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1
00:00:17,207 --> 00:00:18,907
I'm sorry, I bet your tongue
it's been a while.
2
00:00:18,941 --> 00:00:20,609
I'm sorry I taste like
Korean cigarettes.
3
00:00:20,643 --> 00:00:22,844
Tobacco's the only thing
with protein over there.
4
00:00:22,862 --> 00:00:25,363
Their meat is just
def lated kickballs.
5
00:00:25,398 --> 00:00:26,448
How are you feeling?
6
00:00:26,482 --> 00:00:27,949
Ready to put this all
behind me.
7
00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:31,153
I don't even want to think about
the things they made me do.
8
00:00:31,187 --> 00:00:33,221
Earlier today,
America's credit rating
9
00:00:33,256 --> 00:00:36,758
was downgraded
to triple fart-minus.
10
00:00:36,793 --> 00:00:39,661
You poor thing,
over there all alone.
11
00:00:39,695 --> 00:00:41,379
Ahoy there.
12
00:00:41,414 --> 00:00:44,199
Jack,
this is Scott Scottsman.
13
00:00:44,217 --> 00:00:45,383
Scott Scottsman.
14
00:00:45,418 --> 00:00:47,502
My ears are all plugged up
from the plane.
15
00:00:47,536 --> 00:00:49,471
Am I talking too loud?
16
00:00:49,505 --> 00:00:51,089
Scott was forced
to do sports
17
00:00:51,140 --> 00:00:53,175
on American news Channel USA.
18
00:00:53,209 --> 00:00:55,177
Avery Jessup with news.
19
00:00:55,211 --> 00:00:57,345
Scott Scottsman
with sports.
20
00:00:57,379 --> 00:00:59,214
And it's me,
Johnny Mountain,
21
00:00:59,232 --> 00:01:02,050
with the weather on the one
and the traffic on the one.
22
00:01:02,068 --> 00:01:03,902
You no ask how I do it.
23
00:01:06,939 --> 00:01:08,323
It's a funny story, really.
24
00:01:08,357 --> 00:01:10,575
I was working for KSCT,
our of Scottsdale.
25
00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:12,527
They sent me to South Korea
to do a "where are they now?"
26
00:01:12,561 --> 00:01:14,079
On the pitcher Byung-Hyun Kim.
27
00:01:14,113 --> 00:01:15,864
Turns out he's still
living in America,
28
00:01:15,898 --> 00:01:16,865
and I get kidnapped.
29
00:01:16,899 --> 00:01:18,066
Uhhuh.
30
00:01:18,084 --> 00:01:20,035
I had no idea there was
another hostage there.
31
00:01:20,069 --> 00:01:22,170
A man.
32
00:01:22,205 --> 00:01:24,873
Right. Well,
we should get home.
33
00:01:24,907 --> 00:01:27,709
For American news Channel USA,
this is Avery Jessup.
34
00:01:27,743 --> 00:01:29,094
And I'm Scott Scottsman...
35
00:01:29,128 --> 00:01:33,715
Reminding all of you
there is no weekend.
36
00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,565
30 ROCK
S06 Ep 21 - The Return of Avery Jessup
37
00:01:48,696 --> 00:01:51,696
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:01:52,853 --> 00:01:55,087
- Good morning.
- You're up early.
39
00:01:55,138 --> 00:01:57,224
I'm putting together a knock
list for the work upstairs.
40
00:01:57,287 --> 00:01:58,570
What do you think about
an intercom?
41
00:01:58,588 --> 00:02:00,506
That way, if it's an office,
you can call down.
42
00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:02,959
If it's a nursery, then
you can hear the baby.
43
00:02:03,010 --> 00:02:05,344
Or the plant.
It's your body.
44
00:02:05,379 --> 00:02:10,132
Right. Well, if I did
ever have a... plant with you
45
00:02:10,183 --> 00:02:11,851
or whatever...
I mean, at my age,
46
00:02:11,885 --> 00:02:13,185
we might have to get
an Asian plant
47
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,087
or accept an older plant
with some behavioral issues,
48
00:02:15,105 --> 00:02:16,138
and we're a little afraid
of it...
49
00:02:16,189 --> 00:02:17,139
Do you want an intercom, Liz?
50
00:02:17,190 --> 00:02:18,808
Yes. Sure.
To hear the plant.
51
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:22,061
I'm sorry. It's just
the more we talk about this,
52
00:02:22,095 --> 00:02:23,980
it's scary.
53
00:02:24,031 --> 00:02:26,532
I mean, that plant's not coming
out of your butt, pal,
54
00:02:26,566 --> 00:02:27,616
it's coming out of mine.
55
00:02:27,651 --> 00:02:29,368
All right, well, look,
to do everything,
56
00:02:29,403 --> 00:02:31,620
- it's gonna be around ten grand.
- Duck?
57
00:02:31,655 --> 00:02:32,908
I'm gonna do as much
work as possible,
58
00:02:32,909 --> 00:02:35,541
but I don't think it's safe for me to do
the wiring in an old building like this.
59
00:02:35,575 --> 00:02:37,493
The walls are filled
with electrocuted mice.
60
00:02:37,544 --> 00:02:40,296
Well, I could dip into
my 401K...
61
00:02:40,330 --> 00:02:42,748
Is something I've heard
old people say in commercials.
62
00:02:42,782 --> 00:02:44,800
Well, I could chip in.
If you take my prof its
63
00:02:44,835 --> 00:02:46,952
from the hot dog truck
and add 'em to the $300
64
00:02:46,970 --> 00:02:49,138
my aunt gave me for Christmas,
I'd have $200.
65
00:02:49,172 --> 00:02:51,674
- Yeah.
- Right.
66
00:02:51,725 --> 00:02:54,927
Let me think about it,
but I've got to get to work.
67
00:02:54,961 --> 00:02:57,179
Boy, I sound
just like my dad.
68
00:02:57,230 --> 00:03:00,232
Which, I guess,
makes me Mrs. Lemon.
69
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,151
Seriously, though,
I gotta get to work.
70
00:03:02,185 --> 00:03:05,271
I gotta get to yoga
and lunch with the girls.
71
00:03:10,243 --> 00:03:13,079
Tracy, who sponsored
your wedding?
72
00:03:13,113 --> 00:03:14,747
I don't know. There was
a lot of fanta there,
73
00:03:14,781 --> 00:03:16,832
and the police, so maybe
they co-sponsored it?
74
00:03:16,867 --> 00:03:19,452
That's right, you were
a nobody when you got married.
75
00:03:19,486 --> 00:03:22,588
Only huge stars get
to have their wedding sponsored.
76
00:03:22,622 --> 00:03:24,874
Ms. Maroney,
a wedding is a simple
77
00:03:24,925 --> 00:03:26,342
and beautiful ceremony
78
00:03:26,376 --> 00:03:28,844
where an old man
and a crying girl
79
00:03:28,879 --> 00:03:30,796
get pushed into
the coupling shed.
80
00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:32,465
No, if you don't have
a sponsor these days,
81
00:03:32,499 --> 00:03:33,549
you're nobody.
82
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,602
My sponsor is
the Southern Tourism Bureau.
83
00:03:36,636 --> 00:03:38,971
It's perfect 'cause
I'm sort of a down-home,
84
00:03:39,005 --> 00:03:40,222
America's sweetheart type.
85
00:03:40,273 --> 00:03:42,558
Leonardi, my hair psychic,
is always saying
86
00:03:42,609 --> 00:03:43,976
how down to Earth I am.
87
00:03:44,010 --> 00:03:45,895
I know the Southern
tourism bureau.
88
00:03:45,946 --> 00:03:48,280
They pay me a yearly stipend
to stay in New York.
89
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:50,116
They're paying for me
and Paul to get married
90
00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:51,617
on an old plantation.
91
00:03:51,651 --> 00:03:54,520
Which is great 'cause our wedding
was gonna be slavery-themed anyway.
92
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:56,288
All I have to do is
shoot a commercial
93
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:59,041
and say,
"Dixie is calling, you all.
94
00:03:59,076 --> 00:04:00,576
I reckon you should answer."
95
00:04:00,627 --> 00:04:02,378
Are you sure
you're saying that right?
96
00:04:02,412 --> 00:04:05,414
Of course I . I have
a natural Southern accent,
97
00:04:05,465 --> 00:04:09,051
'cause I'm from
le flori-dah pahn-hahndle.
98
00:04:09,086 --> 00:04:10,369
You know, a lot of people
lose their accents
99
00:04:10,387 --> 00:04:13,255
once they leave home
and go off to the big city.
100
00:04:13,306 --> 00:04:16,592
Before moving here, I done used
to talk-n-jaw like this, see?
101
00:04:16,643 --> 00:04:19,228
And when I'm at work,
I use my white-people voice.
102
00:04:19,262 --> 00:04:21,430
You should see how we talk
in the Bronx.
103
00:04:21,481 --> 00:04:24,100
Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!
104
00:04:24,151 --> 00:04:27,069
I'm sorry, sir, I have
no idea what you're saying.
105
00:04:27,104 --> 00:04:29,105
I'm sure it's nothing
that I can't fix
106
00:04:29,156 --> 00:04:30,823
with a little accent work.
107
00:04:30,857 --> 00:04:33,442
I'm not gonna let it ruin
my dream wedding.
108
00:04:33,493 --> 00:04:35,694
It's only a dream wedding?
Thank God!
109
00:04:35,728 --> 00:04:37,696
I did not want to attend.
110
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:46,005
All set, Jack.
111
00:04:46,039 --> 00:04:47,923
- Did Liddy go down?
- Eventually.
112
00:04:47,958 --> 00:04:50,176
Understandably,
she's a little wary of me.
113
00:04:50,210 --> 00:04:52,261
I heard her ask her bear
who the dye job is.
114
00:04:52,295 --> 00:04:54,547
Don't worry about it.
You're home now,
115
00:04:54,581 --> 00:04:55,931
we're Jack and Avery,
116
00:04:55,966 --> 00:04:58,517
and we are going to crush
this return to normalcy.
117
00:04:58,552 --> 00:05:00,352
Absolutely.
118
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,521
It's gonna be like
I was never away.
119
00:05:02,556 --> 00:05:04,390
Absolutely.
Frankly,
120
00:05:04,424 --> 00:05:05,924
not too much has changed.
121
00:05:05,942 --> 00:05:09,395
There is an iPod 3
and a Mitt Romney 4.
122
00:05:09,429 --> 00:05:10,613
They worked all the bugs out.
123
00:05:10,647 --> 00:05:12,481
He's not killing hobos
at night any more.
124
00:05:12,532 --> 00:05:14,433
And tomorrow,
I am going to throw you
125
00:05:14,451 --> 00:05:18,103
a Thanks-Christmas-Valen-Easter-Ween
of July party.
126
00:05:18,121 --> 00:05:21,323
Genius. We'll celebrate all the
holidays I missed in one night.
127
00:05:21,374 --> 00:05:23,775
We are gonna be
so normal so fast!
128
00:05:23,793 --> 00:05:25,611
I've already started
my job search.
129
00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:26,829
I'm making a new reel.
130
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,581
I actually did
some good work over there.
131
00:05:28,615 --> 00:05:31,116
Scott and I co-reported
on the North Koreans
132
00:05:31,134 --> 00:05:32,784
sweeping the Olympics.
133
00:05:32,802 --> 00:05:35,954
- They did, right?
- Yes... Scott.
134
00:05:35,972 --> 00:05:38,007
I'm so glad there was
someone there for you
135
00:05:38,058 --> 00:05:40,309
during this, uh, ordeal.
136
00:05:40,343 --> 00:05:43,512
Look, Jack, I know we can put
everything back the way it was.
137
00:05:43,563 --> 00:05:44,847
There's just one thing
I need to say first.
138
00:05:44,898 --> 00:05:46,432
I didn't wear
your nightgowns.
139
00:05:46,466 --> 00:05:48,067
If they seem
stretched out,
140
00:05:48,101 --> 00:05:49,351
it's because
you're remembering wrong.
141
00:05:49,402 --> 00:05:53,656
No, Jack, what I want
to say is...
142
00:05:55,525 --> 00:05:57,976
If anything happened
while I was gone
143
00:05:57,994 --> 00:06:02,699
between you
and someone else...
144
00:06:04,034 --> 00:06:06,585
It doesn't matter now.
Okay?
145
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:08,871
All is forgiven.
146
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,344
Okay, Jenna, I need
some relationship advice.
147
00:06:15,378 --> 00:06:16,712
Well, you've come
to the right place.
148
00:06:16,763 --> 00:06:19,164
I've been writing
a sex column for Cosmo.
149
00:06:19,182 --> 00:06:20,999
Cosmo is
my 14-year-old neighbor.
150
00:06:21,017 --> 00:06:22,518
He doesn't know anything.
151
00:06:22,552 --> 00:06:25,221
No, it's not about sex.
It's about money.
152
00:06:25,272 --> 00:06:26,272
Liz!
153
00:06:26,306 --> 00:06:28,807
Sex, money, power, fire,
154
00:06:28,841 --> 00:06:31,026
choking, being dragged
behind a speed boat...
155
00:06:31,061 --> 00:06:32,394
It's all the same thing.
156
00:06:32,445 --> 00:06:34,863
Look, you and I
are both in situations
157
00:06:34,898 --> 00:06:36,065
where we're the breadwinner.
158
00:06:36,116 --> 00:06:38,367
How do you and Paul
deal with that?
159
00:06:38,401 --> 00:06:39,518
We love it.
160
00:06:39,536 --> 00:06:41,787
Gender role-reversal
is such a turn-on.
161
00:06:41,821 --> 00:06:43,522
Paul keeps the house nice,
162
00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:44,990
and I try
to get him pregnant.
163
00:06:45,024 --> 00:06:47,576
And the best part is,
if I want to treat myself
164
00:06:47,627 --> 00:06:49,495
to a new pair
of Christy LaButtons,
165
00:06:49,529 --> 00:06:52,214
I don't have to
ask any man for $17.
166
00:06:52,249 --> 00:06:54,166
- I'm sorry, Christy who?
- LaButtons.
167
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,751
They're knockoff
Christian Louboutins.
168
00:06:55,802 --> 00:06:57,886
I got tired of ruining
$1,200 shoes
169
00:06:57,921 --> 00:06:59,471
trying to impregnate
my boyfriend.
170
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,257
You know something,
against all odds,
171
00:07:01,308 --> 00:07:02,341
you have a point.
172
00:07:02,375 --> 00:07:04,009
Feminism promised us
two things...
173
00:07:04,043 --> 00:07:07,096
Fatter dolls, and an end
to traditional gender roles.
174
00:07:07,147 --> 00:07:08,564
Why am I fighting this?
175
00:07:08,598 --> 00:07:10,399
So what if I make
more money than Criss?
176
00:07:10,433 --> 00:07:12,568
Exactly.
It doesn't bother me.
177
00:07:12,602 --> 00:07:13,902
Doesn't bother Oprah.
178
00:07:13,937 --> 00:07:15,237
It sure doesn't seem
to bother Criss.
179
00:07:15,272 --> 00:07:16,438
He's at yoga right now.
180
00:07:16,489 --> 00:07:17,940
You wear the pants, Liz.
181
00:07:17,991 --> 00:07:19,391
You don't necessarily
pull them off
182
00:07:19,409 --> 00:07:21,860
because of your hips,
but you wear them.
183
00:07:21,894 --> 00:07:24,113
So embrace it!
184
00:07:29,669 --> 00:07:32,288
Lemon, Avery's missed
the past 12 months
185
00:07:32,339 --> 00:07:33,589
of popular culture.
186
00:07:33,623 --> 00:07:35,924
Could you put together
a presentation for tomorrow?
187
00:07:35,959 --> 00:07:37,042
An hour, tops.
188
00:07:37,076 --> 00:07:38,744
An hour for the year?
189
00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:40,912
Am I supposed to just
scratch the surface
190
00:07:40,930 --> 00:07:43,015
of channing Tatum's
meteoric rise?
191
00:07:43,049 --> 00:07:47,770
Lemon, Avery did
something strange this morning.
192
00:07:47,804 --> 00:07:49,722
They brainwashed her,
didn't they?
193
00:07:49,756 --> 00:07:51,440
Avery said something
this morning...
194
00:07:51,474 --> 00:07:53,442
Something shocking.
195
00:07:53,476 --> 00:07:55,861
That no matter what happened
while she was gone,
196
00:07:55,895 --> 00:07:57,363
"all is forgiven."
197
00:07:57,397 --> 00:07:58,697
And that's bad?
198
00:07:58,732 --> 00:08:01,233
It seems awfully nice
of her, considering.
199
00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:02,701
Exactly. Awfully nice.
200
00:08:02,736 --> 00:08:03,902
Does that sound like Avery
to you?
201
00:08:03,936 --> 00:08:05,704
- Well, no.
- That woman does not forgive.
202
00:08:05,739 --> 00:08:07,456
She's still furious
with Al Gore
203
00:08:07,490 --> 00:08:10,075
for stealing George Bush's
idea to have an Internet.
204
00:08:10,109 --> 00:08:11,827
And now she's forgiving me?
Why?
205
00:08:11,878 --> 00:08:13,379
Because she wants to change
the conversation
206
00:08:13,413 --> 00:08:15,331
because she's done something
she doesn't want to talk about.
207
00:08:15,382 --> 00:08:16,799
And what do people
not want to talk about?
208
00:08:16,833 --> 00:08:18,884
Soccer, jazz, infidelity.
209
00:08:18,918 --> 00:08:19,708
Okay, first of all,
210
00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:21,453
I don't know what you
count as cheating,
211
00:08:21,471 --> 00:08:24,173
but she was forced
to marry someone else.
212
00:08:24,224 --> 00:08:25,808
Kim Jong-Un, Lemon.
213
00:08:25,842 --> 00:08:28,260
Have you seen news footage
of that man?
214
00:08:28,294 --> 00:08:31,597
I have so many missile!
215
00:08:31,631 --> 00:08:34,233
I even have
nuclear missile.
216
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:37,202
Just for you,
sugarprong.
217
00:08:37,237 --> 00:08:39,705
There was another
American there, Lemon.
218
00:08:39,739 --> 00:08:41,990
A man. It raises
some red flags.
219
00:08:42,042 --> 00:08:43,575
My God.
Who are you to talk?
220
00:08:43,609 --> 00:08:45,494
You French-Canadian kissed
her mother,
221
00:08:45,545 --> 00:08:46,829
which is my name
for French kissing
222
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,464
when it bums
everybody else out.
223
00:08:48,498 --> 00:08:52,668
Yes. Brilliant.
I'll use my indiscretion
224
00:08:52,719 --> 00:08:54,053
to guilt her into
revealing hers.
225
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:55,754
The game is afoot!
226
00:08:55,788 --> 00:08:57,923
No. She's been back
for, like six hours.
227
00:08:57,957 --> 00:08:59,308
Maybe take a little time,
228
00:08:59,342 --> 00:09:01,143
let things get back
to normal.
229
00:09:01,177 --> 00:09:03,729
Playing psycho-sexual
mind games is our normal, Lemon.
230
00:09:03,763 --> 00:09:07,399
This is perfect.
Everything's perfect.
231
00:09:12,735 --> 00:09:15,535
Dadgum possum up and what
been bit my mother's neck brace.
232
00:09:15,649 --> 00:09:18,785
Dadgum possum up and what
been bit my mother's neck brace.
233
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,254
- Again!
- Dadgum possum up and what been
234
00:09:21,288 --> 00:09:22,956
my mom's neck brace.
235
00:09:22,990 --> 00:09:24,624
Again, you waste
of my time!
236
00:09:24,658 --> 00:09:28,011
Dadgum possum up'n what bit
my mama's neck brace!
237
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,463
There it is.
Again!
238
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,443
Excellent.
Again!
239
00:09:43,477 --> 00:09:48,782
Dixie's callin', y'all.
I reckon you should answer.
240
00:09:48,816 --> 00:09:51,534
No, this isn't right.
241
00:09:51,569 --> 00:09:53,370
This isn't Southern elegance.
242
00:09:53,404 --> 00:09:55,455
This is a dirtbag girl
I once knew.
243
00:09:55,489 --> 00:09:57,356
A girl named Jay-nuh!
244
00:09:57,375 --> 00:09:59,659
She used to get into
fistfights at water parks,
245
00:09:59,693 --> 00:10:03,079
and lost her virginity to a bait
salesman on a water bed.
246
00:10:03,130 --> 00:10:06,666
She's not who I am any more.
I'm classy.
247
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,419
People who say that
about themselves usually are.
248
00:10:09,470 --> 00:10:11,554
This whole Southern thing
is wrong.
249
00:10:11,589 --> 00:10:13,056
I need to find
a new wedding sponsor
250
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:14,707
that's as classy
as I am.
251
00:10:14,725 --> 00:10:18,061
I'm not this person,
'cause I done got rid of her!
252
00:10:21,432 --> 00:10:22,949
Kim Jong-Il could not
be reached for comment
253
00:10:22,983 --> 00:10:24,701
because he was having
a totally normal day
254
00:10:24,735 --> 00:10:26,169
being alive and not dead.
255
00:10:26,203 --> 00:10:28,354
And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.
256
00:10:28,388 --> 00:10:30,273
Thanks, Avery.
In NBA action,
257
00:10:30,324 --> 00:10:32,659
Kim Jong-Un won
the championship today.
258
00:10:32,693 --> 00:10:34,577
Our brilliant comrade
scored 200 points
259
00:10:34,612 --> 00:10:36,863
and then went hot-tubbing
with a couple guys
260
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,782
he's definitely
just friends with.
261
00:10:42,837 --> 00:10:44,921
Hi.
262
00:10:44,955 --> 00:10:47,040
Look, I've been thinking
about what you said earlier
263
00:10:47,074 --> 00:10:49,959
about forgiveness...
It was beautiful.
264
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:52,378
But I would feel very guilty
if I kept anything from you,
265
00:10:52,412 --> 00:10:54,413
as I know you would if you
kept something from me.
266
00:10:54,432 --> 00:10:56,883
So while you were away,
267
00:10:56,917 --> 00:11:01,387
I did have feelings
for another woman.
268
00:11:01,421 --> 00:11:03,890
Thank you.
269
00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,308
I forgive you.
270
00:11:05,359 --> 00:11:08,111
You lose, Jack...
271
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:10,130
Is what Kim Jong-Il said
to Jack Nicklaus
272
00:11:10,164 --> 00:11:11,314
after def eating him
in golf today
273
00:11:11,348 --> 00:11:14,200
because they're both
totally alive.
274
00:11:19,907 --> 00:11:22,375
You went out
and bought a Fedora.
275
00:11:22,409 --> 00:11:24,661
This? I finally watched
the premiere
276
00:11:24,712 --> 00:11:27,464
of Prime suspect on Hulu.
It's really very good.
277
00:11:27,498 --> 00:11:29,549
Anyway, I thought
I would treat myself.
278
00:11:29,583 --> 00:11:33,586
But don't worry, I'm gonna
take care of you too.
279
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,255
Okay, but look,
280
00:11:35,289 --> 00:11:37,223
I still want to chip in
on this renovation.
281
00:11:37,258 --> 00:11:39,092
And clean out
your life savings?
282
00:11:39,126 --> 00:11:40,810
Why don't you take
that $200
283
00:11:40,845 --> 00:11:42,645
and buy yourself
something cute?
284
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,266
Here's a hint.
I like zippers.
285
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:48,318
I'm a man.
I'm a man, I'm a man!
286
00:11:48,352 --> 00:11:50,270
I'm an adult man!
287
00:11:50,304 --> 00:11:51,855
You think I like you having
to pay for everything?
288
00:11:51,906 --> 00:11:52,989
It's humiliating.
289
00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:54,774
But gender roles,
fat dolls...
290
00:11:54,808 --> 00:11:57,110
You think I like having
to earn crisspoints
291
00:11:57,144 --> 00:11:59,996
so that I can take you on dates
that you actually pay for?
292
00:12:00,030 --> 00:12:01,698
I thought you liked
the crisspoints system.
293
00:12:01,749 --> 00:12:03,833
Only because liking
the crisspoints system
294
00:12:03,868 --> 00:12:06,870
is one of the ways
I earn crisspoints!
295
00:12:06,921 --> 00:12:10,507
Okay, I'm sorry that I
offended your male pride,
296
00:12:10,541 --> 00:12:13,343
but you're the one who chose
to sell hot dogs out of a car.
297
00:12:13,377 --> 00:12:16,346
It is a van
with a car engine, Liz, okay?
298
00:12:16,380 --> 00:12:19,498
Now, look, if your show
gets canceled, okay,
299
00:12:19,517 --> 00:12:21,667
or NBC just becomes
a web site
300
00:12:21,685 --> 00:12:23,336
that sells
used office supplies,
301
00:12:23,354 --> 00:12:25,188
I'd like to know that
I can take care of you.
302
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,673
And now we're talking
about having a plant?
303
00:12:27,691 --> 00:12:28,892
It's stressing me out!
304
00:12:28,943 --> 00:12:30,676
Really?
It's stressing you out?
305
00:12:30,694 --> 00:12:31,811
Of course, because you're
the person
306
00:12:31,845 --> 00:12:33,396
who has to krang that plant
for nine months,
307
00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:36,065
poop it, and then go back
to work to support both of you!
308
00:12:36,116 --> 00:12:37,984
Uhhuh.
So what you're saying is
309
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:39,352
you need somebody different
to do this with.
310
00:12:39,370 --> 00:12:41,621
Somebody with money
that's probably named Spencer
311
00:12:41,655 --> 00:12:43,206
or Grant.
312
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,875
And he has a watch,
and an office with a trash can
313
00:12:45,910 --> 00:12:47,544
and a little basketball hoop
on it.
314
00:12:47,578 --> 00:12:49,412
And he plays as hard
as he works because, damn it,
315
00:12:49,463 --> 00:12:51,297
he deserves to blow off
a little steam.
316
00:12:51,332 --> 00:12:53,633
God, I don't wanna be
with Spencer!
317
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:55,585
And yet you're silent
about Grant.
318
00:12:55,636 --> 00:12:58,471
Well, guess what...
I'm gonna become Grant.
319
00:12:58,505 --> 00:13:00,974
That's right, tomorrow
I'm gonna take my truck out,
320
00:13:01,008 --> 00:13:04,727
and I'm gonna start
pulling my weight, like a man.
321
00:13:04,762 --> 00:13:10,183
Now, get in that bed,
and let's watch Dance moms.
322
00:13:17,641 --> 00:13:19,359
Girl.
323
00:13:19,393 --> 00:13:21,727
Are you crying because
there are no roles
324
00:13:21,745 --> 00:13:24,781
for actresses in their 40s,
nor should there be?
325
00:13:24,832 --> 00:13:27,617
I thought I found a classy
new sponsor for my wedding,
326
00:13:27,668 --> 00:13:29,535
but then something happened.
327
00:13:30,838 --> 00:13:32,956
Hubbard's flavorless
english water biscuits...
328
00:13:33,007 --> 00:13:34,507
I'm sorry.
329
00:13:34,541 --> 00:13:37,760
Hubbard's flavorless
english water biscuits...
330
00:13:37,795 --> 00:13:39,963
- Cut!
- They fired me.
331
00:13:40,014 --> 00:13:42,348
We did 50 takes,
and I couldn't do it.
332
00:13:42,383 --> 00:13:44,968
50? That's nothing.
I once did 100 takes
333
00:13:45,019 --> 00:13:47,553
and still couldn't say
the word "incorrigible."
334
00:13:47,587 --> 00:13:48,972
Great, now I get it!
335
00:13:49,023 --> 00:13:51,357
Siri, bring Jessica Tandy
back to life.
336
00:13:51,392 --> 00:13:53,359
I thought that girl
from toilet swamp cove
337
00:13:53,394 --> 00:13:54,527
was dead and buried,
338
00:13:54,561 --> 00:13:56,562
but she's always been there
inside me,
339
00:13:56,596 --> 00:13:58,698
and now she's taking over.
340
00:13:58,732 --> 00:14:00,900
I want to throw a natty light
at a cop car!
341
00:14:00,934 --> 00:14:02,952
I have someone
inside me too.
342
00:14:02,987 --> 00:14:04,904
It's a bath toy
of a scuba diver.
343
00:14:04,938 --> 00:14:07,991
I need to take a walk
and clear my head
344
00:14:08,042 --> 00:14:09,459
Tracy...
345
00:14:09,493 --> 00:14:11,794
Jessica Tandy's zombie
is coming to find you.
346
00:14:11,829 --> 00:14:13,279
Is that correct?
347
00:14:13,297 --> 00:14:14,831
Yes, siri.
Thank you, baby.
348
00:14:18,968 --> 00:14:19,994
So, Lemon, I took your advice
349
00:14:19,995 --> 00:14:21,373
and used my transgression with Diana,
350
00:14:21,424 --> 00:14:23,625
as a weapon
to interrogate Avery,
351
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:25,759
just as you suggested.
352
00:14:25,810 --> 00:14:27,478
That is not
what I suggested.
353
00:14:27,512 --> 00:14:28,762
You just hear
what you want to hear.
354
00:14:28,813 --> 00:14:30,547
Thank you.
They're from Italy.
355
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:32,166
I just gave Avery
a little taste.
356
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,201
Said I was attracted
to another woman.
357
00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:35,319
Guess what she told me.
358
00:14:35,353 --> 00:14:38,054
Nothing.
She just forgave me.
359
00:14:38,072 --> 00:14:39,656
Believe me,
I didn't expect her
360
00:14:39,691 --> 00:14:41,441
to come out of her
forgiveness bunker so easily,
361
00:14:41,493 --> 00:14:43,827
but I really need
to up the ante.
362
00:14:43,862 --> 00:14:45,445
Drop a grenade
in that bunker,
363
00:14:45,497 --> 00:14:47,197
like Jim Brown
in The Dirty Dozen.
364
00:14:47,231 --> 00:14:48,899
Enjoy your party, Nazis!
365
00:14:50,118 --> 00:14:52,536
Are you talking about
your wife?
366
00:14:52,570 --> 00:14:53,754
God, she's good.
367
00:14:53,788 --> 00:14:56,340
This kind of gamesmanship
is why I love her.
368
00:14:56,374 --> 00:14:59,910
She has the brain of a man, and
the ass of a French teenager.
369
00:14:59,928 --> 00:15:01,178
But I will win.
370
00:15:01,212 --> 00:15:02,796
I don't know, Jack,
it's 2012.
371
00:15:02,847 --> 00:15:05,081
It's not always clear who wears
the pants in the family.
372
00:15:05,099 --> 00:15:06,967
I do, Lemon.
I wear the pants.
373
00:15:07,018 --> 00:15:08,936
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
374
00:15:08,970 --> 00:15:10,604
Nice pants, Avery.
375
00:15:10,638 --> 00:15:12,272
And, Liz, good to see you.
376
00:15:12,307 --> 00:15:14,725
You're hair's the same.
377
00:15:14,759 --> 00:15:17,110
It's not. Actually,
something terrible happened.
378
00:15:17,145 --> 00:15:18,362
I don't have
a lot of time.
379
00:15:18,396 --> 00:15:19,696
I have my year-in-finance
presentation after this,
380
00:15:19,731 --> 00:15:22,366
and Lloyd Blankfein slithers
back into the sewers
381
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,451
to eat rotten fish
at 6:00, so...
382
00:15:28,206 --> 00:15:30,207
[Rapping]
♪Deathly hallows and tebow ♪
383
00:15:30,241 --> 00:15:31,792
♪ Oprah does her last show ♪
384
00:15:31,826 --> 00:15:33,544
♪ Beyonce had a baby, yo ♪
385
00:15:33,578 --> 00:15:35,712
♪ It's a 12-month wrap-up,
rap-rap-rap-up ♪
386
00:15:35,747 --> 00:15:38,048
You know what, I'll just
read some US weeklies.
387
00:15:38,082 --> 00:15:39,383
- Thank you, Lemon.
- But it's an hour long,
388
00:15:39,417 --> 00:15:41,385
- like you wanted.
- Thank you.
389
00:15:41,419 --> 00:15:43,220
Fine.
390
00:15:43,254 --> 00:15:45,222
I'm gonna head down
to Goldman early.
391
00:15:45,256 --> 00:15:46,590
Avery, I should
tell you something.
392
00:15:46,624 --> 00:15:48,124
I wasn't completely honest
393
00:15:48,142 --> 00:15:50,010
when I was being
completely honest earlier.
394
00:15:50,061 --> 00:15:51,562
Let me stop you right there.
395
00:15:51,596 --> 00:15:54,147
I forgave you so that we
wouldn't have to discuss this.
396
00:15:54,182 --> 00:15:56,099
Let me stop you right there
from stopping me right there.
397
00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:58,318
I know why you forgave me.
398
00:15:58,353 --> 00:16:01,655
But the woman I mentioned,
we kissed.
399
00:16:01,689 --> 00:16:03,190
And I know I would hate it
if you kept something
400
00:16:03,241 --> 00:16:04,775
like that from me, so...
401
00:16:04,809 --> 00:16:08,579
So... I forgive you.
402
00:16:08,613 --> 00:16:09,913
And no matter what you say,
403
00:16:09,948 --> 00:16:13,367
I am always going to
forgive you.
404
00:16:13,418 --> 00:16:14,651
Always.
405
00:16:20,508 --> 00:16:25,161
Aha! What do you think?
Pretty awesome,
406
00:16:25,179 --> 00:16:26,880
It's a brand new
location, Liz.
407
00:16:26,931 --> 00:16:27,998
I got a subway entrance
right here,
408
00:16:28,016 --> 00:16:29,850
and I got a tour bus stop
right there.
409
00:16:29,884 --> 00:16:31,518
Also, FOX News is
right across the street,
410
00:16:31,552 --> 00:16:34,438
and word is Greta Van Susteren
eats hot dogs like slimer.
411
00:16:34,472 --> 00:16:36,339
Yeah, who's usually here?
412
00:16:36,357 --> 00:16:38,442
Right, those creepy,
off-brand
413
00:16:38,476 --> 00:16:41,395
sesame street characters
that harass tourists
414
00:16:41,446 --> 00:16:42,696
into paying them
to take pictures with them.
415
00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:43,847
I hate those guys.
416
00:16:43,865 --> 00:16:45,148
As a sesame street purist,
417
00:16:45,182 --> 00:16:47,284
I don't think Elmo usually
tells passing women
418
00:16:47,318 --> 00:16:49,786
- the they have a sweet dumper.
- Move it!
419
00:16:49,821 --> 00:16:52,205
- This is our corner, pal!
- You don't own this corner.
420
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,541
And I got a family
to support, like a man.
421
00:16:57,412 --> 00:16:59,696
- Don't hit my cheekbones!
- Stop it!
422
00:16:59,714 --> 00:17:01,081
Get off him, Elmo!
423
00:17:01,132 --> 00:17:02,749
Legally, I have to say
I'm Elmarg!
424
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,368
Them puppets done picked
425
00:17:05,386 --> 00:17:07,921
the wrong day to cross
my kin!
426
00:17:07,972 --> 00:17:11,475
It's on,
panhandle style!
427
00:17:17,181 --> 00:17:18,715
Well, it's over.
428
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:21,234
I'm never gonna get
a wedding sponsor now.
429
00:17:21,269 --> 00:17:24,888
That dirtbag Jay-nuh won.
430
00:17:24,906 --> 00:17:26,907
I wanted my wedding to be
an expression of who I am,
431
00:17:26,941 --> 00:17:27,908
and now it will be.
432
00:17:27,942 --> 00:17:29,893
I'm a panhandle hick,
433
00:17:29,911 --> 00:17:31,778
and my wedding will be
just another panel
434
00:17:31,829 --> 00:17:34,414
on my mother's family history
back tattoo.
435
00:17:34,449 --> 00:17:37,417
Come on,
it's not all that bad.
436
00:17:37,452 --> 00:17:39,086
Look at that caption.
437
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:43,457
"Aging star Jenna Maroney,
beats up Elmo with her..."
438
00:17:43,508 --> 00:17:45,459
So you own things.
That's good.
439
00:17:45,510 --> 00:17:48,178
"Christian..."
That's always a good word.
440
00:17:48,212 --> 00:17:51,765
Wait, did they say
"Christian" about my shoes?
441
00:17:51,799 --> 00:17:54,101
"With her
Christian Louboutins."
442
00:17:54,135 --> 00:17:57,054
They didn't know that my shoes
were cheap knockoffs.
443
00:17:57,088 --> 00:17:58,355
They thought they were fancy,
444
00:17:58,389 --> 00:18:00,440
even though
they're secretly crap.
445
00:18:00,475 --> 00:18:03,777
That's it.
That's who I am!
446
00:18:03,811 --> 00:18:06,229
I'm that knockoff
designer shoe.
447
00:18:06,263 --> 00:18:08,815
My outside is
shiny and pretty,
448
00:18:08,866 --> 00:18:12,536
but my inside is filled
with cardboard and horse glue.
449
00:18:12,570 --> 00:18:14,905
I've solved
my identity crisis!
450
00:18:14,939 --> 00:18:19,409
More importantly, I know
who can sponsor my wedding!
451
00:18:23,247 --> 00:18:25,749
No, I think it's a very
cool costume, mayor Bloomberg.
452
00:18:25,783 --> 00:18:28,135
Tonight,
I'm mayor Booo-mberg.
453
00:18:28,169 --> 00:18:29,786
Yes, I think
you've mentioned that.
454
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:32,305
Booo... booo...
455
00:18:34,926 --> 00:18:36,309
Scott.
456
00:18:36,344 --> 00:18:39,229
Happy birthdaversary,
honey.
457
00:18:39,263 --> 00:18:41,264
Jack, this homecoming's
been amazing.
458
00:18:41,298 --> 00:18:43,934
Nice to see you relaxing
and enjoying yourself,
459
00:18:43,968 --> 00:18:46,737
and totally unprepared
for a forgiveness attack.
460
00:18:46,771 --> 00:18:48,688
- What?
- Avery...
461
00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:49,906
What?
462
00:18:49,941 --> 00:18:53,193
The woman I kissed
is your mother.
463
00:18:55,329 --> 00:19:00,333
That is... shocking.
464
00:19:00,368 --> 00:19:03,620
But I told you
all is forgiven,
465
00:19:03,654 --> 00:19:08,175
so... all is forgiven.
466
00:19:08,209 --> 00:19:12,295
What do I have to say
to guilt the truth out of you?
467
00:19:12,329 --> 00:19:13,496
How about this?
A few months ago,
468
00:19:13,514 --> 00:19:14,664
Liddy broke into
the gun safe
469
00:19:14,682 --> 00:19:16,967
and shot up
your gift-wrapping room.
470
00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:18,518
I did wear your nightgowns.
471
00:19:18,553 --> 00:19:20,937
Not to feel you near,
they're just comfortable.
472
00:19:20,972 --> 00:19:25,609
I had an erotic dream about
an adult Dora the explorer.
473
00:19:25,643 --> 00:19:27,194
I took her on a balcony
in Madrid,
474
00:19:27,228 --> 00:19:29,329
above the Plaza Mayor.
475
00:19:29,363 --> 00:19:32,065
She had flowers
in her hair.
476
00:19:32,116 --> 00:19:33,366
Now I've admitted everything.
477
00:19:33,401 --> 00:19:35,819
Game over, Avery.
Tell me what you did.
478
00:19:35,853 --> 00:19:38,855
I'll tell you exactly
what I did, Jack.
479
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:41,408
- I won.
- You what?
480
00:19:41,459 --> 00:19:43,026
I got you to tell me
everything you did.
481
00:19:43,044 --> 00:19:45,879
And guess what...
I didn't do anything.
482
00:19:45,913 --> 00:19:48,165
- But Scott Scottsman...
- Until the flight home,
483
00:19:48,199 --> 00:19:50,884
the only words I'd ever said
to Scott Scottsman were,
484
00:19:50,918 --> 00:19:53,303
"and now with sports,
Scott Scottsman."
485
00:19:53,337 --> 00:19:54,704
I thought I was playing you,
486
00:19:54,722 --> 00:19:56,890
and you were playing me
the whole time.
487
00:19:56,924 --> 00:19:58,675
And in 24 hours,
I got you to tell me things
488
00:19:58,709 --> 00:20:00,811
it would have taken you years
to admit.
489
00:20:00,845 --> 00:20:03,180
Now we can start over.
490
00:20:03,214 --> 00:20:06,049
The final piece of the puzzle
is just me forgiving you
491
00:20:06,067 --> 00:20:10,654
for,
kissing my mother!
492
00:20:10,688 --> 00:20:12,823
We did it.
Everything's normal.
493
00:20:12,857 --> 00:20:15,158
- USA!
- It's classic us.
494
00:20:15,193 --> 00:20:17,277
Damn it, Jessup,
I'd marry you all over again!
495
00:20:17,328 --> 00:20:21,281
That's what we're gonna do.
We've gonna renew our vows.
496
00:20:21,332 --> 00:20:23,233
- We need a new blender anyway.
- Baby.
497
00:20:25,703 --> 00:20:26,411
Sorry I'm late.
498
00:20:26,412 --> 00:20:28,205
Criss got into a fight with an Elmo.
499
00:20:28,239 --> 00:20:30,340
And he hates it that
I make more money than he does.
500
00:20:30,374 --> 00:20:33,093
And I don't know, maybe we're not
supposed to have a plant together.
501
00:20:33,127 --> 00:20:35,679
- Love is complicated, right?
- Wrong.
502
00:20:35,713 --> 00:20:38,131
- We kicked love's ass!
- Yes!
503
00:20:38,182 --> 00:20:39,266
We're renewing our vows.
504
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:42,302
No, no, renewing vows
is a kiss of death.
505
00:20:42,353 --> 00:20:43,603
You should have let me
finish my rap.
506
00:20:43,638 --> 00:20:45,472
There was a whole verse
about it!
507
00:20:45,523 --> 00:20:47,090
♪ J-Lo and Marc Anthony ♪
508
00:20:47,108 --> 00:20:48,642
♪ Donn and Vicki from O. C. ♪
509
00:20:48,693 --> 00:20:50,227
♪ 12-month wrap-up,
rap-rap-rap-up ♪
510
00:20:50,261 --> 00:20:51,311
Lemon.
511
00:20:51,362 --> 00:20:53,429
It's the kiss of death, yo!
512
00:20:53,447 --> 00:20:56,299
I reject Chris Brown's comeback!
Lemon out!
513
00:20:59,978 --> 00:21:01,895
Here at off-brandheelz. com,
514
00:21:01,914 --> 00:21:03,898
we've got all the brands
that fit your needs
515
00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:04,999
and your budget.
516
00:21:05,034 --> 00:21:07,385
Johnny Choon,
Dolce and Banana,
517
00:21:07,419 --> 00:21:11,956
Merolo Blornig, Prader,
Gukki, DKNI,
518
00:21:11,974 --> 00:21:14,976
Alexandorp McKing,
Diana Von Fistenbug,
519
00:21:15,010 --> 00:21:16,211
and Jessica Simpson.
520
00:21:16,245 --> 00:21:18,563
We've got all the brands
that fit your needs.
521
00:21:18,597 --> 00:21:21,432
Job interviews, running
from your parole officer,
522
00:21:21,466 --> 00:21:23,218
attending a theater opening,
523
00:21:23,252 --> 00:21:25,737
breaking into your mom's house
to steal her cable box.
524
00:21:25,771 --> 00:21:30,758
off-brandheelz.com,
naturally fayun-cy.
525
00:21:30,873 --> 00:21:34,373
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
www.addic7ed.com
40052
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