All language subtitles for Happy Texas (1999) 1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG_English

[ Men Chattering ]

Hey, why did the armadillo
cross the road ?
Why ?

- It didn't. See ?
- [ Groans ]

Can't someone else
be on bag for a while ?

Excuse me.
You want to be the bag guy ?

- Did I say you could
speak to me ?
- Oh, sorry.

When you move up
to committin' real crimes,
then you can speak to the men.

Put it in the bag.
Hey, are you going to just
stand there like some coward...

and let him talk to you
like that ?

Hey, goat boy,
the same goes for you !

Now, you two damn amateurs
stay in your own yard...

or else
I'll chain you there.
[ Shovel Hits Ground ]

"Goat boy" !

[ Grunts ]

Oh, you gonna
get you some now, boy.

Well, then,
the light is green.

[ Shouting, Grunting ]

[ Screaming ]
[ Men Shouting ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Man ]
* I have stood upon the mountain
I have seen the other side *

Soon as we get you boys
back to lockup, it's gonna
mean a week in the hole...

for each of you.

Goat boy,
you fight like a girl.

* I have seen
my love forsaken *

* Felt the pleasure
and the pain *
The light is green.

- No, no, no !
- [ Screaming ]

- [ Screaming Continues ]
- Knock it off, goddamn it !

[ Crashing ]

[ Glass Breaking ]

[ Woman ]
* I have cried the tears
of sadness *

* I have cried the tears
of joy *
[ Men Groaning ]

* I have found a life
worth livin' *

* From the peace
within the noise *

* I have turned my back
on hatred, lying
prejudice and greed *

* Found the future
in the present *

* Found hope
within a seed **

[ Chuckling ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey !
Where ya goin' ?

Hey, if we're escapin' here,
give us the keys !

Whoa ! Whoa, whoa, whoa !
We don't need keys !
I don't even know him.

This ain't adios.
It's just good-bye.

[ Grunts ]
We gotta get out
of here.

Hey, I don't even know
who you are.

Harry Sawyer.

Wayne Wayne Wayne, Jr.

Hi.
Hi.

[ Grunts ]

[ Man ] Now we have three--
count my fingers--
three runners.

First, a man
who likes to steal cars.

- Wayne Wayne Wayne, Jr.
- [ Men Chattering ]

Next, Harry Sawyer.

Fraud, credit card scams.
[ Police Radio Chatter ]

Finally, the reason why
we're all here today,
boys and girls.

Bob Maslow.

Oh, my Lord !
Bob Maslow is a bad man.

Let's get the guy
before he kills somebody else.

[ Man ]
Get anything,
but it has to be nonfat.

[ Man #2 ]
This is nonfat.
Don't worry about it.

What about this ?
You know, we don't owe
these people a damn thing.

I know, I know.
I'm not happy either,
David.

Peas or corn ?
Peas.

If I have to listen to one more
of those little monsters
butcher "Tomorrow,"

I may end up doing somethin'
very violent.

That is exactly
what I am talking about.
Now, I say we dump Happy.

Well, we can't dump Happy.
That reminds me.
We need some toilet paper.

No, not that. The other one.
It's softer.
Okay, stop snapping at me.

I'm on your side.
I'm not the enemy.
Listen to me for a second.

Let's just junk that crappy
apartment on wheels...
I want this.

and quit this
whole stupid business.

I want a real life again.
You know, a little fun.

You remember that word "fun" ?
Yes, I do remember fun.

I want our old life back.
You need to get a new attitude,
is what you need.

I think that she may have
overcharged us on something.
She did not.

If you would have
brought the coupons,
No, some
of this stuff is not right.

maybe we could have
saved some money.

Oh, my God !

David, somebody
stole our crappy camper.
It's gone.

We gotta call the police.
Listen to me.

Steven,
if we call the police,
we'll just get it back.

What ?
But if we wait
a couple of weeks,

call the insurance company,

we can cash in on
the modern American dream.

Yes !
Yes.

Can we go to Maui ?
Yes !

Trust me.
It's perfection.

There's dual tanks
on this baby.

Even on back roads
it's more than enough.

Let's get out of Texas.
Go, daddy, go !

[ Man Over Radio ]
A prison break today...

at the Jim Hogg County
Correctional Facility...

has brought out
law enforcement agencies
in four states.

The three fugitives,
including convicted murderer
Robert Alan Maslow,

escaped from their prison van
while being transported
to the facility.

[ Woman Over Radio ]
Authorities
are advising motorists...

not to pick up hitchhikers
and to use caution
at all rest stops.

[ Man #2 Over Radio ]
State prisons are leakin'
like a macrame diaphragm.

[ Woman #2 Over Radio ] Texas'
finest are in full manhunt mode.
"Sheet." "Manhunt mode."

Sounds like a full weekend
for you and your pals.
Oh, you !

Hey, you folks keep an eye out
for three orange jumpsuits,

at least until the marshal
gets those "fellers"
back in the pokey.

Hey, comin' up next:
Another Hollywood actor's
in rehab,

and the state's largest tomato
gets auctioned off for charity.

[ Wayne ]
Well, I guess we'd better
turn around.

So what you're saying
is north is there, right ?

Well, a little bit--
Yep.
Yep.

Unless I turn the map
this way.

[ Grunts ]
That is so much better !
Phew !

[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Harry ]
Come on.

Ow ! Yeah,
I almost got it.
Come on.

I almost got it.
[ Harry ]
It's the cops.

It's the cops.
Come on !
Pop ?

Let's get out of here.
Pop who ?

- Shit.
- [ Coughs ]

- Hi.
- It must be my lucky day.

- A lot of folks
lookin' for you.
- [ Chuckling ]

Oh, my.

[ Officer ] Yeah, we're on
our way in, but you'd better get
your tow truck out there. Over.

[ People Chattering ]

Oh, no. I've heard
about this before.
Vigilante justice.

We're screwed.
They're gonna hang us.

No, they aren't.
Yeah, they are.

Shut up.
Oh, my God.

Okay, sell me.

Uh, w-why,
you want me to speak ?

All we want to know
is if you were offered one
instead of two,

would you take it ?

[ Whispering ]
We could do one easy.

I know this is not
what you're expecting,

but I've always found
these things
to be negotiable.

You want to negotiate ?
Now, hold on.

If it's all the same with you,
judge, we'd rather get less.
Much less.

Now we're getting somewhere.
[ Officer ]
Now, stop right there.

I didn't bring 'em in
so you could give 'em
less than minimum.

These fellows are professionals.
They should get
what they deserve.

- [ Whispers ] Damn cop.
- We'll take one, Your Honor.

Sold American.
Let the record show that
they've agreed to 1,000.

Put in the time
and date it.

- One thousand ?
- Yes.

One thousand what ?

Which one of you is Steven,
and which one is David ?

What ?
Oh, for Christ's sakes !

Which one of you is Steven,
and which of you fellas
is David ?

I'm Steven,
and this is--
W-- The other one.

Well, Steven,
we're talking about
$1,000 here,

which you've
just agreed to.

Two thousand
is highway robbery
and you know it.

Now, if we're done here,
you go to see Joe
at the bank in the morning.

You can sign
for your money then.

- Welcome to Happy.
- [ Gavel Pounds ]

[ Harry ]
There must be something here
with our names on it.

[ Squeaking ]

Midget clothes.

We're midgets.

We're not midgets. No.

Maybe whoever owned this
had kids.

[ Bell Jingling ]
Circus kids.

[ Jingling Continues ]

Hey, what about this ?

Hey, maybe we are tailors.

We travel
from town to town...

tailoring dresses for...

circus midgets.

Traveling midget tailors ?

Yeah, you think ?

No.

[ Drawer Opens ]

"Pageant World.

The magazine for the pageant
and talent industry."

Heavy reading.

What is this ?

Oh, my !
Whoo !

[ Chuckling ]
Legs that
wrap around you twice.

Yeah.

"Princess pageants
at pauper prices.

"Dreams do come true,
and we come to you.

Trust Steven and David,
the pageant professionals."

We put on beauty pageants.
Wait.

You mean we drive around
in this thing here--

And slide hot bodies
into tight dresses.

[ Chuckling ]
I could do that.

Hey, it's some photos.

Hey.
[ Chuckling ]

Yeah.

Here we are in front
of the motor home.
Uh-huh.

[ Gulps ]

So we're gay.

How hard can that be ?

It might not be hard
for you, Rock Hudson,

but I have got...
[ Whispers ]
heterosexual--

- What ?
- "Not gay"--
written all over me.

- It's business.
It's for the money.
- I don't want to be gay.

I'm not asking
for the world here.

I'm not asking you
to act civil.

Just-- Just walk into the bank
and cosign for $1,000.

A thousand dollars !

[ Woman ]
Do you really
need a new tractor,

or do you just want one ?

All right. Now, can I
have your account number...
with the bank ?

- Hi. Uh-- Can I help you ?
- [ Harry ] Yeah, sweetheart.

We got some
confidential business
with the bank's president.

Oh ! Oh, you must
be the pageant people.

Yeah. We're here
to collect the $1,000.

Oh, I-I think that's, uh,
half. Half a thousand.

No, no.
All of it.

You want to go fetch
the pants around here ?

We prefer to deal with Joe.
Nothing personal.

Joe.

Jo-sephine McClintock.

Howdy. How y'all doin' ?

Folks around here
call me Joe,
after my dad.

He died quite some time ago,
so he's gonna be kind of hard
for me to fetch.

I know that I'm just
a girl and everything,

but I do believe that
the agreement was 500 up front
and five upon completion.

Well, aren't we
the assholes ?
[ Chuckling ]

Fifty, four hundred.
Fifty and fifty makes it
five hundred. There you go.

You're both
going to need to sign here
as proof of receipt, okay ?

Ely, what are you doin' out
here this early ? I got it.
Hey, Joe.

Uh, the boys at the co-op
give me a $20,000 advancement
on my crop.

Mm-hmm.
Well, I'll have that...

in fives and twenties.

Oh, come on, Ely. You know I
don't have that kind of money
around here till harvest day.

Why don't you
leave this here with me
for the next two weeks ?

I'll pay you
better interest than
that mattress of yours.

After harvest day,
I can cash any check
you like, hmm ?

Well, could you let me have
$3.00 for lunch, then ?

Well, I'll need
to see some I.D.

No, no, no, Ely.
That was a joke.

- Oh. [ Chuckles ]
- Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye.
All right.

So, Joe, you cash a lot
of $20,000 checks around here ?

Why ? You got one
that needs to be cashed ?

- Not on me.
- Why, it's bad luck.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Well, uh, it was--
It was real interesting
meeting you both.

Yep. See ya.

Yeah, very nice...
meeting you.
Oh.

Very... nice.
Okay.

[ Door Closes ]

Fan-fucking-tastic.
Let's find us some wheels
and get out of Dodge.

Are you thinkin' again ?
'Cause you could think
on the road, you know.

We're not going.
What ?

We're staying.
We're not going.

"We" ? Did you
grow another face ?
'Cause I'm out of here.

Remember, my half now.
Two-fifty. Give it over.

Oh, this one's sweet.
Would you just stop
and think ?

Two-fifty is plainly enough
for me to get out of here.

Get how far ?

Right now every law enforcement
officer in the southwest
is looking for you.

But no one is looking
for a cake-eating,
pageant-producing,

midget-tailoring gay couple
in Happy, Texas.

Wait for the heat
to cool down.
Stay here two weeks.

Then we take the bank down
and travel in style, right ?

When did people in small towns
start lockin' their doors ?

[ Sighs ]
God !

All right.
What about the R.V. ?

I mean, somebody's gonna
come lookin' for that.
Worries we don't have yet.

If it gets hot,
we just grab a car
and get gone, right ?

All right. Let's say
I go along with this.

I mean,
you're kind of a wuss.
You've been right so far.

What do you need me for ?

Two-man job, Wayne.

I need a partner.

Oh, uh--
Mornin'. Howdy.

I'm glad I found y'all.
I looked at your place.

- What can we do for you ?
- They're waitin'.

- They're waiting ?
- The girls.

- Oh, the girls !
- It-It started without you.
I told 'em I'd round y'all up.

The girls are waiting.
Yeah, the girls.

Hardly sit down,
they're so excited
to meet you two.

I've often said to David--
"David," I've said,

"nothin' starts the day off
like an excited girl."

Yep, and I've often said,
"Right."

Well, just giddyap.

** [ Jazz ]
[ Woman ]
And ball change and sugar.

And ball change.
Now we do a loop kick.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Girls Chattering ]

Now, normally I like to be
on the glamour end
of a partnership,

but you've got a real way
with people.

I've seen it.
So to use your talents
in the best way possible,

I'm willing to take
the burden of responsibility
for the bank.

Yours will be this...
pageant thing.

Or how about this ?

You bite me.
Why can't I do the bank ?
Why do I got to do the kids ?

[ Harry ] You know
what I was doing time for ?
Sorry. Good mornin'.

Well, I'd like to welcome
you both to Happy.
I'm Miss Schaefer.

Good mornin', Miss Schaefer.
I'm Steven.

I'm the other one.
David.
David.

Hi. Well, we're just
so very excited,
y'all being here and all.

We're convinced,
with your expertise,

we can finally qualify
this year.

I'm afraid I've been doin' the
Little Fresh-Squeezed Pageants
for eight years now.

No qualifiers yet.

Last couple of years,
even the parents stopped comin',
which is a disappointment.

But we're hostin' the event
this year.

What with 13 towns
and nearly 100 girls
competing, well--

Well, you did the right thing
calling us in,

because David here is what
we call in the business
a pageant master.

- Really ?
- There are only four of those
in the whole United States.

My, my.

So, what I'd like
to do is to leave you
in his capable hands...

and let him work his magic,
while I tend
to our business affairs.

Steven, you don't
have to go so soon.

- Yes, I do, David.
- No, you don't, Steven.

Yes, I do, darling.

He hates it when
we're apart.
Oh.

Pleasure to meet you,
Miss Schaefer.
Nice meeting you.

See ya.

Mmm.

Well.
[ Chuckles ]

Would you like
to meet the girls ?

[ Girl ]
Don't point at me !
No, don't !

Do you mind if I just...
stand here for a minute ?

[ Girl ]
Yeah, and you do it
with your booty.

[ Chattering Continues ]

You don't have to be nervous
about the girls. They're
fine with, uh, you know.

- What ?
- About you
being a h-homosexual.

Oh, yeah.

[ Miss Schaefer ]
Now, everyone, I want you
to say "hi" to David.

[ Together ]
Hi, David !

[ Whispers ]
Hi.

[ Miss Schaefer ]
Your booklet
requested a piano.

Perhaps you'd like
to let the girls vocalize ?

Great.

[ Voice Cracking ]
* Ah

Too high.

** [ One Piano Chord ]
[ Weakly ]
* Ah

** [ One Chord ]
* Old Dan Tucker
was a fine old man *

** [ Continues ]
* Washed his face
in a frying pan *

* Combed his hair
with a wagon wheel *

* Died with a toothache
in his heel *

* Way out west

[ Whispers ]
* Old Dan Tucker

* Go out west

* Old Dan... kicking around

* Way out west
Old Dan Tucker **

Old Dan Tucker.
Was that that hard ?

Hello ?

Hello ?

Hello ?

Hello.

Hello to you.
[ Gasps ]

Jesus.

Thought I was going to
have to stop a bank robbery.

You really scared me.

Last man in that safe
who didn't work here,
my daddy shot in his tracks.

I understand that's
the most painful place
to be shot in.

So, uh, what are you
doin' back there ?

I couldn't find anybody.
I called out.
The safe was open.

But it could've
been soundproofed.

I'm going to have to
start beefin' up security
around here.

Pistol whip him, Chappy.
Give him a little
knick-knack-paddy-whack.

He's one of
those pageant fellas.
Oh. Ohh !

- Oh, Joe, ask him
about the trees.
- The trees ?

Yep. You are lookin'
at the pageant's
decoration committee.

Yeah, we've been out
shoppin' for decorations.

We sort of decided
on orange trees
and twinkle lights.

- I mean, if that's
all right with you.
- Twinkle lights sounds great.

Um, well, I--
So, was there somethin'
that you needed ?

No.

I just wanted to make sure
the decorations
were taken care of.

And things look great here,
so, uh--
Okay.

[ Claps Hands ]
So I'd better go check
on Wayne.

- Uh, Wayne, uh, Newton.
- Oh.

- The music for
the dance numbers.
- [ Chuckles ]

Gotta go.

Okay.
Well, I'll see ya.

Hmm.

Bye.

Not how I pictured him
at all.

They're crafty that way.
Mm.

I mean, he's cute
in a sort of zestfully
clean kind of way.

But I like my men
a little dirty
and packin' heat.

Mm, Chappy ?

Uh, I best
bring the rest of it up.
All right.

I've got it. I've got it.
I've got it.
Thank you.

I thought they were gay.
They are.

[ Chuckling ]
I don't know much,
but I know men.

And he was lookin' at you
the way a fat man
looks at fried food.

[ Wayne, Girls ]
* Sixty-four bottles of beer
on the wall *

* Sixty-four bottles of beer

* You take one down
Pass it around *

[ Girls ]
* Sixty-four bottles
of beer on the wall **

** [ Country/Western ]

[ Chappy ]
No, goddamn it.

They're keepin' us
totally in the dark here.

Yeah, I got
my tactical display here.
Mm-hmm.

Hold on. Hold on.
Hey ! Hey, hey, hey !

Come on in here.
Come on.
Save me a trip.

Hold, uh-- Hold.
Let me get a pen
and a paper here.

Hold on.
Look at that.

What do you think of that ?
Okay, give it to me.

It wasn't my idea to escape.
It was a fight
between Wayne and Bob.

Hey, can I finish
this phone call, please ?
Thank you.

Go ahead.
Send it to me.

No, don't fax it to me !
Goddamn it, that's what
I've been tellin' you.

It's--
It's all... mushy.

I can't make
heads or tails out of it.

Bring it to me.
You bet.
That'd be fine.

Tomorrow ? Fine.

I'll keep an eye out
for you.

[ Sighs ]
Oh.

I was gonna find you.

The boys at the garage--

Your R.V. there--
basically a piece of crap.

- Sorry.
- [ Sighs ]

- So how are you ?
- Better all the time.

** [ Continues ]

[ Man Over Radio ]
Mexican authorities have been
brought into the search...

for the three men who escaped
from a prison van yesterday.

Police now think the three
may have crossed the border
into Mexico,

so the manhunt
is being concentrated...

along the Rio Grande Valley.

** [ Rock ]
[ Panting ]

You won't believe
what just happened to me.

Thank goodness
for small-town sheriffs.

The guy's holding
my mug shot in his hand.

Next thing I know,
we're drinking a beer
and talking about--

[ Grunting ]
[ Panting Continues ]

If you ever leave me
with a kid again,

I will make sure
that you never have one !

You have no idea
what it is like...

to have these screamin'
little booger eaters
lookin' up at you,

expecting you to...

know stuff.

[ Woman ]
* An ordinary heart

* Comes in a plain
brown wrapper *

[ Panting Continues ]
Why can't we do the bank now ?

Because right now that bank is
just an ugly stepsister to when
the harvest money comes in !

That's why !
I don't care whose sister
is at the bank.

I can't go back in there
and play the fool.
All right.

I agree.

All right ?
Don't.

* That's just the price that
life imposes on a heart *

* And on every heart *

** [ Rock Continues ]
We gotta get the girls
into the pageant.

It's the answer to keeping
the whole town busy on bank day.

It's the best of
all possible diversions.

It's our alibi.

We can't rob a bank
if we're hosting
a beauty pageant, can we ?

No.
Wayne.

Come on, Wayne.
[ Sighs ]

Solitary--

lousy food,
big men with bad breath.

Or we're rich--

great beaches,

foreign women
with large breasts.

I'm gonna pick that one.
All right !

All right. You're on.
All right.
Sold American.

[ Harry ]
To pull it off, this needs
to be more of a partnership.

[ People Chattering ]

All right.
Thank you, guys.
Yeah.

[ Police Chatter On Radio ]

[ Knocking On Door ]

Hello ? Sheriff ?
Anybody here ?

[ Police Chatter
Continues ]

[ Car Engine Starts ]

Hello ?

Sheriff Dent ?

Give me that gasoline,
Jency !
[ Whining ]

I promise you I'm going
to let you do your
flaming baton trick later.

- [ Whining Continues ]
- ** [ Girls Singing,
Indistinct ]

* Sissies, sissies
Pageant sissies *

- [ Whining ]
- [ Boy Screams ]

- David, do you want
to help me with something ?
- [ Grunts ]

- Right.
- [ Blows Landing ]

- I wanna get him !
- No ! Let go of me, you homo !

You come anywhere near
these girls again,
I won't say nothin'.

I'm just gonna come over
to your house late at night
when you're asleep...

and kill you
with a chain saw.
[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts,
Screaming Continues ]

Cool.

You got no room
to talk, lady !

Don't you ever let me catch you
fight like that again !

You don't ever
drop your lead shoulder
when you throw a punch.

You think shoulder to face
when you hit.

Shoulder to face.

Sure you're okay ?
Yeah.

Do you smoke ?
No, thanks.

Man, I've never seen
Miss Schaefer that mad before.

She was mad ?

I think she was expecting
more from this whole thing.

She's been talking about
all this great stuff
you were going to teach us.

And, well, so far,
nothin'.

[ Chattering ]
All right, goddamn it !
Shut "yer" yappers !

Get your diapered butts
in line ! Get over here !

Over here !
[ Whimpering, Crying ]

- Now, we got work to do !
- Cool !

All right. This might
look hard at first.

All right. Head back !
Oh, my God.
** [ Jazz ]

One, two, three, four !

Go ! Okay !
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

** [ Woman Singing,
Indistinct ]

It's a tornado !
It's a tornado...

goin' through
the small town !

Whippin' around.

Watch it. Make it go.

Winds of fury !

Giddyap ! Go ! Go !

[ Whistles ]

Okay.
All right.
Let's get started.

Girls.

Would you like to try
to follow what he did ?

** [ Rock ]
[ Judge ] Going once.
Going twice. Sold !

Three hundred and fifty
dollars for this nice
Mako gas range over here.

[ Woman ]
* Cute butt

* Sexy eyes

* Tall and dark
I know what I like *

* Heart of gold

* Brain to match
Ain't gonna settle *

Next up here we have
a wonderful item.
* For less than that *

This is a classic.
It's antique.

It's a Ming vase.
It's a Ming vase ?

It's a Wyo-ming vase.
[ Laughter ]

I brought it in
from Wyoming.
But it's a nice one.

There's a little crack
in the back,
but you can fix that up.

How about we start this
at $100 ? A $100 bid.

A hundred dollars, anybody ?
A hundred-- How about
this outstanding picture ?

A man sitting on a tractor.
I don't believe
it's a John Deere,

but his wife
probably calls him
John Dear.

[ Applause ]
Right now our next lot
is lot 24.

It's a collection of tires.
You all know Varnel's
affection for tires.

There's a lot of good rubber
in these tires, and there's
some steel belteds in there.

We'll start the bidding at 200.
Two hundred. Two hundred. Give
me three. Lookin' for three.

Three hundred dollar bid,
dollar bid. Three hundred
dollars. Lookin'--

- Hi. Am I glad to see you.
I thought I was going to die.
- We got a $400 bid.

Hey, Varnel,
what are you biddin' on ?

Joe, that's a-a hell
of a price.

But, Varnel,
those are your tires.

- Judge, don't let him
buy those tires.
- Sorry, Varnel.

- We'll continue biddin' here.
- Have you always
taken care of everyone ?

You know what they say
about small towns--
like big families, no secrets.

Which is, um, sort of why
I wanted to, uh, talk to you.

Uh, I need some advice.

You can trust me.

This is a little hard, um,
but I feel I can talk to you,

because you're, um--
because you're sort of--

Because I'm an outsider ?
Well, because--

You are. Yes, you are,
but that's not it.
Because I'm handsome ?

No. I mean,
you're very handsome,
I think.

But that's not really
what I'm, uh--

Okay.
Because I'm a man ?

Yes.

And no.

I feel like I can talk to you
like a girlfriend. You know
what I mean ?
That's a first.

I mean it in a good way.
I haven't had a girlfriend
in a really long time.

Me either.
Hilarious.
[ Chuckles ]
That's funny.

I couldn't help but notice
that you seemed to have kept...

a certain amount of... passion
in your relationship.

With David ?
Passion ?

Yeah, I, uh, I-I guess
I work hard to keep that
in my life.

See, relationships for me
have all just been
a little bit... fuzzy.

The difference between
what is good
and what is settling...

has always been
a real problem for me.

So I'm just lookin'
for anything that would help.

A tip or magic spell.
[ Chuckles ]

For a relationship
that you're in ?

Yeah.
Oh.

And this guy, uh--
It is a guy, right ?

Yes, it's a guy.
Of course it's a guy.
Good.

Guys are easy.
All they want is--
[ Siren Wailing ]

[ People Chattering ]
The bank. The bank !

The bank ?

[ Siren Continues ]

Sugar, stop cryin'.
It's all right.

It's just an accident.
Everybody all right ?

[ Coughing ]

Ow !

Here's your baton,
Jency.
[ Gasps ]

I'm sorry it melted.
It's out !
The fire is out !

All you people go home !

No, no, no.
[ Siren Continues ]

Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.

And will somebody
turn off the damned alarm ?

Man, I always get scared
when I hear that
old tornado siren.

You thought a tornado
hit the bank ?

No ! No, the bank's alarm,
fire department...

and public safety
are all tied in
to the same system.

My heart is going
a mile a minute.

Girl, you need to relax.
Yeah, well, I'm open
to suggestions.

Why don't you let me give
the girlfriend role a try ?

Help you out
with the decorations.
Okay.

Why don't you
come by tomorrow, then ?

[ Crying ]
David ?

May I have a word with you,
please ?

Now, most times,
I don't like to have
to say anything...

about what people say
or what they do,

but I will not
stand by and allow you
to use vulgar language...

like the "G.D." word
in front of those little girls.

I will not let that happen.
Do you understand me ?

I wish you wouldn't
talk to me like that.

Well, I'm sorry, David,
but it had to be said.

I'm sorry.
Hi, Miss Schaefer.

- Would you mind if I borrowed
David for one second ?
- No.

It's the end times.

What the hell
are you trying to do ?
About what ?

Fry a bunch of little girls ?
Need I remind you ?

Need I remind you
that those girls
are our meal ticket here ?

Ow !

What'd you do that for ?
Don't talk to me like that.

Okay.

God. My mistake.

[ Grunts ]

[ Sniffing ]

Everything, um, copacetic
with your companion there ?

- Yeah. We're more like
just friends now.
- Yeah, it seems friendly.

Yeah, in many ways
we just stick together
'cause of the job.

Your, uh-- your work's
awful important to you,
then ?

Sure. I gotta go.

H-Hold on there.
Hold on.

I was thinkin'.
Something occurred to me.

If you got the time, I'd like
to ask you some questions
about you and your friend there.

You mind comin' over
to my office ?

C-Can I do it another time ?
It'd be better for me.

[ People Chattering ]

** [ Country/Western ]
[ Sawing ]

[ Joe ]
How's it goin' ?

[ Harry ]
You know what they say.

What are they sayin' now ?

Oh, you know.
Measure twice, cut once.
You ?

- How are you doing ?
- Good.

I'm almost finished
with my masterpiece.
I call it "Family Tree."

I think I may have
just found my true calling.
How are you doing ?

You almost done
with the tree trunks ?
We need 'em.

Be right there.
So tell me about
this man of yours.

- Uh, his name is Glenn.
- Uh-huh.

Where is Glenn now ?
He's in Van Horn.

He stops by
every once in a while
for dinner and breakfast.

A few late-night phone calls.
It's a very modern relationship.

We've been together
six years next month.

Six years of what ?
Breakfast and phone calls ?

It sounds kind of convenient.
It doesn't sound very...
permanent.

- Well, I can wait.
- What for ?

You know when you're in
your 20s and everything
is going to happen someday ?

And then you get a little past
your 20s and someday
is happening or has happened.

Your dad dies, and you go
from being Josephine to Joe,
president of the bank.

And everybody
starts depending on you.

Your love life
sort of takes a back seat.

You start to realize
that maybe your--

maybe your ultimate dreams
are unattainable.

I don't know. I guess
I'm still waiting for someday.

On the plus side,
he does do somethin'
every once in a while...

that feels worth
waitin' for.

What's that ?
He tells me
that he loves me.

Oh, come on !
"Love you" is easy.
Men say it all the time.

Men say
they love their work.

Love their cars,
love their--
love their freedom.

- He should be telling you
something more than that.
- Like what ?

Here. He should take you
in his arms, look you
straight in your eyes.

He should say--

I don't know.
He should say,

"I may have seen a woman
in my life...

"who is considered prettier,
but I've never seen one
more beautiful.

"When you laugh
and your eyes are happy,

I think no matter what,
I'm a success."

He should say,
"I want you." Yeah.

"I want you, Joe.

"You'll never be second
to anything else,

"because I want you more
than anything else.

"I want to kiss you.

I want to breathe in
the air out of you."

Right.
Like some straight guy's
ever gonna say that.

Oh, my God.

Whoo ! Man, you are good.
You know that ?

You are really, really good.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, a man in love
is a man in love.
Yeah.

It makes them
say the strangest things.

Come on.
Finish the trees.

Yeah. Okay. Trees.
Let's go.

Well, I, uh--
I'd better go wash this off
so we can...

move on to gettin' covered
in tree-trunk brown, yep.

Oh, excuse me.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Faucet Running ]

[ Faucet Stops ]

[ Clattering ]

[ Paper Rustling ]
[ Chappy ]
Don't move.

Got ya. Bang.
[ Animal Squeals ]

Phew !

There's one less bunny rabbit
that'll be bothering you.

Damn rodents. Chewin' up
everything in sight.

You know,
they breed like rabbits.

Yeah, I heard.

[ Clears Throat ]
Sheriff, why are we out here ?

Let me choose
the right words here.

Uh, ever since you
and David come to town,

I've been thinkin'.

What's wrong
with this picture ?

There's one.
You want him ?
No.

Look, there he goes.
He's got two. Thank you.
[ Gunshots ]

Truth to tell,
I invited you out here
because I need some advice.

Sure, if I can help.

I'm just a crusty old
redneck, and I don't
express myself well.

Recently there's someone
that I would...

love to express myself to.

[ Chuckles ]
Why, Sheriff,

you've got a crush
on some sweet thing.

That's great.

There comes a time
in a man's life
when he must be bold.

Uh, sure. I-I've learned
that you've got to say
what's in your heart.

Life is short.

And to let the chance
pass you by of spending it
with someone you love--

[ Chuckles ]
That's a sin.
A real sin.

Here we go.
You want this one ?

You take him.
Bring it up nice and slow.
[ Cocks Rifle ]

Easy, easy, easy. You got
the safety off there ?

Is it tight against
your shoulder ?
Keep it tight.

Nice and tight.
That's good.
You're good.

Yeah.
I guess like everybody else,
I'm scared of bein',

you know, rejected.

There's no way, man.

You're a real catch.
You're a man's man.

You're a nice guy.
You got your health.

And everybody knows
what a turn-on
a uniform is.

Just bring it up tight
into your shoulder there.
Mm-hmm.

You're going to just...
squeeze it.

Don't jerk it.
Just... squeeze it.

Look right down the barrel.
Keep both your eyes open.

You mean all that stuff
that you said ?

If you were gay,
you'd be just my type.

- Pop him.
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Rabbit Squealing ]

Jiminy Crickets.
Are you all right ?

I, uh-- Yeah.
Did I get it ?

Uh, I don't think
there's any danger of that.

Are you sure
you're all right ?

Yeah, I'm fine.
[ Grunts ]

I think you're
mighty handsome.

I'd never split up
another couple.

But now that I see
that you and David
aren't together anymore,

well, that's a cat
of a different color.

So, bein' bold here.

What do you say you and me
go out on a proper date ?

** [ Latin ]

[ Grunts ]
God !

** [ Man Singing In Spanish ]

[ Yells ]

** [ Continues ]

[ Inaudible ]

Ow.

** [ Continues ]

[ Inaudible ]

Two bottles.

And land. And land.
Like an airplane.

'Cause I got my weight
in my hip.
Weight in my hip.

Weight in hip.

And land. And--

[ Laughing ]

** [ Continues ]

Put it up.

[ Chuckles ]

Punch and punch !
And come on !

Shh !

That way.
All right.
You do it.

Yeah, put it up here.
Doing the swan head.
Face me, though.

Good. All right.
Let's go inside
and show the others.

** [ Continues ]

** [ Country/Western ]
That's pretty much my story,
up through high school anyway.

Hi.
Lucky we had
the two-and-a-half-hour drive
to get here.

It's just that
I've heard about
this place for so long.

I figured this was
a good time--

[ Scattered Whooping ]

Tell you what.
I'll get us a couple of beers.

You can tell me
about yourself.

[ Man ]
* I'm glad that we agreed
Believe me *

* That's a big relief

* This place is awful crowded
and this music is so loud *

* Would you like to go
and grab a bite to eat
Me neither **

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on there.

God knows when we're
gonna see you again.

Um, we need
two more Tecates.
Each ?

At least.
There you go.

And, uh, give me
the meanest steak you got.
Rare, and I mean rare.

Just dehorn it,
wipe its butt
and send it in.

Steven ?

Two.
There you go.

Well, first things first:
I'm glad you're here.

** [ Continues ]

I wish you'd start
calling me Chappy.
Chappy.

There ya go.

* Got me a room
at a cheap motel *

* My head was spinnin'
and I didn't feel well *

Hope you'll understand
if we take this very slow.

Oh, I wouldn't have it
any other way.

* I fixed up my bed
and I covered up my head *
[ Chappy Counting, Indistinct ]

It's just that...
I feel we're a lot alike.

There's a lot
you don't know about me.

Well, that's what
life's for, isn't it ?

Findin' out.

I'm gonna spin you again.
No.

A one, two.

* I turned and I tossed *

[ Man ]
* Love is stranger
than fiction *

* And I make this prediction

* Even though you
say you won't *

* I know you'll let me down

* Tell me I'm
your heart's desire *

* Love me long
You livin' liar *

* We've got a strange love

* Love, love *

[ Sewing Machine Whirring ]

- How was the prom ?
- [ Chuckles ]

Your date.
Did you get any ?

Yeah, very funny.

Screw you.

Well, that would be
cheatin' on the sheriff.

- So you did some dancin' ?
- Why do you care ?

I'll tell you why I care.
[ Chuckling ]

- You don't think I know
what you're doin', do you ?
- What ?

Goin' to
the banker lady's house
for popcorn and pillow talk.

Goin' huntin'. What did you
do tonight ? Did you go
someplace nice for dinner ?

Did you
have a few drinks ? Hmm ?

You don't think I'd like
to get out some night
or have a nice meal ?

Spend one night not thinkin'
about the girls ?

You know what I did tonight ?
I'll tell you what I did.

I spent it right here...

tryin' to figure out if...

slip-stitchin' or bastin'
is the best way
to put on a sparkly heart.

Because you know what ?
I don't know how.
[ Gasping ]

Judges are gonna
be here tomorrow.

Madison's not gotten
all the way through her song.

The numbers
are all over the place.
Nobody can keep the beat.

And I'm scared to death
that Jency is gonna
drop her baton...

and fry like one of
them Buddhist monks.

There--

I thought this
was a partnership.

You know what I don't see ?

I don't see
no keys to the bank.

Fine, Wayne.
Let's trade.

You come pretend
to be Chappy's life mate.

You explain how you don't...

kiss early in a relationship
'cause you're not
that kind of guy.

So now it's Chappy.

Yes ! Damn it !
It's Chappy !

We're dating !

I gotta get out of here.

Every time we start
to have a nice talk,
you gotta go.

Fine. You know what ?
Maybe I'll just
go do the bank myself.

Okay, Wayne. Go.

You go do it.
You go do the bank.
All right.

First I gotta make
the polka-dotted flowers
for the girls' hats.

[ Joe ]
You're quiet today.
Are you all right ?

Every time
I think about you, I am.

What ?
You're such a surprise.

What do you mean ?

I don't know.
Just a surprise.

Well, I have
to get back to work.

I'll clean up.
Thanks.

Can I see you later ?
It's the last night in town.

I can't.
I'm having company.
How about after ?

It's Glenn, Steven.

"After" will be tomorrow.
Okay.

Well, thanks again
for lunch.

I'll see you.

Oh, David.
Where you been ?

I just woke up.
Where's the girls ?

They're inside
with the judges now.
It's so close.

We're so close this year.
Just once, I'd like
to show those people...

from Pecos and Fort Davis
that we are just as good
as they are.

Sorry.

I think we'll do fine.

You know, I just wanted
to tell you that next year...

you don't need my help,
'cause you done real good.

Well, thanks. Coming from
a professional like yourself,
that means so much.

Yep. Well--

And you are, I must say--
You are fuckin' great !

Don't mean to be rude.
We still have the girls to see
in Fort Davis this afternoon.

Thanks for your hospitality.
Everything looks very festive
for tomorrow.

Oh, here are
the final instructions
for the program...

and your copy
of the contestant list.

Are you telling me
that somebody qualified ?

Ms. Schaefer,
they all qualified.

They all qualified.

**

It zips ! It zips !
[ Yells Triumphantly ]

**

[ Man ]
* Trouble
Love trouble *

* Love trouble
Love that trouble *

* Aww, I think we can
do something about that **

** [ Singing Continues,
Indistinct ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Wayne Yells ]

Ow !

Ooh-Ooh.

[ Both Sighing ]

Now, I haven't
had a whole lot of experience,
but you're incredible.

I mean,
considering the fact that
you are h-- homosexual.

Well, that whole gay thing
is just kind of a--

a hobby, really.

I thought you had a lot
of girls' names on you
for a-- for a, you know.

- Who's Jessica ?
- Jessica Lange.

Ah. Who's Jamie ?

Jamie Lee Curtis,
from that movie Trading Places.

Who's this ?
That's not a tattoo.

Oh, my.

[ Train Whistle Blowing ]

Three most romantic
sounds in the world:

plane engine,
a ship's whistle
and a locomotive's horn.

Somebody
once said that.

Or maybe it's
the three loneliest sounds.
I can't remember.

What are you thinkin' about,
out here watchin' freighters
go by ?

Goin'.

[ Sighs ]

I'm always thinkin'
about goin'.

Oh, Lordy, we sure did get
to the gettin' gone part
quick.

- I got something for you.
- Chappy, you shouldn't have.

Go on, now.
It's for luck tomorrow...

and to say thanks.

Thank you for the--
the gift...

that these last days
have been.

You know, I--
I've been thinkin', hell,
Dallas ain't that far.

My schedule's
pretty flexible, and--

[ Stammers ]

We don't need
to talk about that now.
There's time for that later.

Go on. Open it.

It's a rabbit's foot.
I made it. It's for luck.

That come off the only one
you hit that day.

Thank you.
I want you to know,

when you leave--

I know folks around here.
They'll talk about it
for years.

"Remember when them two fellas
came for that beauty
pageant?"

I'll think about you.

I just want to make sure
you got something of me
with you.

[ Beeping ]

[ Winding ]

[ Chattering ]

You want some coffee ?

[ Joe ]
Hang on a second.
I'll be right there.

I didn't mean to be rude.
I just wanted to
get out of that robe.

So, I take it this is your
"I stayed up all night" look...

as opposed to your
"I'll get up early and get
Josephine some breakfast" look.

- That bad, huh ?
- I guess I should be flattered
by your stalking.

There's such a fine line
between stalking
and being attentive,

and I was...
being attentive.

How's Glenn ?

Oh, he's gone.

- Yeah, I saw him leave.
- No, I mean he's "gone" gone.

Yeah. I told him
it was over, and--

[ Sighs ]
He said fine, he wasn't
having that much fun anyway.

Very adult of him.

I mean, I was at least hopin'
for some tears or a tantrum.

Somethin'.

Well,
how 'bout that, huh ?

You all right ?

No.

Which is stupid. I mean,
it's not like anything he said
was such a big surprise.

It's just that--
It's just that...

I had this big speech worked out
about how I didn't want
to be second anymore,

[ Swallowing Words ]
how I wanted a relationship
that felt permanent, you know,

not just... convenient.

And I wanted to be part of
a couple that did things as a--

as a couple, you know ?

I wanted him to talk to me
the way you did, look at me,

pay attention to me
the way you do.

I mean...

that's not too much to ask,
right, that's not too much
to want ?

Joe.

Joe.

[ Sniffling ]

God.

I wish--

[ Sniffles ]
[ Whispers ]
Joe.

You're great.

You are. You're great.

You'll meet somebody.
You're going to meet someone.

Yeah.

And with my luck,
he'll turn out to be gay.

[ Horn Honking,
Tires Screeching ]
[ Man Shouting, Indistinct ]

All right--
All right. Outside.
Let's go.

Hey. You and me,
we ain't talkin'.

I know what
you're doin' here.
It's not right.

Hi there.

Sure lookin' forward
to that pageant this afternoon.

Listen. I am not waitin'
for you to clean this place out
this afternoon, and I get zip.

I'm going to sign
for my other 250, which I've
more than earned, and then--

Good morning, boys.
Piss on you.
I am gone.

Wait, wait.
Two-fifty ?

Saw Liberace one time
in Laughlin. Great show.
He's an all right fella too.

Like y'all, but sittin'
at the far end of that counter,
if you know what I mean.

- Would you excuse us ?
- Oh, sure.

Two-fifty ? You're here
to sign for the other half
of the salary ?

I thought you were
going to rob a bank.
Me ?
I'm not robbing the bank.

You're robbing the bank.
I'm not robbing the bank !

It was your idea.

Yeah, it was my idea,
but now it's not--
I think I'm falling in love.

With the sheriff
or the banker ?

With Joe.

- Bad luck.
- Boys, in case no one else
got around to telling you,

we sure do appreciate
what y'all done around here.

Well, that's it.
See you both at the show.

Hey, you've
done a good job, Wayne.

Better'n I could've done
with those kids.

You're a good partner.
You take my share.

It's time for me to go.

Buenos dias, girls. I got
my new car parked outside.

Y'all want
to come look at it ?

[ Woman ]
Next.

[ Bob ]
Ain't life funny ?
Us back together again.

Kind of like a Kodak commercial.
Imagine my surprise...

when I come up out of my hole
where I've been waitin'
for things to cool off,

and who do I see
in my bank ?

Goat boy's girlfriend here.

So tell me, girlfriend,
tell me about your plan
to get my money.

Or we can do my plan,

but I always figure
killin' a bunch of people
makes for a slower getaway.

- All right.
I'll give you the combo.
- Whoo. Hey. Alarm.

- Thank you, Wayne.
- What about that ?

- Don't worry about the alarm.
I'll cut the alarm.
- If it's on a reset switch,

it'll start before you--

- What about that ?
- It'll be on for a second
or two.

I'll coordinate
the break-in with...

something loud.

- What's loud ?
- Well, when my girls
come onstage,

that entrance music
is pretty loud.

- [ Inaudible ]
- [ Woman ] David !
- How you doin' ?

- Quarter of 4:00.
- Okay. 3:45, I cut the alarm.

Then you're on your own.

[ Wayne ]
How long has he been in there ?
[ Harry ] Hmm ?

In the bathroom. How long do
you think he's been in there ?
What's it matter ?

I would-- I was thinkin' if
he has the cramps or somethin',
we could surprise him.

What are you going to do ?
Jump him in the can ?
I can take him.

No, you can't.
I think I can take him.

Wayne, I hate
to be the one to tell you this,
but you're a lousy fighter.

Well, at least
I ain't actin' like
a pee-waddlin' hound...

handin' out
the combination
of my girlfriend's bank.

I am not helping him.

All right.
I am helping him.

But it's better this way.
No one gets hurt.
[ Toilet Flushing ]

You should've seen it.
Lifted me right off the seat.

I could've
named it Flipper.

Hey, you both look
que bonita, just like
everything's normal.

That's good.
[ Knocking ]

Steven, it's me,
Chappy.

Who's Chappy ?

The sheriff.

You get
rid of him right quick,
or else I will.

Getting dressed !
Just a second !

Hey, Chappy. Hey.
Hey, you.

I wasn't trying to catch you
with just your drawers on.
I promise.

- Hey, David.
- How are you ?

I thought I'd
stop and visit for a bit
before the festivities begin.

I got a line
on some transportation for you.

It ain't pretty, but it'll
get you where you're goin'.

I-- I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting something ?

Yeah. You sort of are
right now.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Steven, I'm--

Think I'm bein' a little selfish
right now, and it's your
last day in town and all,

and I'm tryin' to fit in
as much time as I possibly can.

Me and the boys
were fixin' up your R.V. there.

We're going
to tow it to El Paso.
I think we can--

Chappy, I need you to go.

I can stay out of your way here
till you're done.

I-I don't want you
in here right now, okay ?

Of course.

Sure. All right.

We still going to sit together
during the show, right ?

No. No, I don't think so.

- What ? What are you
talkin' about ?
- Will you just go away ?

I don't want to sit
with you tonight. I don't want
to see you back here again.

I don't want you
looking for me after the show.

- Steven, if there's something
I've done--
- Here.

No.
I must've
been out of my mind.

Wastin' my time
with some redneck,
hick sheriff...

with bug eyes
and two left feet.

Just leave me alone.

It's nice my new amigo
is so concerned
about his friends.

Means I don't have to worry
about how this is going
to go down.

[ Sniffs ]
Let's do it.

** [ Organ ]
[ Chattering ]

All right.

[ All Chattering ]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Okay, everyone,
I hope we're all ready.

Come on. Come on.
Come here.

Okay. Do you think
we should pray ?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why don't you go ahead ?

All right.
Bow your heads.

What about hold hands ?

- All right. Let's hold hands.
- Okay.

Okay, God,

just...

want you to look down
on these girls here.

They're like little flowers,
and the rain you send 'em...

got to be gentle and sweet.

We come to you today,
and we ask you to just...

help 'em--

help us grab this pageant
by the balls and rip 'em off.

I mean, if those judges
don't like us, then screw 'em.

These girls here--
they're talented,
they're pretty.

And if those judges
say anything different,

then I hope
that on Judgment Day...

you put their asses
through a meat grinder.

Amen.
Amen !

Amen.
[ Woman ]
It's show time, folks !

- Let's go !
- Good luck ! Break a leg !
Not really.

** [ Organ: Continues ]

All right.
Break an egg.

- [ Man ]
Yeah !
- Ladies and gentlemen.

[ Audio Feedback ]

Straight from
the big bend of Texas,

your nominees
for Little Miss Fresh-Squeezed.

[ All Cheering ]

** [ Country Instrumental ]
[ Man ]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo !

All right !

Welcome to Happy.
Welcome.

Where we are more than
happy to be hosting
the 18th Annual...

Little Miss Fresh-Squeezed
preteen talent competition.

Ninety-seven girls
from 13 communities...

competing for a chance
to represent their hometown
at the state pageant...

in Dallas next month.

[ People Cheering,
Chattering ]

What's going on ?
No matter what,
remember: 3:45.

3:45.
[ Grunts ]

Hey. Oh.

[ Ringing ]
Speak.

* This little light
of mine *

* I'm going
to let it shine *

* This little light of mine
I'm going to let it shine *

* This little light of mine
I'm going to let it shine *

* Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine **

[ Audience Cheering ]

Well, you do--
[ Clearing Throat ]

That's why-- Good news.
The Del Rio girls
haven't shown up,

so the Happy Girls
are going to go onstage
early.

I thought maybe we could
go back to my place.

Go-- That would be-- What ?
We could go back
to my place.

Wait. Happy Girls
aren't supposed to go on
till quarter to 4:00.

We're 15 minutes early.
Oh.

David. David.
No, David.
[ Gasping ]

[ People Cheering ]

Hi-ho.

[ Grunts ]
You know, this reminds me
of a story.

[ Woman Over Police Radio,
Indistinct ]
Well, I'll be dipped.

[ Ripping ]

Hey, Alton, get a map,
get ahold of the SWAT boys
and get your best body armor.

Yes, sir.
We have been invited
to a party.

[ Officer ]
Call the local boy.
Tell him what's up.

[ Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Chappy Crying ]

[ Panting ]

- * Way out west
- * Old Dan Tucker

- * Pop some corn
- * Old Dan Tucker *

- We got to go.
- Hey, I am in the middle
of a song here.

- Well, our plans
have been changed.
- [ Woman ] Hey. Come on.

Please trust me.
Get us a car.

[ Miss Schaefer Over P.A. ]
I could not be prouder today
to introduce to you...

the Happy Girls.

** [ Upbeat Instrumental ]

[ Glass Breaking ]
[ Alarm Sounding ]

[ Wayne ] What the hell
are we doing here ?
The alarm is in Chappy's office.

[ Man ]
Whoo !

- [ Alarm Continues, Shuts Off ]
- Okay !

Enough. I consider
the bank robbed,
the town safe.

- It's time to go.
- Come on. Where are they ?

- Who ?
- Texas marshals.

- You saw Texas marshals
out there ?
- No.

Oh, Jesus. You scared me.
For a minute there,
I thought we were in trouble.

- They should be here by now.
- No, see,

if they responded to alarms,
which they don't--

- I called them.
- Jesus on a crutch !
What the--

I couldn't let him
have Joe's bank.
I can't let Bob do that.

They're here.
I think it's time we go.

Thank you.

No.

Joe, don't !

Joe !

[ Alton ]
No, you got to hit
Farm Market Road 2448.

South to Happy.
Great googly moogly.
What is goin' on now ?

- [ Bob ]
Look who's here, mija.
- [ Joe Grunts ]

- Joe.
- He's talkin' to you.

Steven.
That's enough.

I put four of 'em inside.
Let's assume the woman
is a civilian.

You let me know
when one of you boys
got a clear shot.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Bob ]
You know what I don't figure,
goat boy ?

Either you're here for the cut,
in which case I'd just as soon
shoot you,

or maybe you've come
for mi nov here.

You don't have to hurt her, Bob.
Hurting her is not
part of the deal.

[ Crying ]

Huh.

[ Grunting ]

[ Bob ]
You stand real still.
You hold this.

- I'm going to have to ask you
for your gun.
- Gun ?

[ Scoffs ]
Amateurs.

[ Alton ]
Got an unidentified
on the street.

[ Marshal ]
Did anybody get ahold
of the local ?

Bob, we had a deal.
You take the money.

I'm warning you.

- That's all you're
taking out of here.
- You're warning me ?

- You are one dumb peon.
- [ Grunts ]

- [ Yells ]
- [ Marshal ]
Shots fired ! Shots fired !

[ Men Yelling ]

[ Marshal ]
I got him !

-Could you tell your boy to
cease fire before he kills us ?
-Cease fire ! Cease fire !

[ Gasping ]

Sir, we got us
an officer in there.
What are we going to do ?

Admire him, son.
That is one big-dicked cop.

- [ Gasping ]
- [ Gasping ]

[ Grunts ]

- Officer down !
- Holy hell ! Somebody
kill me one of them bastards !

- [ Joe Gasping ]
- [ Bob Grunting ]

Come on, lover.

[ Gasping ]
Oh, Jesus.

Well, here's a surprise.
You all right ?

Don't you worry about me.
I've been hurt worse today.

Oh, Chappy.

Chappy.

I want you to know,
I'm not trying to rob the bank.

That's good to know.
I'd hate to think I got shot
trying to stop a bank robbery.

You going to be okay ?

I think
I can take him.

I'm a bit confused.

- [ Joe Grunting ]
Ow.
- [ Bob Grunting ]

I love small towns.
Ow.

Hey, get in !

Damn it !

[ Wayne ]
What now ?

- Hit the brakes !
- [ Tires Screeching ]

[ Joe Grunts ]
Ohh. Ow.

You stay here
with the local.

- [ Tires Screeching ]
- Whoa !
- [ Wayne ] He's shooting !

- Turn !
- Hey !

Jesus on a cracker !

[ Marshal ]
We are in pursuit of
a late-model tow truck...

pulling an early-model
recreational vehicle.

We're traveling east
on... Farm Road.

Uh, Farm Road--
Farm Road, uh--

[ Chappy Over Radio ]
1832, but you don't
want to go that way.

1832 makes a big,
lazy loop east.

Instead, you fellas
oughta take 2886 south,
and I'll head 'em to you.

- I'm going to try
to get up there !
- Ely,

you still workin'
that east parcel ?

- Hey, Chappy.
- I need a favor.

You mind drivin' ? I'm feelin'
a little light-headed.

Look ! Shooting them
is not going to make this truck
go any faster.

But dumpin' 'em will. Now,
I want you to take the wheel.

- [ Harry ]
Joe !
- Steven !

- What are you doing ?
- Trying to save you !

Well, cut it out !
I'm trying to save you !

- [ Tire Blows ]
- [ Yelping ]

If I don't kill you first.

Tractor !

- [ Bob ]
Watch it !
- [ Yells ]

[ Both Yelling ]

[ Bob ]
Go ! Go ! Go !

[ Both Gasping, Grunting ]

- [ Shrieks ]
- [ Bob ]
Beautiful. Cops everywhere.

- Pull in there !
- [ Joe ]
Oh, no. Not the pageant.

[ Audience Applauding ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Joe ]
Oh !
[ Harry Grunts ]

- So there !
- Hey, the light is green !

Oh ! Hey ! Ha !

[ Joe ]
Ow.
[ Harry Grunting ]

Adios, amigo !

You all right ?
He hurt you ?

[ Gasping ]

[ People Screaming ]

- [ Officer ]
Move, move, move !
- Hold your fire.

Hold your fire !
Hold your fire !
That's real nice.

-What we got here is an
old-fashioned Mexican standoff.
-[ Yelling ]

[ Screaming, Grunting ]

- Don't you ever
talk to me like that.
- [ Grunts ]

Sic him !

[ Grunting ]

You guys are good.
You're fast.

I don't know what I run a 40.
Phew. In those shoes--

[ Muttering ]
You guys are really good.

- [ Yelling ]
- [ Bob Grunting ]

- That was for my girls !
- Hog-tie that convict prick !

[ Man ]
What was that all about ?

[ Grunts ]

Escaped bank-robbing convict,
and I'm dancin' with him.

You know what they call that
in my line of work ?
Retirement.

Chappy, uh,
I never meant--

Yeah, but you did.

That's what
life's for, right ?

Finding out ?

[ Groaning ]

Okay.

Sheriff Dent ?

I just want
to shake your hand.

I wish there were more men
like you in law enforcement.

You're one big-dicked cop.

Thank you.

Oh, my God ! David.

Miss Schaefer,
don't you worry about a thing.

[ Panting ]
Okay. I love you.

[ Girls Crying ]
[ Crying ]
I love you too, David.

Maddy ! Maddy, I'm sorry.
I'm not going to be able...

to hear your whole song,
all right ?

I think you're a great kid !
I like you a lot !

Maddy !

Maddy ! Remember
to keep the beat !

And at the beginning,
start soft. Start soft.

** [ Humming "Oh So Quiet" ]

** [ Continues Humming ]

** [ Humming Softly ]

** [ Stops Humming ]

** [ Loudspeaker: "Oh So Quiet"
Instrumental ]

* Shh

* Shh

* It's oh so quiet

* It's oh so still

* You're all alone

Miss Schaefer !
I love you, Miss Schaefer !

Doreen.
You can call me Doreen.

You could call me Wayne.

Look. Look here what
I done for you, sweetheart.

Oh, Wayne.

- Wayne.
- What's wrong, sugar darling ?

Look what I've done.

[ Chuckles ]

I love that woman.

* And so peaceful until

* You ring a bell
Bam, bam *

* Shout, you yell
Hi, ho, ho *

* You broke the spell

* Gee, this is swell
You almost have a fit *

* This guy is gorge
and I got hit *

* There's no mistake
This is it *

* Till it's over
and then *

* It's nice and quiet

* Shh, shh

* But soon again

** [ Continues,
Indistinct ]

You look good.

There are very few things
that I remember about my mother,

but I do remember
her telling me,

"Look out for boys.
They have a way about 'em.

Make you feel like
fine crystal one minute,
an old penny the next."

I didn't come down here for you.
I came for me.

I just want to know.
All that time we were together,
all those things you said.

Were they just so
you could get into my bank ?

Joe, Joe. Please, Joe, wait.
Joe, I've been a screwup
my whole life,

and I never
thought twice about it,
even in prison, not until you.

You make me think about it.
Don't make me come after you.

They'll shoot me.

My life up till now
has been very fuzzy.

Now the difference
between what is truth
and what is not truth...

has been a problem for me.

Joe, there is nothing...

fuzzy about
what I feel for you.

You know, you spoke better
when you were gay.

I want you to know,
if you think it'll help,
I'm willing to try that.

Please don't.

Will you forgive me ?

Not right now, no,
but I've got three to five
to think about it, don't I ?

Good behavior,
out in 22 months.

- You think you're capable
of good behavior ?
- If you give me the chance,

I could be very, very good.

Perfect.

* You blow a fuse
Zing, boom *

* The devil cuts loose
Zing, boom *

* So what's the use
Wow, bam *

* Of falling in love

* The sky caves in
The devil cuts loose *

* You blow, blow, blow, blow

* Blow your fuse
[ All Scream ]

* When you're falling in love

* Shh *

[ Woman ]
* Cute butt, sexy eyes

* Tall and dark
I know what I like *

* Heart of gold
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Steven ] Yes, yes. I'm here.

[ Whimpering ] I want to report
a stolen recreational vehicle.

Very expensive. Brand-new.
Very expensive.
And I'm very upset.

It's brand-new. It is
brand-new, and I'm very upset.

Yes, I will. I will.

Okay, he is transferring
me to a detective.
Oh, Christ.

I wish you would stop talkin'
and yappin' away when I'm tryin'
to do this, okay ?

If you want to do it,
you can do it.
I should have done it.

Well, then, don't sit and talk
about should've and would've.
I can cry on cue, Steven.

Well, I am tryin' to cry
and make it believable to him.
I'm doin' the best I can.

* One-hundred person lovin'

* Baby, it's all or nothin'

* Half a man ain't enough

* A girl needs
a full-time love *

* I've been around
I'll tell you what *

* Half a man
ain't good enough *

* I know what I want

* Oh, no ifs, ands or buts

* Half a man ain't enough *

** [ Tempo Change ]

** [ Woman Scatting ]

* Here we are on different sides
of the fence *

* These angry words
just don't make any sense *

* Does it really matter
who's right or wrong *

* I'd rather hold you
than argue *

* All night long

* I'm gonna
walk out that door *

* Walk right back in

* Straight to your arms

* And start all over again

* 'Cause you and I know

* That our love's
bigger than this *

* Let's talk about it
after a kiss *

* It doesn't take much
to turn this around *

* If we both
know our hearts *

* Are in it

* Oh, baby

* Your touch
has never let me down *

* Now, wait right here

* Just a minute

* I'm gonna
walk out that door *

* I'm gonna
walk right back in *

* Straight to your arms

* And start all over again

* 'Cause you and I know

* That our love's
bigger than this *

* Let's talk about it
after a kiss *

[ Chorus ]
* Talk about it
after a kiss *

* Let's talk about it

* Let's talk about it

* After a kiss

* Oh, baby, yeah

* Uh-huh

* La, la, la
la, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la
la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la
la, la, la, la, la, la **