All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2004) - S06E13 - Frigid Heirs_track3_[eng]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

DOUG: Oh. Come on,
get in there.

A little short.

Aw! Nothing but pocket.

On top of the key.
Fade away.

What are you doing?

Just playing
a little Spoonerball.

In the pocket
is one point,

between the glasses
and face--2 points,

and in the mouth,
that's your 3-pointer.

And choking him to death,
how does that factor in?

10-point bonus.

Come on. Give it a shot.
Give it a shot.

CARRIE: I'm not gonna
throw food at my father.

What about that chicken leg
last week?

Ah, excuse me,

he threw peas
at me first.

DOUG: Come on.
Let's see what you got.

Okay, maybe just one.

Okay.

CARRIE:
Okay, one more.

-One more.
-All right.

DOUG: Ahh. No. You gotta--
you gotta arc it.

Keep your elbows in,
like that, just arc it.

-Okay.
-There you go.

Come on. Open up,
like that.

-Almost.
-Okay, okay.

-Okay.
-CARRIE: Oh!

Oh, that's it.

So I wasn't dreaming.

Marvelous.

Wait a second.

Where are the Dutch hookers?

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

Voila.

You didn't tell me
we were having cake.

Yeah. I don't tell you
about cake

early in the day anymore.

It paralyzes you.

-Does not.
-Oh, come on.

Remember last time you
were so distracted

you rear-ended a school bus?

Okay, that was pie,
so don't rewrite history.

Ahh! This milk
couldn't be warmer.

Yeah. The fridge
is acting up again.

That's as cold
as it's gonna get.

Hey! Come on, man!

I want to see
if it's cold.

She just poured it out
of the same carton.

The milk on the bottom
is colder.

No, it's not.

Obviously, you've never
been locked overnight

in a dairy
storage facility!

CARRIE: Dad, will you stop?
I haven't worked for 2 months,

so unless you have an extra
thousand bucks laying around

to buy us a new refrigerator,
please, just drink it.

All right, it's down.

For now.

-Knock knock.
-Oh, hey, Holly.

Hey! Hey, Arthur,
you ready for bingo?

Indeed I am.
What's with the kraut?

This is my new dog Shatzi.

He retired from the police
force, and I adopted him.

Police dog, huh?

Before he starts barking,
I should tell you

I have a fair amount of
contraband in my sock drawer.

Oh, don't worry, Arthur.
He's a bomb-sniffing dog.

He's a real hero, too.

I met him when they
busted my boyfriend.

So your boyfriend
was making a bomb?

Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend,
believe you me.

Okay, Arthur,
are you ready?

All set.
See you kids later.

Oh, cute hat.

Thank you.

I found it
in a leaf pile.

Enh!

Oh, this milk is warm.

You think
it's dangerous?

Well, I don't know, but
your dad had his finger in it,

and it's the one he
works his ear with, so...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

ARTHUR: *Carrie*

*Douglas*

He's in my dreams.

Hey, dad, what's up?

Big news.

I was sitting next
to Eleanor Melville

at bingo tonight.

She's the lady
who lost an eye

in a sledding accident,
remember?

All right, he's goin'
in the hamper.

Dad, it's kinda late.

Could you just
get to the point?

God bless
her lucky glass eye

because tonight
I won the jackpot!

Great. Take your 8 bucks
and get outta here.

Does this look
like 8 bucks to you?

Wow, how much is that?

2,500 clams.

$2,500? Oh, my God!

At first I thought
I'd put it away for a rainy day,

but then I realized,

I got no mortgage,
no bills to pay,

so I figured it's time
for A. Spooner

to have a little fun.

Starting tomorrow,
I'm queen for a day!

Well...good for him.

What?

Did you notice
anything wrong

with what just
happened here?

Other than his fly
being opened?

No. I'm numb
to that now.

I mean the fact
that he didn't mention

giving us any
of that money.

Why should he?
It's his money.

Are you kidding me,
Carrie?

I mean, we spend
thousands of dollars on him.

He said it himself.

He's got no bills,
no mortgage to pay

becausewepay it,

not to mention all
the food, clothing,

medicine,
those 3 clarinets.

Ehh.

Well, that's what you do
when a parent gets old.

I mean, he did take care of me
until I was almost...15.

DOUG: And, meanwhile,
since you lost your job,

we have not gotten one thing
for ourselves, not one!

Do you know every night
before I go to bed,

I look at
this golf catalogue,

but I can't get
anything in here.

So this means nothing
to me!

The point is,
I want a titanium fairway wood,

and I want it now!

And damn it, you
deserve something, too.

What do you want?

Well, you know
what we should buy

is a new refrigerator.

Okay, so I'll
get the golf clubs,

and the fridge
will be your thing.

No. Why do I
get the boring thing?

Fine. Then pick something
you want.

I mean, the old fridge
is fine.

Right now, we don't need
something to keep food fresh,

we need something
to keep us fresh.

Actually,
you know what I'd love?

I'd love to go to that spa

right next door
to Bloomingdale's

and get, like,
a whole day of beauty.

DOUG: Yes! God,
you need a day of beauty!

Hey.

You know
what I mean, okay?

All right.
Well, you know what?

Tomorrow morning,
I will talk to him.

I will tell him how we feel,

and I'm sure he'll
give us some of the money.

Great. All right,
thank you.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll just follow up

with a lamp
to the back of the head.

Not to kill him,
just to send a message.

What do you think I am?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Morning, daddy.

Darling, I think I'm ready
to make my first purchase:

the world's best
personal submarine.

What do you think?

World's best?
With no periscope?

You're smarter than that.

Speaking of that money,

it's so great to see
someone in this house

have some good luck
for a change.

ARTHUR: It certainly is.

Yeah. Lord knows Doug and I
haven't had any lately.

That's putting it mildly.

The thing is, um...

we have certainly helped you out
quite a bit over the years.

How so?

Well, we've given you food,
clothing, shelter.

Mm. I suppose you could
put that spin on it.

Yes.

CARRIE:
And we were kind of hoping

that you could help us out

a little bit, you know,
moneywise.

Oh, I'd love to
be able to help.

You kids have been
like family to me.

-What do you want?
-DOUG: Half.

I meant, what specific items
do you want to purchase?

I want golf clubs.
She wants a day of beauty.

Fair enough. I'll give
your requests some thought

and get back to you
in a day or so.

But just to show my heart's
in the right place,

how 'bout we paint the town
red tonight, my treat?

Oh, we have plans
tonight, Dad.

ARTHUR: Do you?

That's
very disappointing.

Oh, you know what?
We can cancel. No problem.

Wonderful. I'll
pick you up at 5:30.

Dress is smart casual.

ARTHUR: [LAUGHS LOUDLY]

Don't overthink it, Dad.

That's what got you into trouble
back at the clown's mouth.

That one was close.

That one
was close, too.

Be a pal.
Shove this in my eye.

Okay...now!

Now!

Those blades are diabolical.

DOUG: Now! Now!

Now! Now!

Oh...what are the odds?

[STRUGGLING] Now.

Thank God.

Last night was so brutal.

So when do we
get this money?

I don't know,
but I should warn you:

he told me to
keep Saturday open

for a trip to
the American Doll Museum.

-Family meeting!
-What?

ARTHUR:
Calling a family meeting.

Grab your drinks and kindly
follow me to the dining room.

Chop chop.

CARRIE: Come on.

Please rise for
thePledge of Allegiance.

If you choose, you may
omit the words, "Under God."

Get on with it.

Fine.
First order of business,

vis-a-vis, the items
you requested yesterday,

unfortunately, no can-do.

[POP]

What?

Dad, you said
you wanted to help us out.

I do. I'm going to
give you $1,000

to purchase a new refrigerator.

You know,
I got a better idea:

why don't you
give us $1,000,

and we'll decide what we want
to do with it, okay?

Oh, to be young and witless.

Douglas, trust me,
you don't get to my position

by throwing away money
on frivolous things.

You wanted to
buy a submarine.

Hey! When the only way
out of the city

is through the sewers,
you'll be begging to get in.

[SIGHS]

Ihatethis.

What? It's not like
we're getting nothing.

I mean, the man is buying us
a new refrigerator.

That's not the point.
Just 'cause he

stumbled onto some money
like Jed Clampett,

doesn't give him the right
to tell us what to do with it.

This one looks nice.

Oh, and look how big
the crispers are.

Oh...[HAND FART]

CARRIE: Hey, don't
knock crispers.

That's where I hide
the vegetables

so they won't upset you.

All right, fine.
You know what?

Let's just get it
and get outta here.

Oh, look! Look
at the bright side:

it's only 995.

We tell my dad it
costs a full thousand,

and then we got 5 bucks
left to par-tay.

-Hmm.
-What?

Look, I really
don't feel right

about lying
to my dad.

Look, we
are not lying, okay?

We told him we were going
to buy a refrigerator,

and we did.

The fact that we bought it
from a Queens College student

who was moving out of his dorm,
that's our business.

CARRIE: Do you think
he's gonna believe

that this costs $1,000?

Carrie, the man thinks

I control the TV
with my voice.

Everybody wins this way,
all right?

Your dad feels
like a big shot,

we get a temporary fridge
for 68 bucks,

and with the leftover change,

new golf clubs and a day
at the spa for you.

Oh, look at this.

Kenny's mom made meatloaf.

Mine now.

Hi, dad.
How was your walk?

Not so good. Turns out
the Double-Dutch kids

don't appreciate heckling.

Is this the new
refrigerator?

Yeah.

It's magnificent!

Amazing how small they
can make things these days.

God bless those Japanese.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, that was great today.

We were hittin' 'em
pretty hard, huh?

Oh, but you like it rough,
don't you?

Oh, yes, you doo-be
doo-be doo!

I am back
from the spa.

How do I look?

Fantastic.

Soon as I'm done
fondling my new club,

you're next.

My massage was amazing.

I had this
Russian guy--Uri.

He had these huge hands,

and he found every knot
in my body.

And the best part:

not a whole lot
of yap yap, you know?

Just every couple
of minutes:

"Is good? Is good?"

by the way, that's
all you need to say

when we're,
you know, upstairs.

So no more
Mighty Mousetheme?

So, those the new clubs?

Yeah. They're awesome.

Look at the size
of that driver.

It's as big
as a baby's head.

Yeah. It's beautiful.
You deserve 'em.

Yeah, um...

the only problem is,
uh...

I got these
great new woods,

but I still have the same
old crappy irons.

They're fine.

No, they're not.
I mean, it's--

it's like if you
got a day of beauty

for only half
your face,

and they left
the other side lookin' all...

tired and yellow.

What are you gettin' at
here, Doug?

Just maybe we could ask your dad
for some more money

so I could
complete my set here.

What? We can't
scam him again.

That's a few hundred.
That's not even a scam.

That's pullin' a fast one.

CARRIE: Doug, believe me,

don't think I haven't
thought about it, okay?

They sell this thing
at the spa

that turns your bathtub
into a whirlpool.

You don't think
I would kill for that?

But lying to him again
is just wrong.

Wrong? Or very right?

Wrong.

[BUBBLING]

CARRIE: Get out of here.
I'm naked.

[BUBBLING]

Why is that water
bubbling?

CARRIE: Um...

it's really hot?

I cannot
believe you!

After you give me that whole
speech on how wrong this is,

you go out
and buythis?!

CARRIE: But it bubbles.

How could you?

CARRIE: It's just
that your golf clubs

are forever,
and my spa day is gone,

so I figured it's only
fair, you know?

How did you get your dad
to give you the money?

Well, you know,
our clock radio's been broken?

Gave me $200
to get a new one.

200? I got that free

when I ordered
Sports Illustrated.

Hey, I was only
shooting for 100,

but then he started
talking about transistors

and how clever
those Japanese are.

I just went with it.

And you made me feel bad
about wanting more?

-Oh, it's on, baby.
-Where are you going?

Oh, we got a houseful
of appliances,

and one's
about to go down.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Doug, no!
Not the DVD player!

Carrie, this is a machine

that uses lasers to play
movies from shiny disks.

I could tell him
it cost a million dollars.

Doug, no!

This has to stop.

Why should it stop, Carrie?
Oh, wait, what--

what, am I beating you
to the punch?

What, you got your eye
on something that will make

the toilet bubble, too?

Shh! Holly's here.

Yeah,
I'm still here.

Hi.

Hey, hey.
Yeah, go ahead.

$800? I don't have
that kind of money.

Oh, this isn't good.

What? What?

She needs money.

And who do you think she's gonna
try to get it from? My dad.

What do you care?
You said you were done

getting money from him.

Not if she's gonna
get it instead.

If someone
is gonna scam my dad,

it should at least
be someone who loves him.

What does she need
the money for anyway?

She finally
got that bill

for that blond they
pumped into her hair?

Don't worry. Your dad probably
won't give her the money anyway.

Oh, he will, the way
she kisses his butt.

"Oh, Arthur, you look
so cute in that hat."

You saw him, he looked like
a 90-year-old Gilligan.

By the way,
so does the real Gilligan.

All right, you know what?
Just break the frickin' thing.

We've gotta get that money.
All right, now,

I'm gonna get the money,
and you keep Holly busy, okay?

All right, come on.
Hurry up! Hurry up!

DOUG: All right.

Uh-huh. Okay, well, I'll just
try to figure something out

and I'll get back to you.

Thanks.

Hey, what you
got there...

sweater?

Sweaters are great,

but, ironically, they don't
handle sweat that well.

[SOBBING]

They're very warm,
though.

What's wrong?

My new dog Shatzi
needs an operation,

and I can't afford it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Turns out, all the stress
from working on the bomb squad

weakened his heart,

and now there's some kind
of valve ripping,

and if he doesn't
get the operation,

he's gonna be
in so much pain,

they're gonna
put him down.

Well, he had a good run.
He...

had a full life.

He's 4.

Yeah, but that's 28
in human years.

That's when I
started fallin' apart.

And the sad thing is,
he doesn't even know it.

You know, he's just
this sweet lovable guy

who just wants to
kiss you and be with you.

I mean, he spent

his entire life saving people.

And now there's no one
there to save him.

We've gotta give
the money to Holly.

What?! Why?!

Because if we don't,
we're gonna spend eternity

swimming in a lake of fire.

Both of us?

-Why? What?
-Give me this.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

ARTHUR: *Carrie*

*Douglas*

Hey...dad?

What's up?

Guess what?

I won at bingo again.

-Really?
-How much?

11 bucks.

Family meeting. Chop chop.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]