All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2006) - S08E16 - Knee Jerk_track3_[eng]

[**]

[EERIE THEME PLAYING ON TV]

You know, for a guy who
can't see his own reflection,

Dracula is
pretty well groomed.

All right, let's see
what else is on.

[SIGHS]

[CHANGES CHANNEL]

Oh, leave that,
leave that.

CHARLIE ROSE: Prime Minister,
thank you very much.

Charlie Rose?

You realize that's PBS?

Doug, we never watch anything
that broadens our horizons.

Maybe this will give us
something to talk about.

We watch TV
so we don't have to talk.

Let's just try it.

-[DOUG SIGHS DEEPLY]
-ROSE: You find success
squarely in the center

of today's
most pressing issues--

the war on terror,
the future shape of Europe...

Who's he interviewing,
anyway?

It says right there--
the prime minister of Turkey.

I gotta level with ya.

I'd rather see an interview
with an actual turkey.

All right, shh.

ROSE: Tell me what role
you think Turkey can play

in shaping...

I'll bet you five bucks
Charlie picks up his water glass

-in the next 30 seconds.
-Come on.

Give me 3 to 1 odds.

[WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

-All right, you're on.
-Okay.

Come on, you're bored
and you're thirsty, Charlie.

Chalooch.
Come on now,
pick it up, buddy.

-No, don't do it. Don't do it.
-Come on, pick it up.

-Charlie, don't do it.
-Just grab it!

-Don't do it! Don't do it!
-Grab it, take a sip!

Hey, Sipsy Russell!

All right, you want
to go double or nothing

on Masterpiece Theater?

* My eyes
are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

Ah, Douglas.
[SNIFFS]

What is that
powerful aroma?

I could ask
the same thing.

Is that some kind
of melted sandwich?

Yes, it is, and I don't want you
shedding on it,

so could you
step back?

So, I can't be near
your food.

Then I assume
you'd really get upset

if I touched it
like this, huh?

Actually, all you did
is touch hot butter.

Excuse me.
I need some salve.

Oh, hey.

Listen, did you get fitted
for your suit

for my cousin Faye's
wedding?

No, but it's right at the top
of my to-do list.

Honey, you understand
the wedding is in 2 weeks,

and you are a guy who needs
a tailor's help.

Okay, you understand
the concept

behind a grilled cheese
sandwich.

Okay, if the cheese cools,
this was all for nothing.

Doug, all I'm asking you to do
is get the suit!

And all I'm asking you to do
is shutty.

Ohh!

Doug!

Oh, my God,
are you okay?

[HIGH VOICE]
Cheese still hot.

Okay, try to keep the weight
on the other foot.

Let's plant you
on the couch.

I don't have to remind you
to do that.

All right,
remember the doctor said

to keep your foot
elevated,

and you have to take
your pills every 3 hours.

Next one's at 4:00.

Okay, um, did he happen
to mention what time

you're going to say
you're sorry

for pushing me
down the stairs!

I didn't push you.
You fell.

Because you hit me!

Because you didn't get
fitted for your suit

like I asked you to!

So you cripple me?

And for the time you ripped up
my Voguemagazine

'cause you had to make
your collage.

Okay, it wasn't
a collage.

I was constructing
the perfect woman.

Okay...

Anyway, the doctor said
you're not crippled.

With a month of physical
therapy, you'll be fine.

Oh, just a month...

and every day it rains
for the rest of my life!

I understand
that you're upset, okay?

But you do understand that I
didn't mean to hurt you, right?

I want to believe that.

What?

I just came up
for a glass of water.

I don't
want any trouble.

Come on, Dad.
It was an accident.

Oh, please, You could have
killed him.

With him being
basically uninsurable,

where would that leave us?

All right,
would you back off?

It wasn't my fault.

Shame on you, Carrie.

I've pushed many people
down flights of stairs,

but damn it,
I've always owned up to it.

[**]

Okay, physical therapy's
on the 2nd floor.

Oh, the snack bar's
on the 5th floor.

This day just
keeps getting better.

What the hell?

That is sick!

Hey, excuse me,

what's that?

That right there is a little
thing called "Slamball."

Great, another cool thing
we can't do

because of Carrie.

Yeah, we can't...

Wecan.

Hey, put us
down for tomorrow.

Heffernan. H-E-F-F--

Whoa, whoa. Don't get ahead
of yourself, chief.

We got
a 3-month waiting list.

Hey!
You can't touch him there.

[**]

[BASKETBALL GAME PLAYING ON TV]

[SIGHS]

Have you
changed your pants

since you fell
down the stairs?

It's a whole thing
getting them off.

Just...

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Carrie.

How'd your
physical therapy go?

Pretty rough.

He worked some deep tissue
on my thigh

while I went
to my safe place.

Anyway, I thought
you might be hungry,

so I got you some burgers
from White Castle.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah. And I know you like
the fries

from
the bowling alley,

so there you go.

Great.

I'll be right back
with a soda.

I got to tell you--

I feel like going home
and having Kelly

push me down some stairs.

What are you
talking about?

I've never seen Carrie
serve you.

Or smile at you.

She's just
acting all nice.

You know what,
I bet she feels guilty.

No, no, no,
it's much more
than that.

It's a fundamental change.

The whole balance of power
has shifted to you.

Get out of here.

I'm telling you as long as
you keep that thing on your leg,

I bet you get
anything you want.

Here you go.

You all set?

Um...actually,
you know what,

could you just take
the pickles off the burgers?

Sure.

And then chop them up
into little bits,

and then put them
back on like relish?

-I wasn't kidding.
-Oh, okay.

[POPS MOUTH]

[**]

* I put a spell
on you*

* Because you're mine*

* Stop the things you do*

* Ha ha ha,
what's up?*

* I ain't lyin'*

[**]

Well,
the swelling's gone,

and you've got
full mobility back.

Oh...what?

Yeah, it wasn't as bad
as we thought.

You're 100 percent.

Okay, that is
completely unacceptable.

I'm going to need
to speak to your manager.

Um, you can pay
on your way out.

I was promised a month
of pain and discomfort.

I was promised a month.
A month!

Come on, man.

You had
a hell of a ride.

Oh, God...

now I got to go to her cousin's
wedding on Saturday.

So? It's just a wedding.

It's a Wiccan wedding!

What the hell is that?

They're witches.

And not hot witches
like Tabitha or Sabrina.

It's going to be
a nightmare.

Well, what are you going
to do?

I got to keep
this thing going.

Here. You know what?

Hobble me.

How am I going
to hobble you with this?

Just do it.

No!

Fine. Then I'll do it,
all right?

Here...

Coward!

[BANGING] Ugh!

[BANGING]

Doug, is that you?

Yeah, be right up.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm...fine.

What happened? I thought
you were getting better.

I was.

I was at
physical therapy today,

and I told the guy
to really test me,

and it felt good
for awhile

but then I heard
this sound.

It was like a...

a snap....

crackle...sound.

Honey, you shouldn't
have pushed it.

I know.
It's just that I, uh...

Ah, never mind.
It's...it's stupid.

What? Tell me.

I really wanted
to dance with you

at your cousin's wedding,
you know?

Outside, under the stars.

-Oh, baby That's so sweet.
-Yeah.

But you know what?
You're not going to the wedding.

I'm not going to risk

having you
hurt yourself again.

I'll be fine. Just prop me
up against the tree.

I am going!
I am going!

-Oh, God!
-Baby! Oh, my--

Oh, God! Oh!

Are you okay?
Here, let's get you--

Oh, God!

You don't get cute
with a knee.

I know that now.

Oh, sweetheart.

Mmm...

Listen, is there
anything I can do?

Make you feel better?

Actually...

There's like 3 leftover
White Castle downstairs.

Can you re-heat 'em?

-Yes, yes.
-Thanks.

[**]

Doug, please, you don't have
to carry my bag, I can do it.

I want to see
my baby off.

All right.
Let me get it.

No, I got it!
I have to learn, okay!

Okay, baby.
And thank you.

I got it.

-All right.
-Okay.

Deacon, you're going
to be with him, right?

Don't worry. We'll get him
through this together.

Okay. Thank you.

-Bye, honey.
-All right.

I don't care
what you told her,

I'm not giving you
a sponge bath.

How about just a shampoo?

You are such a wuss.

Can you believe this guy?
He bought a stun gun.

Hey, you know,
I work in the subway.

I need this
for protection.

Actually,
in his defense,

he has been beaten,
set on fire,

and violated twice.

Anyway,
that little stun gun

is not going
to stop anyone.

Really? Why don't I
try it out on you?

Make it worth my while.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

[SCOFFS]
20 bucks...no, thanks.

I'll kick in 20.

Yeah, me, too.

But you can't scream.

Open your jacket.

[GROANING SOUNDS]

[SHORT SCREECH]

Pay up.

I'll have to owe you.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh,
that's your phone.

Could you get it?

Yeah.

Hello.

Wh--oh, yeah.

No, no, no--
we want it, we'll take it.

All right. Thanks.

Guys, remember how the
Slamball court was booked?

Well, there's been
a cancellation

and we have it
Wednesday night.

That's awesome.

Wait a sec.
You can't go.

You just
convinced Carrie

you had
a major setback.

So? I'll just get all better
by Slamball.

You're going to go
from crippled to jumping

on a trampoline
in 3 days?

She'll never buy it.

How about this?

She comes home
Sunday night, right?

I tell her
I iced my knee all weekend

and the swelling went down.

Monday, I drop my crutch
in front of her,

I put weight on the knee,
it goes well.

Guys, I can't see
out of my left eye.

Tuesday, my doctor calls,
the X-rays look good.

Wait, you're going to get
your doctor

to go along with this?

I think so,
because my doctor is you.

Whoo...
I'm an orthopedist.

Then, Wednesday morning,

I invite Carrie out
for a walk.

She becomes a partner
in my recovery,

12 hours later,
Slamball!

[**]

CARRIE:
Honey, I'm home!

-Hey.
-Hey, baby.

You're home from the wedding
early. How was it?

[SCOFFS]
Well, I don't know what
I enjoyed more,

the mud dancing
or the actual ceremony,

which I'm pretty sure
was officiated

by a crow.

Officiated by a crow.

Anyway, I've been icing
my knee all weekend,

and I think
the swelling went down.

I think I got sap
in my hair.

Oh, geez.

Wow, I got
a little weight on her.

Doesn't feel too bad.
Almost a little bounce in there.

Bouncy.

That's great, honey.

Hey, maybe later on
we'll go for a walk.

Okay.

Arthur,
why are the lights off?

You'll see me
when the time is right.

What's going on?

I'm just looking
at some family photos.

I think Carrie will find
this one interesting.

No cast, no crutches.

So what? That picture could have
been taken a year ago.

Look at the cover
of that magazine.

It features a clearly
pregnant Katie Holmes.

Damn it!

And the next one
was taken

before yesterday's
Knickerbocker game.

And my personal favorite--

you receiving the news
about the return

of the McRib sandwich.

Turn it off.

Turn it off!

What do you want,
old man?

I want what you've got.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about power.

From now on, I'm getting
everything I want from Carrie

through you!

Oh, no, you're not.
You know what,

-I'm taking this.
-You should know the negatives

are in a locker
at the Staten Island Y.

CARRIE: Hey, honey?

Do you know what
you want for dinner?

Liver and onions.

Oh, no, no, no--

Liver and onions.
Say it.

Liver and onions.

CARRIE: Really? Okay.

[CHUCKLES DEVILISHLY]

[**]

Yo, Slamball time.

I can't go.

What? What happened
to the 3-day plan?

It was going great
until Arthur found out.

Now he's blackmailing me,

so I got to keep
pretending I'm hurt.

What's all this?

He's making me sort out
his dirty playing cards...

by cup size.

That one belongs
in its own pile.

Come on, man.
We need 4 guys.

ARTHUR: Douglas,
stop dilly-dallying!

I've had some Drambuie

and I want to play
Solitaire!

Let's do this.
I'm doin' it.

-You sure?
-Yeah, you know what?

I'll just lie to Carrie
I'll tell her

I'm going to physical therapy.

What about Arthur?

Give me 10 minutes.

[**]

How's the borscht?

First rate.

Shame Carrie had to go
all the way to Yonkers

to get it for you.

Yeah, it's too bad.

Strange...I feel
a bit lightheaded.

That's funny.
What do I have here?

Oh, the sleeping pills
that Carrie got for me.

I must say, you played the part
of the lumbering imbecile

quite well.

Well, thank you.
And when you start to drool,

keep it in the bowl.

[**]

Give me the ball.

I'm open!

Hi, I'm Carrie Heffernan.

Oh, you're Doug's wife.

Yes. My father
wrote me this note

before he fell asleep.

"Help...Doug."

I know he had an appointment
with you today.

Is he all right?

I haven't seen him
in 2 weeks,

ever since his knee
was better.

Better? What do you mean?
He had a huge setback.

He did?
Well, have him call me.

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-yeow!

Yeah!

Hey...Car.

Some kind of
crazy therapy, huh?

So, you've been faking
this whole time?

No,
not the whole time.

All right,
get off of there.

-No.
-Doug,

don't bounce
away from me.

Do you know what
you put me through? Huh?

I mean, all the things
you made me do for you.

Some things
I can't even mention.

You made me feel
so guilty

that I've been
actually listening

to anger management
tapes.

You may want
to pop one in now.

Oh, you think
this is funny?

Let me tell you some--

Doug....okay.

Doug...

You know what, Doug?

I can't believe
you did this!

I'm sorry, okay?

Oh, you're sorry,
that's not good enough!

Yeah. It's fun, right?

I'm still mad at you.

-Hey, try the sit down.
-I don't want to.

Whoo!

Give it a shot.

-Come on.
-Whoo!

There you go!
It's great, right?

Bounce it out.

Go higher, go higher!

No, I don't want to.
I'm scared.

You do it, honey.

Okay, watch me.

Go higher, baby.

Higher, baby.
Come on, higher!

-Higher!
-[CRACK]

Ohh!

-I got Danny.
-DANNY [SLAPS HANDS]: Okay.

I'll take Carrie.

I got Arthur.

Um...

Come on!

Eh.

[**]