All language subtitles for Drunk History s03e10 New Mexico.eng

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So, Po'pay marched
2,500 people into Santa Fe.

The Spanish, they're like,
What do we do.

Ernest Thompson Seton gets
out to New Mexico and he says,

I hear there's all these wolves to kill.

[imitates gunshots]

[laughs]

Major Jesse Marcel says,

We have discovered...
a crashed flying saucer.

Ah!
[smooches, laughs]

[patriotic music]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

What I love about New Mexico.

Not going outside,
that's for one thing.

You burst into flame if you go outside.

People don't know that there's
a Mexico and a New Mexico.

- They think it's the same thing.
- Right.

And then they think
we all speak Spanish.

I don't speak a lick
of Spanish. [laughs]

- It's the land of enchantment.
- Land of entrapment.

- Land of entrapment.
- Land of entrapment.

You come on vacation,
you leave on probation.

- Holla.
- That's it. [laughs]

Cheers.
I'm so glad you're doing this.

- Cheers. Thanks for having me.
- Thank you.

I can't wait to
get hammered with you.

That guy just pulled over to
put something in my trash cans.

[laughs] Trouble!

I kinda want to see what
he put in your trash cans.

[laughs]

- This could turn into a whole new show.
- This is like "Vice."

- I'm not kidding, there's Wet Ones in there.
- Eww, no!

- No respect.
- Adherence.

This is a family
neighborhood, you can't just

eat Wendy's and masturbate.
[laughs]

Hi, I'm Fortune Feimster,
and today we're gonna talk about

Po'pay and the Pueblo Revolt.

[Western music]

Our story starts in the 1600s.

There were people called
the Pueblo Indians,

and they were living peacefully,
doing their thing, being Indians.

There's this Pueblo Indian named Po'pay.

He's, like, very
charismatic, everyone wanted

to hang out with him, s...
life of the party.

That would be Po'pay.
[both laugh]

So, in 1675, the Spanish came in
and took over the Pueblo area,

so Po'pay was like,
This is my place. Don't bother us.

We're doing our Indian stuff.

The governor, Trevi�o, was like,

I'm worried about you Pueblo
Indians and your teachings,

and I'm worried that it's gonna
impede on my Christian beliefs.

So, they... he gathered up
a bunch of Pueblo Indian

leaders and he was like,
You're a witch!

He killed like four of 'em.

So Po'pay was like,
I'm gonna get you back.

So one night, Po'pay gets a message

from this god called Pohe-Yemo...

- Shamu.
- Which sounds like Shamu!

My brothers called me
Shamu when I was little.

- That's not nice.
- It's not nice. I was like, [bleep] you!

So, Pohe-Yemo, he was like,

You need to get everybody together.
You speak all the dialects.

You... You have the power
to get everybody together

and... and bring... and...
and bring everybody together

to revolt, and so, let's do this, like,
use your powers for good.

So Po'pay gathers
70 different communities.

Po'pay gives all these
leaders a piece of rope,

and he was like, Every
day, you untie a knot,

and then when these knots
are untied, we gonna revolt!

So every day, the Poi...
the Pueblos untied the knots,

they use like deerskin,
like smoke signals,

um, text messages...
[laughter]

But, Po'pay was super insecure,

and he was like, I don't trust anybody,

and so, you guys have to keep secrets,

and if you don't keep a secret,

I will, like, "Soprano"
style murder you.

But then there were
two assholes who ended

up telling the secret
anyway to a priest,

so the... so the priest
says to the governor,

Look, I just heard from
these two little bitches

that... that Po'pay... he's angry,

and he's got all these Pueblos
that are coming for you.

And then Juan... Pablo...
no, Juan Pablo is my gardener.

Juan Francisco Trevi�o
told all the Spanish people,

Get to Santa Fe!
Some [bleep] about to go down.

Close the doors.

And he's like, Nobody's
coming in here...

no matter what.

And so, somebody comes
to Po'pay and is like,

Hey, look, you gotta
start the revolt like ASAP.

Like, immediately.

He was like,
You need to send out a Bat-Signal...

A smoke signal... not a Bat-Signal.
So he was like,

Hey, listen, Pueblos,
tonight's the night.

We're gonna [bleep]
up some Spanish people.

We're doing this now!
We're revolting!

Come on, Pueblos, let's get it together!

And, so, in August 1680,

Po'pay marched 2,500 people
into... into Santa Fe,

and he went to the palace
and he started attacking them,

and they were... they were
shooting back and forth

at each other,
and Po'pay was like,

We're gonna show that
governor who's boss.

Po'pay cut off their water supply.

He's like, If you don't have water,
you can't do anything.

And they were like, What do we do?

They just sat there
like a bunch of bitches.

After six days, Po'pay was like,

I'm tired of losing men.
I'm tired of people dying.

I got things to do.
I'm hungry.

He's like, I'ma let you go.
I'ma let you guys go.

Normally, in history,
you hear about Indians

gettin', like, [bleep]ed,

but this story,
the Indians came out on top.

He was like,
pfft, [bleep] you guys. Burn it down.

This is my jam.
This is my palace.

He ruled Santa Fe,
burned down all the stuff

the Spaniards had put up,
and New Mexico, to this day,

has Spanish influence, Indian influence,

and some methamphetamines'
influence as well. [laughs]

Do you feel like we've talked...

Do you feel like we've
talked America enough?

- We do. We...
- What else?

- I do.
- What else do you want from us?

- I...
- Go to school! [laughs]

What are you drinking?

I'm drinking a vodka
and a soda and a lime.

- Plural, though.
- Look at all these limes.

One, two, three, four...

? My baby don't mess around ?

? Because she loves me so,
and that I know... da... ?

Can't clear that.
[laughs]

Is that... was it too accurate,
that we can't even use it?

Maybe it wasn't.
[laughs]

Hello, I'm Mike Still,
and today we're gonna

talk about Ernest Thompson Seton,

the founder of the
Boy Scouts of America.

Cheers.

Ernest Thompson Seton was
born to a really mean dad.

His life at home was awful,

so he ran out in the woods

and it was a place that
he could truly explore,

and he said,
I am a human that exists

among birds,
among beavers,

among badgers,
among animals.

He got to fantasize
about being an Indian

and he drew the most
beautiful pictures of birds.

So in 1893, he meets
his girlfriend's father,

Fitz Randolph, and he was like,

We got all this problems
out in New Mexico.

We got these wolves. They're killing us.

All of our cattle...
they're getting out there,

they're eating the cattle.
We just need someone

to, like, help us out.
We just need someone.

And Ernest is like,

I'll do it.
No problem.

He's spent a ton of time in the wild.
He's very used to this.

So, Ernest gets out to
New Mexico, and he's like,

I hear there's all these wolves to kill.

And the cowboys are like,
No, no, no, man. There's one.

His name is Lobo,

the King of Currumpaw-ba-ba.

The King of Currumpaw.

Seton's like, Let's do this.

And then it says that he
works through the woods,

he's tracking the animal.
He looks, he picks up a leaf.

Oh, Lobo, you've been here.

And Lobo's like,
Yes, you know I have.

You know I have.

Well, I'm on my way to get you.

All he wants to do is kill this wolf.

[arrow whooshing noise]

With some sort of bow and arrow,
a rifle...

[blows]

[gun noises]
[laughs]

Just showing how you kill a wolf.

But he can't do it.
He's...

a total smart [bleep]ing wolf.

So he's hunting Lobo for four months.
All of a sudden,

he's like lookin' out on
the prairie, and he's like,

Why am I seeing this
wolf during the day?

And it turns out Lobo was hangin' out

with the hottest wolf
that's ever existed,

and she's super [bleep]ing hot.
Real hot.

So, um... [both laugh]
Lobo and Blanca were hanging out,

and they were the super
coolest humans to ever hang out.

They were super chill.
Ernest realizes,

The only thing that could kill Lobo

is the most dangerous
weapon of all... Love.

Ernest and his boys go after Blanca,
they go after her,

and they... they capture Blanca.

They know that she is
the way to get Lobo.

So then, they pull her
back and they kill her.

Just totally done.
It's done. They got her.

They got her!
They got her.

And Seton's like,
Now we can get Lobo.

A... A... A... And he takes her corpse

back to his camp, and
he hears, that night,

the sad... the sad howl.
[howling]

[laughs]

And Lobo came closer than
he ever did before, and...

[banging noises]

He was caught by four traps.

And Seton came out, and was like,

Got him. We got him.

But then, he looked
in this animal's eyes,

and he realized this was
someone that was heartbroken.

This was someone that was
completely heartbroken.

So Seton said, I'm not gonna kill him.

I'm gonna... he carried him back,
he gave him meat,

and then he died.
But this [bleep]ed him up.

He couldn't believe that he had, like,
killed this animal.

Yeah, he was just like,
What the [bleep] did I do here?

Like, I [bleep]ing killed
this beautiful animal,

that somehow it was okay
to, like, kill things?

Why? Why?!

WHY?
Like, in capital letters.

So he put out a book.

It was called
"Wild Animals I Have Known."

He gives the animals in his book
personalities and thoughts,

and most people can't
[bleep]ing deal with that.

It blows their [bleep]ing minds.

So after years... [sighs]

Years later, in 1902,

he's writing books, he's
drawing pictures of birds.

And then all of a sudden,
he hears all this noise,

and he looks out...
What is going on out here?!

Tons of boys start
vandalizing his house.

He just runs after these
boys, and they're like,

Sorry, man, we come from troubled homes.
We had abusive dads.

And Ernest is like,
Whoa, what the [bleep]?

You're just like me.

He says, All right.
I need to get all these boys together

and hang out on Easter.

And they're like,
What is this guy's deal?

We have no idea what he's going to do.

And he's like,
You thought I was gonna reprimand you.

Guess what?
We're learning about woods!

We're learning about survival.
We're learning about trees.

We're learning about all the things

that humans need to know to prosper.

He called his hangout
the Woodcraft Indians.

It eventually grew into
the Boy Scouts of America.

[wolf howl]

All right, so here we have...
we're gonna do a slip knot.

- Slip knot.
- Pretty easy.

So, all we want to do is go over...

hold on, it's already pretty bent.

So we go over this, right?
Then we go over that.

- Oh, so we're gonna go over each knot.
- Knot!

And, so now, it's just a rope.

Not... just hold on.
Wait... to go over here...

We're gonna pull this though
that... Oh, wait, hold on...

I believe we are
ready to get started!

[applause]

My name is Norma, and I
come from the planet Nyto.

I'm Bacoscia from the planet Venusia.

On my planet, women rule.
[whoos]

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

All right, coming up is Daryl Walters
from the planet Mudocon.

His diet consists of
whiskey and rice cakes.

He's a Leo, and he wants to
run for President one day.

L-O-L!
[laughter]

- Hey, I finished all the vodka, so...
- Do you want to do a shot, though?

I'll do a shot with you.
To every ufologist...

who is seeking the truth out there.

Who's digging deep
and doing the legwork.

This one goes for you.

Oh, Mommy.

Hello, today we're
gonna be talking about

the Roswell UFO crash of 1947.

[burps]

So Mac Brazel, a foreman
for a sheep rancher,

he sees some metallic pieces
[music]

laying opossum... upon his acreage.

And he's like,
Well this is very interesting.

I mean, what the ding-dong
could this really be?

There are some things going on
on this ranch

that defy human explanation.

So immediately, he contacts
the local Army Air Force base.

They send out a guy
named Major Jesse Marcel,

a very decorated, very smart individual,

and Major Jesse Marcel's like,

Well this is not from us.
This is not from the Air Force.

This is not from a crashed airplane.

This is not crashed from a satellite.

This must be alien.

So, J... Major Jesse Marcel
contacts the local paper and says,

We have discovered...
a crashed flying saucer.

Holy [bleep].

In the newspaper, they actually put

The military has recovered
alien spacecrafts...

space... craft that has
crashed with wreckage.

The Pentagon is freaking out.

So they're basically saying,

Oh, Jesus Christ, Project Mogul,
you know that thing we're doing?

The balloon that we're
testing with microphones

trying to detect
Russian nuclear activity?

Our top-secret project has crashed

on a sheep rancher's property, man.

This was a... the most top secret

project going on at the time,

and Project Mogul was
a weather balloom

atmospheric craft that
was going to detect

sounds of a nuclear test going on
with nuclear weapons.

All of a sudden, the Pentagon...
they are swarming the area.

They're cornering off the whole area.
They're picking up debris.

The Pentagon kept the Air Force

in the dark about this whole thing.

So Major Jesse Marcel said,

We are in the midst of a huge cover-up.

Holy [bleep], this is crazy.

Which, for the Pentagon,
is exactly what they wanted.

Secret Military. Alien.

The perfect smoke screen.

Years go on and on, and
no one gave a [bleep],

and the local town people
sort of forgot about it,

and it wasn't a big deal.

They're like,
Oh, yeah, well, we don't...

not really sure what
happened, blah blah blah.

Everyone forgot about it
until 1978.

Jesse Marcel, now a very aging man,

calls up famed ufologist
Stanton T. Friedman.

I need to tell you a
little bit of a story.

It's the story of the Roswell UFO crash.

Stanton Friedman's like,

[whispers] I'm all ears.
Give me the juice.

Gimme the juice that I so desire.

We're on a...
I'm sorry, I'm lost.

- Okay, uh...
- We're talking about Roswell.

[laughs] And... yeah.

[laughs]

So, Stanton Friedman flies down there

from Northern California,
and is just, like,

I'm lovin' this.
This is a great situation.

Marcel, he gives him
the whole Roswell spiel.

Stanton Friedman hears all about this,
and so he's like,

Pay dirt. Eureka.
I am going to write a book.

And write a book he does.
He writes a bestseller.

Roswell now, which had been
forgotten about for 30 years,

becomes a huge deal, and thus is born

a whole new generation of ufologists.

It must be an alien spacecraft...
from another planet.

- Capisce?
- Capisce.

In 1995, citizens kept
on writing in, saying

Can you please tell us
what happened with Roswell?

So the Pentagon says,
All right, you deserve to know.

We will release all
the Freedom Informa...

Freedom of Information Act...
FOIA documents.

They do so,
and the whole story about

Project Mogul comes out.

The reality of the
situation is... is that...

extraterrestrial beings
from another planet

did not crash in the desert
of Roswell, New Mexico.

And, you know, now
today Roswell, the town,

refuses to acknowledge Project Mogul,

so they are the ones projecting
the UFO angle with all this stuff.

Well, this is a...
kind of a rendition of

the typical pleiadian gray alien.

He's got the teardrop almond eyes,

the nose with the limited slits,

- and... in the mouth.
- How much did you pay for this thing?

- 450 bucks.
- Jesus.

- Got a good deal.
- They saw you coming...

They didn't show you the
back part 'till you left?

I didn't see that 'till
I got home, and yeah,

and I did feel like a...
quite a heel for that.

[patriotic music]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

If I were living in the 1600s,
I would want to be a... a whore.

- Why?
- The... The Roundhouse.

That would be my signature
move. The Roundhouse.

What's The Roundhouse?

- Whoa.
- That was your penis.

Thank you.

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