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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:06,670 MAN [ON TV]:Go on, draw. You ain't got nothin'. 2 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:11,800 [CLEARS THROAT] 3 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,590 [SIGHS] 4 00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:14,840 MAN [ON TV]:Hey, hey, wait a minute. 5 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:16,800 Where did you get that $300? 6 00:00:22,770 --> 00:00:24,480 Uh, hello? 7 00:00:25,730 --> 00:00:26,860 What? 8 00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:29,230 -You gonna bless me or-- -Oh. 9 00:00:29,270 --> 00:00:30,400 I thought that was a cough. 10 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,360 No. It was a sneeze. 11 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,280 Couldn't tell. 12 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,620 Well, a civilized person would ask 13 00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:38,740 was that a cough or a sneeze? 14 00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:40,370 Then if I tell you it's a sneeze, 15 00:00:40,410 --> 00:00:42,450 you'd come back with a nice "God bless you. 16 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,330 Gotta be honest with you, Doug, that sounds like a lot of work. 17 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,710 Oh, okay, it's a lot of work 18 00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:52,090 asking God to bless your husband. 19 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,550 Shame on you. 20 00:00:55,590 --> 00:00:58,090 Okay, God bless you, God be with you, 21 00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:01,350 Godspeed, and I'll even throw in a bonus gesundheit. 22 00:01:01,390 --> 00:01:03,270 You happy now? 23 00:01:03,310 --> 00:01:04,730 I don't think that was very sincere. 24 00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:06,310 Well, that's all you're gettin', bub. 25 00:01:06,350 --> 00:01:07,520 Fine. 26 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,270 [BURPS] 27 00:01:14,530 --> 00:01:16,910 Oh, I got nothing to say. 28 00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:19,740 SINGER: *My eyes are gettin' weary* 29 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,410 *My back is gettin' tight* 30 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,410 *I'm sittin' here in traffic* 31 00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:27,330 *On the Queensboro Bridge tonight* 32 00:01:27,370 --> 00:01:32,670 *But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do* 33 00:01:32,710 --> 00:01:36,840 *Is cash my check and drive right home to you* 34 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,260 *'Cause, baby, all my life* 35 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:44,560 *I will be drivin' home to you* 36 00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:58,070 What are you doing? 37 00:01:58,110 --> 00:01:59,780 Circuit training. 38 00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:03,700 Right now, I'm in between sets. 39 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,120 Doug, the accountant's gonna be here in, like, 40 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,540 20 minutes. You're supposed to be 41 00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:09,750 getting all your papers together. 42 00:02:09,790 --> 00:02:11,630 Where's your W-2, all your receipts? 43 00:02:11,670 --> 00:02:12,840 Easy, mama. 44 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:15,840 They're just pieces of paper. 45 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,260 It will take me 2 seconds to get them together. 46 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,590 Yeah, do you know where they are? 47 00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:19,880 -Me? No. -Okay. 48 00:02:19,930 --> 00:02:21,010 Well, go find them. 49 00:02:21,050 --> 00:02:23,260 Come on. Let's go. Let's go. 50 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:25,060 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 51 00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:29,350 -Hey! -Hey! 52 00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:30,730 Hey, Kirby. 53 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,940 Is something supposed to be happening here? 54 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,030 Kirby, don't you have something 55 00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:39,200 you want to say to Doug? 56 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,870 Hi. My name is Kirby Palmer, 57 00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:44,200 and I'm a student at the Robert Hoover School. 58 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,160 Well, hello! 59 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,330 -Dad! -You're not supposed 60 00:02:47,370 --> 00:02:50,080 to interrupt him. 61 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,210 -I didn't know there was more. -It's okay. It's--it's okay. 62 00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,750 -Can I start over? -Sure, buddy! 63 00:02:54,790 --> 00:02:57,630 Hi. My name is Kirby Palmer, 64 00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,010 and I'm a student at the Robert Hoover School. 65 00:03:01,090 --> 00:03:02,890 We are selling candy bars 66 00:03:02,930 --> 00:03:05,760 to raise money to... 67 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,390 -to... -to renovate 68 00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:08,890 the school library... 69 00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,730 -Can I start over? -Actually, you know what? 70 00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:12,150 I--I like what I heard, 71 00:03:12,190 --> 00:03:14,060 especially that part about candy. I'll take it. 72 00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,320 Okay, it's 5 bucks. 73 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,980 Here, you can read up on the library. 74 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,860 I'm sure you'll get right on that. 75 00:03:21,950 --> 00:03:23,070 Wow! 76 00:03:23,110 --> 00:03:25,780 I'm the mayor of chocolate town! 77 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,160 Let's all sign the declaration 78 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,210 of chocola-pendence! 79 00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:32,420 Uh, are you done? 'Cause we got a lot 80 00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:34,040 of houses to hit. 81 00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:36,340 -Yeah, I'm done. -All right, cool. 82 00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:37,420 Say thanks, Kirby. 83 00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:38,920 -All right. Later! -Thank you. 84 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,130 All right. 85 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,800 Who was that? Was that the accountant? 86 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,930 Did you send him away?! 87 00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:48,770 What are you, in love with this guy? 88 00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:49,970 It was Kirby and Deacon. 89 00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:51,770 I bought a candy bar for his school. 90 00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,100 Oh. Boy, that looks good. 91 00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:54,190 Break me off a piece? 92 00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:56,360 -What? -Break me off a piece. 93 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,030 [SIGHS HEAVILY] 94 00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:03,280 Wow, you'd think I asked you for a kidney. 95 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,990 See, people think just because it's predivided 96 00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:08,160 into little squares, that it's meant to be shared. 97 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:11,790 Suddenly, it belongs to the community. 98 00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,960 Yeah, it's an outrage. 99 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,250 ...so I figure it's best for you 100 00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:20,460 to make the maximum 401-K contribution. 101 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,800 You'll take home less now, 102 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,260 but in the end, you make more. 103 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,470 Oh, uh, Carrie, I'm gonna need your W-2 from last year. 104 00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:26,850 Yeah. I have it right here. 105 00:04:26,890 --> 00:04:27,970 Would you like some more coffee? 106 00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:29,850 Oh, no, thanks, but, uh... 107 00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,770 I have been eyeing that chocolate. 108 00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:37,940 Mind if I snag a piece? 109 00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:40,320 No problem. 110 00:04:44,860 --> 00:04:46,030 Thanks. 111 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,120 Okay, moving on-- oh, do you have a list 112 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,450 of the charitable donations you made for the year? 113 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:56,750 Well, we don't keep a list per se, um... 114 00:04:56,790 --> 00:04:59,380 but I know we definitely, 115 00:04:59,420 --> 00:05:01,920 definitely gave to charity. 116 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,260 Definitely. 117 00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,840 CARRIE: I just-- I just gotta, um... 118 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,890 I just gotta think for a second. 119 00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:12,850 Charity... 120 00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:14,230 charity... 121 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:21,400 Doe-nay-shee-own... 122 00:05:25,490 --> 00:05:27,490 Oh, wait! Wait a second. 123 00:05:27,530 --> 00:05:30,870 We gave $15 to-- to the animal shelter. 124 00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:33,330 And, oh, $20 to that rain forest fund. 125 00:05:33,370 --> 00:05:35,460 You remember, there was that booth at the supermarket? 126 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,080 Yeah, we got a certificate signed by Sting. 127 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,920 Is that it? 128 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,340 We also gave money to HBO. 129 00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:48,300 Honey? It's not charity. 130 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:49,760 It's paying your bill. 131 00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:54,310 Excuse me, they do a lot of educational documentaries. 132 00:05:54,350 --> 00:05:55,890 Like, last week, I learned that 2 dwarfs 133 00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:57,190 can have a regular-sized kid. 134 00:05:57,230 --> 00:05:58,850 It was fascinating. 135 00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:04,570 So, with the shelter 136 00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:05,860 and the Sting thing, 137 00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,490 your total for the year is... 138 00:06:07,530 --> 00:06:08,910 $35. 139 00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:12,530 Wow. Heh heh heh! You guys really knocked 140 00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,120 yourselves out there, huh? 141 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,880 What an attitude on that jerk! 142 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,960 I mean, who is he to judge us? 143 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,550 He takes chocolate he wasn't even offered, 144 00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:28,970 but we're the bad guys. 145 00:06:29,010 --> 00:06:30,260 -I don't think so. -Yeah, 146 00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:31,890 and it's not like you have to give charity 147 00:06:31,930 --> 00:06:33,140 to be charitable! I mean, it's the way 148 00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:34,930 you say hi. It's the way you smile 149 00:06:34,970 --> 00:06:36,390 -at people. -Yeah! 150 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:39,890 Although you don't smile at people a whole lot. 151 00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,360 -Stop! Neither do you. -I--I smile constantly. 152 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,980 People think I'm a lunatic half the time! 153 00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:45,440 All right, you know what? That's not the point. 154 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,440 The point is, we did give to charity, okay? 155 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,240 We gave $35! 156 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,950 -$35 is good money! -Absolutely! 157 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,160 Ugh. 158 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,950 No, it's not. 159 00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:58,460 We are horrible and selfish people. 160 00:06:58,500 --> 00:06:59,960 I mean, look at us. 161 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,880 We got a house, we got food on the table, 162 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,080 a car, and what do we do? 163 00:07:03,130 --> 00:07:04,960 We keep it all for ourselves. 164 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,170 -All of it! -We're bad. 165 00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:10,880 We're damned. We're going straight to hell. 166 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,090 You know what? Let's not panic. 167 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,600 We can still buy our way out of this. 168 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,430 All right, now, come on, come on, honey. 169 00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:16,470 Who--who do we care about? 170 00:07:16,510 --> 00:07:18,020 Who's poor? Who's needy? 171 00:07:19,270 --> 00:07:20,520 Hey, we could buy, like, 1,000 candy bars 172 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,980 for Kirby's school library. 173 00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,480 A school library. 174 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,940 -That's perfect! -Yeah! From now on, 175 00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,360 anybody who comes over to our house will get 176 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,320 a free chocolate bar. That will be our thing! 177 00:07:30,990 --> 00:07:33,110 No, you doof. I'm talking about making 178 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,120 a real donation here! 179 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,370 "Opening up young minds... 180 00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:37,990 children are our future..." 181 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,040 this is a home run, hon! 182 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,170 We love children! We love reading! 183 00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:46,500 Actually, we don't love reading. 184 00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:48,510 No, but we do think it's a good alternative to drugs. 185 00:07:48,550 --> 00:07:50,300 Yes! 186 00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:51,510 -Okay. -Okay, 187 00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:53,970 so, this is our pet cause, 188 00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:57,350 the Robert Hoover School's new library. 189 00:07:57,390 --> 00:07:59,350 -Congratulations. -And to you, sir! 190 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,520 So, how much should we give? 191 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,060 $250? 192 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:06,230 We couldn't be better people if we tried! 193 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,440 Unless we bump it up to 500. 194 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,570 Look out! Now we're better people! 195 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,160 Actually, wait a minute. 196 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,910 Can we really afford to give 500? 197 00:08:17,950 --> 00:08:20,540 Can we afford not to? 198 00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:21,660 All right... 199 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:24,580 500 big ones! 200 00:08:24,620 --> 00:08:26,130 Okay, look, it says here... 201 00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:28,960 that that puts us in the "Patrons' Circle." 202 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,050 Wow, we rocketed past "Friends and Angels." 203 00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:34,010 So long, losers! 204 00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:38,470 -"Patrons" sounds fancy. -DOUG: Yeah. 205 00:08:38,510 --> 00:08:40,680 I'm Patron Doug. 206 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,230 Just like in colonial times. 207 00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:45,650 W-what are you talkin' about? 208 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,940 I don't know, but why do you gotta call me out on everything? 209 00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,490 How great is this? 210 00:08:59,530 --> 00:09:01,700 An elementary school library dedication. 211 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,080 This is as good as it gets. 212 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,630 We are out of hell with a bullet! 213 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:10,550 Hey, guys, thanks again for coming tonight. 214 00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:12,420 I wanted to introduce you to Nana Louise. 215 00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:13,590 She runs the place, and she wanted 216 00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:14,720 to thank you for your donation. 217 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,550 -Hi. -NANA LOUISE: Oh, hi. 218 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,050 I can't tell you how much 219 00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,430 we appreciate your generosity. 220 00:09:20,470 --> 00:09:21,600 Oh, well, 221 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,060 if we can help one child read one book, 222 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:26,440 then we've done our job. 223 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,360 Oh, absolutely. 224 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,150 You know, I always say that reading 225 00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:33,570 is fundamental. 226 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,030 Nana Louise, 227 00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:37,160 can you read me this book? 228 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,530 Oh, yes, of course. 229 00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:40,740 In just a few minutes, David. 230 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,160 I'm Kenny. 231 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,500 There's so many of them. 232 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,670 -Excuse me a moment. -Sure. 233 00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:51,800 NANA LOUISE: Attention, everyone. 234 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:55,050 If you could come toward me, please. 235 00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:58,300 We want to thank our wonderful donors 236 00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:00,510 for their generosity. 237 00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:03,470 Give yourselves a great, big hand! 238 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,600 [EVERYONE CLAPPING] 239 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:12,150 And as our way of saying thank you, 240 00:10:12,190 --> 00:10:16,530 may I present our commemorative wall of donors. 241 00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:22,700 Ooh. 242 00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:24,540 Nana Louise got back. 243 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,450 Stop it! 244 00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:38,340 [APPLAUSE] 245 00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:40,430 Enjoy the rest of the evening. 246 00:10:40,470 --> 00:10:43,560 [APPLAUSE] 247 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,520 Honey, our name is on a wall! 248 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,560 How exciting is this! 249 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,640 Patrons, patrons. 250 00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,480 This is great! 251 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,530 Here we are. 252 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,750 In "Friends." 253 00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:07,830 Friends?! 254 00:11:07,870 --> 00:11:09,370 Isn't that the $50 category? 255 00:11:09,410 --> 00:11:10,580 Yeah! 256 00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:12,250 Are you sure you gave 500? 257 00:11:12,290 --> 00:11:13,880 Yeah, I'm positive, Doug. I already got 258 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,380 the canceled check back from the bank. 259 00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,840 The school must have made a mistake! 260 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,670 Huh. 261 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:20,840 Huh. 262 00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,180 Well, I mean... 263 00:11:24,220 --> 00:11:25,470 it doesn't matter, right? We-- 264 00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:27,720 we didn't do it for the credit. We... 265 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,430 did it for the kids. 266 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:31,640 Right. 267 00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:32,730 The kids. 268 00:11:32,770 --> 00:11:34,230 It's not like we can say, 269 00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:36,150 hey, we were supposed to be patrons! 270 00:11:36,190 --> 00:11:38,190 You know? That wouldn't be very charitable. 271 00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:39,570 Heh heh heh! No, it would not. 272 00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:41,700 -Heh heh heh! -Heh heh heh! No! 273 00:11:46,410 --> 00:11:47,540 Crap! 274 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,170 It doesn't matter what it says 275 00:11:56,210 --> 00:11:57,420 on that donor wall. 276 00:11:57,460 --> 00:11:58,760 We know we're patrons. 277 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,510 We're patrons where it counts: 278 00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:02,800 on the inside. 279 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,800 Yeah, but everybody who reads that wall 280 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,600 will think we're just friends. 281 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,020 Yeah, but if you think about it, 282 00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:10,430 friends may actually be better, right? 283 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,890 I mean, they write songs about friends. 284 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,560 You don't hear anything about "Gettin' by 285 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,560 with a little help from my patrons." 286 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,610 I'll tell you something, Doug. 287 00:12:17,650 --> 00:12:19,480 I think we should tell Nana Louise 288 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,740 that there's been a mistake. 289 00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:23,070 -What--no, we can't! -Why not? 290 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,200 'Cause we'll look like jerks! 291 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,120 Yeah, but now we look like cheapos. 292 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,580 Listen to me, if we say anything, 293 00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,080 we'll be undoing all the charity we did 294 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,620 in the first place, and then we're back on 295 00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:33,120 the fast track to hell! 296 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,710 All right, cool your jets 297 00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:36,500 with the hell talk, Johnny. 298 00:12:36,540 --> 00:12:40,260 Excuse me for caring about our eternal souls. 299 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,550 Wait a minute. Are you--are you serious? 300 00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:43,970 Do you--do you literally think 301 00:12:44,010 --> 00:12:46,090 we'll go to a place called hell 302 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,970 for telling Nana Louise about this? 303 00:12:49,010 --> 00:12:50,140 Not a place called hell. 304 00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:52,020 Hell! 305 00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:53,770 Oh, okay, so tell--wh--wh-- 306 00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:55,480 wh--what are you picturing here, Doug? 307 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,980 Are you picturing the devil 308 00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:58,610 in red tights with a pitchfork? 309 00:12:58,650 --> 00:13:01,860 DOUG: Those aren't tights. That's his skin. 310 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:04,070 Okay, you know what, Doug? I do not appreciate 311 00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:06,030 you making me feel like a bad person 312 00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:07,700 just because I wanna tell Nana Louise 313 00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:09,030 that there's been a mistake. 314 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,700 Well, it doesn't matter, 'cause you're not saying 315 00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:12,040 -anything anyway. -Uh, you know what? 316 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,040 I think I am. 317 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,500 -You can't! -I can. 318 00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:15,750 I'm gonna tell her at the read along 319 00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:17,000 what happened. Anybody would agree 320 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,000 that's totally appropriate. 321 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,130 Okay, obviously, we disagree here. 322 00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:22,630 You know what we need to do? We need to find 323 00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:25,220 -a neutral third party. -Okay, fine. Who? 324 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:27,010 -My mom. -Oh, yeah. 325 00:13:27,050 --> 00:13:29,010 'cause your mom won't take your side at all. 326 00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:30,560 All right, fine. Who do you wanna ask? 327 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,970 [SIGHS] 328 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,520 Soo-ji my nail lady. 329 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,100 Soo-who your what? 330 00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:37,810 Soo-ji my nail lady. 331 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,110 What? She's very moral. 332 00:13:39,150 --> 00:13:41,190 I ain't going to Soo-ji your nail lady 333 00:13:41,230 --> 00:13:43,570 with my hell questions, 'kay? 334 00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:45,280 Well, then that's your problem. 335 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,570 I wish we could just ask God, 336 00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:47,990 'cause I know he'd side with me. 337 00:13:48,030 --> 00:13:49,320 Well, we can't ask God, 338 00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:51,660 so where does that leave us? 339 00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:57,000 So, what do you think we should do? 340 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,130 Well, Doug, Carrie... 341 00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,630 what doyouthink you should do? 342 00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:06,220 Well, I think we'd kinda like 343 00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:07,840 to know what you think. 344 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,010 Well, what do you think I think? 345 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,180 Okay, let's just cut to the chase here. 346 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,230 Uh, do you think it's morally wrong 347 00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:17,690 for Doug and I to tell Nana Louise 348 00:14:17,730 --> 00:14:20,190 that we were supposed to be in the patrons' circle? 349 00:14:20,230 --> 00:14:22,610 Well, "Morally wrong" is a strong term. 350 00:14:22,650 --> 00:14:24,150 Yeah, but it certainly isn't morally right, 351 00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:26,240 -right? Hmm? -In a perfect world, 352 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,360 charity should be its own reward-- 353 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,280 Okay, okay, okay. Imagine this. 354 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:35,200 Imagine if there were priest of the year awards. 355 00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,710 Okay? We'll call them... 356 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,250 The Priesties. 357 00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:43,340 And you knew you got most of the votes, 358 00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:46,340 but for some reason, Father O'... 359 00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:49,300 Henry was named the winner, okay? 360 00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:51,680 Now, obviously you should be a priest 361 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,760 for the sake of being a priest, 362 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:54,810 but is there-- 363 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:55,930 is there really anything wrong 364 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:57,310 in wanting a little recognition? 365 00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:58,350 A little... 366 00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:01,770 "what-what" from your peers? 367 00:15:01,810 --> 00:15:03,690 Well, it's human nature 368 00:15:03,730 --> 00:15:05,690 to wanna be praised for a job well-done-- 369 00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,190 There you go. Then you see our problem. 370 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,820 PRIEST: Well, Carrie, Doug, 371 00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:11,700 this is your dilemma, 372 00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:14,280 and only you can find the answer. 373 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,120 But if you want my advice... 374 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:22,290 it may be best to let the matter drop. 375 00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:23,790 Really? 376 00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,250 Hmm. 377 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,050 Man of the cloth thinks we should drop it. 378 00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,140 Fine. 379 00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,310 Hey, anybody wanna hear me read 380 00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:36,850 Horton Hears a Who? 381 00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:38,390 KIDS: yeah! 382 00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:40,440 Whoa, whoa, okay. Wow. Wasn't expecting that. 383 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,810 Chill out. It's just a book, 384 00:15:41,850 --> 00:15:42,980 not TV. 385 00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:49,240 Hey, hey, Kirby. Psst. 386 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,110 Come here, come here, come here. 387 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:52,700 Can I show you something? 388 00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:54,950 -What? -Well... 389 00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:57,830 Doug and I donated enough money to your school 390 00:15:57,870 --> 00:16:01,250 [HIGH VOICE] to be wa-a-a-y up here, 391 00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:03,330 [POUTY VOICE] but, instead, our names are 392 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,340 way down here. 393 00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,340 Do you think that's fair? 394 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,180 How'd you like to do your Aunt Carrie a favor? 395 00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:15,260 "Should I put this speck down?" 396 00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,390 Horton thought with alarm. 397 00:16:17,430 --> 00:16:19,270 "If I do, these small persons 398 00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:21,180 "may come to great harm. 399 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,390 "I can't put it down, 400 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,350 "and I won't! After all, 401 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,230 "a person's a person 402 00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:28,780 no matter how small." 403 00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:31,950 Or how big. 404 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,830 So, you're just gonna tell Nana Louise 405 00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,210 that Doug and I were supposed to be... 406 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,380 starts with a P. 407 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,170 Pay... 408 00:16:52,090 --> 00:16:54,300 Patrons, Kirby. Patrons. 409 00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:56,340 Okay, maybe we should go over this again. Okay. 410 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,850 I have to go to the bathroom. 411 00:16:57,890 --> 00:16:59,010 All right, well, you're a big boy, 412 00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,930 you can hold it, right? 413 00:17:00,970 --> 00:17:02,390 -It hurts. -Yeah, all right. 414 00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:05,440 -I need you to focus, honey. -No, no! Kir-Kirby! 415 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,310 Hey, uh, what's going on? 416 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,820 Oh, well, um, 417 00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,280 Kirby noticed that we were listed 418 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,820 as Friends instead of Patrons on the wall, 419 00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:14,030 and he was pretty upset. 420 00:17:14,070 --> 00:17:15,860 He wanted to talk to Nana Louise. 421 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,200 Have you guys read this? It's very good. 422 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,160 Why would Kirby care where you're listed on the wall? 423 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,210 What? 424 00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:26,330 What is wrong with you? 425 00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:27,460 CARRIE: It's perfect! 426 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:28,540 What's more innocent 427 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,300 than having it come from a child? 428 00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,550 All right, you know, this is--this is it. 429 00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:33,970 This is where I get off, girlfriend. 430 00:17:34,010 --> 00:17:35,510 -What does that mean? -That means you're free 431 00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:38,090 to marry your true love: Satan! 432 00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:41,310 He said Santa. Okay, 433 00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:43,140 am I gonna have to have you two removed 434 00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:45,060 -from an elementary school? -Okay, but it's not my fault, 435 00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,520 -it's her fault. She's sick! -CARRIE: No, no, no, 436 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,980 I'm not sick, honey. I--I-- 437 00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:49,270 I realized something about myself, okay? 438 00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:52,280 I'm not a bad person. I'm just very petty. 439 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,400 I want to do good things for people, 440 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,910 I just want them to know that I'm doing them. 441 00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:58,280 And that's sick! 442 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,200 Is there a problem? 443 00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:05,120 Actually, Nana Louise, there is. 444 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,120 ...so I guess the zero got dropped 445 00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,250 somewhere along the way. 446 00:18:09,290 --> 00:18:10,340 Oh! 447 00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:12,420 I feel terrible. 448 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,800 Well, it didn't bother us. It's just that if people were 449 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,010 to see that we were patrons, 450 00:18:16,050 --> 00:18:18,260 it might inspire them to give more. 451 00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,930 It's for the kids, really. 452 00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:26,020 Again, I'm so sorry. 453 00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,980 We'll have to make it up to you. 454 00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:31,150 Well, um, you know, I should get back out there. 455 00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:34,280 I promised little Timmy I'd read himCharlotte's Web. 456 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,110 There is no little Timmy. You're the Queen of Darkness. 457 00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,820 Shut up. 458 00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:43,450 All right, an extra zero would make that... 459 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:44,490 [gasps] 460 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,210 $5,000. 461 00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,170 Oh, my! 462 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,590 What the... 463 00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:58,930 They named the library after us? 464 00:19:00,930 --> 00:19:02,600 Really? 465 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,020 Yeah. 466 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,430 Look, I don't really have all the details, 467 00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:07,600 but I've got a gut feeling 468 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,560 that wasn't supposed to happen. 469 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,270 -You know what? It probably-- -Ah! 470 00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,900 Please. Understand something? 471 00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:17,990 I only stopped by that day as a courtesy 472 00:19:18,030 --> 00:19:20,240 because I know Doug likes candy. 473 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,450 I didn't realize the evil 474 00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:23,620 I would be unleashing. 475 00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:25,240 So, if you don't see me and my son 476 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:26,620 come around for a while, 477 00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,620 I think you'll know why. 478 00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:30,210 Good-bye. 479 00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:32,210 And good day. 480 00:19:34,250 --> 00:19:36,500 Nana Louise must have screwed up again. 481 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,470 We're gonna have to go down there and straighten it out. 482 00:19:39,510 --> 00:19:40,880 Do we? 483 00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:44,350 -What? -What? 484 00:19:44,390 --> 00:19:47,220 I've always wanted a library. 485 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,230 -You've always wanted a library? -Okay, 486 00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:50,560 I've always wanted a jaguar, 487 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:51,690 but I'm never gonna get that, 488 00:19:51,730 --> 00:19:53,610 so let me have this! 489 00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:54,940 Carrie, if we don't fix this, 490 00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:56,360 we're definitely going to hell! 491 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,190 No, we're going to heaven! 492 00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,950 We donated a freakin' library! 493 00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:04,950 But we didn't! God knows that! 494 00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:07,200 God will see the big sign 495 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,250 with our names on it and move on to other stuff. 496 00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:11,920 He doesn't check into those things! 497 00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:14,420 Carrie, sweetheart, listen to me. 498 00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:19,130 The library doesn't belong to us. 499 00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:21,050 We gotta give it back. 500 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:23,930 Tch, tch, tcha! 501 00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:28,560 Fine! 502 00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:33,560 I'm confused. 503 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,940 No, see--see, we--we gave 500. 504 00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:38,610 You just added an extra zero, that's all. 505 00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:40,740 Look, if it's easier for you to keep the sign up, 506 00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:42,070 we're--we're okay with that. 507 00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,530 Carrie... 508 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,490 Oh, boy. 509 00:20:46,530 --> 00:20:50,410 I seem to make so many silly mistakes these days. 510 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,540 The school board isn't gonna be too happy with me. 511 00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:55,710 I'm sure they'll understand. 512 00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,130 Children, 513 00:20:58,170 --> 00:20:59,460 the school board says 514 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:02,590 that Nana Louise is very tired 515 00:21:02,630 --> 00:21:05,640 and can't read to you anymore. 516 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,010 No, Nana Louise! 517 00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:08,260 Don't go! 518 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,260 Oh... 519 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,390 don't cry, Leonard. 520 00:21:11,430 --> 00:21:13,440 I'm Richie. 521 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,060 Oh... 522 00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,400 oh, dear. 523 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,070 We got a sweet old lady fired, 524 00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:25,110 and we're starting to get a little concerned 525 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,280 about this whole hell thing? 526 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,580 Um... 527 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,240 what's the deal-io on that? 528 00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:43,420 Hi. I'm selling boxes of cookies 529 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,800 so my troop can go see the Liberty Bell. 530 00:21:47,260 --> 00:21:49,350 All right, I'm gonna do you a favor here. 531 00:21:49,390 --> 00:21:51,890 Go away and don't come back. 532 00:21:51,930 --> 00:21:53,430 Tell the others. 533 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,730 Wait, wait, wait! 534 00:21:55,770 --> 00:21:58,270 Quick. One box of the shortbread. 535 00:22:00,690 --> 00:22:03,190 Now go! Go! 536 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,370 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 37045

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