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1
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,468
BILL: A Texas Native license plate.
2
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,671
It's got that new license plate smell.
3
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:43,105
Boy! A set of those
sure would look sharp on my truck.
4
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,341
Heck, they'd look sharp anywhere.
5
00:00:45,445 --> 00:00:46,435
I tell you what, man...
6
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:50,211
talking about them, they add 20%
on the blue-book value, man.
7
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:53,252
That is a capital idea with a capital "I."
8
00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,219
Then all three of us will have them.
9
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:58,553
No offense, Bill,
you being from Loseranna.
10
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,928
And my plates usually
are so covered with mud anyway.
11
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,396
I really want one!
12
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:08,696
It's okay, Bill, you can ride with me
after I put my new plates on.
13
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,794
-I don't care where you're from.
-Thank you, Hank.
14
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,068
Just duck down
whenever I pass another real Texan.
15
00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:23,744
HANK: Any sign of my birth certificate yet?
PEGGY: To be perfectly honest, no.
16
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,985
I'd better call my mom.
17
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:29,545
I'm pretty sure the license people
are gonna need to see a birth certificate.
18
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,954
Otherwise, you'd have
a bunch of Oklahomans...
19
00:01:32,059 --> 00:01:34,460
trying to get Texas Native plates.
20
00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:36,425
TILLIE: Helle?
HANK: Mom?
21
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,259
Look, this isn't a social call.
22
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,494
I'm just phoning to get a copy
of my birth certificate.
23
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,036
Your birth certificate?
24
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,434
Well, what makes you think
I'd have something like that?
25
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,701
Because I wouldn't. And I don't.
26
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:53,002
-That was weird.
-Well, I found my birth certificate.
27
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,882
Seven pounds, six ounces. Perfect.
28
00:01:58,785 --> 00:01:59,980
Hey, Dad.
29
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:03,751
I got you a little housewarming present.
A basket of fruit.
30
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:07,027
Peggy made it up for you.
It's mostly oranges.
31
00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,628
Is that a kiwi in there?
32
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:13,257
-You know how I feel about hairy fruits.
-Yeah.
33
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:14,523
So...
34
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,127
Hey, when you were packing up the house
in Houston...
35
00:02:17,237 --> 00:02:20,263
did you happen to come across
my birth certificate?
36
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,500
[G.H. crying]
37
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:25,040
You think I got enough room
in this cracker box for your baby crap?
38
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,546
Well, maybe you could have
kept my birth certificate...
39
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,514
and tossed out some of those videos.
40
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:32,745
Those videos are of G.H.
They mean something to me.
41
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:33,843
[G.H. coughing]
42
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,719
Didi, get the camera. He's doing it again.
43
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,125
If I didn't know those two
hadn't spoken in four years...
44
00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:45,722
I'd swear they were
in some kind of conspiracy.
45
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,767
Well, either this is your dream
and I am in it...
46
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:51,998
or this is your life and your parents
are acting weird...
47
00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:54,005
because you're adopted.
48
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,302
Adopted?
49
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:59,744
-No, my dad hates adopted children.
-Exactly.
50
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,974
Which is why Cotton
treats your brother G.H...
51
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:05,017
who we know for sure is not adopted
much better than you...
52
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:08,383
whose parentage is,
let's face it, a question mark.
53
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:13,052
My mom wouldn't just hang up on me
for no reason.
54
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,158
God, maybe I really am adopted!
55
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:20,833
Well, there would be clues.
Think back to when you were a child.
56
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:25,305
Now, Hank,
did your parents ever tell you...
57
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,032
you were adopted?
58
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,840
-Hank?
-Hank.
59
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:32,738
How do I even know that's my name?
60
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,141
My real parents
might have called me Henry...
61
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,580
or Chris.
62
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:40,652
God, Peggy. What if I'm a Chris?
63
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:48,094
Well, if I was adopted
that means my real dad could be anybody.
64
00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:51,926
Hey, maybe even Tom Landry.
65
00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:56,098
I do have his strong chin
and love for the flex defense.
66
00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:59,601
I wonder if I would have called him
Dad or Coach?
67
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:05,172
Who am I kidding? It would have been sir.
68
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:09,205
Before we sue the Landry estate
for child support...
69
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,408
I'm gonna need your social.
70
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,313
[Dale whistling]
71
00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:18,414
135-016-629.
72
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,325
Now we download, enter.
73
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,692
9%, 57%, 100%.
74
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,966
Hank, are you standing on the cable?
75
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:33,301
It says here your birth parents
were Tillie and Cotton Hill.
76
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,608
Well, I guess that's a relief.
77
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:39,502
At least I can keep loving my mom.
Let me take a look.
78
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:44,043
"Place of birth: New York, New York?"
79
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:46,877
[Hank screaming]
80
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,659
How come you never told me
I was born in New York?
81
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,353
What? New York?
82
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:59,388
You wasn't. You was adopted.
83
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:03,427
Yeah. Worst $50 I ever spent.
84
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:06,336
Could've got me a matching pair
of Chinese babies for $10.
85
00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:10,603
I was born in New York City, of your seed.
86
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,237
Hank!
87
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,579
I always knew the day would come...
88
00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:18,617
when I'd have to tell you
the whole sad story.
89
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:21,653
Maybe it was my fault
for loving your mother so much...
90
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:24,315
back when she was still worth loving.
91
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,392
COTTON: Tillie had always wanted
to see New York City.
92
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,855
She heard about it at the beauty parlor.
93
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,261
Well, you weren't due
for another few weeks...
94
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:37,337
so I bought Tillie
a fancy new maternity dress...
95
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,997
and took her to the Rainbow Room.
96
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:43,076
A place as romantic as it was expensive.
97
00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:48,972
How your mama loved to dance!
98
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:54,680
Maybe I dipped her too hard
or maybe Old Blue Eyes greased the rail.
99
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,778
[Water running]
100
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:59,792
Next thing I know we're trying to keep you
from making your debut on Broadway.
101
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,758
Three days later
we took a premature bundle of you...
102
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,232
back to Texas.
103
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:12,329
I never told you because I didn't think
you were man enough to handle it.
104
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:15,409
Not being born in Texas, you weren't!
105
00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:20,713
Well, thank you, I guess
for not leaving me there.
106
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,215
Don't thank me. Thank your mother.
107
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:26,217
No. I mean, don't mention anything to her.
108
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:30,148
She's never forgiven herself
for birthing you outside Texas.
109
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,817
It'd kill her if she knew you found out.
110
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,225
Well, maybe it should.
111
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,389
I don't mean that.
112
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,307
Topsy. remember that thing we said
we were gonna do but never did?
113
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:52,675
No, we did that.
We did the hell out of that.
114
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,473
I mean that other thing.
115
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:58,813
I think it's time
we finally completed our mission.
116
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:03,784
Peggy. being born in New York
makes me no better than Tony Randall.
117
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,417
Now, Hank, if being born here
is so important...
118
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:09,086
why did you marry me?
119
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:13,097
I didn't marry you right away.
Believe me, I had to pray onit.
120
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:17,160
Maybe you should have opened your eyes
and then your Bible, Hank.
121
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,796
"Red and yellow, black and white...
122
00:07:19,906 --> 00:07:22,375
"we are all precious in His sight.�
123
00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:24,476
Nothing in there about New York.
124
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:26,602
Well, Sodom is in there, Hank,
and Gomorrah.
125
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:29,307
And they are New York as all get out.
126
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,115
-Yep.
-Yep.
127
00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:33,819
Yep.
128
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,015
Or should I say yadda-yadda-yadda?
129
00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:40,124
-Hank, should I?
-Shut up, Dale.
130
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:43,161
Boy, you New Yorkers really are rude!
131
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:51,531
Dad, is what Joseph's been telling
everyone at school true?
132
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,839
About where you're from?
133
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,934
I'm sorry, Bobby.
134
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:59,902
-I'm from New York.
-Get out!
135
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,272
I always knew
I had a little New York in me.
136
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:05,545
Now I know where it came from.
137
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:08,212
Did you meet Woody Allen
and hang out in the Village?
138
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,983
I left when I was three days old, okay?
139
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:14,555
-Ever think about moving back?
-No!
140
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,701
Erwin, get in here and give me a hand.
141
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:28,433
I ain't getting in no damn hole
until I'm dead.
142
00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:29,872
Never mind.
143
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,548
Kill, Topsy. kill!
144
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,311
COTTON: Look at him go.
145
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,788
Damn it, Dale!
146
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:05,802
RADIO JOCKEY: This is for the $20
gift certificate to the Arroyo Diner.
147
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:08,438
Now, what is the name
of the 50-foot-tall cowboy...
148
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,415
that greets visitors
to the Texas State Fair?
149
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,282
That's easy. It's...
150
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,650
Wait a second.
151
00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:17,621
I know this. Dang it!
152
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:20,655
CALLER: ls it Big Tex?
RADIO JOCKEY: That's right.
153
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:22,522
Big Tex.
154
00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:24,529
[Car horn blaring]
155
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,129
Go back to New York!
156
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:33,996
[Hank sighing]
157
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:37,133
I can't even drive
like a Texan anymore, Peggy.
158
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,774
I think my truck
might be too much vehicle for me.
159
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,409
Dad, come on, you'll be okay.
160
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:46,950
You just need
what Mom likes to call closure.
161
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,613
I think we should all go to New York.
162
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:53,053
The only closure I need
is of your mouth, mister.
163
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,122
TILLIE: Hello.
164
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:01,997
Mom, Dad told me everything.
I know that I was born in New York.
165
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,094
Hank, I'm so, so sorry.
166
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,334
I wanted to say something,
but I didn't want to hurt you.
167
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,500
Don't pretend
you were looking out for me.
168
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,237
You were looking out for you.
169
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:16,407
You and your romantic getaway
to the Big Rotten Apple.
170
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,678
Wait! Cotton's trying to pin this on me?
171
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,845
It was his idea to go to New York.
172
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:25,653
What? Well, then one of you
is not telling the truth.
173
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,762
Hell, I know it's him.
174
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:32,730
Your father dragged me
pregnant to New York.
175
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:36,130
Then he dragged me to a baseball game
at Yankee Stadium.
176
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:39,831
TILLIE: /t was unseasonably warm that day,
and all I wanted was...
177
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,703
A glass of water?
178
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,470
Suck on a pebble
and keep looking storked out.
179
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,773
You're our ticket through the police line.
180
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:55,612
COTTON: Well, Fidel, you should have
stayed in Washington...
181
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,747
on your unofficial visit.
182
00:10:57,857 --> 00:11:01,350
Now they're gonna have to carry you
out on a seventh-inning stretcher.
183
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,757
[Tillie groaning]
184
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,596
Woman with fetus coming through!
185
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:21,208
Have a cigar,
you weak-chinned Cuban son of a bitch!
186
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,915
[Tillie screaming in pain]
187
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:28,115
Get down!
188
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,920
The baby's coming!
189
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:33,084
No, not now, woman. Hold it in.
190
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:37,389
-Go!
-You're running for two, woman.
191
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:38,893
Let's go!
192
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:45,796
[Baby Hank crying]
193
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:50,567
I was born in the ladies' room
at Yankee Stadium?
194
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:56,638
And at midnight...
195
00:11:56,749 --> 00:12:00,310
we rendezvous in San Antonio
with one Jorge Lopez.
196
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:03,520
As you know,
he's half Mexican, half Cuban.
197
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:08,189
For this job,
we'll be using the half that's Cuban.
198
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:12,629
How are we gonna get to San Antonio?
We can't all fit in your Cadillac car.
199
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,732
I guess I could take a few people
in my Cadillac car...
200
00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:17,234
but I don't wanna.
201
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,806
You idiot. We can't use our own cars.
202
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:23,103
Remember how the cops tracked
you down when you hit that fire hydrant?
203
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:26,008
We're hitting
more than a fire hydrant this time!
204
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:29,309
I know the truth, Dad.
Mom told me everything.
205
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:33,943
The ladies' room, Yankee Stadium,
Mr. Fidel Castro.
206
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,653
So, the pig squealed?
207
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:41,085
Well, I guess I can't blame her.
That's what pigs do.
208
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:45,528
It's your fault I was born in New York
and I can't drive my truck...
209
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,294
and I tried a bagel and I actually liked it.
210
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:49,835
His truck.
211
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:54,070
No, no more lies. I loved that bagel.
212
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,671
Go to hell!
213
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,172
But I am in hell.
214
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,247
I spent these last 40 years...
215
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:04,510
tearing myself up for letting my first son...
216
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,585
be born outside Texas.
217
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:11,046
-Are you apologizing?
- I think you deserve one.
218
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,658
If I could just shove you back
in your mother...
219
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:17,628
and do it all over again in Texas, I would.
220
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:21,891
Dad!
221
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:24,902
Tell you what, Hank,
let me make it up to you.
222
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:29,601
We'll go out tonight, raise some hell.
We'll make you one of us, a real Texan.
223
00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:33,602
And we can all goes in your truck.
224
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:38,782
Come on, Hank.
All I'm asking for is a second chance.
225
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,787
Well, a real Texas man's night out.
226
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:51,162
-That's just what I needed, I tell you what.
-Sure. Just give me the keys.
227
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,039
You know, this is the first time
we've gone shooting together...
228
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,200
that you haven't humiliated me.
229
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:05,835
I'm having a ball.
230
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:08,573
That's nice. Now, give me the gun.
231
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:20,489
We still gots to gets...
232
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,687
to San Antonio by midnight
and pick up Lopez.
233
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:25,662
-Now, who's Lopez?
-Yeah, well...
234
00:14:26,632 --> 00:14:31,035
How's this? Lopez's is
the best barbecue take-out in the state.
235
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,472
Yeah, and this here, too.
236
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:38,877
Boy, that's a lot of knives and flares
and stuff for...
237
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,681
what, exactly?
238
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,207
That's right.
239
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:47,048
You go into Lopez's dressed
like a commando, you get half off.
240
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,984
Barbecue at midnight?
241
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,879
[Chuckling]
242
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,816
Good luck finding that in Manhattan.
243
00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:01,330
There's another Texas plate.
Hank, take a drink.
244
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:06,503
I'd just like to tell Buck Strickland
to kiss off.
245
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,264
The Alamo!
246
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:13,807
Oh, my goodness!
The cradle of Texas liberty.
247
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:18,111
Hank, every Texan ought to have
his picture taken in front of the Alamo.
248
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:25,350
Would you be in it with me, Dad?
249
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:29,895
No, but I'll let you hold today's newspaper
and Topsy's gun.
250
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,660
Make you look like a real Texan.
251
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,291
Now what does a newspaper have to--
252
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,741
It took you long enough, Slowpez.
253
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:50,572
-That's Lopez?
-He knows too much.
254
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:51,941
Huh?
255
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:55,713
Hank, close your eyes
and put out your hands.
256
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,154
Time for a real Texas surprise.
257
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:00,188
Topsy. get the rope.
258
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:04,130
Okay, now I do know too much.
259
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,998
You got me a genuine Texas lasso...
260
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:09,659
like I wanted for my ninth birthday, right?
261
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:13,569
I tell you, Dad, just when I think
I've got you figured out...
262
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:16,472
Hey, this isn't a lasso, it's clothesline.
263
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:20,306
For a New Yorker
you ain't got much street smarts.
264
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:25,343
I'm not a New Yorker.
I became a Texan when I ate the worm.
265
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,779
You didn't chew it. And you ain't a Texan.
266
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:31,482
-You're a patsy from New York.
-Patsy?
267
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:35,957
But the point of this whole trip
was to leave me drunk and Texan.
268
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:40,759
The point of tonight is to kill Castro,
and bring back his chin pelt.
269
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:43,063
What about making me a Texan? Wait.
270
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,197
All this was about trying to frame me?
271
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:50,442
You won't fry for it.
We're just covering our own tracks.
272
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:53,841
Who'd believe
you'd be man enough to kill Castro?
273
00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:56,344
Dad, you can't kill Castro.
274
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:59,578
For God's sake, you're not even supposed
to drive at night.
275
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:02,154
Now, untie me. The game is over.
276
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:06,283
Lopez, take his clothes.
Stinky, throw him over the fence.
277
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,426
41 years old and I didn't see it coming.
278
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,867
[Man whooping]
279
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,631
MAN: Nice socks!
280
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,140
I've got to hide my nudity.
281
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,323
Hello? Anyone here?
282
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:49,931
What the...
283
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:55,900
"These 32 flags...
284
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,978
"honor the birthplaces
of the Alamo defenders.
285
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:03,706
"Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, New York.�
286
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,813
New York?
287
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:16,152
"They were born across America
but they died Texas heroes."�
288
00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:17,659
[Rustling]
289
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:19,090
Hello?
290
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:28,763
Jim Bowie and his knife. Easy now.
291
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,377
Sorry about this, Mr. Crockett.
292
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:39,551
Why am I wearing the hat?
293
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,655
Thanks for the lift.
I don't normally hitchhike.
294
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:47,783
Hey!
295
00:18:49,395 --> 00:18:52,330
-Keep moving.
-Yeah. Hold on.
296
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:59,563
-It's starting to drizzle.
-Suck it up, Stinky.
297
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:02,300
It rained for 17 days straight
at Guadalcanal.
298
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:05,036
-Didn't hear you complain then.
-I complained a lot.
299
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,202
HANK: Stop!
300
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,974
It's Little Miss New York.
301
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:11,575
That's enough, Dad.
302
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:14,483
I may be your son, I can't change that...
303
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,079
but I'm not about to be your patsy.
304
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:21,016
Well, I suppose you're... Sucker punch.
305
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:25,930
You don't have what it takes to stop me.
Do it, Topsy.
306
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,158
Old-guy breath.
307
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,838
All right. Prepare to cast off.
308
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:39,275
First we got to figure out
the direction of the wind.
309
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:44,975
Who's got saliva?
310
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:48,120
You know, Colonel,
your boy should have come up by now.
311
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,621
Even Topsy can't hold his breath that long.
312
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:54,626
What? All right.
Stinky, you'd better get him.
313
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:03,731
No, don't shoot him!
Jump in and save him!
314
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,697
All right, Dad, it's over.
315
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:13,435
I've got your spark plugs,
so you're not going anywhere.
316
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,648
We don't need spark plugs.
We'll row to Cuba.
317
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,748
Well, that's how they get here.
318
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:26,854
I have a doctor's appointment.
I got adult-onset diabetes.
319
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:30,220
If I don't watch my weight,
they're gonna cut off my foot.
320
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,024
Christ, I'm hungry.
321
00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:35,666
And it's puzzle day at the rec center.
322
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:38,260
I'm gonna finish
that son of a bitch lighthouse.
323
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:41,806
Fine, you sissy girls, I'll do the job myself.
324
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:45,639
Hell, I'll swim to Cuba
with this wrench between my teeth.
325
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:49,306
Then I'll pose
as a beautiful female plumber.
326
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:53,045
And then when a toilet clogs
in the presidential palace...
327
00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:54,814
I II----...
328
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:59,215
[Cotton groaning]
329
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,326
I just wanted to kill Castro.
330
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:05,925
I know, Dad. I know.
331
00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:12,971
Hank, thanks again for calling.
We were starting to get worried.
332
00:21:13,305 --> 00:21:16,741
-Take your hands off me, you gutter slut.
-Daddy.
333
00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:20,936
Hank, informed sources tell me
that you were dead in the water...
334
00:21:21,046 --> 00:21:22,980
and then you came back to life.
335
00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:27,918
So you were reborn in Texas
which means you are now a native Texan.
336
00:21:29,054 --> 00:21:32,922
No, I'm not a native Texan,
I'm just a Texan.
337
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,458
And I am a Texan, too.
338
00:21:35,928 --> 00:21:39,364
I don't remember seeing
any Montana flag at the Alamo.
339
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,092
Well, it wasn't a state yet.
340
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:45,568
Fine. Everybody's a Texan.
Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.
341
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,705
COTTON: Well, I suppose... Sucker punch.
342
00:22:25,755 --> 00:22:30,305
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