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1
00:00:00,922 --> 00:00:02,317
Good Morning.
2
00:00:02,318 --> 00:00:04,871
There have been no accidents
on the post for 3 months.
3
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:07,704
For that, you've earned
a coveted three-day weekend.
4
00:00:07,705 --> 00:00:09,700
(cheering, whooping)
5
00:00:09,701 --> 00:00:12,119
I can't wait to get in the woods
with my grandma and bow-hunt some possum.
6
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,407
We never hit anything,
but we do have some sweet talks.
7
00:00:14,408 --> 00:00:17,335
I'm going to the best low-budget
spa in Central Florida.
8
00:00:17,336 --> 00:00:18,937
I have to bring my own lotion.
9
00:00:18,938 --> 00:00:20,038
Oh, sounds sad.
10
00:00:20,039 --> 00:00:22,040
CODY: Keep in mind,
I don't care.
11
00:00:22,041 --> 00:00:24,375
As you enjoy your weekend,
drink responsibly
12
00:00:24,376 --> 00:00:25,910
and don't get into fights.
13
00:00:25,911 --> 00:00:27,812
I wish that were the end
of my safety briefing,
14
00:00:27,813 --> 00:00:29,948
but your history
dictates otherwise.
15
00:00:29,949 --> 00:00:32,984
So... here we go.
16
00:00:32,985 --> 00:00:36,821
Do not start fires.
Do not touch fires.
17
00:00:36,822 --> 00:00:39,223
Do not do things
fire tells you to do.
18
00:00:39,224 --> 00:00:40,658
(quietly): What if it's real persuasive?
19
00:00:40,659 --> 00:00:43,728
Do not take in a feral animal
and try to raise it as a house pet.
20
00:00:43,729 --> 00:00:45,330
(whispers):
What if it's real persuasive?
21
00:00:45,331 --> 00:00:47,532
Do not taunt the marsh birds.
22
00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:50,101
Do not defecate
in a library drop box.
23
00:00:50,102 --> 00:00:52,437
Do not get
married on a bet.
24
00:00:52,438 --> 00:00:53,938
Do not convince an old
25
00:00:53,939 --> 00:00:56,241
Jewish couple you are
their grandson Jeffrey.
26
00:00:56,242 --> 00:00:58,076
They said I had
an adorable punim.
27
00:00:58,077 --> 00:00:59,243
And, finally,
28
00:00:59,244 --> 00:01:02,046
food goes in your mouth
29
00:01:02,047 --> 00:01:03,748
and not anywhere else.
30
00:01:03,749 --> 00:01:04,349
What about...
31
00:01:04,350 --> 00:01:06,417
Not anywhere else.
32
00:01:06,418 --> 00:01:08,019
(groaning)
33
00:01:08,020 --> 00:01:11,488
CODY: The Army is filled with
troops on heroic missions,
34
00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:13,057
and then there's us.
35
00:01:13,058 --> 00:01:15,193
We take care of things at home.
36
00:01:15,194 --> 00:01:17,328
We are the Rear Detachment.
37
00:01:17,329 --> 00:01:19,964
Yes, we're soldiers.
38
00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:25,655
Sync and corrections by brayanatsix
www.addic7ed.com
39
00:01:26,005 --> 00:01:28,006
So really?
40
00:01:28,007 --> 00:01:29,941
A whole three-day weekend,
and you're wasting it
41
00:01:29,942 --> 00:01:31,342
doing fake Ranger training?
42
00:01:31,343 --> 00:01:33,111
Pre-Ranger training. It's "pre."
43
00:01:33,112 --> 00:01:34,612
No more P's until you swallow.
44
00:01:34,613 --> 00:01:36,547
We got to pack on the calories
because Ranger training
45
00:01:36,548 --> 00:01:39,977
means minimal food, water and
sleep, and maximum realization
46
00:01:39,978 --> 00:01:43,221
of our full potential as
badass soldiers in the U.S. Army.
47
00:01:43,222 --> 00:01:44,389
Pass the Splenda?
48
00:01:44,390 --> 00:01:45,990
Of course,
I'm already a Ranger, but...
49
00:01:45,991 --> 00:01:48,126
I promised I'd show this little guy
how to follow in my footsteps.
50
00:01:48,127 --> 00:01:49,494
Maybe even pass you, Pete.
51
00:01:49,495 --> 00:01:51,162
Then it's you
in the footsteps I made.
52
00:01:51,163 --> 00:01:53,398
- Is that a challenge?
- 'Cause it's not much of a sentence.
53
00:01:53,399 --> 00:01:54,632
(silverware clangs)
54
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,535
Milk race, go.
55
00:02:01,706 --> 00:02:03,875
I win.
56
00:02:03,876 --> 00:02:05,810
Oh, how I have not missed this.
57
00:02:05,811 --> 00:02:08,313
Ha! I have more
chicken pox. I win.
58
00:02:08,314 --> 00:02:09,814
(crying)
59
00:02:09,815 --> 00:02:11,516
Idiots.
60
00:02:13,352 --> 00:02:14,519
(with mouth full):
I win!
61
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,187
(crying)
62
00:02:16,188 --> 00:02:17,922
Idiots.
63
00:02:17,923 --> 00:02:19,190
Rip some hair out.
64
00:02:19,191 --> 00:02:21,059
First to make
a noise loses.
65
00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:23,094
Go!
66
00:02:25,564 --> 00:02:26,864
(crashing)
67
00:02:26,865 --> 00:02:28,866
You made a noise. I win.
68
00:02:28,867 --> 00:02:30,368
(Randy crying)
69
00:02:30,369 --> 00:02:31,836
Idiots.
70
00:02:31,837 --> 00:02:34,205
He makes you cry every time.
Why do you keep doing it?
71
00:02:34,206 --> 00:02:36,841
Because one day I'll beat Pete
and then he'll cry.
72
00:02:36,842 --> 00:02:38,743
- That's not gonna happen.
- And I'll probably cry.
73
00:02:38,744 --> 00:02:41,276
There'll be a period of disillusionment.
I may grow a beard.
74
00:02:41,277 --> 00:02:44,382
Well, while you're eating twigs
and urinating outdoors like animals,
75
00:02:44,383 --> 00:02:46,050
I'll be hanging
with my girlfriend this weekend,
76
00:02:46,051 --> 00:02:48,353
indoors, like a human.
(spits)
77
00:02:48,354 --> 00:02:50,088
- Eat the twigs?
- Who eats the twigs? Come on.
78
00:02:50,089 --> 00:02:51,723
- It's a twig.
- Yeah. Come on, Derrick.
79
00:02:51,724 --> 00:02:53,691
- You don't eat the twigs.
- You're better than that.
80
00:02:53,692 --> 00:02:55,593
- You chew on them to stave off the hunger.
- Hey, by the way,
81
00:02:55,594 --> 00:02:57,862
how's it going with Erin
now that her ex-husband's back?
82
00:02:57,863 --> 00:02:59,530
You know, we've all settled in
83
00:02:59,531 --> 00:03:02,233
to a surprisingly workable
domestic arrangement.
84
00:03:02,234 --> 00:03:03,735
Toilet's fixed.
85
00:03:03,736 --> 00:03:05,370
Pipes are fixed.
86
00:03:05,371 --> 00:03:06,971
Sprinkler's fixed.
87
00:03:06,972 --> 00:03:08,406
Oh, thanks, Brandon.
88
00:03:08,407 --> 00:03:11,009
Oh, and I, uh, made
too much jambalaya so...
89
00:03:11,010 --> 00:03:12,477
I brought some over.
90
00:03:12,478 --> 00:03:14,112
Oh, dinner's fixed!
91
00:03:14,113 --> 00:03:15,513
He just loves doing stuff
around the house.
92
00:03:15,514 --> 00:03:16,881
It's like I have my own butler.
93
00:03:16,882 --> 00:03:18,583
Sounds like Erin has
a very special man in her life.
94
00:03:18,584 --> 00:03:19,884
Yeah, and also you.
95
00:03:19,885 --> 00:03:21,786
What? No, I get to do
all the fun boyfriend stuff
96
00:03:21,787 --> 00:03:23,054
like watch movies,
97
00:03:23,055 --> 00:03:24,489
and Brandon just does
all the work.
98
00:03:24,490 --> 00:03:26,691
Who do you think means more
to Erin at the end of the day?
99
00:03:26,692 --> 00:03:28,559
Her film club buddy
or the male model
100
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,428
who does literally
everything else?
101
00:03:30,429 --> 00:03:31,996
Sounds like the second guy
has the edge up.
102
00:03:31,997 --> 00:03:32,797
Feels like he's got the edge.
103
00:03:32,798 --> 00:03:33,598
Feeling like he does.
104
00:03:33,599 --> 00:03:34,599
Hey!
105
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:35,533
Oh!
106
00:03:35,534 --> 00:03:36,634
Come on, man!
107
00:03:36,635 --> 00:03:38,269
Come on! All right, first one
108
00:03:38,270 --> 00:03:39,804
to finish their lap pasta wins.
Ready? Go!
109
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:47,078
(grunts)
110
00:03:47,079 --> 00:03:48,079
Check me out, brother.
111
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,781
I'm in a deeper lunge than you.
112
00:03:49,782 --> 00:03:51,082
How 'bout now?
(shouts)
113
00:03:51,083 --> 00:03:52,684
I win.
(crying)
114
00:03:52,685 --> 00:03:54,085
- Damn it!
- All right.
115
00:03:54,086 --> 00:03:55,920
What do you say we go out there
and have some fun?
116
00:03:55,921 --> 00:03:56,821
- Hooah!
- Let's do it!
117
00:03:56,822 --> 00:03:57,522
Gotcha.
118
00:03:57,523 --> 00:03:58,656
This will not be fun.
119
00:03:58,657 --> 00:04:01,459
Ranger training is hell on earth
and can only be enjoyed in retrospect.
120
00:04:01,460 --> 00:04:03,428
Like... Cuban food.
121
00:04:03,429 --> 00:04:05,930
I don't care how hard it is.
I will not quit, Sergeant Major!
122
00:04:05,931 --> 00:04:07,198
Ideally, you will.
123
00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:09,534
I have a DVR stacked
with Restaurant Impossible.
124
00:04:09,535 --> 00:04:11,469
Ooh, yeah, that's good.
But until you quit,
125
00:04:11,470 --> 00:04:13,104
you will be pushed
to your absolute limits.
126
00:04:13,105 --> 00:04:15,640
And then you have
to get over this.
127
00:04:17,009 --> 00:04:19,043
We call it the Devastator.
128
00:04:19,044 --> 00:04:21,012
Just look like monkey bars.
129
00:04:21,013 --> 00:04:22,680
After two days
with no food, no sleep
130
00:04:22,681 --> 00:04:24,349
and 70 pounds on your back,
131
00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:26,851
those bars will make a monkey
out of you.
132
00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:29,120
Ready to dominate,
Sergeant Major.
133
00:04:29,121 --> 00:04:30,855
Oh, hey, Sergeant Perez.
Did you come to wish us luck
134
00:04:30,856 --> 00:04:31,856
at Ranger training?
135
00:04:31,857 --> 00:04:33,291
No, dummy.
136
00:04:33,292 --> 00:04:36,094
The Army's accepting female
Ranger candidates by 2016,
137
00:04:36,095 --> 00:04:38,763
and I plan to be the first woman
on the bus to Fort Benning.
138
00:04:38,764 --> 00:04:42,233
Blazing a trail for all annoying
people regardless of gender.
139
00:04:42,234 --> 00:04:44,602
Aw, cranky old Grandpa Ranger's
giving me the business.
140
00:04:44,603 --> 00:04:45,837
Zip it.
141
00:04:45,838 --> 00:04:47,672
In Ranger training,
we support each other.
142
00:04:47,673 --> 00:04:51,342
Unless you all quit,
and then I'm watching my shows.
143
00:04:51,343 --> 00:04:52,677
Okay, Sergeant Perez is here.
144
00:04:52,678 --> 00:04:55,513
Jill... Perez.
145
00:04:55,514 --> 00:04:57,181
The woman. Chica.
146
00:04:57,182 --> 00:04:58,850
But she's not just a woman.
147
00:04:58,851 --> 00:05:02,153
A woman. That's not all
any of us are in this world.
148
00:05:02,154 --> 00:05:03,555
The World Is Not Enough.
149
00:05:03,556 --> 00:05:05,056
You Only Live Twice.
150
00:05:05,057 --> 00:05:06,357
When does the nonsense stop?
151
00:05:06,358 --> 00:05:07,892
Quantum of Solace!
152
00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:09,327
CODY: What the hell's
that all about?
153
00:05:09,328 --> 00:05:10,261
Randy, what are you doing?
154
00:05:10,262 --> 00:05:11,529
Getting a head start!
155
00:05:14,199 --> 00:05:15,633
SAM:
Mommy.
156
00:05:17,102 --> 00:05:19,704
The kitchen sink
is backed up again.
157
00:05:19,705 --> 00:05:21,906
There's water everywhere.
158
00:05:21,907 --> 00:05:23,174
I'll call your dad.
159
00:05:23,175 --> 00:05:25,176
Or... I-I could
take a look at it.
160
00:05:25,177 --> 00:05:28,379
Oh. Do you...
do things like that?
161
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:30,548
Unclogging things
is kind of my specialty.
162
00:05:30,549 --> 00:05:32,750
Really? Uh-huh.
It's a weird specialty.
163
00:05:32,751 --> 00:05:34,619
Don't ask too many questions,
okay? Just let me do this.
164
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:35,720
Knock yourself out.
165
00:05:35,721 --> 00:05:37,622
I probably will.
166
00:05:40,659 --> 00:05:43,561
(disposal whirring)
167
00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:45,029
(spits)
168
00:05:48,968 --> 00:05:50,201
Come on!
169
00:05:51,971 --> 00:05:53,838
(disposal whirring)
170
00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:55,607
Ow.
171
00:05:59,144 --> 00:06:00,111
(Brandon sighs)
172
00:06:00,112 --> 00:06:01,579
Hey, buddy, tag me in.
173
00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:03,214
Brandon came by
to drop off
174
00:06:03,215 --> 00:06:05,483
some chili, so I figured
maybe he could...
175
00:06:05,484 --> 00:06:06,751
Yeah, that's great.
176
00:06:06,752 --> 00:06:07,952
Thanks for coming.
177
00:06:07,953 --> 00:06:09,787
You know, this is
just his thing.
178
00:06:09,788 --> 00:06:12,490
Yeah. Shouldn't take
too long at all.
179
00:06:12,491 --> 00:06:13,925
All right.
180
00:06:13,926 --> 00:06:16,227
I don't see
why that's necessary.
181
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,347
Buddy, it's a marathon,
not a sprint. Slow down.
182
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:22,782
Just trying
to stay ahead of Jill.
183
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,617
Is that why you freaked out
back there?
184
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,552
'Cause women are
gonna be Rangers.
185
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,554
As annoying as Jill is,
we got to put up with her.
186
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,990
What if I want to put up with
her for the rest of my life?
187
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,892
Hold on. What?
188
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:36,062
Pete, I'm in love with Jill.
189
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,431
(laughing)
190
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,433
- Oh, I get it.
- Yeah.
191
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,507
You're dehydrated.
192
00:06:42,508 --> 00:06:44,014
Just sit down, put your head
between your knees,
193
00:06:44,015 --> 00:06:44,837
I'll get you a shiny blanket.
194
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,439
Are you dismissing my emotions?
195
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,107
No, no, no. Yeah, definitely.
196
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,709
These are stupid emotions.
197
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,744
Remember when I helped Jill
impress General Murray?
198
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,012
- Yeah.
- Afterwards, we had
199
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,014
this moment that the angels
are still talking about
200
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,749
at the watercoolers in Heaven.
201
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,451
Thank you so much
for your help, Private.
202
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,220
Of course, any... time.
203
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,122
Oh, no.
204
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,457
And?
205
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,525
And now I don't know how to act
in front of her,
206
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:07,927
and so I have to keep running.
207
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,196
Anaranjado.
208
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:11,330
Keep up, losers!
209
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:12,665
Cody said we got to
support each other,
210
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:13,933
but it's gonna be real hard
211
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,201
when you're so far
behind me!
212
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:16,202
Ha, ha, ha!
213
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,937
Ha, ha, ha! 'Kay!
214
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,772
You're right!
We are losers! Good-bye!
215
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:20,940
(sputters)
216
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,275
So stupid, man. See?
She got me flustered.
217
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,144
I alw... I-I didn't have
a witty comeback.
218
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,780
- I always have a witty comeback.
- You never have a witty comeback.
219
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,715
My pulse is racing,
I'm sweating profusely
220
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:31,250
and I feel really sick
to my stomach.
221
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:34,587
You're running in Florida an
hour after you ate 37 waffles.
222
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,956
- Competing theory.
- This isn't real, Randy.
223
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,791
Listen to your big brother.
It's all in your head.
224
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:39,959
It'll pass.
225
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,761
Maybe I am just confused.
226
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,697
Like when I ate that Japanese candy
that turned out to be hotel soap.
227
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,599
It's exactly like that.
Yeah. Yeah.
228
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,935
I guess I just liked her 'cause
she seems so perfect for you.
229
00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:52,271
You do always like
girls I like, but Jill?
230
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,140
- What, you don't think she's pretty?
- She's pretty.
231
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,542
- You don't think she's smart?
- Probably smarter than me.
232
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:57,977
Plus, she gives
as good as she gets.
233
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,378
She doesn't let you
get away with anything,
234
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,147
which is tough to take
but exactly what you need.
235
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,615
And she's
a badass soldier.
236
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:04,350
Then she takes off
her helmet,
237
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,452
and her strawberry-scented hair
comes tumbling down
238
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:08,654
and you realize
she's all woman.
239
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,922
What more
could a man want?
240
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,458
What more could a man
possibly ask for?
241
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:14,260
Pete?
242
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,095
You look dehydrated.
243
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,465
GUMBLE: Okay, Derrick,what's with the emergency text?
244
00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,967
Yeah man, we were in the
middle of a drum circle.
245
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,235
Yes, I'm sorry I interrupted
all of your awesome
246
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,637
weekend plans,
but my relationship is doomed
247
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:26,105
unless you stay here
and help me.
248
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,307
I already doused myself in
possum urine, bro. I know.
249
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,109
- We all know.
- Yeah, it's really potent.
250
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,811
Actually an improvement.
251
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:34,647
Guys, I'm just afraid Erin will
go back with her ex-husband
252
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,515
because he's "more of a man"
than me.
253
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,117
That is completely
understandable.
254
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,286
- That guy's hot.
- Yeah, I'd go back to him in a heartbeat.
255
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:41,287
Why is she even with you?
256
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:45,257
I need you to help me...
257
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,826
be a man.
258
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,861
Huh.
259
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,397
Do you need a male
enhancement product?
260
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,032
Legal or otherwise?
261
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,967
No. No, I need skills...
262
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,268
plumbing, car repairs,
263
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,937
making a meal that doesn't come
out of a freezer.
264
00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:59,238
These are skills
the Army teaches,
265
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,140
things I could have learned,
but just chose not to.
266
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,942
Say it on the djembe.
267
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,111
That's why I'm coming to you,
because you're not just
268
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:08,114
Rear D soldiers, you're...
269
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,049
superheroes.
270
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,417
(gasps)
Oh.
271
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:12,518
I like that.
272
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:14,820
Private Ruiz,
273
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,155
he can diagnose
274
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,091
any plumbing problem just
by the sound of the pipes.
275
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:22,128
(whispers):
They tell me their secrets.
276
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,529
Private Park can
shape a topiary cow
277
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:26,599
so realistic you could
sell it as beef.
278
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:31,704
I have small hands
and terrifying dreams.
279
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,339
Private Gumble's work
in the chow hall
280
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:36,108
has made him into
a world-class chef.
281
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,144
The plate is my canvas.
282
00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:40,246
MSG, my paint.
283
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,882
And finally, Private Dobkiss.
284
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,685
In the motor pool, he's known
as the master mechanic.
285
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,723
I can get you boner pills.
286
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:53,125
- Seriously.
- Glad you're all on board.
287
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,360
Now, tomorrow...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
288
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:55,461
What's in it for us?
289
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:56,529
(chuckles)
290
00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:57,930
What could you possibly mean?
I mean...
291
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,498
Superheroes don't ask
"what's in it" for them,
292
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,634
They do what's best for
their fellow man out of
293
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,369
the goodness of their own hearts...
(all grumbling)
294
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,236
Okay, I'll pay you!
295
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,005
Yeah!
296
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:06,939
(others singing gibberish)
297
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,374
No, seriously,
298
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,542
when can I expect payment?
299
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,479
(grunting)
300
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,051
Day two's gonna be
a lot harder than day one.
301
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,753
(grunts)
302
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,588
(panting)
303
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:23,823
Time!
304
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,024
You all qualified.
305
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,225
Yes!
306
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,560
Great for you, but
I'm missing my shows.
307
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:30,763
Nobody ever thinks about
what Cody wants.
308
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,632
I want this so bad
I can taste it.
309
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,934
Mm. I can also taste
a little bit of mud.
310
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,507
(heavenly music playing)
311
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,249
You all right, Pete?
Huh?
312
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,951
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
313
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:53,085
(Perez whoops)
314
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,321
I smell like a bag
of hot garbage. (sniffs)
315
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,325
(heavenly music playing)
316
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,334
(giggling)
317
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,335
(whispers):
What is happening?
318
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,771
What is happening?
319
00:11:15,339 --> 00:11:17,207
In a world torn apart
by madness,
320
00:11:17,208 --> 00:11:19,476
a charismatic leader
has gathered the world's
321
00:11:19,477 --> 00:11:21,544
greatest heroes
to save a relationship
322
00:11:21,545 --> 00:11:22,779
from certain doom.
323
00:11:22,780 --> 00:11:23,780
Where's our money?
324
00:11:23,781 --> 00:11:24,914
You get paid at the end.
325
00:11:24,915 --> 00:11:25,949
Now, we've got three hours
326
00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:26,950
before Erin comes home.
327
00:11:26,951 --> 00:11:28,718
Soldier-heroes,
328
00:11:28,719 --> 00:11:31,688
let justice be your compass.
329
00:11:31,689 --> 00:11:33,523
Ho-ho, I was excited
until just now.
330
00:11:33,524 --> 00:11:35,091
Worst catchphrase in history.
331
00:11:35,092 --> 00:11:36,626
Go!
332
00:11:36,627 --> 00:11:37,694
(growls)
333
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:47,003
(yells)
334
00:11:48,038 --> 00:11:50,106
Ah, just as I suspected.
335
00:11:50,107 --> 00:11:54,344
Someone flushed plastic
Army men down the toilet.
336
00:11:54,345 --> 00:11:55,478
(exhales)
337
00:11:55,479 --> 00:11:57,013
Case closed.
338
00:11:58,649 --> 00:12:00,383
(yells)
339
00:12:03,854 --> 00:12:05,121
(rapid snipping)
340
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,928
A surgeon cuts to heal.
341
00:12:11,929 --> 00:12:14,230
Shing!
342
00:12:14,231 --> 00:12:15,899
(imitates whistling blade)
343
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:17,233
(makes explosion sound)
344
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:18,435
Food.
345
00:12:18,436 --> 00:12:20,970
(chopping)
346
00:12:24,175 --> 00:12:25,341
Whoops.
347
00:12:25,342 --> 00:12:27,377
I had it upside down.
348
00:12:29,513 --> 00:12:31,881
Erin's brake lines have been
cut, just like you wanted.
349
00:12:31,882 --> 00:12:33,249
Wait, what?
That's not what I...
350
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:34,517
I'm just
kidding, dawg.
351
00:12:34,518 --> 00:12:36,286
That's for the end
of the relationship.
352
00:12:36,287 --> 00:12:37,520
She's all tuned up.
353
00:12:37,521 --> 00:12:39,055
Well, I like the cape.
354
00:12:39,056 --> 00:12:40,423
I'm a soldier-hero, dawg.
355
00:12:40,424 --> 00:12:41,658
Away!
356
00:12:43,627 --> 00:12:45,762
Okay, she's gonna be here soon;
let's wrap it up!
357
00:12:48,899 --> 00:12:50,567
I actually... I just have
a few plating instructions.
358
00:12:50,568 --> 00:12:51,568
No, go.
You see, we eat first
359
00:12:51,569 --> 00:12:53,103
with our eyes, which is...
360
00:12:53,104 --> 00:12:55,472
Okay, just promise me
you'll hand-tear the cilantro...
361
00:12:55,473 --> 00:12:56,473
(grunts)
362
00:12:56,474 --> 00:12:57,874
For the love of God...
363
00:12:57,875 --> 00:12:59,776
ERIN: I'm home. In the kitchen.
364
00:13:03,547 --> 00:13:04,948
Wow.
365
00:13:04,949 --> 00:13:07,951
Oh, this? Yeah.
366
00:13:07,952 --> 00:13:09,986
(both grunting)
367
00:13:12,590 --> 00:13:15,492
(bell clangs)
368
00:13:15,493 --> 00:13:17,927
(grunting)
369
00:13:19,964 --> 00:13:21,264
(clangs)
370
00:13:21,265 --> 00:13:23,266
(both exhale)
371
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:24,801
You all right, Pete?
372
00:13:24,802 --> 00:13:27,070
Yeah, yeah. I just forgot
how hard this is.
373
00:13:27,071 --> 00:13:28,872
No, I mean, back
at the worm pit,
374
00:13:28,873 --> 00:13:30,874
you seemed a
little... weird.
375
00:13:30,875 --> 00:13:31,908
No, I'm fine.
376
00:13:32,943 --> 00:13:34,410
Are you sure?
377
00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:41,851
All right.
378
00:13:41,852 --> 00:13:44,421
Okay, I've been thinking
about what you said about Jill.
379
00:13:44,422 --> 00:13:46,489
I can't believe I'm actually
gonna say this, but...
380
00:13:46,490 --> 00:13:48,158
I think I might be into her.
381
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:51,327
(shouts)
Oh!
382
00:13:51,328 --> 00:13:54,330
You hit Pete!
And you let him do it!
383
00:13:54,331 --> 00:13:56,166
What the hell, Randy?!
384
00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:59,936
I'm so sorry! And I'm
mad and in love and sad!
385
00:13:59,937 --> 00:14:01,805
I'm all the feelings
except happy!
386
00:14:01,806 --> 00:14:03,339
I cannot believe
that you just hit me!
387
00:14:03,340 --> 00:14:05,675
I can't believe you
told me not to like Jill
388
00:14:05,676 --> 00:14:07,177
because you like her!
389
00:14:07,178 --> 00:14:08,678
That is not what happened!
390
00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:10,914
She wasn't even on my radar
until you laid out a case
391
00:14:10,915 --> 00:14:12,248
of why we're perfect
for each other.
392
00:14:12,249 --> 00:14:13,950
Why am I so persuasive?!
393
00:14:13,951 --> 00:14:16,319
- Calm down, Randy.
- Not until you back off.
394
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,588
Well, I don't think I can now!
She blew snot on the ground,
395
00:14:18,589 --> 00:14:19,989
and it gave me the feelings!
396
00:14:19,990 --> 00:14:23,193
Then I guess this competition
just got competitive.
397
00:14:23,194 --> 00:14:24,027
Oh, it did!
398
00:14:24,028 --> 00:14:26,296
But this time,
I'm not gonna cry!
399
00:14:26,297 --> 00:14:27,831
You are crying right now!
400
00:14:27,832 --> 00:14:29,632
You're crying right now!
401
00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:31,601
(high-pitched sobbing)
402
00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:34,838
He is not good at comebacks.
403
00:14:34,839 --> 00:14:38,007
Well, that was amazing.
With the cilantro?
404
00:14:38,008 --> 00:14:41,945
Hand-torn because you eat
with your eyes first.
405
00:14:41,946 --> 00:14:43,613
Hey, what do we say, Sam?
406
00:14:43,614 --> 00:14:45,181
Thank you.
407
00:14:45,182 --> 00:14:46,783
You're welcome, buddy.
408
00:14:46,784 --> 00:14:49,819
And thanks for doing...
409
00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:52,155
I don't know, everything else.
410
00:14:52,156 --> 00:14:56,693
I feel like the queen of
this run-down tract home.
411
00:14:56,694 --> 00:14:59,529
Good.
412
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:02,465
(rumbling, rattling)
413
00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:03,967
Sounds like
414
00:15:03,968 --> 00:15:05,235
the washer again.
415
00:15:05,236 --> 00:15:06,569
Brandon just fixed that.
416
00:15:06,570 --> 00:15:07,804
Seriously?
417
00:15:07,805 --> 00:15:09,672
You know this house
is a piece of junk, right?
418
00:15:09,673 --> 00:15:11,975
(grunting)
419
00:15:11,976 --> 00:15:15,879
All right, you've been at it
for two days.
420
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,580
You're hot,
421
00:15:17,581 --> 00:15:18,882
stanky,
422
00:15:18,883 --> 00:15:21,017
and it's time
for hand-to-hand combat.
423
00:15:21,018 --> 00:15:23,086
Take your opponent
to the ground!
424
00:15:23,087 --> 00:15:23,987
Hooah.
425
00:15:23,988 --> 00:15:25,321
Hooah.
426
00:15:25,322 --> 00:15:27,157
The winner carries the
loser around the pit
427
00:15:27,158 --> 00:15:30,660
as a symbol of our duty never
to leave a Ranger behind.
428
00:15:30,661 --> 00:15:32,062
You hear that, Pete?
429
00:15:32,063 --> 00:15:33,863
Try not to get carried away.
430
00:15:33,864 --> 00:15:36,066
- That one actually works.
- What works?
431
00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:38,668
Ready? Full speed. Execute!
432
00:15:38,669 --> 00:15:40,904
(grunting)
433
00:15:44,475 --> 00:15:46,609
Oh!
Oh, my God!
434
00:15:46,610 --> 00:15:49,612
I won! The first time I won!
I am immortal!
435
00:15:49,613 --> 00:15:51,247
You didn't win anything.
I'm not all the way down!
436
00:15:51,248 --> 00:15:52,682
- (high-pitched yell)
- CODY: Okay, soldier.
437
00:15:52,683 --> 00:15:54,617
Carry the loser
around the pit.
438
00:15:54,618 --> 00:15:56,953
(grunting)
439
00:15:56,954 --> 00:15:58,722
- What are you doing, Pete?
- Sergeant Hill, what are you doing?
440
00:15:58,723 --> 00:16:00,590
Winning as I'm accustomed to.
441
00:16:00,591 --> 00:16:03,126
- Just shut up and let me carry you.
- No!
442
00:16:03,127 --> 00:16:05,095
- Let me carry you!
- No, I'll never let you carry me.
443
00:16:05,096 --> 00:16:07,464
I will carry you!
(grunting)
444
00:16:07,465 --> 00:16:08,732
- I'm carrying you.
- I've got you.
445
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:09,733
- I got you first.
- Nut slam!
446
00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:11,201
Ow! Ooh!
447
00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:14,070
(groaning)
448
00:16:14,071 --> 00:16:16,039
God, it's cold!
Oh, God!
449
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,308
What the hell?!
450
00:16:18,309 --> 00:16:19,709
I'm still carrying you.
451
00:16:21,245 --> 00:16:24,147
ERIN: So, what are you
gonna make tomorrow night?
452
00:16:27,585 --> 00:16:30,553
Hey, buddy. What you
doing with the washer?
453
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:31,821
Nothing.
454
00:16:41,298 --> 00:16:44,495
Sam, have you been
breaking stuff
455
00:16:44,496 --> 00:16:46,336
around the house so your
dad will come and fix it?
456
00:16:46,337 --> 00:16:48,138
Maybe.
457
00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:52,776
(sighs)
458
00:16:56,347 --> 00:16:58,348
I totally get that.
459
00:17:02,743 --> 00:17:04,448
So let me get this straight.
460
00:17:04,449 --> 00:17:06,545
Sergeant Perez blows some snot
on the ground,
461
00:17:06,546 --> 00:17:08,431
and you two bozos think
you're falling in love with her?
462
00:17:08,432 --> 00:17:10,791
- I liked her first.
- He sold me on a vision!
463
00:17:10,792 --> 00:17:12,784
- You tricked me into...
- You told me she was...
464
00:17:12,785 --> 00:17:14,724
- Oh, hell! Stop. Ooh.
- Okay, all right, I hate her.
465
00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:17,747
You two are so far out of line,
I don't know where to start!
466
00:17:17,748 --> 00:17:19,291
If you pulled this
crap in the field,
467
00:17:19,292 --> 00:17:20,458
someone could
get hurt.
468
00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:22,661
Or worse!
Do you hear me?
469
00:17:23,796 --> 00:17:24,829
Do you hear me?!
470
00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:26,031
BOTH:
Yes, Sergeant Major.
471
00:17:26,032 --> 00:17:28,133
And these so-called
feelings you're having?
472
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,501
Garbage!
473
00:17:29,502 --> 00:17:31,036
Romance has no place here!
474
00:17:31,037 --> 00:17:32,871
You're soldiers!
She's a soldier!
475
00:17:32,872 --> 00:17:34,873
That's it.
Anything else
476
00:17:34,874 --> 00:17:37,709
makes a complete mockery of
everything the Rangers stand for!
477
00:17:37,710 --> 00:17:40,111
I should throw you both
out on your ass!
478
00:17:40,112 --> 00:17:41,713
You're right,
Sergeant Major.
479
00:17:41,714 --> 00:17:43,682
Sorry, Sergeant Major.
480
00:17:43,683 --> 00:17:46,551
While you've been working out
your Jane Austen nonsense,
481
00:17:46,552 --> 00:17:48,253
you've completely overlooked
482
00:17:48,254 --> 00:17:50,121
that you're leaving
a fellow soldier behind.
483
00:17:50,122 --> 00:17:51,456
(Perez groaning)
484
00:17:51,457 --> 00:17:53,725
Damn it!
485
00:17:53,726 --> 00:17:57,996
On the upside, it turns out
your house isn't cursed.
486
00:17:57,997 --> 00:17:58,863
Wow.
487
00:17:58,864 --> 00:18:00,699
Yeah. I'm sorry.
488
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,201
I need to make sure
he sees his dad more.
489
00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,136
It's just, Brandon's
been away for so long,
490
00:18:05,137 --> 00:18:07,505
Sam gets nervous about
when he's gonna see him again.
491
00:18:07,506 --> 00:18:10,709
No. Obviously, it's best
if I stop fixing things.
492
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:12,544
And cooking things.
493
00:18:12,545 --> 00:18:15,413
But thank you
for all that you did.
494
00:18:20,853 --> 00:18:23,655
Oh, by the way,
Dobkiss left his wallet,
495
00:18:23,656 --> 00:18:26,591
a crossbow and a vial
of boner pills in my car.
496
00:18:33,099 --> 00:18:34,299
Come on, you got this!
497
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,201
You can do this,
Sergeant Perez!
498
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:38,603
Come on, don't give up.
You got this.
499
00:18:38,604 --> 00:18:39,738
Come on, you got this!
500
00:18:39,739 --> 00:18:41,673
Damn! Come on! Come on!
501
00:18:41,674 --> 00:18:44,746
(grunts)
I can't do it!
502
00:18:44,747 --> 00:18:45,243
- Come on, yes, you can.
- I'm done.
503
00:18:45,244 --> 00:18:46,878
Let's go. Let's go. Stop it!
504
00:18:46,879 --> 00:18:50,982
I know I talk a lot of crap, but I think
it's time to admit that I just...
505
00:18:50,983 --> 00:18:54,185
I can't hack it.
506
00:18:54,186 --> 00:18:55,754
(sighs)
507
00:18:55,755 --> 00:18:58,757
Hey.
508
00:18:58,758 --> 00:19:00,458
Somebody's gonna be
the first female Ranger.
509
00:19:00,459 --> 00:19:02,093
That's right.
510
00:19:02,094 --> 00:19:03,628
She's either
out there somewhere,
511
00:19:03,629 --> 00:19:06,264
or she's right here
in front of us.
512
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:10,869
Hooah.
513
00:19:13,339 --> 00:19:15,140
We're right here with you,
Sergeant Perez!
514
00:19:15,141 --> 00:19:16,374
Let's go. You got this.
515
00:19:19,111 --> 00:19:21,279
(grunting)
516
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,116
(grunting continues)
517
00:19:25,117 --> 00:19:26,751
- Don't give up, soldier!
- Let's go!
518
00:19:26,752 --> 00:19:27,619
Come on, soldier.
519
00:19:30,623 --> 00:19:32,557
(grunting)
520
00:19:32,558 --> 00:19:33,458
- Almost there!
- Just reach out.
521
00:19:33,459 --> 00:19:34,259
One more!
522
00:19:41,634 --> 00:19:43,768
(bell clangs)
523
00:19:46,472 --> 00:19:47,572
Yes!
Yes!
524
00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:49,674
- Congratulations, Sergeant Perez!
- Yeah!
525
00:19:49,675 --> 00:19:51,943
I love you guys!
526
00:19:51,944 --> 00:19:53,645
(panting)
527
00:19:53,646 --> 00:19:54,980
It's no big deal, bro.
528
00:19:54,981 --> 00:19:56,014
Good job, dude.
529
00:19:57,216 --> 00:19:59,484
(grunting)
530
00:20:02,054 --> 00:20:06,257
As you can see, the future
of the Rangers lies with you.
531
00:20:06,258 --> 00:20:08,627
(high-pitched scream)
532
00:20:08,628 --> 00:20:10,128
DERRICK:
When did you know?
533
00:20:10,129 --> 00:20:11,429
Oh, right away.
534
00:20:11,430 --> 00:20:13,665
Right. I was getting
fancy desserts,
535
00:20:13,666 --> 00:20:15,000
and my toilet was flushing.
536
00:20:15,001 --> 00:20:17,002
Figured I'd ride that
train as long as I could.
537
00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:19,204
Great.
So, um...
538
00:20:19,205 --> 00:20:21,306
need to bring up
something uncomfortable.
539
00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:23,208
Let me guess. You want me
to bounce these guys?
540
00:20:23,209 --> 00:20:24,676
I love you, brother.
541
00:20:24,677 --> 00:20:25,977
I love you, brother.
542
00:20:25,978 --> 00:20:27,412
And I respect you.
543
00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:28,813
I respect you, too.
544
00:20:28,814 --> 00:20:30,982
- I beat you.
- That's where we're gonna part ways.
545
00:20:30,983 --> 00:20:33,685
My shoulder was not down.
546
00:20:33,686 --> 00:20:35,120
Arm wrestle settles it.
547
00:20:35,121 --> 00:20:37,522
Bring it!
548
00:20:37,523 --> 00:20:39,758
(glass breaking)
549
00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:41,726
Idiots.
550
00:20:41,727 --> 00:20:45,497
So, Brandon called, and
he's being transferred.
551
00:20:45,498 --> 00:20:47,065
Oh.
552
00:20:47,066 --> 00:20:49,301
To Fort Lewis.
553
00:20:49,302 --> 00:20:53,505
That's in Washington... state.
554
00:20:53,506 --> 00:20:55,073
(chuckles)
555
00:20:55,074 --> 00:20:57,976
It's literally the furthest
diagonal from here.
556
00:20:57,977 --> 00:20:59,744
I really like you, Derrick,
557
00:20:59,745 --> 00:21:02,047
but you'd be the only
thing keeping me here.
558
00:21:02,048 --> 00:21:03,848
I can bartend anywhere.
559
00:21:03,849 --> 00:21:06,151
And Sam and his dad...
560
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,654
I don't know what to do.
561
00:21:11,691 --> 00:21:14,092
Uh... yeah, you do.
562
00:21:14,093 --> 00:21:15,527
It's-it's okay.
563
00:21:15,528 --> 00:21:17,896
It's okay.
564
00:21:17,897 --> 00:21:20,732
Don't look at them.
565
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:22,901
Don't look at them.
566
00:21:24,437 --> 00:21:26,504
Just us?
567
00:21:30,810 --> 00:21:32,811
It's just us.
568
00:21:32,861 --> 00:21:37,411
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