All language subtitles for MacGyver.2016.S01E16.1080p.WEBRip.x265-HiQVE_track3_[eng]

I had a dream about this once.
You know what happened?

You died?

How'd you guess?

'Cause you die
in all your dreams.

Oh.

Hey... are you sure
this is quicksand?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
this is still quicksand.

Okay, all right.

There's no reason to
get spicy about it.

I'm just asking.

Drowning in quicksand--

you'd think it'd be fun, bro.

This has got to be, like,
one of the worst ways to die.

Well, you'll be happy to know
that most people

don't even die from drowning
in quicksand.

It's a colloid hydrogel.

It's made of sand,
clay and water.

Oh, I was wrong.

Drowning in quicksand while
getting a science lecture--

that's the worst way to die.

You're not listening.
I'm listening.

Most people
don't die from drowning.

They die of, like,
sun exposure,

dehydration,
or, uh, you know...

starvation.

Or if...
if we're really unlucky,

the pressure can cause
deep vein thrombosis.

Okay, all right, that's
enough. No. Stop.
Which can lead to embolization.

That's enough. I get it,
I get it. Just...
I don't want that.

Thank you, Doctor.

Can't... can't you just use
that big stupid head of yours

and make, like, a grappling hook
or a helicopter or a blender?

I'll have margaritas
right now. Just...

(flies buzzing)

Just get us out of this.

(groans)

We need one of your
brilliant ideas.

I think... Yeah.

I-I got one.
(chuckles)

I got one.

Oh, you got it. Do it.

Okay.

(screams):
Help!

That-That's the solution?

You have a better idea?

You know I don't.

BOTH (screaming):
Help!

*

I don't know
how much longer I can...

(toy squeaks)

Hey! That's not fair.

I beg to differ.
The dare was to see

if you could hang
for five minutes.

Nobody said anything
about waterfowl bombardment.

Hey!
(laughs)

And three, two, one,

time!
(phone beeps)

Oh, yes.
(MacGyver whoops)

JACK:
(chuckles) Very nice.

Well, I guess that means
it's my turn.

All right, old man...

truth or dare?

Let's go truth.

ALL: What happened
between you and Matty?

I mean, let's go dare.

You guys are killing me.
Look...

Matty just got mad
because I called an audible

and skipped out on an exfil.

That's it.
She gets very surly

when you disobey a direct order.

Jack...
And...

despite what she said,

I think she was very happy
I survived that quicksand.

Come on, bro.
You know we're not talking about

what happened in Uruguay.

We want to know what happened
between you and Matty

when you were
working under her at the CIA.

And, again,
maybe we should go dare.

Have you guys seen how much
hot sauce I can drink?

RILEY: Look, I was skeptical
about getting a new boss,

but after San Francisco,
I'm Team Matty.

Yeah, we all are.

Except for you.

The past is the past.

Matty and I are all good.

If you're really all good,
then why isn't she here?

Weren't you supposed
to invite her?

Was I?
(scoffs)

Okay.

You guys want to know
the real story?

Yeah.

When Matty and I met,

I was going through
a really rough time.

My marriage was on the rocks.

What-- You were married?

Not for long.

Holly and I were separated.

She was working in Los Angeles,

and it was Christmastime.

You know,
I wanted to go out there

and see if I could
patch things up.

When I get there,
terrorists

seize the building
where she worked.

ALL:
Nakatomi Plaza.

That's the plot of Die Hard.

Is it?

BOZER:
Is it?

Well, guess that means
you picked dare.

Drink up, McClane.
JACK: Fine.

Cheers.

(phone chimes)

(sighs)

JACK: We got your
message, boss.

'Sup?

What's wrong with you, Dalton?

What?

Oh. Uh... I'm fine.

Okay, well, when Jack's
miserable, I'm happy.

Let's get to work.

Meet Aaron Deckard.

Works for an international
Armenian crime syndicate

as their fixer.

His boss, Armin Morsofian,
is believed to have killed

at least 19 law enforcement
officers around the world.

But no one's ever
been able to prove it,

because every time
Morsofian drops a body,

Deckard makes it disappear.

Until now.

Four days ago,
Deckard was stopped

in St. Louis for speeding.

When police checked his trunk,
they found three body bags,

a shovel,
and a whole lot of bleach.

To be fair, though, there's,
like, 12 different things

he could've been
doing with that.

Yeah, you're right, though,

he's probably
just burying bodies.

Police questioned Deckard
for hours,

but the only thing
that they could hold him on

was a possession of

an unregistered firearm.

So when Deckard made bail...

He made himself disappear.

Yes.

JACK:
Yeah, I've had to deal with

a couple of fixers in my day.

They're smart, slippery.

Dude's not gonna be
that easy to catch.

Well, that's why you get paid
the big bucks, Jack.

It's the medium bucks, Matty.

And you don't know
how much I make anyways.

I sign your paychecks.

Oh.
And if you want me
to sign another one,

you're gonna go get Deckard.

All right. Fine, we'll get him.
Where's he at?

Phoenix analysts have identified
a string of stolen vehicles

starting in St. Louis
and heading south.

BOZER:
So dude's, like,

Grand Theft Auto-ing
his way to Mexico?

Deckard's got enough dirt
on Morsofian

to bring down
his entire organization.

But if he leaves the country,

we may never see him
or his intel

on the Armenian
syndicate again.

Mac, Jack...

...go get me Deckard.

On my way.

*

* Now, when I was
just a little boy *

* Standin'...

Okay, we are

only a couple miles
behind Deckard's stolen car.

At our current speed,

I'd say we get there
in about ten minutes.

All right, good.

Which also means
we have ten minutes

to talk about
whatever we want talk about.

Anything.

Anything from your past,

anything you want
to get off your chest?

Nope.

No?

No.

You want to know what happened
between me and Matty?

Yeah, well...
Huh? No? Ah, yeah, okay.

Okay, fine. Fine, I'll tell you.
I don't care.

We were undercover,

on this offshore
oil rig with this

ragtag group
of roughnecks.

Everything was cool, too.

Till the boys and girls
from NASA showed up.

And ask you to keep an asteroid
from destroying the Earth?

That's right.
How'd you know?

That's Armageddon, dude.
Was it?

I've seen it three times,
because you've made me watch

every Bruce Willis movie
three times.

And you're a
better man for it.

Just-- Why won't you
tell me what happened?

It was the worst moment
of my career, okay?

Worse than Cairo?

Yeah, I wish it was
only as bad as Cairo.

And, you know, I really wish

that we'd stop
talking about this right now.

(phone chimes)

Looks like you're
gonna get that wish.

Deckard's car is only
a half a mile away.

There it is. Looks empty.

There's two sets of skid marks.

Think he ran somebody off
the road to steal another car?

Well, maybe.

Ooh!
(both coughing)

Oh, it reminds me of that
hot sauce, only in my eyes.

Oh.

It's military-grade
pepper spray.

(sighs)

You know, Deckard did have
a ton of open warrants.

You think the police
ran him off the road?

Might check that out.

That is where a cop would hit
him to execute a PIT maneuver.

Wrong color, though.
Oh?

Judging by the impact
height, though,

I'd say we're
looking for a truck.

Four-by-four with a lift kit.
Cherry red.

Okay, so, flashy car,
precision driving.

You know, this doesn't sound
like the handiwork of the po-po.

Sounds more like a
bounty hunter to me.

Well, there's your
red pickup, hoss.

This has got to be it.

Oh, yeah.

Want to see if Riley
can use this to give us

the name of
that bounty hunter.

Yeah, well,

maybe she can use it
to tell us

what the hell
he's doing in here.

You know,
most bounty hunters

hightail it right to the nearest
police station with their mark,

they don't stop
and have a brewski.

MacGYVER:
Couple cold ones, please.

BARTENDER:
You got it.

I don't know,
maybe we got lucky and, uh,

our guy's just
not that bright.
Yeah, maybe.

MAN:
And bam!

I ran him off the road,
pepper-sprayed his ass,

and hogtied him
in the back of my truck.

Soon as I turn him in,
cha-ching, baby. (laughs)

He's not exactly a needle
in a haystack, now, is he?

Mm-mm. I see him,
but where's Deckard?

Mm. I don't know.

But he seems chatty;
let's go ask him.

Can I get next?

Good timing.

You rack.

So I thought I overheard you say
you were a bounty hunter?

Bail recovery agent.

Wow.

That's... that's badass.

Very.

MacGYVER:
So this guy you caught--

you have him all tied up?

You're not worried
he's gonna escape?

(Jack chuckles)

What he's saying is

d-did they try
to get away?

Did they try to run from you?

(chuckles) Nah, man.

Soon as I get 'em,
they don't get free.

Yeah, I would imagine

losing a fugitive is a big no-no
in your line of work.

Well, why don't y'all tell me.

Since you're obviously
in the same line of work.

(laughs)

What would make you say
something like that?

Two strangers in a plain wrap,

straddling the speed limit
on a road

used by mostly locals.

Yeah, I made y'all on
Deckard's tail a few miles back.

Forced me to step
up my timetable

and dent my truck.

So I thought I'd stop off
for a drink, draw you out.

Take a good look
at the competition. (scoffs)

Well, since everything's
out in the open...

...why don't you go ahead
and do yourself a favor.

Hand him over.

Well, I got a better idea.
Hmm?

Why don't the two of you
back the hell off

and let me deliver my skip.

That's not gonna happen.

Yeah. Odds aren't in your favor.
It's two against one.

Actually,

it's two against....

all of them.

BILLY: When you're done
with them, boys,

make sure
they don't go anywhere.

JACK: Oh, you guys are...
you guys are together.

BILLY:
Amazing how many friends you can
buy with a free round of drinks.

Just one round?
Well, what a cheapskate.

Oh. Watch out for Ned there.

He's a biter.

All right, I'll leave
you boys to your fun.

(grunting)

JACK: Hey, Mac, I could use
a little help here, man!

MacGYVER:
That's what I'm doing.

Seriously?
I thought he was kidding.

All yours. I got Deckard.

Come on, let's go.

Get in there. Let's go.
Get up.

(engine starts)

(truck horn honking)

JACK:
What are you doing?

Huh? Wh-What
are you doing?

I almost just got
my face chewed off,

and you're just standing around?
Where is he? Did you let him go?

Not exactly.
Is he gone?

Give me your phone.

No way, man. Every time
I hand you my phone, I end up

at the Genius Bar, explaining
to them why my phone's glued

to a football or wired
to a vacuum cleaner.

Use yours.

I already did. I just need
your phone to call Riley.

Dude.

(line rings)

Hey, Riley. You still have
a bead on my phone, right?

Excellent. Thanks.

He's heading north.

Give me my phone.

Okay, let me get
this straight.

Two highly-trained
government operatives

got out-maneuvered by a local

low-rent bounty hunter.
(laughs)

We like to think of it
as a temporary setback.

Yeah.
MATTY: Think of it
however you like, Mac.

Bottom line:
you two got punked.

JACK: Okay. Well, um, thanks
for the pep talk there, boss.

That really helps.

Did you get an I.D. on
that bounty hunter yet?

His plates led nowhere.
They're fake.

Hmm. So whoever
this guy is, he's smart.

Not smarter than us.

Mac, your quick-and-dirty
tracker just stopped moving.

I'm sending you
GPS coordinates now.

Thank you.

Hey, if this guy's
at another trucker bar...

Yeah, we're buying everybody
two rounds of drinks.

Exactly.
I got it.

JACK:
Déjà vu, man.

We've seen this before.

You could've just
said "déjà vu."

Yeah, exactly.
You know, it's a little odd

he would bring
Deckard to a diner.

Who cares? As long as he's here.

I'll get a picture
of the VIN number.
Yeah.

Pretty easy to fake a plate,
but not a VIN.

(computer trilling)

All right, trace on
the VIN's up and running.

(talking quietly)

Yes?

Bozer.

Mm-hmm?

Right now you're at
about zero percent chill.

I need you to up that
to about 60. Yeah?

Sixty.

Yeah.
Got it.

Okay.
Is this good?

Just don't say anything.

And don't do that with
your face, all right?

Okay. Okay.

I was thinking about that thing
we talked about earlier.

You mean whatever's going on
between Jack and Matty?

Yeah. I did
some sniffing around,

and I got the CIA file

on Jack and Matty's
last mission together.

But it's heavily encrypted.

I need some time
to break in.

Great. Let's
get to work.

Unless you know how to break

4,096-bit
military-grade encryption,

how about I get to work

and you find a place for me
to do that work?

I need to borrow
Phoenix's servers

for a few hours, uninterrupted.

I got you. I know
just the place.

Hey, be ready, okay?

This guy knows
what we look like,

so things could pop off
in here pretty... quick.

(mellow country music playing)

MacGYVER:
Or not at all.

Well, I told you
the guy was slippery.

You got to give him credit.

Maybe he actually
is in the bathroom.

Hi. Welcome to Mama's.

Y'all take a seat
anywhere you like.

I'll be right with you.

Sorry to bother you, ma'am,

but we're actually looking
for a man.

Well, so am I, sugar.

So you gonna have to be a little
bit more specific than that.

Well, actually,
it's two men.

One's about six foot tall;
he's got these big old

popcorn muscles,
lot of attitude.

Drives the cherry red pickup
parked out front.

He might be traveling
with this man.

Never seen the man there
in the picture,

but the man driving that truck,

he was sitting in that
booth a little while ago.

Saw him get up and go
to that bathroom in the back.

You might want to clear
your place out, ma'am.

Why? There gonna be any trouble?

'Cause Mama don't like
no trouble in her diner.

No. Mama, we're no
fans of diner trouble.

Just gonna have

a little chat
with the guy.

Yeah, well... go on, then.

(phone rings)

Riley, now is really
not a good time.

RILEY: Yeah, it is, Mac,
'cause I got bad news.

The bounty hunter's VIN number
just came back with an I.D.

Okay. How is
that bad news?

Truck belongs to a Billy Colton.

Let me guess.

Their address is right where
we're standing.

Welcome to the
Colton Family Bail Bonds.

Now, how can I help y'all today?

All right, boys.
Rules are simple here.

I don't like no
lying in my diner.

So when I ask you something,
you're gonna tell me the truth.

You understand?

JACK: Yes, ma'am.
Of course.

Mm-hmm.

My buttermilk pie.

I've been
tweaking the recipe.

Thinking about
adding it to the menu,

so I want your...

honest opinion.

Well, we're not really hungry
right now.

No one refuses Mama.

Just eat the damn pie.

MAMA:
Y'all want to start by

telling us who you are?

(dishes clinking)

(sighs)

Well, I'm MacGyver.
This is Jack.

We're bail bondsmen,
just like you guys.

We saw the bounty
posted on Deckard,

and figured it'd
be easy money.

Are you kiddin' me?

You know, this is
the best damn thing

that's ever
happened to my mouth.

Thank you, dear.

You really
ought to try it

with a shot of my moonshine.

JACK: Oh, I'd love to.
MAMA: A little whipped cream?

JACK: Yeah, that's good.
MacGYVER: Yeah, I'll try
some of that.

(knife bangs on counter)

Now didn't I just

tell you not to
lie to me, sugar?

I know bounty hunters,

and y'all ain't no
bounty hunters.

Ex-military, maybe.

And if I had to wager,

I would say that
you were Delta.

I don't know what you're...

Oh, callous on
your gun hand.

The way Deltas were
trained to reload.

So let's try this again.

You want to tell us
who you really are?

Well... (sighs)

we work for
the government.

What agency?

Listen, I cannot tell you that.

But I can tell you
that we're here for Deckard,

so whatever the bounty is
on him, we'll double it.

Do I look like I can be bought?

So tell us who you're
handing him off to.

We'll go the official route...
Yeah, right.

Make sure you all
still get paid.

Yeah, be all copasetic.

MAMA:
No disrespect, son,

but somebody who is not

on the up and up with
me from the get-go

is somebody I just can't trust.

Besides, we Coltons,

we got a code.

We sign a contract,
we finish the deal.

Now, what good would we be
if we didn't keep our word?

Well, you make
one hell of a pie.

And you...

You come up in here
trying to cause

some big old ruckus
with my boy Billy,

trying to mess
up our contract.

Now, you know we can't
let that stand.

(laughter)

That's good.
Ooh!

You should've seen
these boys' faces!

Look at them.

Looking like you think we
gonna kill you or something.

(laughter)

That was good.

As much as I like
you boys...

I really think it's best we
don't never see y'all again.

Probably-probably a good idea.

Yeah, yeah. It's-it's...

for the best.
Yeah.
Yeah.

If that's the case, I think
we'll just, you know...
Bounce.

...say thanks for the pie.
Thank you, and be on our way.

Oh, now, come on, sugar.

I may be sweet,
but I ain't stupid.

So Jesse and Billy here, they're
gonna give y'all a ride so far

out of town that y'all can't

make no more trouble
around here.

(quietly): I don't think
horses eat buttermilk pie.

No.

Okay, so now we know
where Deckard is.

Let's just figure out
a way to grab him

and all get out of here
in one piece.

Yeah, you think you
can figure out a way

to piss
these guys off?

Billy!

How come you didn't get
a piece of pie, huh?

Mama mad at you?

Just keep walking, Tex.

Okay. All right.

Leave him be, Billy.
Mama said...

I know what Mama said, Jesse.

All right, now, now,
hang on a second.

This is your sister.
That's no way to talk to her.

She's just trying to help.
You know, it's probably

that attitude that cost you
the pie in the first place.

Nah. Baby Brother's
on Mama's list

for botching a
big job last month.

Lost a mark and cost us
a million-dollar bond.

Billy, what are you doing?

Y-You're putting the whole
family business at risk here.

Why you think I took
this job, dumbass?

Deckard pays two mil.

Yeah, and taking the job without
talking to her only pissed

her off more. All you got
to do is say sorry, B.

That's all Mama wants.
Yeah, yeah.

Just-just say you're sorry, B.

Exactly.

(grunting)

(both coughing)

Frank, get out here!

(coughs) Come on! Stop 'em!
JACK: Ow! Man!

Maybe warn me before you-you
mace everybody next time, okay?

(groans)
That was almost as bad
as the hot sauce.

Almost?
Yeah, well, this

I'm only gonna feel once.
That hot sauce,

you know, I felt a couple times.

But it worked.
MacGYVER: Just told Phoenix

we got Deckard, and Matty
just sent the exfil coordinates.

So, um, yeah,
keep heading north.

That was a really good job
with that pie bit.

Oh, yeah, well, it wasn't
that hard to spot the crack

between Billy and his mama.

You just had to apply pressure

and, blam, you just split
those two right apart. (sniffs)

What? You want to have
a staring contest? I'm driving.

You seriously don't see this?

See what?

You, Matty. Billy, Mama.

Oh, Mac, Riley, Bozer.

I can rattle off names, too,
if that's what we're doing here.

This thing between you and Matty

is the same thing
as Billy and Mama.
Mm.

Billy did something wrong,
and he won't apologize for it.

That rift in their team is
the only reason that we escaped.

Well, you're welcome.

And that rift
between you and Matty

makes our team
just as vulnerable.

No, there is nothing wrong
with our team.

Why are you doing that
to me right now?

We got Deckard in the back,
brother.

We're getting away no prob...

(gunshot)
(tires screeching)

Whoa, hang on, hang on!

You were saying?

Got something.

An old video

in Jack and Matty's case file
labeled "Incident Report."

So we're finally gonna see
what happened to them?

Mm-hmm.
Jackpot.

Or Jack-and-Matty-pot.

(chuckles)

Yeah, I'll work
on that one.
Okay.

(clicks tongue)
This isn't a video file.

It's loading a video chat.

No, no, no,
no, no, no,

no, n...

Well, this is disappointing.

Matty...
We can explain.

I expected you two
to go pawing through my past

weeks ago to find this file.

You planted a fake video?

You knew what we were up to
this whole time?

Very little goes on around here

without me knowing
about it, Bozer.

And when agents get distracted,
missions go badly.

Case in point:
while you two have been busy

violating the Espionage Act,

Mac and Jack seem to have
gotten themselves in trouble.

Again.

So get your butts upstairs now.

Okay.

Let's go, Slick.
Ooh, Billy,

what is that cologne
you're wearing?

Is that
that eau de toilet stuff?

That toilet cologne?
Look, watch it, Tex.

Well, I'm just saying.
You-you smell...

fantastic.

This ain't what you want.

Okay, okay.
You know what,
I'll take Yosemite Sam.

You make sure the Boy Scout
can't get loose.

Hands behind your back.
Yosemite Sam?

Turn around.

Ooh, ooh.

Put your hands
behind your back.

Ah!

I can tell you've
done this before.

It's my favorite
part of the job.

Get your feet out.

Oh, come on, the feet, too?
Yep.

Seriously, Billy,
why do you smell like a pooper?

You got one more time.
Okay.

If Mama ever sees
either of you again,

you're both gonna get more
than a slice of pie, so...

stay put, huh?

Ooh, the rough stuff.
I like that.

You're really sweet.
Cute, too.

(engines revving)

Okay, if I can pry one of
these things out, these bars,

maybe I can use it
as a lever.

A lever to do what,
man? Just use this.

(chuckles)

Where did you get that?
I swiped it off Billy when I
was pissing him off out there.

You like that?
Wait, you know what?

You hold it, I'll dial.
Yeah, yeah. There you go.

And you say I get distracted.

That was a pretty cool
move right there.

Uh, well, last I checked,
we were zip-tied

in the back of a horse trailer

while the Coltons
got away with Deckard.

And, oh, yeah, you were
the last one driving.

Big deal. You've driven us
into trouble before.

You've driv... You've...

Whatever this is with you
and Matty, you got to fix it.

Matty? What is the... Wh-Why
are we talking about Matty?

I don't want to talk about
Matty right now, dude.

(line ringing)

Mac, this problem
between me and Matty

will never be fixed.

Do you understand me?

MATTY:
Well, this is going well.

Uh, hey, Matty!

Uh...

we're-we're a little
tied up right now.

Why do I get the feeling

that you're not speaking
figuratively?

Do you at least
still have Deckard?

Well, that's a
funny story...

Hilarious.
Oh, I can't wait to hear

all about it, but right now
I'm a little busy

sending in Riley, Bozer,
and a team of Phoenix agents

to do what you guys couldn't.

(mouths)

It's been a slice.

That's... great.

That's-that's
really great.

Hey.
Hmm?

It's not over.
Mm. Yeah, it is for me.

Might as well just
set me on fire, man.

Seriously, how
many more times

do you think this woman's gonna
keep letting me off the hook?

And now what's happened?

I'll tell you.
I've let her down.

Again. So appreciate you just...
(grunts)

just light the match and throw
it on top. (clicks tongue)

(groans) I know our conversation
with Matty didn't exactly go

as planned, but didn't you want
to try and use Billy's phone to

call somebody else

to come and free us?
I figured just use

the phone itself
to free us.

Circuit boards...
(grunts) are just

pieces of copper laminated
onto a nonconductive substrate,

like fiberglass.

Which means
it can be sanded down

into... a blade.

A knife. High fives.
Come and cut me loose.

(grunts)

Ow, ow! Now, hang
on a second, now.

I'd like to keep all the
blood inside of my body.

My bad.

(sighs) Oh, man.

Yeah. (hisses)

Feels like we've been
running forever, man.

You sure the gas station you
saw was in this direction?

Yeah.
Huh? 'Cause, I mean, I don't,
I don't mind running.

I just don't want to
go in the wrong way.

Look, maybe it's a good time
to start talking about Matty.

How many times
do I have to tell you this?

I screwed up. She saved my ass.

And she took a real personal hit
in the meantime.

It's not pretty, Mac.

It's not something that can
just be fixed with "I'm sorry."

Here's your trouble: "I'm sorry"
doesn't fix anything.

It just starts the conversation.

Okay, can we just hurry up
and steal a car or something?

We can commandeer one.
If you can keep up.

I'll probably beat you there, so
you might want to get running!

(engine starts)

Hey! Hey!
Go, go, go, go!

What are y'all doing?!
Go, go, go!

Get out of my truck!
Come back here!

JACK:
I'll bring it back! I promise!

Stop!

Breathe, baby. Just breathe.

Have a bite of pie,

and tell Mama

what's going on.

He said he was
an investment advisor.

I didn't know
he was a con man.

Bastard ran off with all the
money I saved for our honeymoon.

MAMA: Honeymoon?
(gasps)

Congratulations.

Thank you. (chuckles)

I feel like the luckiest girl
in the world.

Yeah, I-I played hard to get
at first.

I'd only give her my phone
number one digit at a time.

But eventually,

she won me over.

(chuckles) Funny, that's not
how I remember it, dear.

(chuckles) Well, you know
you have a bad memory.

(laughs):
Oh. Yes.

So I'm assuming y'all have
gone to the police?

And the FBI.

They say there's
nothing they can do.

Well, you come
to the right place.

So...

tell me all you know
about this lying sack of taters.

(phone vibrating)

(water running)

*

MAMA:
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson,

I think we've got everything
we need to get started.

Oh, and, uh, he has a little
freckle, like, uh, like,

right here on his hand.

Looks like Delaware,
only smaller.

I just...

They're professionals, dear.

Let them do their thing, okay?

Ah, whatever you say,
snookie-ookums.

(laughs)

Muffin. (laughs)

Newlyweds. Newlyweds.

We're still working on
the pet names.

Please let us know
as soon as you find him,

and thank you so much
for your help.

Oh, you're very welcome, baby,
and don't you worry.

Mama always gets her man.

Oh, after you...
Pookie-Wookie.

Okay. (laughs)

Bye.
MAMA:
Bye-bye.

(quietly):
I want a divorce.

(door bells jingle)

Find out who they really are.

What happened to our
original cover story?

You know, the one where we were
roommates who got swindled.

Yeah. I called an audible.

Newlyweds just felt right
in the moment.

You know, I'm very method.
That's what happens

when you work with
a classically-trained actor.

You took a six-hour workshop
on acting for infomercials.

And I read
that Stella Adler book.
Oh, yeah?

Is that where you learned
to run your mouth so much?

Mama almost realized
we were conning her.

Well, let's get out of here
before they run our I.D.s

and figure out
who we really are.

Ain't nobody
gonna-- Oh, oh!

(muffled grunting)

(gasping)

Oh, man.

Whatever happened
to "psst"?

Doesn't anyone
"psst" anymore?

We couldn't risk
you making a noise.

Be here all day.
Guys, where's Deckard?

RILEY:
Gone.

While we were
distracting the Coltons,

our tac team ran in
and grabbed him.

He's on the way
to exfil now.

Hey, mission accomplished,
homeboy. Up top!

(vehicles approaching)
Ooh, no. Up-top homeboy.

Who's in the bulletproof SUVs?

(tires screech)

That's Armin Morsofian.

Deckard's old boss?

Yeah.

Wait. The Coltons were never
gonna hand Deckard over

to a government agency.

They were hired
by the Armenians.

JACK: Yeah, who were probably
gonna put a bullet

in Deckard the minute the
Coltons hand him over.

So we just saved Deckard's life?

Yeah, but we might have just
gotten the Coltons killed.

JACK: So, you better
come up with a plan.

I can see you're working on
something. You got something?

Yeah, what you got?

Yeah, I got something. I'm just
not sure it's much of a plan.

(door bells jingle)
Hey, everybody.

(guns clicking)
Oh!

How we doing? (chuckles)

All right.

Hey, you guys know
what to do, right?

We'll be ready.
Ready for what?

I'm not even exactly sure
what Mac's doing in there.

JACK: Just follow
his instructions.

I am Mac.

I work for Mama.

Sorry, Mama, I got tied up.

Please excuse me
for a few minutes.

Talk to my associate.

He's working
on another job for us.

I don't know

what kind of game
you are playing here, but...

No games.

My people have Deckard.

Well, my clients are
not gonna like that.

Your clients are an
international crime syndicate.

Once they find out
you don't have Deckard,

they're going to start shooting.

Well, then, why don't I just
tell them you took him?

Your family's in danger
either way.

Look for yourself, Mama.

12 men,

armed to the teeth.

And unless they forgot
your $2 million in the car,

I don't think they were ever
planning on paying you.

Well, failure to render payment
breaks their contract,

so does
your previous offer stand?

Consider yourself hired.

Now ask Jesse to go get Deckard.

Jesse?
Yes, Mama.

Go and fetch
Mr. Morsofian's package.

Excuse the delay.

Can I offer you gentleman
a slice of buttermilk pie

on the house?

No, thank you. Please,
just bring us Deckard.

Is there a problem?

(Jack yelling)

JACK: Ah, man,
this better work!

(tires screeching)

JACK: No whammies, no whammies,
no whammies, no whammies, no...

(tires screech)

(tires screech)

Engines off.

Doors locked.

(laughing)

(guns clicking)

(men coughing)

I would think twice before
I pull that trigger.

Mama's Moonshine is, uh, what?

About 150 proof?

155.

Listen to me, Armin.

One spark from your gun,

one muzzle flash
from any of the others,

and that ethanol vapor
you're choking on right now--

it's gonna turn Mama's Diner
into Mama's Barbecue Joint.

Or I can just save you
the decision...

...and light you up myself.

(sighs)

AGENT:
Let's go. Hey, keep walking.

Hey, Mama.

Uh, I know I screwed up,

and now I almost
got us all killed.

I-I guess what I'm trying
to tell you...

I'm sorry.

(clicks tongue)

It's all right, son.

All right, Mac.

Well, y'all broke
my no-lying rule

six ways to Sunday,
now, didn't you?

Yes, but it was
for a good cause.

Well, I don't rightly
care about the cause

as much as I do
getting paid.

So, will that be
cash or credit?

He's gonna have to talk to
our boss before you get paid.

It's actually a conversation
I'm looking forward to.

In the meantime, lots
of buttermilk pie.

Ah.
(laughing)

Well, all things considered,

it wasn't too bad
working with you two.

But I will tell
you one thing.

If you ever steal
my mark again,

oh, there will
be hell to pay.

Yes, ma'am.
Yeah.

Excuse me?
Oh.

Thank you.

You're a real pain in the ass,
you know that?

(laughs) It's, uh, not
the first time I've heard that.

But that thing you did
in there? (laughs)

Not bad.

I've never seen nobody turn
a diner into a weapon before.

BOZER (laughs):
Yeah.

You should see what he can do

with shoe strings and bubblegum.
(laughter)

All right,
we'll see y'all later.

Okay.

Man, I kind of
want to stay

and kick it with
the Coltons.
Mm.

I think Jack wants
to be a Colton.
(chuckles)

Jack's not cool enough
to be a Colton.

Yeah, 'cause I hang out with
you nerds. Don't touch me.

JACK:
So...

aside from one or two teenie,
weenie hiccups along the way,

I'd call that mission
a total success.

Well, of course you would,
Jack, 'cause you're not

the one that has to
explain to Oversight

why Phoenix is on the hook

for a $4 million bounty
to the Coltons.

Well, what can I tell you,
Matty?

Heavy is the head
that wears the crown.

Get out of here.

All of you.

Hey, Matty?

Think we need to talk
for a minute.

I didn't even know what
buttermilk pie was until today.

Now I never want
to stop eating it.

Looks like I'll be calling Mama

and placing an order
for the missus.

If you call me one more
of those stupid pet names...

You guys gave each other
pet names?

We did not give each other
pet names. He gave me, like,

a dozen.
Well, I got to hear those.

And that's an order.

I'm kidding.

We're off the clock.

So, stop pet-naming Riley and

cut me a slice of this pie that
Jack won't stop yapping about.

Get in there.

I'm guessing the
apology went well.

Well, a wise man once told me

that "I'm sorry"
only starts the conversation.

So... who's ready for another
game of truth or dare?

(groans)

I love truth or dare.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, I do.

That's great,
'cause there, for a second,

I thought tonight wasn't
gonna get super duper awkward.

Oh, it's gonna get very awkward,
for you, Dalton.

Oh, for everybody.

I know all your secrets,
remember?

So I'll know whether
you're telling the truth or not.

All right, well,
I'll go dare all night.

Bring it.

Bust out the hot sauce.

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