All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2009) - S02E03 - Battle of the Bulbs_track3_[eng]

媻

The Potential For A Long‐Lasting
Lightbulb Is Enormous.

In A Recent Study,
People's Desire To See Things

Ranked Third,
Right After Hitting Things

And Trying To Have Sex
With Things.

And If People Could...
(Whispering) Hey!
That's My Doughnut!

(Whispering)
Shut Up. Ted's Talking.

By Leveling The Current, We Have
Increased Bulb Life By 38%.

This Is The Greatest Leap
In Bulb Technology Since...
Hey!

Shh.
Interesting Fact‐‐
The Original Lightbulb Shape

Was Patterned
Off Edison's Neighbor,

Whose Head Was
Hideously Enormous.

This Bulb Lasts So Long,
It Will Be Giving Off Light

Well After You're Dead.

Gentlemen, When You Fight
Like That, Manhood Weeps.

Nice Work, Ted. You've Made
A Super Long‐Lasting Lightbulb.

And Since That's The Name
Of This Project,

Your Instincts Are Spot‐On.

Thank You, Everybody.

The Company's
Gonna Love This.

And I Can't Get Enough
Of The Company's Love.

Maybe You And The Company
Should Spend A Weekend

In Wine Country Together, Share
A Couple Of Bottles One Evening,

Maybe Convince It
Not To Wear Panties To Dinner.

You Should Jump On That,
Ted,

Before The Crazy
Outweighs The Hot.

So There's A Famous Theoretical
Physicist

Named Stella Clifton Giving A
Lecture Tonight.

She's On The Company's Radar,
And I'd Like For You

To Go Talk To Her
About Coming To Work Here.

I'd Emphasize
The Salary She'd Make

And Downplay The Way
We Treat People.

I'm Sorry.
I Couldn't Help But Overhear.

Hiring Stella Clifton
Would Be A Huge Mistake.

She's Arrogant, Super Critical

And Hangs Her Wet Bras
On Everything.

I Mean, That's The Buzz
In The Physics Chat Rooms.

Stella Clifton Is Lem's Mom.
He Doesn't Want People To Know

Because He's Always Felt
Overshadowed By Her.

So You're Saying
We Have An In?

I'm Saying, Can't We Just
Let This One Go?

It Wouldn't Be
The First Time

We Didn't Hire
A Brilliant Scientist

Because Someone At The Company
Would Be Upset.

Remember Bob Hitler?

No, I Forgot
The Scientist Named Hitler.

Okay, Fine.
We Won't Go After Lem's Mom.

But This Would Be Easier
To Sell Upstairs

If Someone Named Clifton Had
Bombed The Hell Out Of London.

Good Morning, Phil.

You're Late.

Were You Up Watching
That Documentary On Moss?

Can You Believe How Much
That Stuff Likes Shade?

It Just Goes Nuts.

No, I Was Up Because My Mom
Was Having Sex With Some Guy.

Ohh.
Either That, Or They Were
Using Her Bed To Hammer

A Very Stubborn Nail
Into The Wall.

It's Not Right
The Way She Treats You.

She's So Inconsiderate.
She's Like Rhodesian Wet Moss.

That Stuff Doesn't Give A Damn
Who It Hurts.

(Singsong Voice) Good Morning!
I Had Sex Last Night.

(Normal Voice) That's Right‐‐
Dirty, Sloppy Sex.

Truly, Gentlemen,
My Hips Were A Blur.

I Went To
The Stella Clifton Lecture,

And Afterwards We Started
To Chat And Hit It Off.

So We Went To A Bar‐‐
Tell Me You Met Another Woman
There And Went Home With Her
.

I Did Meet Another Woman.
(Phil And Lem Exhale Deeply)

But She Wasn't Interested,
So I Went Home

With Stella Clifton
And Porked Her All Night.

Oh, God! Oh, God!
(Whimpers) Oh, God!

Yeah, She Sounded
Just Like That.

(Whimpers)

I Had A Great Idea.
You Should Have Come In Here

Holding That Bulb Over Your Head
So I Could Tell.

Yesterday I Was In My Cubicle,
And A Fly Got Caught In My Lamp,

And It Started To Cook.
That's Not Really An Idea.

That's More Of
An Unpleasant Anecdote

Or A Cautionary Tale For Flies.
No, The Bulb Kept Giving Off
This Putrid Smell,

So I Sprayed Perfume On It.

And Then Today
When I Turned My Lamp On,

My Whole Cubicle Smelled Pretty.
And So I Thought,

Bing! We Should Develop A Line
Of Scented Lightbulbs.

Uh...

And React Positively.

Okay, Um...

You Hate It. (Sighs)

All I Ever Do
Is Test Other People's Ideas.

I Was So Excited To Finally
Come Up With One Of My Own.

But You're Right.
It's Stupid.

I Should Die
Like A Lightbulb Fly.

No, It's Not Stupid. It's Just,
I Have Spent Years Developing

This Long‐Lasting Bulb,
And I Don't Want

To Distract The Company
With A Different One.

Not To Oversell It, But Mine
Will Save The World,

And Then Veridian
Will Change Its Name

To Ted's Awesome
Lightbulb Company.

Perfect.
Now I Can Tell My Joke.

How Many Product Testers Does
It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Ted Hated My Idea.

No. Seven.

The End Still Needs Work.
I Told Ted An Idea I Had
For A Scented Lightbulb,

But He Didn't Think
We Should Do It.

Hmm. I Think A Scented Lightbulb
Is A Good Idea.

Really? You Think
It's Worth Pursuing?

No, I Don't.
Oh.

I'm Kidding. I Like It.

You Do?
No... Oh..

Seriously, I Like It.
Okay, What Are We Doing Now?

I'm Showing You That You Care
Too Much What People Think.

Successful People
Don't Do That, Linda.

You've Gotta Be Confident.
You've Got A Good Idea,

And You Shouldn't Let
Anyone Stop You.

You Really Think
It's A Good Idea?

No, I Don't.
Well, I Do.

Finally! And That's Why
It Takes Seven Product Testers

To Change A Lightbulb.

So I Took Linda's Idea
For Scented Lightbulbs

Upstairs To Chet,
And He Loved It.

Really?

Wow.

You Went Over My Head
On This?

No. I‐I Just Went Out Your Door
And
Ran Into Veronica.

Then She Went
Over Your Head.

The Company Sees This
As A Whole New Way

To Market Lightbulbs
To Women.

And Since You Thought Of
The Idea And You're A Woman,

Even Though Your
Shoes
Argue Otherwise,

The Company Wants You To Co‐Run
The Project With Ted.

That's Fantastic.

Ted, Are You Okay With This?
Please Be Okay With This.

It Would Be So Exciting
If We Could Work Together

On A Project That
I Came Up With. (Chuckles)

Of Course.

Yeah, I'm‐‐
I'm Looking Forward To It.
Ah.

It Is Going To Be‐‐
Oh, And Your Lightbulb Project
Is Dead.

Fantastic.

Mommy?

Hello, Sweetheart. How Was
Your Day At The Crap Factory?

You Know, Sometimes I Feel
Like You Judge What I Do.
I'm Not Judging You.

I Just Weighed
The Empirical Evidence

And Came To
An Objective Conclusion‐‐

You're Wasting Your Talent.

It's Like Jackson Pollock
Painting Cars For $99.95.

Listen...

I Wanted To Talk
To You About Dr. Bhamba.

My New Lover?
(Groans) Yes.

It's Just, You Two Dating

Is Making It Awkward
For Me At Work.

Heaven Forbid
I've Slowed Production

Of The Latest
Worthless Gadget.

What Will People Do
Without A Helmet

That Feeds Them Cheeseburgers

Or A Remote Control
For Their Underpants?

We're Not Making
A Cheeseburger Helmet.

They Pulled The Plug

After It Fed One Of
The Test Subjects To Death.

I'm Sorry, Lem, But I'm
Not Giving Up My Bhamba.

He's A Very Special Man.

Look. This Robe Is So Short,
If I Were A Bell,

You Could Almost See
My Clapper.

(Laughs)

I'm Never Calling You Daddy.
Never, Never!

Okay, I Am Happy For Linda.

Yay, Linda.

But The Long‐Lasting Bulb
Is Important To Me.

And Taking My Feelings
Completely Out Of It,

It Is Way Better Than
Linda's Dumb, Smelly Bulb.

Ted, Ted, Ted.
I See What's Going On Here.

You're Worried That After Years
Of The Company Adoring You,

A Shiny, New Linda
Has Come Along,

And They May Not Have Enough
Love For Both Of You.

(Chuckles) I Am Not
Worried About That.

Did They Say
That's What's Happening?

I Know What
You're Going Through.

When My Little Sister
Came Along, I Was Very Jealous.

That Feeling Never Went Away‐‐
Even When She Was Older,

And I Put Testosterone
In Her Orange Juice

So She Became Hairy
And Unlovable

And Got Kicked Off
The Gymnastics Team For Doping.

Oh, My God!

I Was Not
A Perfect Child, Ted.

My Parents Only Had
So Much Love,

And I Got It,
And Monkey Girl Didn't.

Anyway, Don't Be Like That.

(Laughter)
(Man) Whoo!

Ow!

(Laughter Continuing)

Maybe Bhamba's
Not Talking About Your Mom.

Maybe He's Talking
About The Time

He Won That Hula‐Hoop
Competition.

And That's How I Won
The Hula‐Hoop Competition...

(Exhales)

And Developed The Pelvic Stamina
To Satisfy The Sexual Desires

Of The Famous
Dr. Stella Clifton.
(Men Talking Indistinctly)

I Can't Believe Your Mom
Is Doing This To You.

She's Really Not
Going To Stop Seeing Bhamba?

Nope. I Spent My Whole Life
Trying Not To Be

Just The Son Of The Famous
Stella Clifton,

And Now That's All Anyone's
Going To Be Talking About.

Hey, It's Stella Clifton's Son!
Welcome To Veridian.

We Expect Great Things
From You.

I've Been Working Here
For 11 Years.

(Chuckles)
Oh, I Doubt That.

Great To Have You Aboard.

(Ted) Okay, Everybody's Here.

Okay! Everybody's Here.

I Know You're Co‐Leading This,
But That Doesn't Mean

Just Repeating What I Say.
Maybe You're Repeating
What Isay

Just Before I Get
A Chance To Say It.

Okay, Linda, Why Don't You
Take The Meeting?

All Right, I Will.
Ted, Bring Us Up To Speed.

All Right. First Of All,
Let's Talk About A Timeline.
Timeline, People.

Because Some Of Us Who Have
Never Run A Project Before

May Not Realize It Can Take
Years To Go From An Idea

To A Workable Prototype.
Am I Right, Fellas?

Absolutely.

See?

But In This Case, The Concept
Was So Elegantly Simple

That We Banged One Out
This Morning.
(Sniffs)

Interesting.

So Then I Would Be
Safe To Say... Ha.

(Scoffs) Please. Your Bulb
Smells Like Pumpkin Pie.

Mine Would Have
Slowed Climate Change.

But I Guess
When The Ice Caps Melt,

We Will Need Something That
Smells Good To Cover Up

The Stench Of All
The Dead Polar Bears.

Boys, How Long Would It Take
To Develop New Technology

So That Ted Can
Go Screw Himself?

Mm, We're Not Prepared
To Address‐‐

(Lowered Voice) Don't Talk.
This Isn't About Us.

Look... I Think
It's Gonna Be Impossible

For Us To Co‐Lead
These Meetings.

Can't Take A Little Heat,
Like Your Precious Polar Bears?

Wait. How Did I Get On The Crazy
Side Of Climate Change?

There She Is.

Linda, You Remember
My Boss Chet?

You Better Watch Out
For This One, Ted.

She Could Be The New Ted,
A Super Sweet‐Smelling Ted.

Oh, That's Just My Bulbs,
Sir.

Hey‐O!
Very Funny, Chet.

You Tiptoed Right Up To The Line
But Didn't Cross It.

Yeah. Oh, She's A Sharp One.
Watch Your Back, Stud.

Hey! (Chuckles) Once Again,
Sir, Right Up To The Line.

This Project
Is Going To Be Great.

I Hope So, Sir.

What Do You Mean,
You Hope So?

Nothing. I‐I Just Hope
Everything Goes Well.

Why Wouldn't It?
Is There A Problem, Veronica?

Not At All.
It's A Home Run.

Linda Was Just Doing A Funny
Character She's Been Working On.

It's A Product Tester
Whose Lack Of Confidence

Traps Her In A Sad Cubicle
Where She Dies Old And Alone

Without Ever Owning
A Decent Purse.

Well, As Long As She
Never Does It Again,

I Don't See The Harm.

(Chuckles)

There's A Meeting
On Your Project

Tomorrow Night
With The Department Heads.

If You Want To Be In The Game,
You're Gonna Have To Show

A Lot More Confidence
Than You Just Did.

I Love That One.
I Hate That One,

And Bring Me Chicken
For Lunch.

What Were Those?

I Have No Idea, But Did You
See How Confident I Was?

So Confident,
I'm Getting Chicken.

Now You Try It.

What Do I Tell Him To Do?
It Doesn't Matter.
Just Make Sure He Does It.

Lose The Tie, Hippie.

What?
What's Wrong With My Tie?

Are You Questioning Me?
Oh, That's Rich.

I Said Lose It!

And Bring Me A Chicken.

Very Nicely Done.

Today, We Feast On Chicken,

Although You May Be
Getting A Live One.

Why Are You Looking Up
My Mother's Facebook Page?

I'm Going To Find Her,
Seduce Her,

And Make Sensitive
Yet Vigorous Love To Her.

Well, That's The One Thing
We Haven't Tried

To Get Her Out Of The Coma.

Maybe I Could Save You
Three Very Weird Minutes.

Things Between Your Mother And I
Have Hit A Rough Patch.
Oh, No.

What Do I Do With That World's
Greatest Stepdad Coffee Mug

I Got For You?

Guess I Have To Take It Back
To The Sarcasm Store.

It's Just,
Stella Is So Intelligent,

I'm Starting To Feel
Like An Idiot Around Her.

I Know What You Mean.
She's Always Reminding Me

That While She's Unlocking
The Secrets Of The Universe,

I'm Trying To Design A Toaster
That Can Handle A Pizza Bagel.

That Would Be A Boon
To Both Jews And Italians.

You're A Very Good Scientist,
Lem.

You Shouldn't Feel
Inferior To Your Mother.
Well, Neither Should You.

Your Breakthroughs
In Weapons Technology

Have Made Warfare
Exponentially More Horrifying.

Well,
I Don't Know About That.

It Takes A Village
To Kill A Village.

I Wonder, If Only
There Were A Way

To Show Your Mother We're
Intellectually Worthy Of Her.

Well, I'm Out Of Ideas.

I Helped Put A Satellite
Into Orbit When I Was 11,

But It Wasn't
"Geosynchronous,"

So She Wouldn't Even Look Up
When It Went Over Our House.

We're Both Smart.
Maybe If We Work Together,

We Could Do Something
To Impress Her‐‐

Like A Bagel Toaster
That Tracks Down Enemies

And Burns Them Evenly
On Both Sides.

No, Not That.
Or Something
She Would Appreciate‐‐

Something Theoretical,

With No Practical Application
Whatsoever.
Yes!

Just To Be Clear,
It Has To Be Science, Right?

Not Just A Great Dance Move
Or Something?

Come On. One Great Idea.

Lightbulbs That... Taste Good.

No, That Sucks! I Suck.

No Wonder The Company's
Gone Off Me.

So "Suck" Is Okay
To Say Now?

'Cause I Have Some Thoughts
About The Lunch

You Packed Me Today.
I'm Sorry, Honey.
I'm Just A Little Frustrated.

I'm Trying
To Figure Out Something

The Company
Would Really Appreciate.

Well, Why Don't You Just Ask
The Company What It Wants?

I Always Like It On My Birthday
When You Ask Me What I Want.

Well, The Company
Doesn't Know What It...

Stella Clifton. That's It.

That's What They Want.
I'll Get Them Stella Clifton.

Mwah! Thank You, Honey.

If You Think About It,

It's Not Hard To Figure Out
What People Want,

Especially If They Tell You
Over And Over Again.

We're Not Getting
A Motorcycle With A Sidecar.

It's Just Not Practical.
We'll See.

What's 4 Plus 8?

I Don't Know.
A Triangle?

I'm Very Tired.

What Is All This?

We've Been Up All Night Trying
To Earn My Mother's Respect

By Solving
Clifton's Unfinished Equation,

Which, As The Name Implies,
She's Been Unable To Finish.

Lem, You Shouldn't Have To
Prove Anything To Your Mom.

You're Great,
And If She Can't See That,

Then She Is An Insensitive Idiot

Who Happens To Be Hot And Sexy.
Phil!

I Am Still A Man.

(Elevator Bell Dings)

Are You Ready For The Meeting?
We Have To Cancel.

Ted's Disappeared,
And I Just Found Out,

If You Leave The Scented Bulbs
On For Three Days,

It Smells Like Rotting Meat.

Linda, Listen To Yourself.
Those Are Just Facts,

And Facts Are Just Opinions,
And Opinions Can Be Wrong.

The Only Thing That Is
Never Wrong Is Confidence.

But‐‐
No Buts.
I Brought This Upstairs,

And Your Failure
Will Be My Failure.

You Can Do This.
I Know You Can.

Now Get In There
And Run That Meeting

Like A Shark
Driving An Assault Vehicle

Through A Herd Of Seals
Wearing Chum Pants.

I'll Do It.

And So With Aromas Ranging From
Zucchini Bread To Fresh Laundry,

The Scented Lightbulb
Has Zero Downside.

I Heard That
After A Couple Of Days,

The Bulb Stinks
Like Rotting Meat.

Then You, Sir,

Are The Stupidest Man
Who's Ever Lived.

What?

What?

I'm An Executive
Who Says, "What?"

What Are You, 2? You're The One
Who Smells Like Rotting Meat.

(Whispers) Finish Him.
Oh, My God.
You're Jealous Of The Lightbulb.

That's What This Is About.
You Hate Light And Smell.

What In The Name Of God
Did Your Parents Do To You?

Saunders, Take Your
Weird, Emotional Issues

And Get Out.

(Whispers) Sorry.

(Lowered Voice)
No Weakness.

(Normal Voice) Anyone Else
Hear Any Stupid Rumors

About My Lightbulb?

Come On, Bring It.

(Ted) So I Took
Stella Clifton To Dinner

To Convince Her
To Come Work For Veridian.

And I Brought Phil Along
In Case The Conversation

Got All Science‐Y On Me.

If You Join
The Veridian Team,

You Would Have Access To
Unmatched Scientific Resources,

From Hydro‐Percolation
Nongravitational Calibrators

To Executives Who Only Know
The Name Of One Cool Thing

But Will Stay Out Of Your Way.

I've Always Felt That When
Science Is Seduced By Commerce,

Scientists Become
Intellectual Prostitutes‐‐

Mind Sluts, Brain Whores.

Well, We Don't Have
To Pay You. (Chuckles)

Uh, So, Phil,
You've Been A Little Quiet.

Why Don't You Tell
Dr. Clifton What You Like

About Working At Veridian?

(Swallows) Ahh.

You're A Bitch.

And There's A Gym,
Which Has A Little Juice Bar.

Who Needs To Exercise At A Gym

When You've Got Your Son's Ego
To Beat Up On?

Phillip Myman,
If I Am A Little Hard On Lem,

It's Because I'm Helping Him
By Pointing Out

Potential Areas
For Improvement.

When Ted Asked Me
To Come Tonight,

I Agreed For One Reason‐‐

To Tell You That Your Son
Is A Great Guy

And A Brilliant Scientist,
And If You Don't Want Him

To Go Through Life Feeling
Like Crap About Himself,

You Should Tell Him You're
Proud Of Him Once In A While.

Okay, This Is My Fault.

I Should Not Have Let Phil
Have His Own Grown‐Up Drink.
And You.

You're So Desperate To Score
Points With The Company,

You're Trying To Hire
This Hot, Sexy Woman

Even Though You Know
It Would Destroy Lem.

Yes, I Think You're Sexy.

Yes, I Don't Have
A Lot Of Grown‐Up Drinks,

And, Yes,
I Wish I Had A Third Yes.

And, Yes, I Don't.

(Knock On Door)

Hey.

Ted. What A Surprise.

You Missed
A Good Meeting Today.

I Lied In A Loud Voice
And Then Crushed The Spirit

Of The Only Honest Man
In The Room.

Listen...
(Closes Door)

I Want To Help You
With Your Lightbulb,

And I Mean Really
Help You This Time,

Not Get All Pissy
And Competitive.

Why? Linda Wonders
Suspiciously.

'Cause I Realized Tonight That
Chasing The Company's Approval

Has Turned Me Into A Childish,
Approval‐Chasing Butt‐Head.

Those Were Phil's Words
When I Drove Him Home.

He Also Accused Me
Of Being Blurry And Spinny.

Well, I Haven't Behaved
Perfectly Either,

Linda Says Contritely.

Why Are You Talking
Like That?

Because It Makes It Easier
For Me To Say I'm Sorry.

Even Though I Have M
Ostly
Contempt For The Company,

It Still Felt Nice When They
Patted Me On The Head.

And That Made Me Act
All Gloaty,

Linda Explained
Explanatorily.

Well, It's Okay,

Ted Said, Using His Mouth.
(Chuckles)

I'm Glad We Don't Talk Like This
All The Time, He Added.

(Laughs)

That Can't Be A 7,
Or The Sky Would Be Green.

Mom. What Brings You To
The Place Where, As You Say,

"Science Bends Over
And Grabs Its Ankles"?

I Just Wanted To See
What My Son Was Up To.

Why Are You Wasting Your Time
Working On My Stuff?

Why Don't You Show Me
What You're Working On?

Because You're Gonna
Think It's Stupid.
I Won't.

Popcorn That Pops
From The Heat In Your Mouth.

Huh.

It's Pretty Cool, Actually.

(Corn Popping)

(Mouth Full)
I Think I Put Too Much In.

(Spits)

Can I Try One?
(Normal Voice) Are You Sure?

It's Fresh
From The Crap Factory.

(Pops)

(Laughs) I Like It.

Really?

I'm Sorry I Never
Looked Up At Your Satellite.

It's Okay. It's Coming
Around Again In 2015.

It's A Date.
You Bring The Popcorn.

Crocodiles!

Oh! I Was Having A Dream.

The Only Thing I Remember Was
A Curious Lack Of Crocodiles,

And So I Began
To Call Out For Them.

Oh. Stella.

Look At The Boards.

See How Smart I Am?
I Taped Three Of Them Together.

Who Cares If You're Smart?
You're Great In The Sack.

Really?

Ugh.

Eventually,
Working Together,

Linda And I Found A Solution
To Her Stinking Bulb Problem.

I Just Wanted To Say
Thanks For Mentoring Me,

But I Can't Keep Faking
The Crazy‐Confident Thing.

It's Making Me More Crazy
Than Confident.

That's Fine, Linda.

You Are Weak And So Will
Never Be A Threat To Me.

That's Perhaps
Your Greatest Quality.

And I Realized That
Whether It's A Giant,

Multinational Company
Or Your Own Mother,

You Should Never Chase
Someone Else's Approval.

Hey, Ted, I Heard You Pitched In
On The Lightbulb. Nice Work.

Really? You Think So?
God, That Felt Good.

(Camera Shutter Clicks)