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1
00:00:05,898 --> 00:00:09,102
Happy New Year, congratulations
on getting married, sir.
2
00:00:09,222 --> 00:00:13,586
I know I didn't deserve to be invited
so I thought I'd give your gift now.
3
00:00:13,706 --> 00:00:15,778
Not if it's a song.
4
00:00:15,846 --> 00:00:18,314
It's not.
It's...
5
00:00:18,381 --> 00:00:21,000
This belt.
6
00:00:21,084 --> 00:00:22,785
Oh.
7
00:00:22,853 --> 00:00:24,887
Well, the nuptials
were perfect.
8
00:00:24,955 --> 00:00:27,356
We rented a villa
on St. Esclavage.
9
00:00:27,424 --> 00:00:29,558
For my second wedding, I just
wanted a five-minute ceremony
10
00:00:29,626 --> 00:00:31,660
surrounded by one giant party,
11
00:00:31,728 --> 00:00:33,629
so the service was performed
12
00:00:33,697 --> 00:00:36,799
by an exiled French
admiral/defrocked minister.
13
00:00:36,850 --> 00:00:41,187
[Speaking French]
14
00:00:41,271 --> 00:00:43,439
Well, I'm glad
it went smoothly.
15
00:00:43,507 --> 00:00:45,772
-
You and I...
- Uh, the only hiccup
16
00:00:45,892 --> 00:00:47,226
was that my best man,
17
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:49,445
deep sea explorer
and raconteur Bob Ballard,
18
00:00:49,512 --> 00:00:51,480
took ill after eating
some bad toucan.
19
00:00:51,548 --> 00:00:55,417
So, uh, Lemon filled in
as my best man.
20
00:00:55,485 --> 00:00:57,036
[Laughs hysterically]
21
00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,122
This is from St. Esclavage.
22
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:03,058
It's my marriage certificate.
23
00:01:03,126 --> 00:01:05,194
Oh, good God.
24
00:01:07,130 --> 00:01:08,798
[Screams at a high pitch]
25
00:01:08,865 --> 00:01:11,767
[Exciting jazz music]
26
00:01:11,835 --> 00:01:21,881
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
27
00:01:28,685 --> 00:01:30,664
Liz Lemon,
I want it to be noted
28
00:01:30,784 --> 00:01:32,154
that I'm here on time.
29
00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:35,157
This is a new year
and a fresh start for me.
30
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:37,109
Now I got to go.
31
00:01:37,194 --> 00:01:38,828
Where are you going?
32
00:01:38,895 --> 00:01:40,963
I'm hosting the International
Pornography Awards.
33
00:01:41,031 --> 00:01:43,232
And I have to go get
an insurance physical
34
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,800
so I can fly into the arena
35
00:01:44,868 --> 00:01:46,936
in a penis-shaped parachute.
36
00:01:50,173 --> 00:01:52,808
[Knock at door]
37
00:01:52,876 --> 00:01:54,260
[Speaking Mandarin]
38
00:01:57,013 --> 00:02:00,216
Hey, what is going on
with Jenna's dressing room?
39
00:02:00,283 --> 00:02:02,051
Jack rented it out
to an I.T. company.
40
00:02:02,118 --> 00:02:03,819
The Kabletown board
is meeting this week
41
00:02:03,887 --> 00:02:06,488
to approve buying NBC, and
he's doing everything possible
42
00:02:06,556 --> 00:02:08,307
to make us seem profitable.
43
00:02:08,391 --> 00:02:11,794
He turned the green room
into an NBC experience store.
44
00:02:11,862 --> 00:02:13,062
And we have to schedule
our rehearsals
45
00:02:13,129 --> 00:02:14,129
around the bat mitzvahs
46
00:02:14,197 --> 00:02:16,065
Jack has booked in the studio.
47
00:02:16,132 --> 00:02:18,400
When Madison was born,
I said, "Rivka,
48
00:02:18,468 --> 00:02:20,836
my schveltz is filled
with schpoinkis."
49
00:02:20,904 --> 00:02:23,205
Okay, well, I'm gonna talk
to Jack about this.
50
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:25,407
I'm sure he's still in
a good mood from the wedding.
51
00:02:25,475 --> 00:02:27,142
- Oh, yeah, how was that?
- Total chaos...
52
00:02:27,210 --> 00:02:28,177
No rehearsal,
53
00:02:28,245 --> 00:02:29,411
no program,
54
00:02:29,462 --> 00:02:31,046
the bride wore
a black cocktail dress.
55
00:02:31,114 --> 00:02:32,681
The airline lost my luggage,
56
00:02:32,749 --> 00:02:34,817
and the only place
to buy anything on the island
57
00:02:34,885 --> 00:02:36,151
was at the tennis pro shop.
58
00:02:36,219 --> 00:02:38,604
Luckily, I had the essentials
in my carry-on...
59
00:02:38,672 --> 00:02:40,322
toiletries,
closed-toe shoes,
60
00:02:40,390 --> 00:02:42,324
and the state department-
recommended mosquito head nets.
61
00:02:42,392 --> 00:02:44,059
I sense more complaining
in you.
62
00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:45,060
Terrible flower girl.
63
00:02:45,128 --> 00:02:46,428
At four years old,
you should know
64
00:02:46,496 --> 00:02:47,863
how to pace
your petal distribution.
65
00:02:47,931 --> 00:02:51,317
Hannah, petal, step,
petal, step.
66
00:02:51,401 --> 00:02:52,851
Come on!
67
00:02:52,936 --> 00:02:55,321
And don't even get me started
on the monkeys.
68
00:02:55,405 --> 00:02:57,740
You!
It needs to see Mr. Donaghy.
69
00:02:57,807 --> 00:02:59,441
It needs to see him right away.
70
00:02:59,492 --> 00:03:02,011
Get us all our stuff back.
71
00:03:02,078 --> 00:03:03,979
[Knock at door]
72
00:03:04,047 --> 00:03:05,948
- Hey.
- Elizabeth, shut the door.
73
00:03:08,485 --> 00:03:10,953
Lemon,
during my wedding ceremony,
74
00:03:11,004 --> 00:03:13,772
do you remember being asked
a question by the minister?
75
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:15,841
Yeah.
It was something like...
76
00:03:15,909 --> 00:03:17,743
[Babbles in fake French]
77
00:03:17,811 --> 00:03:19,328
And in spite
of not understanding,
78
00:03:19,379 --> 00:03:22,264
you responded, "Oui."
79
00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:24,600
Well, one of my new year's
resolutions is to say yes...
80
00:03:24,668 --> 00:03:26,468
yes to love, yes to life,
81
00:03:26,536 --> 00:03:28,737
yes to staying in more.
82
00:03:28,805 --> 00:03:32,691
Do you remember signing
this document afterwards?
83
00:03:32,776 --> 00:03:34,410
Yeah.
The minister told me to...
84
00:03:34,477 --> 00:03:37,112
On the epouse line.
85
00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:39,114
Witness.
86
00:03:39,182 --> 00:03:41,417
Not witness.
87
00:03:41,484 --> 00:03:44,320
No, Lemon...
88
00:03:44,387 --> 00:03:45,454
Wife.
89
00:03:45,522 --> 00:03:47,389
Mother...
90
00:03:50,193 --> 00:03:52,895
Vous partagez?C'est tres europeen.
91
00:03:52,963 --> 00:03:55,297
Est-ce que je peux vous joindredans votre partage?
92
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:56,332
Oui.
93
00:03:56,383 --> 00:03:58,667
They married us by mistake?
94
00:03:58,735 --> 00:04:00,369
It is a clerical error
95
00:04:00,437 --> 00:04:03,472
that will be rectified
immediately.
96
00:04:03,539 --> 00:04:05,140
See, this is exactly the kind
of thing that happens
97
00:04:05,208 --> 00:04:07,343
when there is no order,
no planning.
98
00:04:07,394 --> 00:04:09,912
Hitler and Martha Stewart
would have hated that wedding.
99
00:04:09,980 --> 00:04:11,430
Of course,
it's everyone else's fault
100
00:04:11,514 --> 00:04:12,781
that the minister thought
the lady
101
00:04:12,849 --> 00:04:14,283
in the white dress and the veil
was the bride.
102
00:04:14,351 --> 00:04:15,768
It was a men's tennis shirt
103
00:04:15,852 --> 00:04:17,519
and a government-sanctioned
head net.
104
00:04:17,587 --> 00:04:19,188
You kept holding on to my arm.
105
00:04:19,239 --> 00:04:20,923
It's hard to balance on sand.
106
00:04:20,991 --> 00:04:22,758
Who wears shoes on a beach?
107
00:04:22,826 --> 00:04:25,027
Only Rocky and Apollo Creed
108
00:04:25,095 --> 00:04:26,862
during the training montage.
109
00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:29,331
Who cares?
You're fixing it.
110
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:30,966
I'm sorry you got caught up
in another one
111
00:04:31,034 --> 00:04:32,201
of Liz Lemon's adventures.
112
00:04:32,268 --> 00:04:34,370
My adventures...
I am the protagonist.
113
00:04:34,437 --> 00:04:37,906
Avery is in China right now
covering an economic conference.
114
00:04:37,974 --> 00:04:39,174
She is not a spy.
115
00:04:39,242 --> 00:04:40,976
I want this taken care of
before she gets back.
116
00:04:41,044 --> 00:04:43,178
Divorce papers
are being drawn up.
117
00:04:43,246 --> 00:04:44,680
Try to sign on the right line.
118
00:04:44,748 --> 00:04:46,949
Whatever you say, dear.
119
00:04:47,017 --> 00:04:49,451
Do not.
Do not.
120
00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:50,919
Don't forget, honey,
121
00:04:50,987 --> 00:04:53,389
we have bridge
with the Cunninghams tonight.
122
00:04:54,590 --> 00:04:56,825
Tracy, you are going to die...
123
00:04:56,893 --> 00:04:58,527
What?
No!
124
00:04:58,595 --> 00:04:59,978
When I tell you who I'm dating.
125
00:05:00,063 --> 00:05:01,363
Squeaky fromme.
126
00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:03,999
She is difficult.
127
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:05,117
Anyhoo,
128
00:05:05,201 --> 00:05:07,169
I have the results
of your physical.
129
00:05:07,237 --> 00:05:09,505
Tracy, you are going to die.
130
00:05:09,572 --> 00:05:11,073
What?
No!
131
00:05:11,141 --> 00:05:12,607
You have no reflexes.
132
00:05:12,659 --> 00:05:14,443
Your blood tastes
like root beer.
133
00:05:14,511 --> 00:05:16,845
And some of your bones
appear to have vanished.
134
00:05:16,913 --> 00:05:18,647
Now, I've only ever seen
this kind of thing
135
00:05:18,715 --> 00:05:21,083
on dead people
during operation Desert Storm.
136
00:05:21,151 --> 00:05:22,584
I actually wrote
a report on it,
137
00:05:22,652 --> 00:05:25,454
but my commander refused
to pass it on up to Saddam.
138
00:05:25,522 --> 00:05:27,256
[Chuckles]
Kooky times.
139
00:05:27,323 --> 00:05:29,658
But I can't die,
Dr. Space-Man.
140
00:05:29,726 --> 00:05:31,310
Who will be there
to raise my kids
141
00:05:31,394 --> 00:05:34,163
if I'm not around to pay someone
to raise my kids?
142
00:05:34,230 --> 00:05:35,998
Look, making even minor changes
143
00:05:36,066 --> 00:05:37,866
to your unhealthy lifestyle
would help,
144
00:05:37,934 --> 00:05:39,368
like diet and exercise.
145
00:05:39,436 --> 00:05:41,570
Well, we tried.
146
00:05:41,638 --> 00:05:43,772
Oh, look, I'm sorry, Tracy.
147
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,274
But on the bright side,
148
00:05:45,341 --> 00:05:47,109
at least your family's
financially set for life.
149
00:05:47,177 --> 00:05:49,011
Now, this could
literally kill you.
150
00:05:49,079 --> 00:05:50,846
Lollipop?
151
00:05:55,885 --> 00:05:58,887
[Sighs] Thank you for taking
in Miss Maroney, Mr. Baker.
152
00:05:58,955 --> 00:06:02,207
We would have asked you sooner,
but we forgot you worked here.
153
00:06:02,292 --> 00:06:04,009
Thank you
for doing this, Danny.
154
00:06:04,094 --> 00:06:06,128
It's gonna be fun.
155
00:06:06,179 --> 00:06:07,679
[Laughs]
Yeah.
156
00:06:07,764 --> 00:06:09,631
It's like...
it's like we're married.
157
00:06:09,682 --> 00:06:10,699
[Laughs]
158
00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:12,201
Now, don't you two
start bickering
159
00:06:12,268 --> 00:06:13,368
like old married folks.
160
00:06:13,436 --> 00:06:17,172
[Laughter]
161
00:06:22,045 --> 00:06:23,078
Are you okay?
162
00:06:23,146 --> 00:06:25,114
It's just I got a haircut,
163
00:06:25,181 --> 00:06:26,415
and you didn't even notice.
164
00:06:26,483 --> 00:06:27,449
Sorry.
165
00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:29,151
You get your hair cut
every week.
166
00:06:29,219 --> 00:06:30,702
Excuse me?
167
00:06:30,787 --> 00:06:31,987
I don't like your tone.
168
00:06:32,055 --> 00:06:33,989
And I don't like
what you've turned into.
169
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,325
I'm not the one who forgot
our one-minute anniversary.
170
00:06:36,392 --> 00:06:38,293
Finally,
as the merger progresses,
171
00:06:38,361 --> 00:06:40,629
you'll notice some changes
to your benefits,
172
00:06:40,697 --> 00:06:43,398
including
new health care options.
173
00:06:43,466 --> 00:06:47,402
I'm sorry. That should read
"few health care options."
174
00:06:47,470 --> 00:06:49,721
[All grumbling]
I've got to redo this.
175
00:06:50,907 --> 00:06:52,307
You have to talk to Jack.
176
00:06:52,375 --> 00:06:53,976
I can't lose my dental.
177
00:06:54,043 --> 00:06:56,428
There's a hygienist there whose
boob sometimes touches my ear.
178
00:06:56,513 --> 00:06:58,647
Yeah, go upstairs and tell
your boyfriend to help us.
179
00:06:58,715 --> 00:07:00,549
Jack is not my boyfriend.
180
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,684
He is, dot-dot-dot,
181
00:07:02,752 --> 00:07:04,353
my husband.
182
00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:05,487
[All gasping]
183
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,122
On your wedding night,
did he take you
184
00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:08,290
in the French fashion?
185
00:07:08,358 --> 00:07:10,259
No, there was a mix-up
in St. Esclavage,
186
00:07:10,326 --> 00:07:12,127
and Jack and I
are technically married.
187
00:07:12,195 --> 00:07:13,328
Oh, my God.
[All gasping]
188
00:07:13,396 --> 00:07:14,997
Did you hear
what I asked you before?
189
00:07:15,064 --> 00:07:16,231
Liz, you should know
190
00:07:16,299 --> 00:07:18,300
that NBC has strict
antinepotism guidelines.
191
00:07:18,368 --> 00:07:20,102
If your husband is your boss,
192
00:07:20,170 --> 00:07:21,737
then you're both going
to have to come
193
00:07:21,804 --> 00:07:23,338
to my office and discuss this.
194
00:07:23,406 --> 00:07:24,773
What? No.
It's not real.
195
00:07:24,841 --> 00:07:27,109
- We're getting a divorce.
- That's what Ann Curry
196
00:07:27,177 --> 00:07:28,777
and Subhas the janitor
tried to tell me.
197
00:07:28,845 --> 00:07:31,313
That was five years ago.
198
00:07:31,381 --> 00:07:33,098
No, it's a mistake.
199
00:07:33,183 --> 00:07:35,083
We are signing something
tomorrow.
200
00:07:36,853 --> 00:07:39,021
Wait, Liz, we can use this.
201
00:07:39,088 --> 00:07:41,223
Jack needs a divorce.
You have leverage.
202
00:07:41,291 --> 00:07:42,524
What are you talking about?
203
00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,059
You don't sign
any divorce papers
204
00:07:44,110 --> 00:07:46,695
until we get the studio back,
our full budget,
205
00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:47,980
- our health insurance...
- Pete, I'm not...
206
00:07:48,064 --> 00:07:49,731
They shut down
your secret bathroom
207
00:07:49,799 --> 00:07:52,034
- to save on cleaning costs.
- I have to talk to my husband.
208
00:07:56,403 --> 00:07:57,738
No, no, Bob,
we made it very clear.
209
00:07:57,805 --> 00:08:00,540
You have to buy NBC
with everything else.
210
00:08:00,608 --> 00:08:04,378
Then just don't watch it.
211
00:08:04,445 --> 00:08:05,979
What is it, Lemon?
212
00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:08,281
I'm trying to negotiate
a $30 billion deal.
213
00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:10,117
That's billion with a "b."
214
00:08:10,184 --> 00:08:11,184
Is that right?
215
00:08:11,252 --> 00:08:13,220
That seems like way too much.
216
00:08:13,287 --> 00:08:15,088
Yeah, well, my staff and I
are also trying
217
00:08:15,156 --> 00:08:16,423
to do our jobs, but we can't
218
00:08:16,491 --> 00:08:18,358
without studio space
or health insurance
219
00:08:18,426 --> 00:08:20,494
or those vegetable chips
that I hate
220
00:08:20,561 --> 00:08:21,862
and I keep telling Kenneth
not to get.
221
00:08:21,929 --> 00:08:23,663
Let me show
you something, Lemon.
222
00:08:23,714 --> 00:08:27,100
This is
our NBC priority pie chart.
223
00:08:27,168 --> 00:08:28,769
The big red part you can see
is The Biggest Loser.
224
00:08:28,836 --> 00:08:31,204
The yellow slice,
our number-two priority,
225
00:08:31,272 --> 00:08:34,391
Make It 1997 Again
Through Science or Magic,
226
00:08:34,475 --> 00:08:35,909
and the little green part
is everything else.
227
00:08:35,977 --> 00:08:38,211
Request denied.
228
00:08:38,279 --> 00:08:41,114
No.
Request denial denied.
229
00:08:41,182 --> 00:08:43,283
You have to make TGS
a priority.
230
00:08:43,351 --> 00:08:46,720
Your show netted $600
last year.
231
00:08:46,788 --> 00:08:49,556
- Your parents had to buy an ad.
- I don't care.
232
00:08:49,624 --> 00:08:51,858
If I don't get what I deserve,
233
00:08:51,926 --> 00:08:54,528
I'm not signing
those divorce papers.
234
00:08:56,164 --> 00:08:59,933
Are you blackmailing me?
235
00:09:00,001 --> 00:09:01,585
You should think very carefully
236
00:09:01,669 --> 00:09:03,770
about what you're doing
right now.
237
00:09:03,838 --> 00:09:05,439
I am...
238
00:09:05,506 --> 00:09:06,640
Lots.
239
00:09:06,707 --> 00:09:08,041
Very well.
240
00:09:08,109 --> 00:09:09,910
We'll do this divorce
the hard way.
241
00:09:09,977 --> 00:09:11,511
But I'm warning you.
242
00:09:11,579 --> 00:09:13,146
This isn't
my first rodeo, Lemon.
243
00:09:13,214 --> 00:09:14,981
Well, I've been to a rodeo too.
244
00:09:15,049 --> 00:09:18,652
It was a cat rodeo
in a gay guy's apartment.
245
00:09:33,618 --> 00:09:35,368
Hey!
246
00:09:35,419 --> 00:09:37,604
What happened to my poster
of the Montreal Alouettes?
247
00:09:37,672 --> 00:09:39,122
It's signed by Marc Trestman.
248
00:09:39,207 --> 00:09:40,757
Oh, it's tacky, Danny,
249
00:09:40,842 --> 00:09:42,943
just like your mother's
stupid chain emails.
250
00:09:43,010 --> 00:09:45,312
Oh, here we go.
251
00:09:45,379 --> 00:09:47,347
Oh, my nails are wet!
252
00:09:49,383 --> 00:09:51,468
Mr. Hornberger...
253
00:09:51,552 --> 00:09:53,487
Do you and your wife
ever fight?
254
00:09:53,554 --> 00:09:55,055
Not all the time.
255
00:09:55,122 --> 00:09:57,791
After her hysterectomy,
she was in a coma briefly.
256
00:09:59,277 --> 00:10:00,727
How do y'all make up?
257
00:10:00,795 --> 00:10:04,798
Ah.
[Chuckles]
258
00:10:04,866 --> 00:10:07,801
Look, Paula and I love
each other,
259
00:10:07,869 --> 00:10:11,321
but two people living together,
it's unnatural.
260
00:10:11,405 --> 00:10:12,739
And while our children
261
00:10:12,790 --> 00:10:15,625
are basically snot silos
with bb guns,
262
00:10:15,710 --> 00:10:18,411
they do come in handy
as a buffer.
263
00:10:18,479 --> 00:10:20,146
Is that like being a fluffer?
264
00:10:20,214 --> 00:10:22,816
Because I have done that
and did not enjoy it.
265
00:10:22,884 --> 00:10:25,685
Blow-drying animals
at a pet salon is hard work.
266
00:10:25,753 --> 00:10:29,973
No, a buffer
is a protective barrier.
267
00:10:30,057 --> 00:10:33,176
Like pigs have around
their delicious testicle meat.
268
00:10:33,261 --> 00:10:35,095
We can't fight around the kids.
269
00:10:35,162 --> 00:10:37,197
You see them looking up at you
with their little faces,
270
00:10:37,265 --> 00:10:38,865
their hair already receding,
271
00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:41,268
and you bite your tongue.
272
00:10:41,335 --> 00:10:44,571
A buffer.
273
00:10:44,639 --> 00:10:47,040
What is it?
274
00:10:47,108 --> 00:10:49,309
Thanks, Jack, for coming
to this emergency meeting.
275
00:10:49,377 --> 00:10:50,694
I'm sorry I'm four hours late,
276
00:10:50,778 --> 00:10:52,312
but my alarm clock
didn't go off
277
00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:54,698
because it died
in a cockfight last night.
278
00:10:54,782 --> 00:10:56,750
Tracy, what can I do for you?
279
00:10:56,817 --> 00:10:59,719
Well, it's come to my
attention that I'm going to die.
280
00:10:59,787 --> 00:11:02,289
Oh, please, you have nothing
to worry about.
281
00:11:02,356 --> 00:11:04,558
We have Martin Lawrence
on a holding deal.
282
00:11:04,625 --> 00:11:07,661
Look, I don't want anything
to happen to my husband.
283
00:11:07,728 --> 00:11:10,530
But if it did,
we have a lot of expenses.
284
00:11:10,598 --> 00:11:12,332
Estate planning is complicated,
285
00:11:12,383 --> 00:11:13,850
what, with the government
taking half.
286
00:11:13,935 --> 00:11:15,001
What?
287
00:11:15,069 --> 00:11:17,604
That's double taxation.
288
00:11:17,672 --> 00:11:19,406
I like you, Angie.
289
00:11:19,473 --> 00:11:20,523
How can I help?
290
00:11:20,608 --> 00:11:22,842
Well, to maintain
our standard of living,
291
00:11:22,910 --> 00:11:25,712
I need to be able to earn
as much as Tracy does.
292
00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:27,347
And if you need to make
millions of dollars
293
00:11:27,415 --> 00:11:29,316
but have no real skills
or education,
294
00:11:29,383 --> 00:11:32,352
the best place to do it
is in entertainment.
295
00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:34,888
I mean, look at me.
[Laughter]
296
00:11:34,956 --> 00:11:38,725
I can't even find Mexico
on a map.
297
00:11:38,793 --> 00:11:40,727
Things are a little tight
at the company right now,
298
00:11:40,795 --> 00:11:43,296
but if you want to learn about
the entertainment business,
299
00:11:43,364 --> 00:11:44,898
I can find you something.
300
00:11:44,966 --> 00:11:47,667
Oh, yeah, I'm willing
to start at the bottom.
301
00:11:47,718 --> 00:11:49,302
There's only one thing
I won't do,
302
00:11:49,370 --> 00:11:51,504
and that's take orders
from anyone, ever.
303
00:11:55,476 --> 00:11:57,177
Hey, Angie, what are you doing?
304
00:11:57,244 --> 00:11:59,045
I'm sorry.
I'm not about to cancel
305
00:11:59,096 --> 00:12:01,431
my hair appointment with D'Fwan
because I'm your new intern.
306
00:12:01,515 --> 00:12:03,066
You need to light
some incense in here.
307
00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:05,452
Okay, hang on.
Who said you're my intern?
308
00:12:05,519 --> 00:12:07,654
It was Jack's idea.
I have to start a career.
309
00:12:07,721 --> 00:12:10,390
But I'm gonna need next week off
to go skiing.
310
00:12:10,458 --> 00:12:11,925
What?
311
00:12:11,993 --> 00:12:14,494
Okay, I see what this is.
Jack's messing with me.
312
00:12:14,561 --> 00:12:15,929
We're having a little fight,
313
00:12:15,997 --> 00:12:18,031
- so he sent you here...
- Excuse me.
314
00:12:18,082 --> 00:12:20,834
How is my being here
messing with you?
315
00:12:20,901 --> 00:12:23,169
Do you have a problem
with strong black women?
316
00:12:23,237 --> 00:12:24,371
No!
Don't you see?
317
00:12:24,422 --> 00:12:25,805
That's the kind of exchange
Jack wants.
318
00:12:25,873 --> 00:12:27,907
Angie, an intern's job
319
00:12:27,958 --> 00:12:31,461
is to do things like make copies
and run errands.
320
00:12:31,545 --> 00:12:33,296
So I'm like your servant?
321
00:12:33,381 --> 00:12:34,581
No, because
you're not being paid.
322
00:12:34,649 --> 00:12:36,650
You're really more like...
323
00:12:36,717 --> 00:12:37,917
Oh, boy.
324
00:12:37,985 --> 00:12:39,753
Look, Angie,
you don't want to be an intern.
325
00:12:39,820 --> 00:12:41,788
Don't tell me what I want.
326
00:12:41,856 --> 00:12:43,990
And I don't really have time
to mentor someone right now,
327
00:12:44,058 --> 00:12:45,792
so I don't think
this is a good idea.
328
00:12:45,860 --> 00:12:47,477
I don't understand.
329
00:12:47,561 --> 00:12:49,929
That white girl just fired you.
330
00:12:49,997 --> 00:12:51,398
Come on, D'Fwan,
331
00:12:51,465 --> 00:12:53,099
be a buddy.
332
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:56,736
[Loud tapping]
333
00:12:59,373 --> 00:13:00,607
Hey.
334
00:13:00,675 --> 00:13:03,626
Idiot, don't touch the...
335
00:13:03,711 --> 00:13:05,078
Nothing.
336
00:13:05,146 --> 00:13:07,213
Love you.
337
00:13:07,281 --> 00:13:08,715
[Smooching]
338
00:13:08,783 --> 00:13:11,718
Look,
I made this picture of us.
339
00:13:11,786 --> 00:13:13,053
Did you draw that?
340
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,156
You might need help.
That's awful for an adult.
341
00:13:16,223 --> 00:13:17,791
Well, I think
it's great, Kenneth.
342
00:13:17,858 --> 00:13:20,360
You should hang it on the wall.
343
00:13:24,265 --> 00:13:25,298
Careful!
344
00:13:25,349 --> 00:13:26,900
Don't coddle the boy.
345
00:13:26,967 --> 00:13:30,320
He can do it.
346
00:13:30,404 --> 00:13:31,838
All: Aah!
347
00:13:31,906 --> 00:13:34,074
Oh, my bones!
348
00:13:34,141 --> 00:13:36,276
- Now look what you did.
- You made him afraid.
349
00:13:36,343 --> 00:13:37,744
Oh, did I also make you
half a man?
350
00:13:37,812 --> 00:13:39,779
- You're ruining my life!
- What life?
351
00:13:39,847 --> 00:13:41,748
My bones.
352
00:13:41,816 --> 00:13:43,616
Lemon, why do I have
an appointment
353
00:13:43,684 --> 00:13:45,585
with Jeffrey Weinerslav
tomorrow morning?
354
00:13:45,653 --> 00:13:47,020
Every day
that I'm married to you,
355
00:13:47,088 --> 00:13:48,354
my life gets worse.
356
00:13:48,422 --> 00:13:50,090
That Angie thing
was real cute, Jack.
357
00:13:50,157 --> 00:13:51,758
And some of your plan worked.
358
00:13:51,826 --> 00:13:52,959
Yes, she hated me,
359
00:13:53,027 --> 00:13:55,295
and, yes, I mentioned slavery
by mistake.
360
00:13:55,362 --> 00:13:57,063
I knew I could count on you.
361
00:13:57,131 --> 00:13:59,199
But you also made me her boss,
so I fired her.
362
00:13:59,266 --> 00:14:01,101
She chased me around
for a while,
363
00:14:01,168 --> 00:14:03,403
so I hid in a closet
down on news,
364
00:14:03,471 --> 00:14:04,804
but then Subhas
and Ann Curry came in,
365
00:14:04,872 --> 00:14:06,106
just going to town on ea...
366
00:14:06,173 --> 00:14:09,109
- [gasps] Damn it!
- Is this a game for you two?
367
00:14:09,176 --> 00:14:11,361
I thought you were trying
to help my family.
368
00:14:11,445 --> 00:14:12,746
My family!
369
00:14:12,813 --> 00:14:14,814
I'm not a pawn.
370
00:14:14,882 --> 00:14:15,882
I am a queen.
371
00:14:15,950 --> 00:14:17,283
You all are trash.
372
00:14:17,351 --> 00:14:19,152
And you know what Angie Jordan
does with the trash?
373
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:21,721
She drags it out to the curb
for pickup.
374
00:14:21,789 --> 00:14:23,039
Angie, I did not mean...
375
00:14:23,124 --> 00:14:25,325
- I will rip your weave out.
- It's not a weave!
376
00:14:25,376 --> 00:14:26,726
- Oh, good God, Angie, no.
- Ow! She pulled my hair out.
377
00:14:26,794 --> 00:14:28,328
I should never have made you
an intern.
378
00:14:28,395 --> 00:14:30,430
- You're a star.
- That's right. I am.
379
00:14:30,498 --> 00:14:33,299
Entertainment
is where untalented people go
380
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:35,602
to get rich,
and you have all the makings
381
00:14:35,669 --> 00:14:37,103
of a reality superstar...
hair pullingness,
382
00:14:37,171 --> 00:14:38,505
delusions of grandeur,
383
00:14:38,556 --> 00:14:40,073
an insanely short fuse,
384
00:14:40,141 --> 00:14:42,308
- catchphrases...
- It's my way till payday.
385
00:14:42,376 --> 00:14:43,877
That's the t-shirt.
386
00:14:43,944 --> 00:14:47,247
I should give you
your own reality show,
387
00:14:47,314 --> 00:14:49,082
Friday nights...
388
00:14:49,150 --> 00:14:50,416
11:00.
389
00:14:50,484 --> 00:14:54,320
What? That is when TGS
or wrestling is on.
390
00:14:54,388 --> 00:14:55,922
I guess I could reconsider
the time slot
391
00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:57,924
in exchange for your signature.
392
00:14:57,992 --> 00:14:59,793
Ugh.
You know what?
393
00:14:59,860 --> 00:15:01,694
I'm calling your bluff.
394
00:15:01,762 --> 00:15:03,329
You're not giving her
a TV show.
395
00:15:03,397 --> 00:15:05,949
FYI, I am friends
with a hilarious fat girl
396
00:15:06,033 --> 00:15:07,801
and a crazy-eyed,
divorced white lady
397
00:15:07,868 --> 00:15:09,335
who wants to be
in the music business.
398
00:15:09,403 --> 00:15:10,537
Oh, I'd watch that.
399
00:15:10,604 --> 00:15:12,272
- Can D'Fwan be on it?
- Mm-hmm.
400
00:15:12,339 --> 00:15:13,773
With his even gayer boyfriend.
401
00:15:13,841 --> 00:15:15,124
Okay, fine.
402
00:15:15,209 --> 00:15:17,377
Give her her own show,
and I will watch it
403
00:15:17,444 --> 00:15:20,246
on our TV in our house, because
I'm not signing anything.
404
00:15:20,314 --> 00:15:22,882
This is not over.
405
00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:24,717
You think my meth-addict
nephew should be on the show?
406
00:15:24,785 --> 00:15:26,786
Yes, please!
407
00:15:29,622 --> 00:15:32,239
Pete,
you and Paula fight a lot.
408
00:15:32,350 --> 00:15:33,750
No, I-I walked
into a door.
409
00:15:33,775 --> 00:15:34,792
I'm so clumsy.
410
00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:36,961
Jack is using TGS
411
00:15:37,028 --> 00:15:39,363
as leverage in our divorce.
412
00:15:39,414 --> 00:15:42,066
He says he's gonna replace us
with a reality show about Angie.
413
00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:44,168
- Oh, I'd watch that.
- Obviously.
414
00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:45,402
But how do I fight back?
415
00:15:45,470 --> 00:15:46,737
Well, first off,
you can't back down.
416
00:15:46,805 --> 00:15:48,138
If you do that, we get nothing.
417
00:15:48,206 --> 00:15:49,773
I agreed
to go to a furniture store
418
00:15:49,841 --> 00:15:51,575
instead of watching football
one time,
419
00:15:51,643 --> 00:15:53,210
and I haven't seen
a game since.
420
00:15:53,278 --> 00:15:55,579
Oh, I hear ya.
I mean, take Danny...
421
00:15:55,647 --> 00:15:58,132
Please.
422
00:15:58,216 --> 00:16:00,651
Then you got to hit them
where it hurts.
423
00:16:00,719 --> 00:16:03,187
Find their weakness
and viciously exploit it.
424
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:04,388
That's what marriage is.
425
00:16:04,456 --> 00:16:08,125
Don't even get me started
on marriage.
426
00:16:08,193 --> 00:16:10,194
Thank you.
427
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:15,666
Kenneth, your Danny
has something to tell you.
428
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:17,668
What is it, Danny?
429
00:16:17,736 --> 00:16:21,138
Well, sport,
I'm gonna be moving out.
430
00:16:21,206 --> 00:16:23,540
I don't understand.
431
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,943
Well, sometimes two people
who care about each other
432
00:16:26,011 --> 00:16:27,578
just can't live together.
433
00:16:27,646 --> 00:16:29,413
Oh, no, I get that.
434
00:16:29,481 --> 00:16:32,349
What I don't get is this
is Danny's dressing room.
435
00:16:32,417 --> 00:16:34,151
I'm gonna be staying
at the "y."
436
00:16:34,219 --> 00:16:35,619
It's that dark place
under the bleachers
437
00:16:35,687 --> 00:16:36,754
that's shaped like a wishbone.
438
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:39,223
But you're my Danny and Jenna.
439
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,725
And we'll always be
Danny and Jenna.
440
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:43,994
We just won't be
Danny and Jenna together.
441
00:16:44,062 --> 00:16:45,429
And don't think
442
00:16:45,497 --> 00:16:48,766
for one second this means
we love you less.
443
00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:51,835
Know that it means that.
444
00:16:53,271 --> 00:16:54,905
Well, tell the board
445
00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:56,507
we are currently in talks...
[Beep]
446
00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:58,575
Hold on, please.
447
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:01,078
Jonathan, I have asked you not
to call me at home
448
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,279
after 11:00...
449
00:17:02,347 --> 00:17:05,249
Or before.
450
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:07,184
She what?
451
00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,754
[New England accent]
My husband and I
452
00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:14,558
are absolutely so pleased
to be underwriting
453
00:17:14,626 --> 00:17:18,846
the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy
High School for Teen Drama,
454
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:21,265
the Arts, and Feelings.
455
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:24,101
- Son of a bitch.
- As embarrassed Americans,
456
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:28,439
Jack and I pledge $5 million
457
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:30,157
to create a new generation
458
00:17:30,225 --> 00:17:33,110
of choreographers
and puppeteers,
459
00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:36,113
clunes, video artists,
460
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,148
and theatrical jugglers
461
00:17:38,216 --> 00:17:42,152
who will ask the world,
"what is art?"
462
00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:44,221
We know what art is.
463
00:17:44,289 --> 00:17:47,191
It's paintings of horses!
464
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,711
Good morning.
465
00:17:50,795 --> 00:17:53,063
How is the happy couple today?
466
00:17:53,131 --> 00:17:55,966
Well, it's no surprise
we're sitting here.
467
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,601
You two have always thrown off
468
00:17:57,669 --> 00:17:59,636
that "will they or won't they?" vibe.
469
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,473
And it's been a real hoot
to watch your courtship.
470
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,341
Okeydokey.
471
00:18:04,409 --> 00:18:06,310
Now, when two employees
get married,
472
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:09,079
it is my job to make sure
that the employee
473
00:18:09,147 --> 00:18:12,483
is not receiving favoritism
from his or her boss.
474
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:15,185
Favoritism? Really?
He's trying to cancel my show.
475
00:18:15,253 --> 00:18:17,254
Uh-huh, and what about your
little announcement last night?
476
00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:18,422
Do you know how many fires
477
00:18:18,490 --> 00:18:20,491
I had to put out this morning
because of you?
478
00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,259
And what was that voice?
479
00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:24,595
It is my imitation
of Drew Barrymore's impression
480
00:18:24,662 --> 00:18:25,696
of that crazy lady.
481
00:18:25,764 --> 00:18:27,164
Let's keep this meeting short.
482
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,768
Our marriage is a technicality,
and it will be remedied.
483
00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:32,236
Also, in order
for there to be favoritism,
484
00:18:32,303 --> 00:18:34,872
we'd have
to actually still be friends.
485
00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:37,608
All righty.
Let's just dive on in.
486
00:18:37,675 --> 00:18:40,878
Does the employee spend
an inordinate amount of time
487
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:44,214
in the employer's office
compared to other employees?
488
00:18:44,282 --> 00:18:45,382
Well, yes, I suppose,
489
00:18:45,450 --> 00:18:47,217
but only because Miss Lemon
is incapable
490
00:18:47,285 --> 00:18:49,153
of doing anything on her own.
491
00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:50,954
Oh, please, half the time
when I go up there,
492
00:18:51,022 --> 00:18:53,390
it's to help you choose a tie,
and they're all red or blue.
493
00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:54,825
Where I come from,
494
00:18:54,893 --> 00:18:56,360
if you have
more than two colors on a tie,
495
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:59,396
it means you're looking
for a certain kind of bar.
496
00:18:59,464 --> 00:19:02,232
Are all workday conversations
business-related,
497
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:06,003
or do personal issues
often dominate discussion,
498
00:19:06,071 --> 00:19:10,007
including but not limited to,
mothers, diarrhea,
499
00:19:10,075 --> 00:19:11,975
having babies,
500
00:19:12,043 --> 00:19:14,178
problems in the bedroom,
neckties,
501
00:19:14,245 --> 00:19:15,646
food issues,
502
00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:17,081
foot disorders,
503
00:19:17,148 --> 00:19:19,416
- having it all...
- Okay.
504
00:19:19,484 --> 00:19:22,186
Yes. In the past,
we have advised each other.
505
00:19:22,253 --> 00:19:25,422
For instance, Jack taught me
not to wear tan slacks
506
00:19:25,490 --> 00:19:26,757
with a tan turtleneck.
507
00:19:26,825 --> 00:19:28,926
I thought it looked nice,
but he rightly pointed out
508
00:19:28,977 --> 00:19:30,894
that it made me
look like a giant condom.
509
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,729
And Lemon is the only one
510
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,998
of my subordinates
who's not afraid to warn me
511
00:19:35,066 --> 00:19:38,068
when I'm being
too authoritative or handsome.
512
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,437
Or when you have eye boogers.
513
00:19:40,505 --> 00:19:42,606
Have you spent time
with each other's families?
514
00:19:42,674 --> 00:19:44,708
Have you attended
special events together,
515
00:19:44,776 --> 00:19:46,710
such as class reunions,
516
00:19:46,778 --> 00:19:49,413
birthday
or holiday celebrations,
517
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,747
weddings,
518
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,583
or extended car trips?
519
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,185
Are you each other's
emergency contacts?
520
00:19:55,253 --> 00:19:57,621
Do you ever drink together
at work,
521
00:19:57,689 --> 00:19:59,957
perhaps while summarizing
what you've learned
522
00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:01,925
over the day or week?
523
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,660
Have you shared
intimate details
524
00:20:03,728 --> 00:20:05,629
of your fears, hopes,
and dreams,
525
00:20:05,697 --> 00:20:08,232
both personal and professional?
526
00:20:08,299 --> 00:20:12,402
Is this the longest and perhaps
most meaningful relationship
527
00:20:12,470 --> 00:20:14,071
in your life?
528
00:20:14,139 --> 00:20:16,807
Do you often find yourselves
thinking the same thing
529
00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:19,910
and then saying it
at the exact same time?
530
00:20:19,978 --> 00:20:21,912
- I apologize, Lemon.
- I'm sorry, Jack.
531
00:20:21,980 --> 00:20:23,647
I never should have tried
to blackmail you.
532
00:20:23,715 --> 00:20:24,982
I'll sign the papers.
533
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:26,383
And I shouldn't have
threatened your show.
534
00:20:26,451 --> 00:20:27,784
I'll leave that
to the parental decency groups.
535
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,953
And I'll back off on the budget
536
00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:31,288
and the bat mitzvahs.
537
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,290
Okay.
538
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:36,093
Now we're gonna do
word association.
539
00:20:36,161 --> 00:20:37,427
Foreplay...
540
00:20:37,495 --> 00:20:39,530
We're done, Weinerslav.
541
00:20:40,798 --> 00:20:42,699
Uh, try to walk
like a woman, Lemon.
542
00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:45,469
Your fly's open, Jack.
543
00:20:48,416 --> 00:20:49,613
I'm Angie.
544
00:20:49,650 --> 00:20:51,922
I think elegance and attitude
are the same thing.
545
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,035
And I have IBS.
546
00:20:56,539 --> 00:20:59,412
I'm D'Fwan and I just want to be
accepted for who I am:
547
00:20:59,532 --> 00:21:00,877
a sexual maniac.
548
00:21:00,997 --> 00:21:03,623
And I'm Portia. I don't care
what anyone says.
549
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:05,590
I keep the 3D glasses.
550
00:21:05,710 --> 00:21:07,389
I'm Randi, with an "i".
551
00:21:07,458 --> 00:21:11,600
My ex-husband's new girlfriend
is cheating on him...With me.
552
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:14,247
Do you have any meth?
Or meth?
553
00:21:15,997 --> 00:21:18,306
It's my way till payday.
554
00:21:18,356 --> 00:21:22,906
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