All language subtitles for 6x04 - Naked and Afraid.1 ENG

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!

What? What happened?

I think our cute new neighbor,
Jack, just saw me naked.

Oh, no.
How?

Well, I had just gotten
out of the shower

and I was air drying,
and what comes on the radio?

"Dancing Queen."

You know I can't resist dancing
to "Dancing Queen."

No one can!

Well, are you sure he saw you?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm not quite sure he can
actually see into our house.

Well, I know I can see into his.

Hey, wait, what are you
looking at Jack for?

No, no, no, I called dibs.

I've been praying for a cute guy
to move in across the street,

and a cute guy did move in
across the street,

so God gave him to me.

Oh, don't worry.
I'm not poaching.

I just noticed his hot,
shirtless contractor.

Oh! So you're looking
at men again.

This is a good sign.

Well, I'm not ready to get
back to anything serious,

but maybe a little fling
to get me started.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Like the first waffle.

- Waffle?
- Yeah, when you make waffles,

the first one's never a keeper
so you throw it out, and...

every one after that
just seems better.

Oh.

I think I might have been
that waffle to a few men.

Oh, hey, Victoria, how'd the
first day on your new show go?

It was terrifying.

I still don't know
what this show is about

or how to play my character.

I mean, yeah,
it's a Zed Simms script,

so of course
it must be brilliant.

I mean, you guys read it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's genius.

So cerebral.

- Mmm, complex.
- So many layers.

Oh, my God, you don't
understand it, either.

And tomorrow is my big scene,
you know,

the one where I talk
to the ghost.

- I thought you were the ghost.
- Wait, there's a ghost?

Oh, you see!

I just won an Oscar!
Ohh!

But if I am not good at this,

then everyone will say
that it was a fluke.

God, it was so much easier doing
Lifetime original movies.

Everything I needed to know
about my character

was in the title.

"Soccer Mom Prostitute."

"Forty and Flirty."

"Tammy Lee Boudreau:
The PMS Strangler."

"It's that time of the month...
to die!"

What has six legs, four breasts,

and is hosting a cocktail party
tonight?

Oh, oh, wait, wait.
Let me do this. I love riddles.

She's talking about us.

And why are we throwing you
a party?

Because I want to be president
of City Council.

I need to get my agenda through.

What is your agenda?

Zoo funding and road repair.

Doesn't the president also
get to ride with LeBron

in the Christmas parade?

Does she?

Elka just needs to sway
Councilman Stoke's vote.

He's undecided, so I'm guessing
he's the reason

we're having a party tonight?

We're doing it
the old-fashioned way...

Strong liquor and loose women.

You're not the strong liquor.

Actually, a party
is not a bad idea.

I can invite Zed

and, in a casual,
alcohol-fueled environment,

find out what the hell
the show is about.

And we can invite Jack,

and in a casual,
alcohol-fueled environment,

you can find out
if he saw me naked.

I'll go and invite him now.

While I'm there, I might
run into the cute contractor.

Hey, can you see through
my blouse?

Mm, nope.

Oh, shoot, I'll just have to
make it work.

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Wow, that was hot.

So, my band's playing tonight.

I play tenor and alto sax.

I like to say I'm bi-saxual.

I get it.

So are you gonna come?

Dylan, what we had was fun,

but while we were talking,
I realized

it was only supposed to last
right up until now.

So this was just sex?

Exactly.

But what about the skylight
you wanted me to put in?

Oh, Dylan, sweet Dylan.

There was never actually
going to be a skylight.

Don't you just love that
feeling right before a party

where anything is possible?

Soon Jack will be here,

and Joy will find out
if he's seen me naked.

And he might reply,
"Why, yes, and she's beautiful.

And I will not rest
until I make her mine."

Have you started drinking
already?

Just a little bit.

But you know I get nervous
before a party, because...

anything's possible!

Can we concentrate
on what's important?

Like you in a parade
with LeBron?

I don't want to be stuck
on some nerd float

called "Salute to Reading."

Wow, another one.

Why are you getting
so many texts?

I joined Sinder, the hookup app.

Why are you on Sinder?

Because I realized
I like throwing out waffles.

I am done holding out for
romance and happily ever after.

That just leads to heartbreak.

On Sinder, I can order my men
the way I order my shoes.

Six at a time?

Hey, Jack, hold up!

Oh, hello, Dylan.

Is it too bold to bring
Zinfandel to a party?

Does it say
"friendly new neighbor"

or "unchained party animal"?

Dude, you should've just
brought a bottle of wine.

Hey, would you give this to Joy
for me?

It's the address of the club
I'm playing tonight.

I'd give it to her myself,

but things are a little awkward
between us.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, we had a good thing
going there for a while,

if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean.

I actually saw the two of you
through Joy's window.

You did?

Sorry to say, yes.

First time I've seen
naked people

copulating through a window.

And I have to say,
I was not a fan.

Guess you had to be there.

Wow, Victoria Chase!

I've never met a celebrity
before.

Feels good!

How does it feel to meet me?

And you are?

Oh, sorry, I'm Jack.

New neighbor.

Oh, by the way, congratulations
on the new HBO show.

Oh, thank you.

What's it about?

I-I can't say.

I honestly can't say.

Oh, look how cute he is.

"She searched the world
for romance,

only to find he was
right across the street."

Would you stop narrating your
life like you're in a rom-com?

"And with the help of
her quirky, British roommate...

- Melanie.
- Kate Beckinsale."

Go on.

"She found the information
she needed

to put love on its true course."

Now, we are destined
for each other,

so go find out
if he saw me naked.

Hey, Elka, has Councilman Stokes
come by yet?

I guess he's running late.

So what does he look like?

Bland, beige, kind of blends in
with the furniture.

Hello, Elka.

Councilman Stokes.

My God, you light up a room.

Oh, Zed,
I'm glad you could make it.

Wow.

A Cleveland party.

Take it in, Zed.
Take it in.

So, Victoria,

you mentioned that you wanted
to talk to me about something.

Oh, well, first of all,
I just want to say

how much I love your show
and my character.

Good. I'm excited to see

what you're going to do with her
tomorrow.

Such an important scene.

Yeah, uh, about that...

One second.

Hello?

Yes, yes, I'm sure.

Okay. Goodbye.

I just fired Ben Kingsley.

What? But why?

He was my love interest.

Right?

We'll get another one.
He asks too many questions.

There's nothing more tiresome

than explaining plot and
character to a brainless actor.

So, what were you saying?

Nothing.

Uh, it's just my friend Melanie.

You know, I've been
explaining the show

to her repeatedly
and knowledgeably,

but she just doesn't get it.

So you invited me to this party

to explain my show
to your dumb friend?

What if I told you that she
thinks you're really hot?

I'm listening.

I do love our street.

But I have noticed,
from some rooms,

we have an unobstructed view
into your house.

I suppose it follows
that you also...

I think I know where you're
going with this.

Yes, I saw through the window.

I didn't mean to, but I did.

Oh, okay.
Not a problem.

Can I ask exactly
how much you saw?

Everything.

I see.

Well, it's no big deal.
It's just flesh.

Is there any chance
you liked what you saw?

What?

No, I didn't like it.

It was weird.

Weird?

Well, what does that mean?

I don't know.

Do you have anything unusual
going on under your clothes?

No. I look good
under my clothes.

Maybe he saw your mole mass.

It's not a mole mass!
It's three moles.

My mom said
they were angel kisses.

Those angels
had some big-ass lips.

Melanie, I need you
to talk to Zed about the show.

Now, I can't do it.
He'll fire me.

He just fired Ben Kingsley
for asking too many questions.

I can't talk to Zed until I find
out what Jack meant by "weird."

Look, I got another
Sinder match.

Of all the guys with face
tattoos, he seems the nicest.

- Hi, Jack.
- Hey.

So, um, Joy tells me that you
may have seen something weird

through our window this morning.

Yes, unfortunately I did.

Was it really that bad?

Truly unsettling.

No good place to look, you know?

No good place?

In a word, "Ugh!"

- "Ugh?"
- Mm.

Have you seen Councilman Stokes?

Hello, Elka.

Oh, Councilman Stokes.

Life of the party.

Hello.
I'm Victoria Chase.

I know. I saw you
in "Cleveland Rhapsody."

It was the night my fiancée
and I broke up.

I'm sorry, but seeing you is
bringing back very bad memories.

Try seeing her every day.

Get lost, Victoria.

Maybe I should go, too.

With all the single women
at this party?

Here comes one now.

Can you believe
he saw my naked body

and all he could say was, "Ugh?"

It must have been my mole mass.

Who else you got?

So, Zed, I like your top.

Um, tunic. Man-shirt.
I like your man-shirt.

So, I understand you have
some questions about my show.

Yes. I do.
But before we get to that, um,

if you were directing a scene
where a man sees a naked woman

through a window and that woman
just happened to look like me,

would that man's reaction
ever be "ugh"?

No way.
That wouldn't happen.

You're too beautiful.

Oh, Zed, thank you.

But if it did happen.

Well, then the lighting
was wrong.

Improper lighting can absolutely
demolish beauty.

Really?

Well, can you
come into my bedroom

and look at me at every angle?

We can test out
different positions.

I might even dance a little.

Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm game.

I'll, uh...
I'll go get us some drinks.

I guess what I'm looking for
is a girl who's smart

and sweet, maybe a little shy.

I see where you're going,
but I don't date co-workers.

What I'm looking for
doesn't exist anymore.

An old-fashioned girl
with old-fashioned values.

I know just the girl.

You said I was a demure
English rose?

And virgin.

Now go sell it.

I am tired of you
pimping me out.

It's not pimping.

I'm asking you
not to sleep with him.

For Cleveland.

Well, I guess you did
save the dog parks

and bring a lot of jobs
to the city.

And you've done a lot
for the zoo.

I named that old baboon
after you.

You said it was
a baby snow leopard.

Oh, that's right.

And when I saw
"40-Year-Old Virgin,"

I thought, "Finally,
someone's telling my story."

Elka was right. You really are
a demure English rose.

Oh, Councilman.
You make me blush.

Maybe it makes me old-fashioned,

but I guess I'm just a girl
looking for love.

Someone to live
happily ever after with.

White picket fence.

Kids and dogs
playing in the yard.

That sounds really nice.

It does, doesn't it?

The problem in the real world

is people just want to hook up
on Tinder.

Or worse, Sinder.

Thank God you're nothing
like that.

Sex without love.
It's just sad!

Oh, dear God.

Why is there a man in your
driveway playing saxophone?

Let's go inside.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

Let me show you the back garden.

Joy!

I know this morning you said
you were just using me for sex,

but I have feelings.

I'm not a piece of meat.

I thought he was a waffle.

You slept with this man
this morning?

I'll say.
With the curtains wide open.

What?

Like I was telling you,
I saw Joy and my contractor

through the window.
Ugh!

Oh, so she's the ugh?
Not me?

Oh, Joy, did you hear that?
I'm not the ugh, you are!

Yes, I heard.

I'm awash
in wonderful news here.

Melanie, you could never be
the ugh. You're beautiful.

In fact,
I was working up the courage

to ask you out for a coffee.

Oh, I'd love that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hey, uh...

What's going on? You just
invited me up to your bedroom.

Well, yes, but just so you
could light me.

But you talked about
how you looked naked!

And that you wanted to test out
different positions!

Those things mean something
to a man!

I guess you are as dumb
as Victoria said.

Hey, hold on, Zed.

Now, I can call Melanie dumb,
but you can't.

Yeah, I'd rather nobody
called me dumb.

Melanie's not dumb.
She's wonderful.

You know what's dumb?
You and your shows.

They win awards, but they don't
make a lick of sense.

That's him talking, not me.
But go on.

What are you talking about?
My shows make perfect sense.

Tell them, Victoria.

Uh, there are big scenes
and little ones...

Oh, screw it!

I have no idea what your script
is about

or how the hell I'm supposed to
be playing it.

But you said you loved it.

Because I didn't want to
seem stupid.

But I am stupid, and your script
made me that way.

Now, just tell me yes or no.

Am I a ghost detective
trying to go back in time

to solve my own murder?

Not even close.

- Too bad. I'd watch that.
- Yeah, me too.

Ultimately, this is a story
in which the action

tries to find meaning
in inaction!

Wait, earlier you mentioned
that you're a ghost

trying to solve your own murder?

I like that.
Why don't we just do that?

Okay.

Oh, I am so relieved.

I thought you were going to
fire me for asking questions

the way you did
with Ben Kingsley.

No, that was just
the tipping point.

The real issue was that
every morning on set,

he would take the last
everything bagel.

Well, I don't eat bagels.

And I certainly
don't eat anything

that has the word
"everything" in it.

Excellent.

And, Victoria?

Don't ever feel stupid again.

What you should be is outwardly
vain but inwardly warm.

Fearful but wise.

Driven but generous.

Who could be all those things?

She sounds like a complete mess.

I was describing you.

I meant you should
just be yourself.

This character is you.

Oh, my God.

I am so complex,
I-I barely understand myself.

Yeah, just be like that.

Look, I know Elka invited me
here to get my vote

and asked you to pretend to be
someone you're obviously not.

You're right, but the truth is,

when I was saying I believed
in happily ever after,

I realized I meant it.

I mean, deep down,
that's who I am.

I've been doing
this stupid stuff

because I recently
had my heart broken

and I'm scared of it
happening again.

I understand.

You get to an age where you
just sort of give up and say,

"What's the point?"

Or you could be like Elka.

She's 92 and never uses her age

as an excuse
not to do something.

Run for office, look for love,
manipulate her friends.

She knows how to work it.

And you do need that in order
to get things done for a city.

So, does she get your vote?

I guess she does.

Finally.

I mean, is there anything
we should be celebrating?

- Wow, what a mix-up.
- Yeah.

This will be a story
we're telling the kids.

Kids?

Not ours.

Just young people who...

Like charming stories
about couples meeting.

Well, I should get going.

You know, in New Zealand
we have a tradition.

When you say good night
to someone

and you like that person,
give them a kiss.

Oh, we have a similar
tradition in America.

Oh, you do?
Good.

Well, prepare yourself for
a respectful, yet sensual,

kiss on the cheek.

Okay, go for it.

- See you tomorrow.
- Okay.

Good night, Melanie.

Good night, Jack!

It's a bit weird.

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Hey! ♪