All language subtitles for The Exes s03e14 Bachelor Party.eng

Excuse me.

This fell on the floor.

- I believe it's yours.
- Oh, well, thank you.

Haskell Lutz.

Ann Marie.

Hello.

- Hi.
- I'm Steve. Want to get out of here?

Sure. Excuse me.

Tall bastard.

The tall have it made in this world.

Yeah, it was delightful being 12

and having the shop teacher
make me a special desk.

Nevertheless, I'm tired of
losing out to these skyscrapers.

I got everything...
Wit, charm,

the ancient sexual
techniques of the orient.

But when you're under 6 feet,

you're home alone doing the
twisted mantis on yourself.

Oh, no.

You won't believe who
just walked into the bar.

Sabrina, that despicable, devious woman
who had me under her sexual spell.

I thought you broke up with her.

Well, so did I.

Clearly, she's back for
more of daddy's candy.

Lady, I know what you're doing,

but there's no way you're luring
me back into your sick, sexual web.

Oh, gosh.

I see what's going on.

You've obviously mistaken me
for my twin sister, Sabrina.

You're not Sabrina?

Heavens, no. I'm Julie.
And let me assure you

I am nothing like my sister.

I mean, what kind of person enjoys

harassing sick people for
overdue hospital bills?

Yeah. What do you do?

I wash oil off of pelicans.

Oh.

That's beautiful.

Well, Julie, I'm Stuart.

I'm so sorry for storming over here.

Please, let me buy you a drink.

Well, we did just meet, but
you seem like a nice guy.

So sure, what the "h"?

[Laughs]

Hey.

Guess who's been named one of the
top ten most eligible bachelors

in the city by New York Magazine.

I'll give you a hint...

He's smoking hot, and he's
standing right in front of you.

I got nothin'.

Funny.

They're gonna announce it at
a big press party on Saturday.

You're all invited.

There's gonna be open
bar and tons of models.

Where you going?

To peruse the web for a fast-acting,
yet safe bovine growth hormone.

So most eligible bachelor, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow, that's great.

Aren't you forgetting a little something?

- What?
- You have a girlfriend.

Eden... Cute, darling,
about two apples tall?

What? No, look, she'll
totally be down with this.

We're a hip, modern couple,

and it's not like we're joined at the hip.

- Hi, hi.
- Hey.

There's my cool, modern girlfriend.

Mwah.

I got us something.

Pheden hats.

- What's a Pheden?
- We are.

Now that we're a couple,

we're no longer just Phil and Eden.

We're Pheden.

Don't you love it?

- It's awesome!
- Aw.

It's adorable.

Now, you guys are joined at the hat.

[Both laugh]

Oh, and, Pheden, don't you have
some good news to tell Pheden?

What's the good news?

Well, New York Magazine has named me one
of its top ten most eligible bachelors.

Isn't that great?

But you're not eligible. Aw.

Yes, but see, when they contacted
me at that particular time, I was.

Well, why don't you just call them right
back and tell them you have a girlfriend?

Because at this particular time,

the situation has evolved
into a business opportunity.

Think about it...
What better way

to advertise the Phil Chase agency

than Phil Chase's face on
the cover of a magazine?

- I am so impressed...
- Thank you.

That you can say that
all with a straight face.

Phil, I just gave up a weekend
in Vegas with my girlfriends

because I thought we
were in a relationship.

So what, you're saying you
don't want me to go to this?

I'm not saying anything.
The decision is yours.

Well, in that case, I'm gonna do it.

Well, then, I guess you are.

- You wanna grab dinner?
- Not at this particular time.

- synced and corrected by brayanatsix -
- www.addic7ed.com -

S03E14
Bachelor Party

[door opens]

Haskell, you're never gonna believe this.

That woman at the bar was not Sabrina.

Turns out it was her twin sister Julie.

Twin sister, huh?

Yeah, and she's nothing like Sabrina.

She's kind and sensitive.

And we even share the same interests...

Gourmet cooking, ballroom
dancing, antiquing.

You don't go antiquing.

I know, but I look like I do.

Anyway, I made a date with
her for tomorrow night.

Isn't that amazing?

Sabrina has a good twin,

and you just happen to meet her.

I know. What are the chances?

None! Zero! Zilch!

Don't you get it?

Sabrina's just pretending
to be her own twin.

[Laughs] You think... oh, yeah.
She's just crazy enough to do that.

Well, so what am I supposed to do?

I made a date with her.

What could you possibly do?

Those kind of agreements are ironclad.

Hello, Holly, I'm here.

What's the emergency?

I went to a new eyebrow lady,

and she got all distracted,

and it's bad, Eden.

It is bad.

How bad is it?

Oh, my God. You have no eyebrows.

You look like a bond villain.

What am I gonna do?

One of the bachelors at Phil's party

is this hot lawyer, Ed Stevens.

Oh, I've just been dying
to meet him forever,

but I-I can't let him
see me look like this.

I'm sorry you let me see you like this.

You know I can't sleep
after I see a horror film.

Hey, just make me pretty.

All right, jeez.

[Sighs]

So I can't believe you're letting Phil
go through with this bachelor thing.

The decision was his,
and he made the wrong one.

So what are you gonna wear?
It's got to be something hot.

Ooh, how about that
dress that makes you look

like two boobs coming out of a shot glass?

Yes, that would be a good one

if I was going, but I'm not.

Well, you have to go.

I mean, there's gonna be
tons of beautiful women there.

And after all, this is
Phil we're talking about.

No, no, I'm not gonna be one
of those insecure, clingy women

who has to keep tabs on her man.

- You look surprised.
- I'm not surprised.

I'm worried. I'm concerned.

No, I mean your eyebrows.

Haskell, guess what.

I did some checking,

and it turns out Julie really does exist.

Mm-hmm, she has a Facebook page,

a Twitter account, and a website.

That proves nothing.

Google "Dr. Rhett McLellan."

That's you in a lab coat.

Indeed.

And yes, that is the space shuttle

in the background.

So you're saying that Sabrina just
created an online persona to fool me?

Well, I wouldn't put it past her.

But how am I gonna find out for sure?

Did Sabrina have any distinguishing scars,

moles,

extra nipples?

I've known one or two thripples in my time.

Oh, wait.

She does have a tattoo of a
winking Satan on her inner thigh.

So now, all I have to do is
find a way to get a peek at it.

If it's not there, I'll know it's Julie.

Sounds like a plan.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to
try on my new pair of height helpers.

You bought elevator shoes?

Don't you judge me.

You could use a few inches yourself.

[Scatting]

Hey, I thought I heard you.

Where you been?

You know, out, just doing a
little shopping for the party.

Uhhuh, uh-huh. Is that a new suit?

Yeah, it's a business suit

because that's what
this is about, business.

Uhhuh.

You know what? Maybe I should come.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, what kind of girlfriend would
I be if I wasn't there to support you?

You know, for business.

Uh, see, the thing is

I would love that, but I don't think

the magazine would look kindly

on one of their bachelors
having a girlfriend.

Oh, don't worry. They'll never know.

I'll just be another
single girl at the party.

[Giggles]

But, Phil, this is your night,

and I don't want you to feel
uncomfortable if I'm there.

So it's your decision.

- Oh, well, in that case...
- Well, I'm going.

You know, are you sure my
eyebrows don't look fake

and you can't see the glue?

I want to look perfect
for hot lawyer, Ed Stevens.

They look fine. Now
put that away and relax.

Relax? I got donor eyebrows.

Hello, ladies.

Oh, Haskell, do you have any idea

how ridiculous you look
in those elevator shoes?

Said the woman wearing
Mr. potato head eyebrows.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to peruse the
talent from my lofty perch.

Ugh, there he is.

New York's most eligible boyfriend.

[Sighs] Look at those sad, desperate
women try to sink their claws into...

[Gasps] Holy crap.

There's hot lawyer, Ed Stevens.

Wish me luck.

All right, one more picture, on three.

One, two, three, say...

Hey, girl.

Is this the line to get my picture
taken with eligible bachelor Phil Chase?

[Chuckling]

Uh, hey, Eden.

It looks like business is just booming.

Come on, you know at the end of the night,

you're still my... There you are.

Hey, Leila. This is my friend Eden.

Eden, Leila's the feature
editor for the magazine.

She's the one that picked me to be in it.

Well, it wasn't hard.

I mean, is this guy a hottie or what?

I don't know. I haven't
seen the other nine yet.

Well, excuse me, just for one moment.

I'm gonna have to steal him away.

Phil, a lot of single ladies
here that want to meet you.

- Come on. Sorry, I gotta...
- Don't worry, no. You know what?

Give me a call sometime, buddy, okay?

We'll shoot some hoops.

Eden?

Oh, my God. Ashley?

Hi. How was Vegas?

It was awesome.

We cruised the strip in a limo,

we got bottle service at the ghost bar,

and Courtney may have married
a pirate from treasure island.

[Laughter]

I'm so jealous.

Wait, what are you doing here?
I thought you had a boyfriend.

Not tonight.

Then come on, let's party, do some shots.

Let's get stupid.

[Laughter]

So, Ed, you're a lawyer too?

Yeah, I'm surprised I never see you

- around the courthouse.
- Me too.

You know, Holly, I'm
supposed to be circulating

and meeting some of the other women,

but for some reason, I don't want to.

Ed, you know all the right things to say.

[Knocks at door]

- Hello, Julie.
- Hello, Stuart.

Are you ready for a night
of Shakespeare in the park?

I brought an extra tushy cushion.

Oh.

So thoughtful. Come in. Thanks.

Um... [Clears throat]

Why don't we have some wine first?

Oh, dare I?

Well, what the "h"? It is the weekend.

And what goes better with
wine than a little mood music?

[Tango music]

Heavens, what kind of mood are you in?

When I hear this music,

I feel it in every fiber of my being.

I feel it in the very
cool-de-sac of my soul.

And I... I just have to dance.

Do you tango?

Well, Stuart, the truth is

I'm mad for it.

Then let's.

Oh. [Sighs]

[Grunts]

You've done this before, haven't you?

Oh, I'm no stranger

to the Argentinean dance of love.

[Sighs]

Stuart, I think the dip is over.

Just waiting for the beat.

Ah. [Grunts]

You really like your dips, don't you?

It's my signature move.

I like them too, but I also like

dancing face to... whoa.

Stuart, I'm getting light-headed.

Yeah, almost there.

- Almost there.
- Cheese and crackers!

Is that a dental mirror?

Stuart, what do you think you're doing?

I'm sorry. [Music stops]

I'm sorry. I know how this must look.

I was just trying to
make sure you didn't have

a tattoo on your inner thigh,

so I would know that you weren't Sabrina.

I told you I wasn't. You didn't believe me?

Well, you two look exactly alike.

Jiminy Christmas, Stuart,
that's why we're called twins.

Oh, where do I see myself in ten years?

That's a great question.

Um, oh, you know, I've always dreamt

of being a judge and dispensing justice

from the bench, being wise but tough,

and above all, dignified.

You seem surprised.

No, no, it's just you have something...

Oh, is it an eyelash?

You want to pull it off and make a wish?

Excuse me. I have to do something else.

What was that all about?

[Gasps]

Holy crap. I've got a slider.

The trouble with my lamborghini

is having to fold my
6-foot-plus frame into it.

[Laughter]

Oh, sorry for droning on
about my tall-man problems.

Please, I could listen
to you talk all night.

As could I.

Allow me to refresh your drink, my dove.

[Chuckles]

[Grunts] Jeez.

[Groans]

Wait, you were faking it.

You're not tall. [Scoffs]

[Groans]

In my heart I'm a sexy giant

with needs.

- Down in one!
- Down in one!

[Laughs]

Eden, we're all going to hear
my friend spin at club shelter.

Wanna come?

I'm there. God, I missed you guys.

Oh, we've missed you too.

[Laughter]

Okay.

Hey, hey, Eden, they're
about to take the cover shot.

Then you and I, we can get out of here.

Actually, I'm going
out with my girlfriends.

Yeah, but I want to spend
the night with my girlfriend.

You don't have a girlfriend, remember?

I'm just your buddy Eden.

Oh, so that's what this is about.

This is payback.

I can't believe you're doing this.

I'm not doing anything.

Go, be single.

But I'm not single.

I'm with you!

[Knocks at door]

- Hi.
- Hey.

Thought you were hanging
out with your friends.

I wanted to see you.

Good, I wanted to see you too.

I don't blame you for giving
me a hard time at the party.

I deserved it.

But that's in the past now,

and I am ready

to be Pheden.

The thing is

I don't know if I am.

What?

I had a blast with my friends tonight,

and it made me realize I went

from being a fun-loving girl

to a clingy, needy girlfriend

who makes silly hats.

That's not me.

Eden, let's not blow
this out of proportion.

Phil, look.

I thought I was ready for a
serious relationship, okay?

But I'm not, and neither are you.

- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.

Come on, be honest. I saw you tonight.

Tell me a part of you didn't
love being single again.

Okay, maybe a little part.

Phil.

Maybe a little bigger part.

We... We jumped into this really fast,

and it's been fun.

- It's been tons of fun.
- [Laughs] Yeah.

But these last couple days...

- Not so much fun?
- Mm-mm.

Look, we... We started as friends.

But if we keep going, I'm just afraid
that we're not gonna end up that way.

That's the last thing I'd ever want.

Me too.

So friends.

With benefits. [Laughs]

- Friends.
- Friends.

Friends.

You know, Stuart,

I've done a lot of soul-searching,

and I decided that buying

those elevator shoes was an idiotic idea.

I'm seeing a man in Chinatown tomorrow

to get my neck stretched.

You know what? Don't talk to me.

Because of you, I blew it with Julie.

It turns out she really is Sabrina's twin.

So there was no tattoo?

[Sighs] I didn't get that far.

Believe it or not, nice girls take offense

when you try to peek up their skirt

with a dental mirror.

And now, I'll never see her again.

[Laughs] Oh, yes, you will.

Don't you get it? There is no Julie.

There's just Sabrina playing the long con.

The long con?

It's all part of her plan

to lure you back into her sexual clutches.

She'll find some reason to forgive you.

Trust me, you haven't seen the last of her.

Ooh, look who's here.

What a surprise.

Oh, jeez.

Forgive me, sir.

Stuart, I've had time to think,

and now I understand why
you thought I was Sabrina.

This is exactly the kind
of sick game she would play,

so let's start over.

I mean, jeepers creepers,

it's not every day

I meet such a kind,
sweet, compassionate man.

You slimy succubus.

Go sink your twisted claws

into some other gullible fool.

Hi there, lover.

Sabrina?

Stop following me, Sabrina.

I told you, I am not
pulling the plug on mom.

She's suffered long enough.

She had lasik surgery.

Oh, my God, there really are two of you.

Yes, and you deserve each other.

[Sighs]

Looks like it's just us.

There's no us.

That hand caps tools
still has our names on it.

Oh... What the "h".

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- www.addic7ed.com -

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