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1
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:36,402
HANK: Boy, those pictures from our trip
to the new hardware store...
2
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:37,971
sure came out great.
3
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,301
Okay, keep flipping.
4
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:44,344
I finished off the roll with some pictures
of my new boyfriend, Zack.
5
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:48,614
I'm Zack.
Thank you for choosing Foto Phast.
6
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,614
So we can't blame the red eyes
on the flash.
7
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,448
-What do we owe you?
-$12.50.
8
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,523
No, no. Let me get it.
9
00:00:56,623 --> 00:01:00,526
Since Zack and I are dating,
I get his employee discount.
10
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,124
How much do I owe you?
11
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:05,598
$12.50.
12
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:10,932
-No hard feelings, but it's over, Linda.
-Linda?
13
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:14,207
That's not how my name is pronounced.
14
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:17,309
Oh, Luanne.
Honey, he just broke up with you.
15
00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:19,145
Oh!
16
00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:20,804
Oh, God. No!
17
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:30,717
Oh, honey, please don't feel bad.
It makes your uncle uncomfortable.
18
00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:34,387
If Zack had told me
he was gonna act like such a butt...
19
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:36,588
I would have never slept with him.
20
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:37,823
You what?
21
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:39,098
[Gasps]
22
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,194
Oh, no.
23
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:42,860
So that means you're not--
24
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:46,463
Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin
the first time I had sex.
25
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,934
Nobody likes a quitter, Luanne.
26
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:52,740
Zack liked me.
And so did Buckley, and Brad...
27
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:54,837
and Brad's ex-best friend.
28
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,842
Well, I think they liked me.
29
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:02,850
You know, Luanne, there's someone
who'll love you more if you don't put out.
30
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:06,327
Why don't we swing by his bachelor pad?
31
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:10,459
STROUP: Well, you are right.
She has sinned.
32
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:14,625
But if young people like Luanne didn't sin,
I'd be out of a job.
33
00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:20,831
Seriously, Luanne,
there is a way to restore your purity.
34
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:22,665
She's listening.
35
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,268
She can become a born-again virgin.
36
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,074
How do you pull that one off?
37
00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:29,410
It's a religious ceremony we perform.
38
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:31,883
All you have to do is promise
not to have sex again...
39
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,511
until you're married and log 14 hours...
40
00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:37,215
in our
Youth Abstinence Outreach Program.
41
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,588
So, Luanne, are you interested?
42
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,619
I'm willing to try anything once.
43
00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:48,662
Mr. and Mrs. Hill, are you willing to be
Luanne's virginity sponsors?
44
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:52,165
Sponsor?
You mean like what the drunks have?
45
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,502
Mr. Hill, a celibacy sponsor is like...
46
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,543
an offensive lineman
for the virgin quarterback.
47
00:02:57,944 --> 00:03:00,709
The other team is gonna be
coming on strong.
48
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,715
So Luanne needs you
to get out there and block.
49
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:06,749
Or she may very well get sacked.
50
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:10,822
Well, that's not in the Bible,
but it should be. I'll do it.
51
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,759
STROUP: Okay, people.
52
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:21,994
Who's ready to engage in a frank
and open discussion of fornication?
53
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:27,166
May I remind you that there is a poster
of Jesus behind that ping-pong table?
54
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:29,436
Oh, of course. Thanks, Hank.
55
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:33,707
There will be ping-pong
and pasta salad after we finish.
56
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,312
Now let's break into
male and female discussion groups...
57
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:40,011
and share our detailed sexual histories.
58
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:43,521
We're going to kick things off today
by testifying...
59
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:46,888
to the number of sexual partners
each of us has had.
60
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,519
Four.
61
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,722
So close to five.
62
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,059
Anyway, Hank?
63
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:57,997
What? No, thank you.
I'm just here as a sponsor.
64
00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:01,564
Yeah, and as a role model
for our emerging virgins...
65
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,367
your insights could make the difference
between going all the way...
66
00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:07,914
and going all the way to heaven.
67
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:09,682
[Sighs]
68
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,579
Well, okay.
69
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,713
I had my share of girlfriends...
70
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:17,188
but coach always told me
to save it for football.
71
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:20,624
Which I did. And then I met Peggy Platter.
72
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,225
And things got kind of heavy.
73
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,592
But she insisted
we wait until our wedding night.
74
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,169
And I thank her every day for that.
75
00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:32,330
So the answer's one. Next.
76
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:33,733
LARRY: Rhett.
77
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,273
I had just one, too.
78
00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:39,940
But we weren't married. I hate myself.
79
00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:43,907
I was getting a massage.
80
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,452
This sort of thing happens every day.
81
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:50,217
A young man, naked in a massage parlor--
82
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:55,219
No, sir. I wasn't at a massage parlor.
83
00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:58,354
I was at an arts and crafts fair.
I took my shirt off.
84
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,331
Stupid, stupid Rhett.
85
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,467
Then she put me face down
on this padded...
86
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:07,404
I don't know what, a sex chair,
and started rubbing my shoulders.
87
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:11,501
And then she brushed against me.
And she smelled so good.
88
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:15,912
1 felt this...
89
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:21,386
And then I sinned my pants.
90
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,851
Oh, that's not losing your virginity.
91
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,359
All you lost was those pants.
92
00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:32,053
I mostly work with propane,
so why don't I just go do that?
93
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:37,132
STROUP: ...18, and 19.
94
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:41,430
Well, when you say it,
it doesn't sound like much.
95
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:46,035
But when you're sitting there with
19 Hershey's Kisses in front of you...
96
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,337
that's a lot of chocolate.
97
00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:50,547
-Barbara?
-Six.
98
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:51,808
Very good.
99
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,784
I'm the youngest one here.
100
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,118
I can't tell them
I've had sex with four men.
101
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,252
They'll think I'm a slut.
102
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,521
It does not matter what they think.
103
00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:04,893
You have a forgiving God
and a tough but fair aunt.
104
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,159
Luanne?
105
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,726
-Four.
-Four.
106
00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:11,595
Peggy?
107
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:14,106
One. My husband.
108
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:17,766
Well, good for you.
Ladies, this is a model for us all.
109
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,642
Oh, no, please. I'm not.
110
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,940
Oh, yes, you are.
111
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:25,741
You are an inspiration, a holy beacon.
112
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,981
We may not all be able to
match your rectitude...
113
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:32,525
but God has truly prepared
a special place for you.
114
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:33,787
Two.
115
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:37,091
-I'm sorry?
-I would like one more chocolate, please.
116
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,526
-Are you hungry, hon?
-No.
117
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,495
I slept with another man
before I met my husband.
118
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,163
STROUP: And two.
119
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:59,408
Luanne, it was my very best male friend,
Wayne Trotter.
120
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,351
People always thought
we were going steady...
121
00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:04,981
but there'd never been
anything romantic between us until...
122
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,788
one day we were at Pier 1.
123
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:10,886
He sat me down in a wicker chair
and took my hand.
124
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:13,227
He had beautiful hands.
125
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:17,931
And he said to me,
"Peggy, I think I might be gay."
126
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:22,106
And this was back when being gay
in Texas was not as fun as it is today.
127
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:24,935
We decided that
the only way to know for sure...
128
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,912
was to test him with Peggy Platter.
129
00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:31,012
So, we went back to Wayne's house...
130
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,449
gently pushed aside
his decorative throw pillows...
131
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,113
and then... Oh, yeah.
132
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,215
Did you fix him?
133
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:41,989
Oh, no, Luanne.
He was not broken. Just gay.
134
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,231
Very, very gay.
135
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,231
Are you ladies decent?
136
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,861
Hey, you guys got chocolate?
137
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,564
Boy, am I jealous.
138
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:04,110
Welcome, virgins,
soon-to-be virgins, sponsors...
139
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:07,152
and fans of premarital abstinence.
140
00:08:07,253 --> 00:08:10,917
Will the sponsors of Luanne Platter
please step forward?
141
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:16,727
Luanne, before God and man...
142
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,761
your next breath will be
as if it were your first.
143
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,436
[Shrieking]
144
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,698
I'm a virgin!
145
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,135
[Luanne laughing excitedly]
146
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,581
What's up? Want to play some B?
147
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:41,643
She is no longer interested in catching
what you're throwing, mister.
148
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:47,889
Okay. Everyone who hasn't had
premarital sex gets ice cream.
149
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:48,984
Oh, dear God.
150
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:57,530
Well, I wouldn't tell him.
151
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:01,905
I just feel so terrible.
I cannot sleep. I cannot eat.
152
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,635
I have already lost a pound.
153
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:05,575
You look wonderful, sug'.
154
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:06,839
I agree.
155
00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:09,779
Normally, I would say so
with a lot more enthusiasm...
156
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,977
but I am under a lot of stress.
157
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:16,119
No sex equals great sex!
158
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:19,089
No sex equals great sex!
159
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,749
Oh, Bobby.
160
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,357
I need to talk to you and...
161
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:27,056
"your peer group� about your virginity.
162
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,830
I am not having sex until at least
my sophomore year at Harvard.
163
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:31,961
You heard her.
164
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,734
Not until our sophomore year at Harvard.
165
00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:37,401
Your virginity is in danger now!
166
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:40,275
You need to sign
this abstinence pledge card...
167
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:43,748
before you discover
how wonderful sex feels.
168
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,685
Keep talking.
169
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:49,517
Okay. In addition to heaven...
170
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,651
there are other benefits to this pledge.
171
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:56,793
You get a 10% discount on CDs,
movies, bowling and video games.
172
00:09:56,896 --> 00:10:00,457
And a free MP3 player
if you sign up 10 other virgins.
173
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,696
We sure got lucky.
174
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,171
When we were 18
we were already married.
175
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,106
If we'd had to wait any longer,
who knows what kind of trouble...
176
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,769
we would have gotten into?
177
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,505
With each other, of course.
178
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:17,641
Boy. Thank God for my free weights
and your strong moral fiber.
179
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:20,947
My virtue is not the issue, Hank.
This is about Luanne.
180
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,351
Well, that's what scares me.
181
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,891
She's got nowhere near your upbringing
or self-control.
182
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:29,125
I'll be damned if I'm gonna raise her baby.
183
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:33,059
We've got to find her a good boy
with strong values.
184
00:10:33,666 --> 00:10:35,191
Hey, I know a guy.
185
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,129
Yeah!
186
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,207
That's quite a hook you got there, Rhett.
187
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,900
I spend a lot of time bowling.
188
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:45,376
I can't imagine a bigger rush
than picking up a spare.
189
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,673
Ain't that so?
190
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,948
Rhett, this is my niece, Luanne.
191
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,812
She loves bowling and self-control.
192
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,053
Hi.
193
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,390
I'm Rhett.
194
00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:04,823
I saw you at the virgin thing.
195
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,601
I got kicked out for already being one.
196
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:14,607
You wanna bowl? It's totally not a sin.
197
00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:16,539
-Okay.
-Yeah.
198
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,337
Oh, sure.
199
00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:23,746
TV and movies might make
premarital sex look good...
200
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,784
but it's dangerous.
201
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:29,913
It's caused broken homes,
broken hearts, depression...
202
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,657
I'll sign.
203
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,332
Who wants to play miniature golf
Friday night?
204
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,196
-$2 off.
-Yo.
205
00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:44,601
Sorry, but that's the night
of the Abstinence Dance.
206
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,867
I promised Luanne
I'd help her and Rhett chaperone.
207
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,170
You know,
make sure the kids have a good time...
208
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,744
but not a great one.
209
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:54,506
Well, you go to your prissy little dance.
210
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:57,515
Me and the boys are going
to the putt-putt range.
211
00:11:57,617 --> 00:12:01,076
My sources tell me that that bully
no longer works there.
212
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:07,358
[Upbeat instrumental music playing]
213
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,784
I saw her panties.
214
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,654
[Slow romantic music playing]
215
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,863
I feel so safe with you, Rhett.
216
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:56,204
With Rad, my last committed
on-again-off-again relationship...
217
00:12:56,743 --> 00:13:00,373
everything we did
always seemed to lead to sex.
218
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:04,311
God, Luanne. Sounds terrible.
219
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,649
It was.
220
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:10,819
Did you know that the changing table
at What-a-Burger is strong enough...
221
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:13,119
to hold up one person, but not two?
222
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,627
I thought people only had sex in bed.
223
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,127
Or the shower.
224
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:19,031
That could work, right?
225
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,294
Or is there enough room to lie down?
226
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,960
Real virgins are so cute.
227
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:27,233
[Upbeat swing music playing]
228
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:34,176
That's it!
229
00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:38,474
Will you marry me?
230
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:40,152
[Gasps]
231
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,258
Well, look at Bobby.
232
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:51,456
I think he has finally found his sport.
233
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,629
LUANNE: Oh, my God!
234
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,895
Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy...
235
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,836
Rhett asked me to marry him
and I said yes.
236
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:00,906
You what?
237
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,169
Luanne, you barely know this guy.
238
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,745
Yeah, but we have so much in common.
239
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,643
We are both virgins.
In fact, that's how we met.
240
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:13,614
Yes, I know.
|I introduced you two days ago.
241
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:17,115
And each day has been
better than the one before.
242
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:20,456
May I give you a little preview
of your wedding?
243
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,392
"Does anyone object?�
244
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,020
"Yes, I do."
245
00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:25,359
"And who are you?"
246
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:26,432
"Peggy Hilll"
247
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,694
Don't you want me to get married?
248
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:32,066
Of course I do, honey. But not to Rhett.
249
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:35,099
When we meet the right guy for you,
we'll know.
250
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,940
I may be a virgin, but I have been
around the block a few times...
251
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,207
and I know when
someone's talking down at me.
252
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:44,909
I am just trying to protect you
from your feelings, thoughts and instincts.
253
00:14:45,017 --> 00:14:47,748
I know that this is difficult for you,
Aunt Peggy...
254
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:49,344
but you should be proud of me.
255
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:53,255
I'm going to be the first Platter woman
to walk down the aisle a virgin.
256
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:56,226
You watch it, young lady!
Your aunt and I never--
257
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:59,230
No. Before she met you.
With Wayne Trotter.
258
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,322
[Peggy gasps]
259
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:01,594
Peggy?
260
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:04,867
Well, it's true.
261
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,404
He's gay now,
if that makes you feel any better.
262
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:09,475
[Screams]
263
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:11,737
No. Of course it doesn't.
264
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:18,113
PEGGY: Well, I feel like
a huge weight has been lifted.
265
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,952
[Laughing sheepishly]
266
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,478
Don't you, Hank?
267
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,147
You're the one who was always saying
we should wait.
268
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,522
Well, it's easy to wait on dinner
when you've already had a little snack...
269
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:28,958
isn't it, Peggy?
270
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,057
I was wrong.
271
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,565
And I did not want to make
the same mistake twice.
272
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,259
Which mistake is that?
273
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:39,032
Sleeping with him, not sleeping with me,
or lying about it for 20 years?
274
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:41,698
I wanna be mad at you
for the right reasons.
275
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:45,243
Well, you never told me about
all your wild escapades...
276
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:47,574
when you worked at Jeans West.
277
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,707
I told you about the time
I put on the gigantic pair of khakis...
278
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,582
and pretended I was tiny.
279
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,415
I was very up front about it.
280
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:57,512
Hank, I cannot change the past.
281
00:15:57,657 --> 00:16:00,991
I can only try to convince you
that you are overreacting to it.
282
00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:04,961
Right now we have to stop Luanne
before she ruins her life.
283
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:06,657
I'm going to Luanne's.
284
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:10,669
I think it's best if you stay here
and think about what you did...
285
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,568
and what I didn't get to do.
286
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:14,640
Oh!
287
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:19,908
[Luanne humming
traditional wedding song]
288
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:23,408
Yes! That is the dress.
289
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,712
Sweet merciful Jesus, that is the dress.
290
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:29,482
The guy at the rental place said that
most of the girls who've worn this dress...
291
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:30,954
are still married.
292
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:42,067
I was going to ask Aunt Peggy
to sing the / Believe I Can Fly song...
293
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,260
at the wedding.
294
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:45,963
But now I'm not so sure.
295
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:49,265
Tell you what. If you want,
I can take her off the guest list.
296
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,343
Bill's been pushing for an invite.
297
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:55,074
Luanne, as your guardian,
I cannot let you do this.
298
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:57,109
Save your breath, Aunt Peggy.
299
00:16:57,216 --> 00:17:01,551
Nothing you could say can stop me
from becoming Mrs. Rhett Platter.
300
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,048
Yes, I am keeping my last name.
301
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:07,023
See, I was afraid
I wouldn't like your last name.
302
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:10,061
-It's Vandergraff.
-Oh, I love it!
303
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:13,464
I'm going to be Mrs. Rhett Vandergraff.
304
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:16,968
I'm going to be Mrs. Rhett Vandergraff.
305
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:19,100
The Vandergraffs.
306
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:22,175
Hank, she did not know his last name.
307
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:26,075
Well, at least he told her his last name
before they got married.
308
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:29,210
He didn't spring it on her 20 years later.
309
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:31,212
Hank, will you stop this?
310
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:35,686
What is it you want from me?
An apology? Fine. |I am sorry.
311
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:39,483
Very, very sorry.
I have made a horrible mistake...
312
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,490
and I have paid the price.
313
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,587
How much longer
are you gonna punish me?
314
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:49,461
If you'll excuse me,
I've got to go tell Boomhauer...
315
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,334
we'll need his limo
for the wedding this weekend.
316
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,732
[Gasps]
317
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,198
[Telephone ringing]
318
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,607
Strickland Propane. Taste the meat...
319
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:34,203
I mean, hello.
320
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:37,943
Hank, I just saw the virgin Luanne
climbing out her window.
321
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,779
Her bedroom window.
322
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:41,044
Oh, God.
323
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:47,620
Hey!
324
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,227
Cut it out. Knock it off.
325
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:51,558
RHETT: Hey, what the--
HANK: Right now.
326
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,530
What do you think you're doing?
327
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,828
What are you doing?
328
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,028
We didn't do anything.
329
00:18:57,136 --> 00:19:01,232
I'm so sorry, Mr. Hill. I've waited 22 years.
I couldn't wait another week.
330
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,138
You're 22?
331
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:06,269
All right. That's it.
The wedding is tomorrow.
332
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,778
Oh, yes!
333
00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:11,244
Listen to me, Luanne.
334
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:15,184
Getting married just so you can
sleep together is a big mistake.
335
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:17,949
If I had married the first person
I slept with...
336
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,889
I would have married Wayne Trotter.
337
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,086
I never would have gone
sock-skating with Hank...
338
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:24,856
on the linoleum
of our first studio apartment.
339
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:28,990
I would have missed the way he tosses
and turns the night before Flag Day.
340
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:33,997
The pride I felt the first time he used
one of my shirts as a rag.
341
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:38,376
If I had done what
you're thinking of doing, Luanne...
342
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:42,146
I never would have met the love of my life.
343
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:45,775
Come home, Hank.
344
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:49,087
Peggy. you coming to the wedding or not?
345
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:53,056
The only reason I ask is, I need to know
how many burgers to defrost.
346
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:54,818
Come on.
347
00:20:15,581 --> 00:20:19,040
Where is everyone?
I've reserved two picnic tables.
348
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:22,820
-And where's Rhett?
-I canceled the wedding.
349
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:25,087
-But--
-Aunt Peggy was right.
350
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:28,024
We were just getting married
so we could fornicate...
351
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,755
without you and God getting mad at us.
352
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:34,657
But you and Aunt Peggy are the ones
who should be fornicating.
353
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,600
What if Reverend Stroup heard you
talking like that?
354
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:39,865
Well, Reverend Stroup thinks so, too.
355
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:43,101
STROUP: Chop, chop, Hank. Let's go.
I'm getting cold in here.
356
00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:48,080
[Gasping]
357
00:20:50,516 --> 00:20:53,042
Hank, I'm a virgin!
358
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,043
Peggy, come on.
359
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:58,522
This reborn virgin stuff
is a bunch of nonsense.
360
00:20:58,624 --> 00:20:59,648
Sorry, Reverend...
361
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:03,354
but a few churchy words and
a dunk in the lake doesn't change...
362
00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:13,931
Peggy. I can see your whatnots.
363
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:24,541
Let's start over again, Hank.
This time, no secrets.
364
00:21:30,256 --> 00:21:34,955
As soon as we get you into my truck
and over there behind those trees...
365
00:21:35,327 --> 00:21:39,355
I want you out of this robe
so you don't catch a cold.
366
00:21:45,571 --> 00:21:48,506
I think someone's going
to lose her virginity.
367
00:21:49,175 --> 00:21:51,166
Not me. No, no.
368
00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:53,267
[Whispering] Aunt Peggy.
369
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,206
HANK: The Vandergraffs.
370
00:22:27,256 --> 00:22:31,806
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