All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2009) - S02E01 - Love Blurts_track3_[eng]

At Veridian Dynamics,

Scientific Research
Is Second To None.

Unfortunately, It Seems
Sometimes That Research

Is Conducted On
The People Who Work Here.

What's All This?

The Company Posted A List
Of Single Employees They Think

Should Date Each Other Based
On Genetic Compatibility.

Yep, That Sounds About Right.

"Wheee... Love Is In The Air."

Well, Gee, Genetic Engineering
Is Romantic.

That's Why It's So Often
Used As A Prom Theme.

They're Only Helping
Hook Up The Single People.

Once Again, The Marrieds
Don't Get To Date.

We Just Have To Go Home
To Our Cold, Not‐Empty Beds.

Phil, Just Because
They Used The Word "Wheee"

Doesn't Mean
It's A Good Thing.

Remember "Wheee!
It's Pension Rollbacks"?
Oh, Actually That Was Fun...

Until They Rolled Back
Our Pensions.

So, Veronica,
The Company Wants

Genetically Compatible
Employees To Pair Up?

Is This The First Step

In Trying To Breed
Somebody Tall Enough

To Change That Lightbulb
In The Lobby?

Why Do You Always Think
There's Some Dark Motive

Behind Everything
The Company Does?

Did A Corporation
Once Touch You In A Place

That Made You Uncomfortable?
When They Rolled Back
My Pension,

I Definitely Felt It
Between The Cheeks.

Okay, Fine. This Whole Thing
Is About Money.

Happy Now, Mr. Cynical?

Well, Technically,
Mr. Cynical Can't Be Happy.

It's His Power And His Curse.

The Company Has
Thousands Of Employees,

And Every Year, Hundreds
Get Married And Have Babies.

If Veridian Can Ensure
The Breeding Couple

Is Genetically Compatible,
The Company Will Save

A Huge Amount Of Money On
Health Care For Their Offspring.

So To Save Money,
The Company's Getting Involved

In People's Sex Lives?
They May Regret That,

Like When They Tried To Replace
Food In The Cafeteria With Those
Nutrition Pellets

Unlike Eating Those Pellets,
This Is Not A Mandate.

Anything That Starts
With The Word "Wheee"

Is Just A Fun Suggestion‐‐

Like The Constitution
And "Wheee" The People.

This Sucks. Having My Name
On That Dating Board

Is Like Announcing To The Whole
Floor, "Ooh, Look At Linda.

What A Loser.
She's So Single And Alonely."

Alone. Not Lonely. I'm Fine.
I Know.
The Whole Thing Is Crazy.

Who Does The Company
Think It Is,

Telling Us Who To Boff?
This Is America.

We Fought The British
Over Our Right To Boff.

They Wanted Us To Shag.

Ugh, I'm Not Even Gonna
Look At That Stupid List.

Good. Me Neither.

They Don't Think
We're Compatible.

I Know. I Saw That.
The Thing Is,

If I Don't Do It,
Everyone Else Is Gonna Hook Up,

And Then I'll Look Alonely.
Again. I'm Fine.

Well, I'm Not Doing It.
So We Both Won't Do It.

Good. It's A Deal.
They Can Take Our Loneliness

When They Pry It
From Our Cold, Sad Hands.

Is That The Super‐Fast‐Growing
Moss For The Nasa Project?

Yes. I Left The Lid
Off The Containment Vessel,

And It Spread Everywhere.
We'd Better Make It
Less Aggressive.

It's Supposed
To Feed Astronauts,

Not Feed On The Astronauts.
(Beep)

I've Been Called Up
To Veronica's Office

So I Can Listen
To Her Yell At Me

About Violating
Containment Procedures.

Hey, The Company
Sent Me An E‐Mail

About The Genetic Matchmaking.

Looks Like They Didn't Forget
The Married People After All.

"Congratulations, Dr. Myman.
Based On Your D. N. A.,

The Company Is Offering You
A Free..."

Double Clicking...
"Vasectomy"?

Why Doesn't The Company
Want Me To Reproduce?
Sorry, Phil,

I Can't Think About Your
Reproductive System Right Now.

I Have To Go See Veronica,
And My Own Reproductive System

Has Retreated Like A Turtle's
Head Up Into My Abdomen.

(Knock On Door)

You Wanted To See Me?

Yes, Lem, I Want To Talk
To You About Your Sperm.

I‐I'm Sorry. It Got Out
Of Its Containment Vessel,

And It's Extremely Aggressive.
Wait. Did You Say My‐‐

Sperm, Yes.
I Want To Freeze Yours.

It Turns Out You And I
Are The Two

Most Genetically Compatible
People In The Entire Company.

And While Right Now I'm Neither
Interested In Raising A Child

Nor In Playing Landlord For Nine
Months To A Parasitic Organism,

I Just Want To Keep
My Options Open.

(Chuckles)
You Want To Have My Baby?

Well, Using Your D. N. A.
Would Only Be My Plan "E,"

Behind Fall In Love
And Breed, Clone,

Take One Of My Sister's Kids

Or Rip Out The Whole Works
And Sail Around The World.

Well, You Would Look Good
On The Deck Of The Right Ship‐‐

Tanned, Wind In Your Hair,
No Ovaries.

You Have
Outstanding Genes, Lem,

Too Good For A Gal To Pass Up.

Your Mother Is
A World‐Class Scientist.

Your Father Was
The First Male Supermodel.

I Did My Research.
Boy, This Is A Lot To Take In.

Excellent. Then It's Settled.
What?

There's A Man Waiting
For You With A Cup

On The Eighth Floor
To Take Your Sample.

Just Make Sure
It's The Right Man.

Ugh. I Know I Sound Like
A Stand‐Up Comic,

But Don't You Hate It
When Someone Puts

Half A Yogurt
Back In The Fridge?

Yes, And What Is The Deal
With Airline Food?

Why Don't They
Serve
It Anymore?
Hi, I'm Danielle.

The Company Feels Very Strongly
That We Should, "Wheee..."

Have Unprotected Sex
With Each Other.
Oh, You're That Danielle.

You're‐‐ You're On
My Compatibility List.

Yes, Apparently We Would Make
Very Cheap, Durable Children.
I Know. It's Ridic
Ulous.

I Mean, Just Because Your D.N.A.
Matches Mine Doesn't Mean

You're Gonna Like Pink's Chili
Dogs Or That Your Favorite Movie

Is "Caddyshack."
I'm Not Hitting On You,

But My Favorite Movie
Is "Caddyshack,"

And If Pink's Chili Dogs
Were On A List,

I Would Date Them.
Huh.

But, Uh,
The List Is Stupid, Right?
Oh, Absolutely.

So We Definitely Should Not
Do What It Says And Date.

Yeah, Although
My Cousin Is Stupid,

And He Once Had
A Good Suggestion.
Hmm.

Excuse Me. Are You Linda?

Yes.
Okay, I'm Greg.

Uh, You're Number One
On My Compatibility List.
Oh, Damn It.

What?
You're Good‐Looking.

Yeah, It Bums Me Out, Too.
Thanks A Lot, God.

No, It's Just, I'm Not Dating
Off That Stupid List.

A Friend And I
Made A Deal Not To.

We Can't Let The Company
Breed Us Like Golden Retrievers

Or We'll All End Up
With Weak Hips And Kennel Cough.

Yeah. I Didn't Want
To Do It Either,

But Then I Saw You,
And Next Thing I Knew,

I'm Standing Here
Wanting To Get To Know You.

Oh, Crap.
You're Charming, Too.

Just Get Out.

Ted, We Need Your Help.

Guys, I'm In The Middle Of‐‐
Veronica's Demanding My Sperm.

And The Company Wants To Turn
My Testicles Into Twin Hermits

With No Conduit
To The Outside World.

This Is Out Of
My Area Of Expertise,

So I Will Just See You
Later Tonight.

That's Nice Work, Fellas.

You Know,
That's Why It Wasn't Called

"Romeo And Juliet
And Lem And Phil."

So What Is Going On?

Me First. Veronica And I
Are A Perfect Genetic Match,

So She Wants
To Bank My D. N. A.

But I Don't Want
To Have Children.

I'm A Dangerous Bad Boy.
No, You're Not.

Shut Up, Phil.
It's Not Your Turn Yet.

Plus, I Don't Want Veronica
To Be The Mother Of My Children.

I Might Like My Children,

And She's The Least Maternal
Person I Have Ever Known.
(Sighs)

So Lem Needs You
To Talk To Veronica
And Tell Her To Back Off

Because He Is A Coward.
Whew. Now Me.

Phil Wants You To Find Out
Why The Company

Doesn't Want Any More Phils
In The World.

Oh, And He's Also A Coward.

I Tried To Get My Medical
Records From The Company,

But They Say
They're Confidential

And Can Only Be Released
To Other Insurance Companies,

Pharmaceutical Reps,
Suppliers Of Medical Equipment

And For Some Reason,
The R. N. C.

Okay, Guys, Relax.
I Will Take Care Of It.

I Will Talk To Veronica. I Will
Get You Your Medical Records.

And Then Tonight, I Will Rescue
A Young, Beautiful Lady

From A Tedless Existence.
Now Back To Work.

This Is Why We Draw Pictures
Of Him As A Superhero.

He Must Never Know
About Aqua‐Ted.

I Did It. I Stuck To Our Pact,
And I Stood On Principle.

It Was Really Hard,
But I Turned Down

This Really Good‐Looking,
Charming Guy Who...

Why Are You
Backing Away From Me?

What Did You Do, Crisp?

(Linda)
You Son Of A Bitch!

Get Out Of My Way.
Excuse Me. Move, Please.

Move!

Hi, Greg.
Does Tonight Work For You?

Lem.

Oh! I've Just Gotta...

(Mutters)

(Water Running)

Ted Tells Me You Don't Want Me
To Have Your Baby,

And I Shouldn't Talk
To You About It

Because It Will
Make You Uncomfortable.

Is That True?
No, You Never Make Me
Uncomfortable.

Why Would He Say That?

"I'm Dying To Do It"
Is What He Should Have Said.

Good. Then Get Up
To The Eighth Floor

By 5:00 Tomorrow.

Oh, As Long As I'm Here,
What's Going On

With The Edible Moss Project?

Well, We Hit A Little Setback,
And Now I'm Peeing.
Please.

I'm Not Interested In All
The Little Details Of Your Life.

The Nasa Guys
Are Coming Tomorrow.

Just Make Sure I Have
Something To Show Them.
Yeah.

Then I Came To Veridian
Four Years Ago.

I Like The People,

But Sometimes
The Company Makes Me Feel

So Small And‐‐
And Unimportant.

Oh, Man.
I Can Totally Relate To That.

I Used To Steal Creamer
Out Of The Coffee Room.

I Didn't Even Use It. I Just
Wanted To Stand Up For Myself

And Say Hey, I'm Here. You Don't
Control Everything I Do.

That Is Awesome.
I Totally Get That.

I Have My Own Little Way
Of Acting Out.
Really?

Yeah.
What Is It?

No, You're Gonna
Think It's Strange.

Oh, Come On.
I Told You My Thing.

All Right.
Uh, Twice A Week After Work,

I Put On A Totally Realistic
Bear Costume

And Hang Out In The Park.

You What Now?

Yeah, It Makes Me
Feel Powerful, Mighty.

I Don't Scare Anyone.

I Sit In The Bushes,
Root Around For Berries.

(Chuckles)
Once I Pushed On A Camper‐‐

You Know,
Just Bear Kind Of Stuff.

I Think That's Great.

(Ted) My Date With Danielle
Was Fantastic‐‐

Really Fantastic,
Right Up Until...

I Love You.

I Just Blurted It Out.
Good God.

You Told A Woman You Loved Her
On The First Date?

That Is So Needy.
I Know. In The Blink Of An Eye,
I Went From Sexy To Psychopath
.

It's Just, I Hadn't Been
With A Woman In A While.

It Was Something I Used
To Say To My Wife.

You Should Always Limit
What You Say During Sex

To Moaning
And Helpful Tips.

So Did She Say
"I Love You" Back,

Or Were You The Only Crazy One
In The Bed?
No, It Was Just Me.

But I Covered For It, Although I
Don't Know If I Made It Better.

(Exhales)
(Chuckles)

I Love You... Tah.

You Love Utah?

Very Much.

Why Would You Say You Love Utah
At This Particular Moment?

It's‐‐It's Just, Uh,

Utah, It's A Very
Spiritual Place For Me.

Oh.
I Go There In My Head Sometimes
During Special Moments...

Sex, Birth Of My Child. I've
Even Yelled It At Ball Games.

Oh. Uh...
(Stammers) Why Utah?

Because...
I'm From There.

You Are?

Most Of My Family
Is From Utah.

Yeah. Salt Lake City.
Where Are You From?

Not Salt Lake City.

I'm From...

I Don't Remember The Name.

You Don't Remember The Name
Of Where You're From?

Not The English Name.

What Other Name Is There?

The Indian Name.

Ha‐Ho‐Wee‐Chay‐Ah.

I‐I Blanked. I Couldn't Think
Of The Name Of A City In Utah.

She Used Up The Good One.
Provo, Park City, Moab,
Castleville, Cedar City...

It's Easy To Play "Jeopardy!"
When You're At Home

In Your Living Room
With All Your Clothes On.

Ogden, Fruit Heights, Goshen,
Mayfield, Lewiston...

All Right, I Get It.
You Know Utah.
You Mean The Beehive State?

Anyway, Once I Started Lying,
There Was No Going Back.

Before I Knew It,
I Had Made Up This Whole Story

About My Childhood Growing Up
On An Indian Reservation.

Oh, Ted.

Wow, Your Grandfather Sounds
Like Such A Proud Man...

Yeah.
Trying To Keep
Your Culture Alive.

Hey, Hey, What's Your Word
For Grandfather?

Hachula‐Wa‐Ooh‐Shnee.

But If You Put The Accent
On The First Syllable,

That Means "Goat,"

Which Is Why
We No Longer Eat Goat.

(Chuckles)

(Whispers)
What Am I Doing?

The Thing Is, I Want
To Keep Seeing Danielle.

I Really Like Her.
What's Not To Like?

She's Gullible And Slept
With You On The First Date.

If Her Mom's Not Fat,
I'd Say Throw A Ring On It.

I'm Gonna Tell Her
The Truth, But First,

I Need To Spend Time With Her,
You Know, Just‐‐Just Being Me.

Then When I Come Clean,
This Will All Be

Just That Funny Story
About Our First Date.
Yes, Ted, Maybe Yours

Will Be The One Indian Story
That Ends Happily.

Listen, I Still Haven't
Seen Any Edible Moss,

And Nasa's Coming
This Afternoon.

Go Light A Fire
Under Your Nerds.

I Don't Know Where They Are,

But I'm Sure
You're An Excellent Tracker.
(Mutters)

Hey, Ted‐Edict Arnold.

How Did Your Date Go
With Danielle?

Good. Really Well.
Oh, Just Really Well?

My Date With Greg Went
Really, Really Well, So...

Ted.
Danielle. Hey, You Want To
Maybe Grab Some Lunch Later?

Yeah, That Sounds Great.
Oh, Wait, Wait, Wait.

How Do You Say "Lunch"
In Your Language?

Oh, That Doesn't Have To Be
Our Thing, Does It?

Oh, Come On. It's Such
A Beautiful Language.

It's, Um, Gin‐Yi‐Ay‐

Akay‐Wan‐Jin.

Okay Then. Until
Gin‐Yi‐Ay‐Akay‐Wan‐Jin.

(Muzak Playing)

You Have Your Own Language?

It's Not Mine.
I Share It With My People.

And You Have A People.

She Thinks I'm An Indian.
(Ding)

Oh, Goodness.

Hey, Linda.

Hey.

I Had A Really,
Really Good Time Last Night.

Me, Too. I Told You So.
Uh, This Is Ted.

He Likes To Pretend
He's An Indian.

Oh, Cool.
You Ever Pretend To Stalk

Totally Realistic‐Looking
Large Animals?

(Laughs) That's Funny.
You're Adorable.

Yeah? Then Why Don't We
Go Out Again Tonight?

(Voice Breaks) Okay.
(Ding)

Ooh, Maybe We Can Go
To The Park.

Phil, I'm Having A Bad Day.

Tell Me You're Almost Done
With The Edible Moss Project.

Sorry, Ted. I Am Actively
Disappointing You.

I'm Researching My Family Tree
To Find Out Why Veridian

Doesn't Want Any More Mymans
In The World.

Oh, Yeah, That. I Tried To Get
Your Medical Records,

And The Company
Won't Release 'Em.
I Have My Answer Anyway.

Turns Out The Entire Myman
Family Line Is Worthless.

We Have Been Hated
Throughout History.

The English Hunted
Mymans For Sport.

The French Used Us
As Building Materials.

The Russians Had
An Expression‐‐

"As Useless
As A Stack Of Mymans."

Well, What About This
Medieval Sect Of Warriors?

"The Screaming Mymans"‐‐
That Sound Promising.

They Weren't Warriors.

The Crusaders Launched
My Ancestors Over Castle Walls

As Ammunition.
Oh, Good, You're Here.

I Need You To Tell Veronica
That I Don't Want To Give Her

My Baby Ingredients.
I Already Did.

But Then I Untold Her.
I'm So Weak.

How Can I Ever Look
My Sperm In The Eye?

At Least You Didn't Lie To Your
Sperm About Being An Indian.

No, I Did Not.
But Once When I Was A Teenager,

I Did Abandon It
At A Bus Stop.

We Have A Scientist Problem.

God. I Can't Wait Until They
Invent Their Own Replacements.

Phil Is Freaking Out. He Needs
To See His Medical Records.

Yeah, I Noticed He Was
Acting A Little Odd Earlier.

(Crying)

(Muzak Playing)

Did You Know That "Turd"

Comes From The Gaelic Word
For Myman?

Shh. I Love This Song.

(Cries)

And You Gotta Back Off Lem.

What's Going On With You
And This Baby Thing, Anyway?

I Don't Know. My Stupid Sister
Just Popped Out Another One.
Ah.

And I Held It,
And It Smelled Really Good.

It Was Soft And Squishy,
And For The Briefest Second,

I Didn't Want To Give It Back.

Part Of That Was Because

I Don't Like My Sister
Having Things I Don't Have.

But Part Of It
Was Something Else.

Well, If That's What You Want,
It'll Happen For You Someday.

But Right Now,
If You Want Lem's Moss,

You Gotta Back Off His Sauce.
Hmm.

Hey, Danielle.
You Ready For Lunch?

We Could Go To Pink's,
Grab Some Chili Dogs.

This Tie Is Ready
For Retirement.

And I Hate This Dress.
Let's Do It.

Hey, Ted. Do You Know If That's
A Fresh Pot Of Aw‐Kay‐How?

Hi, I'm Linda. Ted's An Indian.
That's His Word For Coffee.

He Taught Me His Language.

Lakota Wa‐Glacka
Oh‐Oosby Wack‐A‐Toonia.

I Just Asked Him
What He's Doing This Weekend.

And He Says, In His Language...

Wigloka Netu‐Aken. Ley Wah.

Eh Caso Kah.

Pilo‐Maya.

Really? Tennis Again?
I'm Sorry, I Interrupted You.

Please Finish
What You Were Saying.

He‐Ah.

Danielle's?

He‐Ah?

No, They Look
Totally Real To Me.

Were You Two Just Talking
About My‐‐
No! No, No.

See, The Thing Is,
Um, In My Language,

The Word For Tennis Ball
Is The Same As...

Ah, Screw It.
I'm Not An Indian.

I‐I Lied
About The Whole Thing.

Wait. W‐What? You Lied?

Why‐‐Why Would You Do That?

Because I Accidentally Said
"I Love You" On Our First Date.

I‐I Didn't Want You
To Think I Was Needy.

It‐‐It Just Slipped Out.
But If You Think About It,

It's About The Sweetest Thing
A Guy Can Say.

I Mean, Isn't That
Why We're All Here‐‐Love?

Wait, Wait, Stop.
The Headline Here Is You Lied.

Yeah.

Plus, Now I Feel Like
An Idiot For Believing

Anyone's Word For Horse
Could Be "Climpety‐Clompety."

I'm Sorry. I Love You!
Aah! What Is Wrong With Me?

Hello. I'm Philip Myman.

I'm Here
For My Free Vasectomy.

I Believe I Am Also Entitled
To A Complimentary Windbreaker.

We're Out Of Windbreakers.
Would You Like A Sports Bottle?

No, I Got The Sports Bottle When
They Rolled Back My Pension.

Phil, This Is Crazy.

Just Because Veronica Tells You
To Get Your Ass Up Here

Doesn't Mean You Have
To Go Through With This.

She Can't Have Your Things,
And She Can't Take My Stuff.

She Would Make A Horrible Mom,
And When She Gets Here,

I'm Going To Tell Her...
I'm Ready.

Relax. I Talked To Ted.
You're Off The Hook.
Ted's A Liar.

Let's Just Get This Surgery
Over With.

Then Maybe You'll Take Me Out
And Buy Me A Smoothie.
We're Not Here For Surgery
.

I Need To See Phil Myman's
Medical Records.

Oh, Good. You Have Them Out.
Give Them To Me.

I'm Sorry, Ma'am. These Records
Are Strictly Confidential.
This Is My Scientist
,

And You Are Making Him
Very Unhappy.

And I Can't Have Him Unhappy.

So You Give Me That File,

Because If I Have To Come
Back There And Get It Myself,

Then You're Gonna Be Unhappy.
Do You Understand?

Ma'am, I Can't.

Excellent.
I Was Hoping You'd Say That,

Because I Haven't Gone
Balls‐Out Crazy In A Long Time,

And It's My Favorite
Kind Of Crazy.

(Lowered Voice) Wow. Look How
Fierce And Protective She Is.

This Must Be
How A Baby Lion Feels

When Its Mom Yells
At A Receptionist

To Get Its Medical Records.

So Now It Looks Like
We Have Ourselves A Race.

Can You Lock That Door
Before I Can Get Through It?

You Feeling Lucky?
Huh, Receptionist?

Run! I'm All Bluff.

Seeing Veronica Being
So Protective Of Phil

Made Lem Realize She Did
Have Maternal Instincts,

And That Would Make Her
A Great Mom.

Veronica, Here's A Cup Of
My Sperm. You've Earned It.

Lem, You Remember
The Guys From Nasa?

Gentlemen.

And After Looking
At His Medical Records,

Phil Was Relieved To Find Out
The Real Reason

The Company Didn't Want Him
To Reproduce.

My Sperm Count
Is Off The Charts!

I'm So Prolific,
The Amount Of Kids I Could Have

Would Cost Them A Fortune
In Health Care.

The Mymans Weren't Useless.
They Were Just Plentiful.

Your People Are Like The Edible
Space Moss Of The Human Race.

And I Realized, I Haven't Been
With A Lot Of Women

Since My Wife,
So Maybe I Am A Little Needy,

And I Need To Get Out More‐‐
A Lot More,

And Learn About Utah,
Just In Case.

Hey, Ted. Pilo‐Maya.

That Means I'm Sorry
I Messed Things Up For You

With Danielle,
But I Was Pissed

You Dated Someone
From That Stupid List

When We Had A Deal
We Wouldn't.

But Ruining Your Love Life
Was A Douchey Thing To Do.

Pilo‐Maya‐‐A Simple Word
For A Complex Idea.

Oh, That's Okay. Hey, I'm
The One Who Lied To Danielle.

But At Least You Got
Something Promising

Going With That Greg Guy.
Yeah, About That.

Last Night,
Animal Control Shot Him

With A Tranquilizer
In The Park.
What?

Yeah, He Was Kind Of
Dressed As A Bear

And Pushing On A Van
With Some Teenagers In It.
Wow.

Who Would Have Guessed
It Would Be A Bad Idea

To Let A Giant Corporation's
Financial Agenda

Dictate Who We Date?
Yeah, Well,
I Guess You And Danielle

Sure Learned That Lesson
The Hard Way.