All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2010) - S02E06 - Beating a Dead Workforce_track3_[eng]

♪

Okay, The Bacteria
Are Going For The Bait.

Insert The Nano‐Grenade.

(Plops)

Did It Explode?

(Gasps) Oh, My God.
There's Flagella Everywhere.

What Have We Done?

(Mutters)

Uh, I Took The Back Stairs.
Are There Spiders In My Hair?

I Am Five Seconds Away
From A Total Freak Out.
Relax, Ted.

If You Had Been Bitten By
One Of The Back‐Stair Spiders,

You'd Be
Flopping On The Floor, Deep In
The Throes Of Spider Madness.

Your Hair Is So Perfect.

Man, I Want To Be You.
What? Nothing.

Boom. And All Clear.

So Did You Go The Back Way
To Avoid Ryan,

The Chatty Security Guard?

No. I'm Trying To Create
A Spider Sanctuary In My Hair,

Maybe Get Some Of That
Government Money To Fund My
Head.

Sarcasm‐‐The First Sign
Of Spider Madness.

Yes, I Am Trying To Avoid Ryan.
Every Time I Walk By The Guy,

He Sucks Me Into
A 15‐Minute Conversation.

You Do That Eight Times A Day,
It Adds Up To...

Well, Time I Could Be Working
On My Math Skills.

(Elevator Bell Dings)
(Ted) Ryan Was
A Very Friendly Guy,

Which Was Exactly The Problem.

Hey, Teddy. Notice Anything
Different About Me?
Nope.

I Got A Haircut.
Want To See A Penis?

What? What The Hell's
Wrong With You?

(Laughs) Oh, I See
What You Thought There.

No, No, You Know
My Wife's Pregnant.

Take A Look At This
Ultrasound Picture Of My Son.

Sitting At His Desk All Day,
Ryan Had A Lot Of Time...

(Elevator Bell Dings)
To Think About Things,
Really Stupid Things.

Hey, Ted. You Went To College.
Who Do You Think Would Win

In A Fight Between Santa Claus
And A Shark?

Shark.

Wrong.
Hey, While I Got You Here,

How Are We Ever Gonna Solve
This Middle East Thing?

♪

He Once Sucked Me Into
A 20‐Minute Conversation

About The Colonization Of Mars.

Spoiler Alert‐‐He's For It.
I Don't Want
To Insult The Guy.

If Only There Were
A Nice Way To Say,

"You're Killing Me, You
Energy‐Sucking Time‐Gobbler."

You're Avoiding
A Difficult Situation.

For The First Time,
I Feel Like You And I

May Be Part
Of The Same Species.
Anyway...

Veronica Wants Us Upstairs
To Talk About A Project.

Shall We Slip Out The Back?

We're Not Going Past
The Spiders.

Unless You Let Us Both
Sit On Your Shoulders.
And Then Run.

And Then
We Go Out The Front.
Fine. We'll Go Past Ryan.

Butno Matter What,
We Keep Walking.

If One Of Us Gets Caught,
The Others Don't Come Back.

Unless It's Me.
Come Back For Me.

Hey, Hey.
It's My Three Favorite People.

Don't Engage.
Keep Going. Keep Going.

So My Mom's Back
In The Hospital.

Oh, I'm Sorry To
Hear That, Ryan. Damn It.

Leave Him.
Yeah.

They Just Cannot Find
The Head Of That Parasite.

(Lem And Phil)
Parasite? Damn It.

(Lem, Ted And Phil Sigh)

A Half‐Hour Later,
We Were Finally Upstairs.

I Didn't Tell Phil And Lem

They Were Gonna Be
Working Alone With Veronica

Because They Find Her
A Little Intimidating.

Have A Good Meeting.
What? Where Are You Going?

I'm Not On This One. I Have
Quarterly Budget Reports.

You Guys Will Be Fine.
But‐‐No, Stop. Ted?

Ted? Ted? Ted?
Ted? Ted? Ted?

This Is The First Time
The Guys Are Working

With Veronica Without Me.

It Might Take
A Little Getting Used To.

(Whispering) Ted? Ted?
(Whispering) Ted? Ted?

Ted? Ted?
Ted? Ted?

(Both Stop Rattling Door)

She's Staring At Us...

With Her Eyes.

Oh, You Guys.
You're Making Me Feel Bad.

Come On.
Get Away From The Door.

Get Away From The Door.

What's Up, Veronica?

Okay, First Of All,
You Know You're Holding Hands?

Oh.

Will That Be All?

No.
The Company Finally Realized

The P. A. System In This Building
Needs To Be Fixed.

It Makes Everything
Sound Like That Janitor

That Got Trapped
Inside The Wall.

(Muffled Voice) "Let Me Out.
I'm Not A Ghost."

(Chuckles) We Do Have
A Lot Of Fun Here.

The P. A. Has Been
Causing Problems For Years.

(Feedback Whines)

(Man Speaking In Garbled Voice)

That's Weird.

The Bird Passed Out.

Wake Up,
You Stupid Bird.

Luckily The Effects
Were Temporary.

After A Week Of Vomiting,

Everyone, Even The Bird,
Was Back At Work.

But From Then On,
No One Took Any Chances.

Every Time
They Heard The P. A.,

They Ran
For The Emergency Exits.
(Feedback Whines)

(Woman Speaking
In Garbled Voice)

It's The P. A.!

Run Or We'll All Die!

Aah!

(Woman Screams)

The Constant Evacuations
Are Costing The Company Money.

Plus, Nobody Knew
It Was Fajita Day,

And That Hurt A Lot Of Feelings
In The Cafeteria.

That Explains All Those
Sad People In Sombreros,

Which Is Traditionally
The Happiest Hat In The World.

Well, Next To The Fez.

I Think It Goes Like This‐‐
Sombrero, Fez, Ten‐Gallon‐‐

I Would Like To Unsubscribe From
Whatever You're Doing Right Now.

You Two Need To Design
A New P. A. System,

One That Can Actually
Transmit A Human Voice.

It Needs To Be Wireless

So Executives Can Broadcast
From Anywhere In The Building.

I Suppose We Could Use
The 20 Terahertz Oscillator.

But Doesn't That
Burn Through Flesh?

Not Always.
How About We Use
The 10 Terahertz Oscillator?

10? Yeah. Why Don't We Just
Hop On A Winged Unicorn

And Fly Off To Magic Land?

Bunsen, Beaker, Focus.

This Thing You Do,
With The Science

And The Yammering
And The Unicorns?

That Doesn't Work For Me.

Well, That's Part Of Our
Process To Come Up With I‐‐

Sorry, From Now On
When You Present Ideas To Me,

Only One Of You
Is Allowed To Talk.

But That's Not How We Work.

Exactly. That's Now
How We Work.
Not.

Now.
Not.

Now.

Now, Now, Now, Now,
Now, Now, Now.
Not?

Now, Now, Now, Now,
Now, Now, Now.

We Should Go.

So I'm Thinking About Asking
Security To Reassign Ryan.

Does That Make Me
A Bad Person?

Before You Answer That‐‐
I Just Sponsored

A Political Prisoner
For Amnesty International

And Rescued A Dog
From The Freeway.

His Name Was Sparky.
I Don't Know The Dog's Name.

He Didn't Have A Tag.
I Don't See
What Your Problem Is.

Ryan Is Just A Nice Guy Who
Wants To Get To Know People.

And As My Mom Says,
"Getting To Know People

Is The Best Way
To Get To Know Them."

Is This The Same Woman Who Says,
"You Eat What You Eat"?

Oh. Look, There's Mr. Krebs.

He Walks By Two
Or Three Times A Day.

He's Dull As Toast
But Always Wants To Talk.

Look How I Deal With It,
Or As My Mom Would Say,

"Watch What You Watch
And See What You See."
Mm.

Hi, Linda.
How Are You Today?

I'm Great, Mr. Krebs.
Hey, Did You Ever Figure Out

What's Making That Noise
In Your Car?

Oh, No. For Me,
New Cars Are Like Women.
They Start Making Noise,

I Don't
Know What The Heck
I'm Supposed To Do.
(Laughs) But They're Both Fun

To Take Out For A Spin
Once In A While, Right?
Uh‐Oh. Look Out. (Laughs)

(Laughs) Nice To Talk To You,
Mr. Krebs.

See? You Should Just Accept
People For Who They Are, Ted,

And Embrace Them.

I Can't Stand Who
Phil And Lem Are,

So I'm Changing Them.
I Can't Believe You Two.

Ted's Annoyed By Ryan. You Don't
Like How Phil And Lem Act.

You Both Have To Be
More Tolerant.

Which Would Really Help Me
Right Now,

Because I'm Sure
I Just Crossed A Line.
Maybe Linda's Right.

Maybe She Did
Just Cross A Line.

And She's Also Right
About Your Ryan Problem.

Don't Be A Wuss, Ted.

If Someone's Bothering You,
Change Them.

No, I Didn't Say
Any Of That.

The Version Of Linda You Heard
In Your Head Is Right.

I Shouldn't Be Avoiding This.
I Should Do Something.

Good Job, Linda.
We Brought Him Around.

Look What We Can Do
When We Work Together.
That's Not What I‐‐

I Heard What You Said,
But It Bothered Me,

So I Changed It
Like You Suggested.

♪

(Woman) Friendship...
It's So Important.

But It's Different At Work.

Time Spent With Friends
At Work

Robs Your Employer
Of Productivity,

And Robbing People
Is Wrong.

(Clicks)

♪

(Elevator Bell Dings)

Hey, It's Ted. You Know
A Thing Or Two About Feet.

How Thick Should
A Toenail Be? Specifically‐‐

Whoa. We're Not Doing That.

Uh, Listen, Ryan, I‐I Need To
Talk To You About Something.

Anything You Want, Teddy.
I Love Our Conversations.

Sitting Down Here
Gets So Boring.

Chatting With You Is
The Best Part Of My Day.

All Right.
Show Me Your Damn Feet.

No, No, No. Wait, Wait, Wait.
Look...

I Need You To Dial Down
How Much You Talk To Me.

I Mean, I Like You Ryan.
It's Just, This Is A Place
Of Business, Not A Hair Salon.

Really? You Think
I Talk Too Much?

Well, I Don't Know
About Generally, But To Me?

Oh, My God, Yes.
Wow.
That's Kinda Hard To Hear.

(Ding)
Hi, Honey.
You Ready To Go To Lunch?

I Guess So.

Uh, Ted,
This Is My Wife Sarah.

Oh, My God. The Ted?
Ryan's Told Me So Much
About You.

You've Been
Such A Great Friend‐‐

All The Talks You've Had About
His Mom And My Pregnancy.

Oh, Did You Show Him
Your Toe, Honey?

Does He Know
What That Thing Is?

Ted's An Important Man.
He Doesn't Have Time For My Toe.

Oh, I'm‐‐I'm Not
That Important. (Chuckles)

Oh, I'm Getting
A Phone Call.

My Phone's Vibrating.
It's On Vibrate.

Hello.

Wow, That Is A Big Problem That
Requires My Immediate Attention.

I'll Be Right Up.
(Cell Phone Rings)

Yeah, My Phone's Broken.
(Ring)

It Rings Even Though
It's On Vibrate...

(Ring)
And I'm On The Phone
With You.

(Elevator Bell Dings)
It Was Nice To Meet You.

All Right,
I'm Not Gonna Sit Through

Another Dog And Pony Show,

So Which One Of You Is
Going To Speak, Dog Or Pony?

Well, Phil And I Were Hoping‐‐
Pony It Is. Go.

Right. So... (Clears Throat)
The P. A. System...

Put Your Hands Down.

We're Installing New Speakers
On Every Floor.

Now For An Executive
To Access The System

From Anywhere In The Building,
They'll Wear Two Control Pins‐‐

One For The Mike
And One For The Volume.

Attached Like So...

The Pins Create The Perfect
Acoustic Triangulation.

You Twist This One
To Activate The System

And This One
To Control The Volume.

And What If Those
Two Little Knobs

Were Attached To A Woman?

Do You See How That
Could Be A Problem?

Oh! (Laughs)
(Laughs)

You Should've Said That.
All Right.

You Face The Wall.
You Tell Me This Can Be Fixed.
Uh, Uh, Uh...

(Whistles)

Not A Problem.
(Whistling)

But We'll Need
More Aluminum.
(Whistles)

Titanium.

That's It. We're Done.

And Next Time You Present,

Only One Of You
Is Allowed In My Office.

Now Face Each Other.
(Lem And Phil) Why?

This Is Not
A Good Look For Us.

Maybe It'll Look Less Weird
If I Carry You.

Nope.

So Did You Hear
The Latest Office Gossip?

Ryan The Security Guard
Quit His Job

Because You're
A Giant Douche‐Mobile.

That's Right,
You're A Douche On Wheels

Or Perhaps
A Decorative Sculpture

Hanging Above
A Baby Douche's Crib.

The Gossip Didn't Specify.
Wait, Ryan Quit His Job?

He Stormed Out
Of Here Yesterday.

Of Course, He Stopped
To Tell Everyone He Passed

What Was Going On, So His
Storming Took Most Of The Day.

He Was Actually The Last One
Out Of The Building.

Oh, God. I Feel Awful.
I‐I Didn't Mean To Hurt The Guy.

I Just Wanted
To Change Him A Little.

Well, Maybe I Can
Change Things Back.
(Sighs)

I Gotta Go Find Him.
Well, If You Want
To Get There Fast...

Yes, I'll Take
The Douche‐Mobile.

Why Do I Have To Be The One

To Present This Stupid
P. A. System To Veronica?

Because I Did The Talking
Last Time,

So It's Your Turn
In The Saddle, Cowboy.

Get On That Horse And...

I Don't Know
Any More Cowboy Things.

Wait. Beans.

But I've Never Presented
To Veronica By Myself.
I Know.

Together We're A Thing
Of Beauty, Like A Swan.

But On My Own,
I'll Be Like Half A Swan.

All I'll Do Is Make A Big Mess
And Die.

Gentlemen.

Man We Don't Know.

Whoever You Are, You're Not
Supposed To Be Down Here.

We Have A Lot
Of Top‐Secret Stuff

That No One's Supposed To See.

Okay, We'll Show You
One Thing.
Each.

No, No, I'm Not Here
To Look At Anything.

I'm Just Taking A Roundabout
Route To Avoid Someone.

Is It Ryan? He's Gone.

Moseyed On Outta Here.
Another Cowboy Thing.

I Have More Than I Thought.

Peg Leg.
No, That's Not One.

No, No, No,
It's Some Needy Blonde

Who Talks My Ear Off Every Time
I Walk By Her Cubicle.

She's Obsessed With My Car
And My Wife. Who Cares?

They're Both Small,
Boring And Japanese.

You Know What Might
Brighten Your Day?

A Peek At The Smallest Squirrel
Science Can Make.

But We're Going To Have To Ask
You To Wear A Face Mask.

He's Crazy Easy To Inhale.

(Rings Doorbell)

Oh, Ted.
What Are You Doing Here?

Did My Husband's Talking

Bother You
All The Way Across Town?

Okay, That's Fair. Um,
Actually I Came To Apologize,

Get Him To Come Back To Work,
Maybe Have A Look At That Toe.

I Don't Know The Problem,
But I Stopped By A Pharmacy.

I Bought Everything
That Had A Foot On The Label.
(Ryan) Is That Ted?

Let Him In, 'Cause I Got
Some Things I Want To Say.

(Door Closes)

Hey, Ryan.

Shut Up.
You Talk Too Much, Ted.

How Does That Feel?
'Cause I Don't Care.

You're In My House Now, And I
Can Talk About Whatever I Want,

Like My Heart
And How You Broke It.

I Thought We Were Friends.
Hey, We Are Friends.

Why Else Would I Come Here

And Bring You This Bag Of Stuff
For That‐‐Whoa.

Nothing In This Bag
Is Gonna Help That.

Look, I Know What I Said
Yesterday Was Insensitive.

I Really Want You
To Come Back To Work.

And You Can Talk
As Much As You Want

Or 20% Less Or 30...
It's Up To You.

40, 50, Whatever.

It Means A Lot
That You Would Come Here.

Okay, I'll Come Back.

And I Know Sometimes
I Talk Too Much.

I'm Sorry. But Don't
Give Up On Me, Friend.

Hey, I Am Not Giving Up
On You.

My Water Just Broke.
Well, I Should
Get Out Of Your Way.

Oh, God. It's Happening. Oh,
Man. I Drank Too Much To Drive.

Ted, Can You Take Us
And Film The Birth

And Help Us Name Him
And Cut The Cord?

Yes. Maybe. Benjamin.
And A Big No The Cord.

You Can Present To Veronica.

You're Brave. You're Strong.

Who Opened That Jelly Jar
This Morning, Huh?

Who Kicked That Jar's Ass?

You Did,
You Rugged Son Of A Bitch.

So Hey.
Hey.

You're Kinda Freakin' Everyone
Out. How You Doing In There?

I'm Okay.
Well, Not Great. Pretty Bad.

I Just Lied To Myself About
Opening A Jelly Jar,

Which Is Worrisome.

You're Gonna Be Fine.

I Used To Be Afraid
Of Veronica, Too,

Because She's Scary
And Dangerous,

And Rumor Has It,

She Once Walled Up A Janitor
In Her Office, But You're...

Hey, Why Is Mr. Krebs Taking
The Stairs? He's Got A Bad Leg.

He Said He's Trying

To Avoid Some Needy Blonde
In The Cubical Area.

So Back To Me
And How I'
M Going To Be Fine.

Wait, Was Krebs Talking
About Me?
(Mouths Word)

(Mutters)
I'm Not Needy.
He's The One Who's Needy.

Hey, Krebs.
Where Are You Going?

I'm Not Fine Yet.

You Made Me Worse,
And I Was Already So Bad.

Are You Avoiding Me?
Cl
Early That's Impossible.

I Can't Believe
You Called Me Needy.

You're The One Who's Needy.
You're The One

Who Stops Me To Talk
Every Time I Pass Your Desk.

I Don't Make
Small Talk With You.

You Make Small Talk With Me

Because It Brightens
Your Damn Day.
No, It Doesn't.

Yes, It Does.
It's My Day.
I Think I Know.

Hey, Look, Buddy. I'm Not
The Ryan In This Relationship.

You're The Ryan.
You Talk My Ear Off,

But I Put Up With It Because I
Accept Who You Are‐‐The Ryan.

You Know What? I Just Won't
Be Friendly Anymore.

Fine.
Whatever Keeps You Quiet.

No, I Will Be Friendly
Because That's Who I Am,

And I Love That About Me.
I Don't Care.

I Just Won't Be Friendly
To You.
Good!

You're Mean.
You're Tedious.

You're Rude.
You're Bland.

You're Old.
Are You As Turned On
As I Am Right Now?

No. What? Ew! No.
What's Happening?
You're Not Feeling This‐‐

This Heat That's Finally
Happening Between Us?

No. Barf.

You're A Horrible Man.

And I'm A Friendly Person

Who Never Wants
To Talk To You Again.

Oh. Stop By My Desk
On Your Way Out.

I Made Some Of Those
Butter Cookies Your Wife Likes.

Oh.

Unfortunately Me
And My New Best Friend Ryan

Never Made It To The Hospital.

(Groaning)
That's It. Push, S‐Sarah.

Just Keep Going.
There You Go.

I Don't Even Let My Daughter
Eat In This Car.

(Sarah Screams)

We Have Combined
The P. A. Microphone

And The Volume Knob
Into One Convenient Nipple.

I'm Sorry. Nipple.

I'm Sorry. Nipple.

I'm Sorry.

You're Just A Shivering
Chihuahua, Aren't You?

Actually, This Is Going
Better Than I Had Expected.

I Can't Get This Pin On.
God, This Is Frustrating.

Maybe We Should Have Some Juice.
That Always Calms Me Down.

Here, You Do It.
Me?

No, The Microphone Attaching Elf
Who Lives In My Drawer.

Talking About Drawer Elves

Isn't Going To Make This
Any Less Scary.

Uh...

I'm S‐‐

I'm Sorry.
My Hands Are Very Sweaty.

And I've Never Been This Close
To Your Neck Before,

Which Is The Perfect
Flesh Pedestal For Your Head.

God, I'd Kill A Man
For Some Juice Right Now.

And I'd Like To Unhinge My Jaw
And Swallow You Like A Mouse,

But We Both Have To Work
With What We Have.
Come On. Hurry Up.

Careful.
Don't Stick Me With It.
I've Almost Got It. (Grunts)

Aah! I'm Bleeding.
Get Out! Get Out Now!

(Screaming)

(Woman Screams)

(Footsteps Stampede)

(Tapping Echoes
Over Microphone)

I Guess It Works.

Yes, It's A Huge Improvement
Over The Old System,

Which Made Everybody Panic
And Run Out Of The Building.

You're So Critical.

No Wonder I'm Afraid
To Be Alone With You.

I'm Afraid I'll Say
The Wrong Thing,

Like, "You're So Critical.

No Wonder I'm Afraid
To Be Alone With You."

Wait. Am I Dreaming?
No, Phil, You're Not.

Crap.

♪

(Veronica) I Am Veronica,
Queen Of Veridian.

The Gorilla Habitat Will Be
Closing In 15 Minutes.

I Need A Price Check On Peas.

And Now It's Time
For All The Young People

To Come To The Dance Floor.

Hello, Ted.

Hello, Crazy Lady Talking To
An Empty Building.

Where Is Everybody?

If Corporate Calls,
I'm Going With "It's Saturday."

Well, I've Had
An Eventful Day.

Turns Out, I Should Not Have
Tried To Change Ryan, But I Did.

Now My Car Looks Like Someone
Made Wine In The Backseat.

And Trying To Change
Phil And Lem

Was Even More Irritating
Than Just Leaving Them Alone.

I Scared Everyone
Out Of The Building

And I Got Stabbed In The Neck.

Although I Did
Get To Watch Phil Run.

He Was Like An Ostrich
In A Lab Coat

Trying To Catch A Bus.

And I Saw The Beautiful
Miracle Of Birth...
Mm.

And The Less‐Beautiful
Expulsion Of Afterbirth.

Maybe My Kindergarten Teacher
Was Right.

Maybe I Am Too Controlling.
Ah, Probably.

But I Am Certainly Not
Gonna Try To Change You.

Thank You.

It's Lonely Always Knowing
What's Best.

I Know, Right?

Well, We've Got Each Other.

And That Reminds Me
Of A Special Song

From A Simpler Time.

♪ They Say Our Love
Won't Pay The Rent ♪

Not Doing It.

♪ Before It's Earned,
Our Money's All Been Spent ♪

Not Doing It.

♪ Well, I Don't Know
If All That's True ♪

(Ted) ♪ But You Got Me
And, Baby, I Got You ♪

(Ted And Veronica) ♪ Babe ♪

♪ I Got You, Babe ♪

♪ I Got You, Babe ♪

♪ I Got You, Babe ♪