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1
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Veridian Dynamics is one of the most
successful companies in the world.
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00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,868
To make it here,
you have to be very competitive.
3
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:13,378
Some compete to see
who has the biggest rocket.
4
00:00:15,548 --> 00:00:18,381
Others compete to see who can be the fastest.
5
00:00:19,986 --> 00:00:22,546
But no one's more competitive
than me and Veronica.
6
00:00:22,622 --> 00:00:24,920
- Race you to the elevator?
- Feeling lucky?
7
00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:29,928
Ha!
8
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,893
But it's that drive to win that
keeps us at the top of our game.
9
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:41,573
I win!
10
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:44,906
This is the most fun anyone has ever had
with hypodermic needles.
11
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:48,311
It's not over yet. It's still wobbling.
And it can't come out for at least a minute.
12
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:50,315
Same rules as for losing your virginity.
13
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:52,476
Would you two say that
you are overly concerned...
14
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:55,783
with the outrageous
prices of store-bought wrapping paper?
15
00:00:55,855 --> 00:01:00,087
Yes. We're so concerned,
we need to be alone right now.
16
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,027
My daughter is selling wrapping paper to
raise money for her school.
17
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:05,826
Whoever sells the most
wins a trip to Disneyland.
18
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:09,801
Second place gets to cry
while Rose and I go to Disneyland.
19
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:11,803
Uh, Phil will take 10 rolls.
20
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,634
- What?
- You heard him.
21
00:01:13,706 --> 00:01:16,140
I'd leave now before he changes his mind.
22
00:01:16,209 --> 00:01:18,541
And Lem, I'll also put you down for 10.
23
00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:21,637
One for each time I told you
not to play the needle game.
24
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,753
Ted knows everything we do.
25
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:31,552
He's like a god,
only it hurts more when he judges us.
26
00:01:31,624 --> 00:01:34,787
Hey, do you guys have the specs
for the solar powered ovens?
27
00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:46,796
- I hate coming down here.
- Sorry.
28
00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:50,501
- Ah.
- Don't worry.
29
00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:52,477
We only play the clean needle game
with clean needles.
30
00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:54,740
Here's a Band-Aid.
31
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,175
And there's your lady shoulder.
32
00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:03,579
Just bring the specs to my desk.
33
00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:07,683
I'll be the one hoping I never hear
the term "lady shoulder" ever again.
34
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,729
Wait.
35
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,731
I thought we used the last
of the Band-Aids...
36
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:16,235
when you wanted to see
what I'd look like with a mustache.
37
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:20,204
These aren't Band-Aids.
This is that experimental energy patch.
38
00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:22,366
We just drugged Linda.
39
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:24,376
I owe you an apology, Phil.
40
00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:27,208
When we set out to make an energy patch
look exactly like a Band-Aid...
41
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:28,941
I said it couldn't be done.
42
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:32,109
- I was wrong.
- We should tell her.
43
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:35,780
Or... we don't tell her
so she doesn't get mad at us again.
44
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:38,551
- I like where this is going.
- What going? That's it. It went.
45
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:42,459
Yeah. She's just
gonna have a little extra energy.
46
00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:45,623
Why trouble her with something
that might force her to yell at us again?
47
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:47,893
We're doing her a favor.
That's what's happening here.
48
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:51,300
- So we're even.
- Even? She owes us.
49
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,972
As you all know, we've been working on
Veridian's new solar powered ovens.
50
00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:01,809
We've had a great amount
of success with it so far.
51
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:05,009
If you guys will take a look at the chart.
52
00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:07,109
We're working on a contract
for solar powered ovens...
53
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:11,487
which the military plans to air-drop
into remote villages as a goodwill gesture.
54
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:14,823
It'll be the only thing the military drops
that doesn't kill people.
55
00:03:14,894 --> 00:03:17,055
- The problem is-
- It kills people.
56
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:20,998
The plastic we're using
leaches toxins into food.
57
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:24,662
However, the toxins are only released
when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
58
00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:27,103
Which is the only time solar ovens work.
59
00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:30,734
Some days it seems like
everything we do leaches toxins.
60
00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,971
Well, luckily it can be fixed.
61
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,014
Of course it can! We can do anything!
62
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:37,777
Because this is the greatest scientific
team that's ever been assembled!
63
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:42,653
Let's do it!
64
00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:49,255
- Where's she going?
- To "do it"?
65
00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:51,263
Huh.
66
00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:55,324
Anyway, the solar ovens can be fixed by
using a more expensive material.
67
00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:59,360
Now the plastic in our bomb casings
is completely harmless.
68
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:02,602
Well, it's nice to know people can safely
eat off our unexploded bombs.
69
00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:04,609
Thank you, everyone.
70
00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:08,113
Hang on! We have another problem.
71
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,479
- Is this about the wrapping paper?
- No.
72
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:12,711
This is about a little girl's dream...
73
00:04:12,785 --> 00:04:14,719
to sell the most wrapping paper.
74
00:04:14,787 --> 00:04:19,349
A dream that is now being challenged by
some insanely competitive girl named Cynthia.
75
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,724
Did you ever stop to think that maybe
you're the insanely competitive one?
76
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:27,797
Let me rephrase that.
I'd like five more rolls, please.
77
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:32,429
Ted, since the military doesn't usually pay more
for something that kills fewer people...
78
00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:34,769
I need you to butter up General McMillan
over dinner...
79
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,502
and get some extra money
out of him.
80
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:39,636
Oh, man. Can't we just hope
they don't look at the invoice?
81
00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:41,839
Come on.
The general respects you, Ted.
82
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:44,747
Your experience, your charm,
the whole package-
83
00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:47,149
Oh, and your package.
84
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:56,420
Always enjoy doing business with you, Ted.
85
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,662
Look, I like the general.
And I like gay people.
86
00:05:06,739 --> 00:05:08,673
- Done.
- Wait.
87
00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:11,403
I just don't think it's right to flirt
for the sake of a deal.
88
00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:14,935
Besides, he's so grabby.
I mean, whatever happened to romance?
89
00:05:16,549 --> 00:05:19,541
What if I were to help you sell
your daughter's precious toilet paper?
90
00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:21,109
It's wrapping paper.
91
00:05:21,187 --> 00:05:23,553
It's not my fault
I don't listen when you talk.
92
00:05:23,623 --> 00:05:25,454
But fine, whatever.
I can sell anything, Ted.
93
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,755
I once sold a guy on having
dinner with a grabby general...
94
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,761
to help his daughter win a contest.
95
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,456
Really? Who?
96
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:34,091
- Because I haven't agreed to that yet.
- You will.
97
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,136
You're that competitive.
98
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:39,137
Fine! It's a deal.
99
00:05:39,205 --> 00:05:41,435
If Rose wins,
I will have dinner with the general.
100
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:45,500
But if he tries that Lady and the Tramp
spaghetti thing again, I'm out of there.
101
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,239
Mmm.
102
00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:55,987
We need our Band-Aid back.
103
00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:57,989
What? That's gross.
Why do you want it back?
104
00:05:58,057 --> 00:05:59,991
- Because it's ours.
- Yeah.
105
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:02,050
We were just loaning it to you.
106
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:05,757
Okay, you can have it back.
But you gotta catch me first.
107
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,198
- Ooh!
- I-
108
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:20,108
Got it!
109
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:29,951
So I sold 50 rolls.
110
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:33,150
Veronica sold... 20 rolls.
111
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,956
And you sold...
112
00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:37,928
six.
113
00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:40,124
I only know, like, three grown-ups.
114
00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:43,657
You know, you're kind of a freak
about competition, Dad.
115
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,727
Competition's important, honey.
116
00:06:45,805 --> 00:06:47,966
It motivates people to do their very best.
117
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,908
Besides, you won't be calling me a freak when
I'm wearing my Pluto hat, spinning in a teacup.
118
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:57,106
Wait a minute. This Cynthia character's
sold 15 more rolls than us.
119
00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:58,844
Who is this girl?
120
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:02,445
She's new. You can click on her name
to find out more about her.
121
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:05,514
Let's do that. If you want to crush
your competition, which I-
122
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:09,527
we do, you want to get to know
everything about them.
123
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,893
How they think,
what their interests are...
124
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:15,792
what kind of wheelchair
they're confined to.
125
00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,169
Veridian Dynamics.
126
00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:25,074
Competition.
Whether it's animals...
127
00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:28,545
or this old woman and baby
fighting to the death...
128
00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:31,808
competition makes us stronger.
129
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:34,717
In business, that means better products-
130
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,051
pills that look like candy...
131
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,250
hands that can shoot lightning...
132
00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:42,886
and a new generation
ofhurricane-proof dogs.
133
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,726
Veridian Dynamics.
134
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:49,666
Competition.
It makes everything better.
135
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,977
We have a problem.
136
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:02,344
Cynthia, our competition in the
wrapping paper contest, is in a wheelchair.
137
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:05,612
Ooh, yeah, that is a problem.
138
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:09,621
It gives her a huge competitive advantage.
We're gonna have to step it up.
139
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:15,252
Wait. You don't think competing all-out
against a girl who's disabled is wrong?
140
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:19,287
Wrong? How should I know what's wrong?
I'm not some Greek philosopher.
141
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:22,528
- What does Rose think?
- Oh, she's no help.
142
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:25,969
- I taught her everyone should be treated equally.
- Then treat everyone equally.
143
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:28,632
You're not supposed to really do that.
You're just supposed to teach it.
144
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:33,111
Ted, you're a competitor. You want to win.
You just need to hear it's okay.
145
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,613
No, I don't. But it is, right?
146
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:38,741
Yes. We should treat this Cynthia
equally and beat the-
147
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,548
- Does she wear pants?
- I think so.
148
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,384
Then let's beat them off her.
149
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:47,756
Wait. You just want Rose to win so that
I'll go have dinner with General McMillan.
150
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,022
God. It's like
you're obsessed with the guy.
151
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:54,089
Ted, you've gotta focus. This is about
selling solar ovens, not your love life.
152
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:02,072
Linda's crying.
153
00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:04,166
Well, we got the patch off her.
So we're good.
154
00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:06,370
Still, she's crying, and we like her.
155
00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:09,312
So we should see what's wrong.
156
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:16,315
Hey, Linda. What's wrong?
157
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,825
TheJewish people have had such
a tumultuous history.
158
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:22,520
And yet they were still able
to give us this-
159
00:09:22,595 --> 00:09:24,529
The everything bagel.
160
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:27,157
It's all you'd ever want in one bagel.
161
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:30,031
I love it.
162
00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:32,036
And the chosen people who created it.
163
00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:39,043
- Oh! I have been so emotional lately.
- Well, maybe it's just-
164
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:41,545
Why don't you shut up and
stop trying to analyze me?
165
00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:48,951
Do you think wildly erratic emotions could
be a residual effect of the energy patch?
166
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:51,046
Hard to tell. This is the problem...
167
00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:54,615
when the company will only pay for testing
on drunk frat guys.
168
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:58,095
- So what do we do?
- I don't know.
169
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:00,997
We could just stand here without a plan.
170
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:04,195
I like where this is going.
171
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:08,536
- I can give you six rolls for five dollars a roll.
- Whoa! That's crazy.
172
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,542
Why, that's well below
the current wholesale price.
173
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,670
Too late. She promised.
I'm getting my checkbook.
174
00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:16,915
We work well together. Like Batman and-
175
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,213
- I'm Batman.
- Well, it was my idea. I think-
176
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,378
I'm Batman. And Robin!
177
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,388
Hi, guys!
178
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,016
Hi, best looking woman in the company,
possibly the universe!
179
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:28,424
Hello, person who clearly wants
something from me.
180
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:30,291
I do want something from you.
181
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,729
I want to know
how you got to be so freakin' awesome.
182
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,926
Look at you. You got it all going on.
183
00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:38,027
You're an incredibly powerful woman.
184
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:41,938
You are so pretty. And your calves-
185
00:10:42,008 --> 00:10:44,203
They're like granite wrapped in silk.
186
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,176
Is everything okay, Linda?
187
00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:50,773
You just said a whole bunch of stuff, any one
of which would be disturbing on its own.
188
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:53,250
Disturbing?
189
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,085
Well, maybe you wouldn't find me disturbing
if I was more like Veronica. Look at me.
190
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,023
I'm more like Veronica.
I'm tilting my head curiously.
191
00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:02,560
I once left the ladies' room
without washing my hands.
192
00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:04,562
That's right. I saw you.
193
00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:07,929
Clearly she's lost her mind. I wouldn't believe
a word she said- past that calf thing.
194
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,299
Hey. There's something we hoped
we'd never have to tell you.
195
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:14,862
You know when you accidentally dose someone,
like with an experimental energy patch...
196
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:16,874
and you hope they'll
sit quietly at their desks...
197
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:19,570
but instead they wander around,
drawing unnecessary attention to themselves?
198
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:21,772
We've done something
eerily similar to that.
199
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:26,045
What?
You boneheads dosed me? I could kill you!
200
00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:28,951
But then I would miss you so much.
201
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:31,455
Based on the dose she received,
we're confident...
202
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,685
the effects should wear off
within the next 24 hours.
203
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:36,159
Thank you for your attention
and forgiveness.
204
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,458
Stop. Turn back.
205
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,330
Dosing an employee is a serious offense.
206
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:45,336
"I'm Veronica. I'm so serious.
And I have pee-pee on my hands. "
207
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:47,269
I wash my hands, you drugged-up fruitcake.
208
00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:49,000
Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.
209
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,407
"Okay. Here's what's gonna happen. "
210
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:55,675
First, we're gonna cut you a lot of slack and hope
you don't say something that gets you fired.
211
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:58,148
Second, Phil and Lem, you're not
gonna let Linda out of your sight...
212
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:01,084
until she's completely back to normal.
213
00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:04,088
"Look at me. I'm Linda.
I'm making fun of everyone. "
214
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:06,283
Hey.
215
00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:10,258
Oh, good. You're still awake.
216
00:12:10,329 --> 00:12:12,991
Crazy day. But...
217
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,090
Veronica and I sold
so much wrapping paper...
218
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:17,101
not only are you going to Disneyland...
219
00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:19,364
but Mickey's gonna be
wearing your ears on his head.
220
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:22,700
Oh, wait. That's a horrifying image.
221
00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:26,472
Everyone at school hates me
because I'm beating the disabled girl.
222
00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:30,481
But everybody's equal.
We don't see disabled people.
223
00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:32,710
Well, we see them. We just don't care.
224
00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:35,652
Well, we care.
We just don't treat them differently.
225
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:37,382
Well, they do have their own parking.
226
00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:40,823
Cynthia's had a really hard life,
and everyone else is letting her win.
227
00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:44,693
If I win, everyone's
gonna be so mad at me...
228
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:47,130
I won't be able to go to school anymore.
229
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:50,896
Can we not win, Daddy? Please?
230
00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:53,666
I know it's hard for you.
231
00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:58,199
No, it's okay.
We'll let Cynthia win. Come on.
232
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,144
Mickey will wear her ears.
233
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:05,479
Thank you, Daddy.
Could I sleep with the light on tonight?
234
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:07,712
- It was the ear thing, wasn't it?
- Little bit.
235
00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:17,761
These cookies are inedible.
236
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:21,322
- I made cookies!
- You made cookies an hour ago.
237
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,027
Eat them!
238
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,204
This is so much fun, having a sleepover!
239
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:28,763
Well, Ted wanted us
to keep an eye on you...
240
00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:31,605
and when we tried to take you
to my house, you bit me.
241
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:33,338
So here we are.
242
00:13:33,412 --> 00:13:35,505
There's a penny in this cookie.
243
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:38,345
Just eat it! Eat it!
Don't get her mad again.
244
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:42,251
There's that baby again.
245
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:44,687
It cries every night!
246
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:48,887
- Babies do that.
- Not tonight they don't. This ends now!
247
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:51,088
Linda, you can't hurt a baby!
248
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,222
Well, you can hurt them.
They're not indestructible.
249
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:55,233
I meant it's morally indefensible.
250
00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:58,793
- Well, what if the baby killed a man?
- You and your moral puzzles.
251
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:00,930
I just love 'em.
252
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,808
Answer the door, baby!
253
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:06,208
I know you're in there!
I can hear you crying!
254
00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:12,307
Linda, what's going on?
Why are you yelling at Stella?
255
00:14:12,384 --> 00:14:15,182
Stay out of this, Kathy.
This is between me and the baby.
256
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:18,451
Who is just the cutest thing in the world.
257
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,617
Oh, my God. Look at you.
258
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,787
Hi, Stella.
Can I hold her? Please?
259
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,956
I don't think that's a good idea.
260
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:30,195
So you're saying under no circumstances
would you harm the baby Hitler?
261
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,499
Hey, fellas. Look what I got.
262
00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:34,766
A baby. I'm naming her Ted.
263
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:39,510
This is exactly the type of thing
the other Ted wanted us to prevent.
264
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:42,809
Linda? Linda!
265
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:48,119
The next morning, I told Veronica...
266
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:51,122
that we had to let Cynthia
win the wrapping paper contest.
267
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:53,283
She took it better than expected.
268
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:56,795
You're soft and weak, Ted, like a geisha.
269
00:14:56,862 --> 00:15:01,356
Rose is being teased at school. She's far more
important to me than a wrapping paper contest.
270
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:03,492
If she wants me to stop selling,
I'm stopping.
271
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,503
Fine, quit. I don't give a crap.
272
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,766
So, when are you having dinner
with the general?
273
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,774
I'm not.
274
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:13,437
Because technically I only had to do that
if Rose won the trip to Disneyland.
275
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:17,039
If she's not gonna have a magical
experience, neither is the general.
276
00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:21,815
Well, if Rose has to win for you to have that dinner,
then I'm gonna make sure Rose wins.
277
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:24,720
- And I'm gonna make sure she loses.
- Then it is on.
278
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:27,554
It'll be like two great
heavyweights going toe to toe.
279
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:31,118
And I'm Ali... and Frazier... and Foreman!
280
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:37,461
Sure. I could've just agreed to have dinner
with the general to end this thing.
281
00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:39,470
But I know I can beat Veronica.
282
00:15:39,538 --> 00:15:42,632
At the company picnic,
I beat her in a three-legged race...
283
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:45,802
although we both lost to
something Lem and Phil created in the lab.
284
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:49,370
I don't get it. Why do you need to
buy back all the wrapping paper?
285
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:52,008
Because it's dangerous, Mindy.
It's a choking hazard.
286
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:56,180
It's made of lead, and prolonged exposure
could cause violent incontinence.
287
00:15:56,255 --> 00:16:00,385
It could stain your hands, stunt your growth
and cause testicular desiccation.
288
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,859
Hoof and mouth, dry mouth, trench mouth.
289
00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:05,988
And if you hold it up to the light,
you can see Santa's penis.
290
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:11,429
- Ted.
- What? What's coming?
291
00:16:11,503 --> 00:16:14,233
Relax. I'm okay now. The effects wore off.
292
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:17,036
Unfortunately, it was several hours
after I stole a baby.
293
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:19,100
- You stole a baby?
- Only for a few seconds.
294
00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:22,511
Turns out just because you write your name
on something, doesn't mean you get to keep it.
295
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,776
Yeah. I think babies have to be notarized.
296
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,410
Wait. Weren't Lem and Phil
supposed to be watching you?
297
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:30,182
Yeah. There's a lot of things
those guys don't do well-
298
00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:34,351
watch me, not dose me,
stop me before I write my name on a baby!
299
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:37,259
I'm so pissed at them. I want payback.
300
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,695
"Oh, I'm Linda. I want payback. "
301
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:44,098
That's my payback.
302
00:16:45,604 --> 00:16:48,664
I got the wrapping paper back
from half the people I sold it to.
303
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,835
The other half were willing
to risk their lives to see Santa's junk.
304
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,811
That's Rose.
305
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,543
Congratulations, loser. What?
306
00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:00,551
What do you mean you're way ahead?
307
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:02,553
Lonny, prepare to cash in your pension...
308
00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:05,715
because I have an exciting
new investment opportunity.
309
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,986
They're called derivatives,
and you can't lose.
310
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,824
Multiple buyers owe a balance of
payments on their gift wrap.
311
00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:15,890
And so you buy shares of pooled debt,
generating long-term dividends with minimal risk.
312
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,902
That's how I bought my house.
I'm in.
313
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,996
Damn, she's good.
314
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,744
Veronica has been busy all afternoon.
315
00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:32,341
She wasn't just gonna hand me my ass.
She was gonna hand it to me gift-wrapped.
316
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:35,819
Analysts project that wrapping paper sales
are going to improve.
317
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:40,325
So if you buy futures now with the option
to sell later, you can anticipate a robust return.
318
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,860
- Veronica, what are you doing?
- I'm sorry, Ted.
319
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:46,364
I've put Rose so far ahead,
there's no way anyone can catch her.
320
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:49,833
Although there's a three percent
chance she could end up in jail.
321
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,268
Fine. You win.
322
00:17:52,337 --> 00:17:55,465
I like when that happens.
And it happens a lot.
323
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:01,507
Rose was gonna be upset Cynthia didn't win.
324
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,514
I wasn't thrilled either,
because it meant...
325
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,573
I had to have a lovely dinner
with the general...
326
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:08,119
to convince him to pay more
for the solar ovens.
327
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:10,815
A body like a young Mark Spitz.
328
00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:15,686
Well, thank you, General.
I can't hear that enough.
329
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,991
Although five times
is getting pretty close.
330
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:22,400
So, let's talk business.
331
00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:24,493
I think we can go an additional
10 cents per unit.
332
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:28,131
Really? That-That's terrific.
333
00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:31,802
- You're a handsome man, Ted.
- Thank you.
334
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:34,641
I hope that's not inappropriate
for me to say. It's just a fact.
335
00:18:34,713 --> 00:18:38,581
Everybody's so damn touchy nowadays,
I never know what the rules are.
336
00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:41,909
Time was all we had to do
was kill people.
337
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:44,387
Now we have to leave them
with parting gifts.
338
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:47,482
Parting gifts. Huh.
339
00:18:47,559 --> 00:18:51,928
- Are you propositioning me?
- What? No.
340
00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:56,024
It's just... these solar ovens,
they're not meant as handouts.
341
00:18:56,101 --> 00:18:58,035
They're meant as gifts, right?
342
00:18:58,103 --> 00:19:01,163
And if you want a gift to be appreciated,
it should be presented as a gift.
343
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,832
That's interesting.
344
00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:06,776
Course, coming from that mouth,
everything's interesting.
345
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:11,407
I am a competitive guy.
346
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:15,010
I make no apologies for that.
If I see a way to win, I'm gonna take it.
347
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:19,547
And so I sold five million dollars
of wrapping paper to the military.
348
00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:22,219
And I did it in Cynthia's name.
349
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,195
She won the trip to Disneyland,
Rose could keep going to school...
350
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:27,198
and I beat Veronica.
351
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:30,030
No, you didn't. You still had to
go to dinner with the general.
352
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:31,694
I sold more wrapping paper than you.
353
00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:32,964
That's not what we were competing over.
354
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:34,733
It was one of the things
we were competing over.
355
00:19:34,806 --> 00:19:36,740
You're so competitive, it's sick.
356
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:40,574
- Not as sick as you.
- That's right. I win. Again.
357
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:50,014
Hey, do you think that patch
could've had any other side effects?
358
00:19:50,088 --> 00:19:52,613
Because I've been really itchy lately.
359
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:55,159
Well, itchiness is
a side effect of many drugs.
360
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:57,787
- Sure beats crazy though, doesn't it?
- I guess.
361
00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:00,730
It's just my back is so scratchy.
362
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:03,893
Maybe I should see a doctor
or a lawyer or something.
363
00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:10,333
As scientists with very little money,
we suggest you don't see a lawyer.
364
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:13,071
- We could take a look.
- Would you?
365
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:24,779
Feathers. She's growing feathers.
366
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:26,983
- Oh, my God! What do we do?
- Calm down.
367
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,084
- Just stay calm.
- Feathers!
368
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,288
What? Did he just say feathers?
369
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:33,854
You'll be fine.
370
00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:36,492
- Chicken lady! Chicken lady!
- No, I can't be a chicken lady!
371
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,331
I have so much I wanna do in my life!
372
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:42,339
I want to get married and have children
and glue feathers to my back...
373
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:45,205
to mess with idiot scientists
who are careless with experimental drugs!
374
00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:47,973
You can still do all those things!
375
00:20:48,046 --> 00:20:49,980
Oh, wait.
376
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:51,982
Well, now we're even.
377
00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:54,450
And next time you dose me,
you better finish the job.
378
00:21:00,892 --> 00:21:04,191
- Hi, Veronica.
- Hi, crazy pants.
379
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,788
Listen, about what I said the other day-
380
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:08,765
You called me powerful and
complimented my calves.
381
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,495
That's all I remember.
382
00:21:10,569 --> 00:21:12,628
Oh, good. So you're not mad?
383
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:14,638
You're obsessed with me, Linda.
384
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:17,174
I like that about you.
385
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:20,268
No, I'm not.
386
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:23,109
Everyone in this place is nuts.
387
00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:37,884
English - US - SDH
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