All language subtitles for Pete Holmes I Am Not For Everyone [2023] [1080p] eng

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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Hello!

- Hello!
- [cheering and applause continue]

Thank you.

Thank you guys so much.

Minneapolis!

Look at you.

Thank you.

Wonderful. I'm so happy to be here.

Hello, hello, hi.

[audience chuckles]

Happy New Year.

[audience laughing]

I know what month it is.

[audience laughing]

I know that's a confusing thing to hear
outside of January,

but I love saying "Happy New Year."

I go year-round.

I bring my Happy New Years year-round,
'cause everybody loves it.

Happy New Year.

Just feels good to say.

Doesn't matter where you're from,
your religion, your country.

Everybody celebrates it.

It's not like "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas" can go either way,
and I hate to offend people.

So this whole last holiday season,
I didn't let out one "Merry Christmas."

That's true.

Instead, I said, "May the birth
of the one and only true God..."

[audience laughing]

"...Jesus Christ,

bestow a blessing of grace and peace
upon your household...

to the belittlement
of every other false religion...

lest you be gay."

That's what I say.

[audience laughing]

Oh, Minneapolis, thank you
for laughing at that in the correct way.

- [audience cheering]
- Yes. Irony.

I've done that joke in the Deep South.
Different vibe.

[audience laughing]

There's no humor.
They're just like, "Fuck yeah!"

"Somebody said it!"

"Lest you be gay!"
I'm like, "No, no, no. No, no, no."

I don't like New Years.
Anyone else? I won't make fun of you.

- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.

You know, I could tell
by the cologne content of the room

that this wasn't a big New Years crowd.

It's a huge holiday
for the cologne community.

I don't care for it.

It's a jacked-up, wraparound-Oakleys,
dumb-fuck holiday, and it sucks.

I hate it.

What are we doing out there,
cuddled up in the cold, like, "Ten! Nine!"

Just watching the odometer on
the truck of the Earth roll over to zero.

You know it's been a year
since it was today too, right?

[audience laughing]

It's been exactly one year
since it was today. Nobody's excited.

They're just like, "No, only January 1.
That's the only one that excites me."

"Something about one and one
next to each other gets me rock hard."

"Yeah!"

And, like, whenever I see us out there
being like, "Five! Four!"

I'm like, we deserve everything
the shadow government is doing to us.

[audience laughing]

We deserve all their tricks.

We deserve chem trails,
fluoride in the water, rigged elections...

'Cause we're "ten, nine, eight" people.

And they know that.

That's probably why they know
they can get away with it.

They're probably up there right now,
scheming in their weird castle,

just like, "Do you think we could spy
on them using their very own cell phones?"

And then another
weird Nosferatu guy is like,

"No, no. That's a bridge too far."

"Even for us, that crosses a line."

Then they turn on the TV on New Years,
and we're like, "Three! Two!"

They're like, "We could do it
and tell them we're doing it,

and they still won't revolt."

[audience laughing]

Speaking of which, listen to this.
I wanna buy a dildo!

Listen... I-- shush. I wanna buy-- shush.

I wanna buy a dildo. I have money-- shush.

I have money-- shush.

And I want to buy
a 24-inch jelly-- shush-- sparkly dildo.

I want to buy one.
I have money, and I have cash.

I want to buy a sparkly, 24-- shush.

Twenty-four-inch, butt-only jelly dildo.

Listen, I want to buy a dildo.
I want to buy one!

I want to buy a dil-- shush!

I want to buy a dildo!

[audience tittering]

Enjoy those Instagram ads,
everybody, enjoy them.

[raucous laughter]

- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.

[man] Yeah!

For the next ten days, you're gonna
be scrolling, like, "Jesus Christ."

"Jelly, butt-only...
I didn't know they had that."

"I didn't know they told you
which orifice to cram it in,

but there it is."

"I'll get one. It's technically
Pete Holmes' merch at this point."

[audience laughing]

It's 'cause our phones are listening.
Some of you didn't get it,

and I can't have that.

That will not stand.

I can't have you go home tonight
like, "How was the Pete show?"

"Pretty good. Uh..."

"One moment stood out as odd."

[audience laughing]

It's wonderful to be together again.

I'm not taking this for granted,
crammed together tight in a small room.

It's beautiful. You know something
I'm never gonna stop doing

that I picked up during the lockdown
and I'll never stop doing,

no matter when COVID is a distant memory,
I'm always gonna do this?

I'm never gonna stop karate-kicking
the crosswalk button.

[audience laughing]

It's a good move.

This was on the menu,
why were we ever doing this?

These are-- We eat with these.

That disgusting wet street metal?

These are God's forks.

Why were we ever pushing...

Why were we ever pushing God's forks
onto that wet nickel?

It's always got a sheen on it,

'cause you know ten minutes earlier,
an unhoused person

was rubbing his foreskin all over it.

Just like, "I'm the mayor."

Just like gettin' a... gettin' a good coat.

Gettin' a good coat!

This is beautiful.
You're making a great sound right now.

You're laughing.

But you're also a little confused.
I like that.

[audience laughing]

And I agree with you.
That's a confusing joke.

That joke needs to pick a lane.

I'm sensitive enough to say "unhoused."

[audience laughing]

But I'm still like, "You know they're
putting their dick on stuff, right?"

Those precious outdoor angels.
[laughing] I don't know.

[audience laughing]

"Outdoor angels." I didn't care for that.

I crossed my own line.

You ever hear someone say something
you didn't like, and it was you?

[audience laughing]

I got soft during the lockdown.
I knew I was in trouble.

You ever take the top off
a pint of ice cream

and just throw the lid away?

[audience laughing]

Like a fresh pint.

Just like, "This is a single-use item."

[audience laughing]

"I'm not gonna lie to myself tonight."

"There's been an ice cream avalanche,

and I'm not gonna stop until every
cookie dough chunk comes home."

Sometimes I do that. I'll fight through.

There's a third left
and I don't even want it,

but I'm like, "It's a rescue mission."

"Some of these guys got kids."

[audience laughing]

I knew I was in trouble
during the lockdown

'cause I went back to eating
Cool Ranch Doritos.

That's the right response.
It's a perfect chip.

I hadn't had one since junior high,
but the mad scientists at Frito-Lay

fuckin' cracked the Da Vinci Code
right there.

Only took 'em 100,000 ingredients.

But I forgot, there's a charge to it.

You put a Cool Ranch on your tongue,
it's like licking a 9-volt battery.

[audience laughing]

And there's so many chemicals in it,
your brain is confused.

It's like, "Is this sex?"
Like, it doesn't know.

I knew things were getting out of control

'cause I was alone on my couch
eating a big bag of battery sex chips...

[audience laughing]

...and I burped,

and when my mouth was open for the burp,
I threw in more chips.

[audience laughing]

Just like a weird fat-guy multitask.

Just like, "While we're at it, let's not
let this opportunity pass us by."

Just shoveling more coal into the Titanic.

I don't own a scale. You want to know
how I found out I was getting soft?

I shot a video of my wife and daughter
kicking a soccer ball at the park.

I shot it on my phone.

And when I played the video for a friend,

we could-- BS--
We could both hear me breathing.

[audience laughing]

I wasn't in the video.

But I was like
the soundtrack to the video,

'cause the camera
was just a little too close to my face,

so I'm like... [labored breathing]

I'm like, "Where did I shoot this?
Leering in the bushes?"

They're on level ground.

How am I the only one going uphill
in this footage?

[labored breathing]

There was an involuntary
lip smack at one point.

[smacking lips loudly]

Just like... [smacks lips loudly]
Like I'm in line at a buffet

watching a guy in chefs' whites
carve roast beef for me.

And I'm... [smacking lips loudly]

[breathes heavily] Thicker.

[smacks lips, breathes heavily] Thicker.

We found one of my favorite spots
in the routine.

[smacks lips, breathes heavily] Thicker.

I'd do it all night.

If it would delight you,
I'd keep doing it.

[smacks lips, breathes heavily] Thicker.

Nope! Nope! Nope, nope, nope!

Shush!

I want to buy a dildo! Shush.

[audience laughing]

Some of my friends got really jacked
during the lockdown.

My friend Kumail. You might know Kumail.

- [audience cheering]
- And honestly, he looks incredible.

I'm proud of him.

But I wouldn't want that body.
I couldn't do it.

But even if there was a lever I could push
and just have it, I wouldn't do it.

First of all,
I don't want anyone looking at me

and knowing what I'm up to all day.

[audience laughing]

You see someone that ripped,
you're like, "You going to the gym, Jim?"

"Hey, Jim, you on your way to the gym?"

"Whey protein, Jim? What is it, Jim?"

Look at this mystery.

[audience laughing]

You don't have shit.

My body does not narc on my calendar.
Do you understand?

You're like, "Something with pancakes?"
You're getting warm.

Going to petting zoos
and waving at the animals?

Warmer, warmer.

Honestly, given the choice
between a soft body and a hard body,

I'd choose soft every time. Soft!

Are you fucking kidding me? Soft!

- [audience members whopping]
- It's tru-- Thank you.

This show never works in LA.

Everybody in LA wants to be a sports car.
Fuck that.

I wanna be a Winnebago with one flat tire.
Do you understand?

You ever hugged someone who's jacked?

I've hugged Kumail. There's no healing.

[audience laughing]

There's no catharsis.

You let go, and you're like,
"Are you mad at me?"

[audience laughing]

Everybody wants to be a box spring.

Fuck that. I wanna be
a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Do you understand?

You hugged me? Yeah. You hugged me?

You're welcome you hug me.

There's memory foam coating
over every inch of my body.

You hug me, there's a sink and a sizzle.
Do you understand?

You think it's a man,
then you start moving in

and you're like, "Oh, it's an experience."

[audience laughing]

It's like when you sit on
a padded toilet seat

but you didn't know
it was a padded toilet seat.

It's a surprise. And you're like,
"Oh, going down!" [hisses]

That's what it's like.

And you move into me,

and you can weep in the safety
and security of my boob shadow.

And when I release you,
both you and your trauma are set free

like a flock of birds.

That's a fucking hug.

- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Yeah. That's a hug.

Everyone's better for it.

Look, obviously, all bodies are beautiful,
but here's my defense of soft.

Nobody sticks up for soft.
Here's my defense.

Hard looks good, but does it feel good?

Fuck right. No!

[audience laughing]

If you're gonna have sex
with a jacked person,

you're in a hotel room
and they drop their silken robe

and you just see them naked
with the lights on?

Enjoy that.

'Cause that's as good as it gets.

You can just be like, "Wow!"

"The sight of effort and achievement."

[audience laughing]

But then you flick the lights off,
it's perfect darkness,

you just start feeling around for a body.

You're like, "Is that you or the desk?
What did I feel?"

"What am I grinding right now?
Is this a banister?"

"Am I fucking carved wood right now?
Is this-- Is this carved wood?"

If I twist your head,
does pepper come out of your feet?

How far does this go?

And I'm not alone, by the way.
History is on my side.

If you like soft,
history is on your side too.

Go to any museum.

Who were they carving?
Who were they painting?

Thick, beautiful women.

- Women that were-- Yeah.
- [women cheering]

Women that would survive a plague.

Or childbirth, or a six-month boat voyage
from England to New England.

Do you think Keira Knightley
would survive a six-month boat voyage

from England to New England?

She would die day two,
and they'd use her bones for kindling.

Do you understand?

You need big women.

Women that can live on
crackers and hope for months.

[audience laughing and cheering]

"Rubenesque," they call it.

Go to the museum,
they're like, "This is Rubenesque women."

I don't know why. I think it means
they never turned down a Reuben.

These women loved Reubens.

[audience laughing]

Women that would walk
into Michelangelo's studio

and drop the velour curtain
they're wearing,

and Michelangelo'd be like...

[in Italian accent] "I need more marble."

- [in normal voice] You know, like a big...
- [audience laughing]

Ooh!

Old Mikey's got a big job
ahead of him today!

I was worried about that one.

[audience laughing]

But you guys stayed with it.

I was worried that you guys
might be a little too sweet for that.

I know you have all types here,

but in the Midwest,
people generally are a little bit sweeter.

Than LA, at least. That's for sure.

I'll tell you my favorite Minnesota story.
It's not a Minneapolis story.

It's a Minnesota story.
I was driving through the state...

This put me in a good mood
for about six months.

I pulled off the highway,
I went to a supermarket,

I got a coconut water.
I opened it in the store.

I've never done cocaine, but I will
drink a drink before I've paid for it.

[audience laughing]

This is the irreverent, bad-boy humor
you signed up for tonight.

You hear that safety seal break,
you're like, "Ooh, it's a rush."

You know what I mean?

Then you walk around drinking it, proud.
Can't hide it.

You have to be like a sheriff, like,
"Yeah, just checking it out."

Walk around... like you work there.

Like, "Hey, Kyle?
Can we get more Sun Chips on seven?"

You know, like that.

And I walked around so long
I finished the coconut water.

I drank the whole one.
One of those cardboard bottles.

This is what put me in a good mood.
I got up to the register,

there's this Midwest beauty queen,
she was in her fifties or sixties,

I put down the bottle,

I said, "Hi. I'd like to buy
this coconut water, but I finished it."

This is what put me in a good mood
for six months. She went...

"You devil."

[audience laughing]

That's all it takes.

Joy is so easy.

A Midwestern woman called me the devil!

For hydrating on my own timetable.

I think about this woman every day.

She lives rent-free in my heart.

My feet didn't touch the ground.
Calling me the devil!

Also, that's not devil shit.

The devil, excuse me?
The-- Are you hear-- The devil?

The devil does fucked-up shit.

You ever read the Bible?
You ever read the OT?

I'm sorry, what do you call it?

The Old Testament?
You ever crack the prequel?

Bored in church,
waiting for the service to start,

flipping around Leviticus,
just like, "Jesus Chr-- Well..."

"Not yet." And then just put it back.

[audience laughing]

Some of you call it "the OT." I feel like...

I feel like you're my people.

Usually people are like, "What?"

And you guys were like,
"Yes, the first testament."

[audience laughing]

"They're both old, Peter.
The first testament."

I was raised religious.

It's not... It's not just my face
and overall demeanor.

I'm not gonna shit on it.

It actually taught me a lot
of good things. It made me very polite.

I was very polite about sex.

Like when I lost my virginity,

I didn't just ask my first wife
for her consent,

I actually asked her dad.

Not... not literally.

But, you know,
I was a virgin, she was a virgin,

and I asked him if I could marry her,
so, you know...

Subtitles on.

[audience laughing]

What are you really saying?

Weird question from a guy you barely know
who's sometimes in your home.

Just like, "Excuse me? Excuse me, sir?"

[audience laughing]

[breathing heavily]

"Pardon me, Papa?"

[audience laughing]

[continues breathing heavily]

"I have a rather urgent,

rather pressing issue
to raise with you today."

"Would you mind..."

[continues breathing heavily]

"May I..."

"May I plow your baby?"

[audience laughing]

[heavy breathing intensifies]

Sliding him the wedding invite, like,
"This is the night it's gonna happen."

'Would you save that date for me?"

[breathing heavily]

"Would you walk her to me?"

[audience laughing]

"Would you lead her,
like you would lead a good, good pony?"

I'll be standing at the altar,
horny as a 22-year-old virgin,

just like, "Ten! Nine!"

[audience cheering and applauding]

He gets her to me,
I'm like, "I'll take it from here."

[growls loudly]

The first time I got married,

our honeymoon suite
was above the dance floor.

That's a bit much.

Telling him that, like,
"You'll be near, sir."

Think about that. We went right upstairs.

Of course. Are you kidding?
Waited my whole life to have sex.

We went right upstairs.
So the dad was 30 feet below us,

like... [singing silly song]

I feel you backing away.
[continues singing]

Thirty feet above him, I was like,
"Oh, this is what all the buzz was about!"

Thirty feet below us, he's like... [singing]

"I paid for this."

[audience laughing]

See? Sweeter.
You should hear that joke in New York.

They're like, "Yeah, fuck dads!"

You guys are like, "I don't know."

"I don't know if this is respectful
to our elders."

You sweetie-patities.

I love you. Never change.

If you're offended by that joke,
I completely agree.

[audience laughing]

Isn't that refreshing?

It is an offensive joke.

I think it's so funny when comedians
get accused of being offensive,

they're always like, "What?! Get real."

I offend myself every day.

And so do you, if you watch your thoughts.

You ever come home from a party,

drop your keys on the counter just like,
"Ha! I am not for everyone."

- You know what I mean? Just--
- [audience laughing]

It's nothing new.

It's been offensive the whole time.

I try to be good.

I don't do a lot of drugs.

I'm the kind of guy that can't tell
when other people were on drugs.

- Anyone else like that?
- [audience] Yeah.

Right? I leave a party, I'm like,
"Who was that sweaty, confident man?"

[audience laughing]

"He had an idea
for several exciting new businesses."

Try to be good.

I call home once a week.

I FaceTime my mom's forehead every Sunday.

[laughing]

Last time we FaceTimed,
my mom saw how long my hair is getting,

and this is a quote,
she went, "Petey, sweetie,

you look like Johnny Damon
from that movie Good Luck Hunting."

[audience laughing]

That's a lot of mistakes
to cram into one sentence...

from a woman living in Boston.

[audience laughing]

I didn't know what to say. I went,
"How do you like them bananas?"

And I just moved on.

I do call my mom every Sunday.

Except this week,
she called me on a Monday,

which was a nightmare.

We had just spoken on Sunday.

Anyone else have a parent
in their eighties

you call on a designated day,
then they break the routine?

Isn't that terrifying?

I was at work, I saw the phone
lighting up, it said "Mom,"

I immediately go to worst-case.

I'm like, "Who fell? Who died?"

"Or worse, she just wants to chat." Like...

[audience laughing]

But I didn't answer.

And I called her back
while she was leaving me a voicemail.

Now, my mom is a very with-it lady.

She just gets a little confused
by technology, like we all do.

So I have the funniest voicemail
in the world

'cause she was leaving me a voicemail,
and I called her on the other line,

and she thought the call waiting beeps
were the voicemail greeting beeps...

If I see you after the show, I'll play it.
It's the best message.

She's like, "Hello, Petey, sweetie,
it's your mother."

"I'm calling today because I--"

[audience laughing]

"Hello, Petey, sweetie, it's your mother."

"I'm calling you this afternoon
because I--"

[audience laughing]

[in worried voice]
"Hello, Petey, sweetie..."

The third one, she was a little scared.

Each message was a little bit different.
That's what made it amazing.

It's like when someone you work with

sends you the same email twice
by accident,

but you can tell
they wrote it up fresh both times,

and you scour it for differences.

You're like, "'Sincerely?'
What happened to 'Best Wishes,' Ted?"

It was like that.

I get confused by technology too.
You know what scares the hell out of me?

You know when you go to a website
and it's like, "Wait."

"Before you come in,
prove you're not a robot."

Then there's a grid, and it's like,

"Find all the frames
that have crosswalks in it."

I freeze up.
Those scare the hell out of me.

I overthink it.

I do the easy ones real fast,
but then I'm like,

"There is a smidge of white
in the lower left

that could be a crosswalk."

'Cause you don't wanna get it wrong.
What happens if you get it wrong,

an alarm goes off,
it's like, "Beep-boop, you're a robot"?

[audience laughing]

They come and take you away?

Is this how we found Alexa?
Is this how we got Alexa?

She was just a sweet old woman
who tested bad?

Now she's cursed to be
a hockey puck on our mantels

that we bark orders at,

just 'cause she was a sweet old woman
who couldn't find all the bicycles?

Okay, forget it.

[audience laughing]

Sweet old woman
who couldn't find the bicycles?

If I was in the crowd,
I'd be like, "Yeah!"

I'd be losing it.

You guys are doing great,
but that is right up my alley.

I'd be like, "Finally!"

"The mystery of Alexa has been solved!"

[audience laughing]

I probably shouldn't make fun of my mom.

I'm getting older. I turn 44 this year.

I'll tell ya. Anybody in their twenties
worried about getting older?

It's not that bad.

- I'll tell ya. The-- Right? Not that bad.
- [applause]

The main difference being 24 and 44?

So when I was 24, I would pee,
and, you know, shake it.

Having a penis is so humiliating.

Like, none of us are talking about it,
but every guy...

I shouldn't be telling you this.
Every guy in the room,

we pee, and we go... [gibbering]

There's no... there's no technology
that can save us from... [gibbering]

That's the best strategy we have.

Throughout human history.

Abraham Lincoln was like, "I'll address
you in a moment, Gettysburg."

[gibbering]

It's humiliating.
It's a wonder any of you listen to us.

But the main difference when I was 24,

I would pee, I would shake it,
zip it up, and walk away.

Now that I'm 44,

I would pee, shake it,
zip it up, walk away,

and then like 30 seconds later,
just more pee comes out.

[audience laughing]

Not a lot, but, you know,
enough to halt a conversation.

[raucous laughter]

It merits a pause.

You're like, "Have I seen
the new Avatar?" [moans uncomfortably]

That's "the way of water" right there.
That's what that is.

It's not a lot.
It's like one penis-length.

[audience laughing]

It's not a lot.

It's like an air lock,
like an air lock on a spaceship, of pee.

And it's-- So, for me, quite a bit.
Okay, that's-- that's ridiculous.

[audience laughing]

You know, enough to put out a campfire.

It's like, remember in the '90s,
you'd listen to a Dave Matthews CD,

and at the end of the CD,
you'd think it was over,

but there'd be, like,
three minutes of silence

and then they'd come out
and be like, "Just kidding,"

and they'd play, like, a hidden song?

It's like that...

[audience laughing]

...but for pee-pee.

And if you get that reference,
it's definitely happening to you.

[raucous laughter]

That's not entirely true.
There are other differences getting older.

I hurt myself a lot more easily.

I was laid out for two days.
I'll tell you what happened.

I was in the shower.

It was a cold shower
'cause I'm in my forties

and I just want to feel... something.

[audience laughing]

And I got the novel idea,

like an Irish Spring soap commercial
from the '80s,

I was like, "I'm gonna crouch down,
put my face in the jet spray,

and just go... [gibbering]"

And that's what I did.
I went... [gibbering] ...and went... [yells]

And I was laid out for--

I'm not leaving anything out.
That's the story.

I crouched...

Everybody in their forties is like,
"It's the crouch. The crouch is probably..."

"You can go like this,
or you can go like this,

but you can't do both."

"You should know that.
You... you should know that."

"That one's on you."

It's true. I'm afraid to do it right now.

Like, it could happen again.

Do you realize what this means?
I can't go like this... [gibbering]

Which-- I can't--

I can't motorboat my wife's boobs.
Do you understand?

[audience laughing]

Do you know what motorboating is?

Then where's the laugh?
I can't motorboat my wife's boobs.

If I want to motorboat my wife's boobs,
I have to sit on the edge of the bed.

[audience laughing]

I have to sit on the edge of the bed
like a good little boy.

Or like Anna Nicole Smith's
melting husband.

I can just sit there, still,

and then she can come in
and move her boobs while I sit still.

Like a car wash. Like... [gibbering]

Or it's like a play where there's
a fake car in the middle of the stage,

and everything else moves,
but you stay still.

It's like that. A boy goes by
with a crescent moon on a fishing line.

I've never done this this long.

[audience laughing]

That's how I motorboat my wife now.

[man whoops]

Going to the doc-- [laughs] I hear you.

I hear you. I see you. You're valuable.

[audience laughing]

You matter. You're beautiful.

Going to the doctor is, uh, different
when you're in your forties.

I had to get my prostate checked.

Every comedian
gets his prostate exam joke.

This is mine.

Here's my hot take. Wasn't that bad.

Yeah. What's the big deal?

It was gentle.

It was like a hummingbird
pollinating a giant...

Like a... Like a gaping yellow flower,

just... [buzzing] It was fine.

I was like, "That was it? Do it again.
That was fine. No big deal."

And now I'm fresh for another season.
That's exciting.

But the best part was my doctor
completely underestimated how tall I am.

I'm 6'6".

And I'm standing by the table.
The table was about this tall.

She was off in the corner
putting on a glove and lubing it up,

like an assassin
putting a silencer on a pistol, just like...

"I'll be with you in a moment."

And so she's over there, and she goes,
"Put your chest on the table."

She's an authority figure,
and she told me to do it.

I was like,
"That's a little guy order. Little guy."

Little guy's like, "Aye-aye, madam,"
and he just goes down.

"Slide right in there
like an open parking spot. It's okay."

But I'm 6'6". I'm a giraffe.

This woman's about to become a zoologist.

But she's an authority figure,
so I'm, like, in a backless, gaping robe,

I'm just like, "Okay,"

and I go down like one of those
plastic drinking waterbirds.

I can feel the breeze
twixt-- twixt my cheeks.

Just waiting, and I go,
this is literally what I said, I go,

"This feels low."

[audience laughing]

And then I...

I went up to my elbows.

Thankfully, she did not. Okay. [laughing]

[audience laughing]

That was ridiculous.

This is true.
After she did it, I gave her a hug.

[audience laughing]

Why can't you hug your doctor?

I don't know, she was all up in me.

You do something that intimate,
you're gonna get squeezed.

Just like... Just like... [kisses] A little...

- [audience laughing]
- [kisses] Just on the top of the head.

[smooching]

I pay my premiums.

[kisses]

She leans up for it. [kissing]

[audience laughing]

I have a four-and-a-half-year-old now.

- Yeah. It's great.
- [audience cheering]

She's growing up so fast.

She vapes now. She vapes. She-- [laughs]

Crème brûlée, that's her flavor.

When we smell it,
that's how we know she's home.

I loved having a baby during the lockdown

because I got to be there
for all the big moments.

I was there for her first steps.
I was there for her first word.

This is true, it was "cracker."

Which I found racially insensitive.

- [audience laughing]
- Remember it like it was yesterday.

I'm on the couch, she's in a diaper
next to me, she goes, "Cracker!"

[audience laughing]

Cinched up my robe. I'm like...

I prefer "honky," but okay.

[audience laughing]

Alexa, turn off the Matchbox Twenty.

[audience laughing]

Getting called racial slurs out here.

I love being a dad.

My daughter has a lot of the same toys
we had when we were growing up.

She just has better versions
of the same toy.

Like, I had a See 'n Say growing up.
Remember the See 'n Say?

Remember it spins, points at an animal,
makes a sound of the animal?

We had that in the '80s.
It just sounded like shit.

Pull the string, it would land on the cow,
it would be like... [makes static noise]

[muffled vocalizations,
then more static noise]

[muffled moaning]

I'm three years old,
sitting on my play mat,

like, "Is that the sound of a cow?"

[audience laughing]

"I'm new here. I'm taking this from you."

My daughter has the same toy,

it's just crystal-clear,
digital surround-sound...

There's an announcer. It sounds fantastic.

He goes, like... [in announcer voice]
"This is the sound of a horse."

[in normal voice] Then it's like...
[neighs realistically] It's a real horse!

You can tell someone went in a barn
with a horse and was like, "Action,"

and they got it.

Which is even more impressive
'cause they got dangerous animals.

They got a coyote.

I didn't even know
what a coyote sounded like up close,

but it's like... [in announcer voice]
"This is the sound of a coyote."

[mimics complex calls
and howling of a coyote]

[in normal voice] Sitting with my daughter
like, "That's so specific."

[audience laughing]

"It's gotta be real."

"We're both learning."

[audience laughing]

When it lands on the dog,
the sound quality is so good,

when the toy barks, my dog barks.

But this is what makes it a joke.

[audience laughing]

I don't just describe the toy.

Hundred percent real.
I would never lie in the set-up of a joke.

You pull the string, it lands on the cat,
100% real, it goes...

[in announcer voice]
"This is the sound of a cat."

"Meow."

[audience laughing]

[in normal voice]
Minnesota, it's just the guy.

[audience laughing]

It's, like, clearly just the guy.

It's the guy barely trying to sound
like it's not just the guy.

Do you realize what this means?
They couldn't get a cat.

[audience laughing]

They couldn't get a cat to play ball.

They got a coyote.

They got a coyote to cooperate.

That is how much of an asshole
every American house cat is.

It's like, "No!"

[audience laughing]

That is a story.

That is a man in a room
filled with scratching posts

with a boom mic and dozens of cats,

just like, "Come on!"

[audience laughing]

"For fuck's sake!"

"Get off of me!"

The dog's in the corner like,
"I'll happily bark again if it would

move things along."

"I'm just happy
to be a part of this team."

[audience laughing]

"I'm a good boy."

I wanna be a good dad.

I feel like dads can go either way.

[scattered laughter]

Thank you to the 22 people
that laughed at that.

They're my instant favorites.

Moms can go either way too, obviously,

but the mom and the baby,
they have a head start with each other

'cause the baby lives inside the mom
for nine months.

So the baby's sort of pre-programmed
to love the mom.

Like an iPhone.

Baby comes out,
mom looks at the baby, baby unlocks.

[audience laughing]

Dad's just the weird, hairy helper
in the shadows.

[groans creepily]

"What's the passcode?"

"Don't run from me."

"I have nipples too."

[audience laughing]

So many dads are like the part
of the space shuttle that falls off

after mom and baby reach orbit.

Just like, "Let me know
if you need me to lift anything heavy."

I didn't want to do that.
I wanted to be involved.

So even when Val, my wife, was pregnant,

I was trying to think of ways
to protect the baby.

I was like, that's a good thing
dads can do. I'll protect the baby.

And I had no idea-- I freaked out

'cause I had no idea what to do
if a baby is choking.

You can't give a baby
the Heimlich maneuver.

That's grown-ass person shit.

Can't be at a diner like,
"Oh, is your baby choking?"

[bang]

[audience laughing]

You'll break the baby.

So I wanted to look it up,
so I YouTubed it.

I YouTubed "babies choking."

Yeah.

So I'm on a list. I'm on a list!

[audience laughing]

Just feels good to be included on a list.

And I can feel some of you
beautiful Minnesotans backing away.

[audience laughing]

And that's beautiful. Do not change.
That means you're not a sociopath.

It is a dark subject,
but here's what makes it a joke.

Even though it's a dark subject,

these YouTube videos
are just like any other YouTube video.

It's like a 22-year-old kid being like,
"What's up, Safe Squad?"

[audience laughing]

"My name is Tyler."

"I'm here to show you what to do
if a baby is choking."

[audience laughing]

"But before I do, guys,
mash that Subscribe button,

and make sure
notifications are turned on."

I counted. There was a seven-minute intro
before he got into it.

Seven minutes!

I'm sitting at home, like,
"Pick up the pace, Tyler."

"Some families are watching this
in a pickle, okay?"

[audience laughing]

We don't need to hear
about your merch, pal.

Time is of the essence.

Ticktock, ticktock.

You wanna know what it is?

If the baby's facing you,
you turn it around, back towards you,

and you hit it.

That's it.

Medical science.
Men and women in lab coats went in,

and all you do is flip it and hit it.

Which means every drunk dad
in the '70s was right just guessing.

[audience laughing]

They're like,
"Yep, that's what the data shows."

"Having a lit cigarette
dangling from your lip

does help for some reason.
We don't know why."

"In a related study, the best cure
for the hiccups is being called a pussy."

"We have the numbers."

[audience laughing]

I loved having a baby during the lockdown.

Gave me something to do. Gave me purpose.

Gave me fun things to do too.

I remember one afternoon, my wife was
pulling into the driveway with groceries

that we were gonna put on the porch
and spray down...

[audience laughing]

Remember that?

Even at the height of it,
when I was doing that,

I was like, "This is bullshit, right?"

[audience laughing]

It's not on Wheat Thins.

And if it is, maybe we should just
say good night with some dignity.

[all laughing]

But I'm like you guys.
I wanna live my life.

I wanna get silly. I wanna laugh.
I wanna meet my own joy quota.

So I'm not just gonna go out
and say "hello" to my wife.

I'm holding the baby, she's like eight,
nine weeks old, wearing a diaper,

I decide a funny way to say hello
would be to go out to the driveway,

pull my daughter's diaper down,

and mash her baby buns
on the driver's-side window.

I thought this was a novel
and fun way to say "Ahoy."

[audience laughing]

Some of you are backing away.
It's not gross.

It's a baby butt. It's not like my--
My butt would be gross.

It's a baby butt.
Like two little silver dollar pancakes.

[audience laughing]

Like two Chinese steamed dumplings,
and you just kind of move them around.

And that's what I did.
I heard my wife park,

I mashed the baby's butt,
I pulled her diaper down,

I mashed the baby butt,
and I started moving it around.

I'm laughing. The baby's laughing.

We look in the car. Val is horrified.

I look again...
[laughs] ...the baby was shitting.

- The baby was shit--
- [raucous laughter]

Like, that's why they need the diaper.

As soon as I put the buns on the glass,
it was like, "This gives me an idea."

[gibbering]

And I'm just smearing fresh,
so fresh, farm-to-table, biodynamic,

organic, vegan baby shit,

and I'm smearing it around
like a red-light hobo in reverse.

Those precious outdoor angels.

I'm smearing it around.

There's like a brown hourglass shape
where the buns were.

And when I was hosing off the window,
I was like,

"You know what? I don't care if I die.
Daddy needs to go for a walk."

[laughing] "Daddy's...
Daddy needs some fresh air."

You guys are on the fence on that one.
I like that.

It's good to know what's Minnesota-edgy.

[audience laughing]

It's what we should call the special.
"Minnesota-Edgy: The Bad Boy's Back."

"Have you noticed Capri Suns
are difficult as fuck to open?"

"Dude, not safe for TV!"

[raucous laughter]

Kids are real,
and they're right about everything.

- [audience members whooping]
- It's true.

Sometimes I catch myself going,
"Don't splash in the tub,"

and I'm like, "What-- What?
Yeah, it's tile. Splash it up."

"Live your life. I want you to be joyful."

My daughter's right about everything too.
She calls chopsticks "chompsticks."

That was right there.

That's correct.

You don't chop with them,
you chomp with them.

She calls porcupines "poke-u-pines."

That's two for two, baby girl.

[audience laughing]

They poke ya.

They don't pork ya.

[audience laughing]

Be funner if Seinfeld...
[mimicking Seinfeld] They don't pork ya!

[audience laughing]

They poke you!
And you chomp. You don't chop.

[in normal voice]
Kids also know what's going on.

They know.

They think about stuff and
understand stuff you wouldn't believe.

I'll give you an example.
I was dropping Lila off at school.

We were quite late
'cause it was a daddy drop-off.

[audience laughing]

And her little preschool
had already circled up on the carpet,

and Lila was feeling shy,
so she didn't want to go in without me,

so I carried her in.

And we walked into the circle,
and I sat down, with her on my lap.

And we sat right across
from her friend Dean.

Now, I'd misjudged Dean.
I thought Dean was very normcore.

He's a little boy. But I thought
he was norm-- Yeah. [laughing]

[audience laughing]

He's like four years old.
I was like, "This guy's normcore."

I'm out here judging.
I'm out here judging.

You don't get a pass
just 'cause you're a toddler.

I'm judging everything.

I even called him "Dean the Saltine"
right to his face.

I'd be like, "Hey, Dean the Saltine."

He doesn't get it. Relax.

Sometimes I call him "Dean the Jellybean"
if he was wearing something colorful.

[audience laughing]

So we sit right across from Dean,

and the kids are singing this song
they clearly knew very well.

I had never heard it before.

But it was like...
♪ Ten little monkeys up in the tree ♪

♪ Saying, "Hey, alligator
You can't catch me" ♪

Then one of the monkeys falls,
and they make that rhyme somehow.

[audience laughing]

And then all the kids together went,
"And snap!"

♪ Nine little monkeys up in the tree ♪

I'm sitting here like,
this is a dark song.

I look at the teacher like,
"Is this what you do all day?"

But the kids loved it. They went,
"Nine, eight monkeys, seven monkeys..."

♪ "No more monkeys up in the tree" ♪

And there was a moment of silence,
which was warranted.

[audience laughing]

And in the silence,
one of the cute little girls, Maeve,

she just goes,
"What happened to the monkeys?"

Yeah. The teacher's like...
[stammering nervously]

[audience laughing]

One of the kids goes, "They ran away."

An optimist.

[audience laughing]

Another kid goes, "They swam away."

An optimist that remembers
we're by a river.

[audience laughing]

Then fuckin' Dean.

[audience laughing]

Dean's quiet.
He's leaning, as if on a Jukebox.

[audience laughing]

He's lounging, like a sultan.

His eyes go black,
and into the silence, he projects,

"They died!"

[audience laughing]

The teacher's like, "No, no, no, no."

Dean goes... [in toddler voice]
"Yeah, blood in the water!"

[audience laughing]

[in normal voice]
How fuckin' metal is Dean?

He didn't just understand it,

he was picturing
the pigmentation in the water.

"Blood in the water!"

That's the most metal thing
I've ever seen.

Should've been like, "Blood in the water!"
[mimicking monkey vocalization]

Like, that was incredible!

I completely misjudged him.
I'm sorry, Dean.

I don't call him
"Dean the Saltine" anymore.

That's for damn sure.

I call him "Dean the Machine."

Or "Dean the Jellybean"
if he's wearing something colorful.

[all laughing]

Music is powerful, man.

You know what always makes me--
makes my heart warm?

You know what always makes my heart warm?

You know what always
makes my heart "worm--" Like, "worm"?

You know what makes my heart warm?

- Hey, do you know what ma-- [laughing]
- [audience laughing]

We promise to enjoy whatever happens.

- Okay. [laughing]
- [audience cheering and applauding]

You know what makes my heart warm
is those stories of nursing homes

where there's like a woman in her nineties
who hasn't moved in, like, two years,

and they roll her into a room
with a phonograph,

and they put on a record, and it's like...

[mimicking phonograph playing record]

And all of a sudden, she's like...
[mimicking old woman humming song]

A Haitian nurse walking by
is just weeping. Just like...

He just happens to be Haitian.
It's just a detail. Fuckin' relax.

[audience laughing]

Just crying. A beautiful Haitian nurse.

That always warms my heart,
but it got me thinking.

What are they gonna do with me?

God willing I live long enough
to be in a nursing home,

what are they gonna do if I stop moving?

Roll me into a room with a first-gen iPod?

[audience laughing]

They hit play, it's like... ♪ Somebody... ♪

[humming indistinctly]

A Haitian nurse starts crying.

[audience laughing]

But this time, he sparks and smokes
'cause it's a robot, okay?

[all laughing]

In the room next to him,

there's a guy in a bathrobe and slippers
dancing with no one.

Like... ♪ "Cut my life into pieces" ♪

[all laughing]

All the nurses are crying, like,
"They're back! They're back!"

Music is powerful.

I was so desperate to hang out
in a group after the lockdown,

I went to a basketball game.

It was fun. I'm not a sport...

I'm not like a... I'm not a sport.

[audience laughing]

But it was fun. It was a good game.

The characters--
[laughing] "The characters."

[audience laughing]

They were off-book.

Uh, they knew
all their blocking perfectly.

But it was fun,
and it was a very intense game.

I was thinking about it afterwards.
I was like, "Of course it was."

For, like, 45 minutes
before the game started,

they were warming up
and blasting jock jams.

It was like DMX. Like... [mimicking DMX]
♪ Y'all gonna make me lose my mind ♪

And like... [yells]

[in normal voice]
Of course it was intense.

They're all in the paint throwing bowls.
I know the lingo.

[audience laughing]

But again, I was like,
basketball is a really, really old game.

How did they get the players psyched
in the '30s?

Just a coach in khaki shorts
with white socks up to his knees

on the sidelines
next to a record player, like...

[mimicking John Mulaney]
"Let's get aggressive, boys!"

[audience laughing]

[in normal voice] Don't know why
it's Mulaney, but it's Mulaney.

[mimicking John Mulaney]
Let's... Let's get aggressive, boys!

[in normal voice] Puts the needle down,
like... [swooshing air]

[mimicking John Mulaney]
♪ My girl's name is Shirley ♪

[all laughing]

♪ I get her home real early ♪

♪ I'll take the one brown dog
With the two green eyes ♪

[audience laughing, applauding]

♪ My girls smells like kidney beans ♪
[laughs]

[in normal voice] You guys got the set-up.
You can make your own up.

[audience laughing]

On the ride home, delight each other.

I believe in God. Relax.

[audience laughing]

I believe in God, but I hate
when other people believe in God.

- [audience laughing and cheering]
- Can you relate to that?

I love my God, but sometimes
people know I'm a spiritual person,

they'll come out of the shadows
after the show, like, "I believe in God."

I'm like, "What? Get the fuck..."

What is this, a murder-suicide?
Get back in your Lyft.

I don't wanna talk.

But every comedian is an atheist.

Almost every single comedian I know
is an atheist.

And I gotta tell you,
from where I'm standing,

it looks so fucking cool.

Atheism, the cigarette of beliefs.

[audience laughing]

Just leaning on your motorcycle, like,

"You think there's something
going on here? Get real!"

[audience laughing]

It is the motorcycle of philosophies.

Just like,
"Born alone, die alone, ride alone."

- It's like that.
- [audience laughing]

And religion is like the station wagon
I got from my mom.

Like... [honking] "Honk if you love Jesus."
It's just not as cool.

But I, personally, I'm so tired
of comedians burning down a straw man,

making fun of people who believe in God,
being like...

[in British accent]
"Do you really think a talking snake

gave a naked lady an apple?"

[in normal voice] I'm like,
"Come on. It's a metaphor, Ricky."

[audience laughing]

Always true, sometimes really happened.

Do you understand?

Like, my God is not an old man in the sky.

It's a metaphor for a mystery

that absolutely transcends
all categories of human thought,

including being a non-being,

but that's too many words
for the back of a quarter.

[audience laughing]

That's Joseph Campbell.

I got all the best teachers later in life.

Like Barry Taylor,
the road manager for AC/DC, said,

"'God' is the name of the blanket
we put over the mystery

to give it a shape."

Shouldn't I have learned that in church?

[audience laughing]

Why am I learning this from Barry Taylor...

the road manager for AC/DC?

[audience laughing]

But it doesn't matter
if you're an atheist, you're a theist,

I actually think
we're all kinda in the same boat.

Really, I do.

Some people think
God created the universe.

Some people think
nothing created the universe.

Which is the funniest guess?

[audience laughing]

The "nothing" people
make fun of the "God" people.

They say, "God doesn't exist."
I'm like, "Okay, maybe."

But you know what
definitely doesn't exist?

Nothing.

[audience laughing]

That's the defining characteristic
of nothing, is that it doesn't exist.

So what are we talking about?

Either you think it's God,

something you can't see, touch, taste,
photograph, and science can't prove,

or you think it's nothing,

something you can't see, touch, taste,
photograph, and science can't prove.

But I think we can all agree
if nothing, if your nothing,

sometimes spontaneously erupts
into everything,

that's a pretty goddamn
magical fucking nothing, you guys.

[audience laughing]

And ask... ask the "nothing" people,
"What happens when you die?"

They'll tell you,
"Nothing. You go into nothing."

I'm like, "You mean
you merge back with your creator?"

[audience laughing]

-"That's heaven, bitch."
- [all laughing]

So no one, no matter what you believe,
you shouldn't be afraid to die.

'Cause if you go into nothing,
and one of the things nothing does

is explode into everything,

nothing isn't the end,

it's just a pit stop on the way
to a new beginning. Let's pray.

Heavenly Father,
you are, in fact, no thing.

[audience laughing and applauding]

You ever have to poop so bad
you pee second?

[audience laughing]

Look at this. Look at this.

This... This is why live comedy matters.

I've told that joke on Zoom. It's okay.

[audience laughing]

But here, you laugh, and you look around,
and you see you're not alone.

It's everyone.

Sometimes you sit on the toilet,

and you're just like, "Oh God,
that was urgent," Like, it happens.

The old two-one punch, we call it.

Sometimes the appetizer
arrives at the table after the entrée.

It's a mix-up.

It's a mix-up in the kitchen.

I have told that joke before.
I don't want you to feel bad.

I am... seeing other audiences.

[audience laughing]

One time I said, "You ever
have to poop so bad you pee second?"

And right where you guys are--
Are you a couple?

Right where this cute couple is, I go,

"You ever have to poop
so bad you pee second?"

And the husband starts
pointing at the wife, going, "Her!"

[audience laughing]

"Her!"

Trying to embarrass her. "Her!"

It's like, "How do you know that?"

[audience laughing]

"You're the weird one now."

[audience laughing]

What, are you spending your day
ducked behind the shower curtain,

just hiding out in the bathtub
with an ear out? Just like...

"Huh... Bam, tinkle, tinkle."

[audience laughing]

"Somebody hit shuffle." Okay.

[audience laughing]

My wife wrote that joke. Um...

She also wrote this one.

That's a poop joke,
this is a smarter joke.

It'll balance it out.

We were standing on the beach,
not to brag...

[audience laughing]

...and we were looking up at the stars,

and my wife's name is Valerie,
she leaned over to me, she goes,

"Stars are like hipsters."

- [audience member laughs]
- I also laughed.

[audience laughing]

I laughed at that moment
because we could die at any moment.

[audience laughing]

You should know that about me.
I don't wait for punchlines

'cause this could end.

She goes, "Stars are like hipsters."
I'm like, "Whaddya mean?"

She goes, "They're up there twinkling
like, 'You're just seeing this now?'"

[audience laughing]

"'I did that like a billion years ago.'"

It's a light speed joke.
It's not for everybody.

I love being married.

You're not gonna hear that a lot
at comedy shows.

But I do. She's my best friend.
I love sharing my life with somebody.

It's wonderful.

I think being single is overrated.

In movies, and TV especially,
it's all just doing shots and having sex.

It's not what I remember.

[audience laughing]

I remember awkward two-hour dinners
with good posture, just being like,

"What's your favorite Harry Potter?"

- Or just like...
- [audience laughing]

Put a gun on the table.
"Or we could just end it."

- [laughing] Just like...
- [audience laughing]

"Should we call it a night?"

You are sweetie-patities.

And the best-case scenario is if
you get that stranger to go home with you,

or you go home with them,
what's the best-case scenario?

You can kneel on a stranger's bed,
rolling on a condom,

looking around, being like,
"Why does she have an iguana?"

Like, that's the best.

That's the best-case.

I love being married because you can
show someone your real orgasm sound.

[audience laughing]

Thank you for not leaving me alone
in a moment of artistic vulnerability.

One woman was like, "Yeah!"
Everyone else was like, "Proceed."

When you're married, you can
show someone your real orgasm sound.

You can't do that when you're dating.
When you're dating, you can't come real.

You have to come cool.

You want to come cool

'cause you want them
to think you're a neat-o guy.

So you're having sex,
and you feel the orgasm creeping up,

from the knee.

I've had sex before.

Every guy knows
it creeps up from the knee,

gingerly, like a daddy long-legs.

And like, "Hoo boy, the finale is afoot."

[all laughing]

And you have to make a choice.
You're like... [groans]

Scrambling, like,
"Quick! How would Indiana Jones come?"

[audience laughing]

And that's what you do. You go,
"Oh, this belongs in a museum!"

- You know, like that.
- [audience laughing]

That's what I did when I was dating Val.

I'd be like, "The dog's name was Indiana!"
You know, cool... cool shit.

But that's not trust.

That's not intimacy.
That's not baring your soul.

Val gets the real real.
I'm gonna try to do it for you now.

[audience laughing]

Don't back away.

[audience laughing]

Something real is happening

that's not on our phones. [laughing]

[audience laughing]

It's like this... [grunting awkwardly]

- She's right there. I can see her.
- [audience cheering]

[grunts awkwardly] She'll...
She'll tell me if I get this right.

[grunting awkwardly, in strained voice]
I trust you!

- [in normal voice] It's like that.
- [audience laughing]

That's the sound of love.

That's the sound of intimacy.

If you introduce your parents to...
[grunts awkwardly]

...that's the sound.

Put a ring on... [grunts awkwardly]

In fact, if you've been dating a guy
for over a year,

and you haven't heard...
[grunting awkwardly]

...fucking cut and run.
That's a Dirty John long con.

That's a sociopath.
Get out of that situation.

Guys, not every moment of your day
has to be an expression of masculinity.

Doesn't have to be like,
"Oh! I'm havin' a Joe Rogan experience!"

You need to...

[audience laughing]

...put your broadsword down
and let someone love you tenderly.

[audience laughing]

I am straight.

[audience laughing]

The guy that just
offers that out of nowhere.

You're on a road trip
with one of your friends,

he's just staring out the window
for 45 minutes,

like, "You guys know I'm straight, right?"

[audience laughing]

How much are you thinking about dudes?
Is it all the live-long day?

But I'm straight. The reason I mention it
is actually for a very positive reason,

'cause I feel like I was raised
as a straight man

to think that vaginas are great
and dicks are icky-sticky-nicky.

[audience laughing]

And it's not true.
I don't-- I don't think dicks are gross.

I just think we're all making the best
of a bad situation. You know what I mean?

[all laughing]

They're all gross, they're all not gross.

Both kinds.
Both kinds are gross and not gross.

They're just... It's the same shit.
It's the same ingredients.

Just shuffled differently.

One's a jambalaya, one's a paella,
you know what I mean?

- [audience laughing]
- They're both just-- [laughing]

They're both just genitals.

The perfect word for what they are.

Genitals. Just outside insides.

Stuff that should have
the decency to be up here

but it's like,
"What if I came to the party?"

And it's like, "No!"

Bat it back up with a broom.

You just have to choose your nightmare.

Choose! Which one do you want?

You want one that's like, "Blah!"
Or one that's like, "Heehaw!"

[audience laughing]

Choose your nightmare, commit,
and act like you liked it the whole time.

And no, you did not.

I don't care how "straight" you are
as a woman.

No woman saw a dick-- Excuse me, a dick?

And was like, "Yeah, babe!"

"Get that in me!"

[audience laughing]

No. Someone had to
walk you through that gently,

like a PowerPoint presentation.

They were like, "This is it
in its resting phase, Jesus Christ."

[audience laughing]

"Next slide, please."

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

[audience laughing]

"That's halfway?"

"That's halfway!"

[audience laughing]

And I don't care
how "straight" you are as a guy,

the first time we all saw a vagina,
we were like,

"Ha! Maybe some more
Super Nintendo first. That is..."

[audience laughing]

"That is an acquired taste."

I've never seen a vagina
that looked like it was expecting company.

Always looked like the vagina was in
the shower when you rang the doorbell,

like, "I'll be right out!"

Women, don't feel teased. Feel seen.

[audience laughing]

But nobody will admit this.

No straight guy will admit this,
that dicks aren't grosser.

It's not gross.

I'm always trying. Like one Thanksgiving...

This is true.

[audience laughing]

One Thanksgiving,
I was sitting next to my brother.

He's a straight guy. I was tired
of listening to my father chew.

[audience laughing]

So I leaned over,
I go, "Hey, dude." I call him "dude."

I go, "Dude...
you suck a dick for a million dollars?"

Like a lot of the guys in the room,
he didn't think about it.

He said, "Ugh, no! Ugh, no! Ugh!"

Like, how about a little conversation?

How about a little back-and-forth?
We're not going anywhere.

How about a follow-up question?
How about, "Do I know the guy?"

That's a good one.

[audience laughing]

Don't wanna fire off a quick "yes"
and be like, "It's Dad."

"Fuck you. That's a trap."

[audience laughing]

But he said "no," so I upped it.
I wanted to see where the line was.

I said, "Fifty mil?
You suck a dick for 50 mil?"

I can see some of the guys' faces
tightening up.

The girls are like, "Dude, I've done it
for two drinks at a TGI Fridays."

"You wouldn't do it to never work again,
you stupid fucks?"

Like, "No, I'll ride it out.
It's FedEx for the next four decades."

"That's a good plan."

Working late on your birthday,

like, "Goddammit, I should have sucked
that fuckin' dick!"

[audience laughing]

You'll delete the memory

when you're riding
your Jet Ski in the Bahamas.

It's three minutes of your life.
Two, if you're any good.

[audience laughing]

I would run to that appointment.

I would slide on my knees
like a catcher going for a pop-up ball.

Whip off my mask, be like,
"I'm gonna live in Bora Bora!"

[audience laughing]

Reaching around the back.

They didn't ask for any ass play,

but for 50 mil,
you're gettin' a butt tickle, gratis.

[audience laughing]

That's on the house.

But I know, even at this point,

there are still some straight men
in the room that are like, "No."

"Vaginas are great. Dicks are gross."

Here's how I know you're full of shit.

'Cause I jerk off...

and so do you.

[audience laughing]

And when I do, I'm not like...

[mouthing words]

[audience laughing]

There it is again!

It's warm!

And there's a wobble to it.

That's not what I'm doing.
I fucking love it.

It's the highlight of my day.

I milk it. I literally milk it.

[audience laughing]

I could finish, but I don't.

Every guy knows what I'm talking about.

When you're like, "Not yet, me."

"Still have some tricks
up my sleeve for me, me."

"Ooh, I love it when you treat me
like the dirty bitch I am, me."

That is why no one
has a right to be homophobic.

That's some backwards and fucked-up shit.

- [audience cheering]
- But it's-- Yes.

But especially if you are a straight guy
and you jerk off,

you have no leg to stand on.

'Cause that's not just gay,
that's double gay.

[audience laughing]

If you are a man
and you have sex with another man,

that's only one level of gay.

If you jerk off, that's double gay.

'Cause listen to me.
You are giving a man a hand job...

while at the exact same time,
you are getting a hand job from a man.

[audience cheering and applauding]

That's not just gay,

that's double gay.

Everybody's gay.

Some of the dudes
are looking at me like, "You devil."

[raucous laughter]

Guys, thank you so much!

What a night!

Thank you for being here!

Thank you!

[upbeat jazz music playing]

Peace out! Good night!

[jazz music continues]

[music fades to silence]