All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2010) - S02E11 - Mess of a Salesman_track3_[eng]11

♪

Hey. How'd your date go
last night?

It depends.

If a guy bites his cuticles
and then swallows them,

Does that make him
a cannibal?

Because then I had an exciting
date with a cannibal

And not a boring evening
with a guy who has

A disgusting habit.
Zing‐bang!
I'm getting an award.

Bang‐zoom!
I'm getting a muffin.

Every year the veridian
charitable foundation

Honors someone
who's been outstanding,

And this year,
they've chosen me.
For what?

For being outstanding.
For being outstanding at what?

I'm getting an award.

You realize, as an honoree,
you're gonna have to raise

A bunch of money
for the foundation?

I know. That's the part
I'm dreading.

Linda, you do it for me.
Huh. That wasn't so bad.

Before I agree to do something
I have no choice in,

Do you even know which charity
veridian's giving the money to?

I'm getting an award.

(Man) teddy!

Billy?
What are you doing here? Hey.

I'm in town for a couple days.
I thought we could grab a bite.

Hey, are those fresh nuts?

Booyah!
Oh! (Coughs)

Hello, ladies. Don't be alarmed.
I'm ted's big brother.

Oh!
You okay, buddy? Huh?

Oh, you gonna barf?
It's okay if you do.

No one will judge.
Help me up.

Oh, right. Right.
So you can viciously do to me

What I so lovingly
did to you?

No. I'm not gonna do anything.
I'm not a jackass like you.

This is where I work.
Oh.

Right.
Sack attack!

Ooh!
Yeah! Yeah!

(Strained voice)
excellent.

I totally got you.
I totally got him.

Yes, it was masterful,
like watching a chess game.

(Grunts)

Hey, ted, I can't find rose,

And I've looked for her
everywhere.

I'm upside down!
Well, I know one thing
for sure‐‐

Wherever she is,
she's right side up.

(Laughs) no, I'm not.

Well, until we find her,
we're gonna have to just use

This spare rose that we got
growing out of your back.
Oh!

Oh, come here. (Grunts)
what?

That was fun. I'm gonna go see
if it made me any taller.

(Chuckles)
hey, it's great
having you around.

Yeah.
You know, rose doesn't have
a lot of family here.

Ohh.
Oh, relax.
I'm not setting you up.

So how long can you stay?

I don't know, a couple of days.
I heard there might be a job

Out in fresno,
selling baby‐proofing kits.

Apparently
they're having problems

With babies
breaking into homes out there.

What happened to selling boxes?
And‐‐and could you please stop

Holding mom
in front of your crotch?

Well, I kind of had
a falling‐out with my boss

'Cause I kept sleeping
with his wife.

It's a real shame, too,
'cause I sold boxes

Even better than I sold
attack dogs or fatty scooters.

Aw, man,
you're a great salesman.

I was kinda hoping
that job would stick.

Hey, what if I got you
something at veridian?

Seriously?
Man, I'd love that.

Plus, I'd get to hang here
for a while.

Yeah, rose and I
would like that, too.

I love you, bro, but not
like in a brotherly way.

No, it's all about the sex
for me.

Don't pretend
you don't want it.

You've been thinking about it
all night, like I have.

So I'm coming in for a kiss.
Don't try and fight it.

Oh, you've definitely
picked up my signals.

Why don't we just skip
right to second base?
Aah!

Where's your mommy now, huh?
Aah!

(Thud)
aw, too easy!

(Ted) the next morning,
I asked veronica

If she thought it'd be
possible to get billy a job at
veridian.

I'm getting an award.
When I finally got
veronica's attention,

She told me veridian
wasn't hiring,

So I talked to lou,

The owner of the company that
sells us our lab supplies.

I don't know, ted.
I got an idiot brother of my own
I'm not giving a job to.

Billy's not an idiot.
He's a really good salesman.

Actually, ted,
I'm a really good salesman.

I just figured out a way
to sell veridian 3,000 beakers

I've been having trouble
getting rid of.

So I got billy
a job selling lab supplies.

And you know that saying‐‐
"you can never have
too many beakers"?

Well, it's not a saying,
and now I know why.

Hey, lonnie. Great job on that
presentation. Have a beaker.

No, thank you.

I didn't know
ted had a brother.

I did.
I did all that research

When I dressed up as ted
for halloween last year.

Did you know
his great‐grandfather
was a cattle wrestler?

You mean rustler.

No, wrestler.
He used to go from town to town

Fighting livestock
for beer money.

I had an aunt who fought
a cow for beer money once.

The cow never forgave her.
Oh, they're very unforgiving.

What are they doing?
Oh, it's just how
they process information.

Ah.
Anyway, fellas,

So billy is the new rep

For the company
that supplies our lab equipment.

Anything you need,
you go through him.

And this is the latest catalog.

Oh, you dropped something,
theodore.

Pick it up, theo‐dorable.

I'm not picking it up,
billy‐has‐a‐little‐willy.
Oh! (Laughs)

What are they doing?
That's just
how they process emotion.

Run, dummy.
It's getting away.

All right,
I'll see you at home later.

Don't be late.
I'm making lasagna.

All right.

Please don't hurt us.
We're not like you.

No, I'm not gonna hurt ya.

Okay, so, uh, what kind of stuff
you guys need?

Nothing currently. We're pretty
careful with our resources.

Although we once meant to buy
6 4‐inch petri dishes

And instead bought
4 6‐inch petri dishes.

(Laughs)

It was crazy how slightly bigger
it was than we needed.

Ahh!
Uh, okay.

You guys need to loosen up
a little,

So I am gonna take you
to a very exclusive club.

We're gonna have a drink,
talk about lab supplies.

Well, we can't leave work
in the middle of the day.

We're not somali pirates.

You know, if you get
a little crazy once in a while,

You stop being scared
of living your life...

(Whispers) that's when things
get interesting.

I have
always harbored ambitions

Of being slightly
more pirate‐like.

And we did look pretty cool
with those eye patches

When we both had pink eye.

Okay, ted's brother, we're in.
(Laughs)

No.

I did a little research
on the charity

The veridian foundation
is giving the money to.
Why?

Because I wanted to know
where the money was going.
Why?

Because I wanted to make sure
it was a good cause.
Why?

Because I don't
have a debilitating
personality disorder

That keeps me
from caring about anything.

First of all, it's not
debilitating. It's liberating‐‐

The money is going
to a great charity

That provides female mentors
for underprivileged girls,

Preparing them
for leadership positions.

Ha! Your consciousness
has been raised, lady.
That sounds wonderful.

Ugh. I hate it
when you mock me.
I'm serious.

And when you mock me
for pointing out

That you're mocking me.
I'm not mocking you.

And when you mockingly insist
you're not mocking me.

Seriously, this is actually
a cause I can relate to.

A female mentor would have
been very valuable

For a young veronica, who was
bursting with potential,

Yet vulnerable,
like a fawn in the woods,

But tough, like a fawn
in the woods with a machine gun.

So you're saying you, or this
terrifying, murderous fawn,

Could have used some guidance?

Yes, we would have liked that.

You and I are gonna raise
more money for this charity

Than it's ever raised before.

The forest will run red with
the blood of woodland creatures

Who doubted little veronica

And will now pay
with their furry little lives.

There's really
no middle ground with you.

Either you don't care at all
or you care 100‐and‐crazy%.

What else is there?

Now saddle up, linda, and say
good‐bye to common sense.

(Woman) final call.
Flight 25 now departing...

Wow. I've heard about clubs
like these at airports,

But I always thought you had
to be an admiral to get in.

Well,
look around, boys.

Full bar, cheeses, nuts‐‐
and it's all free.

Welcome to shangri‐la.

(Gasps)
this place is amazing.
I never want to leave.

We should go.
We have to go.

(Gasps) oh, my god.
There's a pilot.
That guy's a hero.

Fine. We'll go over, give him
one salute, then leave.

If we're gone from work
too long, we'll get in trouble.
Ah, so what if you do?

So someone gets mad at you.
Who cares?

You know what I do
when someone gets in my face?

I tell 'em to deal with it.

"Deal with it."

God, that'd be a cool thing
to say to somebody sometime.

(Chuckles) why not today?
Why not right now?

Hey, you, deal with it.
Yeah, deal with it.

I'm getting me
a damn cube of cheese!

(Chuckles) can we take
our pants off in here?

Easy.

I have to justify to accounting
buying so many beakers.

But I'm helping my brother
get his life back on track,

And now people will know

How many milliliters of pencils
they have.

Oh, excuse me. And...

They make
great coffee mugs.

Surprise.

I got you guys 600 beakers.

I was thinking you could
use them for beakers.

What's that?

Just a bag full of something.
A bag full of what?

Just a 62‐year‐old white male.
We bought a cadaver
from your brother, ted.

Deal with it.
Yeah, deal with it.

For god sakes,
why would you buy a cadaver?

Well, we were being all boring
and ordering stuff we needed

When we decided to grow a pair
and do something totally loco,

So we bought it.
No, not "it."
"It" implies one.

Oh, man. What did you guys do?
Thanks to billy, one of these
will arrive every
month.

That's right, once a month
they send us a new cadaver,

Whether we're finished
with the old one or not.

And what are you geniuses
gonna do

When dead bodies
start stacking up in here?

We're gonna
deal with it, ted,

Just like you're
gonna deal with it.

Yeah, everyone's dealing
with things now, ted.

Mm‐hmm. Well, I gotta
go yell at billy.

And I know you guys.

Don't name that corpse,
because it's going back.

So who are we
hitting up next?

We're at fleming
in marketing.

We're gonna get 500 bucks
from this mutt.

Can I be the bad cop
this time?

Linda, I've seen you smile
when you cry

And skip when you're upset.

I don't think
that's a good fit.

Hey, brett. Can I get you
anything? Are you comfortable?

Of course he's comfortable‐‐
comfortable being a sack of crap

Who doesn't give a damn about
girls who need mentors.

Veronica and I are raising money
for a very good cause.

We left you that brochure,
but you never got back to us.

Shut up, brett.

I didn't say anything.

Oh, that's rich.

We're gonna need
$10,000 from you.

$10,000?
That's‐‐that's‐‐that's crazy.

Crazy? What's crazy is
gina morales not having

An experienced businesswoman
to help her write a letter

To get into college.
That's what's crazy.

Whoa, veronica, easy.

Gina's problems aren't
entirely brett's fault.

You need to cool off.

Fine. I'll go get
200 milliliters of coffee.

I'm sorry. It's just‐‐
she loves those damn kids.

(Chuckles) look,
you're a nice guy.

Let me try to talk veronica
into taking just 500 bucks.

Oh, man. Would you do that?
Yeah.

(Chuckles)
but if you tell anybody
I did you a solid,

I will tear off your head
and tinkle in your skull!

(Laughs) I'm just kidding.

But, yeah, I'm dangerous.

Billy, you here?

Yes, and we have company.

I invited the lobsters
for dinner.

But don't say anything. I plan
on killing and eating them.

We are celebrating.

I racked up some great
commissions at work today.

Uh, yeah, a‐about that,
lem and phil‐‐

They don't need a year's supply
of cadavers or even one.

Oh, wow. I don't know
if it's returnable.

Well, it's‐‐it's‐‐it's not like
we used it or anything.

I mean, it still has
that new‐dead‐guy smell.

Oh, yeah. It's‐‐it's just
that my boss was so impressed.

But, hey,
if it's a problem for you,

I'll just tell him that
he's gotta deal with it.

Yeah. Well, bosses
love hearing that.

Daddy! Uncle billy bought me
a bunch of presents.

And best of all, he said
he might live here for a while.

Oh! (Laughs) now hold on. That's
only if the job works out.

(Snorts
and makes chewing noises)
(laughs)

Hey, listen. Forget about
returning that thing

We were talking about.
I'll figure something out.

Yeah, yeah. Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want
to reject your body.

You got enough of that from
every girl in high school.

And, dad, watch this.
Hey, uncle silly.

(Gasps) come here, you!

(Rose screaming)
oh!

I convinced lonnie,

The odd guy who works
in the oddly cold computer room,

To keep the cadaver for a while.

It might be a little creepy
at first,

But the cadaver
will get used to him.

Hi. So you must be
from that charity

That the veridian foundation's
working with.

Yes. We're going to visit
the honoree, veronica palmer.

Some of the girls are
a little nervous.

They've never been in a big,
corporate environment before.

Oh, don't be afraid. Just don't
go to the fourth floor.

That's where we keep
the monster factory.

(Laughs) I'm just kidding.

But, seriously, stay clear
of the fourth floor.

Ted, I was
just coming to see you.

There's a new rule
in the computer room.

They just came up with it
today‐‐

"No dead bodies
in the computer room."

(Girls scream)

Can you believe it?

You bought those leather pants
you've always wanted.

My wife doesn't know
I'm not at work.

Is there any rule
we haven't broken?

These pants make my legs
feel so cool.

I can't believe my lower half's
letting my upper half

Hang out with it.
Hey. The people over
at the beverage station

Are pissed 'cause you guys drank
all the pineapple juice.
Deal with it!

Deal with it!
So let's order

Some ridiculously expensive
lab equipment

We've never had the nerve
to buy before.

Uh, maybe we should just
stick with the stuff
you guys need this time.

If we stuck
with the stuff we needed,

I never would have bought these
fiercely uncomfortable pants.

And I wouldn't have
squeezed ten cubes of cheese

Into a ball
and eaten it like an apple,

Which I should not have done,
but I am dealing with it.

I just had
a disturbing conversation

With mrs. Boudreaux
from the girls charity.

Apparently ted threw
a dead body at her.

Oh, my god!
Well, that's not
the disturbing part.

In fact, I find that part
deeply funny.

What's disturbing is,
the veridian foundation

Keeps 95%
of the money we raise

And only gives 5%
to the girls charity.
Really? That's horrible.

We need to talk to mr. Page,
the head of the foundation.

It's time for this fawn
to strap on a machine gun,

Spread its wings and fly.
Okay, what exactly
do you think a fawn is?

The purpose of
the veridian foundation, girls,

Is to let the world know of
the good works veridian does.

So you spent 95 cents
of every dollar

Telling the world about
the other 5 cents?

If thousands of trees are
clear‐cut in the forest

And nobody hears about it,
did it really happen?

Of course it did, sugar,

And people always find out
about it, so what we need to do

Is publicize the occasional
good thing the company does

So that people are aware of
how wonderful we appear to be.

This isn't about
some stupid trees.

These girls are living,
growing things,

And you're trying
to hold them back.

Gina morales!
Hey, mr. Page.

Can I get you anything?
Are you comfortable?
We're not doing that.

You're gonna give everything
we collected to that charity.

People suffered
for that money.

We were awful.

You know what's funny?

We raise money to help little
girls enter the business world,

And when they finally do, they
still act like little girls.

I'll need the donations
you've collected by tomorrow.

Now if you'll excuse me,
girls...

No. We're not done here.

This woman opened her heart,

And that happens so rarely, you
could hear the hinges squeak.

I will not let you slam
that rusty heart door shut.
Go, linda. Release your
anger.

You will not crush
this woman's spirit and love,

You spineless,
condescending bureaucrat.

Good, linda. Only your hatred
can destroy him.

You, sir, are a bad egg.

Yes! Now strike!

(Grunts)

(Thud)

Wow.

Where did that come from?

I am a good mentor.

Okay, I need you guys to lower
the temperature in here.

Watch this dude until I figure
out what to do with him.

And you need to put more money
in our lab supplies account.

What did you do?
We bought a small family
of robots.

And a large wind tunnel.
We want to see how long it takes
to drive robots crazy with
wind.

Deal with it!
Deal with it!

Okay, how's this‐‐what if I
tell veronica that you've burned

Through the company's money,
she notifies h. R.,

They open an investigation,
and you guys lose your job?

Does that count
as "dealing with it"?

My legs are
completely numb.

Only the tightness
of my pants is
holding me up.

I think I feel that cheese apple
making its way north.

Billy, call me.
It's about lem and phil.

And you shouldn't say "doody"
so many times

In your outgoing message.
What if mom calls?
Ted, we need your help.

Ted, we don't need your help.
Guys, I'm kind of
in the middle of something.

My brother has pushed phil
and lem off the rails.

I went crazy
in a meeting and headbutted

The president of
the veridian foundation.

That wasn't crazy.
It was deeply funny.

It was kind of cool.
His head made a "boop" sound.
Boop.

After that, we were so pumped
up‐‐and a little dizzy‐‐

That instead of giving
the foundation guy

The money we collected, we drove
down to the girls charity

And gave it all to them.
It was incredibly satisfying.

Until we found out that
collecting donations from people

And then giving them to whoever
you want is a class 2 felony.

Well, look, why don't you just
go back to the foundation guy,

Tell him you got
a little carried away and...

Oh, wait. You booped him.

Ding!
Wah wah!

Have you guys been drinking?
Little bit.

Please, ted.
I can't go to jail.

You have to talk
to that foundation weasel

And ask him very nicely
to let us off the hook.
Screw that.

Tell him we'll see him in court
and then headbutt him.

Headbutt him hard.
Crack that egg.

Okay, I will go try
and straighten this out.

While I'm gone,
I want you two to think

About what you'd rather have
for christmas‐‐

A wind tunnel,
a family of robots or a corpse.

Screw those girls, man. Okay?
You know what? They took

My foundation money and they
gave it to some stupid charity.

Plus, they headbutted me.

And then they poured themselves
a nice little drink.

And then the one
with the bun on her head‐‐

Oh, she stood over me

While she posed
for a picture doing this.

What the hell was that?
You better get the money back

From the charity
or they're going to jail.

Oh, you got a lot of nerve
coming in here,

Asking me to look
the other way, crisp.
Some nerve. Some nerve.

He did not like being headbutted
and then posed over.

Hey. Hey, man. I‐i got your
message. Are you pissed at me?

Yes, billy, I am pissed at you.
I told you that I had a problem

With you selling phil and lem
stuff they didn't need,

And you did it anyway.
No. I‐i held back, okay?

The robot family normally
comes with grandparents,

But they're sitting heartbroken
back at the warehouse.
So I'm supposed to thank
you

For creating a huge mess
instead of a gigantic one?

Well, just say it, ted.
What's your problem?

I have been cleaning up after
you since we were kids, billy.

You bring home a stray possum,
I'm the one that has to walk it,

Which, by the way, is impossible
because they play dead,

And you end up just having to
drag it down the street.

I was gonna train it
to drive a golf cart

So that we could be
on "that's incredible!"

Yeah, but you didn't.
So I'm the one

That ended up with a weird pet
that I have to take to college.

Billy, I am still cleaning up
after you. You can't keep a job.

3,000 Beakers later,
I got you one.

Yeah, which I'm trying
to be good at.

Isn't that what you want?

You know what? I can't
even talk to you right now.

Veronica and linda
are in real trouble

With this jerk
from the veridian foundation,

So now I gotta go clean up
that mess.

And by the way, do you know
how many times

I didn't get laid in college

Because girls don't like getting
hissed at by a jealous possum?

Now i‐i know
it's not customary for‐‐

For charities to give
money back to their donors,

But if you like helping girls,
I know two who would

Really be helped if you returned
all the money they gave to you.

Do you know how crazy you sound
right now, young man?

Crazy or really
on to something?

♪

Well, I just got told
to go screw myself

By a 60‐year‐old woman.

Brought me back
to when I was 10

When I asked grandma
why her house smelled funny.

What are you doing here?
Teddy, you are gonna kiss us.

We got veronica and linda
off the hook.

What?
You said you were having
a problem with that page guy

From the foundation,
so me and these two roughnecks

Thought we'd help you out.
We documented the whole thing.
First we got the corps
e...

Who we named "roger." I know
you said not to name him,

But as you know, we haven't been
listening to you lately.

Then we put the corpse
in the trunk of page's car.

Oh, guys, no, no, no.
Uh, roger did not want
to get in at first.

(Chuckles)
you know, he went all floppy,

Like, "oh, no,
don't put me in there."
Classic roger.

(Billy) then we put a nail
in page's tire

And followed him after work.

Eventually, his tire went flat,
and he pulled over to change it.

(Lem) page went looking
for his spare.

That's when roger
leapt into action.

Page opened the trunk,
and hello, dead guy.
Roger.

Then like a textbook douche,
he did what douches do‐‐

Rather then complicate his life
for a single minute,

He dumped the body
by the side of the road.

Then we followed him
and showed him the pictures.

He agreed it'd be better if they
weren't posted on the internet.
And so he decided

To look the other way
with veronica and linda.

Unbelievable.
Just so you know,
this was our last hurrah.

(Sighs)
lem and I are done being crazy.
I mean, it starts out great‐‐

All pilots and square cheese‐‐
but ends up with you having to

Cut your friend out of
skintight leather pants.

I will not miss those.
Ohh.

So?

Well, what you did was
reckless and wrong.

But...
(Chuckles) it‐‐it worked.

So... Thanks.

(Chuckles) yeah, I mean,
actually, it felt pretty good

To be the guy cleaning up
the mess for a change.

So are we okay?

Yeah. Yeah, we're okay.

(Woman)
the veridian foundation...

Helping the world

Then telling people about it

Makes us feel so good.

The veridian foundation...

Ow!

I miss mugs.

So billy gave up lab equipment.

He's moving to fresno
with the woman

Who cuts the cheese
at the airport lounge.

We'll all be having fun
with that.

And veronica got the pentagon
to finance a study
on how robots tolerate wind.

$3 Million later, it turns out,
they don't notice it.

I appreciate you sticking up
for me with mr. Page.

You're tougher
than I thought, linda.

You're like a fire‐breathing,
razor‐back fawn.

Oh, my god.
This is a fawn.

Oh.

Huh.
Then what was I thinking of?

Oh, a monster.
(Laughs) that was it.

I always confuse those two.