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1
00:00:02,152 --> 00:00:08,114
Captioning sponsored by
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
2
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:27,400
and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
TELEVISION
3
00:00:37,988 --> 00:00:38,978
Hey, Peggy Hill.
4
00:00:39,022 --> 00:00:41,184
Thanks for inviting us
to barbecue.
5
00:00:41,225 --> 00:00:44,160
Not to be rude, but is
this name brand soda?
6
00:00:44,194 --> 00:00:45,457
It taste kind of skunky.
7
00:00:45,495 --> 00:00:47,463
Well, of course it's name brand.
8
00:00:47,497 --> 00:00:50,023
It's MegaloMart Private Select.
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00:00:50,067 --> 00:00:51,228
( Sotto voce ).
Idiots.
10
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,633
Are the hot dogs ready?
11
00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:55,331
I got a movie to catch
in 12 minutes.
12
00:00:55,372 --> 00:00:56,339
You're leaving?
13
00:00:56,373 --> 00:00:58,273
Aw, this is a couples' event.
14
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,276
And there's this movie
I'm dying to see.
15
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:03,769
This one's got a Culkin
and a Baldwin in it.
16
00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,942
Well, the dogs will be done
in a few seconds.
17
00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:08,509
Oop, they're plumping.
18
00:01:08,552 --> 00:01:14,582
Hey, I was going
to sit there.
19
00:01:14,625 --> 00:01:15,592
Sorry.
20
00:01:15,626 --> 00:01:19,085
'You said you were going
to sit there.
21
00:01:19,129 --> 00:01:21,621
Eventually.
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00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:23,463
( Sighs)
23
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,595
Okay, everybody, dogs are up.
24
00:01:26,637 --> 00:01:29,038
Now Bill's in a rush,
so he gets first crack.
25
00:01:29,072 --> 00:01:30,039
I'll be speedy.
26
00:01:30,073 --> 00:01:36,035
Okay, we've got ketchup,
mustard, relish over there... (gulping )
27
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:40,510
( Munching loudly )
28
00:01:40,550 --> 00:01:41,984
Sweet Jesus.
29
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:45,216
Whoa, look at him go!
30
00:01:45,255 --> 00:01:49,283
Bill! Bill!
Those dogs are for everyone.
31
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:55,959
( Gulping noisily )
32
00:01:55,999 --> 00:01:59,299
( Belches )
33
00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:01,566
That should do it.
34
00:02:01,605 --> 00:02:03,095
Wow.
35
00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:06,508
If there were 13 more dogs
on that platter
36
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:10,036
Mr. Dauterive would be in the
Guinness Book of World Records.
37
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,176
And did you see how
excited Bobby was
38
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:16,185
about that hot dog
eating record?
39
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:19,450
If he ever puts together
fame and eating...
40
00:02:19,489 --> 00:02:22,015
( shudders ): well, he
might end up like, uh...
41
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:25,290
What was the name of that
large comedian who died?
42
00:02:25,329 --> 00:02:26,455
But it's nice for Bill
43
00:02:26,496 --> 00:02:28,760
to finally have something
he's good at.
44
00:02:28,799 --> 00:02:31,496
Might give him a reason
to live, and what not.
45
00:02:31,535 --> 00:02:33,526
What Bill needs is
a healthy relationship.
46
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,039
Look how I turned
your life around.
47
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,040
Now...
48
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:39,042
Guess what?
I finally got a woman
49
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,043
to agree to go out with him.
50
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,545
My God, you're kidding.
Who?
51
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,910
Sunny Edmunds,
the new librarian.
52
00:02:43,947 --> 00:02:44,937
The perky one?
53
00:02:44,981 --> 00:02:46,949
No, the one who
won't make change.
54
00:02:46,983 --> 00:02:48,473
Did you try
the perky one?
55
00:02:48,518 --> 00:02:54,287
Yes, I did, and it took
the perk right out of her.
56
00:02:54,324 --> 00:02:55,985
Yep.
57
00:02:56,026 --> 00:02:59,052
Bill, what the hell was up
with you and the hot dogs?
58
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,064
That was
the most disgusting thing
59
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:03,726
I've ever seen in my life
or on the Internet.
60
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:06,429
I'm sorry. I was in a hurry.
61
00:03:06,470 --> 00:03:07,665
The movie sucked.
62
00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:09,672
We had to wait
a whole three minutes
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00:03:09,706 --> 00:03:10,867
for Hank to throw
on more dogs.
64
00:03:10,907 --> 00:03:13,740
Does your selfish gluttony
know no end?
65
00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:14,744
No.
66
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:15,745
Now wait a minute,
Bill.
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00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:17,406
Eating 12 hot dogs
in a minute
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00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:20,246
is kind of a...
well, a talent.
69
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:23,014
Huh. I hadn't thought
of it that way.
70
00:03:23,053 --> 00:03:24,487
DALE:
Nice, Hank.
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00:03:24,521 --> 00:03:26,888
Do you want him to be
this lonely pantload
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00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:28,516
for the rest of his life?
73
00:03:28,558 --> 00:03:30,720
As a matter of fact,
Peggy's got a gal
74
00:03:30,761 --> 00:03:34,026
who agreed to go out
on a date with Bill.
75
00:03:34,064 --> 00:03:35,964
That's right, an actual woman.
76
00:03:35,999 --> 00:03:36,966
No!
77
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,901
Yep. Dinner.
Tomorrow night.
78
00:03:39,936 --> 00:03:41,267
Maybe you could
figure out
79
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:45,070
what's causing that, uh,
god-awful smell in your car.
80
00:03:45,108 --> 00:03:46,405
That was a frog.
81
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:47,410
I guess I'll get rid of it.
82
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:52,177
PEGGY:
Oh.
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00:03:52,215 --> 00:03:53,182
I almost forgot.
84
00:03:53,216 --> 00:03:55,651
At dinner, do not order chicken.
85
00:03:55,685 --> 00:03:58,052
Sunny is terrified of birds.
86
00:03:58,088 --> 00:03:59,317
Roger that.
87
00:03:59,356 --> 00:04:02,656
By the way, I took the liberty of
changing our dinner reservations
88
00:04:02,692 --> 00:04:04,319
to Pea Soup Swenson's.
89
00:04:04,361 --> 00:04:06,887
I can show off my talent,
as you say.
90
00:04:06,930 --> 00:04:08,830
If you eat ten bowls of soup
91
00:04:08,865 --> 00:04:10,833
everyone at your table
eats free.
92
00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:13,234
Seven!
93
00:04:13,270 --> 00:04:16,069
Aah...
94
00:04:16,106 --> 00:04:17,835
Sunny, you can
order yourself
95
00:04:17,874 --> 00:04:19,433
another whiskey sour.
96
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:21,444
It's a/f going to
be on the house
97
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,446
"cause I am a
soup-eating machine.
98
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:29,577
( Slurping )
99
00:04:29,619 --> 00:04:31,917
'You promised me
a fat George Clooney.
100
00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:35,550
This is not
a fat George Clooney.
101
00:04:35,592 --> 00:04:37,560
Nine!
102
00:04:39,129 --> 00:04:40,722
Did Sunny go
to the bathroom?
103
00:04:40,764 --> 00:04:43,256
I think I'm wowing her.
104
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,428
( Sighs ).
She left, Bill.
105
00:04:45,469 --> 00:04:46,732
Did she see a bird?
106
00:04:46,770 --> 00:04:47,737
( Peggy scoffs )
107
00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:48,738
You disgusted her.
108
00:04:48,772 --> 00:04:53,642
WOMAN: Mmm, I like
the way you eat soup.
109
00:04:53,677 --> 00:04:54,803
Are you making fun of me?
110
00:04:54,845 --> 00:04:57,041
If you are, it's okay,
I just like to know.
111
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,548
Hell, no.
112
00:04:58,582 --> 00:04:59,549
I follow the sport
113
00:04:59,583 --> 00:05:01,551
of competitive eating
very closely.
114
00:05:01,585 --> 00:05:03,178
But I've never
seen you before.
115
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,949
CyndiBeauchamp. Fan.
116
00:05:04,988 --> 00:05:05,955
Bill Dauterive.
117
00:05:05,989 --> 00:05:07,787
What do you mean by sport?
118
00:05:07,824 --> 00:05:11,021
I figured you were some
dark horse chow hog
119
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,860
in town for the hot dog
eating championship.
120
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:16,366
Haven't you ever
heard of the IFOCE?
121
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:19,369
The International Federation
of Competitive Eating?
122
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,370
Okay, you are
making fun of him.
123
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,667
We get the joke,
ha, ha, ha.
124
00:05:22,706 --> 00:05:23,832
Now move along, lady.
125
00:05:23,874 --> 00:05:25,774
The IFOCE is the real deal.
126
00:05:25,809 --> 00:05:28,073
They're like the NFL
of competitive eating.
127
00:05:28,111 --> 00:05:30,239
You know, Bill,
tomorrow night Dan Vasti--
128
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,248
One of the greats
in the sport�
129
00:05:32,282 --> 00:05:34,250
Is having a party
over in McMaynerbury.
130
00:05:34,284 --> 00:05:36,582
You should come.
Meet the other eaters.
131
00:05:36,620 --> 00:05:39,453
Hmm, I never say no
to a party in McMaynerbury.
132
00:05:39,489 --> 00:05:41,651
I have a feeling
about you.
133
00:05:41,691 --> 00:05:43,921
And I have slept with
enough competitive eaters
134
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,930
to know greatness
when I see it.
135
00:05:46,963 --> 00:05:48,624
Thanks.
136
00:05:48,665 --> 00:05:54,502
( lively dance music playing )
137
00:05:54,538 --> 00:06:01,569
All right,
they've got pepper jack.
138
00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:07,448
Mmm. Oh, that's good shrimp.
139
00:06:07,484 --> 00:06:14,789
MAN: Hey. Easy on the shrimp.
140
00:06:14,824 --> 00:06:16,656
Save it for
game day, slugger.
141
00:06:16,693 --> 00:06:19,594
It's a real rookie mistake to
get your grub on at a party.
142
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,963
I'm sorry. This is my first
organized eating function.
143
00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:23,966
It's cool.
144
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,968
It's just if everyone here
decided to throw down
145
00:06:26,002 --> 00:06:28,562
I'd go broke.
( faughing )
146
00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:29,504
Dan Vasti.
147
00:06:29,539 --> 00:06:30,506
Bill Dauterive.
148
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:31,598
Oh...!
149
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,770
'You're the new gurgitator
Cyndiwas telling me about.
150
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,779
I noticed you breathe
through your nose--
151
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:37,780
That's a good start.
152
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:42,581
Boy, look at the size
of that trophy.
153
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:44,178
Won that baby in Munich.
154
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:45,346
Bratwurst.
155
00:06:45,388 --> 00:06:47,356
And those are
my three consecutive
156
00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:48,357
Mustard Yellow belts.
157
00:06:48,391 --> 00:06:50,792
I was going for four
and then... this.
158
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,192
Massive heart attack.
159
00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:54,993
Triple bypass, 85 stitches,
goat valve.
160
00:06:55,031 --> 00:06:56,328
I'm so sorry.
161
00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:57,333
It's okay.
162
00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:59,734
I'm taking care of myself now.
163
00:06:59,769 --> 00:07:00,736
Red wine.
164
00:07:00,770 --> 00:07:03,899
You know, Bill,
the last big American
165
00:07:03,940 --> 00:07:07,171
to win the Mustard Yellow belt
was Steve Keiner in '99.
166
00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:09,178
Since then,
all the hot dog competitions
167
00:07:09,212 --> 00:07:11,340
have been won
by skinny Japanese guys.
168
00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:13,782
( Sighs ). But I still
believe in the big man.
169
00:07:13,817 --> 00:07:15,080
HANK:
Wait a minute.
170
00:07:15,118 --> 00:07:19,021
America isn't
the hot dog champion?
171
00:07:19,055 --> 00:07:21,023
Well, how could you
let that happen?
172
00:07:21,057 --> 00:07:23,025
This whole nation
is stuffing its face.
173
00:07:23,059 --> 00:07:25,187
Can't one of us do it
at record speed?
174
00:07:25,228 --> 00:07:27,322
Yeah, it's unfreakin'
acceptable, man.
175
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,093
Time for America to get cocky.
176
00:07:29,132 --> 00:07:30,122
Amen, brother.
177
00:07:30,166 --> 00:07:31,224
Aah-aah-aah!
178
00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:34,430
Hank Hill, Bill Dauterive,
this is Kid Rock--
179
00:07:34,471 --> 00:07:36,997
Competitive eating's
fan-o numero uno.
180
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,304
Hell, yeah!
181
00:07:39,342 --> 00:07:40,867
{ how is )
182
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:43,811
Huh, I once canceled
a 12-city European tour
183
00:07:43,847 --> 00:07:46,214
to watch this grub gobbler
chow dog.
184
00:07:46,249 --> 00:07:50,152
Hey, Rock, check out Nozawa
between the two big blondes.
185
00:07:50,186 --> 00:07:51,620
Takeru Nozawa.
186
00:07:51,655 --> 00:07:53,020
The reigning champ.
187
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,023
Eats left
188
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,024
drinks right.
189
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:57,390
110 pounds
of pure stomach.
190
00:07:57,427 --> 00:07:59,225
50 hot dogs
in 12 minutes.
191
00:07:59,262 --> 00:08:00,229
Not one-five.
192
00:08:00,263 --> 00:08:01,230
Five-oh!
193
00:08:01,264 --> 00:08:02,231
Whoa.
194
00:08:02,265 --> 00:08:03,232
Hank Hill.
195
00:08:03,266 --> 00:08:08,136
Ken Irrawaddy.
196
00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:10,469
So, are you an eater?
197
00:08:10,507 --> 00:08:11,872
Yeah.
Laotian noodle champion.
198
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:13,876
I'm branching out into hot dogs.
199
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:14,877
No kidding.
200
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,345
My neighbor's Laotian.
201
00:08:16,379 --> 00:08:19,349
You know a guy named Kahn?
202
00:08:19,382 --> 00:08:21,350
'You're going to wear the belt
one day, baby.
203
00:08:21,384 --> 00:08:22,510
Hey, Cyndi.
204
00:08:22,552 --> 00:08:24,714
( Scornfully ).
Nozawa.
205
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:28,122
When are you going to drop
these fat American losers
206
00:08:28,158 --> 00:08:30,024
and get with number one?
207
00:08:30,060 --> 00:08:31,027
Hey.
208
00:08:31,061 --> 00:08:33,223
You'd look damn sexy
209
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:36,528
wearing nothing but my Mustard
Yellow Championship belt.
210
00:08:36,566 --> 00:08:38,933
You know, I think
your Mustard Yellow belt
211
00:08:38,968 --> 00:08:42,598
is going to look pretty good
around my fat American gut.
212
00:08:42,639 --> 00:08:44,664
Baby, you're not ready yet--
not for Nozawa.
213
00:08:44,708 --> 00:08:45,869
Who are you?
214
00:08:45,909 --> 00:08:47,934
I'm Big Bill Dauterive.
215
00:08:47,977 --> 00:08:50,537
Come next weekend, I'm going
to eat the hell out of you!
216
00:08:50,580 --> 00:08:51,547
Hah! Chump!
217
00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:54,846
You don't know who
you're messing with!
218
00:08:54,884 --> 00:08:55,851
Oh, yeah?
219
00:08:55,885 --> 00:08:59,753
I'll tell you who you're messing
with-- the USA!
220
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:02,781
( Chanting ):
USAI USA!
221
00:09:02,826 --> 00:09:04,294
BOTH:
USAI
222
00:09:04,327 --> 00:09:09,595
ALL ( chanting ).
USA! USA!
223
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,862
( Chanting continues )
224
00:09:11,901 --> 00:09:13,562
USA! USAl
225
00:09:13,603 --> 00:09:14,764
Breathe and
swallow, Bill
226
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:15,771
Breath and swallow!
227
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,773
Come on, you're
eating for Americal
228
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:18,774
I don't get it.
229
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,776
Are you training him
to be an athlete
230
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,437
or a colossal fat-ass?
231
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,446
Dang it, Dale.
232
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,381
When did you get to be
such a Negative Nellie?
233
00:09:26,416 --> 00:09:28,976
Why don't you try being
a Positive Pete?
234
00:09:29,018 --> 00:09:31,214
KAHN: Oh, you
poor, deluded redneck.
235
00:09:31,254 --> 00:09:34,656
You actually think you can eat
more hot dogs than Nozawa? Hah!
236
00:09:34,691 --> 00:09:37,422
Personally, my money
on Ken Irrawaddy--
237
00:09:37,460 --> 00:09:39,519
"The Laotian Commotion."
238
00:09:39,562 --> 00:09:41,724
He the Michael
Jordan of Laos.
239
00:09:41,765 --> 00:09:43,062
HANK:
Keep going, Bill.
240
00:09:43,099 --> 00:09:45,693
'You've got to be able
to focus with distractions
241
00:09:45,735 --> 00:09:47,703
ho matter how annoying
they are.
242
00:09:47,737 --> 00:09:51,367
Guess you haven't heard
of "Belt of Fat theory!"
243
00:09:51,407 --> 00:09:53,102
( Mumbling ):
Belt of fat?
244
00:09:53,143 --> 00:09:55,737
That why fat guys can't keep up
with us skinny Asians.
245
00:09:55,779 --> 00:09:58,180
'Your stomachs are trapped
in belt of fat.
246
00:09:58,214 --> 00:09:59,613
Got no room to stretch.
247
00:09:59,649 --> 00:10:01,947
Irrawaddy not only skinny
and flexible
248
00:10:01,985 --> 00:10:04,852
rumor has it
he got two stomachs.
249
00:10:04,888 --> 00:10:07,323
Huh. I met him at a party
250
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,952
and his stomach seemed
perfectly normal.
251
00:10:10,994 --> 00:10:11,961
'You met Irrawaddy?!
252
00:10:11,995 --> 00:10:14,396
Was he wearing the scarf
I knit for him?!
253
00:10:14,430 --> 00:10:15,397
BOBBY:
Mom.
254
00:10:15,431 --> 00:10:16,455
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
255
00:10:16,499 --> 00:10:17,466
Yes, what?
256
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:22,301
Look what I made for Dad
in shop class� a bird feeder.
257
00:10:22,338 --> 00:10:25,603
Or a shoe box.
I'll let him decide.
258
00:10:25,642 --> 00:10:27,701
HANK:
Throw down those dogs!
259
00:10:27,744 --> 00:10:29,712
Hey, what's
Mr. Dauterive doing?
260
00:10:29,746 --> 00:10:30,941
Whatever it is
261
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:33,449
it sure is making him popular.
262
00:10:33,483 --> 00:10:34,712
Is he... eating?
263
00:10:34,751 --> 00:10:36,344
Let me see that.
264
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,013
What did you do?
265
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:41,354
Obviously you need to
work on your adhesives.
266
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:45,089
I wouldn't show this
to your father just yet.
267
00:10:45,128 --> 00:10:46,653
But-but good try.
268
00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:48,664
Okay, how,
you just need to rank
269
00:10:48,698 --> 00:10:50,188
in the top five
to qualify.
270
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,634
So you don't have to dazzle,
you just have to place.
271
00:10:52,669 --> 00:10:55,263
Remember, Honey Bear,
it's not Roman rules
272
00:10:55,305 --> 00:10:57,433
so whatever you do,
don't vomit.
273
00:10:57,473 --> 00:10:59,703
'You keep those doggies
in your tummy
274
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:02,006
and Cyndi will give
you the nummy-nummy.
275
00:11:02,045 --> 00:11:03,137
( Whistle blowing )
276
00:11:03,179 --> 00:11:06,638
Next up, Nozawa
versus Ken Irrawaddy!
277
00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:09,846
( Air horn blowing )
278
00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:11,445
Irrawaddy! Irrawaddy!
279
00:11:11,487 --> 00:11:15,583
Komy yak kin kow laoew!
280
00:11:15,625 --> 00:11:18,094
He nod at me! He nod at me!
281
00:11:18,127 --> 00:11:19,424
( Whistle blowing )
282
00:11:19,462 --> 00:11:21,260
Mmm, they're
pretty fast.
283
00:11:21,297 --> 00:11:23,265
But here's the Dauterive's
strategy:
284
00:11:23,299 --> 00:11:25,324
Start off slow,
build the momentum
285
00:11:25,368 --> 00:11:28,235
and then kick hard
to the finish line.
286
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,205
Those dogs are going down.
287
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,366
'Yeah, baby!
288
00:11:31,407 --> 00:11:34,604
Yeah, strap on the feed bag,
you tragic behemoth.
289
00:11:34,644 --> 00:11:39,309
How many dogs will it take
to make you feel whole inside?
290
00:11:39,349 --> 00:11:40,316
Shut up, Dale!
291
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:43,149
This man is eating
for his country, Dale.
292
00:11:43,186 --> 00:11:45,917
What you're doing
is treason.
293
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:48,447
( Yowling )
294
00:11:48,491 --> 00:11:50,960
Nazawa's down.
295
00:11:50,994 --> 00:11:52,325
Ooh!
296
00:11:52,362 --> 00:11:53,659
I've hear that
sound before.
297
00:11:53,696 --> 00:11:54,925
Hello,
colostomy bag.
298
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:57,661
( Air horn blowing )
Laos rules!
299
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:01,830
Al fall before the
might of Irrawaddy!
300
00:12:01,871 --> 00:12:03,361
( Whistle blowing )
301
00:12:03,406 --> 00:12:04,464
Irrawaddy:
25-and-a-quarter.
302
00:12:04,507 --> 00:12:06,475
Irrawaddy is how
leading the pack.
303
00:12:06,509 --> 00:12:09,001
Last contestant:
Dauterive.
304
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:10,877
You're soloing.
305
00:12:10,914 --> 00:12:11,881
Come on, baby,
focus.
306
00:12:11,915 --> 00:12:14,612
( Sighs ).
It's go time.
307
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:17,052
Hail the conquering fat-ass!
308
00:12:17,086 --> 00:12:19,180
A lonely pig gorging himself
309
00:12:19,222 --> 00:12:21,987
on the lips and anuses
of his brothers.
310
00:12:22,025 --> 00:12:22,992
Dale, why don't you shut
311
00:12:23,026 --> 00:12:24,994
your skinny little
no-hot-dog-eating mouth?
312
00:12:25,028 --> 00:12:27,224
You know, I figured out
what your problem is.
313
00:12:27,263 --> 00:12:28,924
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
314
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:33,903
I think you're a little jealous
of the Dauterive.
315
00:12:33,937 --> 00:12:34,904
Jealous?!
316
00:12:34,938 --> 00:12:36,702
OFFICIAL:
On your mark...
317
00:12:36,739 --> 00:12:37,797
get set...
318
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:38,807
go!
319
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,070
Jealous of this?
320
00:12:40,109 --> 00:12:43,409
Any idiot
can eat hot dogs.
321
00:12:43,446 --> 00:12:46,211
It's not a talent.
322
00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:47,546
( Munching )
323
00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:50,109
Look, I'll go two at a time.
324
00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:52,747
( Munching loudly )
325
00:12:52,789 --> 00:12:54,314
See? It's nothing special.
326
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:57,019
I can eat three at a time.
Who cares?
327
00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,425
He's tri-doggin'!
328
00:12:58,461 --> 00:12:59,428
Come on, Bill.
329
00:12:59,462 --> 00:13:00,554
Wolf it!
330
00:13:00,596 --> 00:13:08,596
(gulping )
331
00:13:19,315 --> 00:13:20,305
( Whistle blowing )
332
00:13:20,350 --> 00:13:23,115
Dauterive:
22-and-a-half.
333
00:13:23,152 --> 00:13:26,144
New guy:
34-and-an-eighth!
334
00:13:26,189 --> 00:13:27,782
( Crowd gasping )
335
00:13:27,824 --> 00:13:28,791
Congratulations, gentlemen.
336
00:13:28,825 --> 00:13:30,315
You both qualify.
337
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,691
What's your name, gladiator?
338
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,753
Dale Gribble.
339
00:13:33,796 --> 00:13:35,821
( Crowd chanting ).
Gribble! Gribble! USA!
340
00:13:35,865 --> 00:13:38,061
Gribble! Gribble! USA!
341
00:13:38,101 --> 00:13:39,796
Dude, will you sign my face?
342
00:13:39,836 --> 00:13:42,635
Huh?
343
00:13:42,672 --> 00:13:44,834
What about
the Dauterive?
344
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:54,247
BILL ( sobbing ):
Why? Tell me...
345
00:13:54,283 --> 00:13:57,913
why give me a great gift,
only to snatch it away?
346
00:13:57,954 --> 00:13:59,615
What did I do, huh?
347
00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,453
D-Did I ask for too much?
348
00:14:01,491 --> 00:14:07,328
Did I fly too close to the sun
on my beautiful hot dog wings?
349
00:14:07,363 --> 00:14:10,333
( Yelling ):
Why do you like Dale better?!
350
00:14:10,366 --> 00:14:11,800
I hate you!
351
00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:16,465
I'm so sorry,
I didn't mean that.
352
00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:19,601
Please, help me eat
more hot dogs than Dale!
353
00:14:19,642 --> 00:14:20,609
Please!
354
00:14:20,643 --> 00:14:21,610
( Whimpers )
355
00:14:21,644 --> 00:14:24,579
Boy, I still
can't get over Dale.
356
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:25,775
What a dogger.
357
00:14:25,815 --> 00:14:27,943
That little alley of
yours is turning into
358
00:14:27,984 --> 00:14:29,042
quite a freak show.
359
00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:31,019
( Sighs)
What do I do now?
360
00:14:31,054 --> 00:14:33,148
Ah, dang it, Bill.
361
00:14:33,189 --> 00:14:35,248
I've got to go
with the winner tomorrow.
362
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,259
This country's honor
is at stake.
363
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,261
Well, I do not know
how much longer
364
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,285
I can keep Bobby away.
365
00:14:40,329 --> 00:14:43,264
Today he heard Bill training,
so I stabbed my thumb
366
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,267
with a ballpoint pen
to distract him.
367
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,826
Good work.
Thank you.
368
00:14:46,869 --> 00:14:48,496
I think it's infected.
369
00:14:54,010 --> 00:14:57,002
So, have you gotten a chance
to read my short story?
370
00:14:57,180 --> 00:15:00,741
I kinda had, uh...
had some stuff to me.
371
00:15:00,783 --> 00:15:02,512
Fresh-baked muffins,
anyone?
372
00:15:02,552 --> 00:15:04,145
You know I love muffins.
373
00:15:04,187 --> 00:15:06,713
Got any cranberry banana
macadamia nut?
374
00:15:06,756 --> 00:15:08,417
Actually,
that's all I've got.
375
00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:11,393
Oh. When it comes to muffins,
I can't help myself.
376
00:15:11,427 --> 00:15:12,758
I'm a muffaholic.
377
00:15:12,795 --> 00:15:15,662
Mmm!
378
00:15:15,698 --> 00:15:16,790
Hey, Hank, Bill baked
379
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:19,461
fresh cranberry banana
macadamia nut muffins.
380
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:22,233
Bill, Boomhauer's
allergic to macadamias
381
00:15:22,271 --> 00:15:24,638
and you know
I don't eat cranberries.
382
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,665
We've had this
conversation before.
383
00:15:26,709 --> 00:15:30,441
Wait a minute.
384
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,541
My muffin!
385
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,608
Dang it, don't you see
what he's doing?
386
00:15:35,651 --> 00:15:36,618
He's filling you up
387
00:15:36,652 --> 00:15:38,620
so you won't be able
to compete today.
388
00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:41,351
That is
an outrageous accusation!
389
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:44,121
'You're sabotaging your friend
and your country.
390
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,754
'You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
391
00:15:46,796 --> 00:15:48,264
Yeah, but... um... oh!
392
00:15:48,297 --> 00:15:49,264
I'm sorry!
393
00:15:49,298 --> 00:15:51,665
But what am I supposed to do?
394
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,533
I want to bring home
395
00:15:53,569 --> 00:15:55,799
the Mustard Yellow Belt
to Americal
396
00:15:55,838 --> 00:15:56,930
Me! The Dauterive!
397
00:15:56,973 --> 00:15:58,805
Oh, for God sakes, Bill.
398
00:15:58,841 --> 00:16:02,573
I wasn't even planning on going
to the competition.
399
00:16:02,612 --> 00:16:03,579
( Sighs)
400
00:16:03,613 --> 00:16:04,580
Dale...
401
00:16:04,614 --> 00:16:06,173
Lady liberty
is a proud woman.
402
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,274
She doesn't like
to ask her boys for help
403
00:16:08,317 --> 00:16:10,649
but when she does blow
the horn of freedom
404
00:16:10,686 --> 00:16:13,348
I tell you, mister...
405
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,858
I'm sorry, Hank, but I'm
not joining that freak show.
406
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,690
How can you say that?
407
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,855
Because I'm a freak!
408
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:20,863
I know!
409
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,093
I've been there,
and I don't want to go back!
410
00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:24,099
'Sright.
411
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:28,036
It was the fifth grade.
412
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:31,404
! had a touch
of the social anxiety disorder
413
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,205
and medication
was not readily available
414
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,439
or indeed invented yet.
415
00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:39,176
! had a hard time making
connections with people.
416
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:41,809
GIRL:
Did you see that?
417
00:16:41,851 --> 00:16:45,014
Yuck! That
guy ate a bug!
418
00:16:45,054 --> 00:16:46,021
Eww!
419
00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:47,181
Do it again.
420
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:50,625
By the next week, I
was putting on shows at recess.
421
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:54,927
KIDS:
Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
422
00:16:54,964 --> 00:16:57,865
I was an eating machine--
crickets, spiders
423
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,732
dung beetles.
424
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:05,401
I thought I was so cool.
425
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,273
Eat it!
426
00:17:07,310 --> 00:17:10,109
That's so gross!
427
00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:12,911
That is yucky!
428
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,815
Eat more!
429
00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:17,820
What a freak.
430
00:17:17,853 --> 00:17:21,118
Remember, Bill, just because
you have their attention
431
00:17:21,157 --> 00:17:24,855
doesn't mean you have
their respect.
432
00:17:24,894 --> 00:17:28,159
So Bill, I guess
you're America's only hope.
433
00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:29,096
Are you in?
434
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,098
I am so in.
435
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,099
Oh...
436
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,294
Hank?
437
00:17:44,213 --> 00:17:45,408
Is there any chance
438
00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:47,712
I might be able to get
some alone time with Dale and...
439
00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:49,878
"persuade� him?
440
00:17:49,919 --> 00:17:51,512
Keep your
pants on, lady.
441
00:17:51,554 --> 00:17:52,817
My wife's
hotter than you
442
00:17:52,855 --> 00:17:54,186
and she throws
more sex at me
443
00:17:54,223 --> 00:17:56,715
than I know
what to do with.
444
00:17:56,759 --> 00:18:00,093
Cyndi, believe in the big man.
445
00:18:00,129 --> 00:18:01,221
Show me a miracle, baby.
446
00:18:01,264 --> 00:18:06,930
PEGGY: The outlet
mall is a bit of a drive
447
00:18:06,969 --> 00:18:07,993
but God help me
448
00:18:08,037 --> 00:18:10,005
I love those
discontinued pantsuits.
449
00:18:10,039 --> 00:18:12,770
Hey, look,
the County Fair!
450
00:18:12,808 --> 00:18:16,142
Something about
a hot dog contest.
451
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,146
I could go for a hot dog.
452
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,204
Maybe even two.
453
00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:21,444
Oh, good, here's another sign.
454
00:18:21,484 --> 00:18:22,781
Mom, what are you doing?!
455
00:18:22,818 --> 00:18:23,979
Well, you know,
it just occurred to me--
456
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,149
I have never
taken you fishing!
457
00:18:36,899 --> 00:18:39,027
OFFICIAL: Gladiators,
hands on the table.
458
00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:40,627
Judges, you ready?
459
00:18:40,670 --> 00:18:41,967
On your mark...
460
00:18:42,004 --> 00:18:42,766
get set...
461
00:18:42,805 --> 00:18:46,435
eat!
462
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:54,510
Dang it, Irraawaddy's already up
463
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,575
two dogs on Bill.
464
00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:57,780
He's got to kick.
465
00:18:57,820 --> 00:18:59,413
Too soon.
He'll flame out!
466
00:18:59,455 --> 00:19:00,320
( Air horn blares )
467
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:01,983
S Laos rules &
468
00:19:02,024 --> 00:19:05,119
4 Laos rules! I
469
00:19:05,161 --> 00:19:07,528
Uh, aren't we supposed
to have fishing rods?
470
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:09,031
Fishing rods?
( sputters lips)
471
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:11,432
Have you ever seen a bear
use a fishing rod?
472
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:13,697
Here, use the tackle
God gave you.
473
00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:16,228
Look, look,
there's a sturgeon!
474
00:19:16,272 --> 00:19:19,799
Slap it out
of the water, Bobby!
475
00:19:19,842 --> 00:19:22,334
Where? I don't see it.
476
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:27,942
Oh, you're scaring him away with
all your talk, talk, talking!
477
00:19:27,983 --> 00:19:29,974
DAN:
Look, Bill's kicking!
478
00:19:30,019 --> 00:19:31,009
He's kicking!
479
00:19:31,053 --> 00:19:32,543
C'mon, work it!
480
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:33,555
He's ahead!
481
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:34,579
Go, Bill
482
00:19:34,623 --> 00:19:37,285
Attack the dog!
Attack the dog!
483
00:19:37,326 --> 00:19:40,023
( Chanting ):
USA, USA...
484
00:19:40,062 --> 00:19:42,724
KAHN: Come on, Irrawaddy!
485
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:46,133
Laos is depending
on you!
486
00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:48,193
Dauterive!
Go, Dauterive!
487
00:19:48,237 --> 00:19:51,571
Eat it! Eat it!
488
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:53,632
( No audio )
489
00:19:53,676 --> 00:19:57,044
DALE:
Is he? Is he?
490
00:19:57,079 --> 00:19:59,741
He is!
He's quitting!
491
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,773
All right, Bill!
492
00:20:01,817 --> 00:20:02,784
No!
493
00:20:02,818 --> 00:20:04,513
Come on, Bill!
494
00:20:04,553 --> 00:20:05,884
USA! USA?
495
00:20:05,921 --> 00:20:08,219
Hank... I'm full.
496
00:20:08,257 --> 00:20:09,224
I know, buddy.
497
00:20:09,258 --> 00:20:10,692
Just another 15 dogs.
498
00:20:10,726 --> 00:20:12,455
But they're laughing at me.
499
00:20:12,495 --> 00:20:13,792
Do I have to keep doing this?
500
00:20:13,829 --> 00:20:14,819
Uh...
501
00:20:14,864 --> 00:20:19,461
I guess it's
for America.
502
00:20:23,205 --> 00:20:25,503
You know, Bill,
America doesn't heed to win
503
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:27,066
every dang thing
to be great.
504
00:20:27,109 --> 00:20:30,602
We've got the Constitution,
two George Bushes
505
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,011
great toilets.
506
00:20:32,047 --> 00:20:34,539
Hell, we played golf
on the moon.
507
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:37,951
I guess we can let Laos have a
stupid wiener contest, can't we?
508
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:43,983
DAN: What the
hell are you doing?!
509
00:20:44,026 --> 00:20:49,294
Bill, you fool,
there's still time!
510
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,493
Dude, get back in there
and eat like the wind!
511
00:20:51,534 --> 00:20:54,868
Thank you for the hot dogs,
but I've had enough to eat.
512
00:20:54,904 --> 00:20:56,872
I bid you good day.
513
00:20:56,906 --> 00:20:58,374
OFFICIAL:
And the winner�-
514
00:20:58,407 --> 00:21:00,808
Ken Irrawaddy,
from Laos!
515
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,607
( Air horn blares )
516
00:21:02,645 --> 00:21:06,240
This is the proudest
day of my life!
517
00:21:06,282 --> 00:21:07,613
Oh, that's it!
518
00:21:07,650 --> 00:21:11,678
I'm quitting music
and putting on the bib.
519
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,051
( Triumphant shout )
520
00:21:13,088 --> 00:21:15,580
So, uh, things
still on with Cyndi?
521
00:21:15,624 --> 00:21:16,591
No.
522
00:21:16,625 --> 00:21:20,255
Well, at least you got
a little chick a-womp-womp.
523
00:21:20,296 --> 00:21:23,493
Actually, we were
saving it for tonight.
524
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,557
My idea.
525
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:26,568
Attaboy, Bill.
526
00:21:26,602 --> 00:21:31,768
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
527
00:21:31,807 --> 00:21:33,866
BILL: Anyone got a breath mint?
528
00:21:33,909 --> 00:21:34,876
HANK:
Yep.
529
00:21:34,910 --> 00:21:36,878
DALE:
Here you go.
530
00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:41,478
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