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CRISIS LINE
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For some kids
the crisis line
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is the only place they can get
help with family issues,
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school problems and
questions about sex.
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Your identities are kept secret,
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so they feel ok about speaking intimately.
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Beautiful women are
waiting to talk to you now!
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It could be the most satisfying
school experience you'll have.
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Any volunteers to
work the phones?
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Beavis and Butt-Head!
What a nice surprise.
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Yeah.
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Rock!
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Hey Butt-Head, doesn't this
song have another video?
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Yeah. This song is so good
they had to do it twice.
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Really?
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- Mother!
- Mother!
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Tell your children
not to walk my way...
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What they... tell them not to... yeah,
tell them not to... mean I say...
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Mother!
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I heard this dude can like,
bench press 140.
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Whoa. That's pretty good.
Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.
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Settle down, Danzig.
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I wonder what this guy does, like,
when, y'know, he's not doing this?
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I bet he just scores with chicks,
and then, like, just fights alot.
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I wonder who would win
in a fight between Danzig, and...
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- Geraldo?
- No.
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Danny Bonaduce?
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- Bonaduce would kick ass!
- Bonaducci! Bonaducci!
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- What's he doing?
- Yeah.
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He was, like, shaking his hips
back and forth like a little wussy.
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That little dance
isn't very cool.
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Now remember, the kids who call
are in pain, they need a friend,
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- someone who'll just listen...
- To their private fantasies.
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The most important thing they need
is compassion without judgment, okay?
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I know you fellas will be great. Oh, and
guys, try to make a conscious effort
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to be more polite, okay?
Especially to the women.
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Hello?
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All the other girls are growing breasts.
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Mine aren't growing.
Is there something wrong with me?
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Hey Beavis, this
chick's flat.
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Yeah?
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Hi... sometimes I wet the bed.
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Is that, like, normal?
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- What happens when I get married?
- Is this, is this...
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Hey Stewart!
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Stewart.
What a wiener!
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Stewart wets his bed.
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- Stewart wets his bed.
- Oh God!
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- Hello?
- Hello.
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Well, my... my boyfriend,
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is like, so rude!
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I mean, he's like, pressuring
me to put-out and all,
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but I'm not sure if
I'm ready for sex.
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I advise you to put out.
That would be cool.
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Well, but... like, I heard
you're supposed to wait?
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Oh! Yeah...
Until tomorrow.
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- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
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You... need someone better.
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Someone who's, like...
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- polite, and stuff.
- Yeah, yeah. That's us.
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Hi, may I help you?
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Yeah.
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You should put out to someone you'll
meet at school tomorrow, who's polite.
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Thank you. Goodbye.
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We're gonna score!
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Remember Beavis, be
polite to every girl we see.
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Then we will score with that
chick who called last night.
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Beavis and Butt-Head,
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why you don't share with the class what
you learned working on the crisis line?
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Okay.
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- I mean, excuse me.
- Yeah. Thank you.
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May I?
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Yeah. After you.
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Please, you first.
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- She's not here.
- Oh. That sucks.
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My pleasure.
My pleasure.
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Hey! My pleasure.
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So like... after you. Ma'am.
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- Please, you first.
- Yeah, you first.
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Thank you.
Drive through.
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I insist.
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Excuse me.
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Sorry for the
inconvenience, I'll go get a mop.
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Aren't you like, the guys
from the crisis line?
85
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You said "No sex 'till I met
a guy that's polite"?
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- Yes ma'am.
- Is there something I can help you with?
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Yeah, my boyfriend
wanted to meet you.
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I beg your pardon.
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Hope I didn't put
you in any trouble, sir.
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I'll be right with you, sir.
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Is this another one of those
damn '80s suck videos?
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Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
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From that album,
"The Classics of Suck"!
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Hey Butt-Head, those
aren't real gorillas.
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They had to get fake ones, 'cause like,
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they knew that real gorillas
wouldn't listen to this crap.
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Yeah, yeah.
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00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,311
You know what animal
would listen to this crap?
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Is a cow.
100
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Cows can listen to that crap
'cause they have like...
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they have like, like six stomachs.
102
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Yeah.
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I bet you could get a cow
to listen to like, Warrant.
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Hey Butt-Head.
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Who is this buttknocker anyways?
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This is James.
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James who?
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His parents asked him not to use their
last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.
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His parents said:
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"Son, we know you suck, and
that's okay. But could you just, like...
111
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- not use our name?"
- Yeah.
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And then they hugged him!
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What a wuss!
114
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Well, there's a big eye ball.
115
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They need more big eye balls in
videos. Like, like a big pile of eye balls.
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- Yeah. What is all this stuff?
- Yeah, really.
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It's like, it's like, they're running through
the grass, and there's like, a house.
118
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Yeah.
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What ever happened to chicks with big
thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?
120
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Yeah. Seems like they
don't do that anymore.
121
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These guys need to spend
more time with sluts.
122
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Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't
filthy enough.
123
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Whoa! Are there, like, two
lead singers for this band?
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Yeah, so what?
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Yeah but it's like, it's like,
there is this dude in like, overalls,
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and then there's this other dude.
127
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So what, Beavis?
128
00:09:02,196 --> 00:09:05,745
I don't know, I just thought like, you know,
there's two singers, it's like, you know...
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00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:07,164
That's something.
130
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:15,872
- Hey, somebody's talking.
- Yeah yeah, what is that?
131
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- I hate it when people talk over videos.
- Yeah. There's some guy going:
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Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk,
like, break something, and like,
133
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- you know, just do something.
- Yeah.
134
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Either you follow, or lead,
or get off the pot.
135
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Yeah. Really.
136
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Get off the toilet.
137
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:47,987
These guys are like, a cross between
Stone Temple Pilots and like,
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just a bunch of regular guys.
139
00:09:49,476 --> 00:09:52,025
Yeah yeah, it's kinda,
like, a cross between
140
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the Stone Temple Pilots and
those dudes on Hee-Haw.
141
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,228
Oh yeah.
142
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You met another and...
Hee-was gone.
143
00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:05,658
- That was pretty good, Butt-Head.
- Yeah.
144
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:15,633
- Hello? I need some help.
- Shut up!
145
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I… I've taken some pills and I...
I don't know how many...
146
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:24,545
Hey Beavis, what's that number?
147
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1-900-NUDITY.
148
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:36,888
Hello! I'm Candy,
what can I do for you?
149
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,594
I've got a crisis...
150
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,096
In my pants.
11457
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