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1
00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:09,458
[whimsical music playing]
2
00:00:11,458 --> 00:00:13,166
- [Caleb] New pens.
- Check.
3
00:00:13,916 --> 00:00:16,000
- College-ruled notebooks.
- Check.
4
00:00:16,001 --> 00:00:18,165
{\an8}- [Caleb] Updated name tag.
- [Pete] Check.
5
00:00:18,166 --> 00:00:20,708
Non-sexual lubricant for the handle.
6
00:00:20,791 --> 00:00:22,333
Non-sexual check.
7
00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:26,000
A boy and his logic rock
preparing for the first day of school.
8
00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:27,750
What could be more perfect?
9
00:00:27,833 --> 00:00:30,583
Aah, no! My backpack! My backpack!
10
00:00:30,666 --> 00:00:33,875
Well, if you, uh, line it up properly,
it should slide back in.
11
00:00:33,958 --> 00:00:35,375
I'm doing that, Pete!
12
00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:37,333
Oh shoot, did your backpack break?
13
00:00:37,334 --> 00:00:38,832
What does it look like, Mama?
14
00:00:38,833 --> 00:00:42,041
Well, okay, we can handle this.
Maybe it's time to get a new one?
15
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,541
A new backpack?
16
00:00:43,625 --> 00:00:45,625
But it's your security object!
17
00:00:45,708 --> 00:00:47,333
Has she gone insane?!
18
00:00:47,416 --> 00:00:50,083
No, no! I need this backpack!
19
00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:53,250
Yeah, o-okay, hold on, folks.
Your mom has the right idea.
20
00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:56,000
We can, uh, get the exact same model
and everything.
21
00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:59,375
Okay, Mama, I will get a new backpack.
22
00:00:59,458 --> 00:01:01,375
That's great. We'll go to the mall
23
00:01:01,376 --> 00:01:03,540
after your weekly coffee hang
with Matthew.
24
00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:06,958
You're going to the mall?
But it's so loud and bright in there!
25
00:01:07,041 --> 00:01:09,208
And there are often too many people.
26
00:01:09,291 --> 00:01:12,291
Well, what's the best way
to prepare for such a situation?
27
00:01:12,375 --> 00:01:13,541
Stress diarrhea?
28
00:01:13,625 --> 00:01:15,416
No, a plan.
29
00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,791
That's right. Now, walk me through it,
Ocean's Eleven style.
30
00:01:18,792 --> 00:01:21,082
[Caleb] We park
on the south side of the mall,
31
00:01:21,083 --> 00:01:22,250
staying far away
32
00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:26,208
from Desiree's Bright Lamp,
Perfume, and Speaker Emporium.
33
00:01:26,291 --> 00:01:28,458
[Pete] Avoiding sensory overload. Classic.
34
00:01:28,459 --> 00:01:30,749
[Caleb] The walk will take
approximately six minutes.
35
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:35,666
{\an8}Hey-o! Just enough time for a quick detour
through Veronica's Closet.
36
00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:36,958
Not now, Maury.
37
00:01:37,041 --> 00:01:39,583
We can think about that at 8:30 p.m.
38
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,458
That is when I masturbate.
39
00:01:41,541 --> 00:01:43,771
[Pete] Then we enter
Dick's Sporting Goods.
40
00:01:43,772 --> 00:01:46,957
[Caleb] Mama will purchase
the Sportalite Roadster Extreme,
41
00:01:46,958 --> 00:01:48,208
model 118,
42
00:01:48,291 --> 00:01:52,166
and then we will celebrate
at Wetzel's Pretzels.
43
00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:53,916
- Yay.
- Gotta love a plan.
44
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,333
Okay, I feel prepared.
45
00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:58,332
Hey, if you're getting a new backpack,
46
00:01:58,333 --> 00:02:01,208
does that mean
we can finally fuck the old one?
47
00:02:01,291 --> 00:02:02,958
8:30, Maury.
48
00:02:03,041 --> 00:02:05,208
That's not a no.
49
00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:07,499
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
50
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:13,041
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
51
00:02:16,958 --> 00:02:22,708
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
52
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,124
{\an8}♪ Oh ♪
53
00:02:24,125 --> 00:02:25,416
{\an8}♪ In my life ♪
54
00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:29,833
{\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
55
00:02:34,708 --> 00:02:35,758
[songs fades]
56
00:02:38,333 --> 00:02:40,208
Oh, it's gonna be so great.
57
00:02:40,291 --> 00:02:44,708
One last classic sleepover with the boys
before we start high school.
58
00:02:44,791 --> 00:02:46,651
We may be going to different schools,
59
00:02:46,652 --> 00:02:48,915
but I've still got those cameras
in your house,
60
00:02:48,916 --> 00:02:50,875
so I'll always know what you're doing.
61
00:02:50,876 --> 00:02:53,332
{\an8}- Still don't love that.
- [doorbell rings]
62
00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:57,041
{\an8}[sobbing] I'm sorry, boys,
but seeing you both here,
63
00:02:57,125 --> 00:03:00,666
{\an8}maybe for the last time ever,
I'm overcome with emotion.
64
00:03:00,667 --> 00:03:02,582
Andrew, I can't do
a whole weekend of this.
65
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:06,041
I mean, I want to be strong
for you, Nick, I do,
66
00:03:06,125 --> 00:03:10,083
but I can't escape the thought
of Pumbaa murdering me on Monday.
67
00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:12,625
Oh, sweet Andy, just promise me this:
68
00:03:12,708 --> 00:03:14,333
when you get to heaven,
69
00:03:14,416 --> 00:03:17,416
you drop a nice big load for G-dash-D.
70
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:21,083
Okay, gentlemen,
in light of my certain demise,
71
00:03:21,166 --> 00:03:23,696
I have some personal effects
to bequeath unto you.
72
00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:28,208
Ugh. Okay, on a scale of one to cum,
how gross is the stuff in that box?
73
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:32,166
It's not gross. It's filled
with my most prized possessions.
74
00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:34,833
- To Jay, I leave my digital watch...
- Nice.
75
00:03:34,916 --> 00:03:37,833
...which works 100 feet underwater.
76
00:03:37,916 --> 00:03:40,416
This'll be perfect
when I go porta-potty diving.
77
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:41,550
And sweet Nick,
78
00:03:41,625 --> 00:03:44,500
I want you to have
my Jacob deGrom bobblehead,
79
00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:47,000
where he is dressed as a Jedi
for some reason.
80
00:03:47,083 --> 00:03:50,333
Okay, this was a free giveaway,
and I went to this game with you.
81
00:03:50,416 --> 00:03:52,875
[sobs] I know,
and this one might be yours.
82
00:03:52,958 --> 00:03:55,000
There's just so many memories.
83
00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:56,791
I'm not ready to say adieu.
84
00:03:56,875 --> 00:03:58,791
[sobbing] I'm gonna miss you so much.
85
00:03:58,875 --> 00:04:02,833
You've always been such an innovator
in the pervert sector.
86
00:04:02,834 --> 00:04:03,915
I know, I just...
87
00:04:03,916 --> 00:04:07,125
- I think up these fucking hot scenarios.
- [both sob]
88
00:04:08,083 --> 00:04:11,083
- Thanks for the ride, guys.
- Of course, Jessi.
89
00:04:11,166 --> 00:04:13,708
I love that you two independent women
90
00:04:13,791 --> 00:04:16,791
are going
back-to-school shopping together.
91
00:04:16,875 --> 00:04:19,708
Oh boy. It's taking all of my strength
92
00:04:19,791 --> 00:04:23,083
to keep myself from crying
all over this corduroy vest.
93
00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:25,833
Ugh! Let's get away
from Big Sad Boohoo Daddy
94
00:04:25,916 --> 00:04:27,375
before someone cool sees you.
95
00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:28,625
Give him a break, Mona.
96
00:04:28,708 --> 00:04:29,788
This is the first time
97
00:04:29,789 --> 00:04:32,457
I've gone back-to-school shopping
without my parents.
98
00:04:32,458 --> 00:04:36,125
It's true. Time is flying by,
and you'll never be a child again!
99
00:04:36,208 --> 00:04:39,791
Yeah. Think about it, Mona.
I'm about to start freaking high school.
100
00:04:39,875 --> 00:04:42,405
And high school is no joke,
like password sharing.
101
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:45,500
- It's really not a victimless crime.
- Uh, Missy, you coming?
102
00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:51,208
Yes, uh, I suppose I am stepping
through the gauntlet into adulthood.
103
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,125
Mm, it's actually just a sad mall
with an empty Sears.
104
00:04:54,208 --> 00:04:59,000
And an indoor play space
where kids give each other Monkeypox.
105
00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:03,625
And then, my mom and I will celebrate
with Wetzel's Pretzels.
106
00:05:03,708 --> 00:05:06,458
- That sounds like a solid plan, Caleb.
- Thank you.
107
00:05:06,459 --> 00:05:08,707
According to Best Friendships for Dummies,
108
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,208
you should ask Matthew about his life now.
109
00:05:11,291 --> 00:05:14,375
Have you done
your back-to-school shopping yet?
110
00:05:14,458 --> 00:05:15,583
Ugh, no.
111
00:05:15,584 --> 00:05:17,207
I need to give B-High Quee-Choi
112
00:05:17,208 --> 00:05:19,540
a glorious and very "Quee"
second impression,
113
00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:22,125
but I haven't figured out
how to zhuzh things up.
114
00:05:22,208 --> 00:05:25,541
You are anxious
because they look capital-F fabulous,
115
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:29,166
and you look like
that middle-aged coffee shop manager.
116
00:05:29,250 --> 00:05:31,708
Ugh, I really do need a new look.
117
00:05:31,791 --> 00:05:35,458
Ooh-hoo, can I interest you
in this vintage '70s cowboy number?
118
00:05:35,541 --> 00:05:37,541
Somebody died in it.
119
00:05:37,625 --> 00:05:40,625
That outfit is both ugly and impractical.
120
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:44,250
Oh, I thought you only wanted
to deal with me at 8:30.
121
00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:45,791
You know, Caleb,
122
00:05:45,875 --> 00:05:50,416
your brutal honesty is exactly what I need
to put together my new high school look.
123
00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:52,207
Would you come shopping with me
after this?
124
00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:56,250
Mama, can I go back-to-school shopping
with Matthew after this?
125
00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:58,083
Okay, Mister Independent.
126
00:05:58,084 --> 00:06:00,874
Maybe you could even buy your backpack
while you're there?
127
00:06:00,875 --> 00:06:03,250
- Uh...
- Warning! That's not the plan!
128
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:04,666
That's not the plan.
129
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:08,208
Well, what if we made a minor deviation,
like we've been working on?
130
00:06:08,291 --> 00:06:11,500
Minor deviations lead to major deviations,
131
00:06:11,583 --> 00:06:13,750
which lead to disaster!
132
00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:16,233
{\an8}But it says here that unplanned hangouts
133
00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:18,582
{\an8}are the number three cause
of best friendships.
134
00:06:18,583 --> 00:06:20,958
{\an8}I accept this minor deviation.
135
00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:23,375
Matthew, I will help you look more gay.
136
00:06:23,458 --> 00:06:25,416
Mm, I didn't quite mean that.
137
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,083
- Oh please, it's exactly what you meant.
- You know what, Maury? Shut up.
138
00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:31,082
[Missy] I like this jumpsuit,
139
00:06:31,083 --> 00:06:34,833
but would I have to get fully nude
to use the facilities?
140
00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:36,500
But that's the whole appeal.
141
00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:39,750
You haven't lived
until you've shat naked in a public loo.
142
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,458
Yeah! You'd feel that splash on your back.
143
00:06:42,541 --> 00:06:44,666
That's how you know
you got that good plop.
144
00:06:45,458 --> 00:06:47,708
Oh shit. It's fucking Lulu.
145
00:06:47,791 --> 00:06:49,750
Quick! Hide like a coward!
146
00:06:49,833 --> 00:06:51,250
[yelps] What the heck, man?
147
00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:52,791
Dude, Lulu's here.
148
00:06:52,792 --> 00:06:55,499
That troubled teen
who squirted you with chocolate sauce?
149
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,700
Yeah, she fucking sucks.
150
00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,720
B-t-dubs, high school's filled with Lulus.
Big scary kids in a big scary school.
151
00:07:00,791 --> 00:07:02,291
Leave her alone, Tito.
152
00:07:02,375 --> 00:07:06,083
High school's gonna be a sexy adventure.
We're gonna do nude number twos.
153
00:07:06,084 --> 00:07:08,999
I wonder what she's doing in there.
Probably shoplifting.
154
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,708
Or doing heroin off a dick. I don't know.
155
00:07:11,791 --> 00:07:13,831
High school kids are all so intimidating.
156
00:07:13,875 --> 00:07:16,541
Or creeps
just trying to score some snatch!
157
00:07:16,625 --> 00:07:19,875
- And to be clear, that's bad?
- Yes! I'm not ready for this.
158
00:07:19,876 --> 00:07:22,082
Jessi, what the fudge
are we even doing here?
159
00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:23,643
We're buying outfits for hell!
160
00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:24,916
- I guess.
- You guess?
161
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,791
I mean, yeah, the world sucks.
162
00:07:26,792 --> 00:07:29,874
There's no God, and the universe
is a cruel and unforgiving place.
163
00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:31,790
- It's nothing to freak out about.
- Wrong!
164
00:07:31,791 --> 00:07:32,707
Very wrong!
165
00:07:32,708 --> 00:07:35,125
Yeah, I'm not freaking out at all.
166
00:07:35,208 --> 00:07:37,750
I'm just gonna lock myself
in this dressing room
167
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:40,583
and not grind my teeth into dust.
168
00:07:40,584 --> 00:07:41,707
[cries]
169
00:07:41,708 --> 00:07:44,298
You know what else
turns your teeth into dust? Meth.
170
00:07:44,375 --> 00:07:47,291
Which I bet Lulu
is also doing in that dressing room.
171
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:49,083
She got a problem, Jessi.
172
00:07:49,166 --> 00:07:53,791
J. Crew, The Gap, American Eagle.
These are all so basic.
173
00:07:53,875 --> 00:07:57,375
The mall is where you go
when you want to look like everyone else.
174
00:07:57,458 --> 00:07:59,791
- Ugh, what was I thinking?
- We have arrived!
175
00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:02,625
Oh, Dick's. That reminds me of...
176
00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:04,083
No, Maury, too easy.
177
00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:06,333
No, I was gonna say
it reminds me of my dad.
178
00:08:06,416 --> 00:08:09,500
He used to bring me here
before he passed away very suddenly.
179
00:08:09,583 --> 00:08:11,263
I never got a chance to say goodbye.
180
00:08:11,333 --> 00:08:13,208
Oh my God, Maury. I'm so sorry.
181
00:08:13,291 --> 00:08:14,375
I'm just kidding.
182
00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:16,875
I was gonna say
it reminds me of cock and balls.
183
00:08:16,958 --> 00:08:18,458
- Woo!
- [grunts]
184
00:08:18,459 --> 00:08:19,540
Ha! Swish!
185
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,916
[groaning]
186
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,333
I can't believe I'm gonna die
before I learn how to dunk.
187
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,500
You were very close. It's tragic.
188
00:08:26,583 --> 00:08:29,541
Andrew, can we get real about this?
You're not gonna die.
189
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:32,082
Yeah, you're just gonna get
the shit kicked out of you
190
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,708
every day for a whole year.
191
00:08:33,791 --> 00:08:37,666
No, no, you gotta help me.
My bones are too Jewish for that.
192
00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:40,332
All you gotta do is learn
how to take an ass-kicking,
193
00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:43,166
- and thanks to my brothers, I'm an expert.
- I don't know.
194
00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:47,458
The trick is to mentally remove yourself
from your body.
195
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:49,531
- It's called a "trauma schism."
- What?
196
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:53,625
See, I have this secret cave in my mind
where I go during a beatdown.
197
00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,166
Wow, that's really sad.
198
00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:57,666
No, it's not! It's normal, and it rules!
199
00:08:57,750 --> 00:08:59,666
My mind cave has central AC,
200
00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:01,980
and I get to play UNO
with my friend, Squishy.
201
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,333
Haha! Oh shit. Draw four, Squishy.
202
00:09:05,416 --> 00:09:06,500
[groans]
203
00:09:06,583 --> 00:09:10,916
Okay, I'm with Squishy now, Andrew.
Hit me.
204
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,458
- Oh, I really don't wanna do that.
- Fuck it, I'll do it. [grunts]
205
00:09:14,541 --> 00:09:17,708
[laughing] Oh, yeah! See? I felt nothing.
206
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,708
- Whoa.
- Holy shit. It actually works?
207
00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:21,749
[laughs] I'm telling you,
all you've gotta do
208
00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:24,708
is just create
your own personal happy place
209
00:09:24,709 --> 00:09:25,790
right up here.
210
00:09:25,791 --> 00:09:29,541
And it already exists, Andrew.
That place we've always dreamed of.
211
00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:35,000
A washing machine filled with underthings
at a SUNY Binghamton sorority house.
212
00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:37,625
Oh... [laughs]
213
00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:40,041
Ladies, whose bra is this?
214
00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:43,000
It's hand-wash only. Tsk, tsk.
215
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,541
- Ah...
- Yeah, looks like he's in his perv cave.
216
00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:48,250
[laughs] Okay. Here we go.
217
00:09:48,251 --> 00:09:49,499
- [grunts]
- [groaning]
218
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,083
- Oh shit.
- Oh, it didn't work!
219
00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,291
- Oof.
- It didn't work. It didn't work.
220
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:56,805
You know, besides the fact
that Matthew is here instead of your mom,
221
00:09:56,875 --> 00:09:58,916
everything is going exactly as planned.
222
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,625
Goddamn, it feels good to be me right now.
223
00:10:01,626 --> 00:10:03,457
- Oh look, there's your backpack!
- Oh.
224
00:10:03,458 --> 00:10:04,508
Yellow, right?
225
00:10:04,583 --> 00:10:06,500
Wait, this isn't my backpack.
226
00:10:06,583 --> 00:10:08,208
Are you sure? It looks the same.
227
00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:11,666
Yes, I'm sure.
There's too much polyester in the blend.
228
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:13,750
This texture is unpleasant.
229
00:10:13,751 --> 00:10:16,499
- So coarse!
- [Caleb] The zipper has the wrong sound!
230
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,415
It's hideous!
231
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,957
They got rid of the individual
writing implement pockets.
232
00:10:19,958 --> 00:10:21,374
- No, no.
- What were they thinking?
233
00:10:21,375 --> 00:10:22,332
This bag is chaos.
234
00:10:22,333 --> 00:10:23,791
Where is my backpack?!
235
00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:25,250
Okay, don't worry.
236
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,166
Uh, excuse me? Hi.
237
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,665
Could you check the back
for older models of this bag?
238
00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:33,916
It has to be Sportalite Roadster Extreme,
item model number 118.
239
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,333
Yeah, what you see on the floor
is what we got.
240
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:37,707
- [whimpers]
- Oh God, Caleb.
241
00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:39,874
You're gonna go to high school
with no security object.
242
00:10:39,875 --> 00:10:41,665
- You'll never survive.
- This is officially...
243
00:10:41,666 --> 00:10:43,250
[all]...a major deviation!
244
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:44,582
- Not sure if this helps...
- Yeah?
245
00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:48,916
...but there is a sturdy Division One
volleyball player doing knee slides.
246
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,416
- I am in crisis.
- She's taller than your dad.
247
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,125
Okay, let's regroup.
248
00:10:53,208 --> 00:10:55,916
Um, we can get our Wetzel's Pretzels now,
249
00:10:55,917 --> 00:10:58,624
and figure out a different way
to get your backpack,
250
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,040
like the Internet or something.
251
00:11:00,041 --> 00:11:02,631
Uh, yeah, yeah, the Internet.
They have everything.
252
00:11:02,708 --> 00:11:05,208
- Hate speech!
- Drawings of naked Shrek!
253
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:06,958
- [Titos] Ah!
- Okay.
254
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:10,750
We will eat unearned pretzels
while avoiding hate speech.
255
00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:12,208
Well, that sounds fun.
256
00:11:12,291 --> 00:11:15,250
Okay, Lulu's been in there
for, like, a very long time.
257
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,791
Mm, she probably passed out from the meth.
258
00:11:17,875 --> 00:11:19,125
Oh shit, here she comes.
259
00:11:19,208 --> 00:11:22,333
Is she wearing an apron and a pussy hat?
260
00:11:22,416 --> 00:11:25,416
[gasps] That's not a pussy.
That's a pile of beef.
261
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:28,708
[laughs] Lulu must work
at the Hot Stone Beefery.
262
00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:31,166
[laughing]
263
00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:33,958
That's the shittiest job
in the whole mall!
264
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:37,625
Even worse than the lady
who gives birth to the Dippin' Dots.
265
00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:40,082
Missy, get dressed.
We've gotta go to the food court.
266
00:11:40,083 --> 00:11:44,041
[Missy] You should probably go without me
'cause I'm doing s-so fine in here.
267
00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:47,583
Okay, I'm going to the Hot Stone Beefery,
not for lunch, for revenge.
268
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:49,958
So wait, Jessi's just gonna leave me here?
269
00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:52,416
- She's abandoning you!
- Just like Elijah.
270
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,333
He was supposed to be my life raft.
271
00:11:54,416 --> 00:11:57,500
And now you're gonna drown
in a sea of loneliness!
272
00:11:57,583 --> 00:12:00,666
Get the... Get...
Get the fuck out of here, Titos.
273
00:12:00,667 --> 00:12:04,082
{\an8}No. She's the only one
telling me the truth about high school.
274
00:12:04,083 --> 00:12:05,583
That's right!
275
00:12:05,666 --> 00:12:08,500
- You'll be lonely.
- Uh, h-hello, I'm Missy.
276
00:12:08,583 --> 00:12:10,083
Would it be cool if I sat here?
277
00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:11,216
[all roaring] No!
278
00:12:11,217 --> 00:12:12,165
[grunts]
279
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,666
[screams]
280
00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:16,041
- [grunts]
- [Tito] You'll be terrified.
281
00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:17,745
Please! Please watch your step!
282
00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:20,083
There are freshmen down here! [screams]
283
00:12:20,166 --> 00:12:22,750
[Tito] And you'll be sexually targeted!
284
00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:25,166
I love flat girls.
285
00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:27,125
[Missy screams]
286
00:12:27,126 --> 00:12:29,207
What if the cafeteria only takes Bitcoin?
287
00:12:29,208 --> 00:12:31,665
What if your English teacher
asks you to read his novel?
288
00:12:31,666 --> 00:12:34,500
What if you have to poop
during an active shooter drill?
289
00:12:34,583 --> 00:12:36,916
I don't wanna poop
while hiding under a desk.
290
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,625
Missy, none of this
is actually going to happen.
291
00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:40,908
You're just spiraling!
292
00:12:40,909 --> 00:12:41,832
{\an8}The SATs!
293
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:42,957
{\an8}Parallel parking!
294
00:12:42,958 --> 00:12:44,291
College applications!
295
00:12:44,375 --> 00:12:45,750
The end of your youth!
296
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,083
[sinister voice] It's all coming.
297
00:12:48,084 --> 00:12:50,749
- Oh shit, Missy! It's happening.
- What's happening?
298
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,375
Your anxiety is turning into...
299
00:12:52,458 --> 00:12:54,000
Dread.
300
00:12:54,001 --> 00:12:55,915
- Leave her alone, Dread!
- [laughing]
301
00:12:55,916 --> 00:12:58,041
She sucks, but I like her!
302
00:12:58,125 --> 00:13:00,166
You know I can't do that, Mona.
303
00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:02,500
No! I won't let you take her!
304
00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:04,750
- [screaming] Oh shit!
- Mona!
305
00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:06,333
[Mona screams]
306
00:13:06,416 --> 00:13:10,166
- It's just you and me now, Missy.
- [whimpering]
307
00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:12,333
You and me.
308
00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:14,041
[laughing]
309
00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:18,375
I cannot find my backpack
on backpacks.com.
310
00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:20,625
And it's not on backpacks.net either.
311
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,500
Or backpacks.gov.
312
00:13:22,583 --> 00:13:25,416
The strategic backpack reserve
is depleted.
313
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,333
[Maury] Look at Ocean's cool jacket.
314
00:13:27,416 --> 00:13:30,750
This is what you should do
instead of you, you know, your bullshit.
315
00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:32,458
Ugh, they look so good.
316
00:13:32,541 --> 00:13:35,375
See, Caleb?
This is the kind of outfit I need.
317
00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:38,833
- It's bold, it's fierce, it's cunt, it's...
- My backpack!
318
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:40,916
That does look like your backpack, uh,
319
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,541
but I'm sorry, their outfit is "cunt"?
320
00:13:43,625 --> 00:13:46,708
Matthew, when and where
was that photo taken?
321
00:13:46,791 --> 00:13:48,125
Uh, a few days ago
322
00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:51,833
at a thrift store called
Nothing Past 1998.
323
00:13:51,916 --> 00:13:54,750
It's only three blocks away.
Let's go there now.
324
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,791
Really? You're okay leaving the mall?
325
00:13:56,875 --> 00:13:58,125
For my backpack,
326
00:13:58,208 --> 00:14:01,875
I would ride a crowded public bus
for one and a half hours
327
00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:03,166
with no headphones.
328
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:07,583
Wow, Caleb's so determined,
it's giving me big "yaaas cunt."
329
00:14:07,666 --> 00:14:10,375
Is that... Did I do it?
That is, did I do cunt right?
330
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,583
- Sure did, babe.
- Yes! Cunt.
331
00:14:12,584 --> 00:14:15,457
- Welcome to Hot Stone Beefery. I'm Lulu.
- [boys laughing]
332
00:14:15,458 --> 00:14:17,041
How can I... beef you today?
333
00:14:17,125 --> 00:14:18,375
[Connie laughs]
334
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,375
{\an8}Look at Lulu work that meat.
335
00:14:20,458 --> 00:14:21,625
{\an8}[boy laughs]
336
00:14:21,708 --> 00:14:24,125
Ooh, yes. She just got a tip.
337
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,000
That means she gotta do the song!
338
00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:27,166
Sing, canary.
339
00:14:27,250 --> 00:14:28,625
- Ooh!
- Oh yeah!
340
00:14:28,708 --> 00:14:31,833
♪ Before you fill your mouth
With your hot beef treat ♪
341
00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:34,386
♪ Thank you for letting me
Handle your meat ♪
342
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,416
I think she wants to sing it again.
343
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,999
- [boy] Let's go, Beef Queen.
- This is actually not fun.
344
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,291
Because she's a human with feelings?
345
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:44,115
Hey, what's your fucking problem?
346
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:47,833
[laughs] Oh, shit, you pissed off
the beef wench's daughter.
347
00:14:47,916 --> 00:14:51,333
- She's just trying to do her job.
- Whatever. Jobs are lame.
348
00:14:51,416 --> 00:14:53,041
[boys laughing]
349
00:14:53,042 --> 00:14:54,082
Hey, Lulu.
350
00:14:54,083 --> 00:14:55,333
Oh, fuck me.
351
00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:58,625
You're that "funny girl"
I drenched in chocolate sauce.
352
00:14:58,708 --> 00:15:01,500
- You're still alive?
- Yeah, I'm alive.
353
00:15:01,583 --> 00:15:04,166
And you're welcome, by the way,
for what I just did.
354
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:06,958
I don't need some loser bitch
feeling bad for me.
355
00:15:07,041 --> 00:15:08,208
Feel bad for yourself,
356
00:15:08,291 --> 00:15:10,583
- with your big greasy bangs.
- [Jessi scoffs]
357
00:15:10,666 --> 00:15:12,500
Uh, what did I do wrong here?
358
00:15:12,501 --> 00:15:14,499
- Maybe it's your conditioner?
- [clattering]
359
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,457
Oh!
360
00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:17,665
Jessi! Uh, shopping's over,
shopping's done.
361
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:20,290
- I need to go home.
- Wait, really? Is everything okay?
362
00:15:20,291 --> 00:15:24,500
Missy, I'm coming for you.
363
00:15:24,583 --> 00:15:28,041
I'm fine. I-I just, uh...
I saw... I saw blood in my stool.
364
00:15:28,125 --> 00:15:29,541
Oh fuck. That sounds bad.
365
00:15:29,625 --> 00:15:33,666
Run, Missy. Run for your life!
366
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:35,000
I gotta go!
367
00:15:35,083 --> 00:15:36,333
[panting]
368
00:15:36,416 --> 00:15:37,625
[groaning]
369
00:15:37,708 --> 00:15:39,458
Oh God, they're so cold.
370
00:15:39,958 --> 00:15:41,008
Good load today.
371
00:15:41,009 --> 00:15:43,124
{\an8}Oh man, I don't know about this, Nick.
372
00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:46,125
Come on, you tried
Jay's stupid mind cave thing.
373
00:15:46,208 --> 00:15:50,000
It's not stupid, it's Bilzerian culture!
My people come from caves.
374
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,166
Can't you idiots fucking read?
375
00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:53,708
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
376
00:15:53,791 --> 00:15:56,750
We know you would prefer us
to fuck off and/or die,
377
00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:59,458
but I have a business proposition for you.
378
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:00,666
I'm listening.
379
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:03,708
I would love for you
to beat up my bully, Pumbaa,
380
00:16:03,791 --> 00:16:05,208
and in exchange,
381
00:16:05,291 --> 00:16:10,916
I can offer you a jar of change
worth approximately 15 American dollars.
382
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,500
- No.
- Ah! Okay, sir.
383
00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:17,083
Have a marvelous day, or a terrible one,
if your sir-ness would prefer.
384
00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:18,541
Your plan sucks.
385
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,749
Pumbaa will just kick your ass
when I'm not there.
386
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:24,840
[screams] What am I supposed to do, Judd?
I'm supposed to stand up to this animal?
387
00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:27,166
I'm supposed to get mauled
by this pit bull?
388
00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:30,541
Well, when a pit bull
clamps its jaws down on you,
389
00:16:30,542 --> 00:16:31,624
what do you do?
390
00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:32,750
Um, die?
391
00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:35,750
Wrong. You stick your finger up its ass.
392
00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:39,583
So, wait, I should stick my finger
up Pumbaa's asshole?
393
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,333
- That's a metaphor, right?
- Oh no, it's real.
394
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:44,540
We do it whenever Luda
catches a neighbor's kid.
395
00:16:44,541 --> 00:16:47,125
- Wait, what?
- The trick is to not fall in love.
396
00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:50,916
Okay, I'm just gonna go on record here,
Andy. I'm team finger.
397
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,333
No one thought you weren't.
398
00:16:52,416 --> 00:16:54,416
[panting] All right, okay.
399
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,041
Thank God I'm home.
400
00:16:56,042 --> 00:16:57,832
- [ominous music playing]
- [screams]
401
00:16:57,833 --> 00:17:00,458
No, leave me alone!
What do you want from me?
402
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:04,083
- You must accept that you are doomed!
- I-I am?
403
00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:06,458
You are too sweet for this world,
404
00:17:06,541 --> 00:17:08,583
too fragile for high school.
405
00:17:08,666 --> 00:17:11,166
No, I... I love school.
406
00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:13,957
- You'll never survive there.
- It's a privilege to learn.
407
00:17:13,958 --> 00:17:18,000
And I'm lucky to be
in a well-funded school district.
408
00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:22,375
[laughs] Hang on, did I just hear
someone being grateful up in here?
409
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,166
- Gratitoad?
- Oh shit. This toad.
410
00:17:25,250 --> 00:17:27,791
Oh my gosh! I am so glad to see you!
411
00:17:27,875 --> 00:17:30,541
Aw, shucks. Well, that fills my bucket.
412
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:35,750
Do you honestly believe
that a Gratitoad can defeat Dread?
413
00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:38,750
I don't know. Does my meemaw make
the best darn rhubarb pie
414
00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:39,883
you've ever tasted?
415
00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:43,500
I... What? I don't think
I ever met your meemaw.
416
00:17:43,583 --> 00:17:47,541
Well then, sir, you're missing out,
because she is a delight.
417
00:17:47,625 --> 00:17:49,958
[snarls] This fucking frog.
418
00:17:50,583 --> 00:17:51,833
Oh.
419
00:17:51,916 --> 00:17:53,916
Yes! My backpack!
420
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,041
No! No!
421
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:59,416
That's not a backpack at all,
that's just an ugly yellow jacket!
422
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,416
Ugh. I'm sorry, Caleb.
423
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,750
I totally understand
if you're not down to help me anymore.
424
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:07,416
- Uh...
- You are very not down!
425
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:08,708
Well, h-hold on.
426
00:18:08,791 --> 00:18:11,458
Uh, according
to Best Friendships for Dummies,
427
00:18:11,541 --> 00:18:13,458
uh, best friends are always down.
428
00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:16,458
I have decided to be down.
429
00:18:16,541 --> 00:18:21,500
Okay, great, because I've already
picked out six potential outfits.
430
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,832
So this one is cottagecore
meets gutterslut.
431
00:18:23,833 --> 00:18:26,165
- [shallow breathing]
- You're feeling overwhelmed,
432
00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,458
so let's try your calming exercises.
433
00:18:28,459 --> 00:18:31,082
- Three things you can hear.
- Her period is ice cream.
434
00:18:31,083 --> 00:18:32,874
I don't get
what's so confusing about that.
435
00:18:32,875 --> 00:18:37,208
How can you hear anything
over those unbelievably loud girls?!
436
00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:38,375
Too loud!
437
00:18:38,458 --> 00:18:40,541
No, the dots are her babies.
438
00:18:40,542 --> 00:18:41,582
It hurts!
439
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,416
- What? No.
- Three things you can see.
440
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,166
But it's way too bright.
441
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,958
It's like being stabbed in the eyes
with needles!
442
00:18:49,041 --> 00:18:51,333
Caleb, three things you can touch!
443
00:18:51,416 --> 00:18:55,166
Shut up!
We're throwing logic out the window!
444
00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:58,666
Well, how do I look?
Does this scream orgy in a barn?
445
00:18:58,750 --> 00:19:01,083
Say something. Anything!
446
00:19:01,166 --> 00:19:05,083
Caleb, the book says
best friends are honest with each other.
447
00:19:05,166 --> 00:19:06,791
- You look bad!
- Ouch.
448
00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:10,000
Oh shit, uh,
unless it's gonna hurt their feelings.
449
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,958
[screams] What have you done?
450
00:19:12,041 --> 00:19:14,333
Matthew hates you now. This is a disaster!
451
00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:15,750
Caleb, are... are you...
452
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:18,250
No, I am not okay!
453
00:19:18,333 --> 00:19:20,291
[cries]
454
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:21,374
[Connie] Mmm.
455
00:19:21,375 --> 00:19:23,374
I'm sorry, how can you eat
those Dippin' Dots
456
00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:24,707
after seeing how they're made?
457
00:19:24,708 --> 00:19:26,791
- It's a good load today.
- Oh, fuck me.
458
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,416
Quick, Jessi, wash your hair!
459
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,916
Oh look, it's my hero.
Are you here to ruin my break too?
460
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,833
I'm really sorry I pissed you off, okay?
461
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:37,082
- I was just trying to be nice.
- [scoffs] Why?
462
00:19:37,083 --> 00:19:40,416
Uh, I don't know, because those guys
were fucking assholes?
463
00:19:40,417 --> 00:19:42,457
Yeah, there's a lot of assholes out there,
464
00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:44,415
and there's nothing you can do
to change them.
465
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:45,466
I know. [sighs]
466
00:19:45,541 --> 00:19:49,583
Because there's no God, and the universe
is a cruel and unforgiving place.
467
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:50,916
I completely agree.
468
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,541
- You do?
- With Jessi?
469
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,291
Yeah, that's why I get high.
470
00:19:54,375 --> 00:19:56,250
And does that, like, help or...
471
00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:57,416
For a little bit.
472
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,583
Oh my God.
473
00:19:58,584 --> 00:20:01,290
Connie, should I fucking get high
with a fucking bad girl?
474
00:20:01,291 --> 00:20:04,415
Yeah, might as well. There's nothing else
that's really worked for you.
475
00:20:04,416 --> 00:20:05,466
[Jessi] Okay.
476
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:06,499
[inhales]
477
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,457
Very smooth.
478
00:20:07,458 --> 00:20:08,625
[coughs]
479
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,125
I love the feel of drugs in my lungs.
480
00:20:11,208 --> 00:20:13,208
- [coughs]
- All right then, funny girl.
481
00:20:13,209 --> 00:20:14,832
Wanna see my stepdad's dead body?
482
00:20:14,833 --> 00:20:16,208
Oh God. [coughs] No.
483
00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:18,761
[laughs] Th-That's a no for me.
Thank you, though.
484
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:20,916
- [laughs] I'm just fucking with you.
- Oh.
485
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,458
[laughs] Funny.
486
00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:25,416
Dustin's the best.
He treats my bitch mom like a queen.
487
00:20:25,417 --> 00:20:26,415
[both laugh]
488
00:20:26,416 --> 00:20:29,625
Holy shit.
Did we just become friends with Lulu?
489
00:20:29,708 --> 00:20:31,000
I think so.
490
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:33,875
You know what that means... free beef!
491
00:20:33,876 --> 00:20:36,790
- [shallow breathing]
- All right. Now three things you can see.
492
00:20:36,791 --> 00:20:39,916
Mailbox, car, stop sign.
493
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,375
Great. Now three things you can...
494
00:20:42,376 --> 00:20:43,374
Fuck?
495
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:44,791
Maury, 8:30!
496
00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:47,250
What? Fucking is very relaxing.
497
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:50,208
You never see someone
having a panic attack in a porno.
498
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,083
[Caleb panting]
499
00:20:52,166 --> 00:20:54,625
Caleb, uh, should I...
500
00:20:54,708 --> 00:20:57,166
- Yes, please. This is helpful.
- Hm.
501
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,916
You're pretty fucked up
about this backpack, huh?
502
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,458
They don't make it anymore!
503
00:21:01,541 --> 00:21:03,666
I know, and that sucks.
504
00:21:03,750 --> 00:21:07,416
But do you trust me enough
to help you make a whole new plan?
505
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,833
Unit One, Chapter One.
506
00:21:08,916 --> 00:21:11,625
{\an8}Trust is the foundation
of a best friendship.
507
00:21:11,708 --> 00:21:15,916
I do trust you,
but I-I do not want to go back inside.
508
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,500
It's too bright and loud.
509
00:21:17,583 --> 00:21:20,291
All right. Maybe I could work on that.
510
00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:23,875
Okay, so I found panic attack porn,
and I like it,
511
00:21:23,958 --> 00:21:26,541
but maybe just because it's, like, new?
512
00:21:26,542 --> 00:21:27,624
[Andrew groans]
513
00:21:27,625 --> 00:21:31,166
Guys, I-I-I don't know
about this whole finger in the ass thing.
514
00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:33,457
I mean, how would I even
get through the pants?
515
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:37,000
Uh, you just slip your finger
down the back and fishhook it. Duh.
516
00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:38,291
Yeah. Duh.
517
00:21:38,375 --> 00:21:40,458
Hey-hey! Why don't you practice on me?
518
00:21:40,541 --> 00:21:43,541
I'll attack you, you know,
so it feels real?
519
00:21:43,625 --> 00:21:46,458
Judd was fucking with you.
He's an agent of chaos.
520
00:21:46,541 --> 00:21:49,131
And if you try this,
Pumbaa might actually kill you.
521
00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:52,666
Andrew, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't think you have any other choice.
522
00:21:52,750 --> 00:21:54,250
Nick, it's the only option.
523
00:21:54,251 --> 00:21:55,832
If I wanna survive high school,
524
00:21:55,833 --> 00:21:59,833
I must learn to stick my finger
into a bully's asshole.
525
00:21:59,916 --> 00:22:02,000
Whoo! Let's do this!
526
00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:04,125
- [Andrew groaning]
- [Jay grunting]
527
00:22:04,208 --> 00:22:06,833
I will fucking kill you.
528
00:22:06,916 --> 00:22:08,208
Oh my God, Jay, stop!
529
00:22:08,291 --> 00:22:10,833
- Andrew, the time is now!
- [Andrew groaning]
530
00:22:10,916 --> 00:22:12,291
Do it. Fulfill your destiny.
531
00:22:12,375 --> 00:22:13,425
[groaning]
532
00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:15,250
[Jay grunting]
533
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:17,875
Whoa! Ho-ho-ho!
534
00:22:17,958 --> 00:22:19,750
Wow. [laughs]
535
00:22:19,751 --> 00:22:23,249
Even though I knew it was coming,
I couldn't help but stop attacking you.
536
00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:24,625
Plus, it feels incredible.
537
00:22:24,708 --> 00:22:27,541
Oh good, okay. I need soap.
538
00:22:27,625 --> 00:22:28,765
You know what, Andrew?
539
00:22:28,833 --> 00:22:32,166
You and Pumbaa could end up,
like, really good friends.
540
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:35,000
Okay. Now, I got them to lower the lights,
541
00:22:35,083 --> 00:22:38,125
and I gave those loud teens
20 bucks to fuck off.
542
00:22:38,208 --> 00:22:41,083
- Does this work?
- The store is now handleable for me.
543
00:22:41,166 --> 00:22:42,500
[clears throat] Uh, um...
544
00:22:42,583 --> 00:22:44,625
- Thank you, Matthew.
- Of course.
545
00:22:44,708 --> 00:22:48,166
Okay, walk me through what you liked most
about your old backpack.
546
00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:49,300
The wheels, right?
547
00:22:49,333 --> 00:22:51,125
No. In order of importance,
548
00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,583
it was the texture of the outer fabric...
549
00:22:53,584 --> 00:22:55,707
- Mm-hmm.
- ...its organizational qualities,
550
00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,208
and that people noticed it.
551
00:22:57,291 --> 00:22:59,375
Oh, you like being noticed?
552
00:22:59,458 --> 00:23:02,000
Yes, but don't tell anyone.
553
00:23:02,083 --> 00:23:03,708
You got it. Mmm...
554
00:23:03,791 --> 00:23:07,166
- How's this one?
- No, the material is too coarse.
555
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:08,791
Ooh, this one's cute.
556
00:23:08,875 --> 00:23:11,791
I would still like to have
some sex appeal.
557
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,666
Oh, of course. Um...
558
00:23:13,750 --> 00:23:17,291
Okay, this is kind of a big swing,
and you might totally hate it,
559
00:23:17,375 --> 00:23:19,125
but pretty cool, right?
560
00:23:19,126 --> 00:23:21,832
- [ethereal music playing]
- [wolf whistles] Hello, gorgeous.
561
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:23,458
I am interested.
562
00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:27,166
[Pete] Dividers, enough room
for your laptop and books?
563
00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:30,541
[gasps] A dozen
writing implement holsters?
564
00:23:31,125 --> 00:23:33,250
I look like a man.
565
00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:35,625
A man who's ready
to kill it at high school.
566
00:23:35,708 --> 00:23:39,750
Oh... but I still look like
the saddest drag queen in Montana.
567
00:23:39,833 --> 00:23:41,000
- You do.
- Damn.
568
00:23:41,083 --> 00:23:44,416
But I am losing the jacket
because it clashes with your pants,
569
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:47,666
I'm cuffing your pants
because you have good ankles,
570
00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:50,583
and this shirt pattern will slay, cunt.
571
00:23:50,666 --> 00:23:52,791
Caleb, are you a fashion genius?
572
00:23:52,792 --> 00:23:53,915
Yes.
573
00:23:53,916 --> 00:23:55,125
Oh God, oh God.
574
00:23:55,208 --> 00:23:57,858
All right, Missy.
Now let's tell this grumpy old blob
575
00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:59,916
just how much you appreciate school.
576
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,125
School is doom!
577
00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:03,083
What? Pish-posh.
578
00:24:03,166 --> 00:24:04,875
Yeah, pish-posh!
579
00:24:04,958 --> 00:24:07,458
School is my favorite part of being a kid.
580
00:24:07,541 --> 00:24:11,000
Ew! That is the saddest thing
I ever heard.
581
00:24:11,083 --> 00:24:15,000
♪ Oh, she's grateful
For the library and spirited debates ♪
582
00:24:15,083 --> 00:24:17,500
♪ She's grateful
For the microfiche and... ♪
583
00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:21,000
- Gratitoad! No! Let him go!
- [coughs] I'm sorry, Missy.
584
00:24:21,083 --> 00:24:24,000
Tell my meemaw that I love her
and that I really...
585
00:24:24,083 --> 00:24:25,500
[screams] Holy Hadestown.
586
00:24:25,583 --> 00:24:27,041
[Dread] That's right, Missy.
587
00:24:27,125 --> 00:24:29,125
No matter what you do,
588
00:24:29,208 --> 00:24:32,333
you can't get rid of me.
589
00:24:32,416 --> 00:24:35,208
Okay. Okay, you win.
590
00:24:35,291 --> 00:24:37,708
[evil laughter]
591
00:24:39,291 --> 00:24:41,666
A red pen for peer grading,
592
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:43,125
and done.
593
00:24:43,208 --> 00:24:45,625
Wow, Caleb, I love the satchel.
594
00:24:45,708 --> 00:24:46,958
Mucho sex appeal.
595
00:24:47,041 --> 00:24:49,500
Maury, you are one minute early.
596
00:24:49,583 --> 00:24:51,750
Yes, but I have the start paperwork
597
00:24:51,833 --> 00:24:54,333
regarding the Division One
volleyball player.
598
00:24:54,334 --> 00:24:55,332
{\an8}Hi, Caleb.
599
00:24:55,333 --> 00:24:57,582
{\an8}Don't you want to sign some forms
and then masturbate?
600
00:24:57,583 --> 00:24:58,540
Yes, I do.
601
00:24:58,541 --> 00:25:01,708
I believe she will be
a great addition to the roster.
602
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:05,250
Yeah, and I put a sticky little penis tab
everywhere you need to sign.
603
00:25:05,333 --> 00:25:09,875
I appreciate everything that you do
in regards to my masturbation.
604
00:25:09,958 --> 00:25:11,291
Wow, thank you, Caleb.
605
00:25:11,375 --> 00:25:15,041
No one's ever said that to me.
And just don't forget to initial there.
606
00:25:15,583 --> 00:25:17,125
[Caleb] It is time.
607
00:25:17,126 --> 00:25:18,624
[snoring]
608
00:25:18,625 --> 00:25:22,291
Squishy, you didn't say "UNO."
609
00:25:22,375 --> 00:25:24,916
- [whispers] Hey, Nick. Are you awake?
- Yeah.
610
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,041
I'm still pretty nervous about Monday.
611
00:25:28,125 --> 00:25:31,458
[sighs] I get it.
I'm actually kinda nervous too.
612
00:25:31,459 --> 00:25:34,040
It's gonna be weird
to go to school without you guys.
613
00:25:34,041 --> 00:25:38,083
Yeah. I wish you were gonna be there
to see me stick my finger up Pumbaa's ass.
614
00:25:38,166 --> 00:25:40,083
Honestly, me too.
615
00:25:40,166 --> 00:25:41,250
[laughs]
616
00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:43,323
- Good night, Andrew.
- Good night, Nick.
617
00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:46,250
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
618
00:25:47,333 --> 00:25:51,250
♪ Traveled down a road and back again ♪
619
00:25:51,333 --> 00:25:56,833
♪ Your heart is true
You're a pal and a confidant... ♪
620
00:25:56,916 --> 00:26:00,250
["Thank You For Being A Friend"
by Andrew Gold playing]
621
00:26:00,333 --> 00:26:03,833
♪ I'm not ashamed to say ♪
622
00:26:04,833 --> 00:26:08,541
♪ I hope it always will stay this way ♪
623
00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:14,333
♪ My hat is off
Won't you stand up and take a bow? ♪
624
00:26:17,833 --> 00:26:20,750
♪ And if you threw a party ♪
625
00:26:21,833 --> 00:26:24,750
♪ Invited everyone you knew ♪
626
00:26:25,833 --> 00:26:28,750
♪ Well, you would see the biggest gift... ♪
627
00:26:30,951 --> 00:26:33,049
Chirp.
628
00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:37,600
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