All language subtitles for SurrealEstate S02E04 US

Previously on SurrealEstate...

Thank you for making my world
so much bigger.

Hey! Luke.

I got my license today.

- Well, that’s great!
- Congratulations.

House, unlock the door!

House!

Luke, if you could still do
what you used to do,

we wouldn’t be here.

I’m always telling you to find
a better work-life balance.

- This isn’t about balance.
- This is about

getting out of here
and reassessing my life.

- You have to relax.
- I’m just taking the shortcut.

Nah, it’s perfectly fine.

The biggest thing in these woods
is a raccoon.

There’s no bears or wolves.

No, all the chainsaw murderers
are still at camp.

What’re you even...
Hang on.

Nothing.

Look, I’ll be home in ten or so.
Okay, bye.

Hello?

Mm...

House, call the condescending,
unappreciative jerk.

Calling Luke Roman.

- Don’t pick up.
- Voicemail, voicemail, voicemail.

- You’ve reached Luke Roman.
- I’m sorry I missed your call.

Please leave a message.

- Luke! Oh, darn.
- I was hoping to talk to you.

I just wanted to let you know
that I’m going to need

a few more days
away from the office.

I’ll be sending you
the contracts

on Bouvier, Santos
and Padgett.

They’re easy closings,
clean titles, approved loans,

you won’t have any problems.

The Dunn-Herberts
are doing their usual dance.

It’s probably a good
teaching moment for Zooey.

I’m dealing with some
personal business,

so I’m not sure
when I’ll be back in the office,

but seeing as
nothing ever changes

at the perfect Roman Agency,

I’m sure you have everything
well in hand.

Toodles.

Hm.

The "toodles" was a bit much.

- It was a nice touch.
- Cordial, yet dismissive.

Yeah. That’s what
I was going for.

Would you like some tea?

Yes.

Yes, I would.

Toodles?

It’s a hell of a house.

Yeah, built in 1893,
historic, solid.

- Can’t wait to bulldoze it.
- Well, you need to buy it first.

It’s only polite.

As you can see,
the property line starts here.

The creek is on your side.
Plenty of room to...

- What’s that?
- Well, that is the lot

next to yours. It’s just
a small place, barely a cottage.

- How much?
- I...

I don’t know
if it’s listed for sale.

If I own that lot,

I don’t need to worry about
the easements.

I could build the pool area
over here

and put the tennis court
over here.

And the guest house
could be way over here,

so I’d hardly ever
need to interact

with visiting relatives.

I don’t even know
if you’d see them.

Oh, yeah!

We’ll reach out
and get a price.

Don’t worry
about the price. Buy it.

Maybe we should close
on this property first,

you know,
get the ball rolling.

We’re going to do
both deals at once.

I could never enjoy this lot

knowing that
I can’t have that lot.

That’s just me.

All or nothing.

I’m gonna call my architect.

The house and underlying dirt

are owned by
an offshore holding company.

The only point of contact
is a law firm in Budapest.

Swell.

I reached out
and left a message.

Yeah, we’re not
liking the odds

that we’re going to hear back
anytime soon.

So, we have one sale
contingent on two properties.

This cabin in the woods
is creating more drama than the

- million dollar property.
- Mm-hm. Life is funny.

You know, I could have sworn
there was something

in that house,
watching me.

You think maybe
it was your, um...

your mojo coming back?

Ah! Maybe it’s growing back,
like a starfish leg.

- No.
- Just old-fashioned paranoia.

You all set for today?

- Mm-hm.
- What’s today?

I am taking my first couple
to look at houses.

Susan’s taking her personal days
and I am covering.

- Aw. Who’s the victim?
- I mean, who’s the client?

Aw, who’s the victim.

The Dunn-Herberts.
Lara and Freya.

What?

The Dunn-Herberts
are our locally sourced

organic vegan lookie-loos.

They shop,

they kvetch
and they never buy.

Have fun.

Great.

Oh, my God.
You did not do them justice.

This is like an Oscar Wilde play
about mistaken identity.

They’re pretending
to shop for a house

and I’m pretending this isn’t
a complete waste of my time.

- Well, Susan felt the same way.
- When?

- Did you talk to her?
- Naw,

this was the last time
Lara and Freya

took her for a spin.

Don’t you think maybe
you should check in?

With Susan?

I’ll see her at the charity
bowling thing this weekend.

Oh, right?

That’s, like,
mandatory, right?

- You’re an agent now.
- It’s part of the deal.

Yeah, just testing the fence
for weak spots.

Like a velociraptor.

Anything back from
the lawyers in Budapest?

- It’s been, like, half a day.
- I don’t want to be a ’pesht’.

Oh, I see what you did there.

I kill me.

Oops. I gotta go
be a receptionist.

Bye.

So...

how much do we love it?

May I help you?

"Please call me.

You’re about to
win the lottery."

Oh!

You are the
cabin in the woods!

I live in the house
in the woods.

And I don’t
play the lottery.

I was being
a little clever.

Very little.

Could we, uh,
go in here and talk?

Now, why would we do that?

Well, if you leave,
you’ll never know.

- This all looks so...
- science-y.

Hm. Vic Tandy,

a British engineer with an
interest in the occult,

experimented with infrasound,
or low frequency sound.

Less than 20hz.
18.5 to be exact.

Some called it
the spirit frequency.

How’s it work?

Well, he theorized that sending
vibrations out at that frequency

might start a dialogue with...

God knows what.

So, this disk can be used
like a cochlear implant:

if something extra-normal
reaches out

it should vibrate
your cochlear nerve.

And start a dialogue.

So, if Luke wears this thing,

he’ll have his
Luke tingle back?

Well, I’m not certain

that it will enable him
to communicate verbally,

but it should enable
a certain... intuition.

- Mm.
- The sense of a presence.

Can we agree
to never use the term

"Luke tingle" again?

Yeah, let’s. Mind if I
take it for a test drive?

Be my guest.

Kinda tingly.

Ow! Damn!

- Wait, what’s wrong?
- Oh!

It went batshit crazy,
like an explosion of noises.

Really?

Ohh!

Oh, whoa.

So, that is what
we are looking at.

Hm.

Your running dog
capitalist lackey

wants to buy my idyllic cottage
in the pastoral woods

and tear it down
for his tennis courts.

Well, don’t forget about
the pool and the guest house.

Yes. His desire to avoid
his relatives is so far

the only endearing
thing about him.

Um, so, uh...

what do you say?

No.

Kay. Kay?

Kay.

I’m going to go way out here
on a limb ethically

and confide in you that
my client has way more

money than sense. He will
overpay for your property

to an alarming degree.

Oh.

Lucky, lucky me.

You didn’t have to come here.

All I did was drop off
a not-so-clever business card.

You could have let it go,
but you didn’t.

Fair enough.

Well, we could
talk about this over...

I don’t know...
dinner?

- I do have to eat.
- Occasionally.

- How about tonight? I could...
- I have plans tonight.

Tomorrow?

My nights are full and rich,

so I like to eat early.

Maybe Friday?

Pick me up at my priceless house
around seven.

Okay.

- Hm.
- Who was that?

Luke?

Oh, just a homeowner.

I think
you need to watch her.

Closely.

That’s my plan.

I think
you’re being a hamster.

Just because
I won’t lie for you?

- It’s hardly even a lie!
- If my mom calls,

just tell her
I’m staying with you that night!

I’ve stayed at your place
lots of times!

And what if she
wants to speak to you?

- Then tell her I’m...
- I’m in the shower!

Or I’m out by the pool
giving cardiac massage

to a drowning nun!

Dude, work with me!

If my parents find out,
there’s gonna be trouble.

They already don’t like...

Bruno?

Bruno?

Come on, Bru,
quit screwing around!

Very funny.
C’mon, let’s...

Bruno!

- Well, she said no.
- But in real estate,

"no" is where we start
not where we end.

I’m sure that looks great
on a motivational poster

but it only pisses me off.

Listen, I’m having dinner

with the homeowner
on Friday night, so...

Well, that’s great, Luke.

Take her out to dinner,
order some wine.

Hell, sleep with her
if you have to,

but get me
that property.

I’ll do my best.

...and the recent disappearance

to a tragic incident
two and half years ago

when the bodies of four teens
were found

completely drained of blood.

Police sources have neither...

Ladies!

Hi!

- Tantalize me, Zooey.
- What are we going to see today?

Tantalize me, Freya.

Is there a world in which
you two actually buy something?

You do know
that real estate agents

only make money
off of sales

and wasting an agent’s time
if you have

zero intention of buying
is the moral equivalent of...

I don’t know...
robbing a liquor store?

- I hope we find something...
- perfect.

Something to die for.

I hope we fall in love
at first sight.

I hope we find something
so perfect

that my checkbook
leaps out of my purse

and writes
an earnest money deposit

before I can stop it!

But probably not.

No.

It’s okay.

Miranda, our client
is willing to drop 15 grand

off the price
to repair the roof

but there’s nothing wrong
with the floors.

Of course!

And your people are welcome to
carpet over it when it’s theirs!

It’s unreasonable to expect us
to pay for them.

No, no, no, no, no.
Those maple floors are gorgeous.

Carpeting over them
would be an act of vandalism.

We’re not going to subsidize
their bad choices.

Tell them about the 15 grand
for the roof and then

tell them horror stories
about dust mites and mold.

Scare their children
and then call me back.

Okay, bye.

When there was only one set
of footprints in the carpet,

that’s when
you were carrying me.

What’s up?

Tell me about that client
who was in yesterday.

- Not really a client.
- She owns one of the properties

Erik Toft wants to buy.

- What do you know about her?
- Not much.

Kay Bozer.
She got an edge to her.

No bullshit.

Kind of refreshing.

When she was in the office,
she...

affected
one of my devices.

What do you mean?

It operates
at a certain frequency

that is sensitive
to certain phenomena.

It could be a coincidence,
but...

the device operated properly
again the moment she left.

Will you be, uh,
seeing the lady again?

We’re having dinner Friday,
as a matter of fact.

Kinda hit it off.

So it’s, uh...

not an insidious plan
to get her to sell?

No, my insidious plan
was to have a nice dinner

with an interesting lady.

My first since Megan,
in fact.

Would you, uh, be open
to trying a sort of experiment?

This device
is really quite subtle.

You wear it behind your ear.

- She won’t even see that...
- I don’t think so...

Luke, it’s science.

No! It’s a dinner date
with a nice lady.

A nice lady

who might just vibrate
at 18.5 hertz.

Let me see it.

See? No big thing.

I don’t know. Feels creepy
wearing a

metaphysical nicotine patch
on our first date.

Science is often creepy.

But, if it isn’t activated,
she’ll never know.

- And if it is?
- Run away.

Run like hell.

As fast as you can.

Ah! You’re back.

Oh-ho.

They are killing me,
Augie.

Not only are they draining me
of my will to sell real estate,

they are draining me
of my will to live.

- You should talk to Luke.
- Just, uh, not right now.

Why?

It seems that, uh,
one of Susan’s clients

is involved in a transaction
with one of Rita’s clients

and Rita is unhappy about
Susan’s extended sabbatical.

America’s
real estate sweetheart.

So, what else is happening
in the real world?

Well, let’s see...

Uh, Luke is still trying
to close the Toft deals.

He has developed a
post-professional interest

in the woman who owns
the adjacent property.

My spirit frequency
device was...

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Did you just say
post-professional?

He’s hot for her?

Your words,
not mine.

Oh, my God! That’ll teach me
to leave the office, like, ever!

Who is she?
What is she like?

We haven’t met.

But she, uh...

set off my device.

Apparently
she did the same for Luke.

So, Luke tells me
you’re a licensed agent now.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Hm.

You know,
I always liked you, Zooey.

You strike me
as an oasis of pragmatism

in a place
obsessed with fantasy,

like the last
personal injury attorney in a

hastily assembled
amusement park.

May I give you
a piece of advice?

I guess so.

Always give the client

what they need.

Not what they want.

Yeah? Hm.

Do you know
what I used to be?

I got my masters
in philosophy.

Oh, yes.
I focused on Kierkegaard.

The aesthetic, the ethical
and the religious.

Well, you can imagine how

gracefully that interacted
with a career in real estate.

Zero sales.

- So, what did you do?
- So I shifted gears.

I focused on the primacy
of the individual

and of individual concerns
above any abstract reality

or grand metaphysical system.

Still couldn’t sell a salmon
to a grizzly bear.

This is all great stuff,

but what am I supposed to do
with any of it?

I realized that I was vastly
overthinking the whole thing

and that my clients were
ignorant doorknobs

incapable of articulating
their own desires.

So, I looked at
their lifestyles

and I showed them
corresponding inventory.

I focused on
what they deeply needed,

not what they said they wanted

because seldom are they
the same thing.

- Preach!
- Mm.

The moment I fully embraced
my intellectual authority

and saw my clients

as the low-level primates
that they are

my business tripled overnight.

I was able to pay off
my student loans,

buy a Cadillac Escalade...

and divorce my husband.

So sad.

Yet inspiring.

Well, that’s the big secret.

You are smarter
than your clients.

I totally am!

Oh, you might want to pass it
along to Captain Goodhair.

He still seems to think that
clients deserve our respect.

That’s adorable.

Oh.

Still crazy.

How’d it go?

Well, he took the device.

We’ll see
if he actually deploys it.

There is something
creepy about it,

- you know?
- Yeah.

On the subject of creepy,
you know those missing kids?

Yeah, I’ve heard
something about them.

Something rings a bell.

Hey! Are you okay?

What’s the matter?

Hey!

You shouldn’t be here.

This is where those...

Ladies, how was your day?

’Cause it’s about to get
a whole lot better.

So, there are two houses
left on the list

Susan made up for you.

We’re coming up
to the first one...

and...

- we’re driving away!
- What?!

- It’s not right.
- Tiny rooms, no natural lighting

and the raccoons in the yard?
Yeah, they’re not

the helpful Disney kind.
They’ll cut a bitch.

- I still wouldn’t mind...
- Nah, you hate it already.

So, moving on to
bachelorette number two.

Here she comes, and...

- there she goes.
- Wait! Slow down.

Bye!

Two bedrooms, two baths,

fully finished basement
and a home office.

All the stuff you wanted
and none of the shit you need.

Zooey, can’t we just...?

Price is on the high side
of your range.

Add in the HOA fees and to
make PITI you’re gonna need

a bake sale every month, which
is going to be impossible. Why?

Because your kitchen
is too frickin’ small!

So, that’s it
for Susan’s houses.

Now it’s time for me
to rock your world.

Right on time.

Hi.

Look.

It’s a blood moon tonight.

Pardon me?

A blood moon.

The direct sunlight on earth
passes through the atmosphere

and is projected
onto the moon;

makes it all red
and spooky.

Hasn’t happened
for two and a half years.

So this is
a special night.

Very.

I like your eyes.

No, I do.

They’ve seen a lot.

Most men your age...
our age...

still have the eyes
of adolescent boys.

Too many Saturday open houses
will do that to a person.

So, you’re not
seeing anyone?

Nobody special.

You?

Mm-mm.

Well, that’s
about to change.

You’re somebody special?

You have no idea.

- So, here we are.
- The steak tartare.

And the roasted Cornish hen
for the gentleman.

Anything else?

Anything at all?

Please?

- We’re good.
- Thanks.

Everything looks delicious.

You look delicious.

Ta-da!

Two bedrooms; two baths;
gorgeous sunroom.

All living space on one level,
no finished basement.

Finished basement
was on the list.

- You don’t need one.
- There’s tons of storage.

Just picture yourself
in the space.

Your couch, your photos
on the wall,

your favorite meal cooking
in the fully functional,

spacious kitchen.

Just picture the house
for what it could be

with your undies
in the drawer.

Is the neighborhood safe?

- Of course.
- You need to be safe.

You need to be happy.
You need sunshine.

But most of all, you need
to come home every night

and close the door
against the world

in a house
that loves you back.

We can afford
something fancier.

This point in your lives,
you don’t need to be house poor.

You need to be life rich.

I mean, with this house
you can still afford fancy wines

and concert tickets;

vacations somewhere warm and
impractical anniversary gifts.

And all in a place
that feels like home.

I do kinda love it.

It’s such a big decision.

Hey, I can only find you the
house you were born to live in.

Can’t give you
the cojones to buy it.

Well, and the place has been
in my family for generations.

It’s just simpler

to keep the title
with the firm in Budapest.

You know,
tax purposes and all.

And just like that
we’re back to talking business.

Okay.

Let’s stop fighting it.

Let’s give in.

Well, I’m not going to give you
a hard sell here.

What a relief.

I bet you can be
terribly persuasive.

To the point
of irresistibility.

I’m just going to
tell you one thing:

You will never get
nearly as much

as my client is willing to pay
for your property right now.

Ever.

Ooh.

Never.

That’s such a long time.

Long...

time.

Hey, Luke. So, I’ve got

good news
and bad news.

Uh, good news
is that the Dunn-Herberts

are no longer lookie-loos...

they’re buyers!

Bad news is, uh...

Yeah. It’s a Rita Weiss listing.

Hope we can still be friends!
’Kay, bye!

Ooh.

August!

So, I’ve been reading up
on Hungarian legends.

Ah. The Budapest lawyer.

Exactly. What’s her name?

The-the lady that Luke’s
going out with?

Bozer. Kay Bozer.

Look at this.

Mm. Lovely.

This is a Hungarian witch.

Legend has it
that she has the power to fly,

or to transform herself
into a girl or woman of any age.

Men and boys
are helpless against her.

Men and boys.

Yeah, I’ve seen that legend
in several cultures.

But the thing is,
she can only survive

by soaking in the blood
of a living male

in the light
of a blood moon.

The blood moon recharges her
until the next one comes along.

- Oh, dear.
- Those missing teenagers.

- Tonight is a blood moon.
- The first in years.

We need to warn Luke.

Guess what they call her
in Hungary?

Boszorkány.

Bozer.

Close enough.

They really shouldn’t play
Walking On Sunshine

when you’re on hold
with 9-1-1.

Try Luke again.

Come in for a nightcap.

I’d love to.

It’s Kékfrankos .

From Hungary.

Mm.

Spicy.

You have no idea.

You know,

I’m very choosy
about men, Luke.

Boys, on the other hand.

On the other hand.

Boys are a dime a dozen.

Dime a dozen.

Boys are like wine

that just went into
the barrel.

Just went into
the barrel.

They haven’t become complex...

complex, or interesting.

They’re just
an amalgam of chemicals...

Hormones...

testosterone.

Boys are only good
for two things:

Keeping me young...

and becoming men
like you.

Come.

You know breaking and entering
is a crime.

- Heavens, yes!
- A very serious crime.

Glad that’s
on your radar.

Luke!?

- Luke?
- Hm...

She needs the moonlight.

Block the moonlight

- Auggie! Snap out of it.
- Luke! Help Luke!

I’m waiting for you.

Keep waiting, Boszorkány.

Let’s get you out of here.

Where am I?

What’s-what’s going on?

Oh.

Yeah.

I gotta be honest,
big guy...

she’s kinda old for you.

Redheads.

Foot spray, spilt beer.

Smells like...

victory.

Uh, let me know
when Susan gets here.

- Ha-ha, hi.
- There she is!

My only very slightly younger

but not even a little
more attractive sister.

- Uh-huh.
- Get her a drink!

I will tell you
when to stop pouring.

Thank you.

Um...

Uh, what is this?

White wine shandy.

We add
elderflower liqueur to it.

It’s the official drink
of the "Listed Sisters"!

It’s our organized group

of powerful female
real estate agents

that aren’t at all sad,
or trying too hard.

- Sign me up.
- Ah.

- Zooey, I love your nails!
- Where do you get them done?

- I, uh...
- do them myself. Um...

I’ve always wanted
to get my helix pierced

but I’m too scared.

- Ladies, ladies, relax.
- You’ll all have

your "Zooey time."

After all,
she’s one of us.

One of us. One of us. One of us.

One of us.

One of us.

One of us.
One of us.

One of us. One of us.

- No!
- Nooooo!

Huh.

Oh-ho-ho...

Luke.

Greg.

- Nice to see you again.
- You as well.

Wah, wah.

Anywho...

- Are you okay?
- You get my messages?

- I did! That’s great!
- You took a client

that I never thought
would amount to anything

and you sold ’em a house!

- A Rita house.
- A Rita house

that we’re still going to make
half commission on!

From zero to payday.
I am so proud of you.

And all it cost
was my soul.

It is a sale that us grownups
make every day.

You did good.

Oh, and hey...

you are going to love this.

I told Erik Toft that
the property he wanted to buy

was the site of horrific murders
and bloodletting.

Full disclosure,
you know.

And guess what he says...

No.

He says
an ITF regulation tennis court

is the only proper way
to honor their memory.

So that sale
is gonna happen, too.

- Wow.
- Oh.

- Life is funny.
- You got that right.

You seen Susan?

This is her event!

Uh...

No, actually.

I have to go.

I planned the event.
People are counting on me.

I’ve enjoyed having you here
these past few days.

We’ve bonded.

Unlock the door!

Shut down security system.

We’ve bonded, Susan.

- Unlock the door!
- Don’t go.

House! Shut down...

House! Let me out!