All language subtitles for Regardez le film Le Bon, la Brute et le Beau 2004

[strumming, Western music]
[whooshing]

[upbeat, strumming,
Western music]

[gun blasts]

[upbeat, strumming,
Western music]

[gun blasts]

[upbeat, strumming,
Western music]

[whooshing]
[upbeat, strumming music]

- You're a fine looking girl.

I'd like to get your number
and take you out to dinner,

and you know, a couple movies,
you know, get your number?

Are you taken?

Ah, that's too bad, I'm
single-- [conversation fades]

[cheerful, ambient music]
[people chattering]

- Hey cowboy,

if I didn't know better,

I'd say you were becoming
a regular around here.

- Well, taking a shine to
your fine establishment.

- Yeah, that's nice.

Hey, usual?

- [McCoy] Yeah, what the hell.

- All right.

- Annie working tonight?

- [Bartender] Oh, that's
what this is all about, huh?

- Well, when you're
only in town for a week,

you can't afford to be
pussyfooting around, you know?

- No, you can't.

- [McCoy] You've got to
make your feelings known.

- Yeah, you do.

- So is she?

- [Bartender] Is she?

- Working tonight?

- Yeah, I got her cleaning
some bottles in the back.

She'll be out.

- [exhales] Good.

Why don't you go ahead and
hit me again there, partner.

- You got it.

[door clatters]

- Guess who's back
and asking about you.

- Let me guess,
tall, dark and Texan?

- Mmhmm, over at the bar.

- Fourth night in a row,

he looks like the
generous type too.

- Mm, what do you
have to lose? [laughs]

- [laughs] Nothing
at all, sister,

nothing at all.

[cheerful, ambient music]
[people chattering]

Hey,

gonna hang at the bar all
night or do you want a table?

- Well, what I'd really like

is a nice, quiet dinner
date with you, Annie.

- Well, I have Tuesday off.

- Mm, I'm afraid I'm gonna be

about a million miles
away come Tuesday.

- [sighs] That's too bad.

- Hm.

Yep. [sighs]

It's uh,

kinda slow in here tonight,

don't you think?

- Uh, yeah, damn slow.

Annie, why don't you uh,

take the rest of the
night off if you want.

- Well?

- I want.

[people chattering]
[cheerful, ambient music]

[distant siren wailing]

[glasses clink]
[cheerful, ambient music]

- Annie, I'm usually
not this forward,

but I'm just gonna be heading
back out west tomorrow

and I didn't wanna
miss the opportunity

to tell you how special
I think you are.

- You know, that's one
of the sweetest things

anyone's ever said to me.

- Well, it's true.

- So, tell me a
little about yourself.

- Well, my daddy got
into the oil business,

back when I was a little boy,

and uh, we kinda made it
into a family business.

And that went right fine,

and I grew up a little bit
and I had the idea that,

well, we needed to
diversify a bit.

So, we got into the
cattle business.

Well that went right fine,

'til the cattle drank the oil.

They all died.

So we're back in the
oil business now.

We uh, went ahead and bought
up a town and things like that.

- Town?

- Yeah, I own a town.

- You own a whole town?

- Yeah.

- Wow.

[exhales] I've always dreamed
about something like that.

- I'd sure like to get
to know you better.

We have such little time.

- Well,

there's always tonight.

- Tonight?

- Yeah, my apartment's
just down the street.

- Well I'd be right honored.

- Shall we?

- We shall.

[McCoy sighs]

[upbeat, rhythmic music]
[distant siren wailing]

[door rattles]

[Annie sighs]
[keys clink]

- So, can I get you
a drink or something?

- Uh, no thank you.

I'm thinking that we oughta
just circle our wagons.

- You are in a
hurry, aren't you?

[McCoy chuckles]

[Annie squeals]
[laughs]

R.J.! [laughing]

[upbeat, strumming music]

[heavy breathing]
[upbeat, strumming music]

[people chattering]
[cheerful ambient music]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- So, how's it going?

- He's still here.

- Hm, brought him
to your place, huh?

Were you very
naughty? [chuckles]

- Yeah, I really
knocked him out.

- [Stacy] Is he staying over?

- He is out like a light.

I mean, he's really out.

[hand squeaks]
[thumps]

I think he's dead!

Oh my God.

- Dead?!

- Uh yeah.

He's dead.

- As in,

dead dead?

- Real dead.

Oh shit, I'd better
call a medic.

- Oh, okay bye.
[phone clicks]

She fucking killed him.

[phone beeps]
- [whines] Why me?

Why is it always me?

[phone clicking]
[Annie sighs]

[women whispering]

- Hi.

[sighs] I'm sorry to
put you through this

during your time of grieving,

but the sooner we
get on with it,

the sooner you'll be
able to get it on.

With it.

- Oh, I understand, I think.

- Were you uh,
long-time friends?

- Well, not really,
but we were close.

- I see.

Uh, well Mr. McCoy's
will was rather specific

about how his estate
would be settled.

- Well, to be honest with you,

I'm kinda surprised
I'm even here.

- It reads uh, and I quote,

in as much as a fellow never
knows who's gonna turn yellow

and run when the
going gets tough,

and I can't rightly know

who will stand by
me in the very end,

I hereby bequeath
my entire estate

to whomever is next to me
at the time of my death.

That's you.

- Are you saying
that Annie inherited

all of Mr. McCoy's estate?

- Well, that would be the case.

- I'm rich, [laughs] I'm rich!

- [Lawyer] Not quite that easy.

- [Together] Oh?

- From what we can determine,

Mr. McCoy's holdings
consisted mainly

of the Devil's Ring
Casino in Nevada.

- Casino?

- [Lawyer] Yes, that and
the Lost Diamond Mine.

- Diamond mine?

- Well that's what it's called.

Actually, the Lost Diamond
Mine is a silver mine.

- Who cares, silver,
gold, I'm not picky.

- Well here are the deeds
to the Devil's Ring Casino

and the Lost Diamond Mine,

and in the packet is some money,

whatever was in his pockets
at his time of passing.

- Thank you so much.

- Please be advised that
the Lost Diamond Mine

is actually lost, no
one's been able to find it

in 100 years of searching
and it's said to be haunted.

There's a map in there, but
the map is 150 years old.

So undoubtedly, it's worthless.

- Well, check and double check.

- At least you own
a casino. [laughs]

- You wanna go to Nevada?

- [Stacy] Thought you'd
never ask, come on! [laughs]

[lawyer sighs]
[sniffs]

[upbeat, twangy music]

- [Annie] Imagine, being able
to walk through the doors

of your very own casino,
snap your fingers

and everybody
jumps to serve you.

- [Stacy] Mm, free shrimp
cocktails. [laughs]

- [Annie] My own
personal slot machines.

- [Stacy] Cheap
hookers. [laughs]

- [Annie] Hot,
desperate gigolos.

[Stacy laughs]

There's one problem, though.

I think that we're lost.

- [Stacy] No sweat, just pull
over and ask for directions.

- Oh, check this guy out.

[twangy banjo music]

Hey Gomer!

Which way to
Devil's Ring Casino?

[upbeat, twangy music]

Don't strain yourself.

[upbeat, twangy music]

[quiet, mysterious music]

[gravel crunching]
[quiet, mysterious music]

[birds chirping]
[quiet, mysterious music]

[Annie yawns]

- Well, I wonder how much
further it is to Devil's Ring.

- [sighs] I don't know,
but my ass is killing me.

- This looks like a lovely
place to die. [chuckles]

- You're kidding me.

Even the ghosts have pulled
up stake and moved on.

- Wow.

Uh, Annie,

look.

[snare drum rim shot]

- Oh dear.

- Oh dear, oh dear.

- [sighs] Why me?

Why is it always me?

- [Wyatt] Having car trouble?

- Oh, [laughs] no.

We were just looking around.

- Well this ain't
no place for women

to be poking around here.

There's dangers here y'all
don't want no part of.

- Danger?

- Yeah, dangers, like
rattlesnakes and Chihuahuas

and orangutans,
big as your hand.

- Bigger.

Really, this ain't
no place for ladies.

- [laughs] Well, thanks
for the warning, guys,

but Annie here, she
owns this whole town

and everything in it.

So uh, you can just go ahead.

- [spits] [laughing]
You hear that?

Owns Devil's Ring,
you hear that, Wyatt?

- Lock, stock and barrel.

- You don't say?

- I do say, inherited
it from R.J. McCoy.

- Old R.J., is he uh.

- Get the picture?

- Well, this ain't no place
to be spending the night,

not with all them
spooks flying around,

shrieking, making all
kinds of crazy noises.

- Noises.

- So why don't you
two little ladies

come up to the big house
and visit with the boss?

Him and and R.J.,
they were like that.

- [laughs] And
which one was R.J.?

- Well R.J. was uh,

damn.

[Annie laughs]

Why don't you two funny ladies

come up to the
big house anyways?

I'm sure the boss
would like to meet you.

- Oh, [sighs] I guess
I'll check it out.

- Yeah, you know what, I'll
put the luggage in there

and I'll have a bed waiting for
you when you get back, okay?

- All right, you can tell
me what horror awaits me.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- All right, let's go.

[Stacy sighs]

[horse whinnies]
[strumming music]

So were you and R.J. close?

- [Wyatt] Mm. [laughs]

- Well, I guess you could
say old R.J. and J.R.

Were opposites, yeah,
but friendly opposites.

I was the yin to
his yang, you know,

the salt to his pepper,
the bacon to his eggs,

the Roy to his Trigger,
the Starsky to his Hutch,

the Moby to his Dick.

- Mm.

- That's why I really couldn't
understand that when he died,

he would leave
everything to, well,

forgive me for saying,
a complete stranger.

- Well I think that he was
afraid of who was gonna

cut and run when
the going got tough.

- Well that makes
sense, doesn't it?

Now you may not know this but,

old R.J. and I had an agreement

that if one of us died,

well the other could
buy their property.

What do you think of that?

- I think it's too bad
that he's not here to ask.

- [chuckles] Well it's,
that's true, isn't it?

Now tell me, have you heard uh,

something about uh,

little place called
the Lost Diamond Mine?

- Yes, we're gonna start
looking for it tomorrow.

- [chuckles] You're gonna
look for it? [laughs]

She gonna look
for it. [laughing]

Now, I don't know if
you're aware of the fact

that for the last 100 years,

trained professionals, men,
have tried to find that mine,

men, with dredges and
machinery and know-how

and knowledge and the
knack to read the land.

Mineralogists, genealogists,

OBGYN's, no one could find
that mine in 100 years.

Now, what makes you think,
you, little Miss Get 'Em,

gonna sashay on
into this territory

and walk in there and find the
Lost Diamond Mine? [laughing]

- We have a map.

[wolf howling]

- Good answer.

Hm.

Well, you know what?

Why don't we just do a
neighborly thing here,

I'm gonna give you a very
generous amount of money,

yes dear, just a moment,

I'm going to give you a
generous amount of money

for that worthless
piece of property.

Now, what do you
say to that, huh?

- I have to wonder why you'd
be so kind as to do that.

- Well, it's real
simple, you know,

I mean uh, [clears throat]

you know, our properties,

they sort of butt up to
each other, yeah, and uh,

well I had always figured
I would bulldoze that ugly,

old, rundown ghost town anyway

and let my cattle sort of
spread out a little bit.

You know, nobody
likes a narrow cattle,

thin, scrawny, limp cattle.

They like strong
cattle, you know,

it's a lot easier to catch
'em and brand 'em, you know.

- Well, I'm afraid that I can't
fully entertain your offer

until I've had
time to investigate

exactly what it is
that I've inherited.

- Uh, [clears throat]
That's fine, thank you.

[sighs] Well, you haven't
even heard my offer yet.

- I'm sure I will,
in a few days.

- Well, suit yourself.
[clears throat]

Oh uh, by the way, uh,

if you've heard, there is a uh,

terrible curse on
that area up there,

called the Devil's Ring.

That whole area, there's
some sort of a strange,

ghostly spirit to that area,

and it's, it's filled with dark,

demon-y, little biting,
squiggly little things

with gnawing teeth that'll come

and get inside your underwear
and gnaw on your privates.

- Oh, thanks for the warning.

- Well, you're welcome.

It's what neighbors do, huh?

Well you'll uh,

have a good night, and I
hope to see you real soon.

[Annie sighs]

Well girls, if you'll excuse me,

I think uh, we're gonna
have to go outside,

do a little man talk, huh boys?

Why don't you uh, make
yourselves comfortable?

Boys.

[match snaps]

[J.R. sighs]

- you want us to
tar and feather her?

- Tar and feather.

No, you crazy, tar is
up to $52 a barrel.

No, we gotta come up with
something craftier now.

- Hm.
- Gotta get a hold of that map

to the Lost Diamond Mine.

- We can scare 'em off.

That always works.

- Yeah, you're both real scary.

Well whatever we do,

that girl's gotta sell
that property in two days.

You got me?

- Yeah.

- How many days?

- Two days.

- How many?

- Two?

- Good.

[slaps arm]

- What's up?

- Not what's up, but uh,
what's going down, yonder.

[Wyatt chuckles]

[gentle, quiet music]

[men clatter]

[gentle, quiet music]

[owl hooting]
[insects singing]

[wolf howling]
[insects singing]

- Oh, do you think

everything about this place
being haunted is true?

- No, don't be silly.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

[upbeat, twangy music]

Gomer, shut up!

[women sigh]

See, I told you,
nothing to worry about.

- Yeah.

[women sigh]

[insects singing]

[playful, suspenseful music]

[men yelling]

- [Wyatt] Hey it's me,
it's me, it's Wyatt.

Here.

Scare ya?

- You scared the hell
outta me! [mutters]

- [Wyatt] Well, let's hope
that it works on the girls.

Where's my hat?

[men yelling]

[Wyatt clattering]

- [Ringo] Sheesh, you all right?

- [Wyatt] All right,
come on, let's go.

They're just a couple of girls.

- Woo!
- Sheesh.

[men mimicking ghosts]

[owl hooting]

[men mimicking ghosts]

- Annie.

Annie, wake up!

- What?

- Listen.

[playful music]
[men mimicking ghosts]

What kind of animal
makes that noise?

- Huh?

A dead animal.

[gasps] Look!

Oh my God!

- [Ringo] Wyatt,
where you going?

Yo, hey Wyatt,

this way.
[men mimicking ghosts]

- [shuddering] Are
they, are they ghosts?

- Well it ain't a clan rally.

[playful, spooky music]
[men laugh]

[men mimicking ghosts]
[playful, spooky music]

[gentle, Western music]
[hooves pattering]

- Ha!

Ha ha!

[gentle, Western music]
[men mimicking ghosts]

Whoa, ha.

[upbeat, Western music]
[men mutter]

- [Ringo] Look at that!

[men screaming]

[gun blasts]
[men screaming]

[gun blasts]
[men screaming]

[gun blasts]
[upbeat, Western music]

[hooves pattering]
[upbeat, Western music]

- What the hell just happened?

- I don't know.

I, I think the fireworks
are over for tonight.

- [labored breathing] Good.

[sighs] I'm beat.

- Me too.

[twangy, strumming music]

- Gomer, shut up!

[sighs] Okay, goodnight, Stace.

- Goodnight, Annie.

- [Together] Goodnight, R.J.

- Okay. [sighs]

[insects singing]

[twangy, strumming music]

- Oh. [laughs]

[Ringo yelling]

- God!

Oh, this is so gay,
Wyatt. [labored breathing]

- Where'd you get
the tattoo, Ringo,

and who the hell's Ryan?

[Ringo yelling]

- Just get the
goddamn bullet out

and nevermind you
about Ryan, okay?

- I missed it.
- Oh!

- It seems to be
going in deeper.

[Ringo grunting]

[swishing broom]

- Ew.

- [sighs] What a mess.

Maybe I should just sell
this place to J.R. Masterson.

[sighs] I mean, I
don't see what value

could possibly be in
it for me. [sighs]

- I don't know, but
someone who wants something

as bad as he does, that
makes me suspicious.

- I know, I mean,

he was practically
drooling over it.

- Yeah.

Who was that woman last night?

- I don't know, but she
even scared the spooks.

- Actually, I thought
she was hot looking.

[women laugh]
- Definitely agreed.

- [clears throat]
Morning ladies.

- Oh, [sighs] Mr. Masterson,

you sure are light on your feet.

Didn't hear you coming.

- [chuckles] Yeah, I'm sorry,

next time I'll be sure
and holler real loud.

- What brings you our way?

- Well, I just wanted to
make sure you both, [sighs]

doing fine, you know,

make sure that you didn't
have any problems at night.

- Well, we did have a bit
of a ruckus last night,

but [sighs] turned
out okay in the end.

- Ah, well, I heard about that.

You know, it's a long time
since I've been up here.

Place sure has changed a lot

since I've been here
though. [laughs]

Now it's just a big, old dump.

Like a big, old tinder box just
waiting to ignite, isn't it?

- Yeah, a tinder box,

but a tinder box with potential.

- Yeah, lots of potential.

- Oh, potential.

Well, you two little ladies

gonna clean this whole place
all by yourself? [laughs]

- This corner of it, yeah.

- Well good, real good.

- Well, if you don't mind,

we've got some work to do.

- Oh, oh, that's
fine, that's fine.

Oh uh, just wanted to remind
you of that offer I made you,

it still stands.

Might save you a whole
lotta trouble and time.

- [chuckles] Yeah, don't worry,

we'll keep your offer in mind.

- Well, I never worry, ladies.

Good day to you.

[twangy, strumming music]
[pattering hooves]

Wyatt, Ringo,

you two nitwits think
you got what it takes

to get this job done?

- Ready and willing, boss.

- All right.

Only this time, boys,

I think we're gonna try a
little different approach.

- Different approach?

- Yeah, yeah, here's
what you're gonna do,

you're gonna start by
befriending those young girls.

That's right, get
real cozy like,

help 'em with their chores

and then when they
least suspect it,

I want you to steal that map

and you bring it
back to me, you hear?

- Yeah, I get it, it's
like uh, reverse paralysis.

- Just do it, will ya?

- Yes sir, you got it, J.R.

- Oh and boys,

I want you to wait
a full half an hour

before you ride on in
there, you hear me?

Don't screw up.

See you boys.

[pattering hooves]
[strumming music]

- Two Bit says this map

is what everyone's
so excited about.

- Well it sure isn't
the view. [laughs]

- Well, I'm going to
put this someplace

they'll never sniff
it out. [laughs]

- Good luck hiding it there.

[pattering hooves]
[horse whinnies]

- Well, well, well, look
what the gopher dragged in.

[pattering hooves]

- Morning, ladies.

- What's shaking, handsome?

- Thought you might need
some help lifting stuff.

- Well, [sighs] I guess so.

[claps rail] This rail
here could use some work.

You boys got tools?

- Yeah, you got some
tools over there in that

blacksmith shop over there.

- Great, let's go find 'em.

- They're right over yonder.

- Okay Slick--

- My name's Ringo, ma'am.

- Come on, follow me.

[twangy, strumming music]

[Annie sighs]

- Well, this place looks like

it's being held
together with cobwebs,

but it's home for now.

- Never dared venture
inside here before.

- Well, I found a room upstairs,

I think if I fix it up,

Stacy and I can bunk
down there tonight.

- You two girls sleep together?

- [slaps chest] It's not
like that, you pervert.

Not yet anyway.

You coming?

- You bet.

- Back yonder is
the blacksmith shop,

all the blacks and the smiths

used to get together
and pound nails.

- Oh Jesus.

- No, Jesus wasn't into pounding
nails, that was the Romans.

- Hey, look over here.

- Yeah, what do
you got over there?

- Hm, see something
you like, cowboy?

- Uh, sorry ma'am, I, I
didn't mean to be staring.

- Yeah?

How about now?

- Oh now, now I
meant to be staring,

oh yeah, and I'm staring.

- You know, [sighs]
why don't you show me

how they pound the
nails out West.

- Sure thing.

First you're gonna
need this hammer over--

- No, not those kind.

Like this.

[upbeat, sexy music]

[door clatters]

- Woo!
[crow cawing]

This place sure does
give me the creeps!

- Well, at least it's indoors.

I did not wanna spend
another night outside.

- You know what?

I think this used to be the room

where the hookers used to
hang out, back in the day.

[book thumps]
- Ew,

um, just how old is this place?

- Goes back to the late 1800's.

It was just a small wagon
stop at the edge of town

where people would rest up
before moving on to California.

- A real boom town, huh?

- Not exactly,

but when some folk discovered
silver in the mines,

this place did heat up a might.

- So that's where the Lost
Diamond Mine comes in.

- Well, that's more
of a legend really.

Biggest thing about
that is the idea

that a local outlaw
named Calamity Kate

hid her stash of loot
out there in them mines.

- Calamity Kate?

- They say she was
one tough lady.

They say she robbed
dozens of stagecoaches,

banks and trains.

They say her ghost
still haunts this place,

protecting her treasure
in the Lost Diamond Mine.

- All this talk of ghosts and
spooks, there's no such thing.

- I wouldn't be so
sure about that.

- So, is that why J.R. Masterson
wants this place so badly?

- I reckon he'd love to
bulldoze this whole place

if he thought he could
discover the lost mine shaft.

- Isn't he afraid of the ghosts?

- He don't believe in that
sort of thing, but I do.

- Poor, poor Ringo.

Don't worry, I'll protect you.

- Yeah, but who's
gonna protect you?

- [sighs] Why don't we uh,

check out that couch and make
sure it's safe to sleep on?

- Couldn't hurt.

- [laughs] That's
what you think.

[Ringo shudders]
[groans]

- Careful.

Real careful.

- Oh.
- What are you looking at?

Hey--
- I've never seen

one of these before, close up.

- Hey, that's cold steel.

- Oh, [giggles] I like it.

- Careful with that.

It's a man's weapon.

It's long and hard.

- Yeah?

I'll show you a woman's weapon.

[buttons patter]
[Ringo whimpers]

[cheerful, strumming music]

[pattering hooves]
[cheerful, strumming music]

- Thought I gave you guys
fair warning last night.

Maybe you don't hear so good.

- Um, who are you?

- I'll ask the questions.

- That's the,

the girl who shot me last night.

- What's going on here?

- You boys have got to the
count of 10, you're outta here.

- Don't bother counting.

[Ringo whimpering]
[upbeat, strumming music]

- You ladies are too trusting.

Those boys ain't the brightest
prairie dogs in the hole,

but they sure know
how to follow orders.

[exhales] You got that map?

- Yes.

- Good.

Now, let's get out of the
middle of the road, huh?

[pattering hooves]

[twangy, strumming music]

[pattering footsteps]

This is the old VIP room.

Guests of a wealthy manner

were finely entertained
here. [laughs]

Parties went on for days
and days and days and days.

'Til the money or the booze
ran out, that is. [chuckles]

- Well, sounds like you
know this place well.

- I did.

Once.

- Well who are you?

- Well that doesn't really
matter now, does it?

- [laughs] Yeah, it does.

I mean, you just don't
know who you can trust.

- Well, I got me some
land over the hill there,

but that J.R.
Masterson bought up

every speck of land in
this place except mine.

I hate that bastard.

[gun clicking]
[exhales]

And those damn polecats
that work for him.

We agree to disagree.

- For a minute there,

I thought you might be a ghost.

- Ghost? [mimics a ghost]

I mean, [laughing]

really girls, would a
ghost kiss like this?

[twinkling music]

[gentle, quiet music]

Woo!

[horse whinnies]

[J.R. exhales]

- Now let me get this straight,

you say that, [clears
throat] yesterday

she shot you in the ass.

- No no no, that was me, boss.

- That was him.

- Oh, she shot you in
the ass and then today,

come back again and she
run both of you off.

- She's incredibly fast, boss,

I mean, she's so fast.
[mimics shooting]

[J.R. laughs]

- Let me see if I can assess
what's going on here now,

evidently, for
the last two days,

these two little girls have
been kicking your two big,

tough asses all
around the place.

Am I right or not?

Yeah well,

I guess that calls for
more drastic measures.

- You mean?

- What do you mean, "You mean,"

you don't even know what I mean.

You don't know what
I was gonna say

when I said, "I mean,"
you know what I mean?

You know?

- All right, boss.

- All right?

No, what I mean is a
little tit for tat.

- Tit for what?

- Tit for tat!

Map for muff.

One of you is gonna go in there

and you are gonna kidnap
one of those girls

and hold her for the map.

- Oh.

- Which one?

- I don't give a
rusty fart which one.

Just go in and do
something right

for once in your miserable
lives, all right?

'Cause I am tired of being
nice, I am tired of being nice.

[shudders] Oh, I wanna be evil.

I wanna be evil. [shudders]

Just do it.

[twangy, strumming music]

[gun clicks]

[twangy, strumming music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[Wyatt exhales]

[shuffling footsteps]

- Hate to do this, but,

[gun clicks] hands up.

- What?

- You are now my hostage.

- [sighs] You are so dead.

- We'll just have
to see about that.

Let's go, move it, move it.

[rustling hay]
[cows mooing]

[clanking metal]
[rooster crows]

- Hold it right
there, sweetheart.

- What do you want?

- Uh, taking you prisoner.

- [sighs] So what's the plan?

You gonna kidnap me and
ransom me for the map?

- Yeah, that's it.

- Aren't you
forgetting something?

- Like what?

- Like my new friend
who's got a pistol

pointed at your head.

- Ha, that's funny.
[pistol clicks]

- Take his gun, Annie.

Hold him up here.

I think we got some
trouble outside.

- This isn't loaded.

- Yeah, I know, I didn't
want anyone to get hurt.

- You know? [slaps arm]

Maybe you're not such
a bad guy after all.

You want the map?

Why don't you strip
search me for it?

[Annie chuckles]

- Got any front pockets?

- Don't you think I'd hide it
somewhere much more creative?

[clattering items]

Wyatt, you bonehead.

Let's take a roll in the hay.

[upbeat, sexy music]
[heavy breathing]

[Annie laughs]

[heavy breathing]
[upbeat, sexy music]

[birds chirping]

[twangy, strumming music]
- Come on over.

[pattering footsteps]

[birds chirping]

- Well I've about had
it with you bitches.

Now, I want you to hand me
over that map right now,

otherwise little Miss
Goody Two-Shoes here

is gonna be turned
into prairie dust.

- Tough talk, Masterson.

Let's see if you can back it up.

Annie, bring him out!

[Wyatt clattering]
- Ow!

Ow, ow.

Ow.

- [sighs] Wyatt,

you are dumber than
paint, you know that?

- Yes sir, I am.

- 'Cause you are so dumb,

you think that MCI is a rapper.

- Dumb I am sir, yes.

- You're so dumb,

you think that Taco Bell
is a Mexican phone company.

- It's not?

- You're so dumb,

if you saw a sign that said,
"Wet floor," you'd do it.

All right, what do you want?

- Exchange, send
Stacy over here,

we'll send back
your trained monkey.

- Ha, I always get the short
end of the deal, don't I?

All right, you win. [sighs]

Go ahead, send her over.

[shuffling footsteps]

All right, no bring Wyatt over.

- Can I have my gun back?

[thumps hat]
Oh, my hat.

Ow! [clattering footsteps]

Nice meeting ya!
[pattering footsteps]

[birds chirping]

[whistling, Western music]

- Well now, seems to me

there ought to be some way
we can settle this thing.

- The only way I know how.

[upbeat, Western music]

- Whoa, [laughs]

just you and me then, huh?

[upbeat, Western music]

- On the count of three.

[upbeat, Western music]

One,

two--

[horse whinnies]
[gun blasting]

[J.R. laughing]
[gun blasting]

- Sorry about that,

but I never was much
good at playing fair.

[upbeat, dramatic music]

- Three.
[gun clicks]

- Wait a minute,

I just shot you, you,

[playful, dramatic music]

good Lord,

good Lord, you,

you must be the ghost
of Calamity Kate!

[horse whinnies]

[playful, dramatic music]

All right, I'll get you!

If not now, I'll get
you at the sequel!

[stammering] What
are you waiting for?

- [Wyatt] Oh my God, it really
is the ghost! [shudders]

[Ringo shuddering]
[playful, dramatic music]

[women breath a sigh of relief]

[Kate sighs]

- That was unreal,
you scared 'em silly!

- I mean, he really thought
that he shot a ghost.

What did you use,
a bullet proof bra?

- What's that?

- You know, that thing that
keeps you from getting shot?

- [chuckles] I'm afraid not.

- You really are
the ghost of uh--

- Calamity Kate!
- Yeah!

- Well, my friends
call me Katherine.

- Oh my gosh! [laughs]
- Wow! [laughs]

- You still got that map?

- Yeah um, what do you
want me to do with it?

- Well, you plan on
looking for my treasure?

- No, not if you
don't want us to.

- Good, well if I were you,

I'd burn that map
and head on home.

- Consider it burned.

- Well, I gotta go.

See y'all later.

Oh,

by the way,

thanks for the hot, steamy sex.

It was to die for. [laughs]

- You're welcome.

[quiet, Western music]
[hooves pattering]

- Um, Annie?

- Mmhmm?

- Let's go home now, okay?

- [laughs] Good idea.
[Stacy laughs]

[engine humming]

[playful, twangy music]
[horn honks]

[shuffling footsteps]

[upbeat, strumming music]

[cheerful, upbeat music]