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1
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:28,000
Ripped By mstoll
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00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,868
Good evening. Customer service.
3
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,496
Yes. I had, uh,
some suggestions
4
00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,498
I'd like to talk to you about.
5
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,751
(sighs)
Oh, a talker.
6
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:44,879
(stilted voice): You have reached
our Automated Suggestion Center.
7
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,256
Please leave your message for...
8
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,304
Phillip Martin.
9
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,936
But then the rash went away,
10
00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,896
and I could wear pants again!
11
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:58,438
Yup.
12
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,020
Dale.
13
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,488
Hank's going to become
a tugboat captain.
14
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,857
Yup.
15
00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:09,741
Gla-gla ixnap bongo.
16
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:11,162
Mm-hmm.
17
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,371
(sighs)
18
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,412
No one listens to me.
19
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,456
Do you guys think
horses remember things
20
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,586
from when they were little?
21
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:23,004
The picture's so blurry.
22
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,220
Is that what's-his-name
from 90210,
23
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,430
or what's-his-name
from Growing Up Brady?
24
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,262
I'm fed up with this TV.
25
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,430
We have got to get a new one.
26
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:36,522
(gasps)
Perhaps even a flat-screen TV?
27
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,515
Absolutely.
28
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,391
Hank!
Dad!
29
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,268
Okay, whatever it is,
30
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,362
let's just slow down here.
31
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:46,481
We don't need an expensive
32
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:48,449
flat-screen TV, Peggy.
33
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:53,365
That CSI lady looks just fine
on the TV we've already got.
34
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:56,492
Well, sure, we don't need one,
Hank, but I want one,
35
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:59,370
and I am prepared
to pay for it myself.
36
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:03,169
You haven't sold a house
in six months, Peggy.
37
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,468
You know, if you put it
on a credit card,
38
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,095
I still have to pay for it?
39
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:12,182
You don't think I can pay
for this TV, do you, Hank?
40
00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,517
Well, uh...
41
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,725
(sighs)
no.
42
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,856
Bobby, get ready
for the biggest, flattest TV
43
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,691
you have ever seen in your life.
44
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,560
Peggy, you don't
have to do this.
45
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,313
We'll just keep the TV we have.
46
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,441
No, let her do it, Dad.
47
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,408
It will help her to heal.
48
00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:35,368
I shopped around all day,
49
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,742
and the good flat-screens
still cost a lot more
50
00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:39,459
than I have in my savings.
51
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:40,418
Good flat-screens?
52
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:44,002
Oh, you mean, like... this?
53
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,419
Yes, Minh, like that.
54
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,258
I will get the money somehow.
55
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:52,472
I just have to come up
with a clever invention.
56
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:55,430
Something that lights up and
that kids put on their shoes.
57
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,052
Or you could get another job.
58
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:59,521
I bet there's a lot of wives
that would like you
59
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,730
to be their husband's secretary.
60
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:04,101
No need to work for TV money.
61
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,729
Make your personal savings work
for you.
62
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,072
Listen to my secret friend.
63
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,487
The Dow Genius.
64
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:14,202
So, we had a down day
in the market.
65
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,912
AUTOMATED VOICES:
Oh!
66
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,247
Do we get scared?
67
00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,456
(scream)
68
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,496
No! We go to Brazil
69
00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:23,416
where they are cornering
the bird flu vaccine market.
70
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:27,799
Buy Bioteca De'Brasilia!
71
00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:31,512
Symbol: BDSA.
72
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,722
(bells clanging, horns blaring)
73
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,216
Well, this is amazing!
74
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,309
I am in for a thousand.
75
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,520
I will buy a gigundo new TV.
76
00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:44,267
For Hank, it will be 79 inches
of "So there!"
77
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,519
Hey, maybe I go in
for a grand myself.
78
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,896
I'll sell a few guns
and invest, too.
79
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,445
Financial dignity might be
an interesting switch for me.
80
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:05,371
Minh, our stock has lost 20%
in a few days!
81
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:08,123
Is there any chance
we can return our stocks
82
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:09,670
at the earlier price?
83
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,509
DOW GENIUS:
Okay.
84
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,503
So the market's had a downturn.
85
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:16,507
The Genius feels your pain!
86
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,508
Ow! Ow!
87
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:19,760
Ow!
88
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,103
This is crazy.
89
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,722
Every time we obey his shouting,
I lose more money.
90
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,520
We should just cut our losses.
91
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:29,145
I'm gonna admit failure and ask
Nancy to reinstate my allowance.
92
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:32,774
No, I will not be a failure
or look like one.
93
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,400
I have got to win at this.
94
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:35,988
We are overdue.
95
00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,406
Come on, you idiot.
96
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,450
Tell us something brilliant.
97
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,995
People, you have to remember
98
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,493
that everybody invests
differently.
99
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:47,497
When the market is slow,
buy what you know.
100
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,965
Buy the companies that make
101
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:52,505
what the average people
are buying.
102
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,004
He has a point.
103
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,426
We need to study America,
104
00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,392
and invest
in what America wants to buy.
105
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,976
Okay, good.
106
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,016
What? What do people like
to buy?
107
00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,229
I don't know.
108
00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:07,224
Lychee nuts? Opera CDs?
109
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,818
Those new Russian bullets
that will go through anything!
110
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,357
Uh, no, not you two.
111
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:12,479
America.
112
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,856
What does Joe Blow buy?
113
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,323
Beats me.
I give up.
114
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,693
Then we are going
on a field trip.
115
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:20,036
America, roll up your sleeve.
116
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:23,407
Peggy Hill is about
to take your pulse.
117
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:34,001
Okay, they out of pretzels,
but not popcorn.
118
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,503
Chocolate snack cakes
are sold out, too,
119
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,005
but not pound cake.
120
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,847
There has to be a pattern here.
121
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,467
There's no pattern, Peggy!
122
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,011
It's like Americans
are just a bunch of pigs
123
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,387
rooting aimlessly in the dirt.
124
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Look at that!
125
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,436
Who on earth would buy
something as repulsive
126
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,692
as chocolate-covered
potato chips?
127
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,357
(grunts)
128
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,524
Sorry, Minh.
129
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,942
Oh, hi, Minh!
130
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,485
I'm just so excited
they restocked
131
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,358
the chocolate-covered
potato chips!
132
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,156
These things fly off the rack.
133
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,245
I need this and this,
and this and this...
134
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:03,784
Mine!
135
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:06,283
I need extra,
so I'm covered for the weekends.
136
00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:15,046
(whispers): Minh, look
what's in Bill's cart.
137
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,918
He got the snack cakes,
138
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:19,421
the pretzels,
the aerosol cheese.
139
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:22,015
What he buys,
the rest of them buy.
140
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,475
Think about it.
141
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,011
Bill is middle-aged, obese,
142
00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:29,106
with disposable income,
and poor impulse control.
143
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,099
He is the average
American consumer.
144
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,522
Bill is our golden pig!
145
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:34,895
Ho, yeah!
146
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,750
Hmm. Oh! I need
jumbo wrap!
147
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,836
Mega-Lo-Wrap. Check.
148
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,455
What on earth he wrapping
with that much wrap?
149
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,708
The American consumer
doesn't know.
150
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,210
All it knows is it must wrap.
151
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,797
You know, I know it's just Bill,
152
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,265
but something doesn't feel right
about this.
153
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,055
Do-Do you think
we should tell him?
154
00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:07,473
We can't tell him.
155
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,721
People act most natural
156
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,438
when they don't know
they're being observed.
157
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,100
I cite as evidence
several hundred episodes
158
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,022
of Candid Camera.
159
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,649
Hmm.
160
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,614
Let's... see.
161
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:26,079
I like shopping with all of you.
162
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:28,449
Usually, the only people
who talk to me in stores
163
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,871
are older gay men
who've dropped their standards.
164
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:33,245
Well, buy something already!
165
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,496
Okay!
166
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,965
Ooh!
167
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,672
I read about this.
168
00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,011
A mini jungle gym
169
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,720
for your cats to play in.
170
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,430
You don't have any cats.
171
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:47,221
Well, I might... some day.
172
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,231
BILL:
Ooh!
173
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,022
Castle Wolfehammer 9!
174
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,486
"Sergeant Vengeance battles
the Furious Fuhrer!"
175
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,157
Hey, C-Hammer Nine!
176
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:03,650
Right On!
177
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:05,906
So, Bill,
178
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,746
where ya feel like
going for lunch, huh?
179
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:19,503
So. Heh. "That's
a Real Italiano!"
180
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,500
Heh-heh.
181
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,502
Home of the Spaghetti Sandwich.
182
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,255
I recommend the Jumbo
Spaghetti Sandwich.
183
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,472
It's my favorite.
184
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,858
Well, it certainly
is... popular.
185
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,773
(whispers)
And publicly traded.
186
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,442
Ho, yeah.
187
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,452
(cheering)
All right!
188
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,497
This one here is
top-of-the-line.
189
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:56,711
If it's the top of the line,
I'll take it.
190
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,502
Uh, care to add
a "Super-Surround" system,
191
00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,499
with ultra stereo boost?
192
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:02,876
Throw it in.
193
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,179
Well, here we go.
194
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,977
Everyone ready?
195
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,474
(blaring):
It's third and eleven
196
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:18,817
the Cowboys have got to pass...
(shrieks)
197
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,527
Oh, my gosh, Hank, turn it down.
198
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,066
Turn it down, Hank!
199
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,657
I can't tell... which button.
200
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,525
Dad! Make it stop!
201
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,328
Oh, goodness.
202
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,742
Well, it's got
a little something
203
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,160
under the hood there,
doesn't it?
204
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,908
I'm proud of you, Peggy.
205
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:41,833
I cannot believe this amazing TV
is really in our house!
206
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,925
Yeah, Peggy, how did
you afford this?
207
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,136
I mean, it had to be
pretty expensive.
208
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:49,506
Hugely expensive, but that
does not matter anymore.
209
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:52,305
I am so excited
I can finally tell you.
210
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,429
I have discovered
a secret gold mine.
211
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:59,524
Uh, I don't like the way
you just said "gold mine."
212
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,518
What do you mean?
213
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,067
...so we made all
this crazy money,
214
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,156
just by studying Bill.
215
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,193
You don't look proud
of me anymore.
216
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,911
Well, I wonder why not.
217
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,701
Peggy, you used Bill.
218
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,243
You have to fix this.
219
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,868
I hope you're not gonna say
we should get rid of the TV.
220
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,915
Well, of course not...
It's incredible...
221
00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:22,505
But you have to tell Bill
what you've been doing.
222
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,044
Promise me you'll do that.
223
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,010
Then let's go back to watching
this amazing thing.
224
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:35,723
So... you were...
studying me?
225
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,897
You listened to me!
226
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,436
My opinions made a difference!
227
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,852
So you're not mad?
228
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:47,231
No. I'm honored that
you cared what I thought.
229
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,824
You folks feelin' like dessert?
230
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,160
Yeah. Bill, dessert!
231
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,449
What do you, want
to have? Huh?
232
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,667
Hmm...
233
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,002
Good point.
234
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:04,464
What does Bill want for dessert?
235
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:10,345
HANK: And it displays
windows within windows.
236
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,886
I still haven't figured out how
to make those go away, though.
237
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:16,510
It's so nice when people care
what you have to say.
238
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,103
Hank, why didn't you ever
tell me what it was like?
239
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,473
Well, I'm just happy
you're okay with it.
240
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,099
I thought it might
make you angry.
241
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,727
Of course you thought
Bill would think that.
242
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,650
But only Bill knows
what Bill thinks.
243
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:31,650
You have this nice TV because
I have the power of being me.
244
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,492
Bill, you don't have powers.
245
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:35,862
It works because you're so...
typical.
246
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,330
Still...
247
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,165
you're not the one
who's typical, I am.
248
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,125
I buy things,
and it makes money,
249
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,494
so we can buy more things.
250
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:43,665
I'm like an ecosystem.
251
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,083
BOBBY:
Dad, look!
252
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:49,004
Two Rob Schneider movies
on-screen at the same time.
253
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,877
You're welcome, Bobby.
254
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,506
So, how are our
profits this week?
255
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:55,677
Minimal.
256
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,516
We need to diversify.
257
00:11:57,508 --> 00:12:01,229
All our positions are still
in junk food and cat toys.
258
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:05,351
"Hedge funds...
global indicators..."
259
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,978
Hey, this "tech sector" stuff
must be important.
260
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,775
The article on it
is really long.
261
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:10,897
Check this out:
262
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,490
there's a big computer
trade show
263
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:13,779
in Austin next week.
264
00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,402
Okay, computers.
265
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,411
What will Bill pick for us?
Robots?
266
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,449
I hope he chooses some robots.
267
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,547
Wow... it's so incredible.
268
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,336
So this is the future, huh?
269
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:35,555
(sighing)
270
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:41,473
I don't know.
271
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,354
Everybody's so cool.
272
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:45,519
It's not about being cool, Bill.
273
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,142
Most people aren't cool.
274
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:50,691
This is about what regular
Americans are going to buy.
275
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,816
Now... digital cameras.
What do you like?
276
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,488
Well, I just...
277
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,736
I don't know...
278
00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,032
I mean, I, I think...
279
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:01,030
Don't think about it.
Just be Bill.
280
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:06,495
PEGGY: Come on, Bill.
Just pick something.
281
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,462
(mumbling):
I don't know. I don't know.
282
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,421
I... I... I...
283
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,506
Damn it. We broke him.
284
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,095
He's useless now.
285
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,509
This is classic Heisenberg.
286
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:18,722
The observer effect.
287
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:19,887
Observer? Wha...?
288
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,135
The very act of observation
289
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,012
interferes with the outcome,
290
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:26,390
often misattributed
to Heisenberg,
291
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,518
who was wrong about the bomb,
but right about uncertainty.
292
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,020
See, now you're watching you.
293
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,397
And that's the problem.
294
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,364
It shows up in Al theory, too.
295
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:36,949
Quite so.
296
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,488
Anyway, this thing is a wash.
297
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,827
You're broken.
298
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,492
Game over.
299
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,239
Oh, dang it.
I was gonna get Hank
300
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,912
a La-Z-Boy with
a fridge in it.
301
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:46,250
They have those.
302
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,711
Eh, it was pretty good
while it lasted.
303
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,753
No! It's not over!
304
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:53,921
I can still do it!
305
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,918
America will love, uh...
306
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,511
this!
307
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,505
No, wait. Come back!
308
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,257
Come ba... I'm still Bill.
309
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,509
I can pick winners.
310
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,806
Nobody can be Bill like me.
311
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,429
I'll show them.
312
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,098
I have to show them.
313
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,486
(woman's voice):
This is 24-7 Stockz.
314
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:18,904
So, what are we trading?
315
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,902
Hi. If, if I use
my savings
316
00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,870
and take out a second mortgage
on my house,
317
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,489
can I open a trading account?
318
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:25,911
You betcha.
319
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,831
Good because I want
to buy, buy, buy.
320
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,508
Well, what do we do next?
321
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,800
Now that Bill's melted down,
he won't be any help anymore.
322
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,514
How about we try
the Dow Genius again?
323
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,508
DOW GENIUS:
Let me put it this way,
324
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:47,229
ZNE Technologies
is like a Mafia wife...
325
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,018
Do not touch!
326
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:51,516
Okay, next caller
is Bill from Texas.
327
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:53,234
Howdy, cowboy.
328
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,025
BILL:
I've gone broke.
329
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,490
Well, maybe it's not our Bill.
330
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:00,859
Okay, Bill from Arlen, Texas
is broke.
331
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,485
Happens to the best of us,
big man.
332
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:03,828
So, what do you got for me?
333
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:04,821
Uh-oh.
334
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,119
Please, please help me.
335
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,834
I've mortgaged my house;
I used all my savings
336
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,499
to invest in a sure thing,
but then...
337
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,337
Whoa, slim, you telling me
338
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,502
you bet your whole nut
on one stock?
339
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,500
Give me the nutcracker.
340
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,752
Let's see it.
341
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,222
Don't laugh at me.
342
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,887
I was once
a stock-picking genius,
343
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,806
but I made so much money
for my friends...
344
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,850
(sobbing)
345
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:32,190
(clicks TV off)
346
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:39,030
We're still not 100% certain
that was our Bill.
347
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,364
(doorbell ringing repeatedly)
348
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,484
Minh? Are you home?
349
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,986
Peggy? Anyone?
350
00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:46,488
(moaning)
351
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,661
Maybe we should just go out
there and, and talk to him.
352
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,500
And say what?
353
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:54,496
Sorry, your life is somehow
even worse than it was?
354
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,294
Yeah, and besides we didn't
do anything wrong.
355
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,511
Oh, come on, we used him for our
own gain until we broke him,
356
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:02,879
and then we cast him aside?
357
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:05,507
Then, in a desperate attempt
to regain our love,
358
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,383
he lost everything he owned.
359
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,306
But other than that,
we're good, right?
360
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,474
(Bill blubbering)
361
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:17,527
(blubbering and sobbing)
362
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:20,488
(speaking Turkish)
363
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,482
What are these words?
364
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,325
Can't we get rid of those guys?
365
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:25,443
Who are they?
366
00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:27,320
No idea. Dang it.
367
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,664
There are so many buttons
on this remote.
368
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,461
Ew!
Ew!
369
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:42,002
Oh, it hurts my eyes!
It's too detailed!
370
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,845
This is what madness
must feel like!
371
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,512
Oh, thank goodness.
372
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,431
Somehow it went to sleep.
373
00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:53,221
(Bill sobbing)
374
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,689
Now what?
What's that voice?
375
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,182
It's just Bill.
376
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,605
(Bill blubbering)
377
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,103
(sighs)
378
00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,480
He doesn't sound too good.
379
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,029
BILL:
My strategy was sound.
380
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,492
I leveraged liquidity,
381
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:08,737
but there were negative
market corrections.
382
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,738
Overall I give myself
an "A" for theory.
383
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:13,457
Bill, you don't know
what any of those words mean.
384
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:16,916
I just wanted people
to listen to me, Hank.
385
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,504
It's so awful being ignored.
386
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:21,090
You know what's gonna
be even more awful?
387
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,299
You're gonna lose your house.
388
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,009
How much are you
on the hook for?
389
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,799
(sighs)
A lot.
390
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,844
And not my usual "a lot."
This time I'm being accurate.
391
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,432
(sighs) Dang it.
392
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,514
All right, I'm gonna
go find the others.
393
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,387
(loud fanfare)
(all gasp)
394
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,765
(classical music blares)
395
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:39,187
It was on "Sleep."
396
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,402
And then it stopped sleeping.
397
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,488
Don't leave us alone with it.
398
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,732
Unplug it to be sure.
399
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,449
Who knows what it'll do next?
400
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:56,617
(screaming)
401
00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:01,839
Oh, thank God!
I thought you were Bill!
402
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,504
How could you three do this?
403
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,376
You know the way Bill is,
404
00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:07,470
but you took him out
for a spin anyway.
405
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:08,462
It's like you had a truck
406
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,428
with faulty brakes,
but you just didn't care.
407
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,676
We feel terrible.
408
00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,177
I want to help,
409
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:16,895
but the Gribbles have a long
history of making things worse.
410
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,230
Well...
411
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,350
I guess we could sell off
our holdings
412
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:22,272
to pay off Bill's
mortgage ourselves.
413
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,485
Hank, I know how much
you love it,
414
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,279
but the TV came
from using Bill and...
415
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,322
Sell it.
416
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,286
Yes, anything to, uh...
417
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,495
help our friend.
418
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,660
You are an inspiration, Hank.
419
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,159
(cheering)
420
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,496
$5,000?
421
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,206
That's nowhere near enough.
422
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:19,041
The man mortgaged his house.
423
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,211
How about this:
424
00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:24,046
instead of selling
off more guns,
425
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,507
I could just leave a few out
on Bill's doorstep,
426
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,501
and let come what may.
427
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:29,969
(sighs)
428
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,509
Let's just give him this much.
429
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,475
It's better than nothing,
and at least we tried.
430
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,232
Thank you all.
It's awfully generous.
431
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:44,646
But I won't need this money now.
432
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:45,939
It turns out after all that...
433
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,903
MAN: You know where
a working man
434
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,772
can get a cold beer around here?
435
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:50,898
In the kitchen.
436
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:55,737
Even total strangers don't care
if they interrupt me.
437
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,488
Sorry, Bill. Looks like
he's here helping Buck
438
00:19:57,488 --> 00:19:58,990
move the TV today.
439
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:00,206
Go on.
440
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,792
What's the use?
441
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,833
Anyway, thanks for the money,
but I'm safe now.
442
00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:06,456
I declared bankruptcy
this morning.
443
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,499
You declared bankruptcy?
444
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:10,001
Well, it's Texas, Hank.
445
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,173
They're pretty efficient
about this sort of thing.
446
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:15,048
They even had a special
E-Z-Broke phone line.
447
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,800
Anyway, I won't take up
any more of your time...
448
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,973
Whoa, hold on, friend,
not so fast.
449
00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,437
Did you just say you got
450
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,773
a bona fide,
state-certified bankruptcy?
451
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,108
Yeah.
452
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,148
Ooh, how does that work?
453
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,192
Do you have to declare
all of your assets
454
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,860
or can you keep
your offshore money?
455
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,733
And who were you hiding
your money from?
456
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,485
Your wife? The government?
457
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:37,236
I want to go bankrupt some day.
458
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,204
I just want to owe
a little more first.
459
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,493
Is it hard to pull off?
460
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:43,163
Oh, no, it was so easy,
even I could do it.
461
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,958
Well, don't just repeat
that part, my man.
462
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,376
Give us the whole gory details.
463
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:52,252
Wow, I can't believe you want
to hear what I have to say.
464
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,132
Well, Buck, if you'll
465
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:59,805
hand me that beer, I'll
tell you all about it.
466
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:00,972
Fantastic.
467
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,515
Darrin, this could take a while.
468
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,388
Man, I'm all over this.
469
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:07,517
Apparently, there are
a lot of bankruptcies.
470
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,110
The E-Z-Broke guy
was very helpful...
471
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,945
Let me tell you,
it's pretty scary
472
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,439
seeing all those zeroes
at first, but...
473
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:56,775
BILL: Hank's going to become
a tugboat captain.
474
00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:07,500
Ripped By mstoll
475
00:22:07,550 --> 00:22:12,100
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