All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E04.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

Good news, peter.

We finally saved enough money

To go on a couple's
vacation together.

We haven't traveled in years.

That's not true.
You made us drive to toronto

To confront that sex worker
I facetime with.

Yeah, that wasn't a vacation,
that was an ultimatum.

And after an insultingly
long pause, I chose you.

We're going on a trip, peter.

Aw, sweet.

Harold goldfarb: Jetpack lawyer is on.

Your honor,
may I approach the bench?

Is this so you can use
your jet pack?

Yes.

I'll allow it.

(l.A. Law theme playing)

(shouting): I'm appealing this
to a higher court.

I wish I had a jet pack.

My life would be better.

(electronic chirping)

Ooh, 360.

Oh, wait. 180.
Very good.

Now let's get your height.

All right.
So you're seven foot, six, 180,

With colorectal cancer.

I'm tall?

Excuse me, I'm here
to renew my passport.

Of course, let's go take
a terrible photo.

Oh, my god, that's why
she wore the nice shirt.

Oh, this is so sad.

(gasps) oh, no!
Seal and heidi klum broke up.

Uh, yeah, in 2012.

All those magazines
are super old.

(gasps) good lord.

Whitney houston died?
Since when?

Again, 2012.

This says she drowned
in the bathtub.

But-but I take baths.

I think there may have been
other stuff going on.

No! Baths kill, chris.

And I will not become
another statistic.

Next time I bathe,
I'm taking a shower.

And it's gonna be
the best baby shower ever.

I'll wear a tiara, go to brunch,

And my best friend
will start crying,

And that's when we realize
she's been trying for years.

And I'll say,
"it's not your fault,"

But quietly I wonder if it's
a result of her life choices.

I mean, I'm as liberal as
anyone, but do you really think

A throuple based on
a mutual love of cocaine

Doesn't have consequences?

I am as liberal
as anyone, though.

Are you sure
you want to do this, peter?

Seems a little reckless.

You do know that
wearing a jet pack doesn't

- Make you a lawyer, right?
- Objection.

Not supporting my dream
of becoming

- A sky attorney.
- Withdrawn.

Hey, I saw a thing
and now I want to do the thing.

That's my thing.

Now, quit yapping and tape
these leaf blowers to my back.

(l.A. Law theme playing)

To a thousand and beyond.

That's as high as he can count.

(laughs)

- (falcons screeching)
- (exclaims)

(shouts)

(screaming)

Peter, what the hell?

Aah! Aah!

(crashing, glass shattering)

Aw, crap, there's one of them
chinese balloons.

Excuse me. I'm japanese.

Oh, my god. I am so sorry.

Please excuse my ignorance.

Hey, just take this opportunity
to learn and grow.

I will.
I will, balloon, I will.

Man, lois was pissed
about me wrecking the house.

Really? I assumed she'd be numb
to your shenanigans by now.

Worst part is I spent
all our vacation money

On the jet pack without asking.

For some reason,
women don't like it

When you wreck
their financial future.

The lady brain
is truly the most confounding

Of all head meats.

Peter, I know what it's like
to be in the doghouse,

But I think I can help.

Why don't you use
my mom's condo in florida?

Every year she winters
in buffalo.

I keep telling her
she's doing florida wrong,

But she doesn't listen.

Thanks, joe.
Florida sounds great.

I bet lois'll love that.

My mom winters in a coffin.

All the seasons, really.

Brian, I need your help
to take a shower.

Shower?! No way.
Dogs and showers don't mix.

Come on, bri, you're the only
one who can do this with me.

I can't go back there.
I'm sorry, it's just...

I took a shower once.
I was so young.

(flute playing)

When they put me in the tub,

I figured it was just
to rub my tummy.

What a fool I was.

They stripped me down
like an animal.

And that's when things got real.

The water just kept coming.

I tried to fight back, but I was
half-blind from the soap.

At first, peter tried
to bathe me from the side,

But then he realized
it'd be easier if he...

Got in.

When it was over,

They just wiped me down
with an old beach towel

And threw me in the yard.

I didn't get a parade.

Hell, I didn't even get
a chew toy.

Thank you for your shower.

Don't do this, stewie.

Once you get in that shower,
you never come back.

Sorry, but I'm taking
a shower...

"with or without you."

Uh, we-we can't afford
that u2 song.

Oh, really?

But they will pay us
to play one off their new album.

Yeah, that's a big bon-no.

Well, peter, I was skeptical,
but I got to say,

It's beautiful here.

Well, this is the address.

Peter, this isn't
a vacation home,

This is a retirement community.

I can't believe
you never told me.

Lois, we had
a whole conversation about this

When you were passed out
on your airplane pills.

Okay, I got to fess up,

It's kind of
a retirement community.

If you're okay with it,
breathe once every minute.

- (snores)
- ah, there it is.

I can't believe you took me
to a retirement community.

Come on, it's not so bad.

There's canasta and pickleball,

Plus the world's softest
toilet seats.

I can't poop now
'cause I'm afraid of heights.

- (air hissing)
- uhp, here we go.

All right,
now I'm getting confidence.

Ugh, there's so much
"not actual milk" milk.

Hey, I think this is
that mother's day gift

Joe told me about.

It's a "joe-mometer."

It announces celebrity trivia
in joe's voice.

Joe:
It's 76 degrees.

Actor morgan freeman
is left-handed.

Wow.
That's mildly interesting.

This place is depressing.
I want to go home.

Oh, hey, I know this isn't
the trip you were hoping for,

But our flight back
isn't for a week,

So we may as well
try to have fun.

Ugh, fine.
I'll give it a shot.

You won't be disappointed.

Remember, you didn't think
you'd like it

When I had big,
giant traps either.

Hey, babe,
did you wash my singlet?

I got a tournament
up in great neck.

Peter, I can't wash your singlet

And make you
a hundred egg whites.

- Hey, dad. (exclaims)
- (grunting)

Uhp, left yourself open
to a nearside cradle.

- I am not a part of this.
- Well, then tap out.

- I tap out. (choking)
- no tap outs.

(mellow music playing)

(gasps)

(sexy music playing)

Good god, these are the ones
who could make it to the pool.

Imagine what the ones
in the rooms look like.

I, uh, couldn't help but notice

Your sternum
has only 14 sunspots.

Uh, no one here
has less than 83.

Aw, I bet you say that
to all the ladies

Who can walk without assistance.

You ever been with a man

Who knows
the price of milk in 1942?

(weak chuckle)
can't say that I have.

It was a nickel.

That was the price
of everything then.

A suit was a nickel.
A house was a nickel.

A dime was a nickel.

Hemorrhoid donut for the lady?

A girl could get used to this.

Now, who wants to see me bite
into an apple with my own teeth?

It's suicide!

I missed the moon landing,
I ain't missing this.

- (cheering)
- heavens to betsy,
that's amazing.

Could you help us
turn on the tv, dear?

Our favorite program
is about to start.

Sure, why not.

- (l.A. Law theme playing)
- ooh!
- Ooh!

You must be one of those
computer whizzes.

The last time I tried
to work the remote myself,

I got folded inside a bed.

Could you reach that
cigar box full of dominoes?

My grandchildren are coming

And I want them
to do something fun.

Oh, such a strong boy.

Here, have a chick-o-stick.

You carry candy in your pocket?

Of course.

All old ladies
are 70% pocket candy.

Werther's.

Butterscotch.

That weird strawberry candy
with the goo inside.

You guys are like
walking piñatas.

(giggling)

Oh, it's so nice to be touched.

All right,
before the big shower,

I should do a dry run.

Need to get a feel
for the space.

Let's start with
some articulation exercises.

Soap the shins.
Soap the shins.

Soap and sop and soak the shins.

The room sound is a little
tinny, but I can make it work.

All right,
not bad for the first day.

Rupert, toss over
the rope ladder.

Rupert?

Oh, you son of a bitch,
I knew it.

Is this because
I suggested a prenup?

Well, if money doesn't matter,
you should just sign it.

(grunts)

I'm stuck!

Help!

(panting)

Oh, this is just great.

I'm going to die in here
and I'll never take a shower.

Maybe you won't, but we will.

Really?

Thanks, bri.

The poop was in there
when I got in.

Man, this place is great
for my self-esteem.

I'm getting bicep squeezes
left and right.

And men keep telling me
I look like greer garson.

That's good, I think.

Being the youngest,
healthiest people here

Sure has its perks.

It's like everyone
wants a piece of us.

Before we harvest the organs
of these two young meatbags,

We need to decide who gets what.

So, if you want a body part,
call dibs now.

Yeah, I'll take
the udders and the hooves.

What? That's not a cow.

That's a guy?

But I saw him
eating grass earlier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're
donating the brain to science.

No one take the brain.

Morning, peter.

I brought you some
calcium-rich milk.

It'll make your bones strong
so I can swim again.

- Thanks, art.
- Don't thank me...

The cow did most of the work.

(both laughing)

Lois, would you be a dear

And lift this fruitcake

That's the same weight
as my grandson?

Um, sure?

Full range of motion.
Firm grip.

Time for your breakfast
eye exam.

Which line can you read?

Uh, well, I can read "gledjeb".

That's not a word, it's just
random letters in a row.

Really?
I thought it was dutch.

Hey!
They said my name.

Don't be so self-centered.

They could mean
gledjeb opeldark.

Well, you ready, stewie?

Yup. Even got some decals
for the shower floor.

I see you went with
the flower design.

The daffodil pattern provides

Superior protection
against slippage.

Dr. Scholl's gave it
four toes out of seven.

I-it's a weird scale,
but that's still pretty good.

And I got us some shampoo.

Why did you buy the kind
for color-treated hair?

Speaking of hair, that is one
heck of a musical, huh?

That's the hair
we should be discussing.

You got a little
giuliani drip going there.

There were voting
irregularities in michigan!

Can you believe they gave us
complimentary massages?

Welcome!

Have you fasted
for the last 12 hours?

- Were we supposed to?
- No worries.

Why do you need our blood
pressure for a massage?

Deep tissue. Hot stone.

We have all different kinds.

You just ignored my question

And answered a different one
you had in your head.

I did eat my twin in the womb,
thanks for asking.

Okay, let's get you started.

Are you a d cup
or is that just gravity?

Oh, just gravity.

Just a half rack, tony.

Excuse me,
I have to use the restroom.

Oh, my god.

(playing "tie a yellow ribbon
round the ole oak tree")

Ah.
Well, that's not so bad.

Hard to misinterpret that.

(gasps) oh, my god!

And how many drinks would
you say you consume each week?

Socially, about four to six.

Alone in the dark while crying
to adele, a hundred.

Welp, beggars can't be choosers.

(grunts)

They're trying to
steal our organs.

They want to kill us.
Let's go.

- What's happening?
- Don't worry, lois.

It's called "flintstone legs."

Trust me, all we need
is some traction.

Calling all coots!

Red dawn and the waddler
have flown the coop.

Brian, if something should
happen to one or both of us,

I'd regret not having said this,
so I'm just gonna say it.

You have a nice penis.

I see it a lot,
I don't say anything,

But it's nice.

Now, you say something nice
about my penis.

I think we should
turn the water on.

(grunts)

Huh, this isn't as bad
as I remember.

It's actually kind of nice.

I wonder what this thing does.

(rattling)

- Aah!
- Aah!

- This is horrible!
- The spray is too strong.

We have to turn down the water.

Now it's too hot!
Now it's too cold!

My god, how does chris
stay in here for 45 minutes?

He's doing other stuff,
but we got to get out of here.

Oh, my god,
now the tub is filling up.

Wait a minute,
the tub is filling up.

This isn't a shower anymore.

This is a bath!
I know baths.

I've got this, bri.

("the wreck of
the edmund fitzgerald" playing)

♪ the legend lives on
from the chippewa on down ♪

♪ of the big lake they called ♪

♪ gitche gumee ♪

♪ the lake, it is said,
never gives up her dead ♪

♪ when the skies of November ♪

♪ turn gloomy. ♪

Oh, my god.
What is that?

A decade's worth of meg's hair.

Ew, that's gross.

No, it isn't.
It's our lifeline, brian.

Boost me to the shower caddy.

- Oh!
- (grunts)

Hang on.

(grunting)

Aah! (grunts)

We are never
taking a shower again.

Agreed.

Uh, fellas, I'm gonna need
the room for 45 minutes.

(grunts)

- (tires screeching)
- (grunts)

I'm gonna gut you like a fish

And scoop out your insides.

Right after I parallel park.

Peter, come on!

Sorry, lois.
As a man,

I'm required to watch
other men parallel park.

Peter, he wants to kill us!
Let's go!

You got to cut the wheel.

I am cutting the wheel.

- No, the other way.
- This is the other way, jerk.

No, left. Cut left.

Pull back, cut left.
Now I'm involved.

Right.

Oh!
They shrunk the spaces

So they could make more money.
(weak chuckle)

Sir, this is a standard space
on a public street.

Nobody's making money here.

Stop where you are.

We would like this all
to be over by 4:00 p.M., please.

(growling)

Enough!

You freaks are never
getting our organs!

Now shuffle aside
before I call the cops.

This is florida, doll.

The cops are all just strippers
who carry guns.

- Then who are the strippers?
- Firemen.

- So, who fights the fires?
- No idea.

- You're sick.
- And you... you're selfish.

You come in here flaunting
your working ears and knuckles

That don't look like an abacus

And expect us
not to pick you clean

Like the last hour
at a chinese buffet?

If we have to take your organs
by force, then so be it.

- Have it your way.
- (knuckles crack)

We always do,

No matter how many times
we have to send the entrée back.

We will stand here
and fight until...

- Woman: It's 4:04.
- Oh! We're missing dinner!

(indistinct chatter)

I'm sorry, lois.

Looks like I ruined
another vacation.

You know, peter, I was upset
when you brought me here

Because I wanted to have
an exciting vacation,

Just the two of us,

And I thought this place
was gonna be boring,

But you know what?
Turns out

Fleeing from bloodthirsty
senior citizens with you

Was kind of a thrill.

This may not have been
the vacation I expected

But it turned out to be
the best one I've ever had.

I love you, peter.

I love you, too.

Man, this place is crazy.

Can you believe joe
was in the dark about all this?

Did you get the legs?

Damn it!
(inhales, exhales)

No, no, no, it's fine.

I'll see if I can get cleveland
to go down there next week.

Hey, bud! How was florida?

(playing "tie a yellow ribbon
round the ole oak tree")

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