All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2002) - S05E07 - Flame Resistant_track3_[eng]

*My eyes are
gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check
and drive right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

God, I love the smell
of hot wings.

I know you do, baby.

Why can't they make an
air freshener like this?

You know,
like for the car?

I think our car has enough food
smells in it, don't you think?

For milady?
Over here.

-Whoa! Thank you.
-There you go.

And I will just
sit down right here.

Actually, right here.

[FOOTBALL GAME ON TV PLAYING]

-Doug!
-Well, come on! Let me watch!

I'm here,
the Jets are on,
it's fate!

You're here every day,

and the place is owned
by a retired Jet.

It's not that
miraculous. Now up!

Up!

All right.

-[CHEERING ON TV]
-Go, go.

-Ow!
-Yeah.

Next time, it's a steak knife.
Now, sit down.

Fine.

You know, you could try
to make conversation with me.

You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.

Are you trying to see
the reflection of the TV

in my eyes?

That would be crazy.

Fumble!

Doug, come on!
Stay with me here.

Stay with me, honey.
Come on.

Please.

I'm trying to enjoy
our last moments of freedom

before your mom
comes into town.

Hey, that's no way
to talk about the woman

who brought all of this
into the world.

All right, if she brought
all of that into the world,

she would be dead.

Hey, you guys get menus?

Menus?
You're adorable.

Take out your pad.

Doug?

Oh, my God.
Margy Colletti!

Ohh!

Carrie, this is my
high school girlfriend.

Margy--Margy,
this is my wife Carrie.

-Hey, great to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.

Awkward! Wife
meeting ex-girlfriend.

Couldn't be
more uncomfortable.

Was he this much of an idiot
back in high school?

Oh, sure. He was just
like that, but acne.

Ah, yeah.

So, uh...
what are you doing?

I mean, last I heard
you were married

to some doctor
in Connecticut.

Yeah, I was till
a couple of months ago.

Now I'm divorced,
back here, waiting tables.

Kind of like Cinderella
in reverse.

Sweetheart, still
waiting on that pie.

Coming.

Hey, by the way,
you must be excited

that your mom's
coming into town.

Yeah, I am. How'd you know
she was coming in?

-We keep in touch.
-Really?

-Yeah, yeah.
-You know, Christmas cards.

Funny e-mails.

Does she send you guys
the joke of the day?

Uh, no, not since we blocked her
from our computer.

So what
can I get ya?

Well, now that
I've heard it out loud,

some kind of pie,

and any entree you think
will go well before it.

How about
a bacon cheeseburger?

Welcome home,
Margy Colletti.

So? New?

I had my annual
review at IPS,

and it turns out
your son...

is an average
worker.

Yeah.

Good for you, Dougie.
You see what happens

-when you roll your sleeves up?
-I know. I know.

Doug, can I see you
for a second?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

What's up?

Okay, take this out.
Here are the cookies

and spoons.
Go, go, go.

Whoa, settle down.
We're still eating.

Well, eat faster.

Carrie,
this is a brunch.

"Brunch"
means slow lunch.

Well, then we're
having "funch"--

fast lunch.

Come on, if we
get done by 12:00,

I can make it
to spinning, all right?

Get Mama going!

Come on, I put
some ice cubes in there

so she'll
drink it faster.

Go, go!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You're never
gonna believe who that is.

-Margy Colletti.
-How did you know?

Well, we ran
into her yesterday,

and I can see her
through the window.

Oh, fiddlesticks!
I was gonna surprise ya.

Um, you didn't invite her
to eat, did you?

Oh, no. She's
just picking me up.

We're going shopping.

Oh.

-Hey!
-Hi, honey!

Oh, it's so good
to see you!

Margy, it's one thing
stalking me in a public place,

but this is my home,
damn it!

Yeah, good one, Doug.

So, where you guys headed?

Well, I just moved
into the Sunrise Apartments,

and Janet said
she'd help me decorate.

And she's always
had such good taste.

Oh, stop.

-You do.
-I don't.

-You do. She does.
-I don't.

Okay. Let's agree
to disagree, okay?

Well, I guess I do
have kind of a flair.

Okay, let's
hit the mall.

I promise I won't have her
back too late.

-Okay.
-Bye, kids!

Bye.

Oh, Carrie.
Brunch was delightful.

Sorry I had
to cut it short.

-[DOOR CLOSES]
-There you go.

Now you can catch
your spinning class.

And don't worry.
Those dirty dishes

will be right there
when you get back.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just--

Don't you think
it's a little weird

your ex-girlfriend's
coming around

and hanging out
with your mom?

[SIGHS]
Here we go again.

I am with you.

I took a vow
for God's sakes.

Trust that.

This has nothing to
do with you, Doug.

All right?
It's about Margy and your mom.

I mean,
did you hear those two?

"I love you."
"No, I love you."

God, I thought
they were gonna make out.

Did you just call
my mom a lesbian?

Doug, come on.
I'm serious. I mean,

your mom shouldn't be
running around with Margy.

She should
be staying here

and having brunch
with us.

Wait a second.
You were just trying

to get the hell out of here.
Remember "funch"?

What the hell
happened to funch?!

And another thing,
she's decorating her apartment?

I mean, what--
what's--

She never showed
any interest in this place.

She made us those curtains,
you threw 'em out.

They had rainbows
with pots of gold on them.

And, anyway,
that's not even the point!

I think it is the point.

The only reason you want Mom
is 'cause Margy's got her.

What? No!

No, I love--

I love spending time
with your mom.

And she should love
spending time with me.

Well, I gotta tell you,
you don't exactly throw out

the "hang with me" vibe.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

Just kind of like...
[IMITATES CAT HISSING]

Well, at least
I don't walk around being huge.

What, you just did
the cat thing.

That was
just harmless fun.

You're clearly
not a cat.

You know, I gotta say
I was little surprised

that you wanted my help
picking out a dress, dear.

Really? Why? I've always liked
your sense of style.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Like, look at that pin
you're wearing.

What do you got there,
an elephant?

Oh, yeah.
It's for good luck.

-Ah!
-You know what? It's yours.

No, no, no. No, no.
That's your elephant.

No, no, I couldn't.
I couldn't. I couldn't.

-I couldn't, really.
-Fine.

I know what I'm getting someone
for Christmas...

So, where are we here?

Uh, give me
a little more information

about this function
you need the dress for.

Oh, it's a dinner
at my boss' house.

We won a lawsuit
over clean water.

I'm not sure
what side we're on.

Well, you know,
if it's a dinner,

this could
be a way to go.

Yes! That is definitely
a way to go.

It is,
but how 'bout this?

Are you posing
forPlayboymagazine, dear?

No, I am not.

You know,
the more I look around,

the more I realize
this is the one.

Well, okay!

If you love it,
then I love it.

-I love it.
-Then I love it.

Well, I'm glad
I could help.

I'm glad
you can help, too.

Let's just go ahead and ring
this bad boy right up, huh?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Thank you.

So, after this
I think you and I--

-[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-Oh, excuse me, dear.

-[BEEPS]
-Hello?

Oh, hi, Margy.
What's cooking?

Uh-huh.

Carrie and I are
at The Dress Barn.

We're done, right?

-Yeah.
-Yeah! Yeah, we're done.

So, I'll just shoot
right down there.

I'll see you in a few.

-DOUG: What you want me to do?
-I want you to talk
to your mother.

No, no. I'm not
getting involved.

Okay, fine.
I'll talk to her.

Whoa! What
are you gonna say?

I'm gonna tell her

that I don't think
it's appropriate

that she spends
so much time

with her son's
ex-girlfriend,

that it's
disrespectful to me.

Yeah,
I can't allow that.

Why not? I want this
out in the open.

I don't know how you handle
problems in your family,

but in my family,
we sweep 'em under the rug,

then we eat.
It's worked for generations.

Tough.
I'm talking to her.

Carrie, you can't.
I think it's a bad idea.

Look, my mom
will be upset,

and she'll start to cry.
And when she cries,

she doesn't just cry, okay?
She blubbers.

And she'll
continue blubbering

until you sweep
the problem

back under the rug where
all serious problems belong.

All right, fine then.
You talk to Margy.

You want me
to sit down with my ex--

alone--

and talk?

Yeah.

Just me
and a former lover.

You're not worried
about that?

Yeah, I think
I'll roll those dice.

DOUG: Hey, Margy.

Hey, Doug! You here
for Finger Fest?

No. No, actually,
I came down here

to talk to you
about something.

Hey, is Finger Fest
instead of Wing Madness

or in addition to?

Not sure.

I'm just a waitress.

You know, I'm kinda
out of the loop creatively.

Keep me posted.

Hey, look.

Didn't we have our first date
in this booth?

Yeah,
actually we did.

We came here
after we saw

a 4-foot black man
change the face of music

inPurple Rain.

Great movie.

I showed you a pretty sweet
evening that night, huh?

Yeah, you did.

Until you shot
your straw wrapper at me

and scratched
my cornea.

I probably should've known
at that point

that we weren't
meant to be.

You know when I knew
we weren't meant to be?

When you started
cheating on me

with Ricky Ledouche.

It's Ricky Ledoux,

and I only got
together with him

because it was obvious
you weren't serious about me.

That's not true.

I wrote that song
about you, for God's sakes.

Again with
that stupid song.

You told me
for 2 years

that you were
gonna write it.

I did!

Then how come
I never heard it?

Because while I was putting
the finishing touches on it,

you were rolling around
with Ledouche.

Ledoux, it's Ledoux.
And by the way,

that nickname
really hurt his feelings.

[MOCK CRYING]
Ledouche is sad!

Okay.
Okay, fine.

Sing me the song
you wrote.

I told you
I never got a chance

to completely
finish it.

Yeah,
you were pretty good

at not finishing things,
weren't ya?

You never finished
fixing up your car,

you never finished
college--

I wrote the song!

Sure you did.
I gotta get back to work.

Margy, I wrote
the song, okay?!

Hey, is Finger Fest
instead of Wing Madness, or...?

I thought we were gonna
watch the game.

Where the hell
is it?

You know,
I'm sitting here by myself.

Haven't been offered
any refreshments!

I can't right now, okay?
I'm looking for this love song

I wrote to Margy Colletti.

Margy Colletti?

The one whose cornea
you destroyed?

Okay, I didn't destroy it.

She had to wear an eye patch
for a semester.

Big whoop.

Hey, would you look
in that box right there?

What do you gotta
look for this now?

Because she doesn't
believe I wrote it, okay?

She was so smug
about it, too.

"Oh, you never
finish anything."

Yeah.

She's obviously
never eaten with you.

Ha ha ha ha.

Look in there, okay?
Any cassettes?

Yeah, yeah.
Let's see.

We gotCheap Trick
Live at Budokan,

1-2-3 Spanish,

andThe Margy Song.

That's it.
That's it!

Here we go.
Sweet vindica-she-eeone.

[DOUG TAPS MICROPHONE]

DOUG [ON TAPE]:
Check 1, check 2.

Okay, here we go.
[CLEARS THROAT]

It's October 12, 1984,
and this isThe Margy Song

by Doug "The Boss"
Heffernan.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[STRUMS GUITAR]
The Margy Song.

[CLEARS THROAT]

The Margy Song.
[CLEARS THROAT]

All right,
a song for Margy.

[STRUMS GUITAR]

*Margy girl*

*My heart's in a...
a whirl*

[SCREAMING]
Oh, yeah! Margy!

Margy! Margy!
Margy! Margy!

Margy! Margy! Margy!

Okay, I'm gonna
take a short break.

To be continued.

Okay, maybe
she was right.

Maybe
I didn't finish it.

Crap.

*Margy girl*

*My heart's
in a whirl*

*Tonight*

Yeah, it was
something like, uh...

then it was...

*Saw you in gym*

*Lookin' real trim*

*Tonight*

I can't remember it.
Damn it!

Why are you
even doing this?

Because I don't want to give her
the satisfaction

of thinking
I didn't write the song, okay?

If you're gonna
help me, help me.

If not,
get out of here.

All right, fine.

But I think
if you're gonna do this,

we should open up
the box a little.

What do you got?

Well, it's supposed to be
something from the eighties.

So why don't we
synth-rock this baby

and see where
she takes us?

[SYNTH TECHNO-BEAT PLAYING]

*Margy*

*Margy,
I'm scared of you*

*M-M-Margy*

*I'm afraid of you,
afraid of you*

*M-M-Margy,
you thrill me*

*The dirty things
that you do to me*

*Margy, you so dirty,
dirty, dirty Margy*

-[MUSIC STOPS]
-Okay.

Let's close
the box.

Okay, I've only gotten awards
for karaoke, but whatever.

Hey, Doug.
Did you, uh--

Did you talk to Margy?

Yeah.
Yeah, I did. Uh...

And is she gonna
stay away from your mom?

I don't know.
I did my best,

but I'm not sure
it sunk in.

She's
pretty attached.

-Really?
-Mmm.

Unbelievable.

Friggin' Margy
just can't stay away

from her
little advice whore.

Did you just call
my mom a whore?

I gotta go.

I gotta go
to my boss' dinner.

I'll see you guys later.

What are you doing
with the keyboard?

Uh...

Doug's helping me
write a couple of songs

for the IPS Follies.

I'm, uh,
musical director.

I actually am.

Janet.
What are you doing?

Oh, pardon me.

I'm just trying
to pick a color

for Margy's bedroom.

Something like this
might be nice.

You mind if she comes over
and takes a look?

All right. You know what?
We gotta talk.

About what, dear?

Janet, I'm
your daughter-in-law,

and you're just spending
all this time with Margy.

You know?
I'm just wondering
if maybe

you would've been happier

if Doug
would've married her.

[CRYING] Oh, my God.

What have I done?

Okay. Whoa. Okay.

Uh...

No, no, no.
It's--it's really--

It's not just you.

You know, I could've
tried harder, you know?

I...

Wow. Doug
wasn't kidding.

Here, here.
Why don't you--

Here, probably softer
than that fabric swatch.

Thank you.

Oh, Carrie.

I am so, so, so sorry.

I never meant
to make you feel badly.

No, I know
you didn't, but...

-But you did.
-[SOBBING]

No, but it's okay!
But it's okay now.

Really, it's okay.

Listen to me, darling.

Margy is
a very sweet person,

but make no mistake,

you are
my daughter-in-law.

No.

My daughter.

Thank you, Janet.

Mom.

And Margy is just
gonna have to finish

decorating her apartment
without me.

My time is for you.

Well, thank you, Janet.
That means a lot to me.

All right,
I'm gonna get dressed

for that dinner, Mom.

All right, sweetheart.

You're not gonna wear
the dress we bought together?

Oh, no.
I was just yanking this

for the dry cleaners.

It's gotta go
to the dry cleaners.

Oh, here it is.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna wear this.

Oh, I'll give you
some privacy.

Okay. Okay.

Oy.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Margy.

No. No, dear,

I absolutely
can't come over now.

All right.
Fine, fine.

But I can only stay
for 5 minutes.

[TURNS OFF CELL PHONE]

-Hey.
-Ohh!

You look beautiful.

You're gonna get
some compliments tonight.

Yeah. I'm sure people
will be talking about it.

-Yep.
-Hey, you going someplace?

Uh, yes. Uh...

I--I've got to go pick up
some diabetes medicine

for my Uncle Norman.

Right.

So, uh, well,
have a wonderful evening.

Thanks.

Uncle Norman, my ass.

I would definitely
go with the blue.

Now, darling,
I really do have to get going.

Oh, no, just stay
a few more minutes.

You haven't even
touched your wine.

A few minutes, fine.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Carrie?
-Oh, my God!

Carrie, it's not
what you think.

-Oh, no?
-She needed me.

I'm just in and out
to help with the couch
and the carpet.

And to polish off a bottle
of Chardonnay, I see.

Get your coat.
We're going home.

Really, it's not
what you think--

Coat, now, Mom.

Well, can't she just stay
to help me pick out the tiles?

Okay, listen to me,
sweetheart.

You had a mother-in-law
and you blew it, okay?

This one's mine,
so mitts off.

-What?
-What? Hello?

You're through, okay?
You're out of our lives.

DOUG: *Margy girl,
my heart's in a whirl*

*Tonight*

*I need you bad,
oh, Margy*

*I need you so,
oh, Margy girl*

*Before we met,
nothing in my life was right*

Okay, you finished it.

*But all that changed
with Margy*

*You've blown me away--
oh, Carrie*

[STOPS PLAYING]

Ladies.

* Margy girl,
my heart's in a whirl*

*Tonight*

*I need you bad,
oh, Margy*

*I need you so,
oh, Margy girl*

*Before we met,
nothing in my life was right*

*But all that changed
with Margy*

* You've blown me away,
oh, Margy *

* Remember when we met *

* Between Math and Spanish *

* You were all woman *

* What was I? *

* Well, let me tell you
what I was *

* I was mannish! *

* You were never
lookin' finer *

* Than the night
we went Becky's Diner *

* We had onion rings *

* I could fry *

* With love on the side! *

* I knew my single days
were over *

* Ridin' in your Chevy Nova *

* Margy, if you ever
said good-bye *

* I'd just lay down and die *

[**]