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1
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Guys, I'm sorry my parents
2
00:00:05,889 --> 00:00:09,824
were blasting Steely Dan so
loud during our sleepover.
3
00:00:09,826 --> 00:00:12,694
I've asked them a million
times to play something current
4
00:00:12,696 --> 00:00:15,029
to cover the sounds
of their lovemaking...
5
00:00:15,031 --> 00:00:16,498
like Soulja Boy!
6
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,833
God, they're embarrassing!
7
00:00:18,835 --> 00:00:22,637
It's okay, Barry.
Everyone's family can be embarrassing.
8
00:00:22,639 --> 00:00:25,107
My mom still cuts my
sandwiches into hearts.
9
00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:29,978
I'm 15! My sandwiches should
be shaped like lightning bolts!
10
00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:31,245
Tell me about it.
11
00:00:31,247 --> 00:00:32,914
The other day,
I slipped in a puddle of lube
12
00:00:32,916 --> 00:00:35,650
my uncle Roger spilled
prepping for his orgy,
13
00:00:35,652 --> 00:00:38,386
and I slid into my
sister's three-foot bong.
14
00:00:38,388 --> 00:00:41,055
Then my parents ran in
dueling with these prop swords
15
00:00:41,057 --> 00:00:43,858
from "Lord of the Rings"
my dad bought on eBay.
16
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:46,594
My mom took a reckless
orc-style swing at my dad
17
00:00:46,596 --> 00:00:48,396
but sliced me instead!
18
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,265
I bled and bled.
19
00:00:51,267 --> 00:00:53,535
Steve, your family sounds
20
00:00:53,537 --> 00:00:56,404
chaotic, unstable... unhealthy.
21
00:00:56,406 --> 00:00:59,607
Hey, Steve. I'm stealin'
this to show porno at my orgy.
22
00:00:59,609 --> 00:01:00,875
Keep the homies horny.
23
00:01:00,877 --> 00:01:02,677
That's your uncle, right?
24
00:01:02,679 --> 00:01:04,879
Okay, so my family's
a little unconventional.
25
00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:06,280
But when it really matters,
26
00:01:06,282 --> 00:01:08,016
we're always there for each other.
27
00:01:08,018 --> 00:01:09,751
Be careful sharing this stuff.
28
00:01:09,753 --> 00:01:12,286
Someone could report
you to social services.
29
00:01:12,288 --> 00:01:15,357
Who'd report me? You guys?
My best friends?
30
00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:17,559
Or, you, really cool new kid?
31
00:01:17,561 --> 00:01:20,562
So cool. I know I can trust you.
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00:01:20,564 --> 00:01:22,364
Cowabunga!
33
00:01:22,828 --> 00:01:25,900
I've been told a disturbing
story about your family
34
00:01:25,902 --> 00:01:28,502
from my undercover social services narc.
35
00:01:28,504 --> 00:01:30,172
Cowabunga!
36
00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,106
You? A narc?
37
00:01:32,108 --> 00:01:33,908
I'm sorry, but a social worker
38
00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:36,244
will need to make a home
visit to the Smith house.
39
00:01:36,246 --> 00:01:37,311
Social worker?!
40
00:01:37,313 --> 00:01:39,381
- Home visit?!
- Smith house?!
41
00:01:39,383 --> 00:01:41,115
Cowabunga!
42
00:01:43,787 --> 00:01:46,643
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
43
00:01:46,678 --> 00:01:49,991
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
44
00:01:49,993 --> 00:01:52,994
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
45
00:01:52,996 --> 00:01:57,699
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
46
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,871
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
47
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,407
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
48
00:02:05,409 --> 00:02:06,541
Aah!
49
00:02:07,611 --> 00:02:11,145
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
50
00:02:13,349 --> 00:02:15,550
A social worker?! Could they take Steve
51
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:18,753
if they see something dangerous
like swords lying around?
52
00:02:18,755 --> 00:02:21,956
Swords?
Oh, you mean my uruk-hai scimitars.
53
00:02:21,958 --> 00:02:23,958
These are investments!
You wouldn't believe
54
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,494
how much "Lord of the Rings"
fans pay for this stuff.
55
00:02:26,496 --> 00:02:28,296
How much did you pay?
56
00:02:28,298 --> 00:02:29,564
An undisclosed amount.
57
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,233
Here's my biggest investment yet...
58
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:32,767
an extra-large one ring
59
00:02:32,769 --> 00:02:35,237
used on set to create
forced perspective.
60
00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:37,972
Don't worry, Hayley.
61
00:02:37,974 --> 00:02:40,242
Remember the last time
a social worker came?
62
00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:42,777
When you were breastfeeding
Steve at his high school?
63
00:02:42,779 --> 00:02:45,580
We just call social services,
get Wendell again,
64
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,449
and bribe his ass!
65
00:02:47,451 --> 00:02:49,117
Wendell was fired?!
66
00:02:49,119 --> 00:02:50,785
Yes, for taking bribes.
67
00:02:50,787 --> 00:02:52,987
Yuck! We hate bribes!
68
00:02:52,989 --> 00:02:55,790
Around here, bribes are a big taboo.
69
00:02:56,793 --> 00:02:58,660
Hayley! Shh! Sorry about that.
70
00:02:58,662 --> 00:03:00,528
So if you could just send someone else
71
00:03:00,530 --> 00:03:02,396
easygoing, hates rules,
72
00:03:02,398 --> 00:03:03,465
- is...
- Very bribable?
73
00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:04,732
Bribable works!
74
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,268
We'll waive the taboo just this once.
75
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:08,470
Says here the social
worker visiting your home
76
00:03:08,472 --> 00:03:11,405
is Jack Hardass.
77
00:03:11,407 --> 00:03:13,808
Gonna mute ya for a sec.
78
00:03:13,810 --> 00:03:16,010
Jack Hardass?!
79
00:03:16,012 --> 00:03:18,346
We're assuming his name
is hilariously ironic
80
00:03:18,348 --> 00:03:21,082
because he's so nice and has a soft,
jiggly booty?
81
00:03:21,084 --> 00:03:23,952
Jack Hardass is just like his name.
82
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,553
Mother [BLEEP]!
83
00:03:25,555 --> 00:03:27,956
They're gonna take my precious boy!
84
00:03:30,026 --> 00:03:32,827
Heard about the precious boy!
Got here as fast as I could!
85
00:03:32,829 --> 00:03:35,297
Stop. No one is taking me.
86
00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:37,565
Like I told Snot when he said our family
87
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,901
was unstable, chaotic, unhealthy...
88
00:03:39,903 --> 00:03:41,369
That piece of shit.
89
00:03:41,371 --> 00:03:42,971
When it really counts,
90
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:45,173
the Smiths are always
there for each other.
91
00:03:45,175 --> 00:03:47,175
Snot is becoming a problem.
92
00:03:47,177 --> 00:03:49,945
One thing at a time.
But just so we remember...
93
00:03:55,519 --> 00:03:58,986
Jack Hardass is coming tomorrow.
We'll be ready.
94
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:01,989
Social service's healthy
home checklist...
95
00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:04,192
a.k.a. Hardass's Bible.
96
00:04:04,194 --> 00:04:07,328
"A home free of dangerous items."
97
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,197
Like these swords, Stan!
98
00:04:09,199 --> 00:04:10,665
I've been talking to Buckle.
99
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,734
He's gonna buy the one
ring off me tonight.
100
00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,669
I'll try to sell him the swords, too.
101
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,539
"All content must be age-appropriate."
102
00:04:17,541 --> 00:04:19,207
So no sex stuff.
103
00:04:19,209 --> 00:04:21,276
Don't worry. I'm postponing my orgy
104
00:04:21,278 --> 00:04:23,144
and surrendering my sex drugs.
105
00:04:23,146 --> 00:04:25,346
Goodbye, horny-goat-weed-Viagra mix
106
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,815
that can almost guarantee arousal.
107
00:04:27,817 --> 00:04:31,018
So long,
remote for my wireless porno rig.
108
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,420
Careful. I disabled the off-button,
109
00:04:32,422 --> 00:04:35,022
so once it's on,
it never stops playing porn.
110
00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:37,358
If you need me,
I'll be hiding in the walls.
111
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,960
No personas tomorrow.
112
00:04:38,962 --> 00:04:42,898
Mr. R, you'll be like Bruno
from Dis-a-ney's "Encanto"!
113
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,900
You're right! What if I made the house
114
00:04:44,902 --> 00:04:47,435
magically come to life
like in "Encanto"?
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00:04:47,437 --> 00:04:50,105
Floorboards flappin'
and clappin' like castanets.
116
00:04:50,107 --> 00:04:51,907
Silent in the walls will be fine.
117
00:04:51,909 --> 00:04:53,975
Now, to make sure we impress Hardass,
118
00:04:53,977 --> 00:04:56,311
I compiled a CIA dossier on him.
119
00:04:56,313 --> 00:04:58,179
Hardass has high-class tastes...
120
00:04:58,181 --> 00:05:01,116
fancy food, fancy cats, fancy feast.
121
00:05:01,118 --> 00:05:04,586
So we'll serve him the
fanciest dish of all time...
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00:05:04,588 --> 00:05:06,121
beef Wellington.
123
00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:07,723
Hayley and I can try making
124
00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:10,458
a practice Wellington tonight, Mr. S!
125
00:05:10,460 --> 00:05:12,393
And I'm adopting cats right now!
126
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:15,397
But classy guys don't like
seeing anything weird,
127
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:16,864
so no talking fish.
128
00:05:16,866 --> 00:05:18,466
Anything for Steve.
129
00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:19,601
Hands in, everybody!
130
00:05:19,603 --> 00:05:21,669
For our precious boy!
131
00:05:21,671 --> 00:05:23,338
Whoo!
132
00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:28,743
Practice Wellington's looking good!
133
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,411
Great! Now remember, Steve.
134
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:33,548
All you gotta do is smile, look happy.
135
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:36,551
Mediocre. Think "Al Roker."
136
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:38,820
Now give me "Joker"!
137
00:05:38,822 --> 00:05:40,822
That's a happy boy!
138
00:05:40,824 --> 00:05:42,758
I'm not willing to risk wrinkling
139
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,292
any of my slacks before tomorrow.
140
00:05:44,294 --> 00:05:46,694
But what's that circular lump?
141
00:05:46,696 --> 00:05:49,230
My one ring,
stored in the place made specifically
142
00:05:49,232 --> 00:05:51,566
for a man's most valuable possessions...
143
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:54,102
the little front pocket of his undies.
144
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:55,236
Where should Jeff and I sit?
145
00:05:55,238 --> 00:05:57,305
Nowhere. You'll be our butlers.
146
00:05:57,307 --> 00:05:58,974
- Okay!
- The hell you talkin' about?!
147
00:05:58,976 --> 00:06:00,308
We need to project wealth.
148
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:02,110
Same reason we built the dumbwaiter.
149
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:03,911
Also because of your burp
150
00:06:03,913 --> 00:06:06,114
during the call with social services.
151
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:09,451
A.k.a. "Burpgate." It was too crude.
152
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:12,920
So we hired actors
to play our new, classy,
153
00:06:12,922 --> 00:06:15,523
hardbodied Jeff and Hayley!
154
00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:17,793
What?! Why are we being singled out?!
155
00:06:17,795 --> 00:06:21,529
You're the one who got wild
servals instead of normal cats!
156
00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,199
They seemed fancier!
157
00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:29,537
Maybe I'll put out a casting
call for big-chinned dopes
158
00:06:29,539 --> 00:06:32,007
and pink-dressed idiots to replace you!
159
00:06:33,276 --> 00:06:34,276
Who could that be?
160
00:06:35,109 --> 00:06:37,779
Hello. I'm Jack Hardass.
161
00:06:38,882 --> 00:06:40,415
Jack Hardass?!
162
00:06:40,417 --> 00:06:41,817
A night early?!
163
00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,885
Stan, you said you wrote the date
164
00:06:43,887 --> 00:06:45,821
in your most important calendar!
165
00:06:45,823 --> 00:06:47,288
Most valuable calendar.
166
00:06:47,290 --> 00:06:49,224
From the release of
"Fellowship of the Ring"!
167
00:06:49,226 --> 00:06:52,494
That's from when the
movie came out in 2001!
168
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:53,761
The dates are all off!
169
00:06:53,763 --> 00:06:55,096
Uh, what do we do?!
170
00:06:55,098 --> 00:06:57,232
We'll just have to
impress Hardass tonight!
171
00:06:57,234 --> 00:06:59,100
Do you think he noticed
I wasn't wearing pants?
172
00:06:59,102 --> 00:07:00,635
- Yes. - Oh, yeah.
- Hundred percent.
173
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:03,305
Hm. Well,
then I didn't shave for nothing.
174
00:07:05,451 --> 00:07:07,909
The social worker's here!
We're not ready!
175
00:07:07,911 --> 00:07:09,243
And it's all your fault, Stan!
176
00:07:09,245 --> 00:07:11,045
Who writes down an important date
177
00:07:11,047 --> 00:07:13,047
in a calendar from 2001?!
178
00:07:13,049 --> 00:07:15,117
A lot of people in 2001 did!
179
00:07:16,787 --> 00:07:19,121
Steve's a goner because of you two!
180
00:07:19,123 --> 00:07:21,255
You deserve to be the stupid...
181
00:07:21,257 --> 00:07:23,725
buttlers!
182
00:07:23,727 --> 00:07:25,593
I'mma drop you like a bad hobbit!
183
00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:26,928
Come on!
184
00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:29,531
You said you could do this... for me...
185
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:30,932
and I believe in you!
186
00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:33,201
Let's be there for each other, Smiths!
187
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,003
- I'll hide the swords!
- I'll hide the servals!
188
00:07:35,005 --> 00:07:36,738
I got the sex drugs!
189
00:07:44,009 --> 00:07:45,547
Butler Hayley, get the door!
190
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:48,817
A final touch of class... the Roomba!
191
00:07:48,819 --> 00:07:51,486
Remember, Steve, just keep smiling.
192
00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:54,756
You rang?
193
00:07:54,758 --> 00:07:56,490
I knocked.
194
00:07:56,492 --> 00:07:58,160
For 10 minutes.
195
00:07:58,162 --> 00:07:59,494
Sorry. I couldn't find my pants.
196
00:07:59,496 --> 00:08:01,095
But you probably didn't even notice.
197
00:08:01,097 --> 00:08:04,232
I noticed. And made a note.
198
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,168
Um, let's meet the family.
199
00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:08,236
My beautiful wife, Francine.
200
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,238
My burp-free daughter, Hayley.
201
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,374
Her husband, Jeff, who is very stupid.
202
00:08:12,376 --> 00:08:14,909
These are our butlers,
who should go serve
203
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:17,645
the practice Wellingtons.
204
00:08:17,647 --> 00:08:19,113
Dinner is almost ready.
205
00:08:19,115 --> 00:08:21,183
We're having beef Wellington, as usual.
206
00:08:21,185 --> 00:08:23,918
Why a "practice" Wellington?
207
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:28,056
Because practice Wellington
makes perfect Wellington!
208
00:08:28,058 --> 00:08:29,924
This is the famous Steve.
209
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,794
May I take your coat, Mr. Hardass?
210
00:08:32,796 --> 00:08:36,398
Go, go, "Encanto" magic coat hook!
211
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,066
Shh!
212
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,269
So we're not bothered
213
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,937
by the hustle and bustle in the kitchen.
214
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:43,939
Care for a drink?
215
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,874
Iced tea, please.
216
00:08:45,876 --> 00:08:49,210
A wonnnnderful choice, Mr. Hardass!
217
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,146
They ate the practice Wellingtons!
218
00:08:52,148 --> 00:08:53,615
Make new ones!
219
00:08:54,684 --> 00:08:56,618
Get the servals out of there now.
220
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,420
You, go help with dinner.
221
00:08:58,422 --> 00:09:00,488
Please, Mr. Hardass, take a seat.
222
00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:01,956
Dinner won't be for a while.
223
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:05,026
You said it was "almost ready."
224
00:09:05,028 --> 00:09:08,096
H-He said it was all moist and ruddy,
225
00:09:08,098 --> 00:09:10,164
which is how he refers to raw meat.
226
00:09:14,852 --> 00:09:16,370
Just some roaming degenerates.
227
00:09:16,372 --> 00:09:18,306
Not around my precious boy!
228
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,575
Now, excuse me.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
229
00:09:20,577 --> 00:09:21,776
And my iced tea?
230
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:24,712
Did I say "fresh air"?
I meant "fresh mint."
231
00:09:24,714 --> 00:09:25,847
For your iced tea!
232
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,783
We're here for Hayley
Smith's casting call
233
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:30,985
for big-chinned dopes
and pink-dressed idiots.
234
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,787
What?! Well, you have to leave!
235
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,256
Not until we get an audition!
236
00:09:34,258 --> 00:09:36,390
We're desperate local actors!
237
00:09:37,393 --> 00:09:40,629
Steve, do you ever feel... unsafe?
238
00:09:41,397 --> 00:09:43,197
Schwing! Oh!
239
00:09:43,199 --> 00:09:45,800
Did your fish just say "schwing"?
240
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,335
Mnh.
241
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,337
Aah!
242
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,805
Let's watch some educational TV!
243
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:53,608
- Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
244
00:09:53,610 --> 00:09:57,946
I can hear something,
but I'm not seeing the picture.
245
00:09:57,948 --> 00:09:59,748
Oh, yeah!
246
00:10:00,484 --> 00:10:02,951
I'll check on that iced tea!
247
00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:05,887
It won't turn off!
248
00:10:05,889 --> 00:10:07,555
This'll muffle it.
249
00:10:07,557 --> 00:10:08,757
We made new Wellingtons
250
00:10:08,759 --> 00:10:11,626
with Graham Crackers,
flour, and hamburger meat.
251
00:10:11,628 --> 00:10:13,027
Iced tea's ready!
252
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,963
You almost screwed us
hiring those actors, Hayley!
253
00:10:14,965 --> 00:10:17,165
Luckily, I thought of hiding them
in the basement.
254
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,167
I hid the servals in the basement!
255
00:10:21,105 --> 00:10:22,904
They're only local actors.
256
00:10:22,906 --> 00:10:24,706
If we're all in here...
257
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:26,441
then who's with Hardass?
258
00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:29,711
♪ On the good ship Rogupop ♪
259
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:30,979
♪ It's a sweet... ♪
260
00:10:30,981 --> 00:10:32,314
Rogu, shoo!
261
00:10:32,316 --> 00:10:34,716
I'm afraid I have no
explanation for that.
262
00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:35,917
But I do have your tea.
263
00:10:35,919 --> 00:10:37,986
I'm not seeing the fresh mint.
264
00:10:37,988 --> 00:10:40,522
Aah! Mint! The man wants mint!
265
00:10:40,524 --> 00:10:41,589
On it!
266
00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:45,059
Oh, God! Hardass is gonna take me away!
267
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,261
The only thing Hardass is taking away
268
00:10:47,263 --> 00:10:50,264
is the takeaway that we
make great Wellington!
269
00:10:50,266 --> 00:10:52,200
Mmm! Now bring it upstairs
270
00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:54,736
so it can come down the dumbwaiter.
271
00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:57,472
Nice save. Where'd you get the mint?
272
00:10:58,339 --> 00:10:59,874
From the edge of the woods.
273
00:10:59,876 --> 00:11:00,942
Edge of the woods?
274
00:11:00,944 --> 00:11:03,078
That's not mint! It's poison ivy!
275
00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:05,279
Dinner's ready!
276
00:11:05,281 --> 00:11:08,216
Some water for you, Mr. Ass.
277
00:11:08,218 --> 00:11:10,685
Good news... the servals are upstairs.
278
00:11:10,687 --> 00:11:13,755
Bad news... the actors in the
basement are begging for food.
279
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,423
I've heard you have
280
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:18,292
"Lord of the Rings"
weapons in the house?
281
00:11:18,294 --> 00:11:20,895
Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell.
282
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,764
Sounds like a good investment, though.
283
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,098
I'm sorry.
284
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,967
Weapons from "Lord of the Rings"
285
00:11:25,969 --> 00:11:28,570
are... a good investment?
286
00:11:28,572 --> 00:11:31,173
Yeah, people will pay a
fortune for movie props.
287
00:11:31,175 --> 00:11:32,306
I know I did... would.
288
00:11:32,308 --> 00:11:34,108
What Stans means is...
289
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,778
"Lord of the Rings"
talk is forbidden here.
290
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:40,248
Or as the great forest
elves of Mirkwood say...
291
00:11:40,250 --> 00:11:42,384
"Avanwa..." Unh! Mnh!
292
00:11:42,386 --> 00:11:44,519
Mr. Smith, are you crying?
293
00:11:44,521 --> 00:11:47,321
I just love my boy so much.
294
00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:52,326
I'm here to buy the ring!
295
00:11:52,328 --> 00:11:54,128
"Lord of the Rings" is forbidden!
Go away!
296
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,398
I'm back as if nothing happened.
297
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,333
Stan, I was just insisting
298
00:11:59,335 --> 00:12:02,537
we show Mr. Hardass
Steve's college fund.
299
00:12:02,539 --> 00:12:07,008
It's so full, the boys at
Schwab say it's a modern marvel.
300
00:12:07,010 --> 00:12:08,210
Gah!
301
00:12:08,212 --> 00:12:10,879
Oh, no! The Roomba's stuck!
302
00:12:10,881 --> 00:12:13,948
He can't see the college fund.
I used it to buy the one ring.
303
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:16,213
Is everything okay down there?
304
00:12:16,248 --> 00:12:17,485
Just sell the ring to Buckle
305
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,088
and get that money back in the
account so we can show him.
306
00:12:20,090 --> 00:12:21,355
I sent Buckle away!
307
00:12:21,357 --> 00:12:22,624
Unsend him away!
308
00:12:24,336 --> 00:12:27,029
Stupid thing got stuck on a crumb. Heh.
309
00:12:27,031 --> 00:12:29,231
Gotta go call the manufacturer.
310
00:12:29,233 --> 00:12:33,301
Can I ask you about
that small gray person?
311
00:12:33,303 --> 00:12:36,304
I'm afraid I have no
explanation for that.
312
00:12:36,306 --> 00:12:37,772
Sorry I yelled at you.
313
00:12:37,774 --> 00:12:40,108
I got possessed by greed,
much like Smeagol.
314
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:42,110
The ring is that legit!
315
00:12:42,112 --> 00:12:43,845
Send in the Wellington!
316
00:12:48,318 --> 00:12:49,918
I need to see you in
the kitchen right now.
317
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,385
Mrs. Smith, your glass.
318
00:12:51,387 --> 00:12:53,521
Oh! What are you doing?!
319
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,990
Please excuse me. I need to go, uh...
320
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:59,127
Let's see. Something normal.
Something normal.
321
00:12:59,129 --> 00:13:00,862
Spank my lady butler!
322
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,264
Schwing!
323
00:13:02,266 --> 00:13:03,598
There it is again!
324
00:13:04,468 --> 00:13:07,201
- We can't serve the beef Wellington!
- Why not?
325
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,671
Jeff used this instead of flour.
326
00:13:09,673 --> 00:13:12,140
It's chaos out there! What is going on?!
327
00:13:12,142 --> 00:13:15,543
The beef Wellington is filled
with Roger's sex drugs!
328
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,745
Oh, my God.
329
00:13:17,747 --> 00:13:19,481
The Roomba got stuck under it!
330
00:13:19,483 --> 00:13:20,882
Where the hell is Dad?!
331
00:13:21,830 --> 00:13:24,752
Mr. S ate so much sex Wellington!
332
00:13:24,754 --> 00:13:27,755
Since we both bank with Schwab,
you can instantly transfer
333
00:13:27,757 --> 00:13:29,557
the $25,000 to my account.
334
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,360
But first I need to see the ring!
335
00:13:32,362 --> 00:13:33,895
One sec. Let me retrieve it.
336
00:13:34,783 --> 00:13:36,098
Stan!
337
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:40,234
All the beef Wellington you
ate was dosed with Viagra!
338
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,638
Not ideal, but we should be okay
as long as nothing arouses me.
339
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,841
Ohh! All over my glasses!
340
00:13:46,843 --> 00:13:51,113
Ohh... ohh... ohh. Ohh-ohh.
341
00:13:51,115 --> 00:13:52,514
Ow! Ugh!
342
00:13:52,516 --> 00:13:54,116
Big bone. So what?
343
00:13:54,118 --> 00:13:56,250
During the engorgement, the one ring
344
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,920
slid out of its pocket and got stuck...
345
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,455
on my eye of Sauron!
346
00:14:00,457 --> 00:14:03,925
So, uh, how long
have you two known each other?
347
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,127
We just met today.
348
00:14:05,129 --> 00:14:06,795
That's a fast marriage.
349
00:14:06,797 --> 00:14:10,064
Oh, my God.
This Wellington is orgasmic!
350
00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:12,200
Mmm! Mmm!
351
00:14:16,807 --> 00:14:18,273
Food!
352
00:14:23,009 --> 00:14:26,681
Bad Butler!
We'll clean you up in the bathroom.
353
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:30,552
A little "Encanto" will save the day.
354
00:14:30,554 --> 00:14:33,221
Go, go, "Encanto" magic toilet!
355
00:14:35,692 --> 00:14:36,758
Oh, God! Oh, God!
356
00:14:37,655 --> 00:14:39,828
Mrs. S, the actors in the basement
357
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:41,563
are horny from the Wellington
358
00:14:41,565 --> 00:14:43,965
and they're climbing up the
dumbwaiter to your bedroom!
359
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,066
I'm busy!
360
00:14:45,769 --> 00:14:48,170
The bathroom is just in here.
361
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:52,974
I can show you the ring,
but it has to be in private.
362
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:57,311
Not in there. In here.
363
00:14:59,583 --> 00:15:01,350
My daughter's having sex in there.
364
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,387
I'm having sex in there!
365
00:15:05,389 --> 00:15:07,455
Screw this! I'm leaving!
366
00:15:07,457 --> 00:15:09,257
Wait! I can show you in here!
367
00:15:09,259 --> 00:15:11,325
Don't worry about the bathroom.
368
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,528
Because I've seen enough.
369
00:15:13,530 --> 00:15:15,597
Please don't take Steve away!
370
00:15:17,391 --> 00:15:18,733
Take Steve?
371
00:15:18,735 --> 00:15:22,270
It's not against the law
to have a dinner go badly.
372
00:15:22,272 --> 00:15:24,472
What I really care about is the boy.
373
00:15:24,474 --> 00:15:27,075
And he was smiling all night.
374
00:15:28,212 --> 00:15:32,080
What's healthier than smiling
all the time no matter what?
375
00:15:32,082 --> 00:15:33,815
Now I must be going.
376
00:15:33,817 --> 00:15:35,750
It's elven tradition to view the ring
377
00:15:35,752 --> 00:15:37,719
only through this hole I made.
378
00:15:40,546 --> 00:15:41,689
I believe I see
379
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:45,159
one of Peter Jackson's
curly beard hairs!
380
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,628
Not included.
381
00:15:46,630 --> 00:15:48,530
Good night, Mr. Smith.
382
00:15:51,902 --> 00:15:54,035
We did it, everybody!
383
00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:57,439
Sorry. Forgot my...
384
00:15:58,786 --> 00:16:01,776
- ...coat.
- Something's wrong with your toilet!
385
00:16:01,778 --> 00:16:06,514
Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Ohh!
386
00:16:06,516 --> 00:16:08,783
Wild cats.
387
00:16:08,785 --> 00:16:11,920
Pornos. Toilet man.
388
00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:16,591
A high-end... penis dealer?
389
00:16:16,593 --> 00:16:18,260
It's not what it looks like!
390
00:16:18,262 --> 00:16:21,395
And a talking fish.
391
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,331
I've changed my assessment.
392
00:16:23,333 --> 00:16:25,467
I'm taking the boy.
393
00:16:25,469 --> 00:16:26,935
- No!
- Please!
394
00:16:26,937 --> 00:16:28,270
- We can do better!
- We'll get rid of the fish!
395
00:16:28,272 --> 00:16:29,938
You know what? I'm ready to go.
396
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:33,275
All we had to do was get our
act together for one night.
397
00:16:33,277 --> 00:16:35,343
You know who does have
their act together?
398
00:16:35,345 --> 00:16:37,079
The foster-care system!
399
00:16:37,081 --> 00:16:38,780
Let's go, Hardass.
400
00:16:42,819 --> 00:16:45,554
Great. Now I've lost two things.
401
00:16:51,395 --> 00:16:54,262
I can't believe Steve is gone!
402
00:16:57,334 --> 00:16:59,334
Hi. I'm Jack Hardass.
403
00:16:59,829 --> 00:17:01,336
Jack Hardass?!
404
00:17:01,338 --> 00:17:03,871
This guy had an official lanyard.
405
00:17:03,873 --> 00:17:05,607
He's the real Hardass.
406
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:07,675
Then who's that guy who took Steve?!
407
00:17:07,677 --> 00:17:10,812
A kidnapper!
And a financially savvy one at that.
408
00:17:10,814 --> 00:17:13,148
He wants to exchange the boy for this.
409
00:17:13,150 --> 00:17:16,417
- We have to go save him!
- But we can't let real Hardass know
410
00:17:16,419 --> 00:17:18,553
we gave our son to a kidnapper!
411
00:17:18,555 --> 00:17:20,188
I have an idea.
412
00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:23,891
Hello! I'm Stan... line?
413
00:17:23,893 --> 00:17:25,293
- Smith!
- Smith!
414
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,894
Come in!
415
00:17:29,566 --> 00:17:31,166
Did someone just steal your car?
416
00:17:31,168 --> 00:17:34,436
As long as they don't
steal my precious boy!
417
00:17:34,438 --> 00:17:37,172
I like your attitude, Mr. Smith.
418
00:17:37,907 --> 00:17:40,441
- Where are we doing the exchange?
- We're not.
419
00:17:40,443 --> 00:17:43,311
Steve would never want us
to sacrifice the one ring.
420
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:45,847
So I traced the texts to
the kidnapper's hideout.
421
00:17:45,849 --> 00:17:47,782
We'll steal Steve back.
422
00:17:47,784 --> 00:17:49,584
I just don't get who would do this.
423
00:17:49,586 --> 00:17:52,387
Who would want that ring this badly?
424
00:18:00,129 --> 00:18:02,397
Dear God! It's Elijah Wood!
425
00:18:02,399 --> 00:18:04,065
There's Sean Astin!
426
00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:05,834
Dominic Monaghan!
427
00:18:06,804 --> 00:18:10,005
Jack Hardass is Billy Boyd!
428
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:12,140
The hobbits from "Lord of the Rings"
429
00:18:12,142 --> 00:18:13,475
kidnapped Steve?!
430
00:18:13,477 --> 00:18:15,811
Pernicious Boyd has my precious boy,
431
00:18:15,813 --> 00:18:17,945
and he wants my precious! Oy!
432
00:18:17,947 --> 00:18:19,614
Here's the plan. I sneak in...
433
00:18:19,616 --> 00:18:21,416
Can't I sneak in this time?
434
00:18:21,418 --> 00:18:23,418
You made Hayley and I be the butlers.
435
00:18:23,420 --> 00:18:25,086
We should sneak in.
436
00:18:25,088 --> 00:18:26,354
I sneak in.
437
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,422
- I sneak in.
- We sneak in.
438
00:18:31,228 --> 00:18:32,494
Aah!
439
00:18:32,496 --> 00:18:35,230
Oh, no! Steve was right.
440
00:18:35,232 --> 00:18:39,367
Even when we try to come together,
it's utter chaos!
441
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:40,702
But maybe we could...
442
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:43,438
use that chaos to our advantage?
443
00:18:45,174 --> 00:18:47,308
Why didn't you just steal the ring?
444
00:18:47,310 --> 00:18:49,644
I was so shocked it was on his penis,
445
00:18:49,646 --> 00:18:51,646
I panicked and stole his kid!
446
00:18:51,648 --> 00:18:53,648
This is a bad idea.
447
00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:54,982
You know the rules!
448
00:18:54,984 --> 00:18:58,186
On the set of "Fellowship,"
we swore an oath.
449
00:18:59,835 --> 00:19:02,590
To always support each
other's passion projects
450
00:19:02,592 --> 00:19:04,059
no matter what.
451
00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:07,395
And I need this ring so I can
sell it and use the profits
452
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:11,399
to fund my new tequila brand...
Casa Smeagol's.
453
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:20,275
Hey! Ol' Petey sent us beef Wellingtons!
454
00:19:20,277 --> 00:19:21,409
I'm starved!
455
00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:24,479
That family kept slapping
food out of my hands.
456
00:19:24,481 --> 00:19:28,216
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
457
00:19:31,268 --> 00:19:34,089
Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
458
00:19:34,091 --> 00:19:35,757
Ohh! Ohh!
459
00:19:38,161 --> 00:19:39,494
Oh, yeah!
460
00:19:39,496 --> 00:19:41,629
We're all getting erections!
461
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:45,300
Who knew when I got these for stargazing
462
00:19:45,302 --> 00:19:49,370
I'd be gazing at star
Billy Boyd's boner?!
463
00:19:51,308 --> 00:19:54,576
I'm done joking.
Someone help me out of this thing!
464
00:20:01,719 --> 00:20:03,651
Steve, you were right.
465
00:20:03,653 --> 00:20:06,187
We're so sorry about how we acted.
466
00:20:06,189 --> 00:20:07,723
That's okay, guys!
467
00:20:07,725 --> 00:20:09,657
And I'm sorry I emptied
your college fund
468
00:20:09,659 --> 00:20:11,058
to buy the one ring.
469
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:13,528
You did what?!
470
00:20:13,530 --> 00:20:14,996
He's demanding to see Steve.
471
00:20:14,998 --> 00:20:16,197
He's heading up to his bedroom.
472
00:20:16,199 --> 00:20:18,600
Stall him. Just say something stupid...
473
00:20:18,602 --> 00:20:20,335
like you've realized
family's everything.
474
00:20:20,337 --> 00:20:23,204
I learned to appreciate my family!
475
00:20:23,206 --> 00:20:25,941
Oh, Mr. Smith, that's wonderful.
476
00:20:34,884 --> 00:20:36,684
Just finishing up my homework
477
00:20:36,686 --> 00:20:40,155
on the history of burlap sacks.
478
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:44,026
From fish to sticks,
they truly held it all.
479
00:20:45,028 --> 00:20:47,162
Precious as advertised.
480
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:51,566
What a perfect family! Good night!
481
00:20:54,772 --> 00:20:58,506
My precious family.
482
00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,142
Bye! Have a great time!
483
00:21:02,276 --> 00:21:03,995
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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