All language subtitles for This House by James Graham - Free National Theatre Live Full Performance

- Order! Order! Order!
- –

- – Order! Order! Order!
- –

The Member for Bromsgrove!
The Member for Woolwich West!

Bill! Oi, Bill! What's the bother?

He's bloody going, isn't he?
Off to see the queen.

– Oh, bollocks! Says who?
– Harrison.

Walter? Oh, no.

Some time this afternoon.
All we bloody need! A bastard election.

Oh, shit a fucking brick! No!

The Member for Rochester and Chatham.

– Is it true?
– You should know, he's your leader, love.

Oh, don't be like that. Terry!

– The Member for Paddington South.
– Well?

– Arse!
– It's true, then.

Bloody typical! The Labour lot catch wind
of it first and we're in ruddy power.

– Shows who your friends are. Christ!
– Look, the deputy.

– Jack!
– Oh, good afternoon.

Is it true, he's calling it today?

– Look, I understand your concern.
– Concern?

But rest assured, both of you,
when there's news, if there's news,

it will announced
through the usual channels.

The usual channels? Oh, come on!

Walter Harrison's already
spreading it around like shit on a field!

How can a Labour whip be announcing it
before the Tories?

Hm!

Jack?

Bit of a to-do out there.

– I imagine so, yes.
– Chief...

– Just enjoying the calm before the storm.
– Right.

The Member for Paddington South!

– – Enter.

I don't believe it, chief. Bloody hell!

– I finally get my hands on one of these!
– There's a good chap, this really...

I won't be coming back. The seat will
go red this time, you just watch.

You just bloody watch!
It's anarchy out there.

Blue-arsed flies!

That's why they call it a snap election,
Nicholas.

It isn't a 'bend slowly until it gives'
election.

It isn't
a 'stir gently over a medium heat,

'reduce to simmer and then serve'
election.

It's a snap –
quick and painless, off like a plaster!

–
– Painless? Ha!

Whoever you are,
yes, it's true, clear your desk.

A key component in the element of surprise
is the element of surprise!

– – Come in.

Oh. Damn it!
What a rotten bloody system this is!

The whole thing! Christ!

Oh, God. Cruel as it may seem,

this 'rotten system', is one of the few
things this country has manufactured

and exported that hasn't been sent back.

Envied the world over for its simplicity.

One person, one vote, sending one Member
to represent them in one house.

And the party with more warm bodies
than any other governs.

As one.

And this mother of all parliaments,

yes she's showing her age,
but like all good mums,

she's showing it with dignity
and with grace.

Hang on.

This House serves to remind us

that we are but its temporary trustees,
Nicholas, nothing more.

This is mine.

And when Parliament dissolves
at 5pm today,

I am no longer the Member for Spelthorne,

nor Jack here
the Member for Croydon North East,

nor you the Member for Paddington South.

But Paddington, sadly,
will go on without you.

It is a lesson we all must learn.

Hope to see you again, old friend.

The Member for Bromsgrove!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

No, it's Bob actually,
but the likeness is uncanny.

Saveloy?

– Chief, what's going on?
– Look, I know as much as you do, Terry.

Where the bleeding hell is Walter?

– Wa-hay!
– Wa-hay!

We're on our way back! Come on!

– Where's the others? Where's Cocks?
– Michael? I dunno.

It's all right for you, innit? You're not
defending a tiny majority, are you?

What are you Walter, Wakefield?
Eh?

I'd kill for Wakefield, bloody hell.

Couldn't have given me
an effing mining town, could they?

Mill town, salt of the earth.

They've only gone and merged me with
Redditch. Redditch, for Christ's sake!

– Bugger off! Redditch? It's manufacture.
– Oh, bollocks! Honestly, Walter.

Needles! That's all they make.

That's all they bloody well make
in Redditch, needles, that's it.

–
– What's this, no mushy peas? Travesty!

– Give over, mushy peas.
– Chaps...

– Like having a bath with no bubbles.
– Do me a lemon, you uncouth northern...

I'm being serious!

– It's over. Why? Cos I stayed loyal.
– Do you ever look up at the sky, Terry?

Do you watch the way birds move en masse?

Their ability to survive lies in the fact
that they all instinctively turn together.

On our own, we are nowt.
Now, that is the job of the whips.

The job is to transmit in a way that is
undetectable to the eagles circling above.

The job is to communicate
the instruction 'turn'.

'Turn now! Turn all of us, together now
and we might make it.

– 'We might just bloody well make it.'
– I hate birds!

They shit on you from a great height.

You'll be all right. And if not,
there's other elections, other seats.

Oh, what's the point of it all, eh?

Eh?

What's the bloody...

point?

– Don't worry about him. He'll be OK.
– Yes.

Although, no, he won't be, will he, but...

– That's life.
– That's politics.

– Ah, Walter, the man of the hour.
– Jack.

I see you're off to inspect the troops.

My, oh, my, look at this! That's new.
What is it, leather?

– It's a bit big, though.
– Oh, do you think?

I rather like it. Substantial,
plus the lines are not too thick.

Here, look, see? Small and simple.

Ah, yes, old reliable.
Well, it's not without its charms.

Easily accessible, I suppose,

but where's the sense of authority,
Walter, the weight of information?

Members see a big fat thing like that,

they thing you're compensating
for summat.

Ah, well, yes. You believe what you like.
I must get on.

So, will I be still be dealing with you,
do you think,

after the big heave-ho,
the old switcheroo?

I'll go where I'm put, Walter, of course.

And 'switcheroo'? Come off it, you know
we're staying in. I mean, of course...

– Staying in? Have you seen the polls?
– I have seen the polls, Walter.

– We're in the lead in the polls.
– Only just. There's nowt in it.

In dark times, the electorate sticks
with the devil it knows.

Eh-up, they're only dark
because you can't keep the lights on!

Surely, the most basic test
for a government

is they can keep the blinking lights on,
Jack.

Yes, well, perhaps after all this, you'll
finally get to be the chief whip now...

– Deputy.
– Well!

Maybe you will be your side, and all,
deputy.

Oh, and, Walter.

How did you find out so quickly?
The election?

I don't kiss and tell.
You should know that about me by now.

– Walter.
– Jack.

About done are we, Mr Cocks? They'll be
coming up to turn the light off.

Oh. Yes. No. Of course.

– Ta for letting me, uh...
– That's all right.

My predecessor, he left me a note.

'Mr Cocks goes up the clock,
no questions asked.'

I thought it were a nursery rhyme
at first.

– What's the deal with the light, anyway?
– The Ayrton Light, above the clock?

Well, it shines when Parliament is seated,
put out when it rises.

Lots of funny rules and traditions here.
You'll start to learn.

Londoner all me life, me. I never even
knew you could stand behind this thing.

The most famous face in the world.

Never stopped ticking, you know,
ever since it first, like...

Even during the war, the blitz,
bombs raining down.

Stubbornly, just kept on ticking.

Yeah, well, it's only a couple ticks away
from the old, uh... So come on.

This razor's edge election '74.

If money talks in general elections,

Mr Heath, at present,
is looking very much like Nijinsky...

..now almost certain
that neither Conservative nor Labour

will get enough seats
to have the overall...

..seems to have been responsible
for the Conservatives' defeat...

..16% swing to Labour.
Labour has gained...

..the party believe that
it is in a position to form a government,

if necessary a minority government,

and to carry out workable policies...

Oh, Humphrey, me old cocker!

– Oh, don't start, Bob, all right?
– Start? Moi?

Let's at least try
and conduct this transfer

with a modicum of decorum, shall we?

A modicum of decorum? Blimey what's that?
Odds-on favourite for the 2:15?

That's a 'no' then, I take it.

– You can leave that, if you like.
– Get your own.

Gift from my wife, anniversary.

Look, I'm sorry Humphrey,
genuine commiserations and all that.

Politics is a cruel sport.
Second place gets you naff all.

Yes, well, in... Haha!

In your case Bob, first place
gets you 'naff all' as well.

Four seats more than us?

Labour may be the largest party,
but not a majority in the House.

Yet here we are, swapping offices.

A few small steps across the lobby,
but a giant leap for mankind.

Bob, it's a hung parliament.

– You've got no idea, have you?
– Oi!

What's your combination for the safe?
I need to change it.

– I'll inform the clerk, he can come...
– Oh, come on, Humphrey!

– Just give me the bloody combination.
– No. Simply not.

– Very grown-up, isn't it?
– It's about protocol, Bob, procedure.

Fine. No hard feelings, eh?

Listen, I mean this, because I like you.

Oh, Humphrey, I like you too. Come here!

We're going to get you,
so don't get comfortable.

A minority government? No one gives you
more than a matter of weeks.

You're going to fall, and fast, and hard.

So, start finding things to land on.

Wa-ay! Home, sweet home, chief.

We're fucked. We're fucked, aren't we?

–
– Wa-hay!

– All right, Michael. Here we are, eh?
– I know.

Quick, lock the door before they realise.

–
–

Bloody hell, Joe.
You joining the circus or what?

Laugh all you want, chief, but you have
to treat me with a bit of respect now.

I've just played a key role
in the Opening of Parliament.

And that's not all.
Look at this – me white staff!

I get to keep it forever, this.
The wife will go barmy.

'Where d'you expect me to put that?'

– – Wa...

Hello.

Looking for your office, love?
It is a bit of a maze...

She's not looking for it, she's found it.

This is Ann Taylor, new Member for Bolton.
She'll be joining our team.

Oh, yes, of course.
Here, Ann, take a seat.

Walter, she's a woman, not an invalid.

– Well, just trying to be civil...
– No, that's fine, honestly.

– Thank you, Walter.
– Art! I need art!

- – Somebody get me some art.
- –

– Oh, what's this?
– Your ministerial box.

– It's black, not red.
– The chief whip's is black.

– 'The forces of darkness and evil.'
– Do pack it in.

Key. Opens from the bottom, not the top.
It's heavy, you'll get used to the weight.

I know, I know.
I have done this before, you know.

- – Strewth!
- –

Lead surround.
Protects the contents from bomb blasts.

What about my contents?

They are not Parliament's concern.

And can somebody get me some art?
Nothing with a yacht on it!

Hey! Walter, look. Adjustable chairs!

Never!

All this time, them bastards!

Bloody hell! I knew their poll ratings
had been up and down all year.

I didn't know their arses had as well.

Eh, you should see how comfy it is
in the back seat of my car.

Oh, wait, didn't I mention
I get back my ministerial car?

You smug little tart, chief.

Right, let's stop mucking about, shall we?

Now, I don't know if any of you lot
have read a newspaper this week,

but apparently we, the Labour Party,
are now in power.

– – With one big problem.

It's a mathematical problem,
and one we definitely have to balance.

301, us. Tories 297.

Then we have the odds and sods.

Liberals 14, Scots seven,

Irish 11, Welsh two, others three.

Meaning an opposition total of 334.

In other words, we are all up shit creek!

We've got the biggest boat,
but they've got more paddles.

Or to put it a simpler way combined,
there are more of them than us.

So, how do we survive?

Answer – haven't got a clue.

None us has any experience
of a hung parliament,

so it's a learn-on-the-job type thing.

But we are going to war, gentlemen,
so make no bones,

on the other side of the lobby is a bunch
of vindictive fucking bastards –

sorry, Ann –
already plotting our demise.

The Member for Esher!

– It stinks over here.
– No, it doesn't.

Always has, this side.
Nasty ruddy odour. And it's colder.

Was there anything
I could help you with, Colonel?

My new office, don't like it.

It's cramped and there's this ugly
painted thing in there.

That's the Member for Gloucester,
Colonel, she's sharing your room.

Mr Atkins? How do you do, I'm....

Fred Silvester, new Member for Manchester
Withington, formerly of Walthamstow West.

Welcome back. Nice to know we picked up
a few seats while haemorrhaging others.

– You've been assigned to the whips.
– Manchester, you say?

Godawful place, can't be doing with it.

Either needs a good clean or a good fire,
I don't mind which.

Colonel, Mr Silvester here will relocate
you to a new office this afternoon.

– Yes, of course.
– Posture, man!

People aren't afraid
of a man who slouches.

Right, I'll be in the smoking room,

Let me know when that banshee
is exorcised from my office.

– You were in advertising?
– Yes. Well, sort of.

– You either were or you weren't.
– I was.

– Called to the bar, I see.
– Gray's Inn.

He's right about your posture, you know.

I'll work on it.

– Do you prefer Fred or Frederick?
– Fred's fine.

– What a bore, this whole thing...
– So I'm starting to realise.

– Hello.
– Jack Weatherill, government...

– Opposition.
– ...opposition deputy whip.

– Fred Silvester of...
– Manchester Withington.

– Formerly Walthamstow West, yes, hello.
– How do you do?

– Gosh, what a fine suit, I must say.
– Thank you.

Yes, Jack has many a fine suit.

My family are tailors by trade,
little place up on Savile Row.

You should pop along.
I mean, not to imply that you need to.

– No, of course.
– No, no, but um... you know.

Fred was about to begin the annual game
of musical chairs, weren't you, Fred?

Yes.

Oh, right. Yes.

Have fun.

Well, he seems a good sort,
bit wet behind the ears.

– So were we all once. They dry out.
– Yup.

Oh. The chairs! For God's...

I swear, Jack. This is but a temporary
situation. It'll be over by Christmas.

'Over by Christmas.' Yes.
Where have I heard that before?

Obviously, the Tories are gonna vote
against us every time,

all the time, so what then?

Michael?

Uh... Well...

Our only hope of getting bills
through the House

is the odds and sods,
you know, drawing them over to our side.

Now, Walter here, he's built up
the contacts, made the relationships...

We all have to have those relationships
now. We can't just rely on Walter.

And Michael's right – a rainbow coalition.

And as you know, at the end
of the rainbow is a pot of gold.

Oh, lovely, chief! Beautiful.

That said, the world and his wife gives us
about as much chance of lasting the spring

as an Austin Allegro climbing a hill.

I've sold it, so fuck off!

In fact, we might be the shortest
government that 'ere bloody lived.

But we can lose votes in the House
and still survive, can't we?

The only way we can get booted out
is by losing a vote of no confidence.

Bingo! We lose a confidence vote,
our PM is forced to go to the queen.

Historically rare, obviously, because
governments normally have a majority.

Well, we don't.

Naturally, there is a way for Parliament
itself to boot out a government

and force an election,
and that's a no confidence.

If more than half the House join us
against them, we force them out.

But to get to that point
is politically tricky.

They have to be seen
to be incapable of passing bills.

So, it's all down to
the odds and sods then, right?

It's a tug-of-war.

Look, I know traditionally we're more
averse to doing deals than Labour,

but I see no reason why Walter bloody
Harrison should have sole monopoly

on cross-party relationships in the House.

I... I really think I could try...
shifting the balance.

Very well, Jack, I release you
from your binds. Go forth and multiply.

Or better still, make sure the odds
and sods can't be here in the first place.

Because, well... Scottish school holidays
start a week before ours.

If we timetable a vote for then,

any Scot Nat Members will be stuck
at home, along with Labour Scottish MPs.

My word! A strike above the bowler's head,
if ever I saw one. Bravo, Fred.

All right, chaps,
the usual channels are now open.

It's time to ride out into the field.

And remember,
our one advantage is our, um...

Oh, how do I put this
so that it won't sound...?

I can't... our class.

Labour whips are foul-mouthed,
brutish, trade unionist...

..toffee-nosed, arse-licking,
dick-wanking wankers!

Sorry, Ann.

With silver spoons in their mouths
and rods up their arses,

full of baronets and major generals.

Their weakness is their inflexibility,
so exploit it.

Speaking of which,
the aristo-twats will be on their way now.

I just want Cocks and Harrison.
Newcomers, bugger off.

– Have fun, chaps.
– Walter, feet or arse?

Feet, I thought, arms folded.

I say it's all in the chairs.

Their mistake when we came over here

was allowing us sit together
so we could pass notes.

Look, let's perform the old Trafalgar, hm?
Split the fleet.

Lean forward and all.
Atkins and Weatherill, they're recliners.

They're like fucking
Jane Austen characters.

I know, I'll do the old
'I'm busy, but good busy' at my desk.

Keep 'em waiting.

Walter, tell a joke.

– Come in.
– Leeds United!

Afternoon, gentlemen.

– How do, Humphrey? Jack, new lad.
– Shall we begin?

– OK. Would you like to kick off?
– No, that's OK, you start.

Right, we were looking at this –
Rates Bill to open on the 17th,

Social Security the 20th,

– Health and Safety Bill the 21st.
– A-ha.

Yes, doesn't work for us,
Social Security.

That last week of April
would be preferable.

Harrison, wouldn't you like a chair?
Can't be doing your back any good.

Few days before Easter, surely you're
worried about getting your Members in?

No, actually, and it gives the bill
longer in committee.

Shall we say the 26th, then?

Wait, look.

Oh. Scottish school holidays then,
so Scots MPs will struggle to be here.

Oh, that's a shame. Still, can't revolve
around seven Scottish Nationalists.

Yeah, well, we have Scots in our party,
too, as have the Liberals.

I don't think we have any Scots
in our party, do we Jack?

Any Tory Scots?

Do your private school kids break up
the same week as our state school kids

or is that different and all?

Well done, Walter!

Three minutes in and you've already played
the class card. I think that's a record.

I take it 'the swearing' is due
to flow shortly as well?

Bollocks, bugger, piss.

How lovely!

You know, walking into here

is like walking into a Noël Coward play,
isn't it, Jack?

Michael, do you have to sit so far for...

Doesn't anyone from the north
know how to sit on a chair?

It's very simple, just imagine
it's like a hay bale or coal sack.

It's exactly the same principle,
you'll get used to it.

Oi, you, that's slander, that is.

Right, that's it. Michael?

Take this down.

- – Wa-hay!
- –

Adjustable chairs!
You kept them quiet, didn't ya?

All right, I think we all know
what's going on, so just come clean.

What do you want?

Three more opposition supply days
and Health to be on the 18th not the 21st.

Two supply days, yes to the 18th.

Done! Gentlemen, that was thrilling.

Nice try on the chair formation, too.

Big fan of Trafalgar, aren't you, Jack?

Ta-ta, ladies!
Looking beautiful as ever, Jack.

Oh, Jack, look.
I've got a bit of a tear in my jacket.

Would you mind sewing it up for me?

I'm sorry, Michael.
I don't work with manmade fibres.

Right, time to haul in the odds and sods.

Joe, you take the Scots.

– Walter, the Irish.
– Yup.

Ann, I want you to charm the Liberals.
I've got a gut instinct.

Michael, try the Welsh.

The Welsh? All two of them?

Yes, all two of them,
as important as the rest,

because as of today
we are in the business of making deals.

Hop it, the lot of you.

Ann, could you just wait one tick?

Here is your region card.
I've given you the North West.

These are our MPs, Labour,
now your responsibility.

They're the sheep, you're the shepherd.

Don't ever bloody let on
that these lists exist.

Members can't stand the idea
that they're ticked off like shopping.

If they're not in to vote when asked,
you're responsible.

We'll only try and pair the sick
or ministers off on duty.

Pairing, right, and that's used when
someone can't get to the House to vote.

– One of theirs sits out for one of ours.
– Or vice versa.

It's sort of a gentleman's agreement,
pairing. It goes back, well, forever.

Here is your screwdriver.
Keep it with you at all times.

– Screwdriver?
– Flushing, take the top corridor north.

– Top what?
– Toilets. Flushing.

When a vote's called
and the division bell rings,

you've eight minutes
to get Members through the lobby.

Each whip takes a toilet.

Go in, try and work out if the feet
in the cubicle are Labour or not.

If they are, flush 'em out!

Everything else all tickety-boo?

Well. I suppose I was wondering...
why me?

Why not? Quick up the party ladder,
only 26, already made waves.

– I'm not as daft as I look.
– I suppose I'm just wondering...

It's obviously all quite...
well, macho in here.

Well, thank you.

And I just didn't want to feel like...

Oh, well, look, you know what?
..the token girl.

Well you are, though. What?

I'm the token Cockney geezer.
I get on side the other Cockney geezers.

Walter Harrison, he's a Yorkshire bruiser.
He gets on side the Yorkshire bruisers.

I've got Lancashire good cops,
East Midland bad cops,

what I ain't never had is a one of you.

Politics is representation,
end of the day, eh?

Fine, just don't feel
you have to tone it down.

Sod that! A bird in the office?
We'll be cranking it up.

– Do you like football?
– Bolton Wanderers.

That's a no, then.

The Members for Belfast West,
Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!

Bar tender!

The thing is, Walter, I hope you know
what you're asking us to do here.

If I'd known there were so many bars
in Parliament,

I'd have stood for election
years ago, you know?

I mean asking us, us, me, to blindly
support you, the British Government.

Well, you know,
the 'sort of' Government, bless yers.

I hope you know
what you're actually asking.

I'm happy to consider an arrangement,
Walter, but it's got to be give and take.

– We've got to get something back.
– Like the boundary changes.

– And the pipeline.
– Ah! The pipeline!

I can promise our door
will always be open.

Nothing is off the table to our friends.

Most of us signed up
to abstain on bloody everything.

Abstaining we can handle, just don't walk
through the lobby against us.

Er... So, let me get this straight.

You want us to do nothing,
as soon as possible?

– – All right, done.

I'll tell you what, nationalist though
I may be, I'm still a labour man at heart.

I can't see how you keep your prices
so low. What are your margins?

Would you stop your jabbering?
I'm talking politics here.

Yeah, but there's a time and a place,
you know?

What I'm saying is, for asking so nicely,
I'll vote with you, for now,

– and we'll see how we go. OK?
– Yes! Smashing!

And, eh-up, look, I know it's a bugger,
travelling over here, leaving the family,

so remember, you get flights
and hotels for the missus.

We can bring' em over to stay
three times a year.

Don't you fuckin' dare!

It's what makes our job so hard,

it's about flesh and blood
at the end of the day.

You vote with your body.

You can't phone a vote in from China,
you can't send it through the post.

Unless you put one foot in front
of the other and pass through the lobby,

you don't count.

It's archaic, it's old-fashioned,
it's bollocks – but somehow, it works.

The Member for Western Isles.

It feels funny, us seven wee Scots Nats

getting all this romantic attention,
all of a sudden.

Before the last election, I was
the only one here. I had to whip myself.

And I still couldn't always get
the bugger into the lobby!

It's a manifesto pledge
to vote on Scottish devolution,

and you know full bloody well a Tory
government would never put that forward.

If we make it through the summer,

everything points to us calling
another election and getting a majority.

Once that happens, we can start getting
stuff done, the big stuff, together.

If you promise
to make devolution a priority,

we'll promise not to join a coup
against you, OK?

The Members for Merioneth
and Caernarfon!

No Bob or Walter today?

The big guns aiming
at the big targets, then, are they?

The big..? No, no, no.

I, I wanted... Well, we wanted
to make the Welsh voices heard, see?

Like a couple of mice
singing in the cats' choir!

I've never liked the Thames.
It looks... diseased.

All right, look, go back to your bosses,

tell them this can be
like a rolling thing.

What do I mean?
Like a case-by-case basis, OK?

You happy with that?

All right, there you are.

All right? New for you this, is it?

Well, it's new for everyone.

Remember, authority is an abstract.

Convince people you have it,
then you have it, OK?

The Member for Western Isles.

Now, er...

No doubt, the Labour lot will be trying
to woo you as well, but for our part...

They already have. They got here first.

They...? Right, I see.

Look, Jack, you know I respect you.

Everyone respects you,
it's nothing personal.

We're not walking
down the aisle with them,

but we're not leaving
in the middle of the ceremony either.

Well, not yet anyway. Sorry.

The Member for Roxburgh,
Selkirk and Peebles!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to interrupt your...

I didn't know you were praying.

I'm not praying! I'm thinking.

It's a bit creepy down here, isn't it?

We all need somewhere to go.

You know, this chapel
is over 450 years old.

I find clarity in the dignified silence
of old things.

Centuries worth of human endeavour

helps put one's own troubles
into a kind of... context.

I find.

– So, Miss Taylor...
– Mrs.

Let us be clear.

We won't be advising our Members
to do anything

but uphold the principals
of the Liberal Party.

If they happen to coalesce with yours,
then fine and dandy.

If the Tories call a vote
of no confidence, would you support it?

Well, we don't currently
not have confidence in you.

Spoken like a true politician.

How would you know?
You've barely been one for a day.

Can I give you a bit of advice?

The observations of a third party
in a two-party system?

A Conservative government
always eventually falls

because they believe themselves
entitled to power.

And Labour governments always fall
because they don't.

Just a thought.

The Members for Merioneth
and Caernarfon!

Look, Labour would give us
and the Scots devolution, come on.

Help us bring them down and you'd get
an election, swell your ranks a bit.

Nah, it's too risky. I'm sorry, Jack.

I'm floating on
my back down the Thames,

underneath Lambeth, I suppose,
Lambeth Bridge.

I got Blyth with us tonight!

Ssh. Listen.

I see that that
the Houses of Parliament are on fire

and the Thames turns into blood...

– Who the bloody hell's that?
– It's Walsall North!

A tape someone sent us. Anonymous.

Then I see the bodies,
hundreds of MPs.

They're flowing out of the palace,
face down in the blood...

Enough!

What is it?
Some kind of therapy session, what?

What's his history,
Walsall North, he's...?

Businessman. Investments.
Married, three kids.

Loyal, right, far as we know?

His last question in the House
was about drowning statistics.

We need to contain this. We don't want
to be losing bloody seats cos of nutters.

– Cocks, you call him in.
– Me?

Ann, go round his missus, have a cup
of tea. And his secretary too, uh...

– Sheila!
– Sheila.

Don't shoot me a look, all right?

It's not cos you're a woman,
you're just the nicest.

– – Yes, chief.

– Ann Taylor.
– Right, tonight's big vote, chief.

Social Security. It's tight.
There's only a couple in it.

If we pass this one
we prove we can govern.

Right, pairing.
Joe, it's your time to shine.

John. It's Michael Cocks.
Would you mind popping down?

– Right, thank you.
– Ann, time to see some pairing in action.

We've got one off sick, Batley,
and a minister away.

Remember, if we don't cancel out
our absentees, we're down by two.

Right, Fred, pairing.

We have actually got two of our chaps
struggling to make the vote,

but let that lot show their hand first.

Act like it's no bother to you
whether you find a pair or not.

– Off we go.
– Right.

And in the red corner,
Joe 'Hard Man' Harper!

And in the blue...

I can't. I'm so sorry.

All right, Harper.
Let's get this over with.

Yes, well, right, as you know,
the Foreign Secretary's at the summit,

so courtesy dictates you take one
of your boys out when a minister's away.

That's of course fine.
We'll send one of our boys home.

Right, and another pair.

Member for Batley, ill at home,
I'm afraid.

Any of your boys needing to slip away?

Well, poor Batley.
Fine, we'll pair him, too.

And may the best men win.

No, no. Don't do that.

The Member for Walsall North!

John, come in. Take a seat.

But not too far, though.

Not too...?

The seat. Don't take it too...

Cos we'll need...

It doesn't matter. It's, um...

So, um... how, er...

You know.

..are you?

I'm...
I'm fine, thank you.

How are you?

Business all right, hm?
All your... different businesses?

Why? Has someone...?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm just asking.
We've got you down for the vote tonight.

Such an odd feeling, isn't it? I mean,
what are we now, getting on to ten.

May very well be here
till, what, one? Two?

Making the laws of the land,

while the land we're doing it for is dark,
popped off to bed.

Unaware. Silence.

Bar the sound of the river.

Well, um... Ignorance is bliss, eh?
You know, all of that.

Yes, that's...

Ever wonder why
they built it on the river?

Sort of floating, like an ark,

to save us all when the flood comes.

People often say the sea makes them sad,
but it's not the sea, is it?

It's the beach.

When you're out at sea,
it's actually extraordinarily peaceful,

but on the beach,
looking out at the sea,

one can't help but suddenly feel
so, um... mortal.

Course you know why, don't you?

It's because the sound of the tide
is the sound of breathing.

That's what we're listening to
as we stand on the edge of the world,

having come as far as we can go –

our own mortality.

Ebbing away.

The saddest sound in the world.

Have you ever been to Blackpool beach?

They... they've got the illuminations,
you know, the golden mile.

It doesn't have that...
that, er, you know... feeling.

– Donkey rides as well.
– Really? Donkeys?

For children. Yeah.
Just going back and forth.

Back and forth?

Yeah, the... the donkeys.
Along the beach.

Donkeys.
Back and forth, along the beach.

Well, cheers, John.

The Member for Barking!

I'm just not sure
it's in the interest of my constituents.

Perhaps if I had... Oh, I don't know.
..a nice easy chair in my office,

it might make me feel
a bit more comfortable.

– An easy chair?
– Yeah.

- – Right, easy chair.
- –

The Member for Woolwich West!

So, that's one new carpet and we'll see
about a place on the Science Committee?

- – Deal.
- –

The Member for Coventry North West!

Maurice, you voting?

– Agh! Yes. Agh!
– Good.

The question is that the Social Security
Amendment Bill be now read a second time.

As many as are of that opinion say "Aye".

Aye!

– Of the contrary "No".
– No!

Division. Clear the lobby.

Come on, come on.

Lock the doors!

Ayes to the right, 282.

Noes to the left....

280.

The ayes have it! The ayes have it!
Unlock!

People are pretty understanding
of the nation's problems...

..Mr Wilson has today been
prompted to call a general election

in a bid to secure his mandate
to govern...

..people
are calling it election fatigue...

..Mr Wilson is calling
for a united country...

..Mr Harold Wilson is back
tonight at 10 Downing Street,

but with an overall majority
of only three.

Oh, Jack, I'm glad I caught you.
Listen...

I wanted some new curtains for us office.

You couldn't stitch me up a pair,
could you?

Maybe some doilies
and a little cushion, you know?

You know, they say that humour is often a
way of masking deep insecurities, Walter.

Is that what they say? Oh, right.
Ha! Insecurities? Us lot?

We've just gained a majority
in the House, mate, home and dry.

Home and dry, yes –
with a majority of three.

What of heavy traffic?

What of children's violin recitals?

What of births and deaths
and twisting your ankle?

Three MPs can disappear
from a vote like that.

– You may as well be hung.
– I bet we're in for the full five years.

Don't be...

– You're not serious?
– Tenner says I'm right.

That's the easiest money I've ever made.

The Member for Bromsgrove
and Redditch!

Arse!

– Sorry.
– No, that's quite all right, chief.

– Emotions running high and all that.
– Calm, Hal. Try and go slow.

Oh, it's your maiden speech!
You'll be fine.

All right for you lot.

As whips, you're banned
from speaking in the House.

Oh, yes, you won't hear our names called.

Christ, I hadn't even expected to be here.

I was only standing in Redditch
cos they told me it was a no-hoper.

They bloody well lied.

Needles everywhere, you know that?
Half the world's needles...

Oh, blast it all! I really did think
we'd have them out by now.

I was holding out for Cheam, or Chester.

A 'ch' place –
a nice little English 'ch' place.

Not Redditch, listen to that.
It's not a name, it's a fucking noise.

What is it, anyway? Redditch?

– Sounds like a frog vomiting.
– You're up, Hal.

And they told me it
was Worcestershire. Another lie!

– It is Worcestershire.
– Oh, Humphrey, it's Birmingham.

Listen to the sodding accent!

I imagined meadows
and steeples and farmyards and haystacks.

Do you know what?
Shall I tell you something?

You can't find a haystack in Redditch
cause of all the fucking needles!

I can see why he's getting so worked up,
all that ceremonial stuff.

I wish we could just do away with it
and modernise the place,

make it more professional, less... less...

I sympathise, Fred, I do, but remember,
we are gloriously unique, this country,

in not having a written constitution.

What we do have are traditions,
gentleman's agreements.

They help us do what we do best –
muddle through.

There's only three in it, chief.

Block some of their big stuff
and call a confidence vote.

And how do we block them?
Our lot will be bored and demoralised.

It's going to take all we've got to keep
them coming in for votes all the time.

And the other side seem to have
successfully seduced the odds and sods.

I'm... I'm working on that, too.

You like that, Fred? Bit of alliteration –
successfully seducing the sods!

Actually, I believe that's assonance.

Or perhaps not.

The Member for Chelmsford!

Norman, do come in.
Look, we'll get straight to it.

You're getting a call from Ted.
He wants you round his table.

Oh? Oh, well! Smashing!

The Member for Plymouth Sutton.

– You rang, m'lords?
– Ah, good evening, Alan.

Everything all right?

It's Education.

– Education?
– Oh, well done, old cock.

Oh, thanks, Alan. I... I suppose I was
interested in Foreign, that's all, but...

Right, well, what have you got for me,
then, eh?

A complaint from the Serjeant at Arms.

Well, try to look surprised
and above all pleased, won't you?

Complaint? What about?

Apparently, you now have three cars
in the underground car park.

Oh, come on.

All academic I suppose, anyway.

Come on, Alan, there's a good chap,
three cars, all parked here?

Well, the other Friday, I had a drink
didn't I, for the... that thing,

and got a taxi home.

Which meant I had to drive in
a new car on Monday.

Right. And the third car?

Well, because I ruddy well had a drink
last Friday, didn't I?

So I had to drive in with a different car
this Monday!

If anyone can think of a better way
to get around, then...

Right, so this is just going
to keep happening

until the car park becomes
your sort of showroom, is it?

I suggest you use the car park beneath
Church House. That always has more space.

No, of course, I'll leave the house
five minutes earlier every morning

just to park further away, shall I?

Wonderful!

Norman, what did you mean just then?
All academic anyway. What does that mean?

Well, you know, this is all assuming
that Ted stays as leader, isn't it?

Am I to gather that this is an assumption
not everyone in the party is making?

Oh, come on, don't give me that, Humphrey.

Another election loss,
wind knocked out of the party's sails.

– There's bound to be talk, isn't there?
– Is there?

We have absolutely no interest
in any rumour or hearsay

regarding the leadership, Norman.

Perhaps if everyone were more focused
on Labour instead,

it wouldn't be the shadow cabinet
you'd be stepping into.

Educatio est clavis libertatus.

Let's head this off at the pass, shall we?

Yeah. Oh, God!

It wasn't assonance, was it?

Er, no.

Oh, good.

No, it was sibilance.

The Member for Abingdon!

Really, couldn't we have gone for a walk
around St James's Park, like the old days?

'The seagulls fly south, ' all that.

Who are you and Taunton trying to get
to challenge Ted for the leadership?

Someone from the right.

– We're guessing Leeds North East?
– Why, do you think he would win?

– Yes.
– Huh! That's not very loyal, is it?

Airey, the job of the whips
is not to favour one man over another,

but to try and orchestrate a fair
and bloodless contest

that won't damage the party.

You think I..? Oh, come on, chaps.
I don't want to damage the party.

Damage is being done to the party,
to the country.

It's time to wake up from this...
this slow lurch to the left

we've been sleepwalking into since
the end of the war, no questions asked.

This country is being kept alive
on aspirin

when what it needs
is electric bloody shock therapy.

Look, who are you putting up to stand?
Is it Leeds North East?

Finchley.

– Finchley?
– Oh, I see. You sly dog!

So, you're sending in
some cannon fodder to test the ground,

a lamb to the slaughter.

Lamb? Don't make me laugh.
Have you spent any time with her?

She'll lose,

but the challenge will weaken Ted enough
to get the generals over safely,

finish him off – who?

Lowestoft. Leeds North East.
East Surrey. Perhaps Yeovil.

Right. Well, we'd better start
canvassing opinion, hadn't we?

You're not going to tell Ted, are you?

Well, wouldn't you prefer to know
you were about to kick the bucket?

So, gives us a bit of breathing space.

Means we might be able to start getting
our bigger stuff through,

starting with a referendum on staying in
or getting out of Europe.

And then the big one –
Scottish and Welsh devolution.

Devolution?
Try and pass something that big?

– Our Members are unenthusiastic at best.
– Well get them enthusiastic!

We need to keep the odds and sods happy,
don't we?

You've got your lists, charm them,
make them feel loved.

The Member for Batley and Morley.

- – Evening, all.
- –

It's the doc! We love the doc.

Oh, hello there, young lady...

Ann, this is Doc Broughton,
Member for Batley.

– Doc, this is Ann, Bolton.
– Nice to meet you, Doc.

– How you keeping?
– Oh, well, fair to middling.

Walter, that's what I wanted
to talk about.

I've, er... I've got this
hospital thing tomorrow.

– There's a train...
– Don't you worry about it.

Get yourself gone.
Channel Tunnel Bill's home and bloody dry.

– We'll pair you up, eh, Joe?
– Aye, will do, Walter.

I'm a dab hand now.

Can't have you popping your clogs here,
can we? After all...

Nobody dies
in the Palace of Westminster!

–
– Oh, come on. Sit down.

What does that mean, 'nobody dies'?

Oh, it's just this silly old rule.
Nobody's meant to snuff it here.

Even if they do,
they won't be pronounced dead

until they're halfway across
Westminster Bridge to St. Thomas's.

Nobody's ever died here, technically.
It's just a thing.

Ay, well, thing or not, look...

Another time, another place, obviously,

but if we could get round to having that
little chat about me moving on this term.

Oh, Doc, we just don't want
to see you go, that's all.

Oh, don't play soft!

Look, I held Batley for you
at the last election, as promised.

But now it looks like
we're home and dry, numbers wise,

well, happen it's time
I hung up me boots, as it were.

Seat's as safe as houses, you'd hold it
in a by-election, no trouble.

Doc, if that's what you want,
we'll sort summat out, I promise.

Now, come on. Let's get you that taxi, eh?

– You all right, Ann?
– Yeah, fine.

I think.

I'm not sure what I'm meant to be
judging my performance by,

except getting everyone on my list in
when we need them.

And the job, hm? The life? This place?

I've stood in front of a classroom
and taught a pack of kids.

It's the same principle.

It does take a bit of getting used to
being away from home, Sunday to Thursday,

– week in, week out, you know.
– An empty London box room

while your kids
are growing up without you.

Something like that. I shouldn't wonder
if people had an opinion of that. Me.

Let 'em!
Of course, it's harder for us, this side.

Half of them lot live in London anyway.

It's funny now, but I imagined

it would feel like being a rock star
or something when I started.

Like being away on tour.

But it's... you know...

..not.

No wonder they all prop up the bars
till the early hours.

How do you do it? Wife, family, home?

I don't know, Ann.

It's enough to stay alive, then,
do you reckon? Three?

Oh, well, technically, yes.
Just so long as it don't go down.

The Member for Walsall North!

♪ Time takes a cigarette

♪ Puts it in your mouth

♪ You pull on your finger
then another finger

♪ Then your cigarette

♪ The wall-to-wall is calling

♪ It lingers, then you forget

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ You're a rock 'n' roll suicide

♪ Oh, no, love, you're not alone

♪ You're watching yourself
but you're too unfair

♪ You got your head all tangled up
but if I could only make you care

♪ Oh, no, love you're not alone

♪ No matter what or who you've been

♪ No matter when or where you've seen

♪ All the knives seem
to lacerate your brain

♪ I've had my share
I'll help you with the pain

♪ You're not alone

♪ Just turn on with me
Cos you're not alone

♪ Let's turn on and be Not alone

♪ Just gimme your hands
Cos you're wonderful

♪ Gimme your hands
Cos you're wonderful

♪ Just gimme your hands
Cos you're wonderful ♪

Just his clothes left,
strewn along on the bloody beach.

Miami! Christ!

And there was no...
no body or a note?

Mad bugger! Should have known.
Should have fucking, sorry Ann, known.

Oh, Jesus! His last question in the House.
Remember? Drowning statistics.

– Oh, holy...
– Yeah, he said.

– I mean, what more could you do...?
– Nothing! You couldn't do nothing.

Not our fault people of this country
vote in frigging lunatics, is it?

We just have to make sure
we don't bloody well lose any more of 'em!

Two! Two in it! No more!

No, I understand, Ted.

I can only apologise
that our numbers were a bit off.

Everything pointed towards
you scraping through.

The Member for Abingdon.

Well, that's very gracious of you. Ta-ta.

Well, there you go, Airey.

Looks like your stalking horse
has accidentally arrived home first.

130 to 119.

Congratulations.

Seems everyone thought everyone else
would vote for Ted.

So no harm in registering a little
protest. Funny how things work out, eh?

She's going to surprise you, you know.

I was, I mean, I admit,
this wasn't as I'd...

or any of us had...

But she's going to surprise you!

Yes, well, I suppose we'd better go
and pay her a visit.

A handful of our lot off ill for your
Trade Union amendment, I'm afraid.

– Member for Batley again.
– The Doc? Still?

Emphysema. Leeds hospital.

Other Members off sick, Member for St
Helen's, Glasgow Garscadden and Thurrock.

Some might wonder why on earth we should
be taking so many of our boys out.

They might, but then they wouldn't be
people of honour, would they?

Upholding an age-old tradition.

All right, keep your braces on.

One of ours has got a boat show
he's trying to get to.

Huh!

We pair him off, he'll be loyal for life.

Say, this stuff about Thorpe.

Didn't come from your lot, did it?

Complete nonsense, of course. Must be.

Before I came into politics, Frederick,
I would have agreed with you.

Woolwich West has snuffed it.

Which takes us down to one!

Bloody one in it. Oh, that's it.

Tories can smell blood now, oh, yes.

Odd and sods are restless,

asking what they're getting in return
for their support. It's becoming harder...

It's about to become
a whole lot fucking harder.

Michael, put that a-fucking-way.

Joe, put the fucking phone down now,
please.

Ann, sorry about all the fucking swearing.

– It's all right, chief!
– This don't leave the room.

Only Cabinet Secretary and me
knows this, right.

– Even Walter's in the bleedin' dark!
– Walter?

– The PM, he's going in the spring.
– You what? No?

He never intended to see out a full term.

With Finchley bringing a surprising amount
of unity and energy to the opposition,

he felt like it was the right time.

Or the worst possible time – Jesus!

He's just old, Joe.
We're all just bloody old.

Now with Thorpe on the Liberal side
facing arrest,

on the charge
of attempted murder no less,

that's three new leaders
in the space of months,

which means our alliances
are shaky at best.

A three-way changeover in one Parliament?
That ever happen before?

What does it matter? It's happening now.

And it doesn't get more fragile
than that, does it?

If Paisley and Ayrshire follow through
with their threat of jumping ship,

– we are back to hung again.
– Huh! Has that ever happened before?

Joe, I'll save you some time.

Just assume that, in this Parliament,
all bets are off.

Right, first things first,
all of you, go to your lists.

We need to subtly,
subtly, start working out

who the frontrunners are
for his replacement.

Go on.

Walter? You already knew, didn't you?

No.

Yes.

What?

You are having a laugh.

He's alive!

He's only a-bloody-well-live!

The Member for Walsall North!

You look worse than I do, and I'm dead.

Hello, Michael, nice to see you again.
I am sorry for the undue... everything.

– Where is this?
– The old prison cell.

– Base of the clock tower.
– No prying eyes.

What was it, John?
Just the business, or...?

Oh, I suppose just everything, really.

I knew the police would catch up
with the fraud.

I was having these dreams, too.
Really... Really quite...

– Oh, and I fell in love, of course.
– With Sheila.

Yes! She told me you'd been asking
questions. Whoopsie-daisy, you.

We hear you're looking
at maybe six months.

– Not bad for... how many counts?
– Uh, 21, I think.

Yeah, forgery, falsifying accounts, uh...

Oh, faking my own death of course,
that's a big one.

How is it, by-the-by,
good old Walsall North?

I suppose it's not my problem now, is it?

– You bet your bottom dollar it is, mate.
– Hm?

Oh, don't think in any other situation
you wouldn't be out on your bloody bum,

but we can't, not yet,
majority's too thin.

With a suspended sentence you can stay on
till we're out of the danger zone,

and then piss off.

No. I can't stay in the House!
I'll resign.

Can't resign, John.
No MP can resign, only booted out. Fact.

Oh, yes, I can.

'The Crown Steward
and Bailiff of Chiltern Hundreds.

'An MP who accepts an office of profit
must resign.'

First used by John Pitt in 1751.

– So there. I'm sorry...
– You're bloody well staying, right?

– You are staying here!
– Can't you feel it? It's creaking!

Enough of that, John! We know you're
bullshitting the loony bastard stuff!

It's diseased, the whole thing.
Let it die! You have to let her die.

Arsehole!

Walsall North's going. We should assume
he won't keep his seat either.

Bollocks!

How's the leadership looking.

Close call between Ebbw Vale and Cardiff.

I reckon there's more support for Bristol
South East than folk are letting on.

Benn? Jesus!

This is what I'm talking about,
divisive candidates...

Careful, chief! Neutrality and all that.

I am bloody neutral, I'm just saying.

I can see the road ahead.

I've seen it before. Nobody does
that self thing better than Labour.

– Self what thing?
– You know, with the...

And you hit yourself over the...

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Go on, get off into the lobby.
See you there.

It's Bob.

I just wondered
if you were around at all later.

Somewhere private.

I've got some numbers and, well, I wanted
to pledge my own personal support.

Oh, what's up, Walter?
Trouble at t'mill?

Nothing to worry
your pretty little head over, Jack.

It's a risky business this,
you know, change of leader.

Takes a crack team of whips
to achieve it calmly and smoothly.

Oi! Don't teach your gran
to suck eggs, you.

We'll be stopping in for the full five.

You can be smug all you want, Walter,
all it means is that you're in power

as the economy worsens
and the blame can be on you.

Still, not long now till the profits
from North Sea oil start pumping in,

and we'll take over
just in time to spend it.

– Poppycock!
– All right. Double the bet.

– 20.
– 20? Bloody hell!

– 50.
– Done.

– – Well, they're scared.

Halfway across the tightrope having
to change poles. Could go either way.

Good. So, we just have to sit back
and let them do what they do best –

tear themselves apart.

It's the best way to hunt,
you know, Jack-my-lad.

Let the target come to you.

I don't know why I'm not down here
more often.

– Very relaxing.
– Careful, they're trying to get rid of it.

Sits incongruously inside a modern
political establishment, apparently.

Ha-ha. Really? I would have thought it
entirely in keeping.

I-I don't... Bob, it doesn't make...

I mean, Jesus! Why?

I backed the wrong horse, didn't I?
Ebbw Vale. You play your cards...

What were you doing backing the horse?
You always said we had to be neutral!

I'm right, you should be. I-I just...

Oh, I don't know, Michael.

I just got sick of this,
being at the heart of the bloody kitchen,

cleaning up the mess, doing all the dirty.

I just wanted a seat round that table,
maybe, as an equal.

Not as the bloody whipping boy,
one who makes them laugh

with his cheeky, cockney rhyming,
bloody, docker's son, fucking...

Sorry, Ann.

Oh, she's not here.

You can't leave, hm?
This is the most critical...

– I'm not saying Walter's not up to it...
– Not Walter, you.

Me?

But I'm the... Hey, Bob, I'm not...

I know you're not, that's the point.

It's not true?

You're not going,
you're not bloody going?

– Walter, it's fine...
– Oh, what is this?

When we're hanging by a thread?
'How can Jim do this?' Shit the bed, man!

Oi! PM's right to.

You need your chief whip
to take a bullet for you,

and I stuck my neck out for the other guy.

Jim needs someone he can trust.
He needs...

He needs Michael.

Give us a minute, will ya?

Listen to me, Walter Harrison,
you are a bloody-minded Yorkshire bastard,

but I love you, OK?

And you are the best deputy whip
this building has ever bloody seen.

And that's why – that's why you still
will be the best deputy.

You're the one they're either afraid of
or actually like and come to for help.

The chief, he can't be those things.

The chief has to be above it all,
and above it all, you'd be wasted.

It's you're own fault
for being so bloody indispensable.

Michael, he's smart, considered,
he collects stamps, for fuck's sake!

We need someone with that level
of patience, clear thinking,

to navigate through this.

But he'll need help, Walter,

– someone to keep him cool, calm... What?
– Bob?

Oh, no, let's not make
a song and dance about it.

The Members for South Ayrshire
and Paisley.

– We're sorry to barge in, Bob,
– I told you to wait outside!

– Rumour says you're off.
– Bang-on, old son, so out my way.

– Talk to Michael there.
– Michael?

Yeah, he is the chief now.

Bob, we've come to formally resign
the whip.

We can no longer in good conscience

act as Members of Parliament
for the Labour Party, I'm sorry.

- – You pair of disloyal bastards!
- –

Don't talk to me about loyalty, Bob,
you hear?

What's loyal about giving the voters
a promise on devolution

and not bloody well delivering?

How are we meant to deliver on something
as big as dividing up the kingdom, Jim,

with a majority that big?

You're not delivering on anything!
On anything!

This isn't a government. Governments
have powers, make decisions, rule.

This isn't a Parliament.
It's a fucking purgatory.

– My pocket's...
– Come here.

No, it's fine, Ann.

Thank you.

Oh, shit! The car.

I don't have the car any more.

– It's yours, Michael.
– Bob, take the car!

It's fine. I just need to jog me...

It's, er... the Circle.

No.

District line, eastbound.

You see, I got it. I'm fine.

Don't... Don't let 'em win.

You're halfway there.

Don't let the bastards win.

So, um...

Well, with Paisley and Ayrshire gone,
we're back to hung again.

So, that's it, then.

No, Joe, no. That is NOT it!

No, we draw the odds and sods
back over to us.

Well, why not? We've done it before,
we can do it again.

No, we can. We...

We...

Well, Walter can.

Look, the next bill is
Aircraft and Shipbuilding, hm?

It's a classic ideological one.

We want to invest.
Tories want to cut.

And if they beat us,
well, they sort of call a no confidence.

And if we lose that,
then w-we're out, we're finished.

But if we win... Hm?

If we win,
well, then, we get to fight another day.

And then another.

And then another and another and another –

all the way to five years!

Walter?

All right, chief.

Let's see what we've got.

– ♪ The people's flag is deepest red
Order!

– ♪ It shrouded off our martyred dead
– Order! No, don't encourage it.

♪ And 'ere their limbs grew stiff and cold

–
– ♪ Their heart's blood died in every fold

– ♪ Then raise the scarlet standard high
–

♪ Beneath its folds we'll live and die

♪ Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer
We'll keep the red flag flying here... ♪

Cheats! Bunch of double-crossers!
Can you believe it? They broke a pair!

- Yeah! Come on! Bloody try it!
- Gentlemen, please!

Try to act like Honourable Members
of this House and not football hooligans!

I've already suspended the session for
20 minutes so that everyone can calm down.

I have Commons policemen pulling people
apart in the lobby and fighting,

fighting, in the House of Commons chamber!

– I've never in my life...
– That song, they were singing!

That bloody commie song
after they robbed us of the vote!

Heseltine, just put a sock in it!

I don't care about the bloody vote!

I do care about you removing
the parliamentary mace

from its sacred position
and using it to threaten ministers!

Mr Speaker, they broke a pair,
they must have done.

They paired someone with one of our chaps

then bought him into the lobby
for their vote!

Cheats! Cheaters!

That mace dates back to Charles II and...

– I know. Look, I'm very, very sorry...
– Are you listening?

..symbolises the royal authority
under which the Commons sits.

Interfering with it constitutes
gross misconduct.

The Serjeant at Arms, here,
has the authority

to take you to the cells and imprison you.

Only I am allowed to place and remove
the mace, do you understand? Me!

– I'll apologise!
– No, no, no.

I'm going over there to sort this out.

The House cannot reconvene for business
until the mace is placed back properly,

and you put it back the wrong way round.

Oh, don't... What?

Parliament is not lawfully authorised
to meet unless the mace is in place,

and you put it back
the wrong way round!

Both of you, both of you,
go with the Serjeant at Arms and replace...

– ..the mace.
– Oh, for God's sake!

– Are you all right?
– Ah, ponces!

They couldn't throw a decent punch... Ow!

All right, Joe, talk. Did we slip someone
back in who was meant to be paired off?

No, we agreed on six pairs
and we gave them six pairs.

It was the Agriculture Minister, chief.

After the first vote tied, we found out
Agriculture was delayed in Denmark

and hadn't told us!

Hadn't told us, exactly, which meant
we actually had seven, seven off.

Them lot had only asked for six,
so we brought one of the others back in,

took our numbers up by one,
we can't help that, can we?

– Hey presto, done. We won.
– That's not what we agreed!

Michael, Walter, someone explain
where your extra man come from.

This is the Government Whips' Office.
Did you knock on the door?

– Who took your tally up...
– Did you knock on the door?

– ..to 304?
– Did you knock on the door?

Right, I'll knock. Bloody hell.

– Who is it?
– Oh, for heaven's sake, Walter!

Oi, you bugger. I'm sorry, right?
We can sort this out.

This is really serious, right?

Now, the vote on our amendment
was tied, 303 each.

– We do agree on that?
– Jack...

On, the following division, the vote
on your bill, the numbers were different.

It was us 303 and you, 304.

Which means someone who hadn't been there
for the first division

was there for the second,
now how can that be?

The Agriculture Minister, Jack. He's in
Denmark, right, and he wasn't paired.

Right, so he wasn't paired.
Did you ask for a pair?

Did you ask Fred for a pair?

Look, it was you lot! You asked
for six pairs, and we gave you six!

Fred, the Agriculture Minister was away,
did you pair him?

- – No, he wasn't one of them...
- –

Bloody listen, Jesus!

We agreed pairs,
six of ours for six of yours.

With Agriculture not getting back in time,
we realised we actually had seven out.

So, even if I did chuck
the Member for Stalybridge and Hyde

– back into the lobby to vote...
– Pendry was paired!

..we still had six of our lot sitting out,
as agreed.

If we'd have known earlier, we'd have
had Pendry in from the beginning.

– Cheats! Liars!
– Oh, knock it off, Carol!

The extra vote of your chap
who went in is void.

Mr Speaker, I demand, demand you void
that extra vote and declare it tied.

Hold up, it isn't tied, we won!

That bill will become law
and that's an end to it.

Wait, look, according to all precedents,
yes, in a tied vote, as Speaker,

– I'd have to vote against the motion...
– It isn't tied! We won by one!

But there's nothing in Erskine May
that recognises pairings.

That's a gentlemen's agreement
between yourselves. I can't call a recount.

Oh, you, that's it! You bastards!
You've bloody had it!

I'm suspending the House for the night,
so you can all go home!

You think this is dirty? You wait.
Just you wait.

– No more pairing!
– Don't talk rubbish!

I mean it! Pairing's off,
and the usual channels are closed.

Oh, bloody hell!

Chief, there's uproar amongst
the odds and sods.

The Liberals, Welsh, all of them saying
they won't be voting with us again –

they can't be associated with cheats!

Oh, well, that's... That's... Well...

- Well... Well...
- Thank you very much, you lot

Michael, calm, chief.

With the odds and sods gone, eh?

With our numbers?

If we can't pair...

If we can't pair...

Oh... Fuck it!

Walter, you need to go and see Jack now,
repair the damage.

Oh, 'I need to', is it? 'I bloody need'?

– And who the hell are you, Ann, eh?
– What?

Can't take it from someone with boobs
and no bollocks?

Piss off, giving me that. You got bigger
bollocks than anyone else here, Ann.

I'll tell you something,
if there were more of us in there,

there wouldn't have been scenes
like that tonight.

We'd knock you're bloody heads together!

– Jack, would you hold on a minute?
– Sorry, Walter. There is nothing I can do.

I just want to talk about this.
Christ! It's nothing you wouldn't do.

Or haven't done.

Nothing that I wouldn't do?

No, you cheated, Walter.

I don't care about the technical
this and that, you bloody cheated!

God, look at you.

You're scared.

Walter Harrison!

– I think we've got you, haven't we?
– It's a centuries old system.

You can't just stop pairing.
You don't have the right.

'Centuries old', 'thousand years old',
'can't do this', 'must do that'!

Christ!

Westminster Hall, right?
Oldest part of parliament.

The stuff those rafters have seen, eh?
Look at that, just over there.

It's where they set up the trial
for Charles I.

God's representative on Earth. God.

For thine is the Kingdom,
the power and the glory...

But we said, 'No.'
From now on, we would rule ourselves.

And off went his head.

'Oh, no. We can do it better, ' we said.

God! Do you know? Sometimes I just...

Um...

No, I'm sorry, Walter.
No more cooperation.

The usual channels are closed,
and you heard him, no more pairing.

– Jack...
– Walter.

You want help with your sick
and your dying? Forget it.

You'll have to get them into the lobby
your bloody self from now on.

The best of British to you.

Order! Order!

Order! Order! Order!

Order. We are now in session.

Oh, come on! You must have an idea.

How long are we talking?

Well, it's never happened before, has it?

Far as we know, there aren't even
any drawings or plans

to help us fix the bloody thing.

– What was it?
– The speed regulator.

Torsional fatigue. It's been going
over 100 years, gave up the ghost.

Gonna be summer, earliest, I reckon.

Summer? Oh, please tell me it'll be
up and running for the jubilee!

It's a clock, Mr Cocks.
They break. What's it matter?

What's it ma...?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, you're right.
No, it's not important, eh?

No, it's not a symbol of anything

It doesn't mean anything

It's only carried on ticking through
all the bloody... The great wars, hm?

The biggest crises! Any time our backs
were against the wall! Oh, yeah.

And you're telling me now that,
for no reason, it just stopped?

It'll just take time, Mr Cocks.

Oh, right.
Yeah, the one thing we no longer have!

The Member for Batley and Morley!

I'm sorry it's come to this,
but they aren't pairing still.

I'm afraid it's all Members,
all the time, no exception.

Oh, you're preaching
to the converted here, Walter.

He'd crawl through the lobby dead
if he had to.

I'm the one trying to hold him back.

We've turned the Member for Greenock's
office into a makeshift bedroom for you.

Yours was too tiny.

Oh, God! What a pain in the...!
I hate being such an awkward bugger.

Oi! He didn't mind swapping.
It's no bother.

Well, at least we don't have to worry
about toing and froing for a while, eh?

Gosh, kipping in the House of Commons!

We'll make it nice and cosy, though, eh?

Though no funny business, Dr Broughton.

All right, Burton and Taylor, knock it off.

First bill tonight is about 10:15.

Doc, you won't even have to walk
into the lobby.

As long as you're in the grounds,

I'll come up with one of the aristo-twats
to 'nod you through'.

Eh, this Big Ben business is causing
a bit of a ding-dong, isn't it?

- – A bit of a what?
- –

– Ding-dong, yeah.
–

No, no. Don't make me laugh.

Press are having a right old time with it.
It's a good distraction, if you ask me.

Radio 4 not quite the same –
all pips and no bongs.

Oi! Don't try and fool anyone
you listen to Radio 4, Doc.

Oi! Ooh, where do we order room service?

Up my bloody arse!

Defence Secretary, Member for
Mansfield, he's stuck in bloody Belfast.

There's no flights for at least an hour.

So, I've spoken to the PM
and he's getting the RAF to lay on a jet.

No, Hunter jet's off.

But the RAF can strap on
an extra fuel tank to a helicopter

at the base 14 miles from the minister,
that might get him here, just.

Ann, get on the phone
to the Ulster Constabulary.

I want all traffic lights fixed
in his favour to get him to the base.

No reds, all greens.

It's gonna be close,
and them lot over there won't be happy.

– Tough! Every vote counts.
– Every vote counts.

Mr Weatherill!
All all right your end, is it, all OK?

We'll have every single one of ours in
once again, tonight.

By hook or by crook, I take it.

Oh, I hear you're placing beds in offices
now, wheeling in the sick.

Proved we can though, eh?
Against the odds.

Pride cometh before the fall, Walter.

And 50 nicker cometh my way, presently.

Three years down, mate, two to go.

The Member
for Liverpool Edge Hill.

You'll be fine, don't you worry.

Come on. In.

Here, sit.

It stings a bit.

We're very grateful, obviously.
This won't be forgotten.

The doctor really did think I should stay
another night, you know, Michael.

I mean, removing an appendix,
it's not like taking your shoes off.

The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield.

– Chief Whip, we have a bit of a problem.
– No, there's no problem...

Oi, oi! Helen! What the bloody hell?
Bringing a crying baby in here?

– I'm afraid there's been a complaint.
– Complaint? Who from, what?

The Honourable Member, here,
was seen engaging in...

– She was reportedly...
– For God's sake! Just say it.

Breastfeeding in the Lady Member's Room,

to the consternation
of other female Members

who observed the said event taking place.

Well, I'm going to have to do it
somewhere, aren't I?

Well, it's all right.
Flipping 'eck, just do it in here.

What? Get your... In the Whips' Office?

It is against Palace rules
to expose oneself in...

– Oh, for the love of...
– ..in that manner!

And to permit non-Members
into the chamber during a sitting.

And that baby is not a Member!

Oh, but please,
he's got such good grasp of fiscal policy.

This is it! Look, no other mother has ever
had recourse to bring her child, a baby...

Well, I'm doing it now! Sod it! Sod it.

Barely a week out of hospital. I mean it,
Michael, if you can't slip me out as a pair

then I'm slipping these out as a pair,
here and now.

So, am I staying and doing my job,
or am I going home?

I'm going to have to tell the Commons'
Services Committee something.

– Serjeant.
– What?

Tell them she's getting her tits out
in here and they can all fuck off!

Thank you.

Jesus, would you look at it?

The Whips' Office turned into
a casualty-cum-day-care centre.

You all right there, Arthur?

– Arthur!
– No, it's fine. Nothing to, um...

You might get a blue plaque, Helene.

'Welwyn and Hatfield, at this spot –
first to breastfeed in Westminster.'

I don't want a blue plaque.

I don't want anything.
I'm not a flipping martyr.

I'm not flying any flags. I don't want
to be here, I want to be at home.

Michael, there'll have to be system,
a place where...

You're right. I'm sorry.
We'll sort something.

Bloody hell, Joe, you can turn around!

It's only nature.
You've got kids yourself!

Yeah, but I didn't do that bit, did I?

– – It's that time.

Joe, go do the nodding-through
with the aristo-twats.

Ann, can you help Arthur into the chamber?

Walter, get flushing.

The Member for St. Helens!

There he is, Fred, see. The Member
for St. Helens in the Palace grounds.

You have to nod him through.

Our staff are not best pleased
about this, gents, to put it mildly.

Hold on, I don't mean to be...

Hello? Is he even alive?

It doesn't matter, he's here.

And nobody dies
in the Palace of Westminster! Ha-ha!

No! Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

Or is it the Right Honourable
Member for Mansfield?

Oh, come off it, it can't be!

And he made it!
He only bloody well made it!

The Member for Batley and Morley.

Doc! Doc!

Doc, hold on. Don't you worry.

Doc! Oh, what you doing, man?
Where's the missus?

– Get... Get me to the lobby.
– Don't be daft, man! Fuck it!

– You've been nodded through, haven't you?
– No, I haven't. I've been in here...

– Forget it, we're going to the hospital.
– Get me to the bastard lobby!

The question is that the Dock Work
Regulation Bill be now read a second time.

Bit thin on the ground your side,
wouldn't you say, Michael?

Looks like this one's ours.

The Member for Liverpool Edge Hill.

The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield.

The Member for Batley and Morley.

The Member for Mansfield!

Ayes to the right, 310.

Noes to the left...

..308!

The ayes have it. The ayes have it!

Turns out, Belfast is actually
just north of Watford!

Using the resources of the armed forces,
Michael, for party political reasons?

Oi, it's his elected right
to vote on legislation.

Wa-hey!

Well, then! 'Nuther day, eh?

– You not drinking, chief?
– Oh, no... Ta, Walter.

Right, I'll just go
and tuck the doc in, then.

Oh, Ann. Eyelash.

Make a wish.

Joe, while we've got a sec.

– It's... It's slightly awkward.
– Oh, yeah?

I'm in receipt of some information about
a Member and I don't know what to do.

– Which Member?
– You, Joe.

Medical. Heard you've cancelled
an operation twice now, a big one.

How did...?

It's nowt, Ann, don't worry. Nowt serious.
It's more important that I'm here.

– You're allowed to be sick, you know.
– 100% voting record me, you know.

Every time that bell rings,
I've been in there and I will be in there.

– You've nothing to prove, you know.
– I know that...

Eh! Come on, you pair.
You must have homes to go to.

Look... Just keep it to yourself.

What did you wish for, hm?

Walter, just now.

Promise you won't laugh?

To be where you are one day,
first woman chief.

Well, it won't come true
if you say it out loud!

You've buggered it now!

Sorry, Ann.

Michael, would you mind not apologising
for swearing around me.

I know it's a running joke, but I'm trying
to fit in as one of the lads,

– and it just, you know...
– Oh, eh, eh.

Eh, Ann. Eh, I'm sorry. It's not...

It's just I'm trying...

Well, I'm trying to run
a different kind of ship,

and, well, truth be told,
I don't want you to be like the lads.

I want the lads to be more like you.

We've got to be more...

Look, this is the biggest fight
that any of us will have ever had, hm?

And it's going to get harder.

Our enemies? Oh, well, they're slick
and strong and we're...

Well, look at us, hm?

Joe left school, no qualifications.
Half his life down a mine!

Walter, an electrician by trade, and me?

Me, well...
Well, I'm the dumbest of the lot.

No, no, look. I... I just want us ready.

We will be. We are.

Right, that's done.

I am bollocksed!

Take my car, if you want.
I'll just kip here.

It's only a couple of hours
till I need to be here.

Are you sure? Thanks.

Walt?

How did you find out about the election
before any one else?

How do you find out about,
well, everything?

Oh, lots of ways.
Many fingers, many pies.

Name one, hm? One pie!

The drivers.

Ministers are stupid.

Once they're in the back of a car,
they reckon they're in a air-tight vacuum.

Well, they're not.

One thing drivers like more than an earwig
is a chinwag.

They meet down the Anchor and Hope
of a Sunday. I pop along.

You sly old dog!

– Woof.
–

Is the doc OK?

Is he going to... you know...

..last?

Yeah, he'll, um...

Oh, I don't know.

He shouldn't be here!
A lot of them shouldn't be here!

– It isn't fair!
– I know.

They're doing it because they're good men
and they're loyal,

but we shouldn't be having to ask them.

I mean, I wanna keep going just as much
as anyone, more, but how far do you go?

You to draw the line somewhere, Michael.

Yeah, well, when we get there,
we'll draw the line!

But until then, we...

Well, we plough on.

Do you ever think...
I don't know, but Walsall North.

All his talk about this place.

It being like...?
You don't think there were owt...?

Course not. What you on about?

Oh, nothing.

- – Nothing.
- – Right.

Are you sure you're stopping here?
The missus not mind?

No. No, the missus not mind.

Everything all right in that regard?
Missus? Family?

Are you asking me as a friend
or as a whip, Walter?

What do you think?

I don't know.
One of them grey areas, int'it?

Well, look, yes, yes, Walter.
It's all fine in that regard, ta.

Eh.

Three years!

Three years.

The lady is not happy.

She can't really understand
why they're still alive over there.

A minority in the government again
and with the absence of pairing.

And yet no huge defeats.
Even, can you believe, some victories.

To be fair,
they have exceeded expectations.

– They are getting their chaps in.
– Not even 'in', technically.

Can't we put a stop to nodding through?
We did to pairing.

If they're infirmed
and within the grounds,

they're entitled to the nod –
we have to honour that.

What the lady wants is more aggression,
determination.

And with that,
some new blood to the Whips' Office.

- – Really? Young blood?
- –

Your new junior whip
reporting for duty, sir!

And I've intercepted the Chelmsford chap.
He's awaiting orders.

– Thank you, Colonel. Let him in.
– Sir!

I didn't say young, I said new.

– Oh, God!
– The Member for Chelmsford.

Norman! Mum's the word,

but you'll be getting a call,
shadow cabinet, another move.

Oh, right, smashing. Lovely.

I knew I could rely on her.

Shadow Arts.

– Hm? Come again?
– You had hinted that you wanted a move.

Yeah, up! Not down!

But you love theatre and museums.
You're our biggest patron of the lot.

Yes, but, oh hell! Shadow...?

That doesn't even sound like a position.

Makes me out to be a sodding
bloody wizard – the Shadow Arts!

Come on, Norman,
you know how it works, reshuffles.

Like a box step.
You know what a box step is, don't you?

Well, ha-ha, you will soon.

If one first takes a step forward,
cha-cha-cha,

one then has to take a step to the back.

Now, be a dear,
look surprised when you get the call.

And the rest of us, remember –
aggression, determination.

Aggression! Determination!

The Member for Coventry South West.

Gosh, look at these!
Not from a bring-and-buy, are they?

I wonder who's paid for them.

So, this is just a little feedback,

just some observations and thoughts
from your performances in the House.

– Feedback? Who from?
– Well, us, the whips.

Why? Sorry, I'm not being rude here.
I just don't understand.

– On behalf of the party, some support.
– Oh, the party?

Well, you know,
I just say what I think, that's all.

We certainly admire your ability
to speak your mind,

especially in a boys' club like this.

Oh, it doesn't bother me, dear.
I've got two of me own.

Obviously, we've noticed some of your
abstentions on key votes and then...

Well, then, some votes against us, which
is difficult, being in a minority anyway.

Yes, sorry about that.
They just weren't quite up my street.

You seem to be able to take others with
you, some of the younger, newer Members.

I have to say, your manner
of speechmaking is very, er...

– ..very persuasive.
– Oh, ta very much.

Yes, I developed this little thing
on the picket lines, you know,

going up at the end of me sentences.

It seems to go down well,
it gets people going.

We must fight to beat those who tread

on the working PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY!

You know, that sort of thing.

Yes.

Well, I don't mean to lay down the law,
but we must be on the lookout for rebels.

Oh, yes, of course you must, pet.
I know all about rebels.

I'm not long back from Portugal, you know,
over the summer.

We managed to bring down the junta.

Managed? Come off it, the revolution!

Well, it was either that
or the Lakes, dear.

All right, gentlemen, please!
What's the matter?

They're at it again, Mr Speaker,
bending the rules, to say the bloody least.

Bending? The only thing bent is my leg,
after your man closed the bloody door.

Please! Mr Speaker,
there's been a difference of opinion

regarding the votes on two bills
at committee stage.

Education was in Committee Room 14,
while Finance was in Committee Room 10.

Mr Harrison here had been the preselected
whip present at both committees.

Yes, right. So, I voted in 14.

Then I ran down the corridor to ten
and I voted in there.

Just as the doors were being closed
and locked, as is the ancient custom.

– As is the procedure.
– And he didn't make it.

And I did bloody make it!

A sizeable chunk of Mr Harrison
did make it, Mr Speaker.

A size...? A sizeable chunk?
Which chunk?

Me whole body, both arms
and me left leg.

Me right leg got caught in the door as
he was closing it. Look, I've got a bruise.

He wouldn't leave
so the doors could be closed.

Because I'd made it into the room.
It's purple, like a peach.

– What was the vote without Mr Harrison?
– 22 to 22.

Serjeant, would you say that
the overwhelming majority of Mr Harrison

was inside the committee room?

Well, er, yes,
I suppose I would, Mr Speaker.

Very well, I declare the vote for the
government, 22 to 22 and three quarters.

22 and three quarters?
– I have spoken!

Chalk it up.

I look forward to seeing that one
in the history books.

Oh, really, you two! Passing legislation
by three quarters of a person now!

That really is the living end.

Oh, bugger off, Humphrey.

You deliberately timed the votes
so that Walter would miss one.

We beat you
and that is the end to it, so...

So, sucks, boo to you.

Oh, and a raspberry as well.

We really are in the playground,
aren't we?

Well! That's another first, any road.

Well done, Walter. That was nicely played.

This has become a war of attrition.

All right, new tactic.

After late night debates,

we have no appointments until business
begins at 2:30pm the next day.

But Government ministers have to be
in their departments first thing.

So, it's time to employ the age-old tactic
of quite simply, ha-ha, wearing them out.

So, we've crafted a rota of our chaps

who will come in for what is essentially
night shift work –

asking a lot of boring questions,
making interminable speeches, etcetera.

Now, that lot over there will have
to keep their Members back

in case we call a vote,
which we'll never do.

So it's basic Somme tactics then, yes?

We keep them on their toes
for a charge that never comes

until they're completely caught off guard
when the big push does happen.

It's stamina, what – who can last
the longest before raising the white flag.

Saw it in the eyes of the chaps
I was with in Fontanellato.

Prisoners of war.

Everything in their mind, body, focused
on getting through each day at a time.

Really, Colonel? God, I had no idea.
Prisoner of which war?

Which war?

What do you mean which war? THE war.

Oh, yes, I know. Sorry, I-I just wondered,
you know, Second?

First?

Korean or...?

Suez?

Please do not list them as though
they were flavours of ice cream!

Which war?

It was THE war,
where I spent nine months in a camp,

and every sunrise
was assumed to be one's last.

Where there were moments
I believed I would not live,

and moments, I believe,
I did not want to.

You ask me which war, sir.

It was THE war... sir.

And don't slouch!

Right, brandy I think,
before the bugle sounds.

Why on earth did I say 'which war?'

Christ! My own father died
in the bloody...

I can't believe I still haven't got
the hang of getting onside

with men like that...

– You will.
– You know it's not my fault I'm young!

I can't help it that I currently
find myself being young.

No, you can't, but what a lovely problem
to have. That's for you.

♪ Pushing thru the market square

♪ So many mothers sighing

♪ News had just come over

♪ We had five years left to cry in

♪ News guy wept and told us

♪ Earth was really dying

♪ Cried so much his face was wet

♪ And I knew he was not lying

♪ I heard telephones, opera house,
favourite melodies

♪ I saw boys, toys, electric irons and TVs

♪ My brain hurt like a warehouse
It had no room to spare

♪ I had to cram so many things
to store everything in there

♪ And all the fat-skinny people

♪ And all the tall-short people

♪ And all the nobody people

♪ And all the somebody people

♪ I never thought I'd need so many people

♪ I think I saw you
in an ice-cream parlour

♪ Sipping milkshakes cold and long

♪ Smiling and waving and looking so fine

♪ I don't think you knew
you were in this song

♪ And it was cold and it rained
So I felt like an actor

♪ And I thought of me ma
And I wanted to get back there

♪ Your face, your race,
the way that you talk

♪ I kiss you, you're beautiful
I want you to walk

♪ We've got five years
Stuck on my eyes

♪ Five years What a surprise

♪ Five years
My brain hurts a lot

♪ Five years That's all we got

♪ We got five years...

The Member for Grimsby!

– ♪ Five years...
– The Member for Thurrock!

– ♪ Five years
– The Member for Coventry North West

♪ Five years That's all we got ♪

The archives? Hell's teeth, Walter!
I've got to be on the bench in...

Look, I just wanted
somewhere private, right?

And, well, this is where I come,
sometimes.

Get away, bit of space, quiet.

– Really?
– Hm.

Over a million parliamentary bills,

every single law of the land that was ever
passed, signed by the queen or king,

– rolled up and stuff in 'ere.
– Yes.

Well, there's not been many
of those recently.

And whose fault is that? Look, your own
bloody enquiry cleared us, right?

The lady admitted it in the House.

Come on, Jack, it's bad enough you keeping
everyone up all hours of the night now.

Open up the usual channels,
bring pairing back.

These are old men,
and not like your lot –

men who've worked,
who've been down pits...

Sorry? Been down pits?

What about Lancaster North?
He's a barrister.

Lichfield and Tamworth – lecturer.

Michael Cocks, even, not exactly
your average Labour bovver boy, is he?

No, don't think we don't see
the way the wind blows.

Must be getting you worried. You'll have
to learn to posh yourself up a bit.

Classical music, fine wine.
Don't want you growing out of touch.

Oh, yeah, cos it's pure accident

how I keep this fragile ragbag collection
together

Gosh, yes, I know all that. 'The best
deputy the House has ever seen!'

Able to connect with all Members, from all
walks of life, yes, I know all about that.

Well, eh-up, if it's true for me,
your lot are going the other way.

Chingford for a start –
he's an egg and chips man.

And builders, grocer's daughters.
Blimey, are you ready?

Yes, well.

Come on, Jack. Nobody cheated.

Not me, not Pendry.

Open up the usual channels. Let's get
this place moving, working again.

Eh, I'll up the bet.

– Come on.
– Walter, you don't get it, do you?

We're not playing any more.

Eh, Joe, come on, hm?

– Look alive, eh?
– Owt happening in the chamber?

Abingdon is quizzing Agriculture –

the difference between North Sea
and Mediterranean tuna.

North Sea?
There isn't any tuna in the North Sea.

Eh? You're joking?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

This can't go on, Michael.
We know what they're doing.

Of course we know what they're doing.
It's what we'd be doing if we were them.

Here, get whoever's on bench duty to slip
this the minister. I think it's Joe Ashton.

Brace yourself, chief,
the Scots are on the march.

It's like bloody Glencoe out there.

The Member for West Lothian!

Michael, is it true?
Devolution is going on the books?

– Ay, it's true.
– Oh, Christ's sake.

– Eh, Tam, we know...
– The Member for Western Isles.

Eh, Don, this is the Labour Whips' Office.
If you want...

We want some guarantees
you'll get this bill through the House.

Not if I can help it.
You'll fall if you propose this.

You'll fall if you don't propose it.

We Scots Nats are not gonna prop
you lot up forever.

The way the Tories are behaving at the
moment, they'll talk any bill out of time.

– Good!
– No, they won't.

We're proposing a timetable motion,
a maximum of 20 days' debate.

Ha-ha! 20 days?

For matters which haven't been discussed
let alone attempted

in the living memory of this parliament,
built to serve the whole United Kingdom.

A kingdom that is united.

So what about a kingdom that is fair, Tam?

Tam! Are you really saying
you'd go against the party whip?

Because, well, that doesn't bode well
for future prospects, does it?

What future prospects?

If you devolve powers
to Scotland and Wales,

then we Scot and Welsh MPs in Westminster

will be as useful
as a chocolate teapot, won't we?

I thought handing power to Brussels
was bad enough!

This post-colonial fixation
of just giving ourselves away!

This parliament was once the seat
of the democratic world!

Now, it's the planet's biggest jumble sale,

with you tossing Scotland, Ireland
and Wales overboard now, too,

shed some weight.

It's so bloody typical!
This self-destructive, bloody country!

Well, I'll be voting with you, Michael.
And the best of luck.

I warned you!
I did say 'asking for trouble'.

Yeah, well, it's asking
for trouble if we don't, isn't it?

Is there any news of them
fixing that sodding clock yet?

What on earth's this?

From what I can gather,
Hilda and Stan are off to a posh hotel

for their second honeymoon.

And this Ray chap is taking Deidre
to the Dog and Gun... down Eccles way.

God! Do people actually watch this stuff?

Apparently.

It's really rather good.

Chief, you don't think we've taken this
a bit far, do you? Somme tactics?

Absolutely not!

Well, perhaps.

But I thought we were trying
to beat them at their own game, Jack.

And whatever happened
to our tug-of-war, remember?

– Bringing some strays over to our side?
– It's not as simple as that, chief.

Jack, chief, something's happened
in the chamber.

The Member for Rotherham!

– What happened?
– He collapsed at the dispatch box.

The Member for Rushcliffe.
– Is he all right?

We were just having a good old ding-dong,
nothing out the ordinary, and then...

– Michael, he's doesn't seem to be...
– Come on! Don't be a silly bugger.

– I'm very sorry.
– Listen, he wasn't well, OK?

– It's nothing to do with you.
– What happened?

– His heart, we think. He collapsed.
– I'm sorry.

Rushcliffe will need protecting.
Nobody dies in the Palace, remember?

– Now, hold on a minute...
– What's his name?

He's the Member for...
Oh, Brian. His name is Brian.

All right, Brian?
We've got you now. Stay with us.

Michael, no, I'm sorry.

To just brush this under the carpet
with the whole nobody dies thing,

– they've gone too far...
– Yeah, I know, Ann.

They've been pushing this too far.
There needs to be consequences.

All right! Enough!

I mean, Jesus! What do we do to them
that side, eh? Stroke them with feathers?

I need to...

Shit.

- – I need to phone his wife and...
- –

Oh, not bloody now!

What?

Oh, Jack. I'm sorry, I'm...

Right.

Yeah, well,
thanks for letting us know, Jack.

Pairing, it's, um... It's back on.

Blimey, what's going on here?

Well, from what I can make out,
this Tannhäuser chap's gone off somewhere.

And his missus, Liz, she's not happy.

And when they're not happy in opera,
they're properly not happy.

– I've horrible feeling about it all.
– Why's that?

Well, it's opera, isn't it?
Always goes tits-up in the end.

Hello?

Oh, Lady B, how's the doc?
You all set for the off?

Oh, yes. I just wanted to say thank you
for putting us up while pairing was off.

Hark at me, 'putting us up'.
I feel like we're checking out of a B&B.

You're very welcome, love,
just leave your money on t'side.

Um, there is another thing.

I wondered about finally looking into,
you know, letting Alf bow out.

Finding a replacement for Batley?

Of course, my lovely. We want you
enjoying your retirement, don't we?

– Oh, thank you, Walter. Bye, then.
– Bye, my love.

– Ta-ra, Ann.
– The Member for Newham North East.

It's becoming intolerable, Michael.
It's this Militant left lot.

They've infiltrated my local party
and they're close,

I swear they're that close
to deselecting me, unless I...

Unless I what? Start calling
for revolution? The guillotine?

Reg, look, I understand.

Look... Look, we'll talk, yeah?
Just... Just not now.

It's a ticking bomb this, Michael,
I'm warning you.

Exit poll from Ashfield.

It's unbelievable!
The Tories are gonna take it.

That and Birmingham Stechford.

You what? Ashfield's mining!
What are they voting Tory for?

I can't fucking believe David and Roy
prancing off to Europe!

Yeah, well, thanks very much

Coventry South West
is on her way down, chief.

Oh, yeah, yeah, there's another one!

Hm? I've got Militant.

I've got the moderates.
I've got the Trotskyites.

It's the Mad Hatter's bloody tea party,
Labour right now.

We just get pairing back on
so the sick ones can stay at home,

and the healthy ones start
chucking their toys out of their pram!

Jesus!

It's like turkeys voting
for sodding Christmas here.

The Member for Coventry South West!

Hello, everyone.

Ooh, it's nice in here, isn't it?

– Would you like a drink, Audrey?
– Ta!

Don't bother with the posh plonk.
I can't tell Stork from butter, me.

Audrey, cut to the chase.

Your persistent displays of disloyalty
under normal circumstances,

– would not only not be tolerated...
– Disloyalty? Who to?

It'd be disloyal to go against
my principles, surely?

This is a hung parliament – hung.

Compromises have to be made
on policy, we have to moderate...

– Well...
– ..we have to moderate our programme,

satisfy those across the spectrum.

Can someone please explain to me
what's the point of being in power then,

if we're not going to look after
working-class interests?

That is, after all,
what we've been voted in for.

And yet here's our chancellor proposing
£1.25 billion worth of cuts

that'll affect the poorest the hardest.

And how would you feel if we became
the first government in living memory

to be forced out of the House – that make
you feel all happy and proud, would it?

Well, given that I've always voted every
time for my constituents over the party,

my ratings locally are through the roof.

What about you, dear? How's yours looking?

Oh, flatter yourself if you want,

that they voted for you personally,
but they didn't.

They voted for the party.

Based on class, based on economic group,

based on geography, based on
what their effing mums and dads voted for.

But not you, all right?
This is how it works.

My understanding
of parliamentary democracy

is that people are sent to look after
the needs of their neighbours,

not just do as they're told by you lot.

So, you pay no heed to the benefits
of working together, Audrey,

as a party, with shared ideals?

Not on every specific detail, no,
but able to get stuff done.

Or at the very least, keep them out.

It's not perfect, I know, blimey,
but it's all we've got.

It is only not perfect because
no one has the guts to challenge it.

Well, no one HAD the guts.

– Ta for the sherry.
– Audrey.

What the hell are you playing at?
Get back here!

Walter, let her go, eh? Let her go.

Right, devolution bill.
What are the numbers?

Sorry. Unless you've any miracles
you've been saving up,

– we are not going to make it.
– No, no, no. This is flagship.

If we lose this,
they're sure to call a no confidence.

The question is that the Allocation of
Time motion on the Scotland and Wales Bill

be now read a second time.

Ayes to the right, 283.

Noes to the left, 312.

The noes have it! The noes have it!

♪ You take the high road
and I'll take the low road! ♪

Well, gentlemen,

thanks to the government's own failed stab
at a Highland Fling...

..I think we can safely say their flagship
Devolution Bill is dead in the water.

- – Which means...
- –

Enter.

Thought I'd come over myself,
save you the bother.

Oh, Michael,
it wouldn't have been any bother.

But nevertheless, here you are.

And so, Mr Cocks, it is of course
with deep regret that I inform you...

I think we should all be upstanding
for this, Fred, Colonel?

..that we shall be presenting
our motion of censure

that this House has no confidence
in her Majesty's government.

Vote on Wednesday 23rd, 10pm?

Yes, that's what we thought.
Great minds, eh?

With no Devolution Bill timetabled,

the Scots and Welsh Nats
will have to vote against us,

leaving us around 312 to 320 –
we'd be out.

Look, if we're struggling for numbers,
can't we try to get some pairs?

No, Joe, it's a no confidence vote.
They won't pair.

They are trying to prove we haven't
got the numbers to govern, after all.

Well, we'd better set other wheels
in motion then, hadn't we?

The Member for Roxburgh,
Selkirk and Peebles!

Mrs Taylor. And what, I wonder,
can I do for you?

We wondered if you were available for
a little chat? Not here. Downing Street.

Ooh! Downing Street?

Little old me, a Liberal?

Downing Street.

Well, would you like me to go in
through the front or around the back?

Around the back.

– For now, if you'd be so kind...
– But of course.

Quick! Get yourself to Annie's,
it's a free bar!

Free bar on the eve of a no confidence
vote? Why, they'd make a killing.

No, it's you know, whatshisname, Berwick.

Liberal. Hah! Liberal with his coins,
say that much.

He put a wodge behind the bar,
told us to go guns blazing.

– You what?
– Why?

I don't know, old chap, probably
to say sorry for running over, I expect.

They're in our committee room,
some party meeting thing.

Liberal Party? We didn't we know this!
Why didn't we know this?

No, no, no. Surely not.

Why hasn't Peebles phoned yet?

Must be close, maybe tied.

Oh, sod it! I'm off up.

Walter you can't just storm into a Liberal
Party meeting, you're a Labour whip!

Watch me.

– What are you up to?
– Shit! They're onto us.

– Don't be silly, Walter, let me in!
– Ah, what you gonna do?

Huff and puff and blow this house down?

- – No, just use my key.
- Oi!

– What are you up to?
– Piss off, Atkins! I'm sorry, Ann.

– Get the fuck out of this office, now!
– All right, OK, steady on.

– – Hello?

Yes.

Right.

Right.

No. No... I understand.

Well, what is it?

– – They went for it?

A Liberal-Labour pact, my friend!

Signed sealed and bloody delivered!
Get some in!

You can't do that! That is totally
undemocratic, and might I add...

So, what's that, all 13?

That is, Walter, yes, that is all 13.

Yes, yes, it's a whole baker's dozen
off their tally

and a big fat baker's dozen
onto our side.

Giving us a majority...

..of 18.

Our two parties
walking into the lobby together, hm?

Two by two, by bloody two!

Thanks for popping in, Humphrey.

Now bugger off,
we've got a country to run!

And you're sure
this won't happen again soon?

Oh, I wouldn't have thought so.
These things are built to last, Mr Cocks.

Just need a bit of love and attention
every now again, know what I mean?

All right, let her go!

–
–

♪ I vow to thee, my country

♪ All earthly things above

♪ Entire and whole and perfect

♪ The service of my love

♪ The love that asks no questions

♪ The love that stands the test

♪ That lays upon the altar

♪ The dearest and the best

♪ The love that never falters

♪ The love that pays the price

♪ The love that makes undaunted

♪ The final sacrifice ♪

The Member for Birmingham Perry Barr.

– Radio Times, sir?
– Oh, yes, thank you.

– Hello.
– Oh, Mr Weatherill.

– Any chance of a quick tidy up?
– Course, sir. Take a seat.

– Thank you.
– Bloody 'ell!

A pretty sharp suit you've got there!

Yes, thank you.

It's Jeff, isn't it? Perry Barr?
Jack Weatherill.

– Oh! The enemy!
– Hardly.

In fact, I hear a growing number
of your lot

are getting in rather hot water
with their own party.

This Coventry lady
sounds quite a character.

Well, like me, she just wants what's fair.

– Remember our roots.
– No, no, yes, of course.

Still, it's a funny old budget this year,
for a socialist government.

Cuts in spending.
Higher taxes for the worse off.

Well, what can you do? It's the budget.
Budgets always pass.

Well, even budgets have to go through
committee stage, like anything else.

In theory, amendments can be tabled
by the opposition.

– Never passed though, eh? Never happened.
– No. No, it never happened.

But if, er... How would you describe?

If certain 'disgruntled' government
backbenchers

were to, er, join with the opposition...

..well, then, anything might be possible.

Worth thinking about, anyway.

The Members for Coventry South West
and Birmingham Perry Barr.

Oh. Everything's the same in here,
but the other way around.

Right, let's not beat around
Shepherd's Bush, shall we?

Your proposed amendment.

To link tax allowances
with the rate of inflation,

reducing the government's income
by nearly half a billion pounds.

Or saving working families that amount.
Yes.

Of course, you're right.
In fact, given this will be the first time

that a wrecking amendment
to a government's budget

has been proposed
by the government's party,

I think I can safely say we're pretty
excited to see how it goes down.

The only parties I like, Mr Atkins,

have jelly and ice cream
and clowns prancing about.

Well, you'll be right at home
at the Labour Conference then.

If I may...

Now, let's get one thing straight,
shall we?

We are not a team.

We just need your extra bodies
to get the motion through.

We're not crossing any party lines here,
understand?

You're heroes, that's what you are.

Anything to add? Anyone?

I don't give a beggars fart,

long as we shove it up their piss pipe
and make it sting.

As ever, Colonel, wise...
..strange words. Good health.

Well, this is our greatest strike yet!

Imagine the gasket they'll blow
when they hear about this!

– All down to you, Jack.
– No, no. It was all of us.

Jack, I'm trying to say well done.

– You did well, really well.
– Yes, thank you.

Thank you!

That bloody woman, Michael!

Not content with destroying our budget,

managed to march with the striking
Asian workers at Grunwick yesterday,

got herself arrested
for allegedly punching someone.

– Oh! I'll have her! I swear to...
– I'd like to send her to bloody Coventry.

God's gift to the Tories, this lot.
It's unbelievable.

Audrey? It's Michael Cocks.

Heard about your little day out
yesterday.

Yeah, but... Yeah, but...

Yeah... Yeah...

Audrey, will you shut up a minute?

You're a Labour Member
who got arrested for physical assault!

So...

Yeah, yeah, well, regardless,
you have to do one of the following, hm?

You can either pay a £20... Audrey!

..a £20 fine,

or you can come down here
and write a formal apology.

Now, which is it to be? Hm?

Good.

She's coming down.

Papers are still full
of their budget sabotage, chief.

Oh!

The smug look on the aristo-twats' faces!
They're poncing about like Cheshire cats.

At least we're hanging in, even getting
stuff through now, so sod 'em, right?

The Member
for Coventry South West!

Right. Sit down, hm?
Let's get this apology drafted, shall we?

Hm.

That was pretty fucking good, actually.

Ah, Michael. Looking for somewhere
to hunker down as well?

I'm off to Committee Room 8,
try and bag the sofa there.

Oh, Humphrey, what a pretty blanket.
Did Jack knit it for you?

This happens to be
the Atkins' family tartan.

A blatant attempt
to curry favour with the Scots.

Yes, well, given you're having
yet another suicidal stab at devolution,

we must try what we can.

– So terribly exhausting, isn't it?
– Yeah, and whose fault is that?

Oh, so stop limping on then,
why don't you?

All this compromising, this party,
that party, this faction...

Oh, I happen to be quite at peace with it,
Humphrey.

In fact, I rather think we would do
better as a House, you know, as a system,

if we did all cooperate more.

– Maybe it's the way forward.
– The way forward?

It's been the way since the war,
all of us palling along.

Well, do you know what?
I'll be honest with you.

Yes, at first, I was a little nervous
having her at the helm.

But I've come to realise
she's precisely what parliament needs –

an end to this national consensus,
trying to please everyone.

Time instead to strike out in one
distinctive direction, get things done.

- Oh, rip the country apart, you mean?
- Yeah, yeah. It sounds cracking

Do you know how many divisions
you've lost, you and your team,

in this glorious age of compromising
and cooperation?

Macmillan's government,
they didn't lose any, neither did Eden's.

Heath's, I regret to say, lost six.

– You lot? Thus far?
– Do enlighten me, Humphrey.

57.

A record, I might add.

Over 50 failed attempts to govern!

It doesn't work, Michael.
One party governs, and one party opposes.

That's our system.
That's this building.

Two sides of the House,
two sides of the argument,

facing off against each other.

The gap between the Government
and Opposition Benches

the precise length of two swords drawn,
their tips touching.

We're not built for cooperation, Michael.

You get a chance, we try and stop you.

We get a chance, you try and stop us.
That's our way.

God, such an innate and instinctive
Tory inability to cooperate and share, eh?

Conservative Britain.

'As long as I'm all right,
every bugger else can go hang!'

Right, yes, as opposed to Labour Britain.

'Yes, it's shit, but at least
it's equally shit for everyone.'

It's the arrogance of your lot,
I can't stand.

The fiddling and the meddling
and the managing.

Well, some of us think
there's still a hell of a lot to get done,

so forgive me
if we don't shut up shop just yet.

Get done? That's my point.
You're not doing anything.

We're keeping you out,
and that's something.

The Member for Newham North East.

Ready when you are, chief.

Excellent. Do excuse me, would you?

– Reg?
– I warned you, Michael.

– Reg, what are you doing?
– I warned you!

My local party, those anarchists.
That's it, I'm out, I'm done.

Reg, wait a minute, for Christ's sake!
Look, let's at least talk.

Look, lose the whip, no, no, become
an independent, make your point, fine.

But don't you dare go join
the enemy ranks!

You've lost control, Michael.
The party, it's collapsing in on itself.

You are a government minister,
crossing the floor to become a Tory?

Reg.

Why?

Everyone needs somewhere to go,
Michael.

I got him! I got the bastard!

Stockport North, my rebel, stick him down
on the list for the Broadcasting Bill.

Well done, Joe. Every vote counts.

Turns out he's a train spotter.

I got him on
the Railways Committee, didn't I?

That and a new carpet for his corridor!

I got him!

No. Not here.

Love?

Yeah.

Stick the kettle on. I'm coming home.

Nobody dies in the Palace.

The Member for Pontefract
and Castleford.

Warm beer –
he'd have enjoyed this.

–
– 17!

17 of our lot dead since we got in.

Another wonderful record

– Who could have predicted, eh?
– Well, he did.

– Walsall North. He saw it.
– Oh, this again. Michael...

– Well, he saw something!
– Well!

I didn't think our little alliance
with the Liberals would die so quickly.

It's been a year.
It couldn't last forever.

Oh, well. Back to a hung again.

Feels like a divorce
and they get the kids.

And I should know, eh?

Oh, don't make out like you didn't know.

Still, I'm sorry. It must be hard going.

Make a little note in my file, did you,
when you found out?

Oh, don't look so bloody sheepish.
I made plenty in yours over the years.

What, 'too bloody handsome
for his own good'?

– Aye. 'Has delusions of grandeur.'
–

'And is a right...'

Do you fancy a pint over the road?

Oh, Folkestone South, yes!

..one of dozens of councils
hit by the strike,

its 2,500 manual workers
walked out yesterday...

..snow and freezing temperatures
have hit parts of Britain

in the coldest winter for years...

..like others in central London,
it's been closed now for two weeks

because of the dustmen's
indefinite strike...

Here we are, then.

Following yet another failure
on devolution,

we shall present our motion of censure –
no confidence in your government,

blah blah blah, you get the point.
Wednesday for the vote?

The 28th? Fine.

Fine.

All right, chaps, we've got them
on the ropes! One final push!

– Walter? It's Joyce.
– Lady B? Is it the doc? Is he OK?

Look, we know this one's going
to be tight, one or two in it,

and I'm... I'm worried you're going to ask
him because if you ask him, he'll come.

And if he comes,
I'm worried he won't make it, Walter.

I know how important it is, I do.
It's been his life. Our bloody life.

- – But, please. Maybe this time....
- Joyce!

Maybe don't ask him this time.

Please, Walter. I've got to go.

Right! Battle stations.

Can we do this, eh? Can we win it?

No, not with just our lot. We'll need
the odds and sods, as many as we can get.

Let's show the bastards –
five full years, right?

Yes! Come on! Nearly there!

One for all and all for one!

Sorry, that was shit.

OK, let's hit that rainbow.
I'll start with the leprechauns.

The Members for Belfast West,
Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!

We've already said we'll abstain.

No, we need you to bloody well turn up
and walk into the 'no' lobby with us.

No? I thought yous were aye?

Blinking Nora! Please don't get
the lobbies mixed up!

This is an opposition motion,
so we want you voting no,

saying that you have confidence in us,
right?

Look, we'd like to keep you fellas in,

but we're gonna have to get something
to take back to our constituents

and say, 'Look!
This is what we got! Ain't it grand?'

– Like the pipeline!
– Oh, the pipeline would be smashing.

– It's been on the cards for years.
– I'll see what I can do, right?

And I know my man Belfast West
will be walking through the right lobby,

never put a foot wrong
all these years, eh, Gerry?

Well, it's tricky, isn't it?

Voting on little things and tiny
whathaveyous is different, isn't it?

But voting to actually keep
the British government in power?

That would be a little harder
to sell back home.

Oi! Don't pull my pisser, you!

I know you won't let us down
at the last hurdle.

Bar keep!

The Member for Roxburgh,
Selkirk and Peebles.

You'll have perhaps two Liberals.
Maybe three.

The rest of us need to be seen to stand up
to you, to keep our seats. I'm sorry.

The Member for Western Isles!

Come on, Donald,
that's twice Labour have failed Scotland.

It's time to join with us.

Look, we'll walk in with you, if only
to save our own seats, nothing more.

OK, the drill!

Every single one of our Members
is coming here to register

and is not permitted to leave the building
after six o'clock under any circumstances.

I'm working on the Welsh.
I think a few Irish may bend as well.

The only unknown still
is their man Batley.

I want someone from a local association
at Leeds train station immediately.

If he sees Batley getting on a train
down here I want to be the first to know.

I've got the Scots.
They're walking in with us.

Bravo that man!

–
– The Member for Batley and Morley.

– Walter? It's the doc?
– Doc! How are you?

Ssh. The wife she doesn't know.

Look, how are we doing,
numbers wise?

Do you need me down? I've got me bags
packed, but, Walter, there's...

..there's all newspapers outside,
they're all watching.

Doc, you...
You don't sound too good, mate.

Never mind that, right?
You say the word, I'm there.

The Members for Belfast North and Armagh.

The Guy Fawkes cellars?
Ha. Isn't that ironic?

Centuries ago, they plotted here
to bring the government down.

Now here we are,
plotting to prop you up.

Ann will go through the agreement
on prices with you.

You just have to sign and date
and we're good to go, all right?

The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield!

Helene, all right for tonight?

Front of the queue, don't worry.

The Member for Chelmsford!

– Norman.
– Chief.

Just off to Sheekey's, bite to eat.

No, not tonight! No one leaves
the Palace grounds, eat here.

Eat here?

Norman!

The Member for Fermanagh!

Oi! In there! No more wandering off!
I'll be back soon.

The Member for Belfast West!

Would you look at that? I didn't even know
you could stand behind it.

Gerry, I'm not gonna try
and bloody hoodwink you or swindle you.

I'll just ask you.

Will you walk into the lobby
with us tonight?

The Members for Belfast North and Armagh.

Oh, look, it's green!
We've signed it with green ink!

We can't have that –
an historic whatjermacallit.

No, people'll laugh at us.
We have to write it out again.

Oh, for God's sake, quickly!

The Member for Belfast West.

A lot's changed, Michael. I can't ever
forget this is an imperial parliament.

That just won't do any more.
I'm sorry, Michael. I truly am.

The Member for Fermanagh.

Oi! In there! Drink this and shut that!
Get in!

So, if we're right,
and... who bloody knows, eh,

we're about tied, 311 to 311.

– But that's without the doc.
– Let's give him a call, then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

We just need to dig bloody deeper,
win a few more of the odds...

No, it's too much, Walter.
No more offers, No more deals.

No more? It's what we do!

Oi! I'm breaking my back out there!

The most important thing
is stopping them from getting in,

because they will, Michael.

We go to the polls now and she will.

And I don't want to live
in her country, right?

Don't be the man who could have
stopped that but didn't.

I don't understand. We're one man down,
and the doc wants to come.

Ann, it'll kill him.

He'll die happy.

Look, he's an old whip himself,
he knows the game.

What time is it?

I'll drive up, myself. Sod it.
It'll be fine, we'll look after him,

– I can get there and back in time...
– No, Ann, Michael, I am not having it.

We said there had to be a line somewhere
and this is it! This is the line.

After four and a half years,
to get this far and it all be for nothing?

This one last thing
and we've made it, Michael.

No.

No. Not like this.

Well, I'd better go see if I can twist
a few more Liberal arms, hadn't I?

Don't try too hard,
they're flimsy and break easily.

Hold on!

Hold on a bloody minute.

- – I need a pair.
- – You're not serious?

Batley and Morley, he can't come,

and it's an honourable tradition
that you pair someone off.

Well, I don't have anyone
to pair him with.

Everyone, of course, is here. Of course!

Then just pick someone
and take them out. I'm demanding it.

- Oh? You're demanding?
- Well, I better had, then

I can't do it, Walter, for heaven's sake.

Imagine what the lady would do
to the person who didn't walk in tonight.

Career would be over, that'd be it.

– How do you suggest I pick that person?
– I don't care how!

I have got the doc at death's door and I
am not, NOT going to ask him to come down.

– What, you want me to ask him to come?
– No, that's not fair.

Well, what the bloody hell is, eh?
I'm asking you, as honourable man,

to honour the tradition
and take someone out!

– All right, you'll get your pair.
– Who?

Um... No, what does it matter?

No, come on, I want this in writing. Who?

Me. I'll do it.

I'll, er... I'll step out.

You? Don't try and pull that with me...

I'm not trying to pull anything, Walter,
you've a perfect right to ask for a pair.

And I've given you one.

There.

Oh, bloody hell!

It's all I ever wanted, you know.

Other folk what came in with me

all talking about cabinet posts
and 'the top job'.

This is all I ever wanted,
to be in the engine room.

And I bloody loved it.

You know, I think it'd all work fine,
this thing, British democracy,

if it weren't so damn reliant
on... people.

People who get ill, get sick.

People who change their mind,
and who won't!

People who fall in and out of love,
just...

Just people.

This conversation,
it never happened, right?

– I'm sorry?
– Forget it.

No pairing. I didn't ask.

I'm offering myself here.
You're going to turn that down?

Yes, I am.

And if you ever bloody tell anyone,
I will hunt you down like a dog.

Do you understand?

We keep this between ourselves
till one of us pops us clogs.

I've a reputation, you know.

All right.

– Oh, I plan to long outlive you, anyway.
– Bollocks!

50 quid?

The question is that this House has no
confidence in Her Majesty's Government.

Ayes to the right...

..311.

Noes to the left...

..310.

The ayes have it! The ayes have it!

Motion carried that this House has
no confidence in Her Majesty's Government.

– I can't think what to...
– It's all right, chief.

I just can't believe that...
that that's it.

– Over.
– Well, it might not be, eh?

We might end up back here,
live to fight another day.

Don't try and bloody well...
and bloody 'manage' me, Walter!

I'm not one of your sheep.

We're not coming back.

That's it. We lost.

I lost.

I'm, um...

I'm sorry.

Oi, don't you dare!

Ann, you and all, chin up.

Right, you pair! Here, now.

That's a three line whip, that is,
no arguing.

Four and a half years!

All they gave us was four bloody weeks!

Eh?

Right, what time is it?

I've got to go for a little drive.

You shouldn't have driven all this way.
You look like death warmed up.

I know, it's just I want it
coming from me.

Alfred.

– Alf! You've got visitor.
–

Oh.

Did we win?

No, mate. I'm sorry.

Get to retire now, though, Alf.
So that's good news, eh?

By how many?

Well, it doesn't matter by how many,
does it?

By how many?

By one, Doc. We lost by one.

–
– Oi! Nowt could've been done.

No bugger's fault, right?

- – Nowt to be done.
- –

The prime minister
and his private secretary, Ken Stowe,

going in their official car
to Buckingham Palace

to tender his resignation to the queen...

..Mr Callaghan refuses to turn
to thoughts of retirement today.

We look back on the events
which led him down this road to defeat...

..Margaret Thatcher is now
the prime minister of Great Britain

with an overall majority.

A majority of 43? Well done, Jack.

That should see you well.
Get stuff done, eh?

Yes. Well, it's shame, in a way.
I'll miss the excitement.

Well, you know what you're doing,
you'll be fine.

I learnt from the best.

Anyway...

I was very sorry to hear about
the uh... about the doc.

Was it his lungs that went in the end?

No, actually, it was, um...

It was his heart.

So...

Here.

50 quid.

– Don't be silly, I can't take that.
– Oh, don't be so soft!

I'd be taking it from you
if it were other way round!

All right.

– Do you want a drink?
– Oh, bloody hell, yes!

– Is Michael not around?
– No.

No, we all need somewhere to go.

Where there is discord,
may we bring harmony.

Where there is error, may we bring truth.

Where there is doubt, may we bring faith.

And where there is despair,
may we bring hope.