All language subtitles for Drunk History s03e02 Miami.eng

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[patriotic music]
Clark Gable flying over Nazi Germany.

He's like...
[imitates machine gun]

[Jessica] Ponce de Le�n is like,

I can't witness my
people just being, like,

totally treated [bleep] like this.

[Dan] The murder rate
has tripled overnight,

and most of it are people that Griselda

is murdering or having murdered.

I can't see you, by the way.
I can see two of you.

[patriotic music]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

[man] People know Miami as the beach

and the glitz and the glamour
and the superficiality,

but that's a very small part of Miami.

[woman] It is tough growing up in Miami

when you're not, like,
traditionally pretty,

but a lot of people pay
to have that fixed anyway.

Like, that's... that's really common.
You're like, ohh!

Happy bar mitzvah.
I love your new nose!

Beaches, bitches... can I say bitches?

Miami's just a dope place to be.

- To Miami.
- To Miami.

[Derek] He's in a moment.

He's at Shakespeare in the Park '98.
[laughs]

- You ready?
- All the world's a stage! [chuckles]

Hi, I'm Greg Worswick,

and I'm here to tell you
about Private Clark Gable.

So it's the 1930s,
and Clark Gable is like

the most famous movie star in America.

He's like, I am so famous.

I have these eyebrows and
this mustache. They're crazy.

He marries Carole Lombard,
who's his new love.

She's like the Goldie Hawn of...

of Paramount movies in the 30s.

He's like, she is my soul mate.

Then, World War II starts.
[gulps]

Yeah. [gulps]

Big... gulp.

They start getting
involved in the war effort.

And so Clark's like,

yes, I will lend my
face to some brochures,

in a sort of fun pose

where I'm just saying, hey.

Carole is so, so invested,

and she goes to Indiana.

She sells over $2 million in war bonds.

She breaks records.

Nobody has ever made that before.

Carole is like, I am really
raising money for this war.

And she telegrams him
one night, and she says,

you better get yourself
into this man's army.

And so Clark is like,
well, okay, I'm a movie star.

I'm [bleep] Brett Butler.
[laughter]

Not Brett Butler.

I'm Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind.

I won an Oscar.
I'm, like, doing pretty good. Sure.

The next day, Carole gets on this plane.

She's coming back home to
Hollywood from Indianapolis.

Her plane goes down. She dies.

Clark is, like, devastated.

He's like, nooo!

And then he starts thinking
about those last words,

that siren's call to him that's like,

you better get yourself
into this man's army.

And he thinks,
okay, this is the best way

that I can honor my wife's last request,

is that I should get
involved with the war.

And so he enlists,

so they ship him from
Hollywood to Miami and...

- [Derek] Yeah, Miami.
- [Greg] Yes.

Miami has been transformed

into this American
boot camp for the Army.

So he gets there, he's being
hounded by the paparazzi,

and he says, okay, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

I... will grant you this:

I will shave off my mustache
in front of your cameras

if you promise to leave
me alone after that.

He shaved off his mustache,
and then that was his last,

like, movie star thing for a while.

And he takes all these
tests, and that's it.

And then...
they're like, you graduated.

So he says, okay, look, you know what?

I want to be in combat.
I want to be doing the combat missions.

And they're like, Clark, we don't know.

This is, uh, kind of a lot for you.
You're a famous actor.

We feel like we should
probably keep you safe.

No! I want to be a person in combat.

In January 1943, he's sent to England.

He's flying over Nazi Germany,

and gunfire ricocheted
off Clark Gable's boot,

narrowly missing an inch of his head.

He's like, nooo!
That was close.

Word of that gets back to
MGM president Louis B. Mayer,

who is like, okay, uh, dead
actors are of no use to us.

You need to bring him
back to America, stat.

We need him here unscathed.

And he's like, no, I can do it.

I'm a regular guy. It's fine.

And he demands that he keeps going

on 23, 24, 25 more missions.

[imitates airplane]

[imitates explosion]

[imitating airplane and explosion]

[laughs]

And that's why I love you, kid.
[laughs, coughs]

Did you get taken a bit
back when I called you kid?

[laughing]

You forget what
generation you're in, kid?

I sure did, kid.

I spilled so much bourbon on this chair.

So he comes back from
Europe, and they say,

Clark, thank you so much
for serving in the military.

We would like to offer
you the Air Medal and the

distinguished Flying Cross for
your efforts in World War II!

And on January 15, 1944, they invite him

to the christening of
the S.S. Carole Lombard.

He said... wow.

This really has put a bookend on my time

in the... military.
Thank you.

- You guys.
- [Derek] What?

I don't know.

I just had a lot of fun.
I hope you did too.

- I am from France originally.
- Okay.

But I've been here for
quite a while now, you know?

- And you still love New York.
- I guess I can...

I never actually... never
been to New York, you know?

[both laugh]

You'll be all right, man...

[engine revving]

Look at me!

Oh, yeah!

- All right. I guess you did that.
- Mmm!

[laughs]
Well, you have a drop.

Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz,

and today we're gonna be talking
about Juan Ponce de Le�n.

Or as white people call him,
"Ponce de Leon."

Juan Ponce de Le�n
is a Spanish explorer.

King Ferdinand is like,
you know what, Ponce?

I dig you.
You've done a really great job,

and in honor of your service to Spain,

I'm going to send you over to
Puerto Rico to be the governor.

So Ponce de Le�n's like, okay, cool.

He goes to Puerto Rico,
and he sees the people.

He's like, love you.
You guys are cool.

Sees the land, he's like,
oh, my God, it's bountiful,

and it's awesome.

- So... [laughs]
- [Derek] It's kicking in.

[laughs]

Okay, so,
back in Spain, bom, bom, bom,

Diego Columbus is there.

He's Christopher Columbus' eldest son,

and he is like rich kid, dick face.

And he's like, you know
what, King Ferdinand?

You owe me [bleep].

You told my dad that he's
supposed to have control

over all the West Indies and
everything that he explored.

And the king is like, [bleep] you.

My man Ponce,
who is, like, a good dude,

is taking care of Puerto Rico.

I don't care who your dad is,
but, like, shut the [bleep] up.

So he goes, and he
finds the king's cousin.

Her name was Maria Alvarez... de Toledo.

- Wait, give it to me again.
- Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- [Derek] Wait, that's so fast.
- [Jessica] Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

[Derek] Wait, one at at time.

- Maria.
- Ma... oh, Maria.

- Alvarez.
- Alvarez.

- De.
- De.

- Toledo.
- Toledo?

- [Jessica] Okay.
- Mm.

So he seduces this chick and marries her

and basically blackmails the king,

and he's like, you know
what, King Ferdinand?

Make me the viceroy of
the entire West Indies...

which includes Puerto Rico...
and the governor of Hispaniola,

which is the island
just West of Puerto Rico.

And King Ferdinand has no... no choice.
His hands are tied.

So in 1509, Diego Columbus
goes over to Hispaniola,

plunders all the
resources, is a huge dick,

brings over a slew of white
chicks from... from Spain.

It's like, ah, for my Spanis...
for my Spanish conquistador

fellow army men, like,
ahh, you know?

Take your pick. You can...
[whistles]

with whatever chick you want to.

And his buddies Juan Cer�n
and Miguel D�az are over.

And he's like...

[speaking Spanish] _

_

What did he just say?

Let's have some drinks.
Let's have a good time.

- Let's party, man.
- Very cool.

So they go, and he's
like, yeah, party island!

And he turns Hispaniola into, like,
a frat boy party.

[techno music]

[muffled laughing]

[laughs]

Hoo!

[sighs]

So he's like, you know what,
you guys, go over there.

Take over Puerto Rico.
It's supposed to be mine, anyway.

[bleep] Ponce de Le�n.

So he's doing whatever he
wants over in Hispaniola,

while just one island
over in Puerto Rico,

Ponce de Le�n is, like,
skipping around with the people.

He's like, hey, what's up?

And they're like, hey, Ponce!

Cer�n and D�az go over to Puerto Rico

and kick Ponce de Le�n
out of power and are like,

we're in charge now.
They're barbaric.

They're enslaving the people,
being super douches.

So Ponce de Le�n is like,

I can't witness my
people just being, like,

totally treated [bleep] like this.

So he gathers up some of his
Spanish men, and he's like,

you know what, let's [bleep]
chain these [bleeps]

and send them back to Spain.

And King Ferdinand is like,
what the [bleep] are you doing?

Like, I get it.
These guys are assholes, but...

you don't have the power to do that.

So Juan Cer�n and Miguel D�az are...
go back to Puerto Rico.

And Ponce de Le�n's like,
King Ferdinand, fine.

If I can't have Puerto Rico,
there's this other island

to the North, West a little bit,
that is just as full of gold,

and the land is just as bountiful.

And he says, okay, go do your thing.

So Ponce de Le�n is like,
all right, sweet.

So it takes him a couple of months,

and he gets together a ship
and a group of Spaniards.

In 1513, he sets sail
in the wide open waters

of the Atlantic Ocean
for this mystery island.

A month later he sees land.

As he sees it, he realizes,
you know what?

Christopher Columbus
has never been here.

I'm the first nonnative
to come across this land.

And not just that...

Hmm.
[laughs] I lost it.

So he shows up, and
he's like, oh, my God,

I'm the first non-indigenous
person to show up on this land.

Sets down the Spanish flag,
unrolls it, and is like,

I hereby proclaim this
land as being Spanish.

And I call it...
La Florida.

And there he's left to
make this land his own...

till the end of time.

[both sigh]

[bleep] history.
[laughs]

[engine revving]
Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Whoo!
Where's that gator?

Yeah, I don't know where he went.

I can see why all the
murder mysteries have stories

about people dropping
bodies in here, though.

Yeah, I'm still trying
to find my first wife.

[laughs] No.

As a host of Drunk History,
I'm saying, all right,

now you match me.
Let's just chug this.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm. Mm.

[chuckles]

- Hey. [laughs]
- Hello.

Hello, I'm Dan Harmon, and
today I'd like to tell you

the story of Griselda Blanco,
the godmother of cocaine.

[slurps]

So Griselda Blanco
marries Alberto Bravo,

a cocaine dealer from
the Medellin Cartel.

And Griselda loves
him, they get married,

and we're gonna pursue
the American dream

and go to America.

They, uh, they bring
cocaine to New York.

Ka-boom!
[70's music playing]

Welcome to 1970s America,

where everyone is on cocaine.

Athletes, police,

meter maids, your uncle.

Everyone's on cocaine is my point.

So many people are on cocaine,

the NYPD and DEA form a task force.

You gotta stop this [bleep] cocaine.

Hey, Bob Palombo, head
of the new DEA task force,

Operation Banshee,
stop this cocaine!

Bob Palombo goes, okay, I'm on it.

Let's do it. I'm gonna do it.

I got my shoulder holster.
I got my badge.

I got my cocaine training.

I'm gonna go bust some cocaine people.

He goes out.

Alberto Bravo [bleep] bails on his wife.

He leaves Griselda high and dry.

She opens the books and
realizes, holy [bleep],

this [bleep] guy that I
trusted, exchanged vows with,

he stole millions from me
and then bailed on me.

She calls her husband.

Hey... ass master.
[Derek and Dan laugh]

[Dan] Could we... hook up,

talk about the elephants
in the various rooms?

- Let's chug this.
- Chug this?

- Yeah! Come on.
- Okay.

We're in Miami.

I mean, that's gonna...

- that's a threshold.
- Mmm.

[Dan] She makes her own way to Colombia.

Griselda pulls up in a car by herself.

She gets out of the car.
She points at him.

You [bleep] me!

We dealt cocaine together
in New York. We dominated.

The DEA moved in, and you [bleep] me.

He's like, hey, whoa, man,
you don't need to be so harsh.

[bleep] come on, baby,

[bleep], [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

He goes for his Uzi,
which is in his belt.

She goes for her pistol,
which is in her boot.

She gets shot in the
gut with one Uzi bullet.

Oh! Ow! My gut.

She shoots him in the
face with her pistol.

She takes his Uzi.
She shoots all of his six bodyguards

and emerges as the only
survivor of the entire scene

and earns the nickname
the Black Widow.

Now she makes her biggest
[bleep] move of all.

She goes, let's go to the virgin city,
"Me-ami."

Come on, Dan.
Are you gonna do pushups?

- Maybe.
- I can't see you, by the way.

I can see two of you.

Um, so she, uh...
she goes to Miami.

[dance music]

Now, this is a town
very thirsty for cocaine.

Here comes Griselda.

She invents a little concept
called the motorcycle drive-by.

Miami has gone insane.

The murder rate has tripled overnight,

and most of it are people that Griselda

is either murdering or having murdered.

Meanwhile, DEA agent Bob Palombo,

he says to his colleagues,
when I arrest this woman,

I'm gonna kiss her on the mouth. Mmm.

His colleagues are like,
oh, did you hear what Bob said?

- Yeah, the mouth-kissing thing?
- Yeah.

Having no more battles left to win,

she starts getting
high on her own supply.

Griselda starts holing
herself up in her mansion.

Meanwhile, the DEA is closing in enough,

she sees the writing on
the rall... on the rall.

She sees the writing on the wall.

She flees to Irvine, California.

So she's sitting in her
Irvine, California, home.

The DEA is closing in.

Griselda, we know you're in there.

Guess what Bob Palombo does.

He marches up to her, kisses her.

And all of his coworkers are like,
wow, look what Bob did.

- He sexualized his quarry.
- Ugh, gross.

So... she pleads guilty
to 3 of the 240 murders

that she may be "guiltiable" about,
[Derek chuckles]

an exchange for which she
gets 20 years in prison.

2011... correct the chyron if
we find out that's not true...

she gets deported back to Colombia,
in her hometown of Medellin,

the town that made her what she is.

She's outside a butcher shop.

She is gunned down by two assassins...

on a motorcycle.

- [Derek] Would that be...
- [Dan] A motorcycle drive-by? Yeah.

The fact that she died by something that

wouldn't have existed
had she not existed,

that's... total irony.

This is... this is like
if Thomas Edison, uh,

after his long life, was
strangled in his sleep

by a light bulb.
[laughs]

Like [bleep] Ben Franklin
being killed by a glowing key.

Would it be like George Foreman...

- Getting grilled to death?
- ...being thrown and grilled?

And all of his fat dripping down
[chuckling]

angled troughs into
a [bleep] plastic bin?

By all his challenges?
[laughing]

[patriotic music]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

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