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1
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,635
Okay, I'm at my
turnaround point.
2
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:42,401
My breathing has
just turned labored.
3
00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:43,977
Just a little further, Bobby.
4
00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:45,636
Flora, unexceptional.
5
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:46,804
Fauna, one box turtle.
6
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,848
I'm sorry, Hank.
7
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:50,713
This will not make my article
8
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,411
of "Arlen's Unforgettable Hikes
You Can Not Afford To Miss."
9
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,682
But we haven't gotten
to the best part yet.
10
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,985
Wait till you see
the Teakettle of the Mount.
11
00:00:58,125 --> 00:01:00,150
For years, this miracle
of erosion
12
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,022
has been a symbol of Arlen.
13
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:03,891
Now, I know what
you'll be thinking.
14
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:07,399
Could Mother Nature carve a hill
to look just like a teakettle,
15
00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:09,525
or did early man
help her out?
16
00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:11,035
Well, that's part
of the fun of...
17
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:12,070
Hey, look!
18
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:13,536
We're passing a dump!
19
00:01:16,109 --> 00:01:17,167
The Teakettle!
20
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,539
...And the graffiti!
21
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,278
You know, if the Class
of '02 really "ruled,"
22
00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:27,854
they wouldn't need
to write it on a rock.
23
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,650
You know what
we need to dol?
24
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:33,056
We need to march right up there
and clean up the Teakettle
25
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,959
and then march right back down
and clean my bathroom!
26
00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:39,397
I say, since alien explorers
constructed the Teakettle,
27
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,399
it's their job to maintain it.
28
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:43,765
We can't wait
for alien explorers
29
00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:46,669
to solve
all our problems, Dale.
30
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,434
I'm going to the Mayor
and demand action.
31
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:49,509
Bah.
32
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,008
That Mayor is a shell,
33
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,704
a mere husk of a man.
34
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,338
The real power is with
that new City Manager.
35
00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:58,417
He tells the Mayor
when to jump and how high
36
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:00,213
and often where to land.
37
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,719
Is that the guy
38
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:03,551
who turned the hoses
on the street musicians?
39
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:05,587
Good man.
40
00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:09,793
That's my dad and me
41
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,125
in front of the Teakettle.
42
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,829
I'm, uh, pretending
I'm a teakettle.
43
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,733
So how quickly
you think
44
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,602
you can geta crew
up there?
45
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,640
It's about 3:30 right now.
46
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,506
Hank, I wish I had the money
to clean your rock.
47
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,009
Heck, I wish I had the money
48
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,978
to pipe hot fudge
into every house in Arlen.
49
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,673
Who's talking about that?
50
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,217
But I was hired away
from Henrietta, Oklahoma,
51
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,547
to get Arlen's
financial house in order.
52
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,054
Now, should I spend
the town's limited funds
53
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,181
on fire engines and police cars
54
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,793
or on helping you
recapture your childhood?
55
00:02:40,927 --> 00:02:42,088
Well, I never said I...
56
00:02:42,195 --> 00:02:43,287
( clearing throat ).
Excuse me.
57
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,331
Mr. Gilbert,
I am a member
58
00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:46,991
of either the fourth
or fifth estate,
59
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:48,795
the journalistic
community.
60
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,529
How would you like
61
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:52,935
the Arlen Bystander's
endorsement next election?
62
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,474
I'm appointed,
not elected.
63
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,042
Oh.
64
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,111
How would you like
to get a recipe published?
65
00:02:58,245 --> 00:02:59,770
Folks, if you'll excuse me,
66
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,281
Henrietta, Oklahoma,
didn't turn itself around,
67
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:03,474
and neither will Arlen.
68
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,479
Mister, you are just asking
for a letter.
69
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,354
I am not gonna
let this go!
70
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,291
If the city won't help me
clean up the Teakettle,
71
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:16,794
I'll clean it up Mmyself!
72
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,627
And I will cover your story
in the Bystander!
73
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,064
I'll rally hundreds
of affluent, active,
74
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,636
slightly elderly readers.
75
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,033
Hey, maybe you can write
76
00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,401
something about
the Teakettle's history--
77
00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:28,565
Show everyone
why it's so important.
78
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,006
You fight
the impossible fight.
79
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,579
I will make it important.
80
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,352
Teakettle, eh?
81
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:45,720
Someone jump from it?
82
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:46,952
No.
83
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,323
Hmm... Helicopter
smash into it?
84
00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:50,021
No.
85
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:53,189
Well, a word of advice
from one scribe to another:
86
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:56,131
Our readers like stories
they like to read.
87
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,795
The Teakettle's a loser.
88
00:03:58,004 --> 00:03:59,233
Abandon ship.
89
00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:08,812
( Sighing )
90
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,448
HANK:
! worked all day
91
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,679
and barely scratched
the surface.
92
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,516
Oh, don't give up hope.
93
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:16,987
It turns out
that the kettle
94
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,751
was a big name
draw in its day.
95
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:22,522
President Garfield was here
before his assassination.
96
00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:25,997
And look-- the Texas Rangers
built a fort next to it!
97
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:29,068
There is the 1884 Notre Dame
football team...
98
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:30,829
and Mark Twain...
99
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,963
Wow, the Texas Rangers
and Mark Twain!
100
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,098
Qur little Teakettle, huh?
101
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,040
And there's more!
102
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,078
Arlen used to be
called "Harlen,"
103
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,078
but over the years
the "H" was dropped.
104
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:44,275
Maybe someday Houston
will become Quston.
105
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:45,647
Who are these ladies?
106
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:47,311
You are not gonna
believe this,
107
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,683
but Arlen was
founded by women!
108
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,086
This one lady here
109
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:53,455
owned the largest
pork ranchero in town,
110
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,359
and this one was one of the
Governor's closest advisors.
111
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,953
Well, keep digging, Peggy.
112
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,964
This is the kind
of gold we need.
113
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:01,761
Oh, I'll dig all right, Hank.
114
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,836
My brain is a shovel.
115
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:09,767
Bob, these archives
only go back to 1870.
116
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,605
Where are the earliest issues
of the Bystander kept?
117
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:13,611
Couldn't say.
118
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,272
There is an old closet
in the break room.
119
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:16,645
But it's sealed off
120
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,218
by the fridge.
121
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:19,750
Too bad.
122
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:21,911
Looks like your story
ends there.
123
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:27,349
( Grunting )
124
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:40,999
(gasps)
125
00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:42,700
It wouldn't be work,
Bobby.
126
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,641
It would be
a "work party."
127
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,075
You and your friends
would be
128
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,270
scrubbing the Teakettle,
129
00:05:47,414 --> 00:05:48,904
but you'd also be listening
to the radio
130
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,676
and taking short breaks.
131
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,718
Let me tell you
what I like
132
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,049
and don't like
about that idea.
133
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:57,283
( Phone ringing )
134
00:05:57,390 --> 00:05:58,789
Hill residence.
135
00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:00,689
Meet me at the Bystander.
Now!
136
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,394
What's going on, Peggy?
137
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,363
Did someone put a possum
in your desk again?
138
00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,935
Hank, dignitaries
and Notre Dame athletes
139
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,470
never came to Arlen
to see the Teakettle.
140
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:12,834
Well, of course
they did.
141
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:13,997
You showed me
the pictures!
142
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,303
That was a convenient
cover story.
143
00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:19,435
The real attraction
was something far different.
144
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:22,516
Hank, before Arlen was
Harlen, it was called...
145
00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:23,741
"Harlottown?"
146
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,045
What does that mean?
147
00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:26,880
Harlot town.
Town of harlots.
148
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,354
Call girls, molls, pink
pants-- prostitutes.
149
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,389
Our beloved Arlen
began life
150
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,754
as the most notorious
brothel in Texas.
151
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:34,918
What?
152
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,427
"Harlottown"
became "Harlen"
153
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,691
because people were in
such a rush to get here,
154
00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:40,766
they didn't have time
to say "Harlottown."
155
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,961
But the Texas Rangers...
156
00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:44,659
They were johns, Hank.
157
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,768
I know this is hard.
158
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:50,534
Maybe this Katzenjammer Kids
comic will give you a chuckle.
159
00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,216
I can't believe they're...
160
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:02,152
How could they even find
11 women who would do that?
161
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:04,587
My research shows
that Arlen started off
162
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:06,783
as a watering hole
on the Chisholm Trail.
163
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,725
Some enterprising women
invested in a tentand a cot
164
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:11,422
and Harlottown was born.
165
00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:12,963
Great reporting, Peggy.
166
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,591
Let's get all your
notes in one place
167
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:16,202
and I'll fire up the grill.
168
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,364
Hank, you are not burning
my story on the patio.
169
00:07:19,472 --> 00:07:22,407
I am a journalist,
and I will not kill a story
170
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,238
because it's unpleasant.
171
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:27,575
Sooner or later, the sun is
gonna crash into the Earth.
172
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:31,345
And if I survive it will be
my duty to report it.
173
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,351
You can't tell the town
it was conceived in sin.
174
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:35,955
I have to.
175
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,250
Now if you will excuse me,
I am on deadline.
176
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:42,785
"Even with a thousand head
of cattle to keep them company,
177
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,125
cowboys would
get lonely..."
178
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:51,567
"During the 19th century,
the Teakettle was so popular
179
00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:54,868
"that when a gentleman went
to sample a harlot's wares,
180
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:58,034
it was said that he had
gone 'teakettling."
181
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,772
( laughter)
182
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,507
BILL:
If I'd been around back then,
183
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:05,311
maybe I would have rescued
one of those teakettling ladies,
184
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,147
and she would have been grateful
185
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,585
and lived on a farm with me
for a few years
186
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,192
till she ran away
with a traveling preacher.
187
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,554
( Sighs)
188
00:08:13,693 --> 00:08:15,991
Dad, the City Manager
is on the phone.
189
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:19,895
He wants you and Mom
in his office ASAP.
190
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,264
( Groans )
191
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:23,961
HANK:
I want to apologize
192
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,038
for my wife--
she made a mistake.
193
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,867
How about she publishes
a retraction,
194
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,669
does a couple of jury duties
195
00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:31,243
and we forget
this ever happened?
196
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,675
There was no mistake.
197
00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,302
I don't care
if you throw me in jail,
198
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,472
I am not revealing
my sources.
199
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:39,609
Aren't your sources
just old newspaper clippings?
200
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,486
I will neither confirm
nor deny.
201
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,680
No, you don't understand,
I loved your article.
202
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:46,088
It got me thinking,
203
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,717
we should clean up
the Teakettle,
204
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,194
share our town's colorful
history with the world.
205
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,491
What?
206
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,293
Maybe I'm missing
something here,
207
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,562
but if we tell people we were
founded by prostitutes,
208
00:08:55,668 --> 00:08:56,999
they'll know.
209
00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:58,867
That was over
a hundred years ago.
210
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,769
When people look back on--
211
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:02,807
Wait, I have an equation
to explain this.
212
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,707
Scandal plus time
213
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,712
equals tourist dollars.
214
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,475
Look at Salem, Massachusetts.
215
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:13,052
Almost everyone thinks
burning witches is bad now,
216
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,247
but Salem is using
their unique past
217
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,550
to bring in tourist dollars.
218
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:17,952
I've been there, Hank.
219
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,458
They have a sewer system
par excellence.
220
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,187
Plus it's educational.
221
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,228
Hank, if we do not learn
from the past
222
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,162
what's the point
of even having one?
223
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:27,856
That's going in
the brochure.
224
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:31,065
Hank, it is really no big deal.
225
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:34,037
I mean, you never objected
to Miss Kitty on Gun smoke.
226
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,505
What about her?
227
00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:37,770
Come on, they had
all those rooms upstairs,
228
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,642
she didn't charge
enough for drinks.
229
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,442
( Sighing ):
Not Miss Kitty...
230
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,486
Dad, what did
the men do all day
231
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,248
when the women were
out prostituting?
232
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:50,652
Aah!
233
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,191
Did your mother
write another article?
234
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,692
No, it's my history homework.
235
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,888
Hank Hilll Kahn Jr.
just ask me
236
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:58,760
how much hugs cost
in 1870.
237
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,991
This your wife
Peggy Hill's fault.
238
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,568
The kind of thing
we should cover up,
239
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:04,034
not teach our kids.
240
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:06,002
You don't have to tell me.
241
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,232
Peggy.
242
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,863
She's not home, Dad.
243
00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:11,102
She's at some committee
meeting for the Teakettle.
244
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,372
Oh, God, now's there's
a committee?
245
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,744
That's the last step
before a task force.
246
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:17,144
I got to get down there.
247
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:18,876
I go with you.
248
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:21,782
We really tear into Peggy Hill
and those other pervs.
249
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,087
RAGTIME SINGER:
I'm going to Harlottown
250
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:27,455
Where the gals treat a gent
with two dimes like a king
251
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,324
Yes, Harlottown
252
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,091
Where you only have to ask
to get most everything.
253
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,929
This is fantastic.
254
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:36,399
Look at all these treasures.
255
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,868
Oh, it would be a crime
256
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:39,597
if we didn't put them
on display somewhere.
257
00:10:39,706 --> 00:10:43,301
Are you talking the main glass
case at the central library?
258
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,411
Bigger.
I'm talking about a museum.
259
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:48,379
Our very own
historical museum.
260
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,041
The Arlen Heritage Museum.
261
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,518
What could be more
educational than that?
262
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,644
Yeah. Museum
sounds classy.
263
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,587
You haven't voted
yet, have you?
264
00:10:57,724 --> 00:10:59,283
Because we vote "nay."
265
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:00,553
Careful, Hank.
266
00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:01,956
That is an important artifact
267
00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:03,722
for the Arlen Heritage Museum.
268
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:08,791
"Shave: 25 cents,
deluxe shave: four dollars"?!
269
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,197
Oh, God.
270
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,566
What you people doing?
271
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,264
I didn't move out of
cesspool of Anaheim
272
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:14,771
to let you wreck
this little town.
273
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,876
Kahn, you surprise me.
274
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,411
I thought you were
the more sophisticated type.
275
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,604
Huh? Uh, oh...
276
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,875
Oh, Ted, I not
see you there.
277
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:24,711
...uh...
278
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,013
Oh, this the kind of stuff
you talking about for museum.
279
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,918
Oh... very progressive.
280
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:30,590
I'm in.
281
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,958
Instead of teaching
this stuff to our kids
282
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:36,994
and building a museum
of shame,
283
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,325
why don't we celebrate
284
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,195
the things our town
is proud of--
285
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,027
The Arlen Soldier
and Sailor's Home,
286
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,637
the petrified wood collection...
287
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,068
That will all
be there, too, Hank,
288
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,573
but the founding mothers
are the money.
289
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,005
Mm-hmm.
290
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,171
Okay, then,
291
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,974
it seems like
just about everybody
292
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,640
wants to move forward on this.
293
00:11:56,749 --> 00:11:59,411
The question is, "What's the
best way to tell the world
294
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,317
about Arlen's rebirth?"
295
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,754
Idea: What if we renamed
the upcoming Arlen Days Festival
296
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,359
"Harlottown Days?"
297
00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:08,187
I would be willing
to dress up like a sheriff.
298
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:09,328
I'll be your deputy.
299
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:12,694
( Chattering )
300
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:18,564
Sign a petition and get
a free gift: a clean town.
301
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,605
You know what I like
about you, Hank?
302
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:23,199
You don't care how
unpopular your ideas are.
303
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:24,708
Unpopular, huh?
304
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:27,370
Well, Mr. Coyle here
happens to agree with me
305
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,073
that we don't need this museum.
306
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,152
Oh. I thought this petition
was in favor of the museum.
307
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,844
I can't wait
for Harlottown Days.
308
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:45,522
( Country music plays)
309
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,247
Save Arlen's virtue!
310
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,215
Hey, Sheriff Ted,
311
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:10,322
maybe we should arrest Hank
for disorderly fuddy-duddiness.
312
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:14,693
PEGGY:
Hey, Hank, look.
313
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,394
I'm proposing
314
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,998
this is what all
the tour guides will wear.
315
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,123
GILBERT:
Is everyone having fun?
316
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,033
Harlottown Days has been
a smashing success.
317
00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:25,934
Everything is on track
to make Arlen
318
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,565
not just a tourist stop,
but a destination.
319
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,074
( Applause )
320
00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:32,303
That means lower taxes,
new street signs,
321
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,436
fire trucks and police cars.
322
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,879
And it's all going to begin
right here in the center of town
323
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,348
where we're going to convert
the musty old
324
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,849
Soldier and Sailor's Home
325
00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:43,889
into the new Arlen Museum
of Prostitution!
326
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,516
"Why don't you come up
and see us sometime?"
327
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:49,024
Arlen Museum of...
Well, I don't...
328
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,489
An erotic bakery?
329
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:53,190
A gentlemen's reading Room?
330
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,527
Where's the crafts wing?
331
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,829
Where's the empowerment
exhibit?
332
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:57,060
And now
333
00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:58,967
the big news:
334
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,769
Apparently the "secret" of our
little town has gotten out,
335
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:07,278
and Arlen is the new home
of the Texas Adult Video Awards.
336
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:08,744
Adult video?
337
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,440
Oh, God.
338
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,882
As we speak, they are rolling
out the red carpet
339
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:14,919
at the Arlen Junior College
Auditorium
340
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:17,523
for the Adult World's
shiniest stars.
341
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:19,523
( Cheering, applause )
342
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:23,357
( Marching band plays
�I'm Going to Harlottown")
343
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:34,997
( Jaunty rendition of "I'm Going
to Harlottown" continuing )
344
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:44,010
I should have just
let history stay buried.
345
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,949
I should have stuck
to my old beat
346
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:47,678
of reviewing pancake houses.
347
00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:49,346
Yeah, well, you
were good at that.
348
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:51,755
( Sighs)
349
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:52,653
Let's get going.
350
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:53,851
The porn people
351
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,691
will be hitting
town any moment.
352
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,529
Why are we going
to Durndle?
353
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,727
No offense, Dad,
but you're not
354
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,532
a let's-just-go-to-Durndle
kind of guy.
355
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:08,608
Uh, I just thought it'd be
nice to get out of town.
356
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,198
Looks like a breakdown...
357
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,038
It's some of...
358
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,635
them.
359
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,544
Now, we shouldn't jump to...
360
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:17,012
Oh, God,
361
00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:19,141
a sport jacket with no shirt.
362
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:21,946
Well, maybe they
are... that way,
363
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,921
but they're also
disabled motorists.
364
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,321
We have a duty.
365
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,155
Peggy, watch the boy.
366
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:31,191
What's the problem, Randy?
367
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,765
We did a whole movie
about a flat tire!
368
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:34,992
I'm trying, okay?
369
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:36,932
Uh, you folks need a hand?
370
00:15:37,036 --> 00:15:39,869
Hey, this part happened
in the movie, too.
371
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:40,996
Thank you.
372
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,404
I cannot be late tonight.
373
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,998
I'm getting a lifetime
achievement award.
374
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:47,512
Well, congratulations,
I suppose.
375
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,513
( loud metallic churning)
376
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,676
You do know your transmission
is shot, right?
377
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,652
Uh, can we borrow
your transmission?
378
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,086
I mean, just for tonight?
379
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,316
( Sighs)
380
00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,892
Just get in the truck.
381
00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:02,962
I guess we can drop you off
at your awards show.
382
00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:04,791
Hank, what are
you doing?
383
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,366
Peggy, they tried to fix their
engine by changing the tire.
384
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:08,593
They'll die out here.
385
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,362
Wow! Areal limo.
386
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,668
I wish I could have
ridden in that.
387
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,468
You ever been
in one, Mom?
388
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:19,408
Have I! If I had attended
my prom, certainly.
389
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,409
So how did you folks
get into the movies?
390
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,187
Hank? Bobby?
391
00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:31,346
Hi, John Redcorn.
392
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,981
Were you heading
someplace?
393
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:35,389
I have a gala.
394
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,623
Well, I was hoping you could
look after Bobby for a bit.
395
00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:39,993
It's kind of important.
396
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,031
( Sighs)
397
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,002
Would you like
an organic Pop-tart?
398
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,910
You've sure got a lot less
pawn shops
399
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:52,636
than where we usually have
these things.
400
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,179
What's that?
401
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,213
HANK: That's the
old Arlen water tower.
402
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,874
CANDEE:
It sure is beautiful.
403
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,043
Beautiful and it has more rivets
404
00:17:00,152 --> 00:17:02,450
than any structure
in Central Texas.
405
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:05,855
You know, I grew up
in a small town just like Arlen.
406
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,892
Of course, I can
never go back.
407
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,019
Well, you still have your...
career?
408
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:11,323
Hobby?
409
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,761
Career?
410
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,799
Actually the lifetime
achievement award
411
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,129
is more of a kiss-off.
412
00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:17,828
It's like
the industry's saying,
413
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,438
"Thanks for the 400 movies,
414
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,472
we're real tired
of seeing you do it."
415
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:22,836
Uh... right.
416
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,603
So, you're out
of the business.
417
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,200
What's next for Candee?
418
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:28,871
Well, I used to dream of
having my own little shop
419
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,541
selling baby jewelry
or sparkly tennis shoes.
420
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:33,516
But who would want
to buy that stuff
421
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:34,916
from someone with my past?
422
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:40,857
You know, Candee,
the women who started this town
423
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,758
were of, uh, similar repute.
424
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,331
But the moment they had
a chance to quit, they did.
425
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:46,796
Look, that granary was built
426
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,027
by our founding mothers.
427
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,999
And that pork
processing plant.
428
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:55,772
I thought places like this
only existed in the movies.
429
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,206
Not my movies.
430
00:17:57,343 --> 00:17:59,778
Yeah, well, thanks
to our new city manager,
431
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:02,712
and your awards show,
and the Museum of Prostitution,
432
00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:05,112
it's pretty much never
going to be the same.
433
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,083
This is wrong, Hank.
434
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:09,746
And believe me,
I know wrong.
435
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,947
There has to be
something we can do.
436
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,791
( Chattering )
437
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:28,938
Candee, where were you?
438
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,566
We almost gave the lifetime
achievement award
439
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:31,666
to someone else.
440
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,404
Do you know
your lines, Hank?
441
00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:34,911
Yep.
442
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,845
These decorations look
tacky and inappropriate.
443
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,613
Yeah, when I played
this out in my head,
444
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,653
things looked a lot better.
445
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:47,283
Especially the people.
446
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,883
VANCE:
Good evening, everyone.
447
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:51,692
Today marks the beginning
of a special relationship
448
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,959
between Arlen and the
adult film industry.
449
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,592
So, welcome,
Texas Adult Video Awards,
450
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:57,726
to Arlen.
451
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,327
"Come up and see us sometime!"
452
00:18:59,438 --> 00:19:00,462
And now,
453
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:02,040
the stars come out.
454
00:19:02,174 --> 00:19:05,769
The recipient of the
Lifetime Achievement Award,
455
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,368
Candee Lace.
456
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,313
( Cheering and applause )
457
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,281
Thank you, everyone.
458
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:15,218
I want you all to meet the man
who made it possible
459
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:18,688
for me to be here tonight,
Hank Hill.
460
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:19,724
Hank?
461
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:20,792
Who's he?
462
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:22,087
Is that her first director?
463
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,787
No, that would be
Nicholas Ruggles.
464
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:25,522
You all know I've played
a lot of love scenes
465
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:26,996
in the movies,
466
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:30,467
but today I fell
head over heels for real.
467
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,436
I'm announcing my retirement
from the adult film business
468
00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:34,596
so I can be
469
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,176
with my true love-- Arlen.
470
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:39,678
No offense, guys,
471
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,711
but I don't want this kind
of smut in my town.
472
00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:46,011
We have a choice to make.
473
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:48,416
Which version
of Arlen do we want?
474
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,650
The uncut, X-rated one
with shocking footage,
475
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:55,523
or the PG one that's grown-up
but still appropriate for kids?
476
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,496
Now, who here wants
to sign my petition
477
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:01,760
to turn Harlottown
478
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:02,925
back to Arlen?
479
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,662
I do, Hank!
480
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:07,664
Now, who else?
481
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,673
Petitions, I've got petitions!
482
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,675
Share the pens, people.
483
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,905
Let's take
a deep breath, everyone.
484
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,105
In my Arlen, there won't
be any parking meters.
485
00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:17,477
Property taxes slashed!
486
00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:18,914
Free garbage pickup!
487
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,280
I'm the Candyman.
488
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,855
"Arlen, come up
and see us sometime."
489
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:25,390
"Arlen, come up and
see us sometime!"
490
00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:27,492
Huh, kind of puts a new
complexion on things
491
00:20:27,593 --> 00:20:29,186
when sleazy people think
we're too sleazy.
492
00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:30,920
You know, I was
493
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,590
the first person to come
to Hank Hill's side on this.
494
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,292
( Clears throat )
495
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,165
Thank you, Mayor.
496
00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:41,035
Looks like decency isn't so
unpopular after all, eh, Vance?
497
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:52,477
Wow.
She really cleaned up nice.
498
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:56,886
"In 1902 Mark Twain stood
on this very spot
499
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,390
and remarked on Arlen's
natural beauty."
500
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,584
Dad, this was
almost worth the hike.
501
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:04,627
I don't want to take
my eyes off of it.
502
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:07,026
I don't know how to thank
you for everything, Hank.
503
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:09,091
Can I get you another
pair of shoes?
504
00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:12,436
No, no. These are fine.
505
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:15,239
Fine? They're great!
506
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,449
JOHN REDCORN:
I have a gala.
507
00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:06,122
I
I
508
00:22:06,172 --> 00:22:10,722
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