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1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:04,540
*My eyes aregettin' weary*
2
00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:07,170
*My back is gettin' tight*
3
00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,210
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
4
00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:12,220
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
5
00:00:12,260 --> 00:00:17,550
*But I don't care,'cause all I wanna do*
6
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,350
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
7
00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:24,600
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
8
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:28,690
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
9
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:37,030
All right, Dad, we're
gonna be in Florida for 3 days.
10
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,450
I made you
lunches and dinners,
11
00:00:38,490 --> 00:00:40,330
but you're on your own
for breakfast, all right?
12
00:00:40,370 --> 00:00:43,370
Well, breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
13
00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:44,660
but I'll find something.
14
00:00:44,710 --> 00:00:48,250
Perhaps a stray
Cocoa Puff on the floor.
15
00:00:48,290 --> 00:00:49,630
Dad, please don't start.
16
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:52,130
We visit Doug's parents
once a year.
17
00:00:52,170 --> 00:00:53,260
Just deal with it.
18
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,260
How come you never
come visit me?
19
00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:59,550
Well, you live here,
Dad.
20
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:00,810
I mean really visit.
21
00:01:00,850 --> 00:01:04,180
Sit and chat, get to know
my likes, my dislikes,
22
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:06,810
my turn-ons, my turn-offs.
23
00:01:06,850 --> 00:01:08,020
You know
what my turn-off is?
24
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:10,520
Old men who leave
their pajama fly open.
25
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:12,190
Well, you know
what my turn-off is?
26
00:01:12,230 --> 00:01:15,570
So-called "happily married" guys
looking for a free show!
27
00:01:20,620 --> 00:01:23,660
Joe, you shouldn't be
carrying our bags. Really.
28
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,040
Come on. It's my joy.
29
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,080
Doug, why are you letting
your father carry our bags?
30
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,960
Uh, it's his joy.
31
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,750
There they are!
32
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,340
Hey, Rocky!
Get up here!
33
00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:35,760
[AS MICKEY FROMROCKY]
You're a bum!
34
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,470
You're a bum!
You're a bum!
35
00:01:37,510 --> 00:01:39,550
[NORMAL VOICE] Look at this.
Yeah, you remember Carrie.
36
00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:41,850
You licked her face and got sick
from all the makeup.
37
00:01:41,890 --> 00:01:43,470
Yeah.
38
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,600
I took it down a coat
just for you, Rocky.
39
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,610
So look around. You notice
anything different in here?
40
00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:52,980
Uh, more wicker?
41
00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:55,070
No. We painted.
42
00:01:55,110 --> 00:01:56,990
Oh. Well, what color
was it before?
43
00:01:57,030 --> 00:01:59,240
The same. We just
freshened it up.
44
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,030
Okay, okay, the kids don't care
about the paint.
45
00:02:01,070 --> 00:02:02,740
Listen, we got
a real treat for you.
46
00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:05,910
We got all our old Super-8s
transferred to video.
47
00:02:05,950 --> 00:02:07,040
We've gone high-tech.
48
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,500
Oh, good for you.
49
00:02:08,540 --> 00:02:10,000
Maybe someday
you'll get a phone
50
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,170
you don't
have to dial.
51
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,840
Hey, Arthur.
I need a favor.
52
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,720
You know
my girlfriend Denise?
53
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,800
The one with the balcony
you could do Shakespeare off of?
54
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,140
Yeah.
55
00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:25,560
Anyway, um, she really wants
to meet my mother,
56
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,310
and I can't
put it off anymore,
57
00:02:27,350 --> 00:02:29,480
and I know my mom is
not going to approve of her.
58
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:30,850
Why wouldn't she approve?
59
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,230
Well, you know, no one's
good enough for her son.
60
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,190
Okay.
61
00:02:36,230 --> 00:02:37,400
Listen, listen, listen.
62
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,860
You know my mom
really likes you,
63
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:40,950
so I thought we could have
dinner here on neutral ground,
64
00:02:40,990 --> 00:02:43,660
and you could be,
like, a buffer.
65
00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:44,740
Elaborate.
66
00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:46,490
Just--if things get tense
or awkward,
67
00:02:46,540 --> 00:02:49,330
you jump in and say something
to distract my mom.
68
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:52,290
So you want me to be
your rodeo clown?
69
00:02:54,210 --> 00:02:56,170
What's in it for me?
70
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,840
-What do you want?
-Let me see.
71
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,630
You work in the subway.
72
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:04,140
I want to drive a train.
73
00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:07,970
You-- Are you crazy?
I--I just sell tokens.
74
00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:09,520
I can't let you drive a train.
75
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:10,890
Then I want to make
announcements
76
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,150
over the
loudspeaker.
77
00:03:13,190 --> 00:03:15,900
I'm sitting on some
very funny subway banter
78
00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:19,440
including a bawdy routine
about the "F" train.
79
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,110
I can't do that either.
80
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,410
Fine.
81
00:03:23,450 --> 00:03:25,990
Then I'll take a metro cap
and a tie tack.
82
00:03:26,030 --> 00:03:27,040
Done!
83
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,950
And the other guy blinked.
84
00:03:35,670 --> 00:03:37,880
Hey, look. Dougie's
high school graduation.
85
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,220
Hey, look at that!
That's me and you, buddy.
86
00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:46,600
And that was
our bicentennial barbecue.
87
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:57,570
What are you...wear--
88
00:03:57,610 --> 00:04:00,940
You wearing some kind
of Uncle Sam costume?
89
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,780
It was Wonder Woman.
90
00:04:07,370 --> 00:04:08,580
Why were you wearing
Wonder Woman?
91
00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:11,250
Ask her, okay?
She bought it.
92
00:04:11,290 --> 00:04:14,370
It wasn't Wonder Woman.
It was Uncle Sam.
93
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,580
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
94
00:04:16,630 --> 00:04:18,960
Yeah, I was the only Uncle Sam
with cleavage.
95
00:04:22,260 --> 00:04:23,800
DOUG:
Hey, look!
96
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,350
There you are again, buddy.
97
00:04:29,810 --> 00:04:31,270
Huh?
98
00:04:31,310 --> 00:04:32,810
Oh, boy. You got
that look in your eye.
99
00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:34,560
Do you wanna go outside
and do your business?
100
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,190
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you know what?
101
00:04:36,230 --> 00:04:39,070
Do me a favor.
Pause it. Hey, Rocky?
102
00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:40,280
JOE: As long
as we're on a break,
103
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,740
I'm gonna go do
some business myself.
104
00:04:44,530 --> 00:04:47,820
Uh, Janet,
question for you.
105
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:50,160
How old was Doug
when he got Rocky?
106
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,120
Oh, I don't know. 11?
107
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,750
Doug's 38 now.
108
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,330
That's right.
109
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,340
You know, you look beautiful
in that top, darling.
110
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:01,250
Where did you buy that?
111
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:05,090
Well, then that would
make Rocky...27.
112
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,800
Oh, I don't think so.
113
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,060
Well, Janet...
114
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:13,060
38 minus 11 is 27.
115
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:17,020
What does such a pretty girl
need with math? Heh.
116
00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:18,310
Janet.
117
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,310
OK.
118
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,190
Rocky died.
119
00:05:21,230 --> 00:05:25,030
We replaced him
'cause we didn't want
Dougie to get upset.
120
00:05:27,070 --> 00:05:28,320
Wow.
121
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:30,660
Don't you think
that's unhealthy?
122
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:32,240
Unhealthy?
123
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:35,120
Look how happy Dougie is.
124
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,960
Hi! Heh.
125
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,040
So who's ready
for cheesecake?
126
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,820
This is great, huh?
127
00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:10,820
My 2 best gals finally
breaking bread together.
128
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,240
Yeah, it's, um--
129
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,540
It's really great
to meet you, Mrs. Olchin.
130
00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:17,370
Spence is just
such a wonderful guy.
131
00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:19,080
You can thank me for that.
132
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:20,750
He was a little bastard
as a kid
133
00:06:20,790 --> 00:06:22,960
till I spanked it
out of him.
134
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:26,590
Great. Thank you.
135
00:06:26,630 --> 00:06:28,930
I smacked his bottom so red
136
00:06:28,970 --> 00:06:30,260
it looked
like an Indian's ass.
137
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:31,970
SPENCE: Mom!
138
00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:35,470
Excuse me!
Native American's ass.
139
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,850
DENISE: Actually,
um, it's funny.
140
00:06:39,890 --> 00:06:41,190
A couple of months ago, um,
141
00:06:41,230 --> 00:06:43,060
we were just goofing around
in the snow,
142
00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:45,980
and Spence fell right
on some ice really hard.
143
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,320
Anyway, when we
got back to his place,
144
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,200
his butt was so red!
145
00:06:50,450 --> 00:06:52,370
She's seen you naked?!
146
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:57,120
We agreed
you're saving yourself!
147
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,120
Mom!
148
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:01,080
Oh, no, um,
I didn't see him naked.
149
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,080
He told me
his butt was red...
150
00:07:03,130 --> 00:07:06,130
over the phone.
I was in church.
151
00:07:07,710 --> 00:07:10,550
You talk on the phone
in church?!
152
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:12,800
Arthur.
153
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,390
Yes?
154
00:07:16,260 --> 00:07:17,680
Do you have
anything to say?
155
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,980
I don't think so.
156
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:22,520
Excuse me.
I'm gonna grab some ketchup.
157
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:28,990
[WHISPERING]
What are you doing in there?
158
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,820
You're supposed to jump in
if things get tense.
159
00:07:30,860 --> 00:07:31,990
I thought it was going
magnificently.
160
00:07:32,030 --> 00:07:35,240
It is not!
Just jump in, okay?
161
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,160
So I finally
had to tell Spence,
162
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,460
"You can watch
Three's Company,
163
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:43,170
but keep your hands
where I can see 'em."
164
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:45,340
Because I knew--
165
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:46,840
Hey! We're back!
166
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,300
And, uh, Arthur,
167
00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:50,340
you had a question
for my mom, didn't you?
168
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:51,970
Yes, I did.
169
00:07:52,010 --> 00:07:55,430
Veronica, I was wondering,
170
00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:57,010
is that your real hair?
171
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,020
What? Yes!
172
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:02,020
Uh-huh. And the teeth?
173
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,860
All except
the really white ones.
174
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:09,110
Well, the whole package
is exquisite.
175
00:08:09,150 --> 00:08:12,030
Oh. Heh. Oh, Arthur.
176
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:14,030
You're so sweet.
177
00:08:23,330 --> 00:08:25,330
Okay, Rock. I'm gonna
throw these socks,
178
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,880
and you're gonna
go get 'em, okay?
179
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,090
[AS MICKEY FROMROCKY]
And then you're gonna
180
00:08:28,130 --> 00:08:30,420
eat lightnin'
and crap thunder!
181
00:08:31,340 --> 00:08:32,590
[NORMAL VOICE]
But not in the house.
182
00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:34,090
All right, ready?
Here we go.
183
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:36,090
Go get the socks.
Go get 'em!
184
00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:38,220
Come on.
I taught you this trick.
185
00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:41,640
You know it.
Hello. Hello.
186
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,060
-CARRIE: Doug.
-Yeah?
187
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,390
You love Rocky, don't you?
188
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:45,690
Sure.
189
00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:50,440
Okay, this is hard for me.
190
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,070
[CLEARS THROAT]
191
00:08:52,110 --> 00:08:53,700
There's something
that I kind of feel
192
00:08:53,740 --> 00:08:56,280
like I should tell you,
but I don't really want to,
193
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,580
but you're an adult,
and I think you should know.
194
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,200
What?
195
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,250
Oy, how do I do this?
196
00:09:03,290 --> 00:09:06,000
Okay, what year
was the bicentennial?
197
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:08,630
1776.
198
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,340
No, that was
the actual thing.
199
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,010
I'm talking about
the anniversary.
200
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,730
That barbecue that you and Rocky
were at in that video.
201
00:09:23,770 --> 00:09:25,600
-Oh, 1976.
-Right.
202
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:26,940
But you got
to give me props
203
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:28,690
for knowing 1776
in the first place, right?
204
00:09:28,730 --> 00:09:30,820
Absolutely.
Color me impressed.
205
00:09:30,860 --> 00:09:35,070
Anyway, sweetie,
baby, my adorable husband,
206
00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:39,990
if Rocky was already born
and grown in 1976,
207
00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:43,370
and it's now 2003,
208
00:09:43,410 --> 00:09:46,330
today that would
make Rocky...
209
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:48,210
Well, uh...
210
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,010
That's not
the original Rocky?
211
00:09:58,050 --> 00:10:00,260
We did it
for your own good, Dougie.
212
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,300
You were a sensitive kid.
213
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:02,720
We figured when Rocky went,
214
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,060
you wouldn't be able
to handle it.
215
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:07,060
So--so this is
Rocky II?!
216
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,610
Actually, it's Rocky IV.
217
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,320
Oh, my God!
218
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,700
My dog died 3 times,
and you never told me?!
219
00:10:18,780 --> 00:10:21,490
Darling, we were gonna
tell you about Rocky III,
220
00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:22,580
honest to God,
221
00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:24,700
but she died
right before your wedding.
222
00:10:24,740 --> 00:10:27,580
She?!
223
00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:29,330
I can't believe this!
224
00:10:29,370 --> 00:10:31,000
We didn't want
to upset you.
225
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:34,250
As the kids like to say,
why go there?
226
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,800
-Right, Joe?
-Exactly.
227
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,220
We just felt
there was some things
228
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:39,010
you were better off
not knowing.
229
00:10:39,050 --> 00:10:41,010
Things?
Like what else?
230
00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:42,890
Nothing else.
231
00:10:42,930 --> 00:10:44,220
Just the dog.
232
00:10:44,260 --> 00:10:46,810
Ah, tell the boy already.
The jig is up.
233
00:10:46,850 --> 00:10:48,690
There is no jig.
There's no jig.
234
00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:50,020
We've coddled him
long enough.
235
00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:51,730
When you were little,
you weren't quite ready
236
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:52,770
for the first grade.
237
00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:53,940
-Joe!
-I'm telling him.
238
00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:55,110
I'm gonna
hyperventilate.
239
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:56,320
You've been saying that
for 40 years,
240
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,240
and I've never seen you
do it once.
241
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,320
It's no big whoop-de-doo.
242
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,910
You had to repeat
kindergarten.
243
00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:03,740
Oh, God.
244
00:11:04,870 --> 00:11:06,410
What?
245
00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:09,370
You told me that was
super kindergarten!
246
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,840
Look, you're upset.
I'm upset.
247
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,380
Let's just go into the kitchen.
We'll have some lemon squares,
248
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:17,670
and we'll forget
about this whole thing.
249
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:19,380
No, no, no, no.
You're not buying me off
250
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:20,630
with lemon squares
this time, all right?
251
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,050
Let's get this
all out in the open.
252
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:23,890
What--what else
don't I know?
253
00:11:23,930 --> 00:11:25,140
Nothing.
254
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:27,560
You might as well
tell him about Montreal.
255
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,890
No, no!
256
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:31,770
M-Montreal? No-nothing good
happens in Montreal.
257
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,560
Okay, listen.
258
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,230
When I was 8 months pregnant
with you
259
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:38,530
we went to Montreal
for a wedding.
260
00:11:38,570 --> 00:11:40,530
I didn't know that I was
gonna give birth early.
261
00:11:40,570 --> 00:11:43,450
You were born in Canada.
It's no big deal.
262
00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:47,490
Oh, my God!
I'm Canadian?!
263
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,420
What if I was gonna
run for president?!
264
00:11:52,460 --> 00:11:55,090
When were you gonna
tell me?!
265
00:11:55,130 --> 00:11:56,590
We were kind of
rolling the dice
266
00:11:56,630 --> 00:11:58,590
you wouldn't throw
your hat in the ring.
267
00:12:03,010 --> 00:12:05,260
I don't even know you.
268
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,940
Hey, so did you talk
to your parents? How'd it go?
269
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:13,440
Yeah, I talked to 'em.
270
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,110
Well, don't be too hard
on them, honey--
271
00:12:16,150 --> 00:12:18,900
Hey, you know what?
Don't touch me.
272
00:12:18,940 --> 00:12:20,110
What?!
273
00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:21,190
Why are you mad at me?
274
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,740
I don't know.
275
00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:24,070
Maybe because before you brought
this whole thing up,
276
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:25,490
my life was perfect.
277
00:12:25,530 --> 00:12:29,200
I was an American citizen
with a 27-year-old dog
278
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,790
who just happened
to be the biggest kid
279
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:32,370
in super kindergarten.
280
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,290
-What?
-Yeah, that's right.
281
00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:37,040
I learned a couple more things
about myself tonight.
282
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,460
Thanks a lot.
283
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,800
Oh, are you seriously
blaming me for this?
284
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:44,380
Yes, I am, or as my countrymen
would say, yes, I am, eh.
285
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:48,220
Doug...
come on. Take a breath,
286
00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:50,020
and think about
what you're saying here.
287
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,430
You're saying you'd rather
live a fake, sheltered life
288
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,810
than know the truth
about things?
289
00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:56,060
Yeah.
290
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:57,480
You can't live
that way!
291
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,650
Can and did
and loved it!
292
00:12:59,690 --> 00:13:02,280
Oh, that's right,
because the way you were raised,
293
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,860
everybody loves everybody.
294
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:05,910
Nobody ever dies. The world
is made of marshmallows.
295
00:13:05,950 --> 00:13:08,410
*La la la la*
296
00:13:08,450 --> 00:13:09,660
It's dysfunctional!
297
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:10,990
No, it isn't!
It doesn't matter
298
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,660
if the world is made
of marshmallows
299
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:15,080
or if people just think the
world is made of marshmallows.
300
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,330
Either way, you're happy.
You got it?
301
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,670
Not really, no.
302
00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:21,670
The point is, my family
had a nice system in place.
303
00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:23,670
Oh, really? Tell me.
How did they manage
304
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,680
to break the news to you that
Santa Claus doesn't exist?
305
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,180
Oh! Oh, my God!
306
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:29,390
I didn't just let the cat out
of the bag, did I?
307
00:13:30,970 --> 00:13:32,810
You know, why'd you even have
to stick your nose in this?
308
00:13:32,850 --> 00:13:34,390
What does this--what does this
have to do with you?
309
00:13:34,430 --> 00:13:36,560
Excuse me. It has everything
to do with me, okay?
310
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,690
Your whole life, your parents
have shielded you
311
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:41,730
from every possible
unpleasant thing.
312
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,530
And I'm not just talking
about pretending
313
00:13:43,570 --> 00:13:46,780
that pets are immortal.
314
00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:49,820
I mean, you-- you've never
had to carry your own luggage
315
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,450
or wash a dish.
316
00:13:51,490 --> 00:13:53,240
They've treated you
like a baby.
317
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,580
That's what I'm stuck with
now-- a big baby.
318
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,170
Are not.
319
00:13:59,210 --> 00:14:01,710
Really? Okay,
who pays every bill?
320
00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:03,710
Who writes
every condolence card?
321
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,380
Who tips the frickin'
mailman every Christmas?
322
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:11,050
Hey, who tips the pizza guy
every other day, huh?
323
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,100
Yeah, yeah.
324
00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:14,810
Okay, come on.
Listen, honey,
325
00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:16,940
hopefully one day, we're
gonna be parents ourselves,
326
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:19,900
and we can't teach them
that when bad things happen
327
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:23,020
they should just bury
their heads in the ground.
328
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:25,400
[SIGHS]
329
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,450
Could if the ground
was made of marshmallows.
330
00:14:28,490 --> 00:14:32,950
Yeah, but it isn't, and we're
not gonna teach them that it is.
331
00:14:32,990 --> 00:14:35,120
Not even
when they're little?
332
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,790
No.
333
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,000
Do you have
any marshmallows?
334
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,090
DENISE: So I see this guy
at Pathmark,
335
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:51,680
and he's wearing
a pair of shoes
336
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,890
that I rented to him at the
bowling alley the day before.
337
00:14:53,930 --> 00:14:55,680
He stole 'em!
338
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,810
Son of a bitch!
339
00:14:57,850 --> 00:14:58,890
Did you call the police?
340
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,310
No, I went up to him
and I said,
341
00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:01,980
"You better give me
those shoes back,
342
00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:03,610
or there is gonna be
a big clean-up in aisle 3."
343
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:05,530
[LAUGHTER]
344
00:15:05,570 --> 00:15:07,070
He went home in socks.
345
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,660
I love vigilante justice.
346
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,660
Looks like you might be driving
the "F" train, buddy.
347
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,830
Anyway, to thank me, my manager
let me pick all the songs
348
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:21,500
for glow-in-the-dark
disco bowling.
349
00:15:21,540 --> 00:15:23,880
F.Y.I., I worked
in a bowling alley years ago.
350
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,960
-Oh, really?
-Oh, yes.
351
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,210
Cherish every minute
352
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,050
you're spraying fungicide
into those shoes,
353
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:31,470
because these are
the best days of your life.
354
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,390
I don't know.
It's okay, I guess,
355
00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:36,720
but sometimes they make me
work double shifts.
356
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,100
That I don't care for.
357
00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:40,100
So take it up
with your union rep.
358
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,900
Oh, we don't have
a union.
359
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:43,900
Really?
Then you have to organize.
360
00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:46,320
Oh, actually,
I'm thinking of leaving.
361
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,990
I just put in an application
at Lady Foot Locker.
362
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,610
So you're just gonna leave
363
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:54,410
and let the next poor schmuck
suffer in a unionless shop?
364
00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:57,410
Hey, hey, Arthur,
what are you doing?
365
00:15:57,450 --> 00:16:01,250
She's a disgrace. She cares
about nobody but herself.
366
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:02,620
Who is he to you again?
367
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,630
I'm a man
who's on to you, scab!
368
00:16:06,290 --> 00:16:08,960
What are you doing?
He likes this girl, Arthur!
369
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,260
What do you care?
You don't think
370
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,930
anybody's good enough
for him, anyway.
371
00:16:11,970 --> 00:16:13,930
-Who said that?
-He did.
372
00:16:13,970 --> 00:16:15,970
Oh, well, sure.
That's what I tell him,
373
00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:18,810
but the truth is,
I mean, he's no Van Johnson.
374
00:16:18,850 --> 00:16:20,600
I mean, look at him.
375
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,310
What?
376
00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:24,980
Okay, I think we can
all agree he's a loser.
377
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,280
The point is, no matter how
hopeless and unappealing he is--
378
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,070
-Hey, Arthur!
-Let me help you!
379
00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:35,280
Whatever he is...
380
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,490
he can certainly
do better than her.
381
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:41,290
Oh, please.
Who else is he gonna get?
382
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:42,790
He's better off alone
383
00:16:42,830 --> 00:16:45,630
than with this sex toy
for the corporate fat cats!
384
00:16:45,670 --> 00:16:47,460
What?!
385
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:48,960
I heard what you said about
that disco bowling night.
386
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,960
You don't get that
for a pair of shoes.
387
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,010
You get that on your back!
388
00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:54,970
[GASPS] What?!
That's it!
389
00:16:55,010 --> 00:16:56,180
I'm out of here!
390
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:57,300
No, no! Denise!
Denise, wait a minute.
391
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,720
No, no, no, I'm leaving!
392
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,270
I don't want to see you
or your mother or your...
393
00:17:01,310 --> 00:17:03,390
weird older male friend
again!
394
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,980
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
395
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:07,690
Sweetie! Sweetie!
396
00:17:07,730 --> 00:17:08,980
[DOOR SLAMS]
397
00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:12,240
Is it me, or was that
completely uncalled for?
398
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,450
[**]
399
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:18,950
CARRIE: Hey, guys.
What's going on?
400
00:17:18,990 --> 00:17:20,370
DOUG: Oh, you'll be
very happy to know
401
00:17:20,410 --> 00:17:22,790
that I'm taking my father
to the doctor
402
00:17:22,830 --> 00:17:25,000
for his colonoscopy.
403
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,380
Yay.
404
00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:29,420
Could be fine.
Could be scary.
405
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:31,760
At his age, who knows
what the hell's in there.
406
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,180
But the point is, look, I would
never have done this before,
407
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,430
but, you know,
I'm an adult now,
408
00:17:36,470 --> 00:17:37,840
and this
is what adults do.
409
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,890
Well, I am proud of you,
honey.
410
00:17:39,930 --> 00:17:41,010
-Thanks.
-Okay.
411
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,270
How about
being proud of me?
412
00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:44,480
I'm the one
gettin' snaked.
413
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:45,690
Good luck.
414
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,520
-Hey, there.
-Hey, Janet.
415
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,360
You hear about Doug
taking his dad to the doctor?
416
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:52,860
Pretty big step, huh?
417
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:55,860
My boy's really
growing up, you know?
418
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,490
I feel like
it was just yesterday
419
00:17:57,530 --> 00:18:00,030
he was sittin' in his jammies
eating a jelly sandwich
420
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,990
watchingHeckle and Jeckle.
421
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,580
Actually,
that was yesterday.
422
00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:04,620
Oh.
423
00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:05,830
Uh, Janet, listen.
424
00:18:05,870 --> 00:18:07,330
I want to apologize
to you for last night.
425
00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:08,420
I don't want you to think
that I told Doug
426
00:18:08,460 --> 00:18:09,830
about Rocky
out of spite.
427
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,130
I just felt
like he should know.
428
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:13,760
No, sweetheart,
he's 38 years old.
429
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,380
Eventually he's gotta learn that
life's got some bumps in it.
430
00:18:16,420 --> 00:18:18,390
Exactly.
That's why being honest
431
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:21,050
and dealing with things
head on is the only way to be.
432
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,270
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
433
00:18:25,430 --> 00:18:27,440
You're a very smart girl.
434
00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:32,900
Um, as long as we're trying
to be honest,
435
00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:34,400
do you mind
if I tell you something?
436
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,570
It's been weighing on me
for years.
437
00:18:36,610 --> 00:18:38,070
Oh, sure.
438
00:18:38,110 --> 00:18:39,110
What's up?
439
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,240
Doug was married
before?
440
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,740
He used to be a girl?
441
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:43,410
What is it?
Bring it on.
442
00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:44,740
Well, actually, sweetheart,
443
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,910
you remember when
you and Doug came to visit us
444
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,500
a few weeks
before your wedding?
445
00:18:48,540 --> 00:18:50,330
Uh, the night
we played Pictionary
446
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,790
with Garry Shandling's
parents?
447
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:57,420
Yes. Anyway, when you went to go
to the pool that Sunday,
448
00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:01,180
you left the door open,
and, uh, well...
449
00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:04,680
that's how we lost
Rocky III.
450
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:07,850
He ran away?
451
00:19:07,890 --> 00:19:10,100
She did.
452
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,270
Actually, she wandered over
to the lake,
453
00:19:12,310 --> 00:19:16,320
and, uh, a gator got her.
454
00:19:18,070 --> 00:19:20,820
A gator got her?
455
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,070
I didn't want you to feel bad,
456
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,990
but it's been on my mind
for years.
457
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,330
I killed Rocky III?!
458
00:19:27,330 --> 00:19:29,710
The gator did, dear,
but you didn't help.
459
00:19:31,330 --> 00:19:34,130
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
460
00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:36,340
How could you
tell me this?!
461
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:37,630
I thought this was
what you wanted!
462
00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:39,050
I don't want to be
a dog killer!
463
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:40,630
That's awful!
464
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,010
You see!
465
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,220
That's why it's no good
to say things!
466
00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:46,430
I knew we were right!
467
00:19:46,470 --> 00:19:47,720
I don't know
about his colon,
468
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:49,350
but his brain
ain't workin' too good.
469
00:19:49,390 --> 00:19:51,640
Forgot his car keys,
you know what I'm sayin'?
470
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,060
I killed Rocky III.
471
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,810
What?
472
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,400
I fed her to an alligator.
473
00:19:57,570 --> 00:20:00,070
Why did you tell her?!
She made me be more open.
474
00:20:00,110 --> 00:20:03,280
That's not being open.
It's being stupid.
475
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,490
You killed my dog?
I feel terrible!
476
00:20:05,530 --> 00:20:07,160
Of course
you feel terrible!
477
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,370
Because when you
hear terrible things,
you feel terrible!
478
00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:11,920
That's why we never said
terrible things around here!
479
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,380
Thank you!
480
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:15,040
Uh, Dougie,
can we do this later?
481
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,000
I got my colonoscopy.
482
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,710
Are you crazy?!
483
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:22,300
As far as I'm concerned,
you don't even have a colon.
484
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:28,220
Your body is filled with big,
fluffy marshmallows.
485
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,600
And if anything
ever happens to him,
486
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,190
you go right out
to that golf course
487
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:35,020
and you get us
a Daddy II.
488
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:36,610
Everybody got that?!
489
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:38,570
Good!
490
00:20:42,070 --> 00:20:43,530
So what do we do now?
491
00:20:43,570 --> 00:20:48,120
ALL: *Happy birthday,dear Rocky*
492
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:51,960
*Happy birthdayto you*
493
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,620
He looks good
for 28, huh?
494
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,920
Mm-hmm, he looks
real good, honey.
495
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,260
MALE ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]:
Ladies and gentlemen,we now honor
496
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,430
our neighbors to the north,with the playing
497
00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:13,140
of Canada's national anthem.
498
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:18,820
WOMAN [OVER P.A.]:
* Oh, Canada *
499
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:24,360
* Our home and native land *
500
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:32,160
* True patriot lovein all of us command *
501
00:21:36,540 --> 00:21:40,170
[**]
36107
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