All language subtitles for Beyond.Therapy.1987

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTERING OFFSCREEN]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-You ever hear of
the words excuse me?

Thank you.

That's very nice of you.

No-- wha-- that-- that's
my magazine, you asshole!

Excuse me, sir, do--do you
have "The New York Magazine,"

please?

-Look around, lady.

Uh, we got it, we got it.

We don't got it,
we don't got it.

-Hi-- hi-- bonjour.

I guess you guys are busboys.

-Uh, sir?

Sir, I need the issue
before this one.

The one with the-- the
Venus on the cover.

-We have it last week.

We don't have it right now.

-Could you look behind there?

-It's $1.95.

-But I don't want
this one-- never mind.

Keep the nickel.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Thanks a lot.

-Ah.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Prudence?

PRUDENCE: Yeah?

Bruce?

-Bill.

-Hi.

So you're the white male in
his mid '30s over 6 foot who's

into French literature,
uh, French food

and wine, and soirees at home.

-That's me.

-Nice to meet you.

-Same here.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Thought it was
gonna rain, did ya?

-Well, I-- I didn't know

-Uh-huh.

-Wasn't sure.

Well, that was real
French, wasn't it?

-Hey, hey.

Crazy people.

-Bet that means the food
is going to be excellent.

-Yeah, sure.

Mhm.

-You know, as I-- as
I said in my letter,

I've never answered one
of these ads before.

-Me neither.

I mean, I haven't put one in.

-This time I figured why not?

-Right.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Well, I hope I'm
not too, uh-- uh,

I mean I don't know what
you're expecting, but--

-No, I didn't expect anything.

You seem just fine so far.

--[SPEAKING FRENCH] Son
of a bitch, that rat.

-Well, you were right on time.

-Yeah.

I like being prompt.

-You have lovely breasts.

-I took the subway.

The express.

It's a nice ride.

-You wearing contact lenses?

You wear contacts?

-I like the timbre
of your voice.

It's soft, but firm.

-Just like your breasts.

-Yes.

They're, um, soft,
extended-- I sleep with them.

-Gotcha.

-I love the smell of
the Brut you're wearing.

-My mail order
Bob gave it to me.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-I beg your pardon?

-Oh, I was talking
to the waiter.

You never say garcon.

It's rude.

It means boy.

You kind of remind me
of him in a certain way.

-Who?

-Bob.

What's that?

Please take that away.

I swing both ways actually.

Do you?

Did I upset you?

-It's fine--

-Prudence?

Where are you going?

What, have I upset you?

PRUDENCE: No, no, it's nothing.

Really.

-What's the matter.

-It's just that I
hate gay people.

-You're shaking like a leaf.

Please-- if you-- come here.

Where are you going?

He's not going to bother you.

Sit down.

-I-- I know, but I
wasn't talking about him.

I was talking about you.

-Oh, me?

-Mhm.

-Oh, I-- I'm not gay.

I'm, uh, bi-sexual.

There's a difference.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTERING]

[COUPLE ARGUING IN BACKGROUND]

WOMAN: Zizi, where you going?

-Nein!

Oh!

Taxi!

-Oh, alors.

I can't take anymore
American Express.

-I want to drink a toast
to you and your children.

-Your glass is empty.

-I know.

Who cares?

What's your favorite song?

-"Someone to Watch Over Me."

[SINGING]

[POLICE SIREN]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGING]

-Hello?

Yes?

But she's here 10
minutes too soon.

Tell her to wait.

I don't know.

Tell her to go the
bathroom or something.

I'll tell her myself.

Excuse me?

Did you speak-- did you
OK with my secretary?

-No.

There's going to be a disaster.

A catastrophe.

-What is her plans?

-Doctor-- a disaster.

-Uh, Zizi-- Zizi-- stop
weeping hysterical shit now,

please, and breathe in deeply.

Breathe in deeply.

Big breaths.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

BRUCE: You're just like
a little girl, you know?

Come here.

But-- very much like a woman.

PRUDENCE: How am I like a woman?

-How are you like a woman?

Well, you're-- you're
dressed like a woman.

Yeah.

And, uh--

-You're making fun of me.

-No, no, I'm not.

No, no.

And, uh, you-- you wear
eye shadow like a woman.

-Yeah.

And, uh-- well, everything
about you's like a woman.

You're-- you're very loved.

-And I think you're like a man.

-You do?

Tell me, how?

PRUDENCE: Well, you're tall,
and-- and you have to shave.

-Oh, no, no.

I do this on purpose.

It's a fashion thing.

Your eyes are so deep.

-Contacts makes one's
eyes look deeper.

-That's right.

I know that.

That actually make
my eyes deeper.

Did you know that?

PRUDENCE: You look
like you're crying.

-I'm deeply emotional.

I could cry.

-I wouldn't like that.

People would look at us.

Don't do that.

I don't think it's manly to cry.

I don't think a man should cry
un-- unless-- un-- unless--

unless-- unless
their parents die.

BRUCE: Well, that's sexism.

You women think we're mature
because we may have been

programmed not to show feelings.

PRUDENCE: You don't
talk to me about sexism.

You're the one that started
talking about myself,

breasts, the minute
that you sat down.

BRUCE: I like your lips.

-Well, I'm not so
sure I like you.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Why are you culling
me-- calling-- calling?

I'm with a patient.

You must never call me
when I'm with a patient.

You know that.

-I'm watching a man cry.

There's a man here
and he's crying.

-Andrew?

Why are speaking in
that absurd accent?

You sound funny.

-Everyone here speaks like this.

You told me to fit in.

-Yes, but you're
not-- you must allow

your own personality come forth.

Otherwise you will not know
what you are let alone who.

-But there is a man here crying.

-Do push ups.

There's a man crying here also.

Goodbye.

-Are you going to cry or not?

Oh, Andrew, if it'll make
you feel better, I'll cry.

Goodbye.

-I feel better now.

I always feel better
after a good cry.

-Well, good.

Now can we order
something now, please?

-Oh, yeah, of course.

Um, I'm sorry.

Uh-- waiter, s'il vous plait.

I recommend the
highlight, the cassoulet.

It's very, very good here.

-I always get the thing with
the little white peas in it.

-White beans, white beans.
[BLOWS NOSE] Can we have,

uh, a couple menus--

-Kitchen's closed.

-Kitchen's closed?

But I'm starving.

I-- I thought we were going
to have a late lunch--

-What do you mean
the kitchen's closed?

-Kitchen's closed for two hours.

-No, no.

Hang on--

-I start biting the inside of
my mouth when I get too hungry.

-No, that's OK.

I know the, uh, maitre d.

He's also the owner.

He'll take care of us.

Can you tell, uh, maitre d,
that we'd kind of like to have--

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Did you understand him?

-Yeah, of course.

He said he'd, uh, get
the maitre d right away.

Gee, you have a very,
uh, lovely mouth.

-Thank you.

-Think something terrible
is going to happen.

Something awful.

I know it.

Uh, I feel it in my bone.

I have weakness for betrayal.

-Who-- who is going
to be betrayed.

ZIZI: The one I love the most.

-You are going to be betrayed?

-My son is going to be betrayed.

-What Italian?

ZIZI: Italian?

Italian what?

-Your telling me he's
going to be betrayed.

What-- what are you
talking about here?

ZIZI: Because my son--
he's going-- Of course.

Why not?

Yes, Doctor, how do I tell him?

-You could call him.

ZIZI: Yes.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Hello?

Hello.

Bob?

It's mother.

-Hello, mother.

-Yes, well, uh, you see, um.

I was in that nice French
restaurant-- you know,

Les-- les Bouchons, and Bruce
was there with-- with a girl

all dressed in pink.

And-- and I saw him.

-You saw Bruce with a
woman in a restaurant?

BRUCE: I feel we
agree on all issues.

I feel that you're also a
Francophile if you always

like French cooking, French
wine, quiet evenings at home.

Uh, foreign films.

Subtitled ones.

I feel you hate shallowness.

I'll bet you never
read "People" magazine.

-I do read it.

I write for it.

-Oh, see?

We agree on everything.

Uh, I'm going to cry again.

-No, no, no.

Don't do that.

I can't identify
with men that cry.

I want them to be strong.

-Oh, you're quite
like Bob, then.

-Who?

-Well, thank you for
telling me, Mother.

ZIZI (ON PHONE): Now-- what
are you going to do about it?

-Well, I don't know.

Maybe I'll kill myself.

I'm not sure.

ZIZI (ON PHONE):
No, no, no, no, no.

Stay on the phone.

Keep talking.

Don't hang up.

Think of this as a hotline.

-Mother, mother.

I have to go to group.

ZIZI (ON PHONE): Ah, group.

Yes, that's very good.

You stay in groups.

-Yes, mother.

-Votre probleme is very simple.

It is not a question
l'amour but of sex.

You need [FRENCH].
[? be ?] physical.

When in doubt, overcompensate.

You need to marchez
down to the park.

Coupez des fleurs.

No, don't coupez des fleurs.

Find a shop that sells flowers.

Buy some flowers.

PRUDENCE: No, no, no, no.

It's just that man over
there keeps looking at me,

and if I don't get
something to eat soon,

I'm going to get sick.

BRUCE: Listen, no-- sh, sh.

I irritated you with Bob again.

It's a lovely dress.

-Thank you.

-I like the nail polish.

-I have it on my toes, too.

See?

-You feel free enough with me
to put your feet on the table.

PRUDENCE: I didn't put my feet.

I put one foot.

-That's beautiful.

PRUDENCE: I was hoping
to get your friend,

the maitre d's, attention.

BRUCE: Listen-- oh,
ow-- we'll get married.

Mm, we'll, we'll
live in Connecticut.

We'll have two cards.

Bob will live over our garage.

Everything will be wonderful.

We'll take vacations to Paris.

-I don't feel like taking
a vacation with you.

The only thing I
feel like is eating,

and I know we're not
going to even get

any brand cereal
in this restaurant.

I think you're insane, and
I'm just going home now.

-No, no.

Here, let me--

-You're afraid of life.

-Just get my coat, please.

-What coat?

-We're the only people in here.

It's a pink raincoat.

-You're afraid of
feeling emotional.

That's wrong, Prudence, because
then you have no passion.

-Don't forget the umbrella.

-Did you see "Equus"?

That doctor felt it'd be
better to blind eight horses

in a stable with a metal
spike than have no passion.

-Oh, yeah?

-In my life I'm not going to
be afraid to blind horses,

Prudence.

-You queer!

-Ha.

You missed the metaphor.

-No, I didn't miss the metaphor.

I'm going the wrong way.

-No, no.

You just totally
missed the metaphor.

I could never love someone
who misses metaphors.

-You know, somebody
should have you committed?

BRUCE: Well, I'm not
afraid of commitment.

You are.

-Goodbye.

PRUDENCE: Hey.

I was going to take you to see
a revival of "The Tree of Wooden

Clogs," and then home to my
place for sexual intercourse.

But, uh, now I'm not.

I think it's time you left.

-Oh, wait a minute.

You're not rejecting anybody.

I'm rejecting you.

You're a first class idiot.

-And you're a
castrating, frigid bitch.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-If I find him, and I'm--
well-- when I find him,

I'm going to crack his
little coconut open.

CHARLOTTE: Now why don't
you just breathe in.

Breathe deep, and just
let it out very slowly.

Slowly, slowly.

Now, doesn't that feel better?

Wouldn't you be more
comfortable sitting down?

I know I'm always more
comfortable sitting down.

Well, I am sitting down, but
I'm really most comfortable when

I'm sitting down when I'm
sitting down over there.

So why don't you sit down there,
and, um-- and I'll come around

and I'll sit down here.

And then, uh, and then
we'll both be sitting down,

and that's fine, OK?

-OK, Charlie.

Time out.

You are going to set a
new record here, you know?

You have seven sessions that
you didn't speak one words.

If you continuing
like this [INAUDIBLE].

Anyway-- The next
patient now, please.

-Hi, Charlie.

-So, what's on your
mind this week?

-I threw a glass of water
at somebody in a restaurant.

-Did you?

Were they cut?

-No.

I, uh, didn't throw the glass.

I just threw the water.

Yeah.

They got all wet.

-Do, you, uh-- do you
remember this drawing?

-I don't remember.

They all look alike.

-When this drawing was drawn
by an emotionally disturbed

three-year-old, his
parents beat him

every morning after breakfast.

Orange juice, toast, Special K.

-Mhm.

-Well you see the
point I'm making?

-Yes, I do.

Sort of.

What point are you making?

-Well, uh, the point is when
a porpoise comes to see me

for the first time--
did I say porpoise?

I didn't-- what is
the word I want?

Um-- porpoise--
pompous, pom-pom,

polyester, paparazzi,
polypatient.

I-- I'm sorry, I mean patient.

-Could you stop thinking
about your problems?

-What are you talking about?

-You constantly speak
about your problems.

I mean, it's a therapy.

We're here to solve
our problems and you

only speak about your problems.

I also have problems.

I'm trying to solve them.

I've got my heart
broken, and I find a way.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING]

-Do not speak like that.

I don't understand
what you're saying!

-I-- I guess I missed childhood
where one could look to a horse

for emotional satisfaction
other than the person.

I mean, the horse
never disappointed me.

-You still active
with that horse?

Ah.

No, you feel
disappointed in people?

-Yeah.

Every man I have I try and
have a relationship with

turns out to be crazy, and
the ones that aren't crazy

are dull, but maybe it's me.

Maybe I look for
faults where I'll never

have a successful relationship.

I mean, maybe I do it to myself.

What do you think?

-Um-- what I think?

It doesn't matter.

Eh-- what do you think?

PRUDENCE: Uh, I
don't really think.

I just wonder.

-So what do you want?

PRUDENCE: Really?

-Of course.

I mean, what do you
think therapy's for?

It's for, eh, you know.

It's for really
what do you wonder?

-Well, uh, something
mystical happened.

-Oh, now, now we are
getting somewhere.

Go on.

-Yeah.

Well, I, um-- I put my ad
in The New York Magazine,

and it appeared in an
issue with a picture

of Venus de Milo on the cover.

PRUDENCE: So anyway, I was
coming up out of the subway

stairs and this peapod
just bashes into me

and my stuff goes all over--

-What?

PRUDENCE: This peapod.

-What a-- what--
what means "peapod"?

-No, it's just an expression
instead of cussing so anyways,

my stuff goes all
over the place,

and this guy-- I thought
he was going to help me,

and he comes along and he
winds up stealing my magazine.

So I went up to
the newsstand and I

asked the guy if he
had New York Magazine.

Well, he did have it,
but he had the new issue,

and I had the one that was
the week before that one.

You know, when the
ad wasn't in there.

So I asked him very
specifically do--

did you have the issue with
the Venus on the cover?

-Is that the one with no arms?

BRUCE: Yeah, that's right.

No, uh--

-Ugh.

I-- and ugh.

I mean it's just so-- whew.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

I-- I know what you mean.

In any case, we-- we rearranged
to meet at a restaurant

for lunch, and I brought my--
my, uh, New York Magazine.

With my ad.

With me into the restaurant.

-So, what-- what--
what is the attraction?

What-- what is the big deal?

-The big deal is when I got
home, I had the right issue.

I mean, somehow, I bought
the issue with the Venus

on the cover.

-You won't believe
this-- I didn't have

the copy of the magazine
in which I ran the ad.

The Venus de Milo copy.

I had the-- a new issue.

PRUDENCE: Do you
suppose I blocked out

that I bought the right issue
because I was afraid of him

maybe?

-No, no, no.

The guy you was meeting.

Eh, he had the right issue, and
you took his copy by mistake.

-God, sometimes you're
so insensitive it

just makes me want to puke.

I-- something mystic happened.

-You see, It was like a sign.

-A sign?

Yes, it was a sign.

-To do what?

-Oh, uh, I don't know.

Signs are very, very
difficult to decipher.

You'll always find that.

Maybe it was just
a sign to answer

an ad rather than place one?

-Really, I don't, um-- I don't
think we should get into this.

This could be-- we could
be getting into um, um--

Nicaragua, El
Salvador, South Africa.

Um-- Chile, danger, India,
dangerous territory.

Why don't you tell me about this
man who-- who wrote the letter

and replayed to the
ad which you placed

in the vanishing magazine.

Now what was he like?

-Oh, no, no.

It was a she.

-You can always come
back for me, darling.

-No.

Stewart, I told you, you
can't talk to me that way

if I'm going to stay
in therapy with you.

-You are so beautiful
when you're hungry.

-I'm not hungry.

I just ate.

Had three chili
dogs all the way--

-No, angry.

Angry.

-Angry?

-Angry.

-Angry--

-Yes, so many women who've been
seduced by the psychiatrist

take them to court.

-But you wanted it, darling.

-How could I have wanted
it when one of our topics

is "I don't know what I want".

-But you wanted that, darling.

-Stop calling me darling.

You know, I must be out of
my mind to keep seeing you.

Obviously you can't
be my therapist

after we've had an affair.

-Two lousy nights
have not an affair.

-Because they were lousy.

-They were great.

Oh, they were great.

I was great.

Was I not great?

No, really, it was
the fact it was

only two nights that was lousy.

-You know, it's a common belief
that it's wrong for therapists

and patients to
have sex together.

-Not in California.

-But we're not in California.

-We can move there.

We could buy a house.

Pool, jacuzzi, the whole thing.

The running shoes.

Everything.

-Stewart, I-- I don't feel
we're right for one another.

I feel that you have
masculinity problems.

I hate your vest, and I never
really liked you in bed.

-I'm great in bed.

What are you talking about?

-No-- now you have problems
with premature ejaculation.

-[FOREIGN SPEECH] Listen, honey.

There is nothing
premature about it.

Our society's paced quickly.

We all got a lot
of things to do.

I ejaculate quickly on purpose.

-Purpose?

Purpose?

-Any-- anyway-- well--
well, I-- you've become--

can't got time for wait
around for a woman's coming

in a half hour.

-I don't believe you.

-Well, fuck you.

Cunt.

BRUCE: Run that ad in here.

Now you know how Bob
feels about me putting

these ads in
magazines for women.

He's real hostile about it.

The guy I've been
living with for a year.

-Ugh, I thought you were
someone else this whole session.

I'm sorry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Well, it must be 20 after.

-What does that mean?

BRUCE: Nothing.

It's an expression.

People say it when there's
a lull in the conversation.

-Woo.

Wowee.

-This will only took a moment.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

OK.

Over here, sit down.

OK, come sit down.

I want somebody to
start straight away.

Start talking.

Someone, anyone.

-I'll start.

[CARS HONKING]

GIRL: OK.

Go ahead, Tony.

-Well, it's the same old thing.

You know, it's this
whole thing with Bruce.

Just needs to be sort of like
a nightmare at this point.

ZIZI: Oh, no, no, no.

It's not the pain.

The pain is something else.

The pain doesn't last.

It's merely a warning
of coming catastrophe.

Disaster.

BRUCE: No, it's not.

ZIZI: It's the
goddamn awful noise

that you know goddamn
well just what you

are doing when you
screw that girl.

You know goddamn well who's
heart you are breaking.

-I didn't screw her.

-My foot.

-I threw water on her.

Ha.

Was she that hot?

BRUCE: Zizi, it's just
not of your business.

-None of my business?

None of my business?

How dare you say it's
none of my business.

I am the mother.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

ZIZI: Even if he
has a beard now,

it's goddamn well going
to be my business.

I saw you.

I saw her.

I saw you looking
at her with all

the pink things all over her.

I saw you following her.

You didn't even
notice I was there.

It didn't make any
difference that I was there.

You didn't even try
to hide it from me.

-I didn't fondle her.

-Yes, but you wanted to.

-May be so, but I didn't.

I sucked her toe.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

ZIZI: What are you doing?

Where are you going?

To see her again?

To suck her feet again?

-No, I'm never going
to see that girl again.

I'm going to see someone else.

-Not another girl.

-You got it, Zizi.

Will Bob be quite
so understanding

about this new one?

-[MURMURS IN FRENCH]

-Sir, you wanted table, eh?

-Yeah, oui.

-You want some drink
or some-- some food?

-No, thanks.

I'm waiting for somebody.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Hello.

Hi.

Again.

-Hello.

-Odd coincidence.

-Yes.

Yes it is, isn't it?

-You meeting somebody?

-Yes, I am as a matter of fact.

-Oh.

Me too.

-You answering an ad again?

-Uh, no.

Why would you ask me that?

-Well, uh, I am.

I mean, I put one in again.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-Did you get a response?

-Yeah.

As a matter of fact I did.

Somebody named Ashley.

-Quelle surprise.

-Yeah.

Actually, it was she who
recommended this restaurant.

-Encore surprise.

-You changed your name lately?

-You changed your height lately?

-Um-- I'm afraid
it's crossed my mind

that you answered my ad again.

-I would not be so stupid as
to answer the same ad twice.

-Oh.

Oh, you see, I changed the ad.

I was hoping to get a
different sort of person.

-By lying about your height?

-It occured to me that being 6
foot 4 might frighten someone.

Especially if they were short.

Of course, you're not short.

In fact, you and I are
actually a very good size

for each other.

In bed, we'd be very--

-I really don't want to
pursue that, all right?

-May I sit down?

-No.

-Oh.

Can I ask you one thing then?

-Free restaurant.

-Is it Prudence or Ashley?

-Sit down.

I-- I feel really embarrassed.

It's really Prudence.

Um, you see, Ashley
was this name.

Well, it's-- a childhood
kind-- I-- I'm sorry.

-The minute I saw you I
thought it might be you.

-You oughta be a
soothsayer or something.

-You oughta be in therapy.

I am in therapy.

-It doesn't seem to work.

-How's Bob?

Uh, he's kind of
grumpy these days.

-Perhaps he's
getting his period.

-I don't really understand
much about menstruation.

Tell me about it.

-Oh, fuck off.

Let me ask you something, Mr.
Pulitzer Prize winning author

of average height who's looking
to hook a different sort

of a woman who's into
Kierkegaard [INAUDIBLE].

I mean what's wrong
with me, Prudence?

Yeah, I know you
just love Ashley.

She's just your type.

But let me tell you
something about her.

She's a liar, and a fake,
and she's full of shit.

And you know something?

And-- and I know I'm attractive.

I'm not-- without
being conceited.

I'm fairly attractive.

I mean I'm not within
the world's 2%.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, there.

Whoa!

I think you're very,
very attractive.

I-- I don't even know Ashley.

-Well--

-Yes?

-Well, I don't know if I can
really credit your opinion.

You're sort of a
crackpot, aren't ya?

-You really don't
like me, do you?

-Well, now that you
put it that way-- no,

I probably don't like you.

-Well, I don't like you either.

-Fine.

There we have it.

It was delightful
to see you again.

[WHIMPERING]

-I really hate it when you cry!

You are much too tall to cry!

-I'm sorry.

Ah!

It's not you.

Something was just
coming up for me.

Some childhood thing.

-I miss childhood.

-Yeah.

I thought you were leaving?

-Well, I was.

-Well, then why are
we going upstairs?

-To wait for my date.

-I'm your date.

-Yeah, I know.

-Yeah.

-But-- let me ask you.

Why did you put that
ad in the paper?

I mean, if you're living
with this person named Bob,

why are you trying
to meet a woman?

-Well, I-- I want to be
open to all experiences.

-Well, that's all
very fun, but surely

you just can't turn on and
off your sexual preferences.

BRUCE: I don't have to
turn them on and off.

I prefer ball sacks.

PRUDENCE: You see, I just
wasn't prepared for bisexual.

-Well, it's
unconventional, I know.

My wife, Sally, couldn't
deal with it at all.

-You were married?

-For six years.

Yeah.

I married this girl,
Sally, from grammar school.

She was runner-up
for homecoming queen,

but when she found out I was
sleeping with a man who can't

even read the gas meter,
she got real angry

and we got a divorce.

-Well, I-- I guess if you're
homecoming queen runner-up,

you don't expect to have
these sorts of problems.

-Yeah.

Do you want to be married?

-Well, I don't know.

It's so confusing.

I mean, I-- I knew when
I was a little girl,

the "Million Dollar Movie"
showed this filmed called

"Every Girl Should Be Married"
every night for seven days.

Well, it was this dumb comedy
about this infantile girl

played by Betsy Drake who falls
in love with this pediatrician

played by Cary Grant after
she sees him in a drugstore.

Well she sees them
for two minutes,

and she wants to move
in and have his babies.

Well, of course he thought
she was totally obnoxious.

But then at the end of the
movie, he said you're right,

you're adorable, and
then they got married.

-Well that's easy
enough to understand.

It was a comedy.

PRUDENCE: Well, yeah, I know,
but how do you explain this?

That Betsy Drake did, in fact,
marry Cary Grant in real life.

Of course, it didn't
last very long.

And then he married several
other people, and one of them

was Diane Cannon.

And she later said that
he was insane and did LSD.

-So there you have it.

-Have what?

-I don't know.

-You really don't know, do you?

-But you haven't left yet.

You said you were leaving,
but then you stayed.

-I know, but that's not
particularly meaningful.

I was just curious as to why
you put that ad in the paper.

-So you'd answer.

You're so afraid of things.

I just had this litte
urge to kiss you.

-I'll-- I'll get a rash.

-Where?

-I don't want to answer that.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Yes, thank you.

-Thank you so much.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-I love this place.

There's someone
to watch over you.

[HARMONIZING]

-(BOTH SINGING) Someone
to watch over me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

STUART: That was great, huh?

Was it not fantastic?

Ho ho.

Really great, huh?

Ah, what is it with
you people, huh?

You ladies haven't
got done with the sex.

You think sex is supposed to
go on for hours or something.

If you are not satisfied
with that performance,

then you got a problem
that I can't solve.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-So what about this guy?

Hm?

Did you slept with him yet?

-Stuart?

-No, really.

I mean this is therapy.

-Stuart-- well, yeah.

I wasn't planning to, but, but--

-Was he better than me?

-Ha ha, yes!

-No really, I mean, this
office is no place for lies.

I mean what are you telling me?

You like him better?

-Mhm.

Much better.

-OK.

Fine.

I suppose he took his time.

Yes?

-Yeah.

-I suppose he lasted
for just hours!

-Mhm.

-That's sick.

That's sick.

People wanting sex for
a long time is sick!

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Mrs. Wishit.

Mrs. Wishit, please
don't slam the door

when I'm trying to meditate.

It's very disconcerting.

Would you send in my
next client, please?

Thank you.

-So he was a real
success, this guy, huh?

-Well, success and failure are
not particularly likable terms

for describing sexual outings.

But, if you must, yes,
it was successful.

Probably his
experiences with men

have made him all that
much better as a lover.

-With men?

-He's bisexual.

Ha ha.

Yeah.

-But Masterson and Johnson say
that homosexuals make far more

responsive sexual
partners anyway.

-But I have to tell you, you
are talking such bullshit.

Masterson-- these bastards
are out of Sigmund Freud.

What are you talking--
I know-- I understand.

I understand completely now.

You are afraid of a real man.

You're so-- you have to cuddle
and with some eunuch who

doesn't no presenting no threat.

-There is no need to
call him a eunuch.

A eunuch has no testicles.

-I've got balls, darling.

-I suppose you're just going to
sit there and not say anything.

And that is supposed
to make me cry.

-You are a fag hag.

Right, you are a fag hag.

I got to write this down.

Excuse me.

-Wait-- now wait a minute.

I admit that I find this man's
supposed bisexuality a little

confusing, and-- and I don't
quite believe it, but--

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

What are you writing down?

STUART: Wouldn't
you like to know?

Wouldn't you just loving to
know what I'm writing down?

PRUDENCE: You call this therapy?

For whom?

-You like to see women
cry, don't you, Andrew?

But you get upset
when you see men cry.

-So.

When are you seeing the homo--
[LAUGHING] sexual again.

-Tonight.

He's making dinner for us.

-Here.

You are going-- you are going
to eat-- you are-- you are going

into-- you are going
to eat with this poof?

-Yes.

But, I-- I mean,
he's sick, you know.

I tell you, he's sick
They are sick, because--

[STAMMERING]

I got nothing to add to that.

-You know what people
say when there's

a very long, long conversation?

They say, oh--

-Oh, it must be 20 after.

-I imagine people say it must
be 20 after to you all the time.

-Excuse me a moment.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-I'll get it!

I got it.

Hang on.

Who is it, as if I didn't know.

PRUDENCE (ON INTERCOM): Bruce?

-I wouldn't know.

Maybe--

-Hi, Prudence.

Come on up.

Third floor.

It's on the right.

Why don't you grow up, please?

-Why don't you grow up?

-You're a big baby.

-Oh, really?

Well if I'm rubber and you're
glue, then whatever you say

bounces back and sticks to you.

BRUCE: Prudence.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

BOB: Oh.

You.

-Hi.

You must be Bob.

-Where's Bruce?

-Upstairs.

BOB: When you see him,
would you please tell him

I'd like to see him in our room.

PRUDENCE: All right.

-Here we are.

Here we are.

One Perrier, on Poland water.

Join me.

-Bob's here.
-Oh, yeah.

I know.
Did you meet him?

PRUDENCE: You know, listen.

I thought you told me
he was going to go away.

BRUCE: Yeah, he was
going away, but then he

changed his mind and--

-You mean he's going
to have dinner with us?

-Oh, no.

I see.

No, no.

He said he was going to
his mother's for dinner.

He's got a very, uh, funny
mother and she's sort of, uh,

theatrical.

You know.

Theatrical.

-Oh.

BRUCE: But don't
let Bob upset you.

-Oh, no, no.

He didn't upset me.

He's the one who
seems uncomfortable.

-Come on.

Where are you going.

Don't be so shy.

You nervous?

-No.

BRUCE: Well, cheers.

-He said he wanted to see you
in his room, or your room.

I'm not sure which one it is.

-I'll be right back.

[INDISTINGUISHABLE ARGUING]

[GLASS BREAKING]

-Prudence, Prudence.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Hey, hey, hey.

-Listen, I really think
that I should leave.

-No, no.

Everything's fine now.

Give me this.

Hey.

What do you have in here?

This weighs a ton.

-Subway tokens.

-Ha ha, you are a lady.

Listen, listen.

Everything's fine.

Now, he vents his
anger, that's all.

And it's all done now, OK?

-But I thought that you told me
that the two of you had broken

up, and he wasn't jealous
about you seeing women, and--

-That's not exactly true.

I'm sorry, let me
explain this to you.

Some members of Bob's
group therapy as it happens

sent me this note saying that
if I wanted to go see women,

I should just go
out and see women.

So I just sort of
presumed, you know,

that they convinced
Bob eventually,

but I guess they haven't.

-They wrote you a note?

-Oh, the rice.

Ah, it's Rice-A-Roni.

-Wait-- wait a minute.

-No, no.

Hang on.

Stay there, stay there.

I'll be right back.

Oh, God.

Ah!

Ah.

-Hi.

-I broke a vase.

-Thought I heard something.

-Bruce says I'll
like you if I can

just get over my
initial hostility.

PRUDENCE: Hope so.

-Bruce is a really
conflicted person, you know.

I suffer a lot dealing with him.

-Sorry.

BOB: Now this latest
thing-- having

women traipse through
here at all hours.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Did you ever see
"Sunday Bloody Sunday"?

-No, I-- I don't think I--

BOB: Well, I sure
wish Bruce hadn't.

Almost ruined him.

It's all about this guy
played by Murray Head,

and he's having an
affair with Peter

Finch and that English actress.

-Isn't Peter Finch dead?

-Yes.

Well-- but the point is, it's
really a very silly movie

because I don't think
that bisexuality exists.

Do you?

-Well, you know something?

I-- I really wanted
to talk about this

BOB: I think Bruce is just
trying to prove something

by running around
with all these women

and putting ads in the papers.

And my mother said so too.

She says I have to be more
patient and understanding.

It's probably just a
phase he's going through,

and I have to put more
work into the relationship.

But I don't want to blow
this one because it's

so difficult to meet new people.

-I know it is--

BOB: I think everyone is
basically gay, don't you?

BRUCE: Well, I burned
the wild Rice-A-Roni.

But, uh, we've
got lots of salad.

-I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Bruce?

Can I speak to you
a second, please?

I'm uncomfortable.

I mean you told me that
Bob wasn't going to be here

and that he wasn't jealous
about you seeing women.

So maybe I should just go.

[DISCUSSION IN BACKGROUND]

-Do it for our sake.

-All right.

OK.

Hold on.

Bob?

Prudence wants to talk to you.

Come on.

Just gonna-- we're
gonna talk this out.

Prudence?

-I'm sorry.

-Well, there's no need to be.

I've realized I make
you uncomfortable.

-Oh-- Oh, no.

You-- you really don't.

I mean, I thought you would,
but you don't, and that's just

exactly what I
was telling Bruce.

-That's right.

Prudence likes you, Bob.

She's not like the
other women, you know?

-Yeah.

I like lots of men.

[INAUDIBLE]

-Well, we have that in common.

-Yeah.

We do.

-So, Prudence, uh-- you've
been writing about anybody

interesting for
People these days?

Prudence writes for people.

-No one interesting.

Just, you know, people.

-My mother reads People.

-Does she now?

Well, that surprises me.

She's French, you know.

-Oh.

-Bob's French, too, but he
doesn't, uh, remember it.

France-- he was only
six when he came here.

-I am not French.

My mother may be French,
but I am not French.

I'm an American.

-Ah, OK, actually that's true.

He's an American.

-I understand.

Um, Bruce tells me that
your mother is theatrical?

I'm-- I'm sorry, was
that a bad thing to say?

-Well, I suppose it depends on
what you mean by theatrical.

-Well, I don't know.

Bruce said it.

I mean, I hardly even
know who Ethel Merman is.

-He probably means she
has a certain flair.

Is that what you mean?

-His mother acts
like a transvestite.

That's what I mean.

-Just because my mother
has a sense of humor

is no reason to accuse
her of being unfeminine.

Don't you agree that
women theoretically

can have a sense of humor?

-You know, I've never
liked transvestites.

I mean, I've never
thought they were funny.

It's such a repugnant
image of women.

-My mother is not
a transvestite!

-I know, but I
didn't mean to imply

anything about your mother.

I-- I like Jack Lemon as a
woman in "Some Like it Hot".

I mean-- well, but,
that was a movie.

I mean, but what
do I mean, Bruce?

-Change the subject, Prudence.

-Yes.

May we, please?

-All right.

What does Bob do for a living?

-Excuse me, but I'm
still in the room.

-Sorry.

What do you do
for a living, Bob?

-I'm a pharmacist.

-Really?

-Really.

Imagine how interesting
that must be.

-Can I freshen your
Poland water, Prudence?

PRUDENCE: No, no.

I'm fine, thanks.

-So, Bob's a pharmacist.

Um, but your a pharmacist.

-Yes.

Mhm.

PRUDENCE: What do
you-- well, what

do you think about
the Tylenol decision

to stop making capsules?

-I think it's silly.

Look, I realize I'm making
everyone uncomfortable.

Excuse me.

-Look, Bruce, this
isn't fair to me.

This is you two's problem.

This is the problem you guys
should work out together.

-You're right.

I know.

You're always right.

That's why I like you so much.

PRUDENCE: Will you just
stop that right now!

BRUCE: You're too sensitive.

Besides, he's probably getting
ready to go to his mother's.

-My mother's on the phone.

-I didn't hear the phone ring.

BOB: I called her.

She wants to speak to you.

-Hello?

-Hello.

Why are you causing
all this trouble?

PRUDENCE (ON PHONE): Me?

Trouble?

I-- I--

-Yes.

What is This is this passion you
have for ruining my son's life?

PRUDENCE (ON PHONE): I
have absolutely no interest

in your son's life whatsoever--

BRUCE (ON PHONE):
Now look, Zizi.

I've asked you not
to meddle in my life,

and now I'm telling
you it doesn't

do any one any good when you do.

Including Bob--

[HUMMING]

Don't-- do that!

Zizi!

-Zizi!

She's singing Bach, I think.

-Hello, mother?

Mother, it's me.

You can stop singing now.

OK.

Well, just finish that section.

[SINGING]

-Finish this conversation
in the other room,

and please get out
of here so Prudence

and I can have our date.

What's she singing?

-[INAUDIBLE].

-Keep singing, Zizi.

Prudence!

Oh, no, no.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I should have protected
you from this.

-Bruce, this is very silly.

I mean as far as I can
tell, you all are married

and maybe you should
just go and see

a marriage counselor
or something.

I mean, we're only seeing
one another casually, and--

BRUCE: Prudence.

Prudence.

I don't feel the
least bit casual.

PRUDENCE: You're giving
me my rash again.

-How can you tell?

-I'm getting goosebumps.

-See, that's not a rash,
and it's not casual.

It's--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-What's that?
-The doorbell.

Someone's here.

BOB: Don't let her in.

-Don't let who in?

-My Mother.

I told her I was
checking into a hotel

and then jumping out the window
I can't continue this way.

ZIZI: Let me in!
-I don't understand.

You just hung up on her.

-She lives next door.

BOB: Just tell her I've gone.

BRUCE: I'm calling my therapist.

Unless you think your
therapist is better?

PRUDENCE: No, no, no.

BOB: What about
my group therapy?

PRUDENCE: I slept
with my therapist.

BRUCE: What do you mean you
slept with your therapist?

-When you were sucking
my filthy, big toes.

Oh, God, I hate pink.

I'll wear nothing but
black until I die.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Zizi-- don't interfere
in this, Zizi.

-Interfere?

I am the family.

Oh-- oh, you don't look
at all what I expected.

That's nice pink.

-He's going to
see us right away.

Isn't that great?

-Therapist?

Oh, I never got in need of
therapist in all my life.

And I don't have any
intention of starting now.

We should all have a
nice dinner and forget

about our differences.

Oh, Bob!

[ELEVATOR RING]

-He's here.

-Who?

-Dr. Framingham.

My therapist.

-He's right next
door to Mrs. Wallace.

I could have been in the next
room when you'd slept with him.

-Well?

-Come on, we'll introduce you.

-Come in.

-She's here.

I-- I'll just wait out here.

BRUCE: Mrs. Wallace, this is
Bob-- Well, I'll-- listen.

I'm going to leave you
two and go have dinner.

-You're not-- you're not
going to leave me here.

-Bob.

You're not trying to help.

-Prudence, what a
wonderful surprise.

-No-- no, this isn't
what you think.

-But, of course, I know.

Absolutely.

I know, it's so
wonderful that you've

come in without appointment.

We don't say it, because
it's too therapeutical.

-I think that you're
misunderstanding.

-Keep going, dear.

No, I never misunderstand.

-You said we were going
to talk to her together.

-No, that would be group
therapy, wouldn't it?

-A small group.

-For the first session, you just
listen to what Mrs. Wallace has

to say-- yes-- and
I'll see you later.

-I have to ask you a--

-This drawing was drawn by
an emotionally disturbed

three-year-old
whose parents beat

him every morning
after breakfast.

Hey-- are you this
short sighted?

PRUDENCE: Stop that!

STUART: Don't stop.

Will you stop that routine?

You're going to expect me
to believe you come in here

without appointment if you
don't want to getting laid?

PRUDENCE: Oh, Stuart!

STUART: Come on, darling,
it's only take a moment.

PRUDENCE: I know!

-Are you child psychologist?

-Why do you ask that?

-Toys.

-Do they bother you?

-No.

You're a grown up.

You can play with
whatever you like.

-What did you play
with as a child?

-Toys, dolls-- were
you allowed dolls?

-Yes, I was.

It's nuclear weapons I
wasn't allowed to play with.

STUART: Where are you going?

PRUDENCE: None of your business,
and as a matter of fact

you've been married before.

[ARGUING BEHIND DOOR]

PRUDENCE: Hey.

-Hi.

Hey, are you OK?

-Of course.

Why wouldn't it be?

-Uh, is that why you went
to bed with him right away?

-Let's not discuss
that, all right?

BRUCE: Hey, I thought I
heard scuffling in there.

PRUDENCE: Are we going
to get some dinner

BRUCE: Yes.

Yes we are.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Oh!

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Is it a very good idea
that we've come back here?

I mean, we've never
gotten any service here.

-It's the gateway
to our honeymoon.

-Bonjour.

Ah-- [SPEAKING FRENCH].

I think I kind of like it.

This is our place.

-Sorry if I'm late, Mr. Bean.

Let me take care of you.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-He's been putting these ads for
women in the paper for a while

now, but I think he's
serious about this Prudence.

-Well, why does that bother you?

-Why?

Because he's my roommate.

-Your who?

If he moves out, you just
get another roommate.

Put an ad in the paper.

As a matter of fact, my son
is looking for roommate.

He doesn't get along
with either Mr. Wallace.

Maybe he could move in with you.

-I don't think you understand.

Bruce and I aren't
just roommates.

We're-- Doesn't Bruce ever
talk about me in his therapy?

-Bruce?

Um, mm, uh, maybe I should
get my dirigible-- oh,

but she isn't here at
the moment, is she?

This is a special
session, isn't it.

-Dirigible?

-Did I say dirigible?

What word do I want?

-Blimp?

-The word you're looking for.

Is it blimp?

-It most certainly is not?

Blimp?

Boom-- Broommate-- roommate!

You wish to interview my
son as a possible roommate.

-Your son?

Is he gay?

-My son?

Absolutely-- that is the most
rudest thing-- an innocent boy

is looking for a room, and
you presume him to be gay?

Queer-- oh, homosexual?

That is sick.

That is so sick!

Ugh!

-Have you been Mrs. Bruce?

Would you consider it?

-Mrs. Bruce?

-Yes.

-Bruce?

-Yes.

-Bruce Bruce?

-Yes.

-Bruce?

I don't believe this.

I mean you and Bruce love-- ah.

I mean he-- he doesn't
even look homosexual.

He talks about
women all the time.

Puts ads in the
paper for them even.

He didn't whisper anything.

Oh, I wish my secretary--
dirigible, that

is the word I was looking for--
I wish my secretary was here

so she could bring in his
file, but of course it's

after hours, so
she won't be here.

Oh, no.

She's out looking
for men after hours.

Not that she ever
finds any, of course,

because she's very unattractive.

Oh, I expect she's off something
masturbating as we speak.

At what age did you
first masturbate?

-I don't want to talk
about my childhood.

PRUDENCE: Bruce,
I can't marry you.

BRUCE: But you thought about it.

Listen, I overheard you
talking about the possibility

to your psychiatrist.

I heard you say it.

-But, I didn't actually
mean to marry you.

I mean, it was just a reaction.

There was no thought
or reason behind it.

-Yes, yes.

Prudence.

What you just said-- listen.

Listen.

That's exactly what you must do.

React without thought or reason.

Act on instinct.

-Um, what do you and
Bruce do exactly?

-What do you mean?

-Oh, come on.

You know.

I mean-- how do you do it?

-I don't think I want
to talk about that.

-But you must!

You must tell me everything.

-Why?

Patients act out some of
their deepest conflicts

through the sexual act.

Women who get on top
may wish to dominate.

Men who prefer
oral sex with women

may wish to return to the womb.

Every act is a clue to the
trained psychotherapists.

I know a woman who
has sex every day

of her life with a
perfect stranger.

Ha ha.

Sometimes twice a day.

Every day with the
same perfect stranger.

-Then how can they be strangers
if they do it all the time?

-They haven't been introduced.

They don't speak.

They don't caress.

There's none of that--
blech-- foreplay.

They just fuck.

They get straight to
the heart of the matter.

-That sounds disgusting.

-It is not disgusting.

They don't do queer things.

They just have sex.

Straightforward natural sex.

Everything put in the
place it was meant to go.

Ooh-ah!

-I came here to talk about
the person that I love.

-Ah ah ha ha!

I know what you queer, gay,
faggot queen homo-- ugh!

Get up to.

[RETCHING]

-It's people like you who've
oppressed gays for centuries.

BRUCE: Think of peoples
who become heroes

during emergencies and
terrible disasters.

They don't stop to fret
and pick things apart.

They move on sheer adrenaline.

Think of the
uncontrollable disasters,

like-- like the towering inferno
in "Terms of Endearment".

Think of instinct
and adrenaline.

Aren't all your girlfriends
from college married?

PRUDENCE: Oh, yes.

Many of them.

BRUCE: Don't you want children?

PRUDENCE: Yes, I think I do--

BRUCE: So do I. With you and
children and occasionally Bob--

-Cassoulet with white peas.

-White peas.

-I-- whatever, we don't got.

I got a recommendation
for something very nice.

[INAUDIBLE].

-Am I bleeding?

I don't feel any blood.

-It's only a starter's pistol.

I don't want to go to prison.

CHARLOTTE: But-- I'm
sure I have a pain!

Oh!

-Well, maybe you have an ulcer.

My mother has an ulcer.

-Don't be ridiculous.

It would be impossible
for me to have an ulcer.

BOB: But you're not shot.

I know that.

I was very careful
to buy a gun that

would only scare
Bruce and that floozy.

I certainly do not
want to rot in prison

no matter what they say about
the society of incarceration.

-You wanted to punish them?

Good for you, bully!

-Woo, I never thought
of myself as a bully.

I was always on the other side.

Are you sure you
don't have an ulcer?

-I am absolutely proof-positive
sure I don't have an ulcer.

It would be impossible
for me to have an ulcer

because I don't repress things.

I admit my feelings.

When I wanted to hurl
anti-homosexual epithets at you

a minute ago, I just
let them rip-- Wow!

And that is why I'm helping,
and you're making progress too.

-I am?

-You felt anger.

You drew your little toy pistol.

Pow, and shot me.

That is the beginning
of mental health.

-I thought this was
a French restaurant?

-Yes, madam, but
in, um, New York,

only best French restaurant
is serve Italian food.

-You see this guy over here?

Looks like he's trying to hide.

What, he's pretending
to be a waiter now?

-Oh, for God's sakes.

-Who is it?

-It's my therapist.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Would you excuse me
for a minute please?

Dr--

-Ah!

-Why are following me?

-I want you to leave here
with me this instant!

-Are you insane?

-No, but you might be.

I'm going to give
you a sedative,

and then I'm going
to drive you home.

-I can't believe
you're following me.

-I care for my patients.

You are very, very sick.

We have years of
work ahead of us.

-I am discontinuing
my therapy with you.

-Ah, just stop it.

If you're--

PRUDENCE: I just don't
ever want to see you again.

Now will you please
leave this restaurant?

-Hang on, fella.

You want me to hit him?

-If necessary.

OK, the lady wants you
to amscray, mister.

-Ah, is this the degenerate
you told me about?

-What she tell you about me?

-Don't talk to him.

Stuart, leave the restaurant.

I'm getting tired of this.

-Not until we fix
our next appointment.

-But I told you I discontinued
my therapy with you.

-But tell me why.

Why?

Tell me why.

-Because you're a
premature ejaculator

and a lousy therapist.

Now beat it, buster,
before I have

my boyfriend here cold-cock you!

-Ha!

What's that over there?

I'm going to tell you now what
happens to you without therapy,

eh?

You are going to become--
you're going to becoming--

you're going to
become-- excuse me.

You are going to becoming--
you are going to become

the lonely, pathetic old
maid, and pretty soon you're

going to break him
off with this crowd.

And then you are not going
to go out with men at all.

-You are talking
utter gibberish!

I am not going to
wind up and old maid.

In fact, I might even marry
Bruce here, and if I do,

we'll send you a
picture of our children

every Christmas in
the mental institution

where you're going
to be locked up!

-Ah!

-Stop that!

-I--

-Stop it!

STUART: Gotta tell you--

-I know why.

I know why, but it's not
that easy for me to do.

It is not that easy and you
make it seem like it should be.

-Go on, Bob.

Tell them.

-I just want to tell you
he's made me feel very badly.

-Bob--

-You shut up, you.

I am feeling very angry.

-Who are these people?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Give me that!

Give me that!

I am sick of the service
in this restaurant,

and I'm very hungry!

Now I want somebody
to bring me a steak!

Medium rare!

No potato!

Two vegetables,
and a small plate

salad with vinegar and oil,
and a glass of red wine!

[CHATTER]

BRUCE: Both at once.

No, go, go, go-- OK.

-I-- I'm so hungry.

-I understand.

It's a celebration.

-But you should always
have a little sugar

after you have meat.

-[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Mother.

-Ignore her.

-I think she's ignoring you.

-Maybe I will have another one.

-Did you know the service in
this restaurant is superlative?

I hadn't even asked for
anything and whoosh--

BOB: Mother, why are
you dressed in black?

Did somebody die?

-Exactly.

There's been a
death in the family.

-But you and I are the
only people in the family.

-That's what I mean.

A death in the family.

-Something's wrong with Mother.

-The woman there?

She's a patient of mine.

-You are a doctor?

Of what?

-I happen to be a rather well
known psychotherapist actually.

You look to me like
a perfect stranger.

Where is your office?

-He's a terrible therapist.

-Of course.

-You know something?

I think you know
where is my office.

I think that we met
before or something.

CHARLOTTE: Ho ho!

I have never made eyes on
you before in my entire life.

STUART: Maybe not eyes,
but, uh, something.

CHARLOTTE: If you think
I know you-- Andrew,

what are you doing?

Is this where you work?

This is my son I was
telling you about here.

-Oh.

He's quite attractive.

-Why, thank you.

This very nice young man
is a patient of mine.

And what do you think-- he
is looking for a roommate.

Is that a nice coincidence.

-My money's all wet.

I can't pay this.

[CHATTERING]

-Prudence and I are
getting married.

-What about me?

-I thought you were going
to go kill yourself.

-He tried to kill all of us.

-He was expressing his anger.

-Just a moment
ago, I think he was

expressing his fondness
for the waiter.

CHARLOTTE: Who
happens to be my son.

-For God's sake, I just
looked at him, you know?

And I mean you're talking about
running away with this woman

and getting married.

You know, you are
impossible, you know?

I guess I thought
that after I shot you,

you'd give up this whole
silly thing about women.

BRUCE: Yeah, I need the
stability of a woman.

[CHATTERING]

BOB: She told me
I ought to do it.

I'll marry you.

I think Mother would like that.

You know, we'll find
some crackpot Episcopal

minister that will
adopt some children.

-No, no.

I want my own children.

I want to reproduce.

Prudence can give me children.

With you, I can only rent them.

-I don't want to have
children with you.

I want to be left alone.

I want to become a lesbian.

-Oh, this is Andrew.

Now, you know something I
think you'd find interesting,

Andrew, is the therapy
group we have here.

-Would you please
shut up about therapy?

I am sick of hearing
about therapy.

I hate therapy!

Shut up!

I am sick of talking
about myself,

and I am sick of everybody
talking about me!

-You must stop this
self-destructive behavior.

-OK, but I think you are a very
bad therapist in many ways.

-I think you have a terrible,
terrible accent in every way.

What is it supposed
to be anyway?

-It's Italian.

What are you talking about?

-Italian?

Spaghetti Western Italian.

-When was Framingham Italian?

You know that's not Italian.

You're a big phony.

You're a phony.

Absolutely phony.

-All right, I'm not an Italian.

Fuck you, sister.

BRUCE: This is getting
too complicated.

-My stomach feels queasy.

-A gut reaction.

It's instinct,
isn't it Prudence?

Answer.

-Answer what?

-On instinct, is
your stomach queasy?

-Yes.

-Do you need therapy?

-No.

-Uh, is your dress wet?

-Yes.

-Uh, is your name Ashley?

-No.

-Will you marry me?

-Yes.

I've gotta throw up.

-Oh.

-I don't think we've
been introduced.

My name is Bob.

-I-- get off in five minutes.

-Well, I'll be sitting
here with my mother.

BRUCE: All my life
I keep fluctuating

between being traditional
and being insane.

You're not listening.

I asked a question and
she doesn't listen.

Let me talk this out for myself.

For instance, marrying
Sally, my first wife,

was trying to be traditional.

While sleeping with the gas man,
or that time I took my clothes

off in the dentist's
office, are my going

into the opposite extreme.
-I lost my appetite.

I can't eat.

BRUCE: Um, now I meet
Prudence, and I'm just

struck with a sense of balance.

Look, I think I've
learned that-- that life

can tolerate contradiction.

And it isn't about
doing what other people

want me to do, or
expect me to do.

Nor is it about finding myself.

I think it's living doing
what I can with all my might.

-It must be 20 after.

-Oh, someone said that
life is action and passion.

I can't worry it isn't
exactly what it could be.

That people aren't exactly
what they should be.

-We're not picking out dishes.

We'll probably just end up
going to a movie or something.

BRUCE: Beside from being
decently honest, and, uh, not

letting people step on me--
that's really all I understand

about living that
makes any sense.

And, uh, why am I so
taken with Prudence?

There's a line in a
song, you know, that goes

[SINGING IN FRENCH].

You can't command yourself
to respond to someone.

Well, perhaps likewise it's
difficult to explain it

when you do, but what
I began by saying

was that I'm not
happy being only

traditional, or only insane.

-Hi.

BRUCE: And that's
where you fit in.

I feel you're very traditional.

Like Sally, but Sally
had no imagination.

She was too stable, but
you're very unstable.

And because of that,
I think that we

can be very happy together.

-So do I.

-Where do you want to
go on our honeymoon?

-Well-- where else?

I've always loved Paris.

-I've never been
there, but I love it.

-Prudence was too
much of a prude to go,

but Ashley-- you know, you're
gonna have much more fun in bed

with Ashley, but
Prudence is going

to make a much better wife.

-Then let's the three of us go.

-Menage a trois?

[SINGING]

[HARMONIZING]

-Silly song.

-Very silly.

[MUSIC PLAYING]