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1
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:45,279
HANK:
Okay, settle down, boosters.
2
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:47,681
Boys, we could go all
the way this year.
3
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,483
Texas High School Coaches Poll
4
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,685
has voted us
preseason number one.
5
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,454
[CHEERING]
6
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,023
Yep, this is the year,
I'll tell you what,
7
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,192
but as boosters, we've
got to do our part.
8
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,828
I've got it!
A pancake sale,
9
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:04,364
where we get our wives
to serve pancakes topless.
10
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,999
Not yours, Hank.
11
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,868
Well, here's something
that'll help.
12
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,636
Finish what
you're chewing, boys.
13
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,271
I got big news.
14
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:13,307
Jimmy Willis is available.
15
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,275
The groundskeeper at SMU?
16
00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:19,012
A skilled groundskeeper can
give us a home field advantage.
17
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,314
We're going to state!
18
00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:22,282
- [CHEERING]
- Yeah, we're going to state!
19
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,750
State! State! State!
20
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,119
Wait just a second.
What about Smitty?
21
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:29,156
He's been our groundskeeper
as long as I can remember.
22
00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:31,525
Oh, Hank, Smitty's getting
up there in years.
23
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,428
Heck, a lot of folks think he's just
coasting till he gets his pension.
24
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,097
Yeah. You seen the horns
on the end zone Longhorn lately?
25
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,699
They ain't as pointy
as they used to be.
26
00:01:38,791 --> 00:01:40,659
Thing looks like
a got-danged cow!
27
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,470
- [MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]
- It does have a cow-like quality.
28
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,907
A thought: just supposing
we fire this Smitty.
29
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,775
What would happen
to his pension money?
30
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,979
Could it be diverted into,
say, a new Nautilus machine?
31
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,814
And if not, why not?
32
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,883
Now hold on.
33
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,218
You can't cheat Smitty
out of his pension.
34
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,487
It's not right --
he's been taking good care
35
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,689
of that field for 28 years.
36
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,625
He lost two wives to that grass,
37
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,627
and now you want
to take it away from him?
38
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,228
Smitty can do the job.
39
00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:09,663
I guarantee it.
40
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,867
Hank says championship's a lock!
41
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,636
[CHEERING]
42
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,171
State! State!
State! State!
43
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,743
Looking for someone, bud?
44
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,344
Well, I was looking for you,
Smitty.
45
00:02:24,511 --> 00:02:26,313
I'm Hank Hill.
I used to play here.
46
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,882
Oh, sure, Hank Hill.
47
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:32,920
You hold Arlen High's single-season
rushing record, don't ya?
48
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,623
Yep. I ran nearly every foot
of it on your turf.
49
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,458
[CHUCKLES]
Sure. Sure.
50
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:40,561
You can't run on dirt, you know?
51
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:41,728
True enough.
52
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:44,698
But you can sleep on it.
53
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:49,903
Huh. Uh...
54
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:52,239
you do know what
you're doing, Smitty, right?
55
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:53,574
You bet.
56
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,343
That's exactly what
I was hoping to hear, sir.
57
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,013
It's gonna be
a heck of a season.
58
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,082
TV ANNOUNCER:
Up next:
59
00:03:02,249 --> 00:03:04,885
History's Mysteries
with "Nazi Hidden Gold,"
60
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,487
followed by
"Building the Nazi War Machine"
61
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:10,390
and "Nazis of the Desert,
Nazis of the Sea."
62
00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:13,327
Wow, the Nazis did a lot.
63
00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:15,996
[MEN WHOOPING OUTSIDE]
64
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:18,465
Come on, Kahn.
Ain't we still your boys?
65
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,300
Get on out here
and rally with us.
66
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:21,868
[SCOFFS]
I thought Kahn
67
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,437
got rid of those damn rednecks.
68
00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:25,505
Show him your high beams, Lucky.
69
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,574
[WHOOPING, LAUGHING]
70
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,676
Those rednecks!
71
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:30,978
KAHN [SHOUTING]:
Yeah!
72
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:33,714
That redneck thing
was really more of a phase!
73
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,382
Please go away now!
74
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:37,784
You had to send him
a Christmas card.
75
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,219
Thanks for leaving!
76
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,754
We ain't going nowhere
77
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:42,990
till you check out
Lucky's new truck.
78
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:45,192
Yeah, Kahn.
Got me new rims and everything
79
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:46,627
out of my settlement money.
80
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,795
We gon' go muddin',
then skiddin'.
81
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,230
Stupid rednecks!
82
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:54,167
We can't hear ourselves
watch TV.
83
00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:01,742
Aw, look at you, baby girl.
You like my rims.
84
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,644
They're very nice rims. I...
85
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,578
Yes.
86
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,780
You think they look good
standing still,
87
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,081
wait till you see 'em doing 90.
88
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:10,651
There are some boys race trucks
up at the Devil's Bowl,
89
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,152
and I'm gonna take it to 'em.
90
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:13,954
You race trucks?
91
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,522
Isn't that dangerous?
92
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,758
Can be,
but being a self-made man,
93
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,426
I don't need to work no more.
94
00:04:19,559 --> 00:04:21,128
I got to do something
with my time.
95
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,130
You're a self-made man?
96
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:25,632
Yep. Slipped on pee-pee
at the Costco.
97
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,035
Got me a $53,000 settlement.
98
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:31,171
I like the way your Skoal
can fits in your pocket.
99
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:33,774
And your teeth look
like fresh corn.
100
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:37,411
Damn. That Lucky
is chick stink bait.
101
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,479
[QUIETLY]
Walk away from the redneck.
102
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:41,548
Walk away from the redneck.
103
00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:43,316
[LUANNE LAUGHING]
104
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,518
Oh, no.
105
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,287
HANK:
Friday night, the big test.
106
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:49,589
Season opener against Rushford.
107
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,191
Crush Rushford!
108
00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:52,626
That's the spirit, Bobby.
109
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,561
I can't take sole credit.
110
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:56,663
They taught it to us
all week at school.
111
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,031
[ENGINE REVVING]
112
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,566
LUCKY [OVER LOUDSPEAKERS]:
Attention:
113
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,368
Will the pretty lady
in the house
114
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:04,237
please come outside
and make my day?
115
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,674
That's Lucky! He's taking me
to watch him race his truck!
116
00:05:07,774 --> 00:05:10,510
I get to wave a flag
and wear tiny pants!
117
00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:12,145
Uh-uh. I'm sorry, Luanne,
118
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,747
but I cannot allow you
to go out there.
119
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,882
Why not?
Is my makeup smeary?
120
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,118
No. Luanne,
you have a weakness
121
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,153
for a certain type of man.
122
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:23,123
You are drawn magnetically
back to the trailer,
123
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,625
back to the sticky ooze
you escaped from.
124
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,794
You have come too far
to give in now.
125
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,529
You cannot date this man!
126
00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:33,100
[DOORBELL RINGING REPEATEDLY]
127
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:34,768
[SIGHS]
I'll get it.
128
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:37,938
Name's Lucky.
129
00:05:38,036 --> 00:05:39,505
Looking for Luanne.
130
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,841
Hey, beautiful.
131
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,043
Hi.
132
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:46,346
Want to know why
they call me Lucky?
133
00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:47,347
No.
134
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,249
We'll see you later.
135
00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:50,951
Don't wait up.
136
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,153
Oh, God.
137
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,789
Crush Rushford.
138
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,625
Thank you, Bobby.
You're a good son.
139
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,162
["STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
CONCLUDES]
140
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:05,165
Let the championship season
begin!
141
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,533
[AIR HORN BLARES]
142
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:07,801
Here we go.
143
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,147
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
144
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,481
What the...?
145
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:24,151
Good Lord, what the heck
happened to the field?
146
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:27,154
Hank, what did your boy Smitty
do to the field?
147
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:29,089
Oh, no.
Smitty.
148
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:32,192
[SNORING]
149
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:40,066
On inspection,
this field is unfit for play.
150
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,902
According
to the athletic charter,
151
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,837
the home team is responsible
152
00:06:43,943 --> 00:06:45,539
for the maintenance
of the field,
153
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,508
therefore Arlen forfeits
the game.
154
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,845
[CROWD BOOING]
155
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,247
Peggy, get the boy and
let's head for the truck
156
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,449
before everyone sees us.
157
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,252
There he is!
158
00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:02,055
[BOOING CONTINUES]
159
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:07,794
[HANK GROANS]
160
00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:10,197
No root system at all.
161
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,099
[YAWNING]
162
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,068
Oh, hi, Hank.
163
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,804
Sir, with all due respect,
164
00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:19,039
what happened?
165
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,740
Yeah, I know.
166
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,742
It's a lot to do.
167
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,678
You got the hash marks
168
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,746
and the center field marks --
169
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:31,084
what is it,
the thing with the tube?
170
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,119
My kid's in rehab again.
171
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:35,121
Tommy -- you met him.
172
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:39,226
Yeah. Uh, look, Smitty,
this is the kind of thing
173
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,494
that could cost us
our whole season.
174
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:44,164
Not to mention
costing a guy his job,
175
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,298
his pension...
176
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:46,700
You bet.
177
00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:49,269
Hey, Hank, that reminds me
178
00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:52,606
of a thing from a long time ago.
179
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,441
I forget.
180
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,710
[CHUCKLES].
You'll get a kick...
181
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,678
[STARTS SNORING]
182
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,653
So, he likes to sleep, does he?
183
00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:09,656
I can give him sleep
in so many ways.
184
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:11,825
Look, Smitty
may have screwed up,
185
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:14,060
but he's a good man,
and he's done a good job
186
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:17,330
for 28 of the last 29 years.
187
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,165
We can't let him
lose his pension.
188
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,235
But we can't let him lose
any more games for us either.
189
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,304
Well, we've got an away game
coming up.
190
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:25,906
That gives us some time.
191
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,974
There's got to be some way
to save this field
192
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,743
and still save Smitty's job.
193
00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:32,512
Yeah, man, just dang
ol'... how, man?
194
00:08:32,712 --> 00:08:34,514
Well, we're all
pretty experienced
195
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,883
when it comes
to maintaining our own lawns.
196
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,153
We just need to treat this field
like it's a really big lawn.
197
00:08:40,271 --> 00:08:41,572
All right!
198
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,757
We'll need really big lawnmowers
199
00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:46,426
and really big beers.
200
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,333
Okay, two teams.
201
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:56,403
Lead man de-compacts the roots,
follow-man fertigates.
202
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:57,704
Now, let's roll out.
203
00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,072
[BILL GIGGLING]
204
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:01,474
I feel like I'm cheating
on my lawn.
205
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,752
[THUNDER CRASHING]
206
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:22,829
HANK:
It's been a hard week,
207
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:25,598
but the grass is healthy,
the horns are pointy.
208
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,067
Good work, gentlemen.
209
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,803
If this field could talk,
I bet it would say
210
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,738
"Thanks for watering me, Bill.
211
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:33,907
I was very thirsty.
212
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:37,310
So, handsome,
got any plans Friday night?"
213
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,016
Evenin', boys.
214
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,818
Anybody interested in a race?
215
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,419
[LAUGHING]
216
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,721
In what?
217
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:50,690
You hauling a real truck
behind that little candy truck?
218
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,559
What you sayin' about my truck?
219
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,260
Well, that shiny bumper
220
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,830
looks like it belongs
on Barbie's Dream Truck.
221
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,264
[LAUGHTER]
222
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,599
Y'all shut up!
223
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,468
This truck is beautiful.
224
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:04,270
I call it
Pretty-Pretty Truck-Truck!
225
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:06,606
[GUYS LAUGHING]
226
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,416
I can't race,
and I don't have to work.
227
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,351
What am I gonna do with myself?
228
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,787
We could go buy
some more chrome.
229
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:22,055
Thanks, baby.
230
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:25,258
But chrome is the reason
I'm sitting here and not racing.
231
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:29,396
Sometimes the world is cruel
to shiny things.
232
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,764
HEAD COACH:
What have we got here?
233
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,334
Hmm...
234
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:42,609
I was all set to hand you
your head today, Smitty,
235
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,811
but it looks like this turf
is back on track.
236
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:47,547
Yeah? Track?
237
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,015
Oh, sure, sure.
238
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:50,717
Yeah, great job, Smitty.
239
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,218
Who the heck but you
240
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,220
would have thought
of tweaking the pH balance
241
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,989
to give it a healthy shine?
242
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:57,724
Hooray for Smitty.
243
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:01,161
Or should I say
"The Wizard of Sod"?
244
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,630
Way to go! Dang ol' wiz, man!
245
00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,365
Yeah, nice work, Smitty.
246
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,333
But we've got a big game
against Killeen,
247
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,169
so you better keep it up.
248
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:12,038
Well, coach, we'll let
you get down to business.
249
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,239
"Kill Killeen."
250
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:14,541
- Kill Killeen!
- Kill Killeen!
251
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,076
DALE:
Kill Killeen!
252
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,178
Yep.
253
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,479
Yup.
254
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:20,914
Yup.
255
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,482
Mm-hmm.
256
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,218
Who's gonna dare me
to kill that bird?
257
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:29,022
Yeah. Well, it's gonna be
a long season,
258
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,124
and Smitty still needs our help.
259
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,526
Yeah, plus Killeen's
got that running back
260
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,795
who's pretty much unstoppable.
261
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,331
Unless...
262
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,633
Wait, can you give
someone polio?
263
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,502
No, but what we could do
264
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:45,338
is fine-tune the field
a little bit to our advantage.
265
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:46,973
Within regulation.
266
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,875
You mean to slow him down a bit.
267
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:50,310
Yes, exactly.
268
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,185
Guess it's just you and me, bird.
269
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,457
ANNOUNCER:
That's the ball game, folks.
270
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:08,495
Final score, Arlen, 27,
Killeen, 10.
271
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,198
Great game, coach.
272
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:14,167
Sure looked like
Killeen's running back
273
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,603
had trouble getting
around the end, eh, Smitty?
274
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,305
Eh? Ah, you bet.
275
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,841
Kind of looked to me like
the grass was a little thicker
276
00:12:21,921 --> 00:12:23,409
near the sidelines.
277
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,412
Well, god dang it,
Smitty, that was brilliant.
278
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,047
Yeah?
279
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:29,983
The Wizard of Sod!
280
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,619
Well, Wizard, I hope you got
a trick up your sleeve
281
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,555
to stop Duncanville's
hotshot kicker next week.
282
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,925
See you tonight, guys.
283
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:40,793
We got a kicker to stop.
284
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:44,731
- [BLOWING WHISTLE]
- Arlen wins.
285
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,966
Next up, division playoffs.
286
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,404
MAN: Smitty, I've
never seen a kicker
287
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,906
shank so many field goals.
288
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,107
How do you do it?
289
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:58,244
So, I think to myself,
"Grass'll do the trick."
290
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,547
So, that's what I did.
291
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,284
Wizard, words don't describe.
292
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,786
Smitty, you
and your enchanted lawnmower
293
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,355
must help us in our critical
game against Denton.
294
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,456
Your thoughts?
295
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:11,991
I don't think the Wizard's
296
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:14,093
gonna want to give up
his secrets that easy.
297
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,195
Butt out, blockhead.
298
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,363
The Wizard's talking here.
299
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:21,034
People think dandelions
are pretty.
300
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,303
But they're a weed, you know.
301
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:24,737
[CHUCKLING]
302
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:26,739
[CLICKING TONGUE]
303
00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,816
Ma'am. Luanne home?
304
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:41,287
Luanne works, Lucky,
as do I on many days.
305
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:44,190
Now, I am warning you,
you stay away from Luanne.
306
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:45,225
[LUANNE SQUEALING]
307
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,093
Lucky!
308
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,262
I took off work early today!
309
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,130
Aren't you gonna honk me a kiss?
310
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,365
[HORN BLAST]
311
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:53,499
[HONKS HORN]
312
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,835
[HONKING BACK
AND FORTH CONTINUES]
313
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,073
Let me out.
314
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,242
No. Not until you listen
to some sense.
315
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,177
Lucky is not the kind of man...
316
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:06,846
Aunt Peggy, Lucky says
if we were both in lockup,
317
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,948
I could probably take you.
318
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:13,052
But I don't want to do that,
because we're family.
319
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:14,587
[HONKING RESUMES]
320
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,322
[GROANING]
321
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,194
CHAD [ON RADIO]: So, Sports Jock,
we've got a very special guest today:
322
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,596
Arlen High's secret ticket
to State,
323
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,765
the Wizard of Sod, Smitty.
324
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:28,468
SPORTS JOCK:
State is in sight, but, Wizard,
325
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:31,170
Denton leads the division
in rushing and sacks.
326
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:34,807
You see any way to, uh, "even
the playing field," so to speak?
327
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,776
SMITTY:
Don't ask stupid questions.
328
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,911
Look who you're talking to here.
329
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:41,214
For Denton, I'm thinking water.
330
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:42,882
And sticky paint.
331
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,817
They ain't gonna see
that comin'.
332
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,220
The Wizard has spoken.
333
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,622
Is it just because
I've been up all night
334
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,392
doing Smitty's job that
I'm starting to dislike him?
335
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:56,362
Smitty's one interview away
from a pencil to the ear drum.
336
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:59,265
Hank, can we tell
everybody we did it?
337
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,302
No. Look, Smitty's ego
may be getting a little too big,
338
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,971
but he still deserves
to retire with dignity.
339
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:08,875
Now we need to knuckle down
and find a way to stop Denton.
340
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,578
[PANTING]
341
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,347
Hank, this is hard!
342
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:17,317
And Bill's not carrying
my share of the load!
343
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:20,753
Hang in there, guys, and we'll
have championship seat cushions
344
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,089
to cherish for the rest
of our lives.
345
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:25,191
Thanks for the lift, fellas.
346
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,759
It was on our way, Wizard.
347
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,795
Anything to help you
take us to State.
348
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,967
Hey, they're on my field!
349
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:38,104
Hank Hill -- why you wrecking
my field, boy?
350
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,906
Sir, with all due respect,
351
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:42,141
we've only been helping out
with some basic
352
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:43,242
"Basic"?
353
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,078
I've done this
for 30 years, son!
354
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,246
I'm the Wizard,
the ticket to State!
355
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,315
You don't tell me, I tell you!
356
00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:51,250
Now get off my got-dang grass!
357
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:53,453
Yeah,
358
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:55,288
I see it now.
359
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,257
What we need this week
is longer grass.
360
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,692
And I'm gonna
361
00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:02,428
triple-pump her
with ammonium nitrate,
362
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,130
make it grow fast.
363
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,165
Show you boys how it's done.
364
00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:09,135
No! Too much nitrate'll fry
the root system.
365
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:10,636
The whole field'll die.
366
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,638
And with it the championship!
367
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,341
My self-esteem is tied
to this season!
368
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,143
You must be stopped!
369
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:23,116
Sam, get these crooks off
of my grass.
370
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,550
You can't do this!
371
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,152
Let's not have this escalate.
372
00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:27,253
Move along, sir.
373
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:32,759
Now, what else does the Wizard
have up his sleeve?
374
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,294
I've got it -- rock salt!
375
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,629
Rock salt?!
376
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:37,864
SMITTY:
And plenty of it!
377
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:39,065
Noooo!
378
00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:44,871
Looks like fine weather
Friday night
379
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:47,640
for Arlen's big victory,
and then it's off to State.
380
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:50,643
Here's hoping.
Death to Denton, sugs!
381
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:51,644
[PHONE RINGS]
382
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,679
Death to Denton.
I'll get her.
383
00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,849
My people do not wish
death to the people of Denton,
384
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:59,819
but a crushing defeat
would be just swell.
385
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,754
Oh, God, I can just imagine
386
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,390
what Smitty is doing
to that field right now.
387
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:06,526
It's not fair we're going
to have to forfeit.
388
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,895
How come McMaynerbury
didn't have to forfeit last year
389
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,396
when their field was flooded?
390
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:12,165
That was because of rain.
391
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:15,468
Article 14 says acts of God
and vandalism are deemed
392
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,237
to be outside the control
of the home team.
393
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,440
No.
394
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:21,941
We can't let this happen.
395
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:23,376
The team's come this far,
396
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,378
and we're not going
to let 'em down.
397
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:40,993
[SIGHS]
We're too late.
398
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,629
This is even worse
than the first game.
399
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,331
There goes our season.
400
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:46,566
Look at this.
401
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,502
I think he actually
nailed the sod down.
402
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,604
[DEFEATED SIGHS]
403
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:57,310
Uh, Bobby, looks like
I'm free this Friday
404
00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:58,744
if you want to see
405
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,213
that Hilary Duff movie.
406
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:03,216
The Princess and the Poor Girl?
All right!
407
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,451
Hank, I can't stand it
any longer.
408
00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:08,254
We have to do something
about Lucky and Luanne.
409
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,324
Tonight, they are out
on a date... in our driveway.
410
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,826
He's been in twice already
to use our bathroom,
411
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,163
and both times, he challenged me
to race his truck.
412
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,298
Peggy, there's
nothing I can do...
413
00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:20,900
This is your problem too, Hank.
414
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,238
On my way in, I saw a very large
truck tire mark on your lawn.
415
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,305
What?!
416
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,244
Got-dang it, Lucky!
417
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:32,912
Yeah, tell me 'bout it.
418
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:34,780
These treads are hell on grass.
419
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,853
[LAUGHS]
So, Lucky,
420
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:43,556
looks like you've got
a pretty fast truck there.
421
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,025
It is fast,
not that anyone would know it.
422
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:47,326
Well, I know it.
423
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,395
And what good does that do me?
424
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:51,230
The boys
down at the Devil's Bowl
425
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:54,100
won't let Lucky race
his shiny truck at their track.
426
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,434
No, sirree.
427
00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:57,904
Well, maybe you should race 'em
someplace else.
428
00:18:58,004 --> 00:18:59,238
I know a good place.
429
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,307
But how am I supposed
to get 'em to come?
430
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:03,676
They think I ain't got jack
under the hood.
431
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,846
And, uh, you're just going
to sit here and take that?
432
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,247
You ever think that maybe
433
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:11,183
they're the ones who ain't
got jack under the hood?
434
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,320
Whatd you say, boy?
435
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,823
I'm just sayin' none of y'all
got jack under the hood.
436
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,427
Well, y'all have
a pleasant evening.
437
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:25,698
I'll show him
who ain't got jack!
438
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,633
Get him!
Whoo-hoo!
439
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,704
[RUMBLING ROAR APPROACHING]
440
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:35,007
Hmm. You hear
something, Phil?
441
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,312
[SCREAMING]
442
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:48,754
[SIRENS BLARING]
443
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:52,358
LUANNE: Go, Lucky!
Go! Go! Go, Lucky!
444
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,160
Whoo!
445
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:57,196
Lucky's just earned himself
a booster jacket,
446
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:59,832
even if he does cut
the sleeves off.
447
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:03,002
Oh, great.
Now he's a freaking hero.
448
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:05,805
I mean, I-I just
couldn't believe it.
449
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,573
The whole thing was so crazy.
450
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:10,643
All these rednecks just kept
chasing this one redneck around.
451
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,578
It was like something
out of a video game.
452
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:14,780
Well, it's vandalism, all right.
453
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,617
No question.
The home team is not liable.
454
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,018
The game can proceed,
455
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:21,387
but at a neutral site
to be determined.
456
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,889
[SIGHS OF RELIEF]
457
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,524
Boy, I just think it's a shame
458
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,693
someone would do this
to Smitty's masterwork
459
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,562
after all he's given this town.
460
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:30,529
Huh?
461
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,431
Yeah, well, there's going
to be a big bonus
462
00:20:32,531 --> 00:20:33,833
to your pension, Smitty.
463
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:35,067
I'll see to it.
464
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:36,602
That's great.
465
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,905
Now I can finally go
to that place.
466
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,874
Wh-Wh-What's it called?
467
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,845
The flat one.
Oh, I can't wait.
468
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:49,815
There goes
the greatest groundskeeper
469
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,051
this team will ever see.
470
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:53,486
Yep.
471
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,754
Yep.
472
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,055
Mm-hmm.
473
00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:58,124
Oh, let's get him back.
474
00:20:58,224 --> 00:20:59,692
[GRUNTS]
475
00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:04,196
So, man, what'd you get?
476
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,832
I got me 400 hours
of damn community service
477
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,135
is what I got, and a fine.
478
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:12,471
But I still got me
a $18,000 settlement, by God.
479
00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:14,707
Won't have to work
another day in my life.
480
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:16,175
- Damn.
- [HORN HONKS]
481
00:21:16,342 --> 00:21:18,477
Lucky, Arlen beat Denton!
482
00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,212
We're going to State!
483
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,148
I love you!
484
00:21:22,381 --> 00:21:23,416
[HORN HONKS]
485
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:25,351
And plus I got me some of that.
486
00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:26,919
Damn.
487
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,827
LUCKY: Sometimes the world
is cruel to shiny things.
488
00:22:07,877 --> 00:22:12,427
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