All language subtitles for Dicks.The.Musical.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese Download
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,180 [SOMBER CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,120 MALE NARRATOR: New York City. 3 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,290 Population: 100. 4 00:00:52,490 --> 00:00:57,860 A land full of CEOs, VIPs and STIs. 5 00:00:58,060 --> 00:00:59,170 And with that many people, 6 00:00:59,370 --> 00:01:02,870 there's bound to be a few great stories. 7 00:01:03,070 --> 00:01:04,220 Like this one. 8 00:01:04,420 --> 00:01:08,050 Our story begins like all great stories, 9 00:01:08,250 --> 00:01:10,530 with two straight men. 10 00:01:10,730 --> 00:01:13,570 MAN: Oh, fuck, I am good. 11 00:01:13,770 --> 00:01:16,660 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [GRUNTS] 12 00:01:16,860 --> 00:01:18,710 MALE NARRATOR: This is Craig Tiddle. 13 00:01:18,910 --> 00:01:21,670 [MAN WHOOPING WILDLY] 14 00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:25,060 [MOANING] 15 00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:27,330 MALE NARRATOR: And this is Trevor Brock. 16 00:01:27,530 --> 00:01:30,500 They're twins. Identical twins. 17 00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,170 Fuck you! They are. 18 00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:34,900 And how do I know all of this? 19 00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,210 Because I'm God. 20 00:01:37,410 --> 00:01:39,030 That's right. God. 21 00:01:39,230 --> 00:01:42,390 He/him. The greatest storyteller of all time. 22 00:01:42,590 --> 00:01:44,080 Check the sales of my book. 23 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,430 Number-one bestseller in the world. 24 00:01:46,630 --> 00:01:49,610 They're highly successful alpha males. 25 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,570 Virile. Strong. 26 00:01:51,770 --> 00:01:54,580 And oh-so-very manly. 27 00:01:59,890 --> 00:02:01,240 [SQUEAKING] 28 00:02:06,070 --> 00:02:07,770 Fuck yeah. 29 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,780 GOD: Wow, those twins really have it all. 30 00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,520 - [SLURPING] - [SNORTING] 31 00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:15,110 [SLURPING] 32 00:02:15,310 --> 00:02:17,000 Oh! Good morning! 33 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,570 GOD: Or do they? 34 00:02:20,570 --> 00:02:23,210 Craig and Trevor don't know they're twins. 35 00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:26,780 They were separated at birth and have never met. 36 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,300 But that all changes today. 37 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,450 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 38 00:02:38,370 --> 00:02:39,920 [SHATTERS] 39 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,790 Oh, Craig, I think you dropped your mug. 40 00:02:41,990 --> 00:02:43,790 Keep it, old lady. I got a lot of mugs. 41 00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:45,100 I got a lot of everything. 42 00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:47,100 Wow, your life seems perfect. 43 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,120 Trust me, my smelly friend, it is. 44 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,280 I got a mansion in the Hamptons 45 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,500 I got a bungalow upstate 46 00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:58,160 I got a penthouse just for fucking 47 00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,850 And another where I masturbate 48 00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:00,990 Pow 49 00:03:01,190 --> 00:03:03,160 The money just keeps rolling in 50 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,600 The good times never stop 51 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,640 There's never been a man like me 52 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,310 And I'll always be on top 53 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,170 Package for Trevor Brock. 54 00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:14,480 Fuck this tiny thing. 55 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,710 I already got the biggest package in town. 56 00:03:17,190 --> 00:03:19,350 My cock is fucking massive 57 00:03:19,550 --> 00:03:21,790 It always leaves the ladies sore 58 00:03:21,990 --> 00:03:24,180 Seven inches long Curves to the left 59 00:03:24,380 --> 00:03:26,270 Then it goes ten inches more 60 00:03:26,470 --> 00:03:27,840 - Ooh! - I got girls and cash 61 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:29,190 Cars and booze 62 00:03:29,390 --> 00:03:31,320 I'm the cream of the fucking crop 63 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,580 There's never been a man like me 64 00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:36,190 And I'll always be on top 65 00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:38,200 [MUSIC CONTINUES] 66 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,600 Thanks, doll. 67 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,340 Mm-mm. 68 00:03:42,170 --> 00:03:44,200 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 69 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,520 Oop. 70 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:48,740 You have a good day. 71 00:03:49,570 --> 00:03:50,740 Huh? 72 00:03:56,310 --> 00:03:57,580 Whoa. 73 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,150 [WHISTLES] 74 00:04:05,150 --> 00:04:07,060 [MOANING] 75 00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:11,500 - You're welcome. - You're welcome. 76 00:04:18,030 --> 00:04:20,110 - BOTH: I'm the best - [ALL CHEER] 77 00:04:20,310 --> 00:04:22,410 So fucking blessed 78 00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:25,290 Sexy, smart It's just not fair 79 00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:28,030 I slay pussy everywhere 80 00:04:28,230 --> 00:04:29,470 I get what I want 81 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,730 And what I got I flaunt 82 00:04:31,930 --> 00:04:35,250 And though some people find it strange 83 00:04:35,450 --> 00:04:36,730 [SHOES SQUEAKING] 84 00:04:36,930 --> 00:04:40,430 No one's gonna make me change 85 00:04:40,630 --> 00:04:42,620 - [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 86 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,790 BOTH: Oh, my God. 87 00:04:52,990 --> 00:04:54,050 Sorry, you just... [CHUCKLES] 88 00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:55,230 You really look like me. 89 00:04:55,430 --> 00:04:57,360 I think you mean that you look like me. 90 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,230 - Craig Tiddle. - Trevor Brock. 91 00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:00,410 - Whoa. - Whoa. [CHUCKLES] 92 00:05:00,610 --> 00:05:01,980 I think I got some lube on you. 93 00:05:02,180 --> 00:05:03,860 Hey, no worries. I'll save that for later. 94 00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:05,850 Say, where do you work? 95 00:05:06,050 --> 00:05:08,810 GVPI. It's my first day at the new corporate headquarters. 96 00:05:09,010 --> 00:05:10,290 Hot damn! Me, too. 97 00:05:10,490 --> 00:05:12,030 You must be from the downtown office? 98 00:05:12,230 --> 00:05:14,160 That I am. Take it you're from the uptown branch? 99 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,640 - My reputation precedes me. - Nope. Never heard of you. 100 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,560 Actually, I'm the one who's never heard of you, so... 101 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:19,730 Well, you should've heard of me, 102 00:05:19,930 --> 00:05:21,170 because I'm the number-one salesman 103 00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:22,390 this company's got. 104 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,780 Hate to break it to you, buddy, 105 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:25,610 but last time I checked, I was number one. 106 00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:27,170 Craig Tiddle's always on top. 107 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:29,700 You might be on top of a sex offenders registry, 108 00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:32,090 but I've always been the best salesman. 109 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:34,490 Fuck you, pal. I've had a record month. 110 00:05:34,690 --> 00:05:36,620 While you were in bed milking your morning wood, 111 00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:39,060 I've been pounding the pavement making sales. 112 00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:40,360 If you think I can't make sales 113 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:41,620 and jerk off at the same time, 114 00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:43,280 you got another thing coming because... 115 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,540 I always get the things I want 116 00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:47,720 There's no way I can flop 117 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,460 There's never been a man like me 118 00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:52,550 And I'll always be I'll always be 119 00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,380 I'll always be on top 120 00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:55,590 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 121 00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,380 [JINGLE PLAYS] Global Vroomba Parts 122 00:05:57,580 --> 00:05:59,030 No, we don't sell Vroombas 123 00:05:59,230 --> 00:06:00,640 Just the parts Like the gears 124 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,300 And the wheels and those teeny tiny brushes 125 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:04,650 Listen to me, you piece of shit. 126 00:06:04,850 --> 00:06:06,040 The sooner you make me money, 127 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,130 the sooner you can afford health insurance. 128 00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:11,390 - Health care is a luxury. - [GRUNTING] 129 00:06:11,590 --> 00:06:13,500 [CRASHING] 130 00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:18,010 This is... gorgeous. 131 00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:20,320 Beautiful. A beautiful space. 132 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:21,880 Craig Tiddle, Trevor Brock. 133 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,360 My two top salesmen. 134 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,490 Oh, um, actually, I'm Trevor. 135 00:06:25,690 --> 00:06:26,890 Yeah, and I'm Craig. 136 00:06:27,090 --> 00:06:28,760 Oh, okay, well... 137 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,060 You two motherfuckers look like y'all could be twins. 138 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,720 - Mm, I don't see it. - CRAIG: I think we actually 139 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:33,980 - look very dissimilar. - Yeah. 140 00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:35,160 I guess it's just, uh, uh, 141 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:36,900 some shit that I really don't care about. 142 00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,200 I'm your new boss, Gloria Masters. 143 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,340 Wow, a-a lady boss. 144 00:06:41,540 --> 00:06:44,210 I guess it really is the year that it is. 145 00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:45,860 - I'm crazy about that. - Yes, the year of the pussy. 146 00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:47,910 Exactly. So, boss, we were wondering, 147 00:06:48,110 --> 00:06:49,560 which one of us is top salesman 148 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:51,040 and which one is a dumb little baby? 149 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:52,610 Well, I'm glad you asked. 150 00:06:52,810 --> 00:06:55,310 As you can see right here, I have installed a leaderboard 151 00:06:55,510 --> 00:06:56,660 that tracks y'all's sales. 152 00:06:56,860 --> 00:06:58,310 - Plug 'er in, fellas. - [BEEPING] 153 00:06:58,510 --> 00:07:02,530 [VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS] 154 00:07:02,730 --> 00:07:03,890 [EMPLOYEES GASPING] 155 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,010 - Yes! Yes! - Oh, no. 156 00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:08,450 Trevor Brock, my prize pig. 157 00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:10,410 But the rest of you motherfuckers? 158 00:07:10,610 --> 00:07:11,640 Get to work. 159 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,410 Hey, tough titty, Tiddle. 160 00:07:14,610 --> 00:07:17,420 Hey, but chin up, maybe you could be my assistant. 161 00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:20,070 [WHISPERING] All my assistants suck my dick. 162 00:07:20,270 --> 00:07:21,720 - [GASPS] - [LAUGHTER] 163 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,990 [VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS] 164 00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:26,560 What in God's green hell? 165 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,210 [BANGS TABLE] Mark me down for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears 166 00:07:29,410 --> 00:07:31,170 and 3,000 of those teeny tiny brushes. 167 00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:32,430 That's a big sale. 168 00:07:32,630 --> 00:07:33,780 Let this be a lesson to you. 169 00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:36,000 Use people, like pawns on a checkerboard. 170 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,310 [VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS] 171 00:07:38,510 --> 00:07:39,440 [LAUGHTER] 172 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,310 - Son of a fucking bitch. - [GASPING] 173 00:07:41,510 --> 00:07:43,700 That's right. Back where I belong. 174 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:46,310 CRAIG: For now. I'll admit, you're good. 175 00:07:46,510 --> 00:07:47,710 It's gonna be fun to crush you. 176 00:07:47,910 --> 00:07:49,010 Right back at you. 177 00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:50,490 - May the best man... - Win. 178 00:07:50,690 --> 00:07:52,580 Win. I was gonna say that. 179 00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:55,240 Craig Tiddle's fucking awesome 180 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,720 Trevor Brock is off the charts 181 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,070 They talk a lot about their dicks 182 00:08:00,270 --> 00:08:02,460 And they sell fucking Vroomba parts 183 00:08:02,660 --> 00:08:04,590 You won't ever take me down 184 00:08:04,790 --> 00:08:06,560 I'll work until I drop 185 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,470 There's never been a man like me 186 00:08:09,670 --> 00:08:11,960 And I'll always be on top 187 00:08:13,050 --> 00:08:15,520 15,000 gears 188 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:16,820 - Money, money, money - Craig Tiddle 189 00:08:17,020 --> 00:08:18,260 - Money, money, money - Number one 190 00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:19,700 20,000 wheels 191 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,000 - Money, money, money - Trevor Brock 192 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,440 - Money, money, money - Is getting it done 193 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:23,610 30,000 gears 194 00:08:23,810 --> 00:08:25,000 Craig Tiddle You're the best 195 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,050 40,000 wheels 196 00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:27,760 Trevor Brock Sign my chest 197 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,750 I love fucking money! 198 00:08:31,950 --> 00:08:33,450 Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? 199 00:08:33,650 --> 00:08:34,670 Who's it gonna be? 200 00:08:34,870 --> 00:08:37,500 Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? 201 00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,600 [VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS] 202 00:08:41,770 --> 00:08:44,380 BOTH: 100,000 teeny tiny brushes! 203 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:46,780 Look around 204 00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:49,000 It's plain to see 205 00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:53,740 There's never been a man like me 206 00:08:55,610 --> 00:09:00,040 'Cause I'm the fucking 207 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:05,320 Top... 208 00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:07,490 [PANTING] 209 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,850 - [HORNS HONKING] - [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 210 00:09:12,110 --> 00:09:13,180 Whew. 211 00:09:13,380 --> 00:09:14,530 Still at it, shrimp? 212 00:09:14,730 --> 00:09:15,970 Work hard, stay hard. 213 00:09:16,170 --> 00:09:17,540 Never been tied for first before. 214 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,450 I'm used to being the total top. 215 00:09:19,650 --> 00:09:21,370 Oh, yeah, I'm gunning for your ass, little boy. 216 00:09:21,570 --> 00:09:23,150 - [SCOFFS] - That's why I'm here late. 217 00:09:23,350 --> 00:09:24,720 - Grinding. - Same. 218 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,410 Definitely not because I have nowhere to go 219 00:09:26,610 --> 00:09:28,290 and no one to see. 220 00:09:28,490 --> 00:09:30,070 Oh, I got a vast network of meaningful relationships, 221 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,770 for sure, but no time for those now. 222 00:09:31,970 --> 00:09:34,390 I got to put in the hours so I can stay ahead of you, Craig. 223 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,250 - Trevor. - Huh? 224 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:39,040 You just called me Craig. You're Craig. I'm Trevor. 225 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,780 [LAUGHING] God, you're such an idiot, Trevor. 226 00:09:41,980 --> 00:09:43,130 No, I'm Craig. 227 00:09:43,330 --> 00:09:45,300 - You're Trevor, Trevor. - Damn it, we look alike. 228 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,130 We do not. You have long hair like a girl. 229 00:09:47,330 --> 00:09:48,570 You have short hair like a lesbian girl. 230 00:09:48,770 --> 00:09:50,440 This haircut is classic Trevor. 231 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,140 Fuck. Classic Cr... Fuck you! 232 00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:53,480 No, fuck you. 233 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,490 - You don't get me. - You don't get me, either. 234 00:09:55,690 --> 00:09:56,750 No one does. 235 00:09:56,950 --> 00:09:59,370 [MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING] 236 00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:09,150 I'm in this struggle all alone 237 00:10:09,350 --> 00:10:12,170 I don't know what to do 238 00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:16,350 I wish there was someone who knew 239 00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:19,650 What I am going through 240 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,600 This feeling that I'm feeling 241 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,180 It feels so very bad 242 00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:30,610 It's almost like my life's a lie 243 00:10:30,810 --> 00:10:35,190 And actually I'm sad 244 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:40,720 No one understands what I've been through 245 00:10:42,330 --> 00:10:46,580 No one knows what it's like to be 246 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,600 A man with my specific life 247 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,940 Saying these specific words 248 00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:56,980 The only one who understands 249 00:10:57,180 --> 00:11:00,070 Is me 250 00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:02,250 Say, is this your family? 251 00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:05,340 [LAUGHS] What? No. But I definitely have a real family. 252 00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:07,380 And they're rich and smart and kind and real. 253 00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:09,730 Oh, me, too. I got a birth mommy and a birth daddy, 254 00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:11,750 same as everybody else. 255 00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:15,170 Growing up with just a mom 256 00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:18,100 It left a gaping hole 257 00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:21,530 My single dad He did his best 258 00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:24,840 But life She took her toll 259 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,880 With Pops I could have fished for fish 260 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,800 My fastball we'd perfect 261 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,240 With Mom I could have learned to bake 262 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,730 Or show women respect 263 00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:44,350 No one understands what I've been through 264 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,860 No one knows what it's like to be 265 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:53,170 A man with my specific life 266 00:11:53,370 --> 00:11:56,350 Saying these specific words 267 00:11:56,550 --> 00:12:00,260 The only one who understands 268 00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:02,150 Is me 269 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:06,310 If you think I've had it easy 270 00:12:06,510 --> 00:12:08,970 Then you're wrong 271 00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:12,410 The road's been fucking hard 272 00:12:12,610 --> 00:12:15,370 - And fucking long - [CRASHING] 273 00:12:15,570 --> 00:12:18,320 Everything I ever got 274 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,550 I got all on my own 275 00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:24,460 I rose up from the ashes 276 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:28,740 Of my single-parent home 277 00:12:29,310 --> 00:12:32,340 'Cause I've always been a fighter 278 00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:35,520 Since the day that I was born 279 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:41,780 On January 3rd, 1986 280 00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:47,570 - At 5:08 a.m. - At 5:07 a.m. 281 00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:49,270 Wait, what the fuck, dude? 282 00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:52,840 Yeah, there are a lot of similarities happening here. 283 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,360 - What is that? - This? 284 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:56,010 Oh, the only thing I have 285 00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,580 from the dad I never knew is... 286 00:12:57,780 --> 00:12:59,630 BOTH: Half of a locket. 287 00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:01,720 This is the only thing I have from my mom. 288 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,200 I've never understood mine. It just says "our bo." 289 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,240 I think it must be an ancient Indigenous saying. 290 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:07,810 Mine only says "toys." 291 00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:10,220 Huh. But what if...? 292 00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:12,340 [BOTH GASPING] 293 00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:14,600 BOTH: "Our two boys." 294 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,510 Oh, my God. Does this mean... 295 00:13:16,710 --> 00:13:17,990 Hold on, sorry, you thought that said "toys"? 296 00:13:18,190 --> 00:13:20,300 Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys. 297 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,780 No, there's not a "W" in toys. 298 00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:22,910 Damn it all to fuck, Craig! 299 00:13:23,110 --> 00:13:24,480 Who cares about letters right now? 300 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,780 You only have a dad. I only have a mom. 301 00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,090 We were born on the same day, almost down to the minute. 302 00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:30,400 We must be brothers. 303 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,700 Not just brothers, Trevor. 304 00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:32,790 Twins. 305 00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:34,750 BOTH: Wow, we're twins. 306 00:13:34,950 --> 00:13:36,240 We're fucking identical twins. 307 00:13:37,590 --> 00:13:42,510 No one understands what I've been through 308 00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:47,810 No one knows what it's like to be 309 00:13:48,010 --> 00:13:50,070 A man who thought he was alone 310 00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:51,980 But then found out he had a twin 311 00:13:52,180 --> 00:13:54,830 Who works at the same fucking job 312 00:13:55,830 --> 00:14:00,640 What a big coincidence 313 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:07,450 The only one who understands 314 00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:14,320 Is we 315 00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:20,760 Is we 316 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:27,550 Is we 317 00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,680 [QUIET CHATTER] 318 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,160 Gears. Wheels. 319 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:36,900 Teeny tiny brush... Wow. 320 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:41,290 L, M, N, O... 321 00:14:41,490 --> 00:14:42,700 P. 322 00:14:49,490 --> 00:14:51,140 - Hey. - Hey. 323 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,090 This is crazy, right? 324 00:14:54,290 --> 00:14:55,920 - Totally crazy. I mean... - [GLASS SHATTERS] 325 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,010 What are the odds of working with your long-lost twin? 326 00:14:58,210 --> 00:15:00,270 I don't know, one in four, three in four? 327 00:15:00,470 --> 00:15:02,970 - It's crazy. - Crazy. But wait. 328 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,140 I can't believe Mom and Dad split us up. 329 00:15:05,340 --> 00:15:06,750 Like, is that abuse? 330 00:15:06,950 --> 00:15:08,190 Did they abuse us? 331 00:15:08,390 --> 00:15:10,240 We definitely experienced abuse-ment. 332 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,370 - Oh, my God. - I mean, don't get me wrong. 333 00:15:12,570 --> 00:15:13,670 My life is awesome. 334 00:15:13,870 --> 00:15:15,810 No, no, no, no, m-m-mine is awesome, too. 335 00:15:16,010 --> 00:15:17,720 - I have an amazing job. - Amazing job. 336 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:18,940 I'm always dating some big-tit lady. 337 00:15:19,140 --> 00:15:20,420 Stunning big-tit ladies. 338 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,120 I always get the things I want. 339 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,510 Except for a real family. 340 00:15:23,710 --> 00:15:25,290 Single-parent homes are not real families. 341 00:15:25,490 --> 00:15:26,820 That's true. 342 00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:28,440 BOTH: Hmm. 343 00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:31,780 What do we do? 344 00:15:31,980 --> 00:15:34,300 You know, if Mom and Dad got married again, 345 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,520 then we'd have a real family. 346 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:37,930 What if... 347 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,790 What if we tricked them into getting back together? 348 00:15:41,990 --> 00:15:43,700 Keep talking until I understand. 349 00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:45,440 We trick Mom and Dad into thinking 350 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:46,750 they need to get married again. 351 00:15:46,950 --> 00:15:48,230 Oh, my God, yes. 352 00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:50,010 I'll go talk to Dad now and trick him 353 00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,890 into getting back together with Mom. 354 00:15:52,090 --> 00:15:53,760 Well, uh, no offense, 355 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,280 - but you'd probably fuck it up. -Oh. 356 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:56,800 I should be the one to trick Dad. 357 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,070 But you've never met him. 358 00:15:58,270 --> 00:15:59,680 Baby, I'm the number-one salesman. 359 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:00,940 I could trick anybody. 360 00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:03,330 Okay, hold up, I'm the number-one salesman. 361 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:04,720 If anybody's gonna trick a parent 362 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,250 they've never met, it's gonna be me. 363 00:16:06,450 --> 00:16:08,340 While you're tricking Dad, I'll trick Mom. 364 00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:09,950 And I'll do it better. 365 00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:11,640 All right, then. It's settled. 366 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,730 We're switching places to trick the parent we never knew 367 00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:14,910 into getting married again. 368 00:16:15,110 --> 00:16:16,390 - Fine. Fine. - Fine. 369 00:16:16,590 --> 00:16:18,260 Which means we're going to need... 370 00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:20,220 BOTH: Disguises! 371 00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:22,440 Wow, you look so good, King. 372 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:23,960 You, too, King. 373 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,010 I mean, obviously, I would've preferred a lace front, 374 00:16:26,210 --> 00:16:28,660 but sometimes a shake and go can get the job done. 375 00:16:28,860 --> 00:16:30,320 - Right. - So, what's Mom like? 376 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:31,620 At the very least, I hope she fulfills 377 00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:33,450 every single expectation I have of her. 378 00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:35,320 - That's reasonable. - Just, like, an awesome, 379 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,240 conventional, elegant mommy. 380 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,320 God, if she's, like, a kooky old eccentric lady, 381 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,300 I don't know what the fuck I'll do. 382 00:16:41,730 --> 00:16:44,720 Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's change the subject entirely. 383 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,550 - Huh? - Tell me about Dad. 384 00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:47,680 Oh, our dad? 385 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,120 - Yeah, our dad. - Um... 386 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:50,950 Is he a big, strong macho guy like me? 387 00:16:51,150 --> 00:16:52,860 I hope he's a big macho guy like me! 388 00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:54,770 Yeah, listen, I would obviously love to talk about that, 389 00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:56,990 but look, oh, God, it's Mom's house. So I got to go right now. 390 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,520 - Oh, God! - [HORNS HONKING] 391 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,100 - [THUDDING, CRASHING] - Okay, bye-bye. 392 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:03,100 Drive, you piece of shit! 393 00:17:04,060 --> 00:17:05,790 [SIGHS] Okay, Craig, you got this. 394 00:17:05,990 --> 00:17:08,010 Shit! Fuck! Damn! No! 395 00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:09,880 You're Trevor now, all right? 396 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,360 And Trevor is gonna knock on the door. 397 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:13,550 [INHALES DEEPLY] 398 00:17:16,940 --> 00:17:19,030 [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] 399 00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,170 Hello? 400 00:17:26,820 --> 00:17:28,160 Mom? 401 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,330 - [WHIRRING] - Why, Trevor, 402 00:17:30,530 --> 00:17:32,740 what a nice surprise. 403 00:17:33,830 --> 00:17:34,900 Mom! 404 00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:36,730 That's right, it's me. 405 00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:38,510 - Good old Mom. - Right. 406 00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:41,040 And I'm... Trevor. 407 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,650 - Yes, you are. - So... 408 00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:45,870 Mom, you're in a wheelchair now? 409 00:17:46,070 --> 00:17:49,830 Well, Trevor, I've been in this wheelchair since January. 410 00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:52,790 Yes, and I haven't been here since then, so... 411 00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:55,310 January of 1979. 412 00:17:55,510 --> 00:17:57,050 Cool, so I do know this. 413 00:17:57,250 --> 00:18:00,410 Darling, what's the matter? You're not acting yourself. 414 00:18:00,610 --> 00:18:02,320 And what's with that hair? 415 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,150 I don't remember it being this fake and shitty looking. 416 00:18:06,350 --> 00:18:07,980 It's a wig. Dah! 417 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:11,680 I mean, um, I'm growing it out for a wig. 418 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,420 Yeah, Locks for Love. 419 00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:15,120 - Oh. - I'm gonna give some bald, 420 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,640 barren women a second chance. 421 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,560 Well, I was just about to have some tea. 422 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,350 Won't you join me? 423 00:18:21,830 --> 00:18:23,700 Mom, it's really good to see you. 424 00:18:24,090 --> 00:18:25,300 Really actually good. 425 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:28,300 Well, it is really good to see you, too, dear, 426 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:31,350 always, my darling boy. 427 00:18:31,550 --> 00:18:33,760 My only darling boy. 428 00:18:34,410 --> 00:18:36,090 The only boy I ever had. 429 00:18:36,290 --> 00:18:37,490 - Sure, yeah. - Yes. 430 00:18:37,690 --> 00:18:39,360 The only boy that ever came 431 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,620 rocketing out of my vagina. 432 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:42,800 Okay. 433 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,580 I would've probably had another one 434 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:46,230 just like you, but I didn't. 435 00:18:46,430 --> 00:18:48,320 - The more you... - I had a vasectomy. 436 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,930 One second after you was born, 437 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,280 - Wow. - I had a vasectomy. 438 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,470 They snipped it. [HUMMING] 439 00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:57,130 So, Mom... 440 00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,600 It's been a minute, what have you been up to? 441 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,340 [LAUGHING] Oh, my gosh, Trevor! 442 00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:04,430 Well, you know me. 443 00:19:04,630 --> 00:19:05,690 I do. 444 00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:07,430 And all the things I get up to. 445 00:19:07,630 --> 00:19:09,950 Any specifics about it, though, would be appreciated. 446 00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,040 Tell me it as if I didn't know, 447 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,350 - even though of course I do. - Ah, this morning, 448 00:19:14,550 --> 00:19:18,140 Patricia and I watched a film from the Criterion Collection. 449 00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:20,960 - You know Patricia, of course. - If you say so. 450 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,790 - [CHUCKLING] - Mom, you seem so cultured. 451 00:19:23,990 --> 00:19:26,490 Well, I'm glad you're finally recognizing that. 452 00:19:26,690 --> 00:19:30,280 Yeah, me, too, it's time that someone fina... 453 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,890 Uh, that's sand. 454 00:19:33,090 --> 00:19:34,980 Oh, my God. 455 00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:38,160 I switched the tea and the sand again. 456 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,500 - Again? - [LAUGHING] 457 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,740 I'm going fast. 458 00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:44,420 I make my own sand, you know. 459 00:19:44,620 --> 00:19:45,900 - Do you? - Yes, I do. 460 00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:47,160 Out of what? 461 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:48,730 Out of sand. 462 00:19:48,930 --> 00:19:50,390 - [LAUGHING] - Here you go, darling. 463 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:51,650 - Thank you. - Oh, my gosh, 464 00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:53,340 wait a minute, not so fast. 465 00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:54,910 That'll be your reward. 466 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,430 Before you go, I need you to grab 467 00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,480 something down for me, please? 468 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,260 - Yeah, fucking sure. Um... - Yes, yes. 469 00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:01,920 It's that one right there. 470 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,830 - This one? - Nope, that one. 471 00:20:04,030 --> 00:20:05,800 - So this one? - No, that one. 472 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:08,750 - Okay, then this one? - No, darling, that one. 473 00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:09,970 - Here? - Darling? 474 00:20:10,170 --> 00:20:11,450 Let's calm down, look at me. 475 00:20:11,650 --> 00:20:13,230 - Do you see my finger? - I do. 476 00:20:13,430 --> 00:20:15,060 - This is called pointing. - Yeah. 477 00:20:15,260 --> 00:20:17,240 If you draw a little dotted line 478 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,500 from the tip of my finger and you go poop, boop, boop. 479 00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,460 Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop right to here. 480 00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:22,900 - This is the one? - No! 481 00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,070 - Here? - Let me, okay, let me... 482 00:20:24,270 --> 00:20:25,200 I need to calm down. 483 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,600 Could you describe it? 484 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,160 Darling, I'm not going to spoil you. 485 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,080 How about a single adjective of-of any of these? 486 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,560 Not over there. Look, this is like this. 487 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,170 - Here again. - Not that one. 488 00:20:35,370 --> 00:20:36,390 - Is it this one? - Yeah! 489 00:20:36,590 --> 00:20:38,260 Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it. 490 00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:40,230 I could think of words you could've used. 491 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,220 Ooh, well, that was quite an ordeal. 492 00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:45,000 - Yeah, I'll say. - Oh, my God. 493 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,660 No, no, no, no, please. 494 00:20:46,860 --> 00:20:48,570 That's Jerome. He's easily aroused. 495 00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:50,360 Don't get him anywhere near me. 496 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:51,580 You have sex with this? 497 00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:53,190 Darling, of course. 498 00:20:53,390 --> 00:20:55,410 Look at him, how could I possibly resist? 499 00:20:55,610 --> 00:20:57,500 - He? It's a he? - He's a they. 500 00:20:57,700 --> 00:20:59,850 Oh, God, well, I-- Now that I know that you 501 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:02,980 fuck this little gay boot, I'd love to put it somewhere. 502 00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,550 I think you should put him right down there 503 00:21:04,750 --> 00:21:06,500 next to Patricia, she can handle it. 504 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,720 This is Patricia, who you saw the movie with? 505 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,250 Darling, of course. You know Patricia. 506 00:21:11,450 --> 00:21:13,470 And I would ask you to unhand her! 507 00:21:13,670 --> 00:21:15,120 Okay, Mommy, you know what? 508 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,730 I think maybe you need to get out of the house a little bit. 509 00:21:17,930 --> 00:21:19,910 Darling, why would I leave the house? 510 00:21:20,110 --> 00:21:22,220 I have everything I need right here. 511 00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:23,390 Yeah, sure. 512 00:21:23,590 --> 00:21:26,390 I lead a charmed life, Trevor. 513 00:21:26,590 --> 00:21:28,310 Don't you understand? 514 00:21:28,510 --> 00:21:30,590 [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING] 515 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,970 My life's been quite the wild ride 516 00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:39,190 Intrigue, thrills 517 00:21:39,390 --> 00:21:41,770 Romance 518 00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:46,070 I may have reached my twilight years 519 00:21:46,270 --> 00:21:50,910 But it's all still song and dance 520 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,160 Seasons come 521 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,950 And seasons go 522 00:21:56,150 --> 00:22:00,750 My years keep flying by 523 00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:05,820 And now I sit here in my house 524 00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:08,390 Trevor, I'm an independent woman. 525 00:22:08,590 --> 00:22:12,350 I do what I want when I want with whom I want. 526 00:22:12,550 --> 00:22:14,830 - I am very confused. - I'm afraid 527 00:22:15,030 --> 00:22:16,840 you simply don't understand 528 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,750 what a gas it is when you get to be my age. 529 00:22:20,950 --> 00:22:22,010 I'm 93 530 00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:23,630 No, 94 531 00:22:23,830 --> 00:22:25,190 That can't be right. [GRUNTS] 532 00:22:25,390 --> 00:22:26,720 Just wait, there's more 533 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,590 My back is broke My tits, they sag 534 00:22:29,790 --> 00:22:32,680 I have to pee into a bag 535 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:35,900 I have three toes My eyes are coins 536 00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:38,990 A mouse named Pip lives in my loins 537 00:22:39,190 --> 00:22:41,820 I smell like milk Well, more like cheese 538 00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:45,430 My nipples wink I never sneeze 539 00:22:45,630 --> 00:22:47,910 I cannot remember the year I was born 540 00:22:48,110 --> 00:22:51,040 I sculpt all my friends out of clay 541 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:54,310 I've seen every movie And most of them thrice 542 00:22:54,510 --> 00:22:57,350 For breakfast I only eat hay 543 00:22:57,550 --> 00:22:59,360 Well, this has been fun, but I got to be 544 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,360 anywhere but here. [CRIES OUT] 545 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,360 I keep all my ice cubes inside of my purse 546 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,320 I have a whole room full of geese 547 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,020 I only read backwards I never use spoons 548 00:23:10,220 --> 00:23:12,540 My mother is also my niece 549 00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:15,070 My organs are cotton I cry melted butter 550 00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:17,640 I have no reflection I bathe in asbestos 551 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,720 The world is a riddle I might be the devil 552 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,440 My pussy fell off once in Greece, hey! 553 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,820 Who saw that coming? 554 00:23:26,020 --> 00:23:28,090 - I did. - [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 555 00:23:29,310 --> 00:23:30,440 Craig. 556 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,750 My favorite son. 557 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:34,910 My only son. 558 00:23:35,110 --> 00:23:36,740 - What a surprise. - Yeah. 559 00:23:36,940 --> 00:23:38,310 I thought I'd swing by. 560 00:23:38,510 --> 00:23:40,010 - Oh. - [SIGHS] 561 00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:41,920 - A hug. - [INHALES] 562 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,100 - Well, this is new. - [CHUCKLES] 563 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:46,460 Uh... 564 00:23:47,590 --> 00:23:49,100 Don't forget to let go. 565 00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:50,930 Otherwise, we're just wrasslin'. 566 00:23:51,130 --> 00:23:53,280 [BOTH LAUGH] 567 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:54,860 Wow. 568 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,550 Swanky digs, Dad. 569 00:23:57,750 --> 00:23:59,940 - Oh, hush. - No, I mean it. 570 00:24:00,140 --> 00:24:03,160 This place is so nice and clean and chic and... 571 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,170 God, I wish I'd grown up here. 572 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,900 What are talking about, Craig? You did grow up here. 573 00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:11,210 And I wish I could grow up here again. 574 00:24:11,410 --> 00:24:13,430 - Shame how time works. - Yeah. 575 00:24:13,630 --> 00:24:15,560 It really sucks. Care for a mimosa? 576 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:17,430 Oh. [CHUCKLES] 577 00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:19,960 Don't judge, but I've already had one... 578 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,130 pitcher. 579 00:24:21,330 --> 00:24:23,050 - [BOTH LAUGH] - Come on. 580 00:24:23,250 --> 00:24:24,570 Just kidding. 581 00:24:24,770 --> 00:24:26,400 But I do drink every morning. 582 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:27,810 - Sure. - Cheers. 583 00:24:29,850 --> 00:24:31,060 Mmm. 584 00:24:31,260 --> 00:24:33,580 Craig, I'm glad you're here actually. 585 00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:36,150 Same, Dad. What do you want to do first? 586 00:24:36,350 --> 00:24:39,340 Play catch in the yard? Not talk about our feelings? 587 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,690 Funny you should mention feelings. 588 00:24:45,210 --> 00:24:47,520 - [GULPING] - Uh... 589 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:51,990 [SIGHS] 590 00:24:52,190 --> 00:24:53,080 Wow. 591 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:54,440 Okay. 592 00:24:55,270 --> 00:24:57,400 I've been meaning to tell you for some time. 593 00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:01,270 There's no easy way to say this, but... 594 00:25:01,970 --> 00:25:04,130 - But... - But what? 595 00:25:04,330 --> 00:25:05,500 [SIGHS] 596 00:25:06,670 --> 00:25:07,920 I'm gay. 597 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,400 [GASPS, HESITATES] 598 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,840 Wait, wait, uh, this is something that I, 599 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,060 Craig, didn't know about until just now? 600 00:25:15,260 --> 00:25:16,360 That's correct. 601 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,410 Um, okay, great, then I can freely say, 602 00:25:18,610 --> 00:25:20,950 what the fuck, Dad, you're gay? 603 00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:23,850 Well, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm, 604 00:25:24,050 --> 00:25:26,330 but yes, Craig, I'm gay. 605 00:25:26,530 --> 00:25:28,980 Queer as a three-dollar bill and just as thin. 606 00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:31,030 - Well, let's not go c-- - Shh. Daddy's talking. 607 00:25:31,230 --> 00:25:32,940 - Mm-hmm. - Honestly, 608 00:25:33,140 --> 00:25:35,600 the signs have been there for ages. 609 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,510 I'm only now realizing it. 610 00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:40,820 I am and have always been a normal homosexual man 611 00:25:41,020 --> 00:25:44,480 who does all the normal things normal homosexual men do. 612 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,360 - Like what? - Well, I'll tell you. 613 00:25:48,450 --> 00:25:50,570 I wake up, drink my coffee 614 00:25:50,770 --> 00:25:52,590 Have brunch around 11:00 615 00:25:53,060 --> 00:25:55,100 Walk my bichon frise 616 00:25:55,300 --> 00:25:57,530 Then nap till half past 7:00 617 00:25:57,730 --> 00:25:59,880 A night out at the symphony 618 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,060 Such elegance, what poise 619 00:26:02,260 --> 00:26:04,320 Or maybe I'll just stay at home 620 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:05,980 With my two Sewer Boys 621 00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:07,110 What? 622 00:26:07,310 --> 00:26:10,550 The answer is perfectly clear 623 00:26:10,750 --> 00:26:15,860 It's a gay old life being queer 624 00:26:16,060 --> 00:26:18,510 I'm so sorry, did you say "Sewer Boys"? 625 00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:22,220 Oh, come on, Craig. You know my Sewer Boys. 626 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:26,140 [RASPY GROWLING] 627 00:26:27,230 --> 00:26:28,830 No! 628 00:26:29,030 --> 00:26:32,440 No! No! 629 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:37,230 No! No! No! 630 00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:39,230 HARRIS: Christ on a crutch, Craig. 631 00:26:39,430 --> 00:26:40,880 Are you all right? 632 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,580 You sounded like Maria Callas on a rough matinee. 633 00:26:43,780 --> 00:26:45,410 What the fuck are those things? 634 00:26:45,610 --> 00:26:47,760 My Sewer Boys. 635 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,280 Pale little inbred creatures, 636 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:51,980 live underground. 637 00:26:52,180 --> 00:26:53,760 Only communicate in clicks and whistles. 638 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,110 [CLICKING AND WHISTLING] 639 00:26:56,310 --> 00:26:58,550 I-I'm very confused. 640 00:26:58,750 --> 00:27:00,160 You do seem a bit off, dear. 641 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,690 And what's with your hair? 642 00:27:01,890 --> 00:27:04,250 I don't remember it being this fake or shitty looking. 643 00:27:04,450 --> 00:27:06,300 Oh, God, who cares about wigs right now? 644 00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:07,910 Those things are disgusting. 645 00:27:08,110 --> 00:27:10,350 They're not disgusting, they're gay culture. 646 00:27:10,550 --> 00:27:12,610 Gay culture? Well, they don't seem gay. 647 00:27:12,810 --> 00:27:14,440 They seem dangerous. 648 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,750 Well, I appreciate your concern, but... 649 00:27:17,950 --> 00:27:22,580 There's nothing dangerous about vacationing in Spain 650 00:27:22,780 --> 00:27:24,140 That is until you've thrown 651 00:27:24,340 --> 00:27:26,880 Half of your savings down the drain 652 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,410 But money should be spent on things 653 00:27:29,610 --> 00:27:31,670 Both lovely and refined 654 00:27:31,870 --> 00:27:34,110 The Sewer Boys drink blood for fun 655 00:27:34,310 --> 00:27:35,760 And also read my mind 656 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:39,560 Don't get in a tizzy My dear 657 00:27:40,170 --> 00:27:42,730 It's a gay old life 658 00:27:42,930 --> 00:27:46,250 Being queer 659 00:27:46,450 --> 00:27:48,780 What do you mean, they read your mind? 660 00:27:48,980 --> 00:27:51,040 - [RASPY GROWLING] - Uh-oh, someone's hungry. 661 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:52,610 - [GROANS] - [HARRIS LAUGHING] 662 00:27:52,810 --> 00:27:54,170 Oh, God. 663 00:27:54,370 --> 00:27:55,520 [POPPING] 664 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:56,910 Ah. 665 00:27:57,110 --> 00:27:58,660 They'll do anything for a little deli meat. 666 00:27:58,860 --> 00:28:01,800 TREVOR: No, I hate this. 667 00:28:02,590 --> 00:28:04,230 What are you doing? 668 00:28:04,430 --> 00:28:06,370 [BOTH GRUNTING EXCITEDLY] 669 00:28:10,380 --> 00:28:12,600 - Oh. - All right, it's your turn. 670 00:28:15,770 --> 00:28:17,950 Oh, there's got to be a different way to feed them. 671 00:28:18,510 --> 00:28:19,780 No! 672 00:28:22,430 --> 00:28:23,910 All right, all right. 673 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,380 Hey, let's brainstorm some ideas together, Papa. 674 00:28:30,580 --> 00:28:31,560 Maybe a bowl. 675 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,790 Have you thought about a fucking bowl? 676 00:28:34,230 --> 00:28:36,170 Nope, this is how we've always done it. 677 00:28:36,370 --> 00:28:38,130 Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys, 678 00:28:38,330 --> 00:28:39,610 Backpack and Whisper. 679 00:28:39,810 --> 00:28:40,830 Those are their names? 680 00:28:41,030 --> 00:28:41,920 Watch your talons. 681 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:43,920 - [BELCHES] - Talons. 682 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,750 - Want some ham? - No, I don't want any ham! 683 00:28:46,950 --> 00:28:48,750 I feel like I'm in a fucking nightmare! 684 00:28:48,950 --> 00:28:51,160 Oh, I understand, son. 685 00:28:52,420 --> 00:28:55,590 Coming out can be just as hard on the family. 686 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,930 But it's a journey we'll go on together. 687 00:28:59,130 --> 00:29:01,280 I'm not talking about coming out. 688 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,550 I'm talking about the fucking monsters. 689 00:29:03,750 --> 00:29:04,770 [BOTH SCREECHING] 690 00:29:04,970 --> 00:29:08,680 Oh, shh! Don't say that in front of them. 691 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:09,990 You'll hurt their feelings. 692 00:29:10,190 --> 00:29:12,380 Their feelings? They feel? 693 00:29:12,580 --> 00:29:15,340 What are they? Explain them to me! 694 00:29:15,540 --> 00:29:16,470 [SIGHS] 695 00:29:16,670 --> 00:29:18,400 Well, it's a long story. 696 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:20,610 Very well. 697 00:29:20,810 --> 00:29:22,220 Oh, yeah. Get a hat. 698 00:29:22,420 --> 00:29:23,830 Many decades ago 699 00:29:24,030 --> 00:29:25,520 I was down in the sewer 700 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,790 - Why? - Shh, Daddy's singing. 701 00:29:27,990 --> 00:29:30,700 Rowing my boat through the slime and manure 702 00:29:30,900 --> 00:29:32,530 How did you get a boat into the sewer? 703 00:29:32,730 --> 00:29:34,530 You want to hear the story or not? 704 00:29:34,730 --> 00:29:37,750 Collecting adventures and treasures galore 705 00:29:37,950 --> 00:29:42,630 But I couldn't guess what fate had in store 706 00:29:42,830 --> 00:29:45,070 I rounded a bend and what did I see? 707 00:29:45,270 --> 00:29:48,420 Two creatures so bloody So foul, so carefree 708 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,770 They were taking a bath in the corpse of a swine 709 00:29:51,970 --> 00:29:53,990 And that's when I knew 710 00:29:54,190 --> 00:29:57,830 They had to be mine 711 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,390 I tried to entice them 712 00:30:01,590 --> 00:30:03,820 But they were too quick 713 00:30:04,020 --> 00:30:06,090 Tried to rip out my trachea 714 00:30:06,290 --> 00:30:08,650 - Bite off my dick - [GASPS] 715 00:30:08,850 --> 00:30:10,530 With a club I subdued them 716 00:30:10,730 --> 00:30:14,100 And made to depart 717 00:30:14,300 --> 00:30:16,970 And I stole the two creatures 718 00:30:17,170 --> 00:30:21,200 Who'd stolen my heart 719 00:30:21,590 --> 00:30:22,630 [WHISPERS] Jesus. 720 00:30:22,830 --> 00:30:24,760 [BOTH GROWLING] 721 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:28,760 My boy There's no reason to jeer 722 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:32,770 It's a gay old life 723 00:30:32,970 --> 00:30:34,990 Being 724 00:30:35,190 --> 00:30:39,560 Queer... 725 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:40,820 I bathe in bleach 726 00:30:41,020 --> 00:30:42,470 There's skiing up in Aspen 727 00:30:42,670 --> 00:30:44,300 - I play the horn - And sailing of West Palm 728 00:30:44,500 --> 00:30:45,520 One time I died 729 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:46,950 The snow is fine as powder 730 00:30:47,150 --> 00:30:48,960 - I suck on corn - The waves are always calm 731 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,910 - I poison fruit - But no matter where I am 732 00:30:51,110 --> 00:30:52,570 - I kissed a chair - There is no way 733 00:30:52,770 --> 00:30:54,140 I can resist the urge to climb 734 00:30:54,340 --> 00:30:55,440 - I juggle for exercise - Below the streets 735 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:56,830 - Never use alphabet - And smell 736 00:30:57,030 --> 00:30:58,230 - And a tornado's my friend - That stinky mist 737 00:30:58,430 --> 00:30:59,970 BOTH: The answer is 738 00:31:00,170 --> 00:31:02,360 Perfectly clear 739 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:06,030 It's a gay old life 740 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,020 HARRIS: Being queer 741 00:31:09,220 --> 00:31:14,600 I have no pussy 742 00:31:15,730 --> 00:31:16,820 [MUSIC ENDS] 743 00:31:17,950 --> 00:31:19,860 GOD: Those foolish boys. 744 00:31:20,060 --> 00:31:21,900 What, oh, what will they do? 745 00:31:22,100 --> 00:31:23,920 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 746 00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:30,080 Craig Tiddle's phone, Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah! 747 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:31,740 Why didn't you tell me Dad was a gay man 748 00:31:31,940 --> 00:31:33,570 obsessed with Sewer Boys? 749 00:31:33,770 --> 00:31:35,050 Because I was ashamed. 750 00:31:35,250 --> 00:31:37,090 You don't know what it's like to feed Boar's Head ham 751 00:31:37,290 --> 00:31:39,140 to those slimy little demons your whole life. 752 00:31:39,340 --> 00:31:41,700 Why didn't you tell me Mom's pussy fell off? 753 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:44,050 [GROANS] You weren't there. It was really disturbing. 754 00:31:44,250 --> 00:31:45,750 Well, I'm sure it was, but not knowing really-- 755 00:31:45,950 --> 00:31:48,720 No, Craig. It was awful. 756 00:31:49,250 --> 00:31:51,730 It crawled away like a fucking cockroach. 757 00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:53,410 Mom was screaming at me, 758 00:31:53,610 --> 00:31:56,720 "Kill it! Kill it!" 759 00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,500 I raised my flip-flop to deal the death blow, 760 00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,510 and it stared me straight in the eyes. 761 00:32:01,710 --> 00:32:03,170 It had eyes now. 762 00:32:03,830 --> 00:32:06,640 "Dream of this," the pussy said to me. 763 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:08,440 "Dream of this every night." 764 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:10,790 And I do, Craig. 765 00:32:11,570 --> 00:32:12,660 I do. 766 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:15,090 Well, our parents are fucking freaks, 767 00:32:15,290 --> 00:32:16,430 and there's nothing we can do about it. 768 00:32:16,630 --> 00:32:17,570 What do you mean? 769 00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:18,920 I mean that I thought our plan 770 00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:20,660 was going to be easy, and it was not. 771 00:32:20,860 --> 00:32:22,270 But I still want to be brothers, no homo. 772 00:32:22,470 --> 00:32:23,620 Want to be brothers, no homo, too. 773 00:32:23,820 --> 00:32:25,050 Well, then we have to do this. 774 00:32:25,250 --> 00:32:26,970 But our parents are completely incompatible. 775 00:32:27,170 --> 00:32:29,230 Mom has no pussy. 776 00:32:29,430 --> 00:32:31,490 Dad is a gay. 777 00:32:31,690 --> 00:32:34,770 I want this to work, okay? But it just feels... 778 00:32:35,810 --> 00:32:37,080 impossible. 779 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:39,760 Anything's possible if you force it to be. 780 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,850 - But-- - Shh. 781 00:32:42,050 --> 00:32:44,000 [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING] 782 00:32:48,650 --> 00:32:51,120 When I was picking colleges 783 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:53,910 My sights were set on Brown 784 00:32:54,110 --> 00:32:56,950 But my scores were all so miserable 785 00:32:57,150 --> 00:32:59,350 That they just turned me down 786 00:32:59,550 --> 00:33:02,310 So I went and saw the chancellor 787 00:33:02,510 --> 00:33:04,410 To make him think again 788 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,440 And when he still refused 789 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:12,190 I roofied him And then he let me in 790 00:33:12,390 --> 00:33:14,360 You can't give up 791 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,030 When people tell you no 792 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:19,450 You can't give up 793 00:33:19,650 --> 00:33:22,860 If you want it, make it so 794 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,330 Life's a game of poker 795 00:33:26,530 --> 00:33:29,070 And I only play to win 796 00:33:29,270 --> 00:33:31,990 So if someone says don't do a thing 797 00:33:32,190 --> 00:33:34,570 Just do that thing again 798 00:33:35,830 --> 00:33:38,300 Last year I found a condo 799 00:33:38,500 --> 00:33:40,910 So high up in the sky 800 00:33:41,110 --> 00:33:43,830 But the grandmother who lived there 801 00:33:44,030 --> 00:33:46,520 She wouldn't let me buy 802 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:48,920 So I framed her ass for larceny 803 00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:51,700 And now she rots in jail 804 00:33:51,900 --> 00:33:53,580 Then I roofied a whole bar 805 00:33:53,780 --> 00:33:55,270 And we all killed 806 00:33:55,470 --> 00:33:59,230 - A humpback whale - [PEOPLE LAUGHING] 807 00:33:59,430 --> 00:34:00,640 You can't give up 808 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:03,600 When people tell you no 809 00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:05,980 You can't give up 810 00:34:06,180 --> 00:34:09,170 If you want it, make it so 811 00:34:10,650 --> 00:34:13,070 Life's a game of Boggle 812 00:34:13,270 --> 00:34:15,440 And I only play to win 813 00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:18,470 So if someone says don't do a thing 814 00:34:18,670 --> 00:34:20,520 - Just do that thing - And do that thing 815 00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:23,040 Again 816 00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:25,260 The losers are all thinking 817 00:34:25,460 --> 00:34:28,010 There's some secret to success 818 00:34:28,540 --> 00:34:31,130 And they also think that "no" means "no" 819 00:34:31,330 --> 00:34:35,790 But really "No" means "yes" 820 00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:40,970 "No" means "yes" 821 00:34:41,170 --> 00:34:42,930 You can't give up 822 00:34:43,130 --> 00:34:46,110 When people tell you no 823 00:34:46,310 --> 00:34:48,150 You can't give up 824 00:34:48,350 --> 00:34:51,950 If you want it, make it so 825 00:34:52,650 --> 00:34:54,810 Life's a fucking hand job 826 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:57,640 And I only play to win 827 00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,680 So stroke my fucking cock 828 00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:02,480 Until I blast all on your chin 829 00:35:03,050 --> 00:35:05,650 Then take that cum and lube me up 830 00:35:05,850 --> 00:35:08,350 Until I come again 831 00:35:08,550 --> 00:35:11,220 And if someone says don't do a thing 832 00:35:11,420 --> 00:35:13,050 Just do that thing and do that thing 833 00:35:13,250 --> 00:35:14,310 And do that thing 834 00:35:14,510 --> 00:35:19,010 And do that thing... 835 00:35:19,210 --> 00:35:22,620 Again 836 00:35:22,820 --> 00:35:24,490 Do that thing again 837 00:35:24,690 --> 00:35:26,120 [MUSIC ENDS] 838 00:35:30,950 --> 00:35:33,250 Ah. Should I open another bottle? 839 00:35:33,690 --> 00:35:35,070 I know it's our second, 840 00:35:35,270 --> 00:35:36,420 but we're not Baptists. 841 00:35:36,620 --> 00:35:39,290 - [RATTLING] - [SEWER BOYS GROWLING] 842 00:35:39,490 --> 00:35:40,550 Are you sure that thing's secure? 843 00:35:40,750 --> 00:35:41,860 HARRIS: Hardly. 844 00:35:42,060 --> 00:35:44,210 They've gotten out so many times, 845 00:35:44,410 --> 00:35:46,990 animal control made me tag them. 846 00:35:47,190 --> 00:35:49,390 Have you ever thought about putting them down? 847 00:35:49,590 --> 00:35:51,920 Good grief, I'd sooner put down my wine. 848 00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:54,000 Though I admit, they're a handful. 849 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,650 I haven't had a vacation in years, 850 00:35:56,850 --> 00:35:58,890 and you know how I love jet lag. 851 00:35:59,450 --> 00:36:01,920 Let's talk about what I want to talk about. 852 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:05,050 Like Mom, for example. If she's real or whatever. 853 00:36:05,250 --> 00:36:06,750 How did you two meet? 854 00:36:06,950 --> 00:36:08,970 Oh! It's a funny story. 855 00:36:09,170 --> 00:36:10,930 We met in a graveyard. 856 00:36:11,130 --> 00:36:13,020 I was trying to find a kidney. 857 00:36:13,220 --> 00:36:15,980 They sell like hotcakes on the black market. 858 00:36:16,180 --> 00:36:17,940 - You were graverobbing. - Why, Trevor, 859 00:36:18,140 --> 00:36:20,850 you know that was my job before the war. 860 00:36:21,050 --> 00:36:23,250 And after. [GASPS] Yahtzee. 861 00:36:23,450 --> 00:36:24,420 We're doing a puzzle. 862 00:36:24,620 --> 00:36:25,680 [GASPS] Puzzle. 863 00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:26,950 [SIGHS] 864 00:36:27,150 --> 00:36:29,510 There was your mother, up to her neck 865 00:36:29,710 --> 00:36:31,520 in freshly-tilled dirt. 866 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:34,170 When I called out to her, she pulled a gun on me. 867 00:36:34,370 --> 00:36:35,480 Thought I was a cop. 868 00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:37,830 Graverobbing was illegal in those days. 869 00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:39,180 It's still illegal. 870 00:36:39,380 --> 00:36:40,740 Well, don't tell the police 871 00:36:40,940 --> 00:36:44,090 or they'll make me return half my wardrobe. [LAUGHS] 872 00:36:44,290 --> 00:36:47,180 All this talk about Dad. What is it, Father's Day? 873 00:36:47,380 --> 00:36:48,750 You know, the more you yammer on about Dad, 874 00:36:48,950 --> 00:36:50,190 it makes me think you miss him. 875 00:36:50,390 --> 00:36:52,360 Like you want to see him again. 876 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:54,410 - See your mother? - Why not? 877 00:36:54,610 --> 00:36:56,890 You said so yourself, you're fucking monster children... 878 00:36:57,090 --> 00:36:58,110 Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys! 879 00:36:58,310 --> 00:36:59,640 Whatever! 880 00:37:00,210 --> 00:37:03,240 Your Sewer Boys take up so much of your time. 881 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,330 When's the last time you went out 882 00:37:05,530 --> 00:37:07,030 and had a little fun? 883 00:37:07,230 --> 00:37:09,210 A little daddy time? 884 00:37:09,410 --> 00:37:11,830 The last time I went out... 885 00:37:12,350 --> 00:37:14,730 I know the Nazis were still a thing. 886 00:37:14,930 --> 00:37:16,600 God, whatever happened to them? 887 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:17,870 See, this is what I mean. 888 00:37:18,070 --> 00:37:19,960 You should leave the house now and then. 889 00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:21,870 Hit the town, look at a current globe, 890 00:37:22,070 --> 00:37:23,090 see Dad. 891 00:37:23,290 --> 00:37:24,440 I don't know about seeing your mother, 892 00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:26,740 but... you're right. 893 00:37:26,940 --> 00:37:28,360 A little company could be nice. 894 00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,050 Well, how about you and me go to dinner? 895 00:37:31,250 --> 00:37:32,970 Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.? 896 00:37:33,170 --> 00:37:34,360 Tomorrow night? 897 00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:36,620 Let's just have drinks here instead, eh? 898 00:37:36,820 --> 00:37:39,190 Or, or... we could go somewhere better. 899 00:37:39,390 --> 00:37:41,370 The kind of place where you could fall in love again. 900 00:37:41,570 --> 00:37:43,080 A place like 901 00:37:43,470 --> 00:37:45,630 La Chateaux. 902 00:37:45,830 --> 00:37:49,250 The most romantic restaurant in all of New York? 903 00:37:49,450 --> 00:37:51,120 Odd place to go with your son. 904 00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:52,380 Well, I already made a reservation, 905 00:37:52,580 --> 00:37:54,990 so enjoy your empty evening full of nothing 906 00:37:55,190 --> 00:37:56,600 but the silence of your own thoughts. 907 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,780 And I loved that idea you had about dinner at La Chateaux. 908 00:37:59,980 --> 00:38:02,000 Wait a minute, wasn't that your idea? 909 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:04,350 Yup, that's right, a dinner that's definitely your idea, 910 00:38:04,550 --> 00:38:05,780 and definitely with me. 911 00:38:05,980 --> 00:38:06,830 Bye, Mommy. 912 00:38:07,030 --> 00:38:08,310 Well, we'll see. 913 00:38:08,510 --> 00:38:11,140 I mean, uh, it was lovely of you to come over, though. 914 00:38:11,340 --> 00:38:13,440 - I hope you'll come back... - [DOOR SLAMS] 915 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:14,750 soon. 916 00:38:14,950 --> 00:38:15,880 Come back soon. 917 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:17,230 [DOOR SLAMS] 918 00:38:17,430 --> 00:38:19,330 [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] 919 00:38:24,340 --> 00:38:29,820 The phone, it never rings 920 00:38:31,340 --> 00:38:36,780 The door, it never knocks 921 00:38:38,350 --> 00:38:43,300 I sit here with my bric-a-brac 922 00:38:43,500 --> 00:38:46,050 Oh, my tchotchkes 923 00:38:46,530 --> 00:38:50,230 And my clocks 924 00:38:52,230 --> 00:38:56,750 I don't think it's a problem 925 00:38:56,950 --> 00:39:03,320 That I hate to go outside 926 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,580 Though I worry 927 00:39:06,780 --> 00:39:10,410 It'll take them weeks 928 00:39:10,610 --> 00:39:13,940 To find my body 929 00:39:14,140 --> 00:39:17,740 Once I've died 930 00:39:18,260 --> 00:39:20,290 I'm lonely 931 00:39:20,490 --> 00:39:23,640 I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely, I'm lonely 932 00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:25,300 I'm lonely 933 00:39:25,500 --> 00:39:26,860 So lonely 934 00:39:27,060 --> 00:39:31,400 So fucking lonely all the time 935 00:39:32,450 --> 00:39:35,790 I am a person 936 00:39:35,990 --> 00:39:37,440 Who's lonely 937 00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:42,420 My Sewer Boys They bring me joy 938 00:39:44,460 --> 00:39:49,730 They have throughout the years 939 00:39:51,250 --> 00:39:52,890 But I admit 940 00:39:53,090 --> 00:39:55,940 They've scared away 941 00:39:56,140 --> 00:39:59,590 My wife, my son 942 00:39:59,790 --> 00:40:02,680 My peers 943 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:06,080 Could it be 944 00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:09,990 I've hid behind 945 00:40:10,190 --> 00:40:16,700 My sweet, delightful pets? 946 00:40:16,900 --> 00:40:18,180 [BOTH GROWLING SADLY] 947 00:40:18,380 --> 00:40:21,010 That they've mired me 948 00:40:21,210 --> 00:40:23,920 In crippling debt 949 00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:28,750 And been the cause of my death threats 950 00:40:28,950 --> 00:40:31,150 [BOTH WHIMPERING] 951 00:40:31,350 --> 00:40:32,800 I'm lonely 952 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:37,430 I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely 953 00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:39,720 So lonely 954 00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:45,070 So lonely and so all alone 955 00:40:45,270 --> 00:40:48,700 I am a person 956 00:40:49,390 --> 00:40:51,990 Was it wrong to throw away 957 00:40:52,190 --> 00:40:54,430 The marriage that I had? 958 00:40:54,630 --> 00:40:56,210 Was it wrong? 959 00:40:56,410 --> 00:40:58,260 To split my children up 960 00:40:58,460 --> 00:41:01,440 Is there a chance that was bad? 961 00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:03,220 That was bad 962 00:41:03,420 --> 00:41:05,830 BOTH: Am I wrong to live my life 963 00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,310 The way I do now? 964 00:41:08,510 --> 00:41:09,460 [BOTH GRUNTING] 965 00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:13,100 - Should I try to change? - Yes 966 00:41:13,300 --> 00:41:15,320 - Some way - Please 967 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:16,500 Somehow 968 00:41:16,700 --> 00:41:17,450 Change 969 00:41:17,650 --> 00:41:19,720 I have so much to share 970 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:20,890 Change 971 00:41:21,090 --> 00:41:23,110 Does anybody care? 972 00:41:23,310 --> 00:41:26,460 Please, God If you're listening 973 00:41:26,660 --> 00:41:30,340 Just trust me I'm Christian now 974 00:41:30,540 --> 00:41:35,470 Answer my motherfucking prayer 975 00:41:35,670 --> 00:41:37,830 [SNIFFS] Oh, not now. Not now. 976 00:41:38,310 --> 00:41:40,230 [MUSIC CRESCENDOS] 977 00:41:43,270 --> 00:41:45,870 I'm lonely 978 00:41:46,070 --> 00:41:50,230 I'm so lonely 979 00:41:50,430 --> 00:41:52,180 So lonely 980 00:41:52,380 --> 00:41:56,880 So lonely, I'm all alone 981 00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:59,930 - I'm lonely - I'm lonely 982 00:42:00,130 --> 00:42:01,630 So very lonely 983 00:42:01,830 --> 00:42:03,930 You know I'm lonely 984 00:42:04,130 --> 00:42:07,420 I am a person 985 00:42:07,620 --> 00:42:08,740 [BOTH SIGH] 986 00:42:09,260 --> 00:42:11,740 - Who's - Who's 987 00:42:13,830 --> 00:42:15,990 Lonely 988 00:42:16,190 --> 00:42:19,560 - Lonely - Lonely 989 00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:22,480 Lonely 990 00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:29,490 - Lonely - Lonely 991 00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:37,270 Mom called me confirming she's on for dinner tonight. 992 00:42:37,470 --> 00:42:39,750 Oh, Dad has left me, like, 14 voice mails. 993 00:42:39,950 --> 00:42:42,190 - The plan is working, King. - Hell yeah, King. 994 00:42:42,390 --> 00:42:44,110 There's no way this can possibly go wrong. 995 00:42:44,310 --> 00:42:46,190 Uh... Oh, uh-uh. 996 00:42:46,390 --> 00:42:48,940 Tiddle, Brock, what the hell y'all two doing here? 997 00:42:49,140 --> 00:42:50,330 We're keeping your company afloat. 998 00:42:50,530 --> 00:42:51,550 - You're welcome. - CRAIG: I don't know 999 00:42:51,750 --> 00:42:52,810 if estrogen makes you forgetful, 1000 00:42:53,010 --> 00:42:54,250 but we're your top two salesmen. 1001 00:42:54,450 --> 00:42:55,550 Uh, you're not my two top salesmen. 1002 00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:56,830 Check the board. 1003 00:42:57,350 --> 00:42:59,830 [VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS] 1004 00:43:00,790 --> 00:43:01,910 [BABY CRYING] 1005 00:43:02,110 --> 00:43:03,210 Okay, so we missed a day 1006 00:43:03,410 --> 00:43:05,080 and we fell down a slot or two. Big deal. 1007 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,520 Bid deal? Y'all ain't been here in two fucking weeks. 1008 00:43:07,720 --> 00:43:09,300 - Two fucking weeks? - [MOCKING] Two fucking weeks? 1009 00:43:09,500 --> 00:43:10,960 - 'Cause we got that wig. - That's it. 1010 00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:12,570 - That's where the time went. - Yeah. 1011 00:43:12,770 --> 00:43:14,740 Y'all fucked up. So guess what? 1012 00:43:14,940 --> 00:43:16,350 Because y'all haven't been making me no money, 1013 00:43:16,550 --> 00:43:17,490 y'all are dead to me. 1014 00:43:17,690 --> 00:43:18,840 - What? - You haven't been selling 1015 00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:20,580 any fucking wheels, any fucking gears, 1016 00:43:20,780 --> 00:43:21,970 and y'all damn sure ain't been selling 1017 00:43:22,170 --> 00:43:24,230 no teeny tiny fucking brushes. 1018 00:43:24,430 --> 00:43:26,970 Okay. I know we're not supposed to say this anymore 1019 00:43:27,170 --> 00:43:28,850 because it's not acceptable or whatever, 1020 00:43:29,050 --> 00:43:31,020 but you're being a bitch. 1021 00:43:31,220 --> 00:43:32,240 CRAIG: Yeah, and I would say that 1022 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:33,370 the way you're acting right now 1023 00:43:33,570 --> 00:43:34,980 is actually very bitch-y. 1024 00:43:35,180 --> 00:43:37,820 Okay, well, I can show y'all two bitches a bitch. 1025 00:43:39,610 --> 00:43:40,940 They say boys'll be boys 1026 00:43:41,140 --> 00:43:42,380 Man, what a crock of shit 1027 00:43:42,580 --> 00:43:43,730 These men They hold all the cards 1028 00:43:43,930 --> 00:43:44,990 It makes me want to spit 1029 00:43:45,190 --> 00:43:46,300 They always fucking shit up 1030 00:43:46,500 --> 00:43:47,730 They're always making a mess 1031 00:43:47,930 --> 00:43:50,480 But I'mma tell you the secret to my success 1032 00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,910 Men are all stupid Weak little boys 1033 00:43:53,110 --> 00:43:55,610 They're not very smart They just make lots of noise 1034 00:43:55,810 --> 00:43:56,960 They got their nose up my ass 1035 00:43:57,160 --> 00:43:58,090 They want to be teacher's pet 1036 00:43:58,290 --> 00:43:59,440 And so I keep them on their toes 1037 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:00,490 And make those fuckers sweat 1038 00:44:00,690 --> 00:44:01,620 - Girls - Girls 1039 00:44:01,820 --> 00:44:02,920 Sit on your throne 1040 00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:04,400 And just act like a queen 1041 00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:06,620 And these boys will be dying to kiss the ring 1042 00:44:06,820 --> 00:44:09,020 Train them to beg like the dogs that they are 1043 00:44:09,220 --> 00:44:11,020 And you'll find that it ain't no thing 1044 00:44:11,220 --> 00:44:14,330 To out-alpha the alpha 1045 00:44:14,530 --> 00:44:15,690 Mm-hmm 1046 00:44:16,300 --> 00:44:18,900 - Outfox the fox - Ah, yeah 1047 00:44:19,100 --> 00:44:20,910 Outfox the fox 1048 00:44:21,650 --> 00:44:26,770 Outsmart all these dummies 1049 00:44:26,970 --> 00:44:31,530 Out-fuck all these cocks 1050 00:44:32,050 --> 00:44:34,650 They'll cop a feel or smack yo ass 1051 00:44:34,850 --> 00:44:37,130 And then they'll suck their little thumbs 1052 00:44:37,330 --> 00:44:40,090 These boys all want a kiss from mommy 1053 00:44:40,290 --> 00:44:42,220 They're all scummy sacks of cum 1054 00:44:42,420 --> 00:44:45,010 So put your foot right on they throat 1055 00:44:45,210 --> 00:44:48,530 If they are standing in your way and just 1056 00:44:48,730 --> 00:44:53,120 Make those fuckers pay 1057 00:44:53,810 --> 00:44:55,730 [WOMEN CHEERING] 1058 00:44:58,950 --> 00:45:00,330 Stackin' my dollars Making my coin 1059 00:45:00,530 --> 00:45:01,630 Got drip in the back of my truck 1060 00:45:01,830 --> 00:45:02,980 Bank vault apartment Swimming in cash 1061 00:45:03,180 --> 00:45:04,380 Scrooge McFucking McDuck 1062 00:45:04,580 --> 00:45:06,680 I always stay stunnin' My shit is brand-new 1063 00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:08,950 My tuna is ahi My beef is Wagyu 1064 00:45:09,150 --> 00:45:10,770 Y'all are just servants This is my palace 1065 00:45:10,970 --> 00:45:11,950 Built it brick by brick 1066 00:45:12,150 --> 00:45:13,470 So get in a line Drop on your knees 1067 00:45:13,670 --> 00:45:14,650 And suck my fucking dick 1068 00:45:14,850 --> 00:45:15,870 Then eat my ass Lick my pussy 1069 00:45:16,070 --> 00:45:17,170 And find my clit 1070 00:45:17,370 --> 00:45:18,480 Just keep on fucking I'm not done 1071 00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:19,610 I'll tell you when to quit 1072 00:45:19,810 --> 00:45:20,830 Hell, yeah, I'm raw 1073 00:45:21,030 --> 00:45:22,220 Bitch, I'm the star 1074 00:45:22,420 --> 00:45:24,700 And yes, I'm real, boy There's no HR 1075 00:45:24,900 --> 00:45:27,310 I'm the fucking dom Don't need a fucking man 1076 00:45:27,510 --> 00:45:29,360 And by now you know my plan 1077 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:34,190 Out-alpha the alpha 1078 00:45:34,390 --> 00:45:36,490 Out-screw the cock 1079 00:45:36,690 --> 00:45:39,380 Yeah, out-screw these cocks 1080 00:45:39,900 --> 00:45:44,980 Outplay all these losers 1081 00:45:45,180 --> 00:45:50,480 Out-juice all these nuts 1082 00:45:51,090 --> 00:45:53,560 These baby boys can't keep the pace 1083 00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:56,080 They're all so fucking slow 1084 00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:59,000 They love acting like they run the place 1085 00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:00,790 But I'm the CEO 1086 00:46:01,580 --> 00:46:03,910 These men are fucking dinosaurs 1087 00:46:04,110 --> 00:46:06,520 - About to be destroyed - [GRUNTS] 1088 00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:11,360 - And I'm the asteroid - And I'm the asteroid 1089 00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:13,790 They've called me shrill They've called me slut 1090 00:46:13,990 --> 00:46:16,320 They've called me ice queen And what's more 1091 00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:19,150 They've called me crazy Called me loud 1092 00:46:19,350 --> 00:46:22,250 They've called me bitch and cunt and whore 1093 00:46:22,550 --> 00:46:24,760 - Imagine, if you will - [VOCALIZING] 1094 00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:27,550 We murdered all the males 1095 00:46:27,750 --> 00:46:29,980 A woman-driven world 1096 00:46:30,180 --> 00:46:32,940 Where equity prevails 1097 00:46:33,140 --> 00:46:35,470 Sadly That's not how it is 1098 00:46:35,670 --> 00:46:37,730 But don't you get upset 1099 00:46:37,930 --> 00:46:40,560 I'll put those boys right in their place 1100 00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:42,260 Goddamn, that makes me wet 1101 00:46:42,460 --> 00:46:43,880 - [VOCALIZING] - [CHUCKLES] 1102 00:46:45,930 --> 00:46:48,570 Trevor, Craig, you're fired. 1103 00:46:48,770 --> 00:46:50,090 [CRASHING] 1104 00:46:50,290 --> 00:46:54,660 Out-alpha the alpha 1105 00:46:54,860 --> 00:46:57,270 Outfox the fox 1106 00:46:57,470 --> 00:46:59,800 Outfox the fox, ah 1107 00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,060 Outsmart all these dummies 1108 00:47:02,260 --> 00:47:05,110 Outsmart all the dummies 1109 00:47:05,310 --> 00:47:10,240 Out-fuck all these cocks 1110 00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:13,330 Out-alpha the alpha 1111 00:47:13,530 --> 00:47:15,860 Out-alpha the alpha Out-alpha the alpha 1112 00:47:16,060 --> 00:47:18,160 Out-alpha the alpha 1113 00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:20,740 - [VOCALIZING] - Ah 1114 00:47:21,130 --> 00:47:22,610 - [MUSIC ENDS] - [WOMAN WHOOPS] 1115 00:47:23,750 --> 00:47:25,650 Bitch, that was fun. 1116 00:47:25,850 --> 00:47:28,130 Okay, now, back to the story. 1117 00:47:28,330 --> 00:47:30,520 [PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MELODY] 1118 00:47:30,720 --> 00:47:32,670 [LOW CROWD CHATTER] 1119 00:47:43,370 --> 00:47:44,930 You know, fuck that fucking job. 1120 00:47:45,130 --> 00:47:47,100 - Who needs that fucking job? - PATRON: Shh! 1121 00:47:47,300 --> 00:47:48,980 - Ugh. - Rude. 1122 00:47:49,180 --> 00:47:51,470 - [GASPS] Oh! Look, look, look. - Oh, oh. 1123 00:47:52,380 --> 00:47:54,850 [GRUNTS] Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am. 1124 00:47:55,050 --> 00:47:56,430 [CRASHING] 1125 00:47:57,820 --> 00:47:58,950 M-Ma'am? 1126 00:48:00,390 --> 00:48:03,770 [HARRIS SIGHING] 1127 00:48:03,970 --> 00:48:05,790 [WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING] 1128 00:48:10,310 --> 00:48:12,230 [CRASHING] 1129 00:48:15,450 --> 00:48:16,750 [SIGHS] 1130 00:48:17,410 --> 00:48:20,110 Ugh. Ugh. 1131 00:48:21,540 --> 00:48:22,720 [SIGHS] 1132 00:48:24,550 --> 00:48:25,850 [SIGHS] 1133 00:48:26,330 --> 00:48:28,320 Well, this is ridiculous. 1134 00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:29,840 I don't see him anywhere. 1135 00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:32,120 I'm just going to go right back ho... 1136 00:48:32,680 --> 00:48:34,900 - Evelyn? - Harris? 1137 00:48:35,470 --> 00:48:37,500 BOTH: What are you doing here? 1138 00:48:37,700 --> 00:48:39,070 I'm having a romantic dinner... 1139 00:48:39,270 --> 00:48:40,370 - ...with Trevor. - ...with Craig. 1140 00:48:40,570 --> 00:48:42,680 [GASPS] Oh, my God. 1141 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:44,030 The twins. 1142 00:48:44,230 --> 00:48:46,340 The twins must have found one another, 1143 00:48:46,540 --> 00:48:48,820 switched places to meet the parent they never knew 1144 00:48:49,020 --> 00:48:51,790 and then tricked us into coming here and reuniting. 1145 00:48:52,270 --> 00:48:53,780 Those rascals. 1146 00:48:53,980 --> 00:48:55,910 Well, I'm flummoxed. 1147 00:48:56,110 --> 00:48:57,910 I'm dumbfounded. 1148 00:48:58,110 --> 00:49:00,440 Those were always two of your best qualities. 1149 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:03,700 - Oh, Harris. - [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1150 00:49:03,900 --> 00:49:06,920 My God, Evelyn. How long has it been? 1151 00:49:07,120 --> 00:49:10,140 260 years. 1152 00:49:10,340 --> 00:49:13,720 It's been 260 years since we last saw one another? 1153 00:49:14,940 --> 00:49:18,190 Oh, I thought you meant since the French and Indian War. 1154 00:49:18,390 --> 00:49:21,380 Oh, I have no idea how long it's been since we... 1155 00:49:22,340 --> 00:49:23,600 split up. 1156 00:49:24,300 --> 00:49:28,000 Yes, well, at any rate, it's been a long time. 1157 00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:30,960 Yes. Yes, it has. 1158 00:49:31,610 --> 00:49:32,910 - [SIGHS] - [CLEARS THROAT] 1159 00:49:33,110 --> 00:49:34,220 Garcon? 1160 00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:38,010 - Garcon? - Yes, madame? 1161 00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:40,780 Um, my apologies, but, uh, 1162 00:49:40,980 --> 00:49:43,650 we're actually going to have to cancel our reservation. 1163 00:49:43,850 --> 00:49:46,050 Yes, there's been a mistake. 1164 00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:47,530 - Oh, ooh. - Oh, oh. 1165 00:49:47,730 --> 00:49:49,270 Ah, but I hear that this wine 1166 00:49:49,470 --> 00:49:51,310 will be of particular interest to you both. 1167 00:49:51,510 --> 00:49:54,010 It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy, like you had 1168 00:49:54,210 --> 00:49:55,750 - on your honeymoon. - Like we had on our honeymoon. 1169 00:49:55,950 --> 00:49:57,550 And it's in a bottle. 1170 00:49:58,330 --> 00:50:01,290 - Well, it is a very nice wine. - [WINE POURING] 1171 00:50:02,030 --> 00:50:04,370 And it is free, after all. 1172 00:50:04,570 --> 00:50:06,980 - It's not. Enjoy. - EVELYN: Mmm. 1173 00:50:07,180 --> 00:50:08,300 [HARRIS SIGHS] 1174 00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:10,170 A toast, 1175 00:50:10,650 --> 00:50:12,950 to our clever, stubborn boys. 1176 00:50:13,150 --> 00:50:16,040 They are the one thing we got mostly right. 1177 00:50:16,240 --> 00:50:18,350 - Mostly. - [BOTH LAUGHING] 1178 00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:22,230 And... dissolve. 1179 00:50:23,060 --> 00:50:25,440 - Mmm. - God, I've missed this. 1180 00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:28,050 And I haven't even thought about the Sewer Boys once. 1181 00:50:28,250 --> 00:50:31,960 Those fucking things are still alive? Ugh. 1182 00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:34,440 God, how old are they now? 1183 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:35,880 They're younger, actually. 1184 00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:38,710 They operate outside of linear time. 1185 00:50:38,910 --> 00:50:41,200 Sure. I'm familiar. 1186 00:50:43,080 --> 00:50:45,850 What went wrong between us, Evelyn, 1187 00:50:46,050 --> 00:50:47,810 all those many moons ago? 1188 00:50:48,010 --> 00:50:50,770 Oh, what goes wrong with any couple? 1189 00:50:50,970 --> 00:50:53,030 We were young and foolish. 1190 00:50:53,230 --> 00:50:55,420 - We drifted apart. - Hmm. 1191 00:50:55,620 --> 00:50:57,480 And you did start fucking men. 1192 00:50:58,310 --> 00:51:00,480 All the time, fucking men. 1193 00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:05,130 There are always little clues that a person might be gay. 1194 00:51:05,330 --> 00:51:08,090 Well, it hardly matters now, since my pussy fell off. 1195 00:51:08,290 --> 00:51:10,000 Yes, it hardly matters now. 1196 00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:11,960 [SPUTTERS] 1197 00:51:12,160 --> 00:51:13,540 I'm sorry, what? 1198 00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:15,630 Delicious. 1199 00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:17,840 [GULPS] 1200 00:51:18,040 --> 00:51:19,400 Hmm. [GULPS] 1201 00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:21,060 Evelyn, is something the matter? 1202 00:51:21,260 --> 00:51:22,190 [MUFFLED GRUNTING] 1203 00:51:22,390 --> 00:51:24,360 Oh, you're choking. Oh! 1204 00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:25,500 Yes. 1205 00:51:25,700 --> 00:51:27,250 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1206 00:51:30,250 --> 00:51:31,240 Hmm? 1207 00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:33,470 - EVELYN: Oh. Harris? - [HARRIS GROANS] 1208 00:51:33,780 --> 00:51:34,900 Yes? 1209 00:51:35,100 --> 00:51:36,940 You're still holding onto me. 1210 00:51:37,140 --> 00:51:39,290 - Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no. It's fine. 1211 00:51:39,490 --> 00:51:40,510 - It's... - Oh. 1212 00:51:40,710 --> 00:51:42,210 It's more than fine. 1213 00:51:42,410 --> 00:51:44,220 [BOTH MOANING] 1214 00:51:46,960 --> 00:51:48,520 What are we even doing? 1215 00:51:48,720 --> 00:51:49,780 I'm not sure. 1216 00:51:49,980 --> 00:51:51,700 [BOTH MOANING] 1217 00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:53,390 Aren't you gay? 1218 00:51:53,590 --> 00:51:55,400 I-I don't know. It's like I'm... 1219 00:51:55,600 --> 00:51:57,880 I'm attracted to both men and women. 1220 00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:01,400 Huh. Well, now I have heard everything. 1221 00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:05,230 But, uh, also, and correct me if I'm wrong, 1222 00:52:05,430 --> 00:52:09,250 but, uh, didn't you just say that your... 1223 00:52:10,990 --> 00:52:12,540 [WHISPERS] ...pussy fell off? 1224 00:52:12,740 --> 00:52:16,590 Yes. Trevor had to kill it with a flip-flop in Greece. 1225 00:52:16,790 --> 00:52:20,900 But what he doesn't know is, I went back afterward, 1226 00:52:21,100 --> 00:52:24,290 scooped it up and put it into a plastic bag, 1227 00:52:24,490 --> 00:52:27,950 and now I always carry it with me 1228 00:52:28,150 --> 00:52:30,300 so that I feel like a woman. 1229 00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:32,270 Well, now I've heard everything. 1230 00:52:32,710 --> 00:52:34,830 [EXHALES] Oh, my God. 1231 00:52:35,030 --> 00:52:36,580 Well, that was unexpected. 1232 00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:40,090 - Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh. 1233 00:52:40,290 --> 00:52:41,530 These are yours, those are mine. 1234 00:52:41,730 --> 00:52:42,920 I'm so embarrassed. Yes. 1235 00:52:43,120 --> 00:52:45,460 - Yes. - [BOTH GASP] 1236 00:52:46,150 --> 00:52:47,320 Oh, my God. 1237 00:52:47,520 --> 00:52:49,720 [GASPS, EXHALES] 1238 00:52:49,980 --> 00:52:51,070 So... 1239 00:52:52,600 --> 00:52:54,720 we can be together. 1240 00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:57,940 Why, yes. Yes, we can. 1241 00:52:58,140 --> 00:53:00,080 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 1242 00:53:01,210 --> 00:53:03,130 [DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES] 1243 00:53:06,260 --> 00:53:09,080 I thought these feelings 1244 00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:11,430 All had died 1245 00:53:11,630 --> 00:53:14,740 But now you're here 1246 00:53:14,940 --> 00:53:18,570 And now I find 1247 00:53:18,770 --> 00:53:23,570 I've missed you very much 1248 00:53:23,770 --> 00:53:25,700 [GASPING, LAUGHING QUIETLY] 1249 00:53:25,900 --> 00:53:30,710 I've missed your hair Your eyes, your face 1250 00:53:30,910 --> 00:53:33,450 But now you're here 1251 00:53:33,650 --> 00:53:35,670 And now I yearn 1252 00:53:35,870 --> 00:53:40,950 For a tender lover's 1253 00:53:41,250 --> 00:53:43,300 Touch 1254 00:53:44,780 --> 00:53:46,250 - Wow. - Wow. 1255 00:53:46,450 --> 00:53:47,550 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 1256 00:53:47,750 --> 00:53:49,740 [MOANS] 1257 00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:55,650 I feel the beat, beat, beat of your thumping heart 1258 00:53:55,850 --> 00:53:57,210 It's just my body telling you 1259 00:53:57,410 --> 00:53:58,690 I'm ready to start 1260 00:53:58,890 --> 00:54:01,520 Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go 1261 00:54:01,720 --> 00:54:03,090 You know I like it rough 1262 00:54:03,290 --> 00:54:04,830 So don't you take it slow 1263 00:54:05,030 --> 00:54:07,960 Oh, oh, oh, oh 1264 00:54:08,160 --> 00:54:09,530 I'm desperate for your dick 1265 00:54:09,730 --> 00:54:11,230 Desperate for your pussy 1266 00:54:11,430 --> 00:54:12,580 Hungry for your dick 1267 00:54:12,780 --> 00:54:14,750 Give me Give me that pussy 1268 00:54:14,950 --> 00:54:17,930 I got the taste, taste taste of you on my tongue 1269 00:54:18,130 --> 00:54:21,060 I want to get real wild like when we were young 1270 00:54:21,260 --> 00:54:24,280 Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go 1271 00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:27,500 Roll over here, baby 'Cause I'm fixing to blow 1272 00:54:27,700 --> 00:54:30,720 Oh, oh, oh, oh 1273 00:54:30,920 --> 00:54:32,330 I'm desperate for your snatch 1274 00:54:32,530 --> 00:54:34,250 I'm desperate for your cock 1275 00:54:34,450 --> 00:54:35,420 [MUFFLED] I want vagina 1276 00:54:35,620 --> 00:54:38,180 I'm talking about penis 1277 00:54:39,490 --> 00:54:41,180 - [GRUNTS] - [SCREAMS] 1278 00:54:43,620 --> 00:54:45,930 - [WHOOPS] - [GRUNTING] 1279 00:54:51,150 --> 00:54:53,570 [GRUNTING] 1280 00:54:53,770 --> 00:54:56,270 HARRIS AND EVELYN: I'm desperate 1281 00:54:56,470 --> 00:55:01,280 For your love 1282 00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:03,120 Desperate for your love 1283 00:55:04,730 --> 00:55:05,720 [MUSIC ENDS] 1284 00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:07,510 [CLATTERING] 1285 00:55:09,730 --> 00:55:11,240 And stay out. 1286 00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:14,550 Oh, I had a cape. Ugh. 1287 00:55:14,750 --> 00:55:16,860 We did it, we did it 1288 00:55:17,060 --> 00:55:17,900 We did it 1289 00:55:18,100 --> 00:55:19,160 Harris, we're being mugged. 1290 00:55:19,360 --> 00:55:20,430 - We're gonna die. - HARRIS: No, no. 1291 00:55:20,630 --> 00:55:21,820 - No, darling. - Huh? What? 1292 00:55:22,020 --> 00:55:23,430 It-it's our boys. 1293 00:55:23,630 --> 00:55:24,690 EVELYN: Oh, my God! 1294 00:55:24,890 --> 00:55:26,690 - It's so good to see you. - Oh, yay. 1295 00:55:26,890 --> 00:55:29,260 To see you both together. 1296 00:55:29,460 --> 00:55:31,870 Now, why'd you switch places? 1297 00:55:32,070 --> 00:55:33,870 I guess we thought, since you gave us up, 1298 00:55:34,070 --> 00:55:35,620 - maybe it meant you... - Hated us. 1299 00:55:35,820 --> 00:55:37,880 - [GASPS] - Hated you? No. 1300 00:55:38,080 --> 00:55:39,660 We hardly even knew you. 1301 00:55:39,860 --> 00:55:42,940 We drew straws at the hospital and each took a kid. 1302 00:55:44,380 --> 00:55:46,320 I just can't get over it. 1303 00:55:46,520 --> 00:55:48,190 All of us, reunited. 1304 00:55:48,390 --> 00:55:49,720 It's just like we planned. 1305 00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:52,070 And now that you're back in love again, 1306 00:55:52,270 --> 00:55:54,070 you're gonna get married! 1307 00:55:54,270 --> 00:55:55,110 - What? - What? 1308 00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:56,590 Get married! And when you do, 1309 00:55:56,790 --> 00:55:57,990 do you think you'll change your last names? 1310 00:55:58,190 --> 00:55:59,680 Oh! Should we change our last names? 1311 00:55:59,880 --> 00:56:01,470 - No, wait. - We can all live together. 1312 00:56:01,670 --> 00:56:02,730 Then every day would be like Christmas. 1313 00:56:02,930 --> 00:56:04,340 - Yes. - Unless we're Jewish, 1314 00:56:04,540 --> 00:56:06,650 then every day would be like Easter. 1315 00:56:06,850 --> 00:56:10,650 Boys, boys, please, I mean, Craig, I just met you. 1316 00:56:10,850 --> 00:56:13,390 - I'm Trevor. - Exactly. And I'm gay. 1317 00:56:13,590 --> 00:56:15,390 Yeah, but you just had hot, awesome sex with Mom, 1318 00:56:15,590 --> 00:56:17,180 so now maybe you're straight. 1319 00:56:17,380 --> 00:56:19,270 It's clear that we were both just longing 1320 00:56:19,470 --> 00:56:20,920 for some physical touch. 1321 00:56:21,120 --> 00:56:22,660 We were fucking horny. 1322 00:56:22,860 --> 00:56:26,450 Right, exactly, but our marriage didn't work. 1323 00:56:26,650 --> 00:56:28,450 And I'm an independent woman. 1324 00:56:28,650 --> 00:56:33,080 I do not like when people live with... 1325 00:56:40,610 --> 00:56:41,780 me. 1326 00:56:42,220 --> 00:56:46,560 And I-I feel like maybe I haven't stressed this enough, 1327 00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:48,300 I do fuck men. 1328 00:56:48,500 --> 00:56:50,990 Not as often as I'd like, but whenever I get the chance. 1329 00:56:51,190 --> 00:56:53,040 EVELYN: Boys, listen now. 1330 00:56:53,240 --> 00:56:54,920 We love you, but... 1331 00:56:55,450 --> 00:57:01,710 we will never... 1332 00:57:02,930 --> 00:57:04,850 get married again. 1333 00:57:07,280 --> 00:57:09,710 This is stupid! 1334 00:57:09,910 --> 00:57:12,320 I hate you! And I hate both of you! 1335 00:57:12,520 --> 00:57:13,580 We lost everything 1336 00:57:13,780 --> 00:57:15,150 - because of you. - No. 1337 00:57:15,350 --> 00:57:16,890 Now we don't even have a family? 1338 00:57:17,090 --> 00:57:19,070 We can still be a family, 1339 00:57:19,270 --> 00:57:21,370 even if your mother and I aren't together. 1340 00:57:21,570 --> 00:57:23,420 No, not the kind we wanted. 1341 00:57:23,620 --> 00:57:26,070 You split us up when we were babies. 1342 00:57:26,270 --> 00:57:28,420 I mean, that's fucking psycho! 1343 00:57:28,620 --> 00:57:30,250 Boys, we didn't realize 1344 00:57:30,450 --> 00:57:32,170 that being lied to your entire lives 1345 00:57:32,370 --> 00:57:33,990 would upset you this much. 1346 00:57:34,190 --> 00:57:36,690 But at least we have each other now. 1347 00:57:36,890 --> 00:57:38,390 - No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no. No, Dad. 1348 00:57:38,590 --> 00:57:40,000 - EVELYN: Yay! Yay! - No. No, Mommy. 1349 00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:42,090 - Yay. Yay. - No, Mommy. 1350 00:57:42,290 --> 00:57:44,320 - No. No. - Stop it. Stop it. 1351 00:57:45,580 --> 00:57:47,110 - Yay. - No. 1352 00:57:48,850 --> 00:57:49,840 Come on, Craig. 1353 00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:51,020 - Trevor. - Trevor. 1354 00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:53,230 - Let's go. - [SCOFFS] 1355 00:57:53,430 --> 00:57:55,100 - Yeah. - Ugh. 1356 00:57:55,300 --> 00:57:57,330 Don't. Don't leave like this. 1357 00:57:58,030 --> 00:57:59,210 Oh... 1358 00:58:00,730 --> 00:58:02,950 Which one is which? 1359 00:58:03,730 --> 00:58:05,030 TREVOR: We can still fix this. 1360 00:58:05,230 --> 00:58:06,590 We just need to get Mom and Dad to... 1361 00:58:06,790 --> 00:58:08,070 No, Trevor, just-- No. 1362 00:58:08,270 --> 00:58:09,900 - You don't mean that. - I do. 1363 00:58:10,100 --> 00:58:13,210 I-I mean no, and no means no this time. 1364 00:58:13,410 --> 00:58:15,380 I'm done, okay? This is done. 1365 00:58:15,580 --> 00:58:16,650 What are you saying? 1366 00:58:16,850 --> 00:58:18,780 I-I don't know what I'm saying. 1367 00:58:18,980 --> 00:58:21,430 I've never felt this way before. 1368 00:58:21,630 --> 00:58:23,610 Usually when I want something, I get it. 1369 00:58:23,810 --> 00:58:26,260 In fact, it almost feels like society and all its systems 1370 00:58:26,460 --> 00:58:28,740 were built so that a man who looks like me can succeed. 1371 00:58:28,940 --> 00:58:31,570 And so, now to want something and not get it, 1372 00:58:31,770 --> 00:58:34,100 it-it makes me feel... feel... 1373 00:58:34,300 --> 00:58:36,190 - Feel what, Craig? What? - Feelings! 1374 00:58:36,390 --> 00:58:38,840 Bad ones! And I want to make them go away! 1375 00:58:39,040 --> 00:58:41,450 - This is just like you. - Excuse me? 1376 00:58:41,650 --> 00:58:43,720 To give up. I bet you give up on your boner 1377 00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:45,020 before it's even fully hard. 1378 00:58:45,220 --> 00:58:47,420 Fuck you. I have never given up on a semi. 1379 00:58:47,620 --> 00:58:49,110 My doctors say I am medically horny. 1380 00:58:49,310 --> 00:58:51,720 I never lost anything until you showed up. 1381 00:58:51,920 --> 00:58:53,250 You ruined my life! 1382 00:58:53,450 --> 00:58:54,940 You ruined mine, okay? 1383 00:58:55,140 --> 00:58:56,510 I knew this wouldn't work! 1384 00:58:56,710 --> 00:58:59,170 It would still work if you weren't a fucking quitter. 1385 00:58:59,370 --> 00:59:01,860 We didn't quit. We failed! 1386 00:59:02,060 --> 00:59:04,050 - [TIRES SCREECHING] - [LOUD CRASH] 1387 00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:06,520 Well, if that's how you feel about it, 1388 00:59:06,720 --> 00:59:08,000 then I guess there's nothing left to say. 1389 00:59:08,200 --> 00:59:09,410 I guess not. 1390 00:59:09,840 --> 00:59:11,220 Goodbye forever, Craig. 1391 00:59:11,420 --> 00:59:12,920 Goodbye to you, too. 1392 00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:14,320 For forever. 1393 00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:16,810 [MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING] 1394 00:59:28,510 --> 00:59:29,680 Wait, you... 1395 00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:31,500 You've lived next to me this entire time? 1396 00:59:31,700 --> 00:59:33,040 I guess so. 1397 00:59:33,950 --> 00:59:35,480 That's weird. 1398 00:59:35,910 --> 00:59:37,000 Yeah. 1399 00:59:37,350 --> 00:59:38,520 That is weird. 1400 00:59:45,140 --> 00:59:50,620 No one understands what I've been through 1401 00:59:53,190 --> 00:59:59,110 No one knows what it's like to be 1402 01:00:00,330 --> 01:00:04,420 I just lost my brother twin 1403 01:00:07,900 --> 01:00:12,430 Who also was my only friend 1404 01:00:15,470 --> 01:00:20,560 The only one who understands 1405 01:00:22,960 --> 01:00:24,260 Is... 1406 01:00:25,610 --> 01:00:26,880 [BOTH SIGH] 1407 01:00:27,400 --> 01:00:29,490 [MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES] 1408 01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:42,750 Jesus, Craig. 1409 01:00:42,950 --> 01:00:44,270 You look like shit. 1410 01:00:44,470 --> 01:00:46,010 I'm fine. Can it. 1411 01:00:46,210 --> 01:00:47,840 Hey, that's my job. 1412 01:00:48,040 --> 01:00:48,880 Shut up. 1413 01:00:49,080 --> 01:00:50,020 No, you shut up. 1414 01:00:50,220 --> 01:00:51,320 You know what? 1415 01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:53,210 Actually, fuck off. 1416 01:00:54,160 --> 01:00:55,990 Get the fuck out of here! 1417 01:00:59,910 --> 01:01:01,200 [GROANS] 1418 01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:03,420 Oh, hey, hey. Can I bum one of those? 1419 01:01:03,620 --> 01:01:05,380 Man, I already gave you a whole pack. 1420 01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:07,640 Aren't you supposed to be some sort of hung hotshot? 1421 01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:09,220 [SCOFFS] He was once. 1422 01:01:09,960 --> 01:01:11,430 But he got fired. 1423 01:01:11,630 --> 01:01:12,870 And I heard 1424 01:01:13,070 --> 01:01:15,080 that while his penis is large, 1425 01:01:15,280 --> 01:01:17,190 it's only slightly above average. 1426 01:01:18,750 --> 01:01:20,920 No. That's not true. 1427 01:01:21,120 --> 01:01:22,800 It's very large! 1428 01:01:23,280 --> 01:01:24,670 Come back! 1429 01:01:27,020 --> 01:01:28,420 - Harris. - Hmm? 1430 01:01:29,460 --> 01:01:31,240 I'm worried. 1431 01:01:31,940 --> 01:01:33,020 About us? 1432 01:01:33,220 --> 01:01:34,630 No, not about us. 1433 01:01:34,830 --> 01:01:37,240 We'll be friends, and sometimes we'll fuck. 1434 01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:40,200 Okay, yes, same page, precisely. 1435 01:01:40,400 --> 01:01:43,460 I was talking about the boys. 1436 01:01:43,660 --> 01:01:44,550 Oh, them. 1437 01:01:44,750 --> 01:01:46,390 What are we going to do? 1438 01:01:47,170 --> 01:01:48,380 I don't know. 1439 01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:50,080 Should we drown them in the bathtub 1440 01:01:50,280 --> 01:01:51,870 in the old-fashioned way? 1441 01:01:53,530 --> 01:01:54,600 [SIGHS] 1442 01:01:54,800 --> 01:01:56,170 GOD: They didn't drown them. 1443 01:01:56,370 --> 01:01:58,180 They kidnapped them. 1444 01:01:58,580 --> 01:02:00,400 [BOTH GASPING] 1445 01:02:01,400 --> 01:02:03,050 BOTH: Surprise! 1446 01:02:03,250 --> 01:02:05,700 Mom? Dad? What the fuck? 1447 01:02:05,900 --> 01:02:08,360 - And where's my beard? - Where's my beard? 1448 01:02:08,560 --> 01:02:09,530 Those beards were fucking awesome. 1449 01:02:09,730 --> 01:02:10,790 Yes. 1450 01:02:10,990 --> 01:02:13,060 - No, they were fake. - And shitty looking. 1451 01:02:13,260 --> 01:02:14,620 HARRIS: Exactly. 1452 01:02:14,820 --> 01:02:17,710 Boys, we see now that splitting you up at birth 1453 01:02:17,910 --> 01:02:19,380 was borderline abusive, 1454 01:02:20,080 --> 01:02:22,110 but parenting's hard. 1455 01:02:22,310 --> 01:02:25,240 Everyone makes mistakes, right? 1456 01:02:25,440 --> 01:02:28,110 That's it? That's why you kidnapped us? 1457 01:02:28,310 --> 01:02:31,330 Oh, can you even kidnap an adult? 1458 01:02:31,530 --> 01:02:33,420 - Yes. - CRAIG: Listen, 1459 01:02:33,620 --> 01:02:35,300 we didn't want to be kidnapped, all right? 1460 01:02:35,500 --> 01:02:37,170 - We wanted you to apologize. - Right. 1461 01:02:37,370 --> 01:02:39,130 We are apologizing. 1462 01:02:39,330 --> 01:02:41,520 We're sorry that you're mad at us, 1463 01:02:41,720 --> 01:02:43,610 and we'd rather that you not be. 1464 01:02:43,810 --> 01:02:46,050 You know what? We would love to not be mad at you, 1465 01:02:46,250 --> 01:02:49,530 if you would just do what we want and get married. 1466 01:02:49,730 --> 01:02:52,620 Oh, eat me. Not again. 1467 01:02:52,820 --> 01:02:55,750 - You two really are stubborn. - [SEWER BOYS SCREECHING] 1468 01:02:55,950 --> 01:02:57,060 You two are stubborn. 1469 01:02:57,260 --> 01:02:58,270 Uh-oh, dinnertime. 1470 01:02:58,470 --> 01:03:00,100 - Why won't you change for us? - Yes. 1471 01:03:00,300 --> 01:03:03,680 I don't even know what there is to change. 1472 01:03:04,510 --> 01:03:06,760 This, Dad. Change this. 1473 01:03:06,960 --> 01:03:09,500 - Oh! Now you've upset them. - [BOTH SCREECHING] 1474 01:03:09,700 --> 01:03:11,590 - Oh. - Oh. Careful. 1475 01:03:11,790 --> 01:03:13,200 They don't like sudden movements. 1476 01:03:13,400 --> 01:03:14,680 - Ugh. - Oh! 1477 01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:15,990 - [TREVOR SCREAMING] - Oh! 1478 01:03:16,190 --> 01:03:18,560 Oh, they're out. They're out. Ew, ew, ew! 1479 01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:22,170 - [HARRIS YELLING] - Motherfucker! 1480 01:03:22,370 --> 01:03:24,360 - Shut up! - [TOILET FLUSHING] 1481 01:03:25,140 --> 01:03:27,800 Backpack. Whisper. Dear God, no! 1482 01:03:29,800 --> 01:03:31,280 Sewer Boys. 1483 01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:33,500 My Sewer Boys. 1484 01:03:35,670 --> 01:03:38,490 They've returned to the slimy depths 1485 01:03:38,690 --> 01:03:40,290 from whence they came. 1486 01:03:40,940 --> 01:03:42,670 [SHUDDERING BREATH] 1487 01:03:42,870 --> 01:03:44,800 [PANTING] 1488 01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:46,320 They've gone down the pipes. 1489 01:03:46,520 --> 01:03:48,120 - Oh. - HARRIS: Back into the sewers. 1490 01:03:48,510 --> 01:03:49,670 I have to go after them. 1491 01:03:49,870 --> 01:03:50,940 CRAIG: [WHISPERING] Go after them? 1492 01:03:51,140 --> 01:03:53,200 But he's, like, 40 years old, I bet. 1493 01:03:53,400 --> 01:03:55,240 [SIGHS] What do we all think of this cape? 1494 01:03:55,440 --> 01:03:56,990 - [SNICKERS] - HARRIS: I know, 1495 01:03:57,190 --> 01:03:59,260 it's too drab. I'm gonna go with the Valentino. 1496 01:04:00,090 --> 01:04:03,120 EVELYN: Are you sure this is a good idea? 1497 01:04:03,320 --> 01:04:04,990 Sure as schadenfreude. 1498 01:04:05,190 --> 01:04:06,600 I'm going in. 1499 01:04:06,800 --> 01:04:10,620 A sometimes-gay man all alone in the sewers? 1500 01:04:10,930 --> 01:04:13,310 Seems dangerous. 1501 01:04:13,510 --> 01:04:14,580 It is, 1502 01:04:15,410 --> 01:04:17,110 but those Sewer Boys, 1503 01:04:17,670 --> 01:04:19,150 they're my whole life. 1504 01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:21,440 [SIGHS] 1505 01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:23,060 Au revoir,my dear. 1506 01:04:23,260 --> 01:04:25,320 - [GRUNTS] - EVELYN: Oh, oh. 1507 01:04:25,520 --> 01:04:27,190 - [HARRIS YELLS] - [EVELYN SCREAMS] 1508 01:04:27,390 --> 01:04:29,840 - [LOUD CRASH, WATER SPLASHING] - HARRIS: Goddamn it. 1509 01:04:30,040 --> 01:04:32,470 I just got these pants. 1510 01:04:33,470 --> 01:04:35,020 Come on, Mom, let's get you home. 1511 01:04:35,220 --> 01:04:36,240 But Harris is all alone and... 1512 01:04:36,440 --> 01:04:37,590 Oh, fuck him. 1513 01:04:37,790 --> 01:04:39,510 And what do you care? Don't you have to go back 1514 01:04:39,710 --> 01:04:41,300 to shutting out the entire world? 1515 01:04:42,960 --> 01:04:45,900 I'm 93 1516 01:04:46,100 --> 01:04:49,080 No, 94 1517 01:04:49,280 --> 01:04:52,390 That's not so bad 1518 01:04:52,590 --> 01:04:55,700 I do want 1519 01:04:55,900 --> 01:04:58,790 More 1520 01:04:58,990 --> 01:05:01,800 [CARRYING NOTE] 1521 01:05:16,690 --> 01:05:17,810 [SIGHS] 1522 01:05:18,010 --> 01:05:21,640 I'm coming, Harris! 1523 01:05:21,840 --> 01:05:23,330 - [LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING] - What the fuck? 1524 01:05:23,530 --> 01:05:24,900 Jesus Christ. 1525 01:05:25,100 --> 01:05:27,640 Ugh. We're not going in there, right? 1526 01:05:27,840 --> 01:05:29,610 No fucking way. 1527 01:05:33,230 --> 01:05:35,210 - I'm gonna go in. - Okay, then me, too. 1528 01:05:35,410 --> 01:05:37,650 BOTH: Whee! 1529 01:05:37,850 --> 01:05:39,130 [LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING] 1530 01:05:39,330 --> 01:05:41,320 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 1531 01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:47,240 I must run 1532 01:05:47,630 --> 01:05:49,660 To my boys 1533 01:05:49,860 --> 01:05:52,750 I must go I must run to my boys 1534 01:05:52,950 --> 01:05:53,930 - [OTHERS SCREAMING] - CRAIG: Dad! 1535 01:05:54,130 --> 01:05:56,020 My God, they came 1536 01:05:56,220 --> 01:05:57,670 Could it be that I was wrong? 1537 01:05:57,870 --> 01:05:59,060 [GASPS] 1538 01:05:59,260 --> 01:06:02,120 Was I running from my family all along? 1539 01:06:07,430 --> 01:06:09,160 Harris is so brave 1540 01:06:09,360 --> 01:06:11,250 The boys each found their twin 1541 01:06:11,450 --> 01:06:13,340 These men have charged back in my life 1542 01:06:13,540 --> 01:06:15,600 And changed it from within 1543 01:06:15,800 --> 01:06:17,690 Up is down 1544 01:06:17,890 --> 01:06:19,910 Left is right 1545 01:06:20,110 --> 01:06:22,830 And even underground 1546 01:06:23,030 --> 01:06:25,630 My world feels bright 1547 01:06:29,850 --> 01:06:31,660 I'm sorry we fought 1548 01:06:31,860 --> 01:06:34,060 Oh, my God, dude, me, too 1549 01:06:34,260 --> 01:06:37,970 My life's so much better when I am with you 1550 01:06:38,170 --> 01:06:39,970 It's not what I wanted 1551 01:06:40,170 --> 01:06:42,240 And yet, could it be? 1552 01:06:42,440 --> 01:06:45,600 Do we have a family? 1553 01:06:50,480 --> 01:06:51,900 I must run 1554 01:06:52,100 --> 01:06:54,210 - Harris is so brave - You're so fucking awesome 1555 01:06:54,410 --> 01:06:58,040 - Dude, you're awesome, too - My life's so much better 1556 01:06:58,240 --> 01:06:59,690 - When I am with you - These men 1557 01:06:59,890 --> 01:07:01,170 - Have charged back - They're here 1558 01:07:01,370 --> 01:07:02,780 - In my life - I fear that I was wrong 1559 01:07:02,980 --> 01:07:06,040 I've been running from my family all along 1560 01:07:06,240 --> 01:07:07,780 Do we have a family? 1561 01:07:07,980 --> 01:07:10,630 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 1562 01:07:11,450 --> 01:07:13,270 I can't believe 1563 01:07:13,470 --> 01:07:15,270 We are together 1564 01:07:15,470 --> 01:07:16,750 Underneath the city 1565 01:07:16,950 --> 01:07:19,060 Where it smells like piss 1566 01:07:19,260 --> 01:07:20,880 As a unit 1567 01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:23,320 We are so much better 1568 01:07:23,520 --> 01:07:25,990 I never thought it would be like this 1569 01:07:26,380 --> 01:07:28,200 Also, it smells like piss 1570 01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:30,300 It smells like piss 1571 01:07:31,470 --> 01:07:33,070 We're all down here together in the sewer 1572 01:07:33,270 --> 01:07:34,940 And it smells like fucking piss 1573 01:07:35,140 --> 01:07:37,260 [SEWER BOYS SCREAMING] 1574 01:07:37,780 --> 01:07:39,030 Backpack. Whisper. 1575 01:07:39,230 --> 01:07:41,560 MAN: Die, Sewer Boys, die. 1576 01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:43,040 Dear God! 1577 01:07:43,240 --> 01:07:45,820 - [MAN YELLING] - HARRIS: No! 1578 01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:47,560 No! Oh... 1579 01:07:47,760 --> 01:07:49,960 MAN: Die, die, die! 1580 01:07:50,160 --> 01:07:51,480 - Oh! Oh, God. - HARRIS: Oh! 1581 01:07:51,680 --> 01:07:53,530 Okay. All right, all right, all right, 1582 01:07:53,730 --> 01:07:55,010 all right, all right. 1583 01:07:55,210 --> 01:07:57,140 [COOING] 1584 01:07:57,340 --> 01:08:00,980 Mama's gonna need you to be brave, baby girl. 1585 01:08:01,940 --> 01:08:04,160 I know, I know, 1586 01:08:04,590 --> 01:08:06,230 but you got this. 1587 01:08:06,430 --> 01:08:07,500 All right. 1588 01:08:07,700 --> 01:08:10,470 [COOING] 1589 01:08:16,950 --> 01:08:18,870 [ROARING] 1590 01:08:20,350 --> 01:08:22,090 - [PUSSY GROWLING] - Oh! 1591 01:08:26,530 --> 01:08:27,600 Ooh! 1592 01:08:27,800 --> 01:08:29,040 Oh, my God. 1593 01:08:29,240 --> 01:08:32,570 Eat my snatch, you government piece of shit. 1594 01:08:32,770 --> 01:08:34,610 Are you all right? Oh... 1595 01:08:34,810 --> 01:08:37,660 Jesus, Mom, your pussy saved the day. 1596 01:08:37,860 --> 01:08:39,350 Backpack. Whisper. 1597 01:08:39,550 --> 01:08:41,670 - Oh. [KISSES] - [BOTH PURRING] 1598 01:08:42,590 --> 01:08:43,620 [SIGHS] 1599 01:08:43,820 --> 01:08:46,410 Wait a minute, are those... 1600 01:08:46,610 --> 01:08:48,450 their parents? 1601 01:08:48,650 --> 01:08:51,640 They're so fake and shitty looking. 1602 01:08:52,690 --> 01:08:54,730 - [SIGHS] - TREVOR: All right, 1603 01:08:55,170 --> 01:08:56,200 let's grab the little abortions 1604 01:08:56,400 --> 01:08:57,560 and get the fuck out of here. 1605 01:08:58,520 --> 01:08:59,820 [SIGHS] 1606 01:09:00,610 --> 01:09:01,690 No. 1607 01:09:02,780 --> 01:09:04,810 - Let them stay. - CRAIG AND EVELYN: What? 1608 01:09:05,010 --> 01:09:06,250 But you love them. 1609 01:09:06,450 --> 01:09:07,480 I do, 1610 01:09:08,350 --> 01:09:09,950 but they deserve to be with their family. 1611 01:09:10,150 --> 01:09:12,130 [CHITTERING] 1612 01:09:12,330 --> 01:09:13,230 And... 1613 01:09:14,050 --> 01:09:15,750 maybe when they're gone... 1614 01:09:17,230 --> 01:09:19,180 I'll finally have time to be with mine. 1615 01:09:19,380 --> 01:09:25,100 ALL: Aw... 1616 01:09:25,300 --> 01:09:26,620 - Does he mean us? - TREVOR: Yeah. 1617 01:09:26,820 --> 01:09:28,240 - I think he means us. - Oh, good. Okay. 1618 01:09:28,630 --> 01:09:30,100 Goodbye, Backpack. 1619 01:09:30,300 --> 01:09:32,330 - Bye. - Goodbye, Whisper. 1620 01:09:33,200 --> 01:09:35,680 SEWER BOY: Goodbye, Daddy. 1621 01:09:41,170 --> 01:09:42,870 Take care of yourselves. 1622 01:09:50,350 --> 01:09:53,490 Boys, I... I'm-I'm so sorry. 1623 01:09:54,490 --> 01:09:55,740 I was wrong. 1624 01:09:55,940 --> 01:09:57,130 And I was wrong. 1625 01:09:57,330 --> 01:09:58,780 BOTH: We were wrong, too. 1626 01:09:58,980 --> 01:10:00,520 - Mm. - Big hug? 1627 01:10:00,720 --> 01:10:02,000 - Oh, yeah. - Big hug. 1628 01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:03,180 - [HARRIS LAUGHING] - Family hug. 1629 01:10:03,380 --> 01:10:04,440 GOD: And so the twins 1630 01:10:04,640 --> 01:10:06,140 finally got the family 1631 01:10:06,340 --> 01:10:07,930 they never knew they wanted. 1632 01:10:09,680 --> 01:10:11,760 [SEWER FAMILY MUNCHING AND SLURPING] 1633 01:10:15,290 --> 01:10:17,060 GOD: They even decided to move in together, 1634 01:10:17,260 --> 01:10:19,930 to a little shitbox on the Lower East Side. 1635 01:10:20,130 --> 01:10:21,300 [BOTH SIGH] 1636 01:10:23,080 --> 01:10:24,560 [GROANING] 1637 01:10:26,300 --> 01:10:27,640 No. 1638 01:10:27,840 --> 01:10:29,260 No, I don't want... 1639 01:10:29,960 --> 01:10:31,030 Whatever. 1640 01:10:31,230 --> 01:10:33,120 No, not me. I can't. 1641 01:10:33,320 --> 01:10:35,210 [GASPING] 1642 01:10:35,410 --> 01:10:36,470 [BOTH SIGH] 1643 01:10:36,670 --> 01:10:39,000 - Craig, what's wrong? - Trevor, what's wrong? 1644 01:10:39,200 --> 01:10:40,820 I was having a nightmare. 1645 01:10:41,020 --> 01:10:43,130 - A nightmare I was gay. - Me, too. 1646 01:10:43,330 --> 01:10:45,520 I was having a gay nightmare, and I was gay in it. 1647 01:10:45,720 --> 01:10:48,180 Oh, come here. I got you. 1648 01:10:48,380 --> 01:10:50,400 - You're not gay. - You're not gay either. 1649 01:10:50,600 --> 01:10:51,800 I've got you. 1650 01:10:53,720 --> 01:10:55,020 [SIGHS] 1651 01:10:56,500 --> 01:10:57,800 - [SIGHS] - Oh. 1652 01:10:58,000 --> 01:10:59,900 - What is it? - I don't know. 1653 01:11:00,380 --> 01:11:03,320 I guess I just thought that if I got everything I ever wanted 1654 01:11:03,520 --> 01:11:05,240 - I'd somehow feel... - Complete? 1655 01:11:05,440 --> 01:11:07,680 Yeah, but I guess I still feel... 1656 01:11:07,880 --> 01:11:09,980 - Empty inside? - Yeah. 1657 01:11:10,180 --> 01:11:11,250 It's like I just wish there was... 1658 01:11:11,450 --> 01:11:12,510 Someone who has gone through 1659 01:11:12,710 --> 01:11:13,640 exactly what you've gone through 1660 01:11:13,840 --> 01:11:15,250 and know exactly how you feel? 1661 01:11:15,450 --> 01:11:16,700 Oh, my God, 1662 01:11:17,130 --> 01:11:18,910 I do have that person. 1663 01:11:19,110 --> 01:11:20,730 - That person is... - Me. 1664 01:11:20,930 --> 01:11:23,480 No. I was gonna say "you." 1665 01:11:23,680 --> 01:11:26,780 But, Trevor, when you say "you," 1666 01:11:26,980 --> 01:11:28,580 it means "me." 1667 01:11:29,710 --> 01:11:30,800 I... 1668 01:11:31,280 --> 01:11:32,980 I love you, Craig. 1669 01:11:34,540 --> 01:11:36,530 I love you, too, Trevor. 1670 01:11:36,730 --> 01:11:38,720 [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING] 1671 01:11:45,900 --> 01:11:46,990 [SPITS] 1672 01:11:49,910 --> 01:11:50,990 [SPITS] 1673 01:11:52,780 --> 01:11:54,690 [BOTH MOANING] 1674 01:12:00,260 --> 01:12:02,690 [NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA BY ASHLEY FAATOALIA PLAYING] 1675 01:12:02,890 --> 01:12:04,570 - [GRUNTING] - Oh, yeah! 1676 01:12:05,010 --> 01:12:06,340 [GRUNTING] 1677 01:12:06,540 --> 01:12:08,180 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1678 01:12:09,880 --> 01:12:12,000 - [OBJECTS SHATTERING] - Aw, fuck! 1679 01:12:12,200 --> 01:12:14,700 Oh, yeah! Oh! 1680 01:12:14,900 --> 01:12:17,060 [NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA CONTINUES] 1681 01:12:21,150 --> 01:12:23,060 - [SONG ENDS] - [RHYTHMIC BANGING] 1682 01:12:23,260 --> 01:12:26,250 - [CRAIG AND TREVOR GRUNTING] - What the fuck? 1683 01:12:28,160 --> 01:12:30,150 [BOTH SIGH] 1684 01:12:30,350 --> 01:12:33,240 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1685 01:12:33,440 --> 01:12:35,630 - Oh, my God. - Oh, wow. 1686 01:12:35,830 --> 01:12:37,810 - [LAUGHS] - [MOANS] 1687 01:12:38,010 --> 01:12:40,770 - That was so hot. - That was so hot. 1688 01:12:40,970 --> 01:12:43,600 And easy. Everything made sense and was comfortable. 1689 01:12:43,800 --> 01:12:45,300 - Easy, easy. - [SIGHS] 1690 01:12:45,500 --> 01:12:47,300 - Anal's easy. - Anal is easy. 1691 01:12:47,500 --> 01:12:49,340 It takes no practice to learn. 1692 01:12:49,540 --> 01:12:50,560 I didn't douche. Did you douche? 1693 01:12:50,760 --> 01:12:52,520 I didn't. No. I don't know what douching is. 1694 01:12:52,720 --> 01:12:53,800 CRAIG: Yeah. 1695 01:12:55,280 --> 01:12:56,350 [TREVOR SIGHS] 1696 01:12:56,550 --> 01:12:58,000 CRAIG: So, then after cumming, 1697 01:12:58,200 --> 01:13:00,020 we laid there cuddling all night. 1698 01:13:00,370 --> 01:13:02,440 - It was beautiful. - I feel so lucky 1699 01:13:02,640 --> 01:13:05,100 to have found the only person in the whole world 1700 01:13:05,300 --> 01:13:07,320 who is as smart, awesome, 1701 01:13:07,520 --> 01:13:09,360 big-dicked, and smart as me. 1702 01:13:09,560 --> 01:13:11,020 And as fate would have it, 1703 01:13:11,220 --> 01:13:13,320 the person most like me 1704 01:13:13,520 --> 01:13:16,020 is my identical twin. Crazy. 1705 01:13:16,220 --> 01:13:17,680 - Crazy. - It's crazy. 1706 01:13:17,880 --> 01:13:19,370 - It's crazy. - Crazy. 1707 01:13:19,570 --> 01:13:20,720 - Babe, look at me. - Yeah? 1708 01:13:20,920 --> 01:13:22,990 - It's crazy. - I'm sorry, I just... 1709 01:13:23,190 --> 01:13:24,960 I find this so moving. 1710 01:13:25,740 --> 01:13:27,690 Okay, if anyone has any reason 1711 01:13:27,890 --> 01:13:29,690 this couple should not be wed, 1712 01:13:29,890 --> 01:13:31,730 speak now or forever hold your... 1713 01:13:31,930 --> 01:13:33,870 - [DOOR BANGS OPEN] - [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING] 1714 01:13:34,070 --> 01:13:35,970 [SHOUTING ANGRILY] 1715 01:13:37,400 --> 01:13:39,350 WOMAN: This is not what the Bible says. 1716 01:13:39,550 --> 01:13:41,090 What the fuck? 1717 01:13:41,290 --> 01:13:43,310 You do the math. This don't work. 1718 01:13:43,510 --> 01:13:46,460 Stop, stop, stop, you fucking assholes! 1719 01:13:46,670 --> 01:13:49,140 I command you. 1720 01:13:49,340 --> 01:13:52,410 - Why should we listen to you? - OTHERS: Yeah! 1721 01:13:52,610 --> 01:13:56,420 Because I am God! 1722 01:13:57,250 --> 01:13:58,330 [ALL GASPING] 1723 01:13:58,530 --> 01:14:00,470 [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] 1724 01:14:13,530 --> 01:14:16,340 Now listen and listen good, 1725 01:14:16,540 --> 01:14:17,740 you self-righteous, 1726 01:14:17,940 --> 01:14:20,170 - judgmental flops. - [GASPING] 1727 01:14:20,370 --> 01:14:22,490 Two twin brothers marrying each other, 1728 01:14:22,880 --> 01:14:24,660 it sounds like an abomination, 1729 01:14:24,860 --> 01:14:26,890 and yet, it's not. 1730 01:14:27,760 --> 01:14:30,970 Because love in all its forms, 1731 01:14:31,170 --> 01:14:34,880 is a divine thing given to you by me, 1732 01:14:35,080 --> 01:14:38,100 who, again, is God. 1733 01:14:38,300 --> 01:14:40,850 But, Father, they're fucking twins. 1734 01:14:41,050 --> 01:14:42,430 Is that Sister Tammy? 1735 01:14:43,120 --> 01:14:45,240 [SCOFFS] You shouldn't judge. 1736 01:14:45,440 --> 01:14:47,240 An apple a day keeps the doctor away, 1737 01:14:47,440 --> 01:14:50,030 - but cum ain't apples. - [MURMURING] 1738 01:14:50,230 --> 01:14:51,640 - Gross! - Who is? 1739 01:14:51,840 --> 01:14:53,120 They are. 1740 01:14:53,320 --> 01:14:55,250 I don't do any of that nasty stuff. 1741 01:14:55,450 --> 01:14:58,080 I only have procreative sex with my wife. 1742 01:14:58,280 --> 01:15:00,170 - WOMAN: Yeah! - Lights off, eyes closed, 1743 01:15:00,370 --> 01:15:02,040 just as you intended, my Lord. 1744 01:15:02,240 --> 01:15:05,090 Don't put that shit on me, Steve. 1745 01:15:05,290 --> 01:15:08,220 Fucked up men, Yes, men, 1746 01:15:08,420 --> 01:15:10,830 took my words and changed the meaning. 1747 01:15:11,030 --> 01:15:14,920 I mean, you sticking your sloppy hard wiener 1748 01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:17,620 into your wife's wet hole? 1749 01:15:17,820 --> 01:15:19,710 That's disgusting, too. 1750 01:15:19,910 --> 01:15:22,100 Well, goddamn, if he ain't right about that. 1751 01:15:22,300 --> 01:15:23,150 When he explained it like that, 1752 01:15:23,350 --> 01:15:24,540 - I got it. - I never thought of it 1753 01:15:24,740 --> 01:15:26,240 - in that way. - I mean, it makes sense. 1754 01:15:26,440 --> 01:15:27,890 Look at these twins. 1755 01:15:28,090 --> 01:15:30,810 They're vile. Misogynists. 1756 01:15:31,010 --> 01:15:32,720 [SCOFFS] Pigs. Perverts. 1757 01:15:32,920 --> 01:15:35,420 - Depraved little sex pests... - Okay, we get it, God. 1758 01:15:35,620 --> 01:15:37,090 Yeah, relax, God. 1759 01:15:37,960 --> 01:15:39,950 But they love themselves, 1760 01:15:40,150 --> 01:15:42,570 in every sense of the word. 1761 01:15:43,140 --> 01:15:45,430 That's why I brought them together, 1762 01:15:45,630 --> 01:15:47,130 to teach you 1763 01:15:47,330 --> 01:15:50,100 that all love is love. 1764 01:15:51,320 --> 01:15:53,580 Damn, this story ended up good. 1765 01:15:54,320 --> 01:15:58,310 Oh, fuck it, I'm putting this one in the Bible. 1766 01:15:58,510 --> 01:16:00,590 [ALL CHEERING] 1767 01:16:02,940 --> 01:16:04,460 Oh, Harris. 1768 01:16:05,640 --> 01:16:08,370 We share a love 1769 01:16:08,570 --> 01:16:11,300 That can't be ignored 1770 01:16:11,600 --> 01:16:14,110 A love sent to us 1771 01:16:14,310 --> 01:16:15,810 From our holy fucking Lord 1772 01:16:16,010 --> 01:16:17,350 This guy. [GIGGLES] 1773 01:16:17,650 --> 01:16:20,470 I have no pussy 1774 01:16:20,670 --> 01:16:23,560 And I'm straight and gay 1775 01:16:23,760 --> 01:16:26,210 BOTH: People may judge us 1776 01:16:26,410 --> 01:16:32,320 But this is what we'll say 1777 01:16:32,750 --> 01:16:35,360 All love is love 1778 01:16:35,710 --> 01:16:38,370 Even when it's ugly 1779 01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:41,530 All love is love 1780 01:16:41,730 --> 01:16:44,540 Even when it's wrong 1781 01:16:44,740 --> 01:16:47,280 All love is love 1782 01:16:47,480 --> 01:16:52,280 Like a woman who fucks men made out of sand 1783 01:16:52,480 --> 01:16:54,980 All love is gross 1784 01:16:55,180 --> 01:16:58,240 But all love is love 1785 01:16:58,440 --> 01:17:00,420 You are my brother 1786 01:17:00,620 --> 01:17:03,870 My family, my kin 1787 01:17:04,220 --> 01:17:06,690 We share a bond 1788 01:17:06,890 --> 01:17:10,080 That comes from deep within 1789 01:17:10,280 --> 01:17:12,130 But our love has grown 1790 01:17:12,330 --> 01:17:15,740 Now it's ancient and divine 1791 01:17:15,940 --> 01:17:18,440 We'll fuck each other's assholes 1792 01:17:18,640 --> 01:17:24,720 Till we can't tell yours from mine 1793 01:17:25,240 --> 01:17:27,770 All love is love 1794 01:17:28,290 --> 01:17:31,410 Even when it's ugly 1795 01:17:31,610 --> 01:17:34,060 All love is love 1796 01:17:34,260 --> 01:17:37,500 Even when it's wrong 1797 01:17:37,700 --> 01:17:39,550 All love is love 1798 01:17:39,750 --> 01:17:43,860 Like a man who gets a blow job from a horse 1799 01:17:44,060 --> 01:17:47,470 - Wow. - All love is gross 1800 01:17:47,670 --> 01:17:50,610 But all love is love 1801 01:17:51,920 --> 01:17:53,340 - Oh! - Oh! 1802 01:17:53,540 --> 01:17:56,260 I now pronounce these twin brothers 1803 01:17:56,460 --> 01:17:57,650 legally married. 1804 01:17:57,850 --> 01:18:00,230 [ALL CHEERING] 1805 01:18:00,890 --> 01:18:02,440 [CHUCKLES] 1806 01:18:02,640 --> 01:18:04,800 That's got to be a first. That's got to be a first. 1807 01:18:05,500 --> 01:18:07,360 God loves all of you 1808 01:18:07,560 --> 01:18:09,760 because God is all of you. 1809 01:18:10,370 --> 01:18:12,620 God is man and woman. 1810 01:18:12,820 --> 01:18:15,150 God is Black and white. 1811 01:18:15,350 --> 01:18:17,630 God is straight and gay. 1812 01:18:17,830 --> 01:18:19,800 What, hold on, what? You're gay? 1813 01:18:20,000 --> 01:18:21,330 - GOD: Yeah, obviously... - [ALL GASP] 1814 01:18:21,530 --> 01:18:23,240 ...amongst other things, but my point is that... 1815 01:18:23,440 --> 01:18:25,470 No, totally, we hear you. God is gay. 1816 01:18:27,040 --> 01:18:31,730 All love is love All love is love 1817 01:18:31,930 --> 01:18:34,120 God is a faggot 1818 01:18:34,320 --> 01:18:35,650 And all love is love 1819 01:18:35,850 --> 01:18:36,950 That's not exactly my point. 1820 01:18:37,150 --> 01:18:41,740 All love is love All love is love 1821 01:18:41,940 --> 01:18:46,660 God is a faggot and all love is love 1822 01:18:46,860 --> 01:18:51,360 All love is love All love is love 1823 01:18:51,560 --> 01:18:55,490 God is a faggot and all love is love 1824 01:18:55,690 --> 01:18:56,670 Everybody! 1825 01:18:56,870 --> 01:18:57,970 [ALL SINGING] 1826 01:18:58,170 --> 01:18:59,250 Sing along! 1827 01:19:00,510 --> 01:19:01,640 Can't hear you. 1828 01:19:02,820 --> 01:19:04,210 TREVOR AND CRAIG: You're a bigot! 1829 01:19:06,170 --> 01:19:08,330 - All love is love - That's what I said. 1830 01:19:08,530 --> 01:19:10,200 - All love is love - GOD: Even incest. 1831 01:19:10,400 --> 01:19:12,160 - All love is love - GOD: Love a fruit. 1832 01:19:12,360 --> 01:19:13,420 All love is love 1833 01:19:13,620 --> 01:19:15,470 - Hallelujah! - All love is love 1834 01:19:15,670 --> 01:19:17,340 - All love is love - All love is love 1835 01:19:17,540 --> 01:19:18,470 All love is love 1836 01:19:18,670 --> 01:19:20,340 - All love is love - Oh 1837 01:19:20,540 --> 01:19:22,430 - All love is love - God is a faggot 1838 01:19:22,630 --> 01:19:24,610 - All love is love - Sing God is a faggot 1839 01:19:24,810 --> 01:19:27,000 - All love is love - Oh, God is a faggot 1840 01:19:27,200 --> 01:19:28,180 - All love is love - Yeah 1841 01:19:28,380 --> 01:19:29,660 All love is love 1842 01:19:29,860 --> 01:19:30,880 Yay, yeah! 1843 01:19:31,080 --> 01:19:32,890 [BOTH SINGING] 1844 01:19:36,850 --> 01:19:38,450 Check out the New New Testament. 1845 01:19:38,650 --> 01:19:40,060 Coming this Christmas. 1846 01:19:40,260 --> 01:19:42,890 - [ALL CHEERING] - And all love 1847 01:19:43,090 --> 01:19:46,020 Is love 1848 01:19:46,220 --> 01:19:48,170 [CARRYING NOTE] 1849 01:19:53,870 --> 01:19:54,810 [MUSIC ENDS] 1850 01:19:55,010 --> 01:19:57,640 The end. 1851 01:19:57,840 --> 01:19:59,770 [LAUGHING] 1852 01:19:59,970 --> 01:20:01,920 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 1853 01:20:04,010 --> 01:20:05,000 [GASPS] 1854 01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:06,690 - Surprise! - Surprise! 1855 01:20:06,890 --> 01:20:08,880 Oh, I looked right into camera. 1856 01:20:13,930 --> 01:20:15,110 [LAUGHING] 1857 01:20:17,760 --> 01:20:19,590 It doesn't really go in there. 1858 01:20:19,850 --> 01:20:21,710 [MAN SPEAKING] 1859 01:20:21,910 --> 01:20:23,160 - Spit it? - MAN: Yeah. 1860 01:20:29,290 --> 01:20:30,860 [LAUGHTER] 1861 01:20:33,650 --> 01:20:35,340 Yes, we can. 1862 01:20:41,220 --> 01:20:42,610 [NATHAN LANE LAUGHING] 1863 01:20:43,180 --> 01:20:45,660 Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up. 1864 01:20:47,090 --> 01:20:48,780 [LAUGHING] 1865 01:20:48,980 --> 01:20:52,090 Kids, listen, we love you, but 1866 01:20:52,290 --> 01:20:56,660 we will never... get married. 1867 01:20:56,860 --> 01:20:58,530 [LAUGHING] 1868 01:20:58,730 --> 01:20:59,760 BOTH: Mom? 1869 01:21:05,500 --> 01:21:07,620 Let's go home and discuss it, eh? 1870 01:21:07,820 --> 01:21:09,890 Let's go home and get in the bed 1871 01:21:10,090 --> 01:21:11,630 and discuss it in my puss. 1872 01:21:11,830 --> 01:21:12,950 [LAUGHS] 1873 01:21:15,730 --> 01:21:18,160 CRAIG: ...if you do what we want and get married. 1874 01:21:18,360 --> 01:21:20,250 - [GROANS] - Oh, for fuck's sake. 1875 01:21:20,450 --> 01:21:21,550 Eat me. 1876 01:21:21,750 --> 01:21:23,610 [LAUGHING] 1877 01:21:26,260 --> 01:21:28,250 Tiddles. Titties. Craig. 1878 01:21:28,450 --> 01:21:30,730 Trevor Brock. My two top salesmen. 1879 01:21:30,930 --> 01:21:32,870 I feel like it says "Titties." I keep forgetting. 1880 01:21:33,070 --> 01:21:34,320 [LAUGHTER] 1881 01:21:38,930 --> 01:21:40,190 [GASPS] 1882 01:21:45,850 --> 01:21:49,140 Of all the humiliations I've had in show business, 1883 01:21:49,340 --> 01:21:50,750 and they are legion, 1884 01:21:50,950 --> 01:21:53,450 this may be the most humiliating moment... 1885 01:21:53,650 --> 01:21:55,580 - [LAUGHTER] - ...I've ever had. 1886 01:21:55,780 --> 01:21:57,280 [MAN SPEAKING] 1887 01:21:57,480 --> 01:21:58,820 [COUGHS] 1888 01:22:01,690 --> 01:22:03,590 [JOSH SHARP SPEAKING] 1889 01:22:03,790 --> 01:22:05,900 - [AARON JACKSON SPEAKING] - [LAUGHS] 1890 01:22:06,100 --> 01:22:07,220 MAN: Set. 1891 01:22:08,780 --> 01:22:10,640 My prize pig. 1892 01:22:10,840 --> 01:22:11,910 CRAIG: I wanna be a prize pig. 1893 01:22:12,110 --> 01:22:13,340 Hey, baby, 1894 01:22:13,540 --> 01:22:16,130 you could be a prize pig in my bed when I fuck you. 1895 01:22:16,330 --> 01:22:17,970 [LAUGHTER] 1896 01:22:21,840 --> 01:22:23,930 - Okay. - [LAUGHTER] 1897 01:22:25,540 --> 01:22:27,020 Oh, my God. 1898 01:22:28,370 --> 01:22:29,890 Oh, my God. 1899 01:22:30,940 --> 01:22:34,380 I am the lady, the bitch, the boss, rich... 1900 01:22:34,770 --> 01:22:36,410 Don't put a gender on my title. 1901 01:22:36,610 --> 01:22:38,060 Yeah, and, lady, I'm Craig, so... 1902 01:22:38,260 --> 01:22:40,160 Lady? Yes, um, well... 1903 01:22:40,510 --> 01:22:42,110 I forgot what the fuck I was supposed to say. 1904 01:22:42,310 --> 01:22:44,240 [LAUGHTER] 1905 01:22:44,440 --> 01:22:45,850 Oh, this time, let's improvise. 1906 01:22:46,050 --> 01:22:47,940 - [LAUGHTER] - Oh, God, no. 1907 01:22:48,140 --> 01:22:49,770 That's-that's bad. 1908 01:22:49,970 --> 01:22:52,030 'Cause then it's just a lot of potty talk. 1909 01:22:52,230 --> 01:22:54,030 - Mom! - Dad! 1910 01:22:54,230 --> 01:22:55,730 - Dad? - Mommy! 1911 01:22:55,930 --> 01:22:56,880 MAN: Cut! 1912 01:22:58,660 --> 01:23:00,560 I hope he's a big macho guy like me. 1913 01:23:00,760 --> 01:23:03,390 Um, yeah, listen, I would love to talk about that, obviously, 1914 01:23:03,590 --> 01:23:05,650 but this is actually Mom's house, so I got to go now. 1915 01:23:05,850 --> 01:23:06,830 Oh, God! 1916 01:23:07,030 --> 01:23:08,920 [LAUGHING] 1917 01:23:09,120 --> 01:23:11,050 Okay, bye-bye. [LAUGHS] 1918 01:23:11,250 --> 01:23:12,530 MAN: Yeah, that's good, but I think 1919 01:23:12,730 --> 01:23:14,490 also maybe a little more open-handed, if possible. 1920 01:23:14,690 --> 01:23:15,800 - Okay. - MAN: Yeah, like that. 1921 01:23:16,000 --> 01:23:17,230 - That's good. Okay, good. - Yeah. Oh, God. 1922 01:23:17,430 --> 01:23:18,450 - MAN: Thank you. - Oh, God. 1923 01:23:18,650 --> 01:23:19,670 - Ugh. God... - MAN: Oh, God. 1924 01:23:19,870 --> 01:23:21,110 Open-handed pussy. 1925 01:23:21,310 --> 01:23:23,250 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1926 01:23:26,380 --> 01:23:28,420 - [CRIES OUT] - [LAUGHING] 1927 01:23:28,620 --> 01:23:30,900 - Hop on. - [GRUNTS] 1928 01:23:31,100 --> 01:23:32,250 Yeah, get right under here, 1929 01:23:32,450 --> 01:23:33,860 - you'll feel much better. - Okay. 1930 01:23:34,060 --> 01:23:35,420 EVELYN: Oh. Oh. HARRIS: Oh! 1931 01:23:35,620 --> 01:23:36,660 [EVELYN SPEAKING] 1932 01:23:38,740 --> 01:23:40,660 Shh. 1933 01:23:45,620 --> 01:23:47,320 Shh. 1934 01:23:48,360 --> 01:23:50,130 - I loved a girl some... - Shh. [LAUGHS] 1935 01:23:50,330 --> 01:23:51,270 [LAUGHS] 1936 01:23:51,470 --> 01:23:53,410 [UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES] 1937 01:23:54,240 --> 01:23:57,140 Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. 1938 01:23:57,340 --> 01:23:59,530 Single-parent homes are not families, that's true. 1939 01:23:59,730 --> 01:24:02,770 Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. Fuck! 1940 01:24:04,990 --> 01:24:06,500 [LAUGHING] 1941 01:24:06,700 --> 01:24:09,980 That's-that's my other autobiography title. 1942 01:24:10,180 --> 01:24:12,160 - [LAUGHTER] - "Fresh bag of ham." 1943 01:24:12,360 --> 01:24:15,720 No! No! 1944 01:24:15,920 --> 01:24:17,740 No! [COUGHS] 1945 01:24:18,740 --> 01:24:21,340 Surprise, I'm in this movie. 1946 01:24:21,540 --> 01:24:23,300 [LAUGHTER] 1947 01:24:23,500 --> 01:24:27,080 I do want 1948 01:24:27,280 --> 01:24:29,830 More... 1949 01:24:30,030 --> 01:24:33,090 [CLEARS THROAT] Sorry. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 1950 01:24:33,290 --> 01:24:34,670 And cut. 1951 01:24:35,020 --> 01:24:36,500 [MUSIC CONTINUES] 1952 01:26:02,580 --> 01:26:06,570 It's a gay old life 1953 01:26:06,770 --> 01:26:12,100 - Being queer - I have no pussy 1954 01:26:12,300 --> 01:26:14,250 [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] 139302

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.