All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2003) - S05E16 - Golden Moldy_track3_[eng]

* My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

I gotta tell ya, Mike, that
is one beautiful country club.

Yeah, I'm glad I could
take you out, man.

Say, you really love
your golf.

Well, of all
the major sports,

it's the closest
to just sitting down.

-Seriously, thanks again, man.
-MIKE: Yeah, well,

thank you
for watching our place

next week while
we're on vacation.

That's what
neighbors are for.

Oh, and by the way,
in case of emergency,

how do I turn on
the hot tub?

There's a dial on
the wall, go to town.

Sweet. That resort
you guys are going to

-sounds pretty awesome.
-St. Croix?

It's incredible. I'm gonna play
golf in the morning,

lie on the beach
in the afternoon,

and eat and drink
all night.

[ENVIOUS WHIMPER]
Yuspa.

Oh, hey, guys.
How was golfing?

Fantastic. And F.Y.I.,

if I ever leave you,

it'll be for Mike.

You're free to leave
at any point.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Oh, hey, Deb.
-Hi.

Hey, good,
you guys are back.

-What's up?
-Honey, I just got off

the phone with Claudia.
Craig has to fly

to Chicago next week
for some case.

-What about our trip?
-They can't go.

[SCOFFS]
I can't believe it!

The Ostermans were supposed
to go with us to St. Croix.

-Oh, that's too bad.
-DOUG: Oh...

Listen, would you
call the hotel

and change
the reservations?

The package we got
was for 4.

Oh, right.

Hey, listen, would you guys
have any interest

-in coming with us?
-Us?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, sure!

Are you sure
you're not asking us

'cause we just happen
to be standing here

-and it's awkward?
-DEBI: No!

-We would love to have you.
-Really?

-Yes, absolutely.
-Are you sure?

-Yes!
-What difference does it make?

We'll have a great time
whether they really want us

there or not.

We do. And, anyway,
if this guy doesn't

have a golf buddy,
he's gonna drag me along.

Would you guys be
able to get off work?

Well, I do have a lot
of vacation time built up.

And my job can be done
by a monkey.

These are the brochures
for the resort.

They have all
the information, prices,

stuff like that.
Look 'em over,

and just let us know.
It'll be a good time.

Okay. Well, we'll call
you guys later.

-Okay.
-All right. Bye.

-Bye
-See you.

Wow! This place
is beautiful!

Oh, my God.
Look how long

the buffet is.

And there's no mirror
at the end.

I'm hip
to that trick.

-Uh-oh.
-What?

Look at
the room rates.

Wow.

Maybe that's
in St. Croix money.

You know, croiksies.

Doug, I really don't think
we can afford this.

But--come on,
we gotta go!

Hey, you remember when mike
and Debi first moved in?

They thought
we were freaks!

Now we're their first choice
when they can't get

their real friends!

It's the comeback story
of the year!

I know, and I want to go,

it's just that
we've never spent

this much
on a vacation before.

So? Come on,
we deserve it.

All right, we work
our entire lives

at pointless,
dead-end jobs,

and we come home to TV
and stupid chit-chat.

What do you say?

Well, you do have me
re-thinking us.

-I don't know.
-Come on! Hey!

I will let you
ride this turtle.

Or this Cabana boy.

All right,
you know what?

What the hell,
let's do it.

I love you. Mwah!

-Hello, kids.
-Hey.

Whatcha got there?

Oh, just
some brochures.

Actually, Dad, it looks like
we're going down

to the Caribbean
next week.

We are?
Ooh, I'm so excited.

Well, I hope
you're excited for us.

I see. Once again,
I humiliate myself

by assuming I'm a member
of this family.

Dad, we would love
to take you,

but we're going
with another couple,

Mike and Debi
from next door.

Darling, your swinging lifestyle
is really none of my business.

Just go on
your fancy trip!

Oh, come on,
you'll have fun without us.

You can have Spence over,
and we'll bring you

back something really nice
from St. Croix.

Oh, you really think
I can be bought off

with some island trinket,

a linen summer suit,
42-short?

How insulting!

You almost ready? Taxi's
gonna be here any second.

Yup. I just need to finish
labeling these meals

for my dad.

I still think you should've
gotten one of those things

they have for cats,
you know, where the food

falls directly into the bowl
when you hit it?

I know he can
learn that, you know.

Kids, sorry to be
the killjoy here,

but I don't think
this is a good time

for you
to be going away.

Why not?

There's a very nasty odor
down in the basement.

Yes, and now it's traveled
up here.

Old people smell.

Cutting edge humor, Douglas.

-What kind of odor, Dad?
-It's quite noxious.

I've been feeling
light-headed for several days.

He's just making it up
'cause he knows we're going away

-without him.
-That's not true.

You pulled the same thing when
we were going to Ocean City.

I had sweaty palms
and you know it!

-[TAXI HORN HONKS]
-Come on, there's the taxi.

All right, honey,
could you just go down

and check it out, please?

Fine.

Come on, Arthur!

Okay, I'm smelling nothing.

It's coming
from this area.

I tried to get
the panel off,

then I got woozy
and had to lie down.

[GAGGING]

[HOARSE]
That's not bad.

What the hell
is that?!

It looks like
some type of mold.

CARRIE:
Hon, what's going on?

Uh, just a sec!

[WHISPERING] Look,
I got a taxi up there

waiting to take me
to paradise.

Here's how
it's gonna go down.

First, we're gonna
close this up,

then we're gonna
close this up.

CARRIE:
Everything okay down there?

Just fine and dandy!

-It's fine!
-And...?

I gave you fine,

but I draw the line
at dandy.

Oh, the sky
is so beautiful.

Yeah, it's like
an oil painting.

Mmm, sea air smells great,
doesn't it, honey?

[SNIFFS]

Somebody around here
has potato chips.

Thanks again
for lunch, you guys,

and for payin'
for the cabanas.

-Oh, sure.
-DOUG: Tomorrow night,

dinner is on us,

and I don't want
to hear any arguments.

-All right.
-All right.

I don't think
we're hearing any.

I hear they have
this dish here,

it's called
sizzling lobster.

It's supposed
to be incredible.

Oh, well, slap a bib on me

and watch my arteries
close up.

-Is everything okay here?
-Delightful,

or as you French would say,
It's delightful.

You folks look a little hot.

Could I cool you off
with a mist of Evian water?

Sure! You do work here, right?

Close your eyes.

Ohh. Oh, yeah.

Ohh.

You are very close
to being adopted.

All right, well...

-Here you go.
-Thank you, Mr. Heffernan.

And you know what,
here's an extra 5.00.

Soak through the girls' tops,
would you?

Honey, where's
my moisturizer?

DOUG: What?!

My moisturizer.

DOUG: I can't hear you.
I'm in the other room

of our 2-room suite!

Doug!
DOUG: Carrie?

Oy.

How great are
these robes, huh?

We look like freakin'
polar bears.

-Stop! Stop!
-[IMITATES BEAR]

You moron! Oy!

For what we're paying,

I'm taking
these robes home.

Hey, we said we were
gonna forget about money

and just enjoy
this week, right?

You're right, you're right,
you're right.

And that means treating
the mini-bar like

it's our refrigerator at home.

Wait, now I want you
to take a picture of me

with this $25
disposable camera,

eating this $7.00 Twix.
Come on here, right here.

There you go.

-Stop!
-[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Oh, that's probably Mike
about golf tomorrow,

but, you know what, I'm gonna
answer it in the sitting room

'cause this phone,
it bores me.

-Hello?
-Douglas, it's Arthur Spooner.

Okay, last name's not necessary.
What's up?

I had a Mr. Dick St. John
of Mold Masters over

to look at the situation.

Arthur, I told you
to leave it alone

and just
sleep upstairs.

And I quote:

"Large area
of interior walls

infested with
stachybotrys-type growth,

pipes and wiring
also affected."

Well, did he say how much
it would cost to clean it up?

And I quote:

"To remove all mold,

estimated cost $7,025."

$7,000?

ARTHUR [OVER PHONE]:I'll await
further instructions.

Good-bye.

-Hey. Was that Mike?
-Huh?

Uh, yeah,
it was just Mikey.

Hey, Doug, say "Twix".

-Twix.
-[CARRIE CHUCKLES]

ARTHUR: All right,
what's the delay?

Sometimes it takes
a little while

to get
on the Internet.

It's who you know,
same old story.

Okay, we're online.

All right, now get me
the skinny on mold.

They've got me living
in that Petri dish of a basement

for 5 years.

I've gotta know
what it's done to me.

Okay, here we go.
"Mold help line."

That's it.

All right, Arthur,
have you suffered

from any of the following
conditions?

-Nasal stuffiness?
-Check.

-Shortness of breath?
-Check.

Loss of
urinary control?

Double check.

All right, what else?

Well, there's
something here

about how extended
exposure could lead

to diminished
mental capabilities.

Oh, God!
I could lose my mind?!

Theoretically, yes.

Spence,
promise me this.

If you start seeing even
the slightest indication

of strange behavior
on my part,

I want you to kill me.

DOUG: Honey?

CARRIE: Yeah?

Do you know anything
about a charge

in the gift shop
for $13?

CARRIE: Yeah, I bought
a pack of gum.

Oh, gum. Okay, as long
as it was something important.

Okay, honey,
now remember,

we have dinner
reservations at 6:00,

so try to get back here
from golf by 5:00

so I can
hose you down.

-Where are you going?
-To the spa.

I booked a 2-hour
massage with Phillipe.

Hold on, uh...

Maybe I want
to give you a massage.

You do? Every time
I ask you at home,

you say,
"What's in it for me?"

I feel romantic down here,

and, you know what,
I'll give you twice

as good a massage
as Phillipe.

And I offer
additional services.

Yeah, I have Miguel
at 12:30 for that.

Very funny.
Come on, lie on the bed.

All right. This better be good,
though, I'm telling you.

Oh, believe me.
And I should tell you,

my hands are registered

with the department
of love.

Sexy fingers division.

-All right.
-OK.

There you go.

-Mmm. A little harder, hon.
-Okay.

-Split the difference!
-All right.

Thank you.

-See?
-That's better.

-Isn't that good?
-Yeah.

Use the oil, honey.

-Hmm?
-Oil.

Oh.

Oh, there we go.

Okay.

-What's going on up there?
-Nothing, nothing. It's fine.

It's fine, fine.

I feel like
I'm being marinated.

It's all good.
It's all good.

Okay, all right!
Massage over! Massage over!

-Dismount! Dismount! Dismount!
-It's fine! It's fine!
It's fine!

Thank you.
Thank you.

-It's all right.
-Thank you.

That was very sweet,
very sweet.

I think I'm gonna let Phillipe
have a crack at me now.

-Hold on. You can't go.
-Why not?

'Cause we can't afford
a massage!

What are you
talking about?

That smell
your father smelled?

It was mold, and it's gonna cost
$7,000 to fix.

$7,000?!

But you told me
you went down there

and checked everything out
before we left!

-I did.
-You said everything was okay!

I may have lied.

You may have or you did?

I may have did.

Doug!

I didn't know
it was gonna cost so much!

Okay, well,
you know what?

The vacation that we couldn't
afford in the first place

-is over.
-What?

Yeah, that's right.
Start packing, buddy.

And throw in
a few of those towels.

But the room--we already
pre-paid for the room.

We can't get
that money back.

Oh, right.

And our flights,
it's gonna cost us

more money
to change them.

Oh, my God. Suddenly, I have
an incredible headache.

That's $6.00!

Crap!

Crap!

Look, I screwed up, okay?

But the room's
already pre-paid for,

so why don't we just enjoy
the rest of the week,

and, you know, we'll take
care of the mold thing

-when we get back?
-[SCOFFS]

Okay, all right.
You're right.

But you know what,
we are not spending

another dime, OK,
more than we have to.

-Agreed?
-Agreed.

Plenty of stuff
we can do

that doesn't cost
a cent, right?

We got a beautiful
view of the ocean

right here.

Okay, I wish I would've
saw the jet skis

before we were poor.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

Hello?
Oh, hey, Mike.

No, I didn't forget
about golf.

Golf? You're
not playing golf.

I will see you there.

Okay, buddy. Take care.

Doug, if I am not
getting my massage,

you're not spending
money on golf.

[BODY THUMPS; BUSHES RUSTLE]

Fore!
[NERVOUS LAUGH]

Seriously,
sorry I'm late.

No problem, Doug. Ah,

you want to tee off
back there?

I--

You know what, I'm just gonna
hit from here.

I'm fine.
This is perfect, seriously.

-All right.
-Whoa!

Heads up
in the day care center!

-Let's play some golf.
Let's play some golf.
-All right.

Sir? You, sir!

Sir!

-Hey, you guys.
-Hey, you two.

What's up, you're
not doing a cabana?

We're kind
of cabanaed out.

Yeah, my aunt has one.
We use it a lot.

You sure? It's like 110
on the sand there.

It's all right.
I like my skin like

I like my cheese:
deep fried.

[CHUCKLES]

-Ow!
-What the matter?

[WHISPERS]
Sand's hot!

PATRICK:
And how is everyone doing?

-Can I cool you off with a mist?
-Sure, Patrick. Go for it.

MIKE: Mmm.

DEBI: Mmm.

-There you go.
-Merci. Merci.

-And now for the Heffernans.
-Oh, no! We're good!

-Oh, just a little spray.
-No, we're fine, we're fine.

-No, no--whoa, you missed me!
-Oh, ho-ho-ho!

I'm going to get you,
Mr. Heffernan!

No! Hey, hey!

No spray.

Hey, Arthur.
I just dropped by

to see if you wanna
catch a movie.

Who are you kidding?

You know
I couldn't follow it.

What?

I'm losing my mind,
remember?

ThisFamily Circuscartoon
might as well be in Greek.

Arthur, you're not
losing your mind.

You're just psyching
yourself out now.

Let's just put that
to a test.

How?

I've always been able
to debate any topic

and tear down
opposing arguments

with pinpoint logic.

You want me
to debate you?

Exactly.
We'll pick a topic,

and we'll see
if I can hold my own.

Okay,
what's the topic?

How about this:

Should the United States

normalize relations
with Cuba?

You be pro.

All right. Uh...

The Cold War's been
over for 10 years.

Cuba is no longer
a threat,

but instead could
be a valuable ally

and trading partner,

so it makes
perfect sense

to normalize
relations with Cuba.

You moron, what do you
know about anything?!

You're a frightened
little drone

that can't even
get a woman!

If you're so keen
on normalizing something,

why don't you start
with your face!

I still got it.

[**]

Sizzling lobster is served!

I love you, honey,
but tonight that is my date.

-Hey, you guys!
-There you are.

What do you got
in the bags there?

Oh, since
it's our turn to treat,

we thought we'd
do something special.

-Yeah, let's go.
-All right.

CARRIE: More ramen
noodles, Debi?

Sure.

-Mike?
-Thank you.

Still working on
my cheese and crackers.

Hey, don't you fill up
on the appetizers.

We got a whole native
island feast.

We got our pineapple,

we got our...
roast pig, huh?

Already pre-sliced
and pre-packaged

for our convenience.

And let's
kick it off first

with a little
shrimp cocktail, huh?

Whoa!
She's blowing again!

Okay!

Whoops, there goes
our wine glasses.

You guys sit tight.

Oh, sweetie, I wouldn't
put that there.

The sea gulls have
been pretty aggressive.

What's going on? I want
to go into the restaurant.

Honey, we'll go
tomorrow night.

They're obviously having
some kind of money problems.

But why didn't--
they told us--

Because--just be nice, okay?

We may have lost
a couple of napkins,

but in other news,
I can now confirm

that our Cabana boy's
definitely gay.

That's true.

Mm-mmm.

Looks kind of like
the tide's coming in.

No, no,
I checked the chart.

We got at least
12 minutes.

[GONG CHIMES]

MAN: Sizzling lobster
is served!

How 'bout you...

finish those cheese
and crackers, honey?

Yeah, right.

MAN: This is the best thing
I've ever tasted!

What are you--what are you
looking at, Mike?

Oh, nothing.
I--nothing.

Nothing.

Seems to me like
you're looking at the lobsters.

No, no, Doug, I--

'Cause tonight
we thought, you know,

we'd have a beautiful picnic
out here on the beach.

Might be more fun than sitting
in a stuffy restaurant,

but you know what,
if you want lobster,
let's get you some lobster.

It's not like
we can't afford it.

-I'm sure you can.
-I know we can.

Look, Doug,
we're friends,

and you know, it's okay
if things are a little...tight.

Things are tight?

Things aren't tight here.
What...?

Things are very loose, you know,
that's what I'm sayin'.

What makes you think
they're tight?

I don't know, I mean,

I'm sittin' on a rock
and I'm eatin' food

from 7-11.

Okay, uh, first of all,

it's from and A & P,
so get your facts straight.

And second of all,
if you want lobster,

we're gonna get you
some lobster.

-Doug!
-No, no, it's fine.

Excuse me,
can I get, uh...

2 sizzling lobsters
down there for my friends?

Actually, these are
our last 2 lobsters.

You know what,
I will take these 2.

Just charge them
to my room, please.

Okay? Thank you.

[HIGH-PITCHED]
Sizzling!

So, um...

I'm guessing everyone
on their own tomorrow?

[**]

This strap is digging
into my shoulder.

Okay, you know what,
you're carrying one bag.

I got like seven.
Keep walking.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Heffernan,
you're checking out.

Let me help you
with your bags.

-Oh, no, we're good.
-Yeah, we're good.

Oh, I'm gonna help you
this time!

[**]