All language subtitles for King of the Hill s06e10 The Substitute Spanish Prisoner.eng

I have corrected your geometry
homework from last night.

For anyone who did not get
the extra credit question,

Peggy Hill was the
Substitute Teacher of the Year in 1996.

I got number four wrong.
Explain it, please.

Okay.

"True or false?

"A circle of diameter 3...

has a larger area than
a square of side 3."

And the answer, of course, is...

"False!"

Why?

Well, just look at it.

It's got the areas
and your diameters.

You can't show your work.

- She stinks.
- Of course I can.

But if I have to waste all my time
explaining number four to you,

I will not have time
to explain number five.

"True."

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

HANK: You know, if we're gonna follow
the Cowboys around when we retire,

we'll be going to your
Green Bays and your Minnesotas,

so an RV with a heated steering wheel
just makes sense.

Of course, that means
we'll need the luxury cruiser,

which is $5,000 more
than the deluxe cruiser.

So, how much extra per month
do we need to put away?

And just what is that
supposed to mean?

You think I can't do basic math?

Is that why you've always handled
the retirement account?

That's crazy.
You know I just enjoy going to the bank.

Well, I am going from now on.
Comprende?

Oh, Hank, I'm sorry.

The truth is,
something else is upsetting me.

Oh, well, okay. You feel better?

No! Hank, my entire life,
I have always had all the answers.

And today I didn't, and I'm scared.

What if I'm really not
as smart as I think I am?

[CRYING]

Come on, Peggy,
You've got an IQ of 170.

You've said so lots of times.

Yes, but there could
be a margin of error...

especially when it's
just my own estimate.

Hank, I have never
taken an IQ test in my life.

Oh, God! What if I'm average?

Do you have any idea
how dumb average is?

[GRUNTING]

"The only intelligence-testing site

endorsed by the
Intelligence Institute of Texas."

Even I sound smart reading that.

Okay, Bobby, this needs to be official.
Ready?

And go!

[CHIMING]

Done!

Oh, yeah!

Bobby,
you got a People and a Teen People.

Peggy, you got a letter from the
"Intelligence Institute of--"

"Dear genius,
based on your high intelligence score,

we extend an invitation
to join an elite group.

The 150 smartest people in Texas.

Copies of the handsome
official registry of members

featuring your name, Peggy Hill,

may be purchased for only $39.99,
a $59.99 value!"

Can we buy one?

The registry will be presented to me
at a ceremonial dinner

at the Hotel Arlen.

No guests, of course,
unless they're also certified geniuses.

Well, that's okay.
You go ahead and have fun.

I'll just stay home
and watch the ballgame,

unless you want me to take that test.

Oh, Hank.

My Nancy's a genius, too,

a genius at having a great can!

Yeah. Peggy's pretty excited about

getting her name in this book
that the Institute puts out.

- Institute?
- Yeah. The Intelligence Institute.

They recommend
that we buy 20 books,

but I'm hoping
Peggy will be satisfied with eight.

Twenty books, eh?

So, they administer the test,
and they sell the books.

Sounds like
she is getting ripped off by them.

- Now, wait a second.
- You're getting scammed.

I should know. I lost a bundle
to that gypsy modeling school.

Oh, Peggy.

I'm just saying, if something sounds
too good to be true, it probably is.

The books are almost $40 each.
That is not a very good deal.

You know those pads of eight-by-ten
scratch paper Dale gave us?

The ones with the picture of him
holding a tennis racket?

Well, it turns out
those were part of a scam.

Maybe you should go talk to him
before going to this dinner.

Honey, it is sweet of you to be worried,
but I do not need your help.

Oh, I wish my lenses were thicker.

Hello. My name is
Dr. Robert Vayzosa.

I'm the provost
of the Intelligence Institute.

It's such a pleasure and an honor,
and a little intimidating, I must say,

to be standing here before you.
My gosh.

But before we begin
the presentation of the books...

[EXCLAIMING]

[ALL GASPING]

I'd like to talk about an exciting way

for you to take your brainpower
and your lives to the max.

To the max?

You're all familiar with the benefits
of a PhD degree.

The clock at the bank once said,
110 degrees!

But what if you could get
that same prestigious degree at home,

through a series of super-concentrated,
for-geniuses-only courses?

Now, I know what you're thinking.
There's gotta be a catch.

Well, there is.

- What?
- What?

You've got to be a genius.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

I've always wanted a PhD,
but $999?

It just seems like a lot of money.

If I had a PhD,
I'd stop being a sports announcer

and start calling
chess games and such.

I would quit my job
as a housekeeper at EconoSuites.

I'm Jimmy. I work at the
car race where the cars race.

If I was Dr. Jimmy,
no one would call me stupid.

- "Dr. Jimmy" does have a ring to it.
- Hey! I thought of it first!

- Well, I know--
- Give it back! Give it back to me!

Excuse me, geniuses.

I hope you won't mind
if I borrow Mrs. Hill?

[SIGHING]

Dr. Vayzosa,
I must admit I am a little surprised

to see Jimmy Wichert here.

I'm quite familiar with the man
and his work. And I--

Peggy, Peggy, if you dropped
a box of toothpicks in front of him,

you'd understand
why we at the Institute

expect great, great things
from Jimmy Wichert.

However, they're nothing
compared to what we expect from you.

Peggy, I think you could
be my greatest student.

I feel the same way.
But I don't have $999.

Well, let's think about that.

Do you have an IRA,
savings account?

A car? Do you have a car?

Well, my husband and I
have been saving for our retirement.

Well, Peggy, with a PhD in hand,

your earning power
is gonna skyrocket.

[EXCLAIMING]

I don't have to tell a genius
what a doctor earns.

Peggy, are you worth investing in?

- Who should I make it out to?
- Cash is fine.

MAN: Welcome to America's most
prestigious box degree program.

Let's begin our learning adventure.
Please open workbook number one.

Shapes. Circle the word on the right
that corresponds.

This concludes workbook number 40
and your PhD coursework.

Congratulations on
your achievement, doctor.

What a night.

[CEREMONIAL GRADUATION MUSIC PLAYING]

Say good morning
to Dr. Peggy Hill!

And how about some eggs, doctor?

Bobby, don't make fun
of your mother.

Hank, let me bring you up to speed.

I have a PhD now.

The Intelligence Institute sold me
everything I needed.

They sold you a PhD?
For how much?

- $999.
- What?

Where the heck did you get
that kind of money?

From our retirement account.

That was supposed to be our reward
for all the years of responsibility!

How could you do this, Peggy?

Wait. Are you mad
because I didn't do this sooner?

No, I'm mad
because I didn't put my foot down

the moment I knew
you were in over your head

with a bunch of con artists!

Oh, I see.

Okay, so the only people who think
I am smart enough to earn a doctorate

must be con artists, is that it?

I'm not convinced they think
you're all that smart, Peggy.

They could have rigged that test
so anyone would look like a genius.

Anyone, Hank?

- I'm a genius!
- Okay, that's it.

I'm gonna leave you two geniuses
right here while I clean up your mess.

Hank, I do not need you
to clean up my messes.

And this is not a mess!
And I'll clean it up!

It's over, Peggy.

Let me put this in words
even a genius can understand.

You are not a genius.

Look, what I mean is...

Okay, you've got what they call
book smarts.

Now, if we wanted to write a story
about you losing our money,

well, hands down,
you're the one for the job.

But if we want to do something
that needs street smarts,

like getting our money back from
the jerk who stole it, then I'm the guy.

I can take care of it, Hank.

Luckily, I have enough faith in me
for the both of us.

Hank?

I came for my money back.

No, no. Listen, I said
you'd lose up to 30 pounds. Up to.

[GASPING]

- You said I was a genius!
- No, no. Okay.

Didn't you read the fine print
on your diploma?

It clearly states, "No refunds."

Nada refundo. Okay?
No refunds.

Unfortunately, I called you here
to give you some bad news.

Dr. Robert Vayzosa is a con artist.

The PhDs he sold us aren't even worth
the paper we printed them on!

- No!
- What?

Impossible! I've already received
several graduation gifts.

A hat, a toaster, and a hat.

Well, it turns out those intelligence tests
tested nothing but our gullibility.

But we took the test!

- Yes, I did.
- I took it, too.

People, let me see
if I can explain it another way.

Things are not always
as they appear to be.

This looks like I pulled my thumb off.

Oh! She pulled her thumb off!

- Call a doctor!
- I'm a doctor.

No... Vayzosa lied to us
to get our money.

- Oh, my God! We were scammed!
- He took us for saps.

What do we do now?

Well, we get our money back
by conning the con man.

And here is how
it's gonna go down.

PEGGY: Vayzosa already knows
that Jimmy works at the race track.

What he does not know
is that the mob fixes the drag races

and Jimmy always knows
who's going to win.

JIMMY: Wait a second!
There ain't no fixed races!

PEGGY:
I said it was a con, Jimmy.

I tell Vayzosa there is an illegal
betting parlor at the EconoSuites,

where all of Arlen's high rollers bet
on the races.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Jimmy calls me from the track

and gives me the winners in advance.

I place my bet,
Tug announces the results, and I win.

We will convince Vayzosa he has
a sure thing by letting him win two races.

TUG: We're gonna give him
more of our money?

PEGGY: Just another $1,000 apiece,
to gain his trust.

Then his natural greed will take over
and he will place a huge bet,

and we will fix the last race
so he loses it all!

Who's ready?

We're gonna con him!
Con him good!

ALL:
Yeah!

Wow! You got a big foot there!

Please, I need that money.

All right, all right. Here.

Help yourself to a bottle of
herbal bust enhancer,

and we'll call it even.

I shouldn't tell you this, but I have got
the opportunity of a lifetime.

You lend me the money,
I will cut you in.

Time to bait the hook.
$1,000 apiece, please.

Vayzosa's already
taken us for $8,000.

If I lose this,
I'll have to be buried at sea.

You have my word
they will put you in the ground.

And that goes for all of you!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Dr. Vayzosa just checked in.
Room 27.

It's on.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

TUG: And in the third race,
it's Roman, El Tigre, Black Sky!

Oh, darn, darn!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Jimmy?

"I'm at the race track.
I know who wins.

"Scott Yancy!"

Got it. Scott Yancy.

Welcome to the gambling parlor.
Your bet, sir?

Yeah, $2,000 on
Scott Yancy at 2-to-1.

$2,000?

It's almost like you
have a hot tip.

TUG:
And in the fourth race,

Scott Yancy is off the line fast,
and Yancy wins!

$4,000.

Is it lucky in here,
or is it just you?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

But, like my ex-wife used to say,
"Anybody can do it once."

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Jay-vee-air Martin-Z.

Javier Martinez it is.

Well, why not make this interesting?

I'm gonna bet $6,000 at 2-to-1.

And it's Javier Martinez,

the Wacko from Waco all the way!

Enough with this small change.

I want to clean these Okies out.

No. No, I don't want to remove
Mrs. Hill from the account.

I'd just like to change the PIN number
to my birthday.

Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry you
had to hear that, Bobby.

Your mother's a good woman.

She's just not a good woman
with money.

Yeah. I just hope she doesn't
lose that second $1,000.

- What?
- I'm sure she won't.

It's just that
running a fake gambling parlor

out of the EconoSuites
is not as easy as it sounds.

You've got races to stage,
odds to rig,

a lot of money to keep track of.

But if anyone can do it, it's Mom.

Oh, God!

WOMAN: It's good there's plenty more
where that came from.

R.J. Dobbs.

That pays 4-to-1.

Well, how much should I bet?
$10,000? Should I bet $15,000?

Looks like they're ready to go!

Well, you came with $8,000
and you've doubled it.

- Why not bet all $16,000?
- Last call for bets, sir.

Well, I could bet it all
and win $64,000.

Yeah. On the other hand,

I could just take my money
and walk out of here.

But you're going to win!
I promise!

Yeah, but I don't know,
somehow it just seems greedy.

It just seems greedy.

Goodbye, Peggy.
Thank you so much.

Thanks for all of this money.

[LAUGHING]

TUG:
And R.J. Dobbs loses!

BOTH:
Huh? And?

He didn't place the bet.

What are we gonna do, Peggy?
He took all our money.

Peggy! Bobby told me everything!

Oh, Hank.
I don't know how he did it,

but Vayzosa saw right
through our scam!

All the money is gone!

I should have listened to you,
but I didn't.

While you were talking,
I was humming a song inside my head,

just waiting for you to stop!

I've ruined the rest of our lives!

And Vayzosa's up in Room 27,
laughing at us!

No, he's laughing at you.
He doesn't know I'm coming.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Open up, Vayzosa!
This is Hank Hill!

I want my wife's money back!

I'm not messing around here!
Now you open this door right now!

[BANGING ON DOOR]

You hear me?

I'm not fooling!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, is it your first time in a hotel room?
Go ahead. Take the Bible.

It's got to be here somewhere.

[SIGHING]

Nothing.

You don't want to do this the easy way,
fine, I'll just call the cops.

And tell them what?

That your wife was running
a fraudulent betting parlor?

That's right, Mr. Hill.
Ain't nothing you can do.

Look, you married a fool.

Now, unless you're interested
in losing up to 30 pounds...

No!

[RINGING]

My room safe is gone!

This is EconoSuites.
We don't have room safes.

What? Oh!

Thanks, Boomhauer.

I knew I could count
on you not to talk.

Yo, man.

[PANTING]

No! No!

Oh, yeah!
Give me them bad boys!

Well, I gotta hand it to you.
You made me look like a jackass,

but you got everyone's money back.

Mom, I know a magician's
not supposed to reveal his--

Here's how I did it.

I knew Vayzosa was too smart
for a straight-up con.

But that over-confidence would prove
to be his fatal flaw.

I ran an obvious bad con

to distract him
from my secret brilliant con.

But there was one thing
I was missing.

A bellowing dupe whose incessant need
to rescue his helpless wife

would drive Vayzosa
to stash all his money in his room safe.

Luckily, I had you, Hank,
thanks to you, Bobby.

Okay, okay, so I doubted you,
like you thought I would.

What if I didn't?
What if I'd believed in you?

- Then where would we be, huh?
- I covered that base, too.

- Vayzosa valet-parked his car.
- So?

The EconoSuites
doesn't have valet parking.

[LAUGHING]

You were gonna steal his car.
That would have been a felony.

But that other stuff, that's genius.

Yep. There is one thing
Vayzosa never counted on.

Dr. Peggy Hill!

JIMMY: Oh! She pulled her thumb off!
Call a doctor!

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