All language subtitles for If.You.Were.The.Last.2023.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

It was irresponsible.

- Irresponsible?
- Absolutely.

They spent what?

A trillion dollars plus
countless man hours,

not to mention
political capital,

trying to get one dude back
from Mars.

Political capital?
It united the world.

Yeah, for a hot second,
but what if they failed?

Everyone would have been
like, um, excuse me,

you know there are
people dying here, right?

People are always
dying on Earth.

You can't change that.

But if you get the opportunity
to bring back Matt Damon...

No, screw Matt Damon.

That's just harsh.

Dude, it costs an average
of $1,200 to save a life.

12... what?

When you give money to
charity...

the ones that are actually
gonna save lives

are the ones that clean
water and give out

medicine and stuff, right?

Matt Damon's charity
literally cleans water.

So when you factor in
administrative costs,

and how many people would
actually die without help,

that works out to
1,200 bucks per life.

Okay, so what you're saying
is, you take a trillion

and divided by 1,200
and you can save

833 million people's lives
on Earth?

You just do that math
right now?

I'm wicked smart.

I know, it's just,
you look like so dumb.

Okay.

Checkmate.

- Dang.
- Boom.

Okay.

You really don't think

they're sending anybody
to save us?

I mean...

I'm sure they're doing
what they can.

Within reason.

Benson would probably
take your side.

Yeah, well,
Benson went crazy.

- Play again?
- You wanna lose again?

I just don't think
we should wait around

to be saved, you know?

We gotta save ourselves.

Or accept the inevitability
of our fates.

One of the two.

Two of the three.

- Three of the four.
- Comme ci, comme ça.

# Girl, it feels so good #

# To know you're mine #

# You've got the love
that keeps me going #

# Forever and ever #

# You've got the love #

# You've got the love
that keeps me going #

# Forever and ever #

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

You might as well give up now.
I'm clearly dominating you.

I'll dominate your face!

Yes.

Wait, two?

Don't you only have,
like, ten left?

Yeah, I know, but...

my blueberry and marijuana
hybrid won't flower,

so blowing off some steam.

Well, go nuts, kid.

But don't pop and drive.

Pew.

Morning.

Your mama called!

She said she doesn't miss you
and you're gonna lose.

Oh. Your mama called.

And she said she's your sister,

you smell like poop,
and you're gonna lose.

My mom is my sister?

Come on, we gon' watch
a movie.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

- Okay.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- "Die Hard."
- "Casablanca."

- "Die Hard."
- "Casablanca." Come on.

"Casablanca" is
the best love story ever.

Blargh.

I want Hans Gruber.

Why would you do that?

Hans Gruber.

Okay.

"Sense and Sensibility."

It's Hans Gruber
in a love story.

Come on.

- Okay.
- Boom. Look at that.

Get comfortable.
This is kinda great.

Hey, girl.

Error. Comms fail.

Please contact your nearest
NASA representative.

Hello.

Earth?

It's your girl DJ J-J-Jane.

Coming to you live
from outer space.

And we've got a sick lineup
for you all,

so buckle up
and enjoy the ride.

Navigation failed.

# I wanna be #

# As free as that white line
in the sky #

# You can stay #

# In these last evil days
if you want to #

You ready?

Dur.

Well, have you tried the
raspberries or the blackberry?

Yes, I've tried everything.

But the blueberry is the one
that's most genetically in line

with the marijuana plant,
so it should work.

Well, I believe in you.

You'll figure it out.

Thanks, Mom.

All right.
What's the verdict?

Oh, you're gonna see.

Oh, no.

No, not the cowboy hat.

Can you at least play Dolly?

Not gonna happen.

When you played Bieber,
I didn't say anything.

It's my turn,
and I wanna two-step.

We can two-step, that is fine,

but could we do it to something
less soul suckingly awful?

- No.
- Please?

Come on, I'm sure
you have something in there

that's actually good.

Okay.

Oh.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Oh.
- Now you go forward.

Bring it back.

Then it's one, two,
three, jump rope.

- That's cute.
- Then you turn.

- You did this lots, right?
- Yeah.

One, two, three, then you jump.

Hey.
- Okay, okay.

- Turn. Oh.
- Oh.

Okay.

both:
Oh!

- Uh, uh, uh, ah!
- Hey.

Ha, ha, ha, turn.

# An old-fashioned girl #

# But her style
was hard to beat #

Hey! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Clap. Oh, oh, oh, bang!

Give me that snake.

both:
Oh. Oh.

Pause. Get it. Get it.

Whoo! Ah.

There it is. There it is.

Go back, go back.

# Under cover lover, baby #

Mm. Mm.

Oh.
- Oh, we're turning.

Mm. Mm.

So...

I need to call
you out on something.

Okay.

I was walking through
the greenhouse this morning,

and I stepped
in some milky goop.

Oh.
My bad.

- Dude.
- What?

I thought I cleaned it all up.

That's where our food grows.

That's where the girls sleep.

Oh, my God, were they...
Watching you?

They're chickens.

- Ew.
- All right.

That's enough slut shaming.

I am not shaming you.

Masturbation is, like,
super healthy.

But I keep it in my room
because I'm not a dirty ho.

Dirty ho?

Maybe we should do it.

Do what?

It.

- What?
- What?

What? I'm serious.

Oh, man. He's lost it.

Look, in case
you haven't noticed,

we're doomed to spend the
rest of our miserable lives

floating around on this ship.

So it would be crazy
for us not to bang, right?

Well, when you put it
like that.

So you're in?

- No.
- Why not?

Look, first of all,

I don't need a reason
not to sleep with you.

I need a reason
to have sex with you.

Uh, floating through space.

Uh, boredom.

The fact that,
other than Benson,

I'm your only viable option.

See, I can think
of three excellent reasons

right off the top of my head
why we shouldn't,

as you put it so romantically,
bang.

Oh.
- Okay.

Well, moment of clarification.

I'm not talking
about romance, okay?

This is completely
void of emotion.

All right?

This is all about us
using sex as a stress reliever.

Oh, no, I get it.

Okay,
so what are your three great...

Ow! Oh.

Sorry. No, actually...
- Are you okay?

It's nothing. Yeah.

What were you saying?
- What happened?

It's really... it's just
a little scratch.

Ah!

That's not a scratch.

It was just
the freaking tool cart.

Look, you need
some antibiotics.

No, we only have
one course left.

I am not using it
on this little cut.

Well, what if
the infection spreads?

People don't die
from little cuts.

Yeah, because
they use antibiotics.

It's fine.

So you were saying?

What?

You were saying why we
shouldn't do sex on each other.

Oh.

Well, number one,
I'm not attracted to you.

That's an argument for,
not against.

How?

Because if we were
attracted to each other,

then "banging" could possibly
turn into something

and it would get messy.

- Super messy.
- Right.

So the fact that you're
not attracted to me

is a benefit because
we don't have to worry

about getting messy.

Quick pinch.

Ow!

So wait.

You are not attracted
to me, either?

Absolutely not.

Okay.

- Do you want me to be?
- No.

Obviously, not.

I'm just surprised
this is the first time

us "banging"
has occurred to you.

I didn't say that.

You've never thought about it?

I mean, you have the only
penis for a million miles.

See?

There you go.

So let's keep this
dry and clean.

And if it starts to hurt,
you let me know ASAP.

Okay?

Yep.

So was this a debate, or are
you making a formal proposal?

Ah, it's a debate.

Unless I'm convincing you,

then we definitely
should do it.

My point still stands.

How so?

Well, we're not
attracted now,

but if we started having sex,

even if we just said
it was "banging,"

our hormones
would eventually take over

and we would
emotionally attach.

And when you say attach,
you mean fall in love?

Sure.

That's the whole reason why
arranged marriages work.

Maybe you think
the other person's gross

when you meet them, but your
brain knows you're stuck.

Biology takes over.

You're such a romantic.

Dude, it's science.
You are a scientist.

Yeah, and as a scientist,
I can point out

all sorts
of evolutionary benefits

to emotional connection.

But that doesn't mean I think
love is a chemical reaction.

No, not at all.

People are meant
to be together.

And it has nothing to do with
scent or a primal instinct

or unavoidable circumstances,
it's just...

I don't know, they just, like,
belong together, you know?

Oh, sorry.
Is this... is this on?

Okay.

Lame.

Can I get a lame?

Uh, yes, because we are
all just robots.

Yeah, and by your logic,
it doesn't matter

if we have sex or not,
because we're emotionally

attached anyhow, because our
monkey brains will tell us

that's our best chance
at survival.

Or one of us kills
the other to gain full control

over our limited resources.

What's number two?

Reason number two.

We're both married.

Like I was saying, I don't
see what the problem is.

You don't think the fact
that we're both married

should have an impact
on whether we sleep together?

I mean, granted,
I haven't read

my marriage license in a while,

but I'm sure
being adrift in space

with no hope of rescue
gives you a hall pass.

Okay, first of all, there's
not no possibility of rescue.

We literally talked
about this yesterday.

That was two weeks ago.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Man, time out here
is whacked.

Look, maybe we don't
get saved,

but I, for one,
still think we can fix this.

Ah, how's that
working out for you?

You know,
I'm so glad you asked,

because it would be better
if someone helped.

There are hundreds
of wires over there.

That means there's billions
of possible combinations.

It's a waste of time.

What else
am I supposed to be doing?

Okay. You have a hall pass.

I don't want one.

What, because your brain
chemically reacts with Todd's?

Tom and I have been
together since college

and we are very committed
to each other.

And how much of that time did
you spend deployed or in space?

What has that got to do
with anything?

I had a job to do.

Okay. All right. Sorry.

And are you seriously going
to claim to love Atlanta...

Savannah.

More than I love Tom,
while you are

begging me to cheat with you?

I'm not begging you
to do anything.

This is a debate between
friends to pass time.

Okay, flip them.

- Both?
- Yep.

All right.

Testing navigation.

Error. Navigation failed.

Test fail.

Testing comms.

Error.

Please contact your nearest
NASA representative.

Test fail.

Mm.

Why didn't they just label
these goddamn wires?

- How's your cut doing?
- It's fine.

You know what
you wanna watch tonight?

I don't know.
Something upbeat?

- "Princess Bride"?
- Ugh.

Huh? What?

I've watched it, like,
a thousand times.

Well, let's watch it 1,001.
It works.

Plus you always spend
the whole next day all...

Hello.
My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father.
Prepare to die.

I'm really not seeing
the problem here.

Can we please just try
something different?

I have, like, ten movies
we haven't watched at all yet.

Okay, all right. Okay.

Great. Thank you.

Ooh, "Alien"?

Never seen it.

You have never seen "Alien"?

I've never seen it, no.

Bro, you are in
for a serious treat.

Oh, my God.

Sweet. Okay.

Oh, Sigourney Weaver.

I know.

Why the hell
did we watch that movie?

Can you walk me
to the bathroom?

Yeah. Okay, sure.

Hey.

Ha?

What are you doing?

- Sleeping.
- You didn't hear me call you?

I'm scared.

And I don't think
the girls can protect me,

so I think I'ma just
sleep in here?

Whatever. Just stop talking.

Okay.

Use this.

Make a wall, your side.

Not doing anything.

Oh.

Good morning, Jane.

It's day 1,022.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

So those squishy
round thingamabobs

that were pressed
against my chest, I guess...

Yeah, yep, my boobs.

Um, when you came in,
I may have forgotten

my general lack of clothing.

Yeah.

Are you feeling better
after...

Oh, stop it.

I'm fine.

Well...

Get out of here.
- Right. Thanks.

Chickies, Gertie.

All right. Now sit.

Sit.

One, two, go get!

Come on.

So I've been thinking
about the other morning.

How you squished
your boobs against me.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

It was pretty great, right?

Okay.

Come on, let me
look at your leg.

Come on.

Look at that.
- Told you.

Yeah.

It's 'cause of my mad
hydrogen peroxide skills.

So, like, from a mental
health perspective,

skin on skin contact
is crazy good for you.

Increased serotonin
and dopamine and oxytocin,

lowered blood pressure.

Is this your
excessively clinical way

of telling me you wanna
naked cuddle more?

Well, I mean...

What are your thoughts?

Well, I'm just surprised
that you're so willing

to cede the moral high ground.

Moral high ground?
It's a mental health issue.

For you, but it's
a stress relief issue for me.

So if we get
to cuddle naked, then I...

So, like, cuddling is on the
same sliding scale as banging?

I'm glad you agree.

So we shouldn't do either?

That's not where
I expected that to go.

Sorry.

Shall we?

We haven't discussed
reason number three.

What's three?

You could knock me up.

So you don't have
birth control?

Well, I had an IUD, but it
was giving me weird cramps,

so Benson removed it from me

before the, you know...

both: The crazy.
- Yeah.

There's no condoms
or Plan B in Medical?

Amazingly,
the government didn't send

three married astronauts
into space

with a supply of condoms.

Bad planning.

No, it's like the gray wire
situation all over again.

Totally.

Let's just say, like,
for argument's sake,

you did get knocked up,

would it be that bad?

I said for argument's sake.

You want to raise a child
adrift in space?

It's beautiful out here.

All of our life support
and food sources

are self-sustainable.
We have movies.

What kid doesn't like space?

So you're losing your mind.

I didn't wanna say it,
but it should be mentioned.

As long as we've been out here
with all the radiation,

you're probably sterile anyway.

What?

You're such a jerk.

I told you
I didn't wanna say it!

I mean, can you believe it?

All the man can
think about is sex.

And before you say anything,
yes, obviously,

I think about it too.

Did I turn four different
electric drills into vibrators?

That was more about innovation.

You've gotta be
rational about it, you know?

He's like my big brother
and my little sister.

Yo, and he's kind
of like my dog.

Am I really supposed to believe

that he's not into this?

Really? Come on.

And all these quote, unquote,
"reasons" she's throwing out

is complete BS.

And even if we did
make it home,

which we're not, by the way...

There's no way Savannah
wouldn't understand that.

Yeah, I think
about it every day.

Work is good.

Not to brag,
but I am kind of rocking

this whole mayor thing.

I got the funding for the
universal lunch program,

so yay.

I don't like that
I'm living without you,

but I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you,
and I'm proud of me.

Oh, and I may have killed
that fern in the kitchen,

so you should probably
get back

because you're the only one

with the green thumb
around here.

Even the plants miss you.

I'd be devastated
if she waited for me.

She deserves better than that.

Hi.
Hey, how's it going up there?

Are you going nuts
on that tiny little shuttle?

So many questions.

Tom would love it up here.

Are you kidding me?

Sitting around watching
movies every night,

it's like his heaven.

I was always like,
let's go for a hike,

let's try a new restaurant
or take a road trip.

I did screw up
the universal remote again,

and now the sound
of the TV doesn't work.

That's gonna have to wait.

I think he was hoping
this mission

would be, like,
my ultimate adventure,

and then I would come home
and finally be able to just...

Be.

All right, I love you,
and I can't wait to see you.

Have a blast.

End of message.

Hi.
How's it going up there?

Are you going nuts
on that tiny little shuttle?

My very last Pop-Tart.

Mmm.

We add that to the list
of things I'll never do again.

If he could see me now...

Shut up.

I need some music.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

No.

Adam!

- You hurt yourself?
- Um...

it's just so weird.

I can't... my music's
not working.

Let me see it.

Oh.

I tried that.

Oh, no.

Don't say that. What?

It says the root file
for your music is corrupted.

Okay, well, fix it.

- Well, that was... I mean...
- Fix it.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

No, no. Come on.

I don't think I can do this.

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

I still have my music, right?
You like Sinatra, right?

Garth Brooks?

No, I can't
listen to your music.

Your music sucks!
- No.

I mean,
you like Kenny Rogers, right?

- What?
- You like Eminem?

Who's your favorite singer?

Um.

Lionel Richie.

Lionel Richie.
Good, good, good, good, good.

What's your favorite
Lionel Richie song?

- "All Night Long."
- "All Night Long," okay.

Here we go.

Whoa.

Doesn't work.

# Whoa #

# Well, my friends,
the time has come #

# To raise the roof
and have some fun #

# Throw away your work
to be done #

Come on.

# Let the music
play on, play on #

# Everybody sing,
everybody dance #

# Lose yourself
in one romance #

# We're going to party,
karamu #

Fiesta forever.

# Come on and sing along #

both: # All night long #

# All night, all night #

# All night long #

# All night #

# All night long, all night,
all night #

# All night long #

# All night, all night #

Yeah!

# Once you get started,
you can't sit down #

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

# Everyone's dancing
their troubles away #

# Come join our party,
see how we play #

You wanna hang?

Hey!

You flinched
and you're cheating.

# Tam bo li de say
de moi ya #

# Yeah, jambo, jambo #

# Way to parti, oh, we goin' #

# Oh, jamboli #

# Tam bo li de say de moi ya #

This might be
your best work yet.

Thank you.

You know what you want?

I don't know.

Just something cool right here.

Who's your favorite,
me or Adam?

I know what's the answer.

And I won't tell him.

Okay, I won't tell him.

Are you juggling our eggs?

Feed the input
and output for me, please.

Input.

- Mm-hmm.
- 000.

- Okay.
- 010.

100.

It's gonna flower soon.

I can feel it.

I believe you.

And we can get high off
these amazingly juicy berries.

And when I get back to Earth,
I'll be a billionaire.

Well, you'll still
have to cook it.

What?

THC and weed needs to be
heated in order to activate.

So you're gonna have to,
you know, like,

bake it or smoke it.

Like, you can't just eat one
of these weeds and get stoned.

But you know, maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe you made the first
raw plant ever to get you high.

Hey, it's still gonna be great.

Don't look. Don't look.
Don't look.

What is it?

Dude, are you ready for this?

Yes, what is it?

- No peeking!
- Jeez!

Okay, it's probably thicker
than the real thing

and not as dry and crumbly,
but what do you think?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Oh. Here.

# I told the woman
it was high time #

# I picked it up
and walked the line #

# Don't want to have
to look back, no, no #

# And say that I never tried #

You know what,
country music is not that bad.

What?

We should get her out of here.

I don't want
the girls to see her.

Do we have to?

It would be crazy not to.

But we didn't eat Benson.

Benson was a person.

Gertie was here
for food purposes.

For milk purposes.

How much
do we have left, anyway?

I think we only have, like,
12 pints left in the freezer.

But now we also have
50-plus meals worth of meat.

Together.

One.

Two.

both:
Three.

- That's so good.
- Oh, my God.

Mama mia.
- Oh.

Oh, zut alors.

Come on.

I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

It was a mistake.

Yeah, but what if
you have a mistake?

I won't.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You haven't asked
to bang in while.

Well, technically,
I never asked.

It was more of a debate.

Yeah. Okay.

So for the sake of debate,

what would
your theoretical stance

be on everything but?

You mean, like, hand stuff?

Yeah.

And mouth stuff?

Everything but.

That you could, you know,
hypothetically think of.

Well, hypothetically,

I'd wanna make sure
you were sure.

I mean, I still have
my husband,

but he's still
a billion miles away.

And it's just a matter
of time before something vital

on the ship breaks
that we can't fix.

Plus, you are hot.

And I've have seen
the outline of your penis

when you wear gym shorts,

and I feel like
it wouldn't disappoint.

Wow, we're being
honest today.

But it isn't just me, right?

Like, you are
attracted to me too?

Theoretically?

No, do you
find me attractive?

Yeah. Very.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Yeah, okay.

So did you just go
from pretty sure to sure?

There is one other thing.

What's that?

Okay, so I'm not saying
this romantically,

so please don't get it twisted.

Oh, boy.

But you are literally
my entire world.

- Oh!
- Shut up.

You are my only friend.

You're my only coworker.

You are the only person
who can check

that weird ass mole for me.

So what if you're bad at sex?

I'm serious.

Like, what if we do it
and you can't find my clit

and you're, like, one of
those sweaty, dripping dudes

who always has to be on top,

and then I have to call it off,
and then things get weird,

and this awesome thing
we have going on gets ruined.

Okay. All right. Stop. Stop.

First of all,
I love the clit, okay?

We're best friends.

Second of all...

we're still just talking
about banging, right?

- Yeah, right.
- Okay.

So if one of us wants
to stop, we just stop.

No hard feelings.

No explanations needed.

None asked for.

- Yeah?
- Totally.

Promise?

I promise on my
delicious dead goat.

Our delicious dead goat.

Okay.

Okay.

So what did we just decide?

I think we just decided
to try everything but.

Oh, wow.

Just... okay.

So, right now?

I guess.

Actually, you know what?

I haven't done any
personal maintenance

in, like, a really long time.

Do you think we could
do it tomorrow night?

I'll check my calendar.

- Cool.
- Dope.

- Sick.
- Looking forward to it.

It's a date.

Be there or be square.

Coolio.

Slamming.

Good morning, Jane.

It's day 1,051.

Oh.
- Whoa.

- Lieutenant.
- Captain.

Okay, what about this?

No.

Ow.

No?

Nope.

Are you sleepy? 'Cause I'm not.

No.

Yo, you look good tonight.

No.

I'm still gonna try.

Comms fail.

Yo, Earth.

We miss you, bruh.

Navigation engaged.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Fuck.

We have navigation.

Yeah.

But no comms.

We don't need comms
to get home.

So you can fly us home?

Yeah.

How long would it take?

Three weeks.

So I guess...

Ow.

Are you okay?

What's this?

Oh.

Let me show you.

# Looking for that
good stuff #

# Why don't you tighten up
on your back stroke? #

# Looking for that
good stuff #

Oh, my God!

# Looking for that
good stuff #

# Why don't you tighten up
on your back stroke? #

# Looking for that
good stuff #

I'm gonna have to get up
and pee in, like, 30 seconds.

Shh. Shh, shh.

If this gets infected
and I die before we get home,

I'm gonna haunt you so hard.

Understandable.

It's gonna be a hard one
to explain to the husband.

Yeah, well, we'll cross
that bridge when we get to it.

It's weird, right?

Totally.

Do you think there will be,
like, flying cars and stuff?

We've only been gone
for three years.

Still.

I think it'll be
exactly the same.

And completely different.

What are you
looking forward to most?

Mm.

Floating down Alcorn River.

Having my music back.

Never eating another egg for
the rest of my goddamn life.

- Preach.
- You?

I'm looking forward
to hugging Savannah.

Can I say that?

Yeah, of course.

She's your wife.

I know, but we're...

I can't wait to see Tom.

I mean, he probably waited
a dignified three months

before marrying
a nice, stable farm girl

and filling her full of babies.

You think?

I don't know.

It would just be nice
to get off this dumb rocket.

Get back to life.

Can we still be
best friends when we get back?

Please?

Like you said, you've been my
entire world for three years.

Your world's about to get
a lot bigger.

# Every star
shivers in the dark #

# I've been shooting
with a heavy, heavy heart #

# Talking to losers
at the stadium #

# Telling them it's all right,
let's have some fun #

# Why can't I have some fun? #

# Why can't I have some fun? #

# Shaping the clay
in the dark pre-dawn #

# God made man
to love someone #

# Why can't I love someone? #

# Why can't I love someone? #

# I'd like to love someone #

# Making my way
through the grocery... #

Hey!

# So I feel for you #

# I work in service too #

# Alameda street-side
prison tower #

# A man pressed his hand
on the window #

# I waved a little while #

# I waved a little while #

# I'm gonna love someone #

# I'm gonna love someone #

Goodbye.

The successful return
of Captain Kwan

and lead science officer
Adam Gherrity

is cause for celebration
the world over.

And perhaps none will be more
elated than their spouses,

Tom Campbell
and Governor Savannah Gherrity,

who are en route as we speak.

Governor?

At the same time,
we are saddened

to learn of the passing
of lead medical officer

Megan Benson, who passed away
early in the mission

from as-yet-unknown causes.

What do you think happened?

Uh...

No, no, Benson, stop! Benson!

Uh, she passed in her sleep.

And as far as we can tell,

it was either cardiac arrest
or an aneurysm.

I'm sure you all have
endless questions.

Captain Kwan,
Lieutenant Gherrity?

Adam?

Savvie.

Hi.

One more question.
One question.

Let's go home.

What are you gonna do first?

Hi.
So next up is the MRI.

They're just getting set up.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yep.

Hi.

Tom.

Um.

Hi.

Oh.

Wait. Wait one second.

Uh, if you have gone and pulled
a "Castaway" on me

and married someone else,
totally cool.

Just tell me now
because I don't think

I could actually do...
- No.

No?

Still here.

Didn't you think I was dead?

Do we have to do this now?

Yeah, I mean, why not?

What else is there
to talk about?

I mean, I wanna know.

After about a year, my sister
set me up with someone.

Sure.

And then...

there were three or four
other short things after that.

They... they... they just... they...

Nothing ever took.

They couldn't hold
a candle to you.

Sorry about the whole
kiss attack thing earlier.

I was just really excited
to see you.

And I had my team
in my head just telling me

what an important moment
this was,

and everything had to go
just right, and...

inside, I was just terrified.

Of what?

I don't know.

Three years is a long time.

Yeah.

I really didn't think I was
ever gonna see you again.

Same.

God knows what you must think
of all this governor stuff.

No, because I feel like
I need to explain this to you

because listen,
when you disappeared,

there was suddenly
this spotlight on me.

And I couldn't just go out
and have death rebound sex

like a normal person.

I had to just play the part
and meet the expectations,

and I was stuck.

All I had was my work.

So then this opportunity to run
came up, and I just took it.

Listen, babe,
I'm proud of you.

- You are?
- Yeah.

So here, you have the
marijuana kush or flower.

Here, you have the blueberry,
luscious, wholesome.

She was, like,
screaming at Adam...

coming toward, um...

# Can't you see? #

# And do you ever #

# Dream of me? #

# Please just listen #

We have one
that goes like this.

Slower.

And it's erratic,

but that's what I like
about it.

You wanna try?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm okay.

Just...
both: Just happy to be home.

Where is this guy?

They run out of ink?

It's NASA, don't... don't they
have printers here?

Sign these papers.

Sign this paper.

It doesn't feel real.

- I'm here.
- I know.

I'm so sorry.

We just need a few more
security guards out there

to help keep the press at bay.

- No worries.
- Not a problem.

I promise it's gonna
start feeling normal soon.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm so glad
we didn't miss you guys.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

It's so good to see you, Jane.

- You too, Savannah.
- Hi.

That farewell dinner
feels like a lifetime ago.

Oh, my God, yeah,
two lifetimes ago.

- I know.
- Hey.

Hey. How's it going?

Thanks for taking care
of my girl.

More like
she took care of me.

I'm keeping the girls.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- The girls?
- The hens.

That's what we call the hens.
- Oh.

Unless you guys want some.

- Oh, um...
- Why not?

We've got the space.
- I don't know.

You know, if I deployed...
- Come on.

You guys are international
space heroes now.

Your deployment days
are behind you.

I mean, you're celebrities.
- Okay, okay.

It's just they make a mess.
- Wait, wait, wait.

How much of a mess
are we talking about here?

Oh, no, they're great.
They're great.

I'm really glad
you're taking them.

I wanted to take Benson home,
but they said no, so...

Okay, so your discharge
papers are ready now.

- All right.
- Hey, you know what?

Why don't Tom and I
handle this?

You guys just take a minute.
Say goodbye.

- Oh.
- Yeah. I got it.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.

Ate a Pop-Tart this morning.

Oh, yeah? How was it?

Well, after your homemade
ones, I'm a little ruined.

Mm, well.

I'll get you the recipe.

All you need is a steady supply
of fresh,

unpasteurized goat's milk.

So I'll hear from you.

Yeah, of course.
I mean, we'll see each other.

We've got interviews
coming up...

Not like that.

Will you be a part of my life?

No.

Come on.

Just a phone call
every now and then, you know?

Old friends
checking up on each other.

Adam, we were stuck
in a box for three years,

and it messed with our heads.

And now we're out of that box.

This is real.

Up there, it wasn't real.

You ready?

Huh. Yeah.

So, well, bye.

- See you guys.
- Bye.

See you, Adam.

Discharged.
- Discharged.

We're on in five, four,
three, two...

Adam, the world
wants to know.

How did you survive in space?

Well, that's
a loaded question.

Yeah.

We basically had a living,
breathing ecosystem

on the ship, so we were able

to sustain our own food,

and the ship created oxygen.

And we, um,

we made our way through it.

He was just circling
the grocery parking lot.

Is this the
parking lot story again?

- Over and over.
- Come on.

I wanna, like, close it.
There we go.

So what have the two of you
been doing to reconnect,

I mean, after three years?

Well, we've been trying
to make up

for lost time, you know?

And my wife's the governor.

Yeah, so that's a little...
different.

Yeah, you know what, Frank?
I don't wanna hear it.

This bill's gonna go through
with or without you.

So you can either choose to be
on the side of the poor kids

who wanna learn their colors
and their goddamn ABCs

or you can cast a losing vote
against equal access

to education and deal
with the voters in November.

Good choice, Frank.

Hi.
- You know, this isn't fair.

- What?
- I orbit Jupiter,

I come home, and I'm still
a schlub in this relationship.

Yeah, well, you're my schlub.

Uh, Governor.

You know, this one
is my favorite.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I thought you hated tattoos.

Well, yeah,
normally I do, but...

all of these, they're like...

you know, like a map of your
grand adventure up there.

I like that.

I can just, boop, boop.

Hello.

What was your favorite part?

Um...

I guess the dancing.

Adam made a surprisingly
good dance partner.

That's good.

I'm guessing the worst part
was losing Benson, right?

You know, I actually
never asked.

Who found her? Was it you?

No.

Adam found her.
- Good.

What do you think
about going on a trip?

A trip?

Yeah, Iceland,
to see the northern lights.

Iceland, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, sure.

But, I mean, I... I...

it feels like
you just gone back

and you're ready
to leave again so soon?

Oh, no, I just,

um, thought it would be
a nice way to reconnect.

No, ah...

I'm sorry.

Look, of course
you wanna go on a trip.

I keep forgetting
that you were trapped

in a box
for the last three years.

Yeah.

We can go on a trip, anywhere
you want, just you and me.

# To keep from crying,
I be talking... #

And how are you getting on
now that you're home?

Um, very well. Thank you.

I'd imagine the boredom
would be the worst bit.

You know, we never really
experienced boredom.

There was always things to do.

For instance?

Well, uh,
we would bet on chicken races,

tried to write
the next great pop song.

We would invent handshakes.

And I spent quite a bit of time
trying to crossbreed

a marijuana blueberry plant.

Actually, still working
on that one.

Marijuana's still legal, right?

As long as I'm governor.

# I know the feeling #

# When I feel like I'm dying #

# I put my baby's picture
in bed with me #

# Then I feel fine #

# But I wanna know #

# Oh, I wanna know #

# Why can't she be #

# Just another woman #

# That I've loved
in my past? #

# Oh, oh #

# Oh, oh, oh #

# How long is the heartache
supposed... #

Excuse me, ma'am.
Can you help me?

I think I may have
dropped something.

Um, sure.

Ew!

So one of them
pooped on my shoe.

Are you sure it was them?

Was it you?

Come on.
Poop is a sign of love.

Stop it.

I think we need to talk about
moving the coop outside.

Baby, they're
indoor chickens.

That's all they know.
- They're chickens.

I feel like they'll adjust.

# Well, my friends,
the time has... #

I'm sorry this is
taking so long.

Just ten more minutes, okay?

That's fine.

Do you maybe wanna take
this dance class with me?

You know I have two left feet.

Come on. I'd kill myself.

All right.

Who's Amber?
- She's nobody.

What's she wanna talk about?

I don't know.

Okay.

We, um,

we went on a few dates.

Okay. Recently?

How many dates?

Five or six.

Tom, you need to call her.

Why?

I mean, you had a
relationship with this person.

She deserves to know
where you are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Babe, no. No.

I definitely did not have
a relationship with...

Maybe we should talk
to her together.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, like,
maybe that would help.

Help what?

I mean, it's not her fault
that your wife

miraculously returned
after three years.

I mean, what is
she supposed to do?

Act like nothing happened,
like you didn't have

a meaningful connection,

like it wasn't going somewhere?

Like...
- Jane, Jane.

What?

What's happening?

Um...

I slept with Adam.

Oh.

Okay, so we got 15 minutes
for this meet and greet,

and then, we head
into the event.

Okay?

Okay.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Just been going nonstop
since I got back.

I know.

I don't know, maybe we could
pull back a little bit,

find some time to talk.

We could talk right now.

Baby, I'm the governor.

I have responsibilities.
I can't just stop.

Yeah, your job is meet
and greets and fundraisers.

Yeah, that's the job.

What?

What is it
that you wanna talk about

that we can't talk about
right now?

I don't know, maybe the time
Benson tried to kill me

and Jane had to axe her
in the back to save my life.

God is that what you
wanna talk about?

No.

See, I think I know what
you wanna talk about, but...

I really don't
wanna talk about it.

So if you could just
tell me that it's over,

maybe that would be enough.

It is.

Good.

Are we good?

Yeah.

I'll see what I can cancel
over the next few weeks, okay?

Thank you.

There is one thing
we can't avoid, though.

- What?
- Eh.

Hi, Jane. You look lovely.

Thank you. So do you.

Long time.

It's been nine days.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

Man, I guess time's
messed up here, too, right?

Where's your sweet husband?

Oh, um...

the story for tonight
is that he has the flu.

But we are actually
splitting up.

- Wait, you're what?
- Yeah. I know.

It must sound...

And Tom, he really is perfect.

I think when we got married,
I thought that would be enough,

you know,
the fact that we make sense

for each other or something.

But we just never really fit.

And as much as we wanted to,
it just wasn't meant to be.

Wow.

Poor Tom.

Oh, he is better off.

I'm sure.

Oh, I didn't mean that
how it sounded.

I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

Well, don't let us
keep you from mingling.

Yeah, right, um...

Okay.

So what I usually do is
crumble the Pop Tarts

into the eggs and scramble.

Yeah, every Halloween.

Little astronaut.

What were you...

Madame President.

I understand you both
are excellent dancers.

- Oh.
- Uh, um...

- No.
- Please.

Won't you honor us
with a dance?

- I don't think...
- Oh, no, I feel...

I insist.

Of course.

# I wanted
to be with you alone #

# And talk about the weather #

# But traditions I can trace #

# Against the child
in your face #

# Won't escape my attention #

# You keep your distance
with a system of touch #

# And gentle persuasion #

# I'm lost in admiration #

# Could I need you
this much? #

# You're wasting my time #

# You're just wasting time #

# Something happens
and I'm head over heels #

# I never find out #

# Till I'm head over heels #

# Something happens
and I'm head over heels #

# Oh, don't take my,
don't break my heart, don't #

# Don't throw it away #

That was great.

Well, we are so glad
that you're back.

It's been great.

And that waltz,
you were wonderful.

- Thank you, Madame President.
- I told you you would be.

Happy campaigning to you.

I know you'll do
a wonderful job for your state.

They're lucky to have you.
- Thank you.

Well, take care.

Thank you.

Just say it.

I love you.

You're an asshole.

What happened up there?

Nothing.

And everything.

It's okay.

I mean, it's not okay.

Can I...

Tell Jane I hate her.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hey.

Where's Savannah?

She left.

Oh.

She wanted me to let you know
that she hates you.

She does?

Yeah.

Why is that?

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay. So...

Is this just, like,
an elaborate ploy

for my Pop-Tart recipe?

Shh.

You wanna get a drink?

You know,
we should probably...

Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?

- No.
- You touched your stomach.

So?

We had all that
unprotected sex.

Oh, is this why
you're choosing me?

'Cause bro,
if this is just, like,

your biological urge
to procreate...

Oh, God, no.

I choose you.

And not because I chemically
attached, which I did.

And not because I wanna
have your babies, which I do.

It's because we're meant to be.

Lame.

We're all robots.

Yeah.

What I was gonna say this,
we should probably

keep this on the down-low
for a little while.

Right. Down low.

You don't wanna cause a stir.

- No stir.
- No stir.

Do you wanna go on a trip?

Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So this might be crazy,
but...

what do you think
about renting "Aliens"?

You wanna
watch "Alien" again?

No, "Aliens."

The second one.

They made anoth...
oh, hell... absolutely not.

No.
- Come on.

That's, like, our movie.

Let's watch "Casablanca."

Okay. We can watch both.

You wanna make it
a double feature?

Perfect... the double feature
will be "Casablanca"

and "The Princess Bride."

Okay, why don't we
shut your dumb mouth

and we watch "Aliens"?
- Okay.

With the double feature
of "Casablanca."

We can talk through it.

And you have to press
your boobs against me.

Mm.

Deal.

# Wait for the break
when we get some rain #

# Swim in the creeks
that the New Deal laid #

# Can't break even
but can't complain #

# Pushed right back
to try it again #

# Born with devotion #

# Pushed into motion,
God, don't stop #

# Making it harder #

# Ooh, all the time #

# Just wanna move
to Virginia #

# Get a dog and a house
with a human name #

# Call me Linda Tomorrow #

# Give me something
to dance to in 6/8 #

# Wait for the break
when we get some rain #

# Under the lights
of the TVA #

# Can't break even
but can't complain #

# Pushed right back
to try it again #

# Wait for the break
when we get some rain #

# Swim in the creeks
that the New Deal laid #

# Can't break even
but can't complain #

# Pushed right back
to try it again #

# They get you to give it up #

# They want you to give #

# They get you to give it up #

# They want you to #