All language subtitles for Frasier (2023) S01E05

♪

I heard the singing down
the hall. Whose birthday was it?

Oh, I don't know.
I wasn't there.

♪ Happy birthday...♪

It's not my birthday.

So, there was another
office gathering

to which I was not invited?

Well, yes, but think of all
the good you're doing.

If not for you,
there wouldn't be an in-crowd.

I can't believe
I'm having such a hard time

fitting in at Harvard.

Kind of hard to fall back
on the old line,

"They're just intimidated
by your intellect."

Don't take it personally.
You're still new.

Besides, no one else we know
was at the party.

Alan, there you are.

There's ice cream, too?

I was just delivered something

that made me fly over here.

Interesting,

because I, too,
received something that, uh,

would be a real
feather in my cap.

So, if you got the flu...?

It would be avian in nature.

I'm gonna freak out
if I'm not included real soon.

I got the golden plume.

I, too, was plumed.

"You've been cordially invited
to attend

"the Founders' Society mixer.

Join the president and fellows
of Harvard University."

What is this?

It's no big deal. It's just

an extremely selective group
of Harvard's brightest minds

who help shape the
university's future.

I'm kidding,
it's a very big deal.

I heard, in their cellar,

they have a bottle of Scotch

from Shackleton's
1917 expedition.

What I wouldn't give

to have a piece of history
like that burn my esophagus.

Every Harvard president

started out as a member
of the Founders' Society.

Oh, my sister's
gonna be so jealous.

Text Monica.

"I'm about to be president."

"I'm about to be pregnant."

Eh, she'll still
be jealous. Send.

You know, this is
what's wrong with academia.

Look at the two of you,

acting like a couple
of giddy children

because of an invitation for
some pretentious, elitist clique

that just had to...

I got a golden plume.

We all got a plume.

I've got a plume. Oh, my God.

Oh, there they are.

-I'll get it.
-Thank you, Freddy.

- Hey.
- Hey.
- My,

you look ravishing.

Well, I tried something fun
with my hair.

Oh, this is so exciting.
The three of us together.

Aren't you all

competing against each other
to get into that club?

Technically, yes,
but we've gamed the system

by forming an alliance.

See, working together allows you

to brag about one other,
which is endearing,

but when you brag
about yourself, it's obnoxious.

Yes, the whole thing
was my idea.

It's a brilliant idea.
I mean, with my connections,

Dr. Crane's celebrity,
and also Alan,

um, we're shoo-ins
for the Founders' Society.

"The Founders' Society."

Isn't this whole thing
just a little pretentious?

-Yes, of course it is.
-Absolutely.
-Very much so.

Look, and we all have

very good reasons
for wanting to get in.

I mean, I for one would like
to find a place

where I feel like I belong.

-Scotch-related gluttony for me.
-Mm.

Naked ambition here.

Here we are. Champagne.
Plus, it gives

Alan and I an opportunity

to exorcise some demons.

Ah, yes,
the Bullingdon Club incident.

A classic story.

It was back when we were both
attending Oxford.

We tried to get into
their most exclusive club,

and while we were pledging...

You got lights-out drunk

and snuck into the library.

Freddy, please.

Olivia and Eve
have not heard this story.

So, once we were inebriated,

we thought we would sneak into
the library and try to steal...

Oscar Wilde's walking stick.

Olivia, please.
Eve has not heard this story.

So, once we absconded
with the stick we were...

Tackled by a pack
of surprisingly spry librarians

and forever banned
from the club.

It was my darkest hour.

I do not sound like that.

So, you've all heard this story?

Dad,

you and Alan have five stories.

No, no. Have you heard
the one about...

we tried to rescue a poodle...

...from the deck of a catamaran,
and we ended up...

Naked in Denmark.

You know, you tell these stories
so often that I'm afraid

that John's first words
are gonna be...

"And that crazy drunk chick

turned out to be
Princess Margaret."

I apologize for the humiliation

I'm about to inflict
on you, Eve,

but you're doing
an East Sussex accent,

and I come from West Sussex.

Ooh, Alan, zing.

Oh.

Our chariot awaits. Here we go.

All right, well,
you kids have fun.

Don't eat anything endangered.

You really do look fabulous.

-Thank you.
-Thank you so much.

Oh, David. Hello. See you soon.

What is up, cousin?

Oh, you know, just excited
about a quiet night in

at home, by myself.

I like the sound of that.
I'll join you.

So what is up

in Freddy Land?

Is there a-a Mrs. Freddy
on the horizon?

Nope. No girlfriend
at the moment.

That's a shame.

-Mm.
-You sure there's nothing

going on between you and Eve?

-What? No.
-Why not?

I mean, you have
all this history,

you've lived together
for a while.

Also, you've seen each other
in your pajamas.

David, you know she used to date
my buddy before he...

Trust me,
nothing can happen there.

Cool, cool. Smart.

In that case,
I'm gonna ask her out.

What? No. You can't ask her out.

Got it. You love her.
I'll back off.

Okay, David.
Please listen to me.

I don't have any feelings
for Eve.

Okay? We're just friends.

Understood.
I'm clear for takeoff.

No. Oh, my God.
Y-You're a teenager.

She's almost 30. Her boyfriend
died barely a year ago.

She has a baby
you're not even allowed to hold.

A baby I'm afraid to hold.

And trust me,

she wants this.

You know what? Go for it.

Ask her out. See what happens.

-Thank you for your blessing.
-Mm-hmm.

Eve, what a lovely surprise.

Why? I live here.

What? Are you serious?

He cleared you for takeoff?

This place is so stuffy.

I love it.

Looks like the sort of place
you retire to

after a long day hunting man.

Okay, every second counts.

We have two hours
to meet and impress

as many members as possible,

after which they will
get together and vote

to select the new inductees.

The most important person

is the chair of the econ
department, Dean Melvin.

He is the head of the society.

What are you doing?

I'm trying on a priceless
antique gauntlet.

-What's it look like I'm doing?
-Why?

Because the helmet
would mess up my hair.

I do not want a repeat
of the Bullingdon club incident.

Please take the gauntlet off
before someone sees you.

It's stuck.

What do you mean, it's stuck?
Give me that.

Curse the tiny hands
of the 14th century chevaliers.

Founders incoming. Be cool.

-Dr. Finch.
-Oh.

- Glad you could make it.
- Oh.

Dr. Bowen, Dr. Sharma.

It's so great to see you.

These are my colleagues
Dr. Crane and Dr. Cornwall.

-Yeah, lovely to see you.
Oh, thank you so much. Hi.
-Hello.

Charmed.

Dr. Finch, everyone

is buzzing about how you're

transforming
the psych department.

Thank you, but Dr. Crane here
is the true game-changer.

Oh, now, Dr. Cornwall
invented game-changing.

Oh, please, game-changing
was game over

until Dr. Finch changed
the game-changing game.

Oh.

You all sound like
real game-changers.

I'm thinking the same thing.

We could use that around here.

Plus, it is refreshing
to see such a spirit

of camaraderie.

Not everyone here
is always that supportive.

You should know how
to parallel park by now.

We were on a hill.

We killed it.

Frasier, your alliance idea
was brilliant.

I think this calls for a drink.

You know, usually
I refrain from statements

that might come back
to haunt me,

but I believe that we are
going to get into this club,

and nothing is going
to stop that from happening.

Well, it is a great group
of candidates.

It sure is.

It's too bad we only have room

for two new members this year.

So, two spots

and...

three of us.

Puts our alliance
in a precarious situation.

What to do? What to do?

You know, it's times like this
I like to remind myself,

Dr. Crane, I hired you.

Yes, but what's more important:

a job that forces you to work

a soul-crushing
eight hours a week,

or a decades-long
friendship with a man

whom you recently described
as ravishing?

Or maybe
the strongest bond of all

is between two people,
a man and a woman,

whose faces have never been
on a billboard.

All right, let's just stop it.

Two of us can still get in

if we maintain
our alliance. Please,

just remember the inspiring
words of Cincinnatus

as he addressed his troops,

"Oblivisci societatis.

Pascamus eam lupis."

Yes.

To which his crowd cheered,

"Sub curru laciamus eam."

Ah, exactly.

And then Cincinnatus said,

in the spirit of harmony,

"Ita callidi sumus,

plane ea Latine nescit."

I'm so glad we're a team.

-Ah, here comes
the happy couple.
-You let him do this?

Well, in my defense,
I thought it would be funny.

And, in my further defense,
it was.

It's not that he asked me out.

It's how he asked me out.

What, this charmer? Come on,
couldn't have been that bad.

How'd you ask her out?

Stop. Stop.

Wow.

This is not my forte.

I'm not suave like you are.

You've kissed, what,

four, five girls?

Four... David.

I'm Mr. July

in the firefighters' calendar.

I'm a man in uniform
with a full head of hair.

I-I carry women
out of burning buildings.

You think they just want
to shake my hand after?

Ooh, big talk
coming from the guy

sitting at home reading...

Little Women.What?

I'd like to see you try coming
of age during the Civil War.

Your cousin has no idea
how to talk to girls.

It would be very nice
if you would help him.

But...

Okay, fine.

David, tonight
I'm gonna teach you

how to strike up conversation
with a real live human woman.

That's right,

I am gonna give you the gift

of game.

Loser. Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna stay and help.

Really? How many girls
have you kissed?

More than you, babe.

Oh.

There he is, Dean Melvin.
Okay, um,

I need to get some air
before I speak to him.

-Do not start without me.
-No, of course.
-Of course, of course.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

-What a pleasure to meet you.
-Oh,

likewise. Sorry, I'm just
looking for a bottle opener.

Oh, well, allow me.

Thank you.

Wow, wish you two
were around all the time.

I think
that could be arranged.

Dean Melvin, hello.

"Voluptatem, ut semper."

Oh, Dr. Finch. I'd forgotten
you're a fellow Latin buff.

Not a very useful skill
these days, is it?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Uh, where are your colleagues?

I think they think that
schmoozing with the waiter

is going to get them
into the club.

You know, something
I'm wondering, actually, is,

what is your take on Keynesian

theory versus neoclassical?

What's the difference?

Fascinating.

So, what you're saying is

they're really different sides

of the same coin.

You're a trip, man.

-Can I get you a drink?
-Oh, we should be
getting you a drink.

Where's that damn waiter?

I don't know. Where is he?

-Almost ready.
-What's with the whistle?

Well, at the fire station
we run drills

till we get things right.

Tonight you

are gonna master walking up to
a woman and making small talk.

Eve will be your practice girl.

Can we not refer to me
as a practice girl?

Okay, uh, please
approach your...

rehearsal human...

...and introduce yourself.

Hello, milady.

She's not Maid Marian. Go back,

try again.
Speak like people your own age.

Sup, queen?

Nope. Do it again.

This is really hard.

Are you sure I have to talk
to someone to date them?

Uh, let's just pretend
you're at a club.

Talk about your surroundings.

It's really loud in here!

Yeah, that was my bad.

Let's say it's a coffee shop.

How loud is it?

You're the only
two people there.

Why? Does it have
a bad health score?

-David.
-Sorry, sorry.

Who's your favorite magician?

So, you want to hear
some facts about whales?

What's your favorite word?

Mine's a tie between
"conquistador" and "lemon."

I'm a gentleman,
so I'll ask first,

may I smell your hair?

Want to guess
how many toes I have?

Hint, it's lower.

Why am I so bad at this
when my father

was such a ladies' man?

You're making this way too hard.
Keep it simple.

Confidence is attractive.

Stand straight.
Freddy, show him.

Then just try
to make eye contact. Freddy?

If she looks away,
she's not feeling it,

but if she looks back,
she might be.

Then just to make conversation.
Freddy?

Hey, I noticed

the book you were reading.
Any good?

Yeah, it's so good.

-I actually already finished it.
-Oh.

-Do you want to borrow it?
-I'd love to,

but then I'd need
to get your number.

You know, so I can return it.

Sure.

I hope you're a fast reader.

Wow.

I'm really bad
at reading people,

but I could've sworn
you two were into each other.

Great acting. Even you, Eve.

So you play quite
an important role here?

I'm just here to serve people.

Such a noble way
of looking at it.

That's what I keep trying
to tell my mom.

Well, she's a fool
if she's not proud.

You guys get me.

Listen, I should probably
go out and make the rounds.

Yes, of course. We just wanted
some face time with the dean.

Who's Dean?

Well, you are.
Dean Melvin.

I'm Kevin.
That guy's Dean Melvin.

What are you doing?

I'm attempting
to flip her the bird.

Hey, listen,

if you guys want
to get high later,

just let me know.

I'm in.

Dean Melvin loved me
and said that he will make sure

that I am accepted,
but, more importantly,

"Servus te amavit?"

Well, he asked us to get high,

so I think he liked us
pretty well.

Well, good news for you is that

Dean Melvin is interested
in my recommendation

for the final spot.

And, for the record, I am
very open to accepting bribes.

Oh, please, Olivia,
our friendship is rock solid.

We're not about to start
competing with each other...

I'll give you my son.

What?

Don't play so coy, sister. I've
seen the way you look at him.

I know when he showers.
I can get you...

What the hell am I doing?

What you're doing
is making a deal. Keep talking.

I know I've said no
a hundred times, Olivia,

but now I am prepared...

to go ice-skating with you.

Alan, do not mess with me.

Oh, come on, it's obvious

who's Founders' Society
material around here.

Hint: it's the one of us

who doesn't need a can opener
to check his watch.

So we're just

trading jabs now, are we? Fine.

Then it is time
to throw down the gauntlet.

-Oh, that would've been so good.
-Hmm.

Decide between yourselves
and then let me know.

Right now Alan is ahead.

Text Monica.

"I finally found
a skating partner."

"I finally found
a mating partner."

That is much better.

All right.

I think I've come up
with a solution

that'll make us both happy.

Go on.

You bow out.

What? Why should I bow out?

Because this is important to me,
and as far as I can tell,

nothing is important to you.

Plus, you owe me.

I owe you? What the hell
does that mean?

You know perfectly well
what it means.

Explain it to me
like I'm a student at Tufts.

You...

are the one...

who wanted to steal
Oscar Wilde's cane.

You...

are the one who wanted to play
with that poodle.

You take nothing seriously,

and I am always the one
who has to pay a price for it.

You make me sound
like some reckless buffoon.

Anyway, this place
isn't that great, you know.

A huge crack in that table.

Will you please, please

not ruin this one thing for me?

I see.

I had no idea
this is how you felt about us,

and I'm very sorry.

I will of course

bow out, and I'll help you
secure that final spot.

Thank you. Now,

let's go talk me up
to some of the other members.

We're almost out of time.

Uh, if I may, uh,
one tiny request first.

I'd like you to help me meet
a rather special lady.

Really? Who is the intoxicating
little creature, eh?

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Gorgeous. Now, can we go?

You act like you've never seen
a bottle of alcohol before.

It's a vintage
Chateau Chien Blanc.

Oh, I'll give you two
some privacy.

I noticed something on the way
in. I just want to check it.

Ah, Lady Chien.

Well, I don't mean to brag,
but I was right.

-About?
-Well, on our way in here,

I accidentally locked the door,
and we're stuck down here.

What?

Yeah, I know, I know,
we're both upset.

If only there were

something in this room
that could help

calm our nerves.

All right, David,
this is the final drill.

Releasing you into the wild.

Remember, the goal
is just to meet someone

and have a conversation.
You see anyone interesting?

I don't know if I can do this.

I forgot how people talk.

Maybe I could just build
a girlfriend. That seems easier.

I don't disagree, but, uh,

I think you should
give it a try.

I need a drink.

He's joking about building
a girlfriend, right?

I don't know.
I've seen the schematics.

Tonic soda, grenadine back,
don't skimp on the ice.

Sorry.

Just taking the edge off.
I'm... I'm really nervous.

Oh, I get it.

I'm the same way.

Uh, sometimes, when I'm nervous,

I close my eyes
and recite state capitals.

I do the same thing
with presidents.

Yes. We can both say Lincoln.

Uh, you know what
really calms me down?

Sniffing old books?

Get out of my head.

Th-There's an old bookstore
around the corner,

if you want to go check it out.

I'd love to.

Sorry, guys.

I-I don't think
it's gonna work out tonight.

I'll do better next time,
I promise.

Milady.

Did he just pick up a girl
without even realizing it?

You know, now and then,
in this workaday world,

things do happen in a delightful

storybook fashion,

and what a comfort it is.

Is that a quote
from Little Women?

It's a classic for a reason.

No signal down here, of course.

So, the Founders' Society
mixer is almost over,

the only people we've mixed with
are each other and Kevin.

And, again, I'm sorry.
I promise you, in future,

I won't pull you into any more
of my silly antics.

Now, just put your hands
like this.

Thank you.

Alan.

Well, we're gonna be
down here awhile.

We might as well have something
warm in our bellies.

Oh, yes.

This is a big joke. Does
anything actually matter to you?

I can think of two things
I care deeply about:

my cat and you.

I was sure you were
going to say Scotch.

I know I can be flippant
about things, and that

you've had to
pay the price, so...

I'm sorry if I've
mucked things up again.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry if I seem to take

things a bit too seriously
sometimes.

I've always wondered
why that is.

You know, it's funny.

The thing about me is, I...

I've always wanted to fit in
somewhere, you know?

I mean, even when I was

back in Boston, I-I used to be
a regular at a bar, and yet...

Nobody knew your name?

Well, not-not exactly,
but, um...

I still have this longing

to find the place
where I belong.

Ugh, have you still got passion?

We're in our 60s, man.

What's wrong with "good enough"?
What's wrong with "this'll do"?

What's wrong with

limping towards the finish line?

What's wrong? Well, let's see.

We're locked in a basement,

uh, you've got a, a gauntlet

stuck on your arm.

And you're drinking
century-old booze

with your best-looking friend.

Sounds delightful.

The only thing I would change...

is that terrible Scotch.

Why am I chewing?

Well, if nothing else,
consider this,

we've got the sixth story
to bore everyone with.

That's a hell
of a silver lining.

You know,
I don't remember

one thing about
that Bullingdon Club,

but I'll never forget
being tackled by those

rabid librarian bullies.

Gosh.

That is something
I will always remember.

Me, too.

So you're no longer mad at me
for messing up your evening?

No, of course not.

Good, because I lied
about the door being locked.

What? You mean
the door's been unlocked

-all this time?
-No, no, have a look.
There isn't a door.

What? You locked me in a room
without a door?

Not bad for a reckless buffoon.

No, I just thought we ought to,
uh, hash things out.

I've certainly
learned my lesson.

Who cares
about this ridiculous club?

I've got you. I don't need them.

Dr. Crane. I've been dying
to speak with you all night.

We would be honored if you
would like to join our society.

I'd love to.

Wonderful.

The fact that you paused at all
is a huge step forward.

Y'all know how this goes.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin'♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs♪

♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused♪

Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.

♪ But I don't know
what to do with those♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs♪

♪ Life's callin' again.♪

Good night, everybody!

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