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1
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,800
[Balloon whistling]
2
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:09,502
[Balloon sputtering]
3
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:16,081
Hey, my dad's invitation to the party
got returned.
4
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:19,942
"Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, USA?"
5
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:24,316
Bobby, why did you write this?
You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
6
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,120
Mom says he's the devil.
7
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:28,628
Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
8
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,288
I said "evil,� Hank.
9
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,560
How you get "devil"
from that is beyond me.
10
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,533
I don't want Grandpa at my party.
11
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:38,333
The kids are already gonna hate me
because you got the wrong bean dip.
12
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:40,066
What's wrong with the bean dip?
13
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,336
Wait. What's wrong with your grandpa?
14
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:45,902
He's got big plastic teeth,
he screams all the time...
15
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,571
his legs don't work.
16
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:50,618
Bobby, never make fun
of your grandpa's legs.
17
00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:55,452
He lost his shins defending Texas
in World War Il.
18
00:00:55,856 --> 00:01:00,453
Now, son, pick up that phone and invite
your granddad to your birthday party.
19
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,020
Okay.
20
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,627
BOBBY: Hi, Grandpa.
21
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,559
Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial...
22
00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:11,934
you gotta hit more than three numbers.
23
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:18,006
[Theme music]
24
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,393
[Bill hollering]
25
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,999
This thing is a hoot.
26
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,136
I got a splinter here.
27
00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:57,047
"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"
28
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,185
Huh? Huh?
29
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,550
This party's boring.
30
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,753
Everybody hates you.
31
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:06,323
Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?
32
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:09,590
Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.
He's driving in for the party.
33
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,563
Oh, Lord, that crazy Cotton Hill.
34
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,896
I heard, after Hank's mother left Cotton...
35
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,867
he married his 16-year-old nurse.
36
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:18,405
Dee Dee is 39, thank you very much.
37
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,566
Although parts of her are much younger.
38
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,234
Peggy Hill!
39
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,743
[Growling]
40
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,769
BOBBY: Dad, I'm dying out there.
41
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,044
I blew up a balloon with my nose. Nothing.
42
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,877
I did this thing.
43
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:35,879
[Yiddish accent]
What are you talking about?
44
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,286
Nothing.
45
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:39,758
Did you try burping the alphabet?
46
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,759
BOBBY: That's my closer, Dad.
47
00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:45,530
Man, "What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?�
48
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,795
Fat kids are always the funny ones.
49
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:51,827
Dang old John Candy, John Belushi,
night before they dug their graves.
50
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,875
-Who wants a burger?
-Why, I'll take that steak.
51
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:58,138
The hell you say?
Did you win World War II?
52
00:02:58,211 --> 00:03:01,374
-This rib eye is for my daddy.
-Cotton's coming?
53
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:06,145
If I was you, Kahn,
I'd amscray before he gets here.
54
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:09,621
Yeah, if he finds out you're from Japan,
you know--
55
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,988
How many times I tell you, stupid?
56
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:14,460
I'm Laotian!
57
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,329
[Burping] U.
58
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,365
[Burping] V.
59
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,028
[Horn honking]
60
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,528
[Cotton hollering]
61
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:27,539
Happy birthday, Bobby!
62
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:29,769
Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
63
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,971
You really outdid yourself this time.
64
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,742
Well, you know me. I'm larger than life.
65
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,683
Where are its legs?
66
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,381
What are you looking at, Moe?
67
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:46,017
A Japanese machine gun
blew my shins off in WW II.
68
00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:47,689
So what?
69
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:50,662
-You like that horse, Bobby?
-I love it, Grandpa.
70
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:54,167
Well, you can love it for four more hours.
It's a rental.
71
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,168
All right. Who wants the first ride?
72
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,704
BILL: Me!
73
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:01,402
Hey, Hank's wife.
74
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:04,376
How long have you been here, Cotton?
I didn't notice you--
75
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:07,072
Dee Dee, come on out here,
and gab with Hank's wife.
76
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,677
Look here, Hank.
77
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,548
What you think of your mama's
new ta-tas?
78
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:15,819
She is not my mother.
Hell, we went to kindergarten together.
79
00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,152
Hey, Hank...
80
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:18,619
do you still like...
81
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,156
finger-painting?
82
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,325
Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.
83
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,122
I'm having fun!
84
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,766
Your wife divorced you.
85
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,769
COTTON: Mr. Kahn, I'll have a mai tai.
86
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,904
What you think? I work for Hank?
87
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:42,545
Dad, this here's my new neighbor.
88
00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:44,274
He's Japanese.
89
00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:45,819
No, he ain't!
90
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,616
He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
91
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:56,191
All right. Time to open my gift.
92
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,593
A Super Squirter!
93
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,725
Super Squirter!
94
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,101
It ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn!
95
00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:08,569
It's a genuine Winchester
20-gauge shotgun!
96
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,666
You got a real gun.
97
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,008
No, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
98
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:15,377
Bobby, you are too young
to own a firearm.
99
00:05:15,448 --> 00:05:19,248
Did you see that, Hank?
Tell your woman to give him back his gun!
100
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,616
PEGGY: His woman?
101
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:24,214
Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman.
And don't you forget it.
102
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:27,556
Peg, that's just cowboy talk. Come on.
103
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:30,096
Hey, let's go bust open that pifata!
104
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,528
COTTON: Kill it, boy.
105
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,191
Bash it! Bash it!
106
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,098
COTTON: That's it!
PEGGY: Come on, Bobby.
107
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:39,332
Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
Lower the pinata so he has a chance at it.
108
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,771
Come on.
109
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:45,077
COTTON: Oh! Crack it! Nail it!
110
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,110
COTTON: Bash it! Bash it!
111
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,322
COTTON: Kill it, boy!
112
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,625
It must be made of kryptonite
or something.
113
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,923
For crying out loud!
114
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,259
Good Lord, Cotton.
You gave him a loaded shotgun?
115
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:08,267
You don't give a toy without batteries.
116
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:11,000
Come and get your Tootsie Rolls!
117
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:15,003
Oh, I am so sorry your grandpa
ruined your birthday, son.
118
00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:17,610
He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.
119
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:20,044
COTTON: Bobby, come on over here, boy!
120
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,749
Take off them pink gloves.
That's woman's work.
121
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,082
PEGGY: Leave him alone.
He's a good helper.
122
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,383
Oh, whatever you say, Hillary.
123
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:35,120
Cotton, I'll do the dishes. I like to.
124
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:36,754
Permission granted!
125
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,458
Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
126
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:42,691
Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
Both lefties!
127
00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:45,638
So, Bobby, what you gonna do
with your life?
128
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:47,639
I'm gonna be a prop comic.
129
00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:51,507
I'm working on this bit
where I stick a green bean up my nose.
130
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,410
Well, now that sounds promising.
131
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:57,883
Hank, Bobby and me have decided
he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
132
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,419
He's not gonna take over
the family gas station.
133
00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:03,047
Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
134
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,524
I sell propane and propane accessories.
135
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:06,991
Don't sass me, boy.
136
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,586
You ain't too big
for me to give you a licking.
137
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,692
Dad, you old skunk.
138
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,629
Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!
139
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:18,263
PEGGY: All right, Cotton.
You're breaking my good dishes.
140
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:19,931
It's time for you to leave!
141
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:20,996
ALL: Come on.
142
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,771
PEGGY: Come on!
I will fix you a to-go plate.
143
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,311
ALL: Bye.
PEGGY: Don't worry about the horse.
144
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:29,440
If it comes back, we'll call the rental place.
145
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,550
[Engine struggling]
146
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:35,286
Damn, won't start.
I guess I'm not going anywhere.
147
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:38,689
No. Just pop the hood.
Hank can fix it in a minute.
148
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:42,624
Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
149
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,255
You're gonna need a new one.
150
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:48,165
Thanks a lot, girlie.
But the truth is, you're a girl.
151
00:07:48,234 --> 00:07:51,670
We'll have to wait till your gas station
opens up in the morning.
152
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:52,830
I'm staying over.
153
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,341
I wish you could.
But we are all out of beds.
154
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,137
I don't need a bed.
155
00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:00,975
I can sleep in a drawer,
after what they did to me overseas.
156
00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:03,380
I can sleep on the couch, Mom.
157
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:06,750
-That'll be just fine. |-
-Excuse me for just a second.
158
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,618
I do not want that ill-mannered...
159
00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:11,521
foul-mouthed old man to spend
another moment in my house.
160
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:13,787
You just don't understand him.
161
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:17,524
See, he's a big, flamboyant character,
like a peacock.
162
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:19,256
That's why men love him.
163
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:23,496
But women don't like his style,
because you all are like the peahen.
164
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:25,762
More subdued and drab.
165
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,969
You just cannot see your father
for who he is.
166
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,712
Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
167
00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:34,338
That means you're outvoted.
168
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:37,994
Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
That means we're even.
169
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:38,041
Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
That means we're even.
170
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,586
Well, Jesus loves him. So I win.
171
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:42,519
What does that have to do with...
172
00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:44,614
Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
173
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,022
Well, all righty!
174
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,618
Dee Dee, we're bunking here tonight.
175
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:52,229
Mr. Kahn! My bags!
176
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,802
COTTON: What do you say
I drive you to school today, Bobby?
177
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,864
Hank, you fixed my car yet?
178
00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:03,272
I just woke up.
179
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,505
Just... It's 7:00 a.m.
180
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,807
If you were in the army,
you could've dug 10 graves by now!
181
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,680
PEGGY: I hope you're all hungry.
182
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,684
Good-looking breakfast, Peg.
183
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,722
Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.
184
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,523
I see steak.
185
00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:21,320
Sausage! Where's my sausage?
There's no sausage!
186
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,452
Well, Cotton!
187
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:25,794
You are welcome to march yourself
down to the Safeway.
188
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:28,266
But I have to get ready for work.
189
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:32,028
See, Bobby?
Woman works, man loses his sausage.
190
00:09:32,705 --> 00:09:34,901
Cotton, I'd love to debate this with you...
191
00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:37,443
but I am just a little too busy living here...
192
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,604
in the latter half of the 20th century.
193
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:43,172
Dad, if you want to drive Bobby to school,
use my truck.
194
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:45,875
I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
195
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,987
You're all skin and bones, girlie.
196
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,781
Put some cornpone on them hips.
197
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,687
I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.
198
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,855
-Don't want to get fat.
-That's not for you to worry about.
199
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,331
You will never know if you are attractive.
200
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,390
It's up to a man to tell you that.
201
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:04,494
You keep eating,
and I'll tell you when to stop.
202
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:07,666
Touch me again, and you'll be wearing
that corn pone, old man.
203
00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:08,797
[Hollering]
204
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,000
Feisty!
205
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:17,149
You're sure it's okay for me
to be out of school today, Grandpa?
206
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,413
Oh, yeah. It's a holiday, isn't it?
207
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,784
It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.
208
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:24,256
Now, why don't you order us some food?
209
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,986
Really? Dad never lets me order.
210
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,221
Well, you ain't with your daddy today.
211
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,558
Go to it.
212
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:32,688
[Clears throat]
213
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,631
Excuse me, ma'am?
214
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:36,425
Ma'am?
215
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,130
Oh, good, sweet...
216
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,399
You'll never get no service that way.
217
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,999
You gotta get her in the moneymaker.
218
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:45,210
Hey, Missy!
219
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,303
How about some samiches?
220
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,277
[Laughing]
221
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,946
HANK: That's the dangdest thing.
222
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:57,388
I never heard of a solenoid
just disappearing before.
223
00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:58,682
I don't know.
224
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:02,194
Sometimes, things just disappear
for no logical reason.
225
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:05,897
One day, my cousin woke up,
his kidney was gone.
226
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:10,136
At the same time, 500 miles away...
227
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:13,405
a woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.
228
00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:16,007
I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
229
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:20,075
[Engine starts]
230
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,581
She purrs just like a dang old kitten.
231
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:25,710
My dad sure knows how to take care
of his cars.
232
00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:30,487
When I was a baby, he had my mama
make me a chamois jumpsuit...
233
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:34,960
and I used to crawl around on the hood
and buff it till it shined like Christmas.
234
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,087
Your dad, I swear!
235
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:40,922
How about when he took us down
to the Hotel Arlen?
236
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,859
Remember that, Hank?
237
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:45,830
[Piano playing]
238
00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:50,268
Hank, you won the big game.
239
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:54,377
So I'm buying you
and your friends hookers.
240
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,012
Now go on, boy.
Pick yourself out a live one.
241
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:59,108
Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
242
00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:00,175
[Shuddering]
243
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:01,810
[Mild chuckle]
244
00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:05,218
Not every dad would do
something like that to his son.
245
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,020
I mean, for his son.
246
00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:12,327
PEGGY: How's it coming with the car,
grease monkey?
247
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,162
That's real funny, Peg.
248
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,702
Look what I found.
249
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:18,760
Wait! That's a solenoid.
Where'd you find that?
250
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:23,435
In Cotton's room, wrapped in his little
bitty pants under a big pile of lies.
251
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:26,837
Damn it!
I killed a whole day fixing that car.
252
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,746
- I don't understand.
-What is to understand?
253
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:32,342
Your father disfigured
his own automobile...
254
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,978
just so he could stay here
and drive me crazy.
255
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:38,516
Peggy, the poor guy just wants
to spend time with us.
256
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,921
And you've made it so hard for him,
he's afraid to ask.
257
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:43,756
You're right. It's my fault.
258
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:47,061
Why didn't I serve that poor man
his sausage?
259
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:50,068
What's the point in arguing?
The car is fixed now.
260
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:51,968
He'll be out of here tonight.
261
00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:55,497
Aunt Peg, I found this timing belt
in the laundry.
262
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,600
You want me to wash it with the darks?
263
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,242
CHARLIE: Good morning, Angels.
264
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,179
Do I have an assignment for you.
265
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:03,879
ANGELS: Good morning, Charlie.
266
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:05,747
Damn!
267
00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:07,949
It's a Shelley Hack!
268
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,149
That's like getting a Shemp!
269
00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:12,520
What in the hell is going on here?
270
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,060
Where are your pants?
271
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,720
We were hot. Took them off.
272
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:19,527
A man doesn't have to wear pants
around the house if he doesn't want to.
273
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:21,795
What you got them
blue jeans on for, Hank?
274
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:23,336
Let's go. Take them off.
275
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,064
I don't want to take them off.
276
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,630
Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.
277
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,303
PEGGY: Okey-do key, Cotton,
Hank fixed your car.
278
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,845
I guess you'll be wanting to head back
right now.
279
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,073
HANK: Peggy.
280
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:38,811
Well, maybe we should think
about getting back, honey.
281
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:41,513
What did you say? What did you say?
282
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:47,055
Okay, now, what did you say, baby cakes?
283
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,494
We can leave! Hank fixed the car!
284
00:13:50,596 --> 00:13:52,394
Actually, Luanne fixed it.
285
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,863
[Laughing]
286
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,870
Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
287
00:13:57,937 --> 00:13:59,735
A woman fixing a car.
288
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:02,341
That's like a pig trying to read.
289
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:03,933
-Pig?
-Yeah.
290
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,042
Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
291
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,979
No, I don't think so.
292
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:12,880
We're gonna stick around
a few more days.
293
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:14,749
DEE DEE: Suppertime, Colonel.
294
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:17,384
You forgot my beer.
295
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,825
Go on. Get me my beer, woman.
296
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:24,195
Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
297
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:27,289
Bobby, you will not.
We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
298
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,960
Boy wants his dinner in here.
299
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,129
Well, we eat in the kitchen.
300
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,400
-Here!
-Kitchen!
301
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:36,374
Hank, for God's sake,
I need a little support here.
302
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,101
Well, Peggy...
303
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,842
it might be nice, for a change,
to have dinner...
304
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:44,508
in front of the TV.
305
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,281
Go on, woman, get me my dinner.
306
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:54,659
I don't know where you got the idea
you could slap your mother's behind.
307
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:58,090
I'll tell you where he got the idea.
Your father.
308
00:14:58,164 --> 00:15:00,758
And it's your fault
for not nipping it in the bud.
309
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,393
What do you want me to do?
I can't change my father.
310
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,938
He certainly won't
listen to me, now, will he?
311
00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:08,997
You're both men.
You're both peacocks. Remember?
312
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,806
What, are you turning into
some kind of feminist?
313
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,903
I am not a feminist, Hank.
314
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:18,042
I am Peggy Hill,
a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
315
00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:20,950
I work hard, I sweat hard, and I love hard.
316
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:23,682
I gotta smell good and look pretty
while I'm doing it.
317
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,488
So I comb my hair,
I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.
318
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:31,019
I do your dishes, I wash your clothes,
and I clean the house.
319
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,690
Not because I have to, Hank...
320
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,063
but because of a mutual,
unspoken agreement...
321
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:38,934
that I have never brought up,
because I am too much of a lady.
322
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:40,863
Thirty times a day?
323
00:15:42,208 --> 00:15:43,676
Yeah, I like it here.
324
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,088
What kind of work can a guy
get in this town?
325
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:46,135
What kind of work can a guy
get in this town?
326
00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:50,244
-Are you allergic to asbestos?
-Hell, no.
327
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:51,306
HANK: Hey, Dad.
328
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,785
Hey, it if ain't the old grease monkey.
329
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:57,118
All right, Dad, I need to talk to you
about some of the things...
330
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,680
you've been telling Bobby.
331
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:01,523
I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
For example...
332
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:04,894
I told him how I lost my shins
defending our country.
333
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,399
-You want to hear that story, fatty?
-Sir, yes, sir!
334
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,367
HANK: Bill, I'm trying to talk to my--
335
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:12,268
I was 14. Just a little older than Bobby.
336
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:16,536
But I knew Uncle Sam needed me.
So I lied and signed up.
337
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:17,838
[Patriotic instrumental music]
338
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:20,106
And we had beat them Nazis in Italy.
339
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:22,944
Then they shipped us
to the Pacific Theater.
340
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:26,508
A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship
to the bottom.
341
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:29,050
I could only save three of my buddies.
342
00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:32,091
Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn.
343
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:35,492
They were like you fellows,
only one of them was from Brooklyn.
344
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:39,896
Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero
and put 50 bullets in my back.
345
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,994
The blood attracted sharks.
346
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,263
I had to give them Fatty.
347
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,430
Then things took a turn for the worse.
348
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,442
I made it to an island.
349
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,501
But it was full of Tojos!
350
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:55,077
They were spitting on the US flag.
351
00:16:55,147 --> 00:16:57,946
So I rushed them. But it was a trap.
352
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,952
They opened fire and blew my shins off.
353
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:07,491
Last thing I remember, I beat them
all to death with a big piece of Fatty.
354
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,086
I woke up in a field hospital.
355
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:12,893
And they were sewing my feet
to my knees.
356
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:18,129
Now what was it you wanted to talk
to me about, Hank?
357
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:19,761
[Sighs]
358
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:21,229
Well...
359
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:23,568
nothing, I guess.
360
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:31,613
BOBBY: You've had enough cake, Kahny.
361
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,215
What are you doing?
362
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:36,381
A man's gotta tell a woman
when to stop eating.
363
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,820
You're looking kind of chunky.
364
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:42,427
She's moody. Must be PBS.
365
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:48,495
Let's go, I gotta see a man about a horse.
366
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,063
Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.
367
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:55,236
That's woman's work.
Ain't that right, fellas?
368
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:57,109
Women's work!
369
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,877
Women's work! Women's work!
370
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:02,813
BOYS: Women's work! Women's work!
371
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:04,847
[Children shouting]
372
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,856
Well, she's got a point.
373
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,721
But he's a war hero.
374
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:15,149
She's my wife.
375
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:17,260
But he's got no shins.
376
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,054
MAN: Uh...
377
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:21,657
I'm just trying to get a little propane here.
378
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:22,724
[Phone ringing]
379
00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:24,732
Strickland Propane.
380
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:28,172
Bobby was sent home from school
for starting a sexist riot today.
381
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,732
What? I'm coming home right now.
382
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,902
Well, you're just a little too late...
383
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:35,607
because the devil took Bobby
off to the Hotel Arlen.
384
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,115
Hotel Arlen?
385
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:47,553
Bobby, I'm proud of you
for what you did at school today.
386
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,189
So, I'm buying you a hooker.
387
00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:52,594
Go ahead, pick yourself out a live one.
388
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,326
A live one what?
389
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,065
Hey, cutie, you got papers?
390
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:03,668
Bobby, get over here now!
391
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,343
But Grandpa said I could--
392
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:08,346
Bobby, you heard your mother.
Get over there.
393
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:10,040
What are you saying, Hank?
394
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,244
Are you siding with your woman?
395
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:15,652
Look at me, son. Look at my shins!
396
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:19,785
Look, Dad, I'm sorry about Fatty
and your shins...
397
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,725
but I'm not a kid anymore.
398
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:23,387
Bobby is my boy.
399
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:27,192
And I won't let him grow up
to be a woman-hating old fool.
400
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,665
No wonder Mom left you.
She was a strong lady.
401
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,727
Classy and smart, like Peg.
402
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:35,467
Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.
403
00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:38,238
My marriage is a partnership of equals.
404
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,536
Peggy might do all the housework...
405
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,583
but there are a lot of other things
that I'm supposed to do.
406
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:47,381
But I'm not gonna say what they are,
because I'm a gentleman.
407
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:50,183
Oh, I get it. She's making you say this.
408
00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:51,981
You're just her puppet.
409
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,891
No, Dad, I'm saying all this
because I mean it.
410
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,190
Dee Dee's out in the car. I had her pack up.
411
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:59,561
It's time for you to head home.
412
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:00,989
Well.
413
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:06,598
I never thought I'd see the day
when my own son would stop loving me.
414
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,639
It's about time!
415
00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:17,840
Love's for sissies!
416
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,750
Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?
417
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,811
WOMAN: Would you listen to that man?
418
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,858
All right, hookers, listen up.
I'll be back next year...
419
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,417
so don't be jacking up your prices.
420
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:31,858
I'll be staying over at Hank Hill's home.
421
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,667
Bobby, you gotta try and forget
all that gobbledygook...
422
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,261
your grandpa told you.
423
00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:40,499
You listen to your mother.
She knows best.
424
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,599
But she's a woman.
How could she know better than Grandpa?
425
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:46,976
Well, because she's a lot smarter
than him, for one.
426
00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:51,341
Your mother's probably got a better head
on her shoulders than anybody in Arlen.
427
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,511
Better than Bill? Or Dale?
428
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:54,845
Or Boomhauer?
429
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,652
Jeez, Bobby, why not compare her
to a baboon in the zoo?
430
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:00,886
But I thought they were your best friends.
431
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,088
Peggy's my best friend, son.
432
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,891
-Mom?
-That's right.
433
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:08,229
And when you're older,
I hope you're lucky enough to find a girl...
434
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,893
to be best friends with, too.
435
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:12,129
You think that'll really happen to me?
436
00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:16,004
It won't if you keep slapping them
in the butt and ordering them around.
437
00:21:16,075 --> 00:21:19,204
You'll do okay.
You just have to remember one thing.
438
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,646
Women were not put on this earth
to serve you and me.
439
00:21:23,349 --> 00:21:26,046
Now what do you say
we get an ice cream?
440
00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,244
[1950s instrumental music]
441
00:21:39,732 --> 00:21:41,666
[Theme music]
442
00:21:41,716 --> 00:21:46,266
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