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MAN [ON TV]:Go on, draw.You ain't got nothin'.
2
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:11,800
[CLEARS THROAT]
3
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,590
[SIGHS]
4
00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:14,840
MAN [ON TV]:Hey, hey,wait a minute.
5
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:16,800
Where did you get that $300?
6
00:00:22,770 --> 00:00:24,480
Uh, hello?
7
00:00:25,730 --> 00:00:26,860
What?
8
00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:29,230
-You gonna bless me or--
-Oh.
9
00:00:29,270 --> 00:00:30,400
I thought that was a cough.
10
00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,360
No.
It was a sneeze.
11
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,280
Couldn't tell.
12
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,620
Well, a civilized
person would ask
13
00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:38,740
was that a cough
or a sneeze?
14
00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:40,370
Then if I tell you
it's a sneeze,
15
00:00:40,410 --> 00:00:42,450
you'd come back
with a nice "God bless you.
16
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,330
Gotta be honest with you, Doug,
that sounds like a lot of work.
17
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,710
Oh, okay,
it's a lot of work
18
00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:52,090
asking God
to bless your husband.
19
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,550
Shame on you.
20
00:00:55,590 --> 00:00:58,090
Okay, God bless you,
God be with you,
21
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:01,350
Godspeed, and I'll even throw
in a bonus gesundheit.
22
00:01:01,390 --> 00:01:03,270
You happy now?
23
00:01:03,310 --> 00:01:04,730
I don't think
that was very sincere.
24
00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:06,310
Well, that's all
you're gettin', bub.
25
00:01:06,350 --> 00:01:07,520
Fine.
26
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,270
[BURPS]
27
00:01:14,530 --> 00:01:16,910
Oh, I got nothing to say.
28
00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:19,740
SINGER: *My eyesare gettin' weary*
29
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,410
*My back is gettin' tight*
30
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,410
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
31
00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:27,330
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
32
00:01:27,370 --> 00:01:32,670
*But I don't care,'cause all I wanna do*
33
00:01:32,710 --> 00:01:36,840
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
34
00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,260
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
35
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:44,560
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
36
00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:58,070
What are you doing?
37
00:01:58,110 --> 00:01:59,780
Circuit training.
38
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:03,700
Right now,
I'm in between sets.
39
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,120
Doug, the accountant's
gonna be here in, like,
40
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,540
20 minutes.
You're supposed to be
41
00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:09,750
getting all your papers
together.
42
00:02:09,790 --> 00:02:11,630
Where's your W-2,
all your receipts?
43
00:02:11,670 --> 00:02:12,840
Easy, mama.
44
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:15,840
They're just
pieces of paper.
45
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,260
It will take me 2 seconds
to get them together.
46
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,590
Yeah, do you know
where they are?
47
00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:19,880
-Me? No.
-Okay.
48
00:02:19,930 --> 00:02:21,010
Well,
go find them.
49
00:02:21,050 --> 00:02:23,260
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go.
50
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:25,060
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
51
00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:29,350
-Hey!
-Hey!
52
00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:30,730
Hey, Kirby.
53
00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,940
Is something supposed
to be happening here?
54
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,030
Kirby, don't you
have something
55
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:39,200
you want to say
to Doug?
56
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,870
Hi. My name
is Kirby Palmer,
57
00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:44,200
and I'm a student
at the Robert Hoover School.
58
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,160
Well, hello!
59
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,330
-Dad!
-You're not supposed
60
00:02:47,370 --> 00:02:50,080
to interrupt him.
61
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,210
-I didn't know there was more.
-It's okay. It's--it's okay.
62
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,750
-Can I start over?
-Sure, buddy!
63
00:02:54,790 --> 00:02:57,630
Hi. My name is Kirby Palmer,
64
00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,010
and I'm a student
at the Robert Hoover School.
65
00:03:01,090 --> 00:03:02,890
We are selling candy bars
66
00:03:02,930 --> 00:03:05,760
to raise money to...
67
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,390
-to...
-to renovate
68
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:08,890
the school library...
69
00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,730
-Can I start over?
-Actually, you know what?
70
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:12,150
I--I like
what I heard,
71
00:03:12,190 --> 00:03:14,060
especially that part
about candy. I'll take it.
72
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,320
Okay, it's 5 bucks.
73
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,980
Here, you can read up
on the library.
74
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,860
I'm sure you'll
get right on that.
75
00:03:21,950 --> 00:03:23,070
Wow!
76
00:03:23,110 --> 00:03:25,780
I'm the mayor
of chocolate town!
77
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,160
Let's all sign
the declaration
78
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,210
of chocola-pendence!
79
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:32,420
Uh, are you done?
'Cause we got a lot
80
00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:34,040
of houses to hit.
81
00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:36,340
-Yeah, I'm done.
-All right, cool.
82
00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:37,420
Say thanks, Kirby.
83
00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:38,920
-All right. Later!
-Thank you.
84
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,130
All right.
85
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,800
Who was that?
Was that the accountant?
86
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,930
Did you send him away?!
87
00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:48,770
What are you,
in love with this guy?
88
00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:49,970
It was Kirby and Deacon.
89
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:51,770
I bought a candy bar
for his school.
90
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,100
Oh. Boy, that
looks good.
91
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:54,190
Break me off a piece?
92
00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:56,360
-What?
-Break me off a piece.
93
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,030
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
94
00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:03,280
Wow, you'd think
I asked you for a kidney.
95
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,990
See, people think
just because it's predivided
96
00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:08,160
into little squares,
that it's meant to be shared.
97
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:11,790
Suddenly, it belongs
to the community.
98
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,960
Yeah,
it's an outrage.
99
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,250
...so I figure
it's best for you
100
00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:20,460
to make the maximum
401-K contribution.
101
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,800
You'll take home less now,
102
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,260
but in the end,
you make more.
103
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,470
Oh, uh, Carrie, I'm gonna
need your W-2 from last year.
104
00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:26,850
Yeah. I have it
right here.
105
00:04:26,890 --> 00:04:27,970
Would you like
some more coffee?
106
00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:29,850
Oh, no, thanks,
but, uh...
107
00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,770
I have been eyeing
that chocolate.
108
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:37,940
Mind if I snag a piece?
109
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:40,320
No problem.
110
00:04:44,860 --> 00:04:46,030
Thanks.
111
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,120
Okay, moving on--
oh, do you have a list
112
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,450
of the charitable donations
you made for the year?
113
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:56,750
Well, we don't keep
a list per se, um...
114
00:04:56,790 --> 00:04:59,380
but I know
we definitely,
115
00:04:59,420 --> 00:05:01,920
definitely
gave to charity.
116
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,260
Definitely.
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00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,840
CARRIE: I just--
I just gotta, um...
118
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,890
I just gotta think
for a second.
119
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:12,850
Charity...
120
00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:14,230
charity...
121
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:21,400
Doe-nay-shee-own...
122
00:05:25,490 --> 00:05:27,490
Oh, wait!
Wait a second.
123
00:05:27,530 --> 00:05:30,870
We gave $15 to--
to the animal shelter.
124
00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:33,330
And, oh, $20 to that
rain forest fund.
125
00:05:33,370 --> 00:05:35,460
You remember, there was that
booth at the supermarket?
126
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,080
Yeah, we got a certificate
signed by Sting.
127
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,920
Is that it?
128
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,340
We also gave money to HBO.
129
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:48,300
Honey?
It's not charity.
130
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:49,760
It's paying your bill.
131
00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:54,310
Excuse me, they do a lot
of educational documentaries.
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00:05:54,350 --> 00:05:55,890
Like, last week,
I learned that 2 dwarfs
133
00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:57,190
can have a regular-sized kid.
134
00:05:57,230 --> 00:05:58,850
It was fascinating.
135
00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:04,570
So, with the shelter
136
00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:05,860
and the Sting thing,
137
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,490
your total for the year is...
138
00:06:07,530 --> 00:06:08,910
$35.
139
00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:12,530
Wow. Heh heh heh!
You guys really knocked
140
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,120
yourselves out there, huh?
141
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,880
What an attitude
on that jerk!
142
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,960
I mean, who is he
to judge us?
143
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,550
He takes chocolate
he wasn't even offered,
144
00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:28,970
but we're the bad guys.
145
00:06:29,010 --> 00:06:30,260
-I don't think so.
-Yeah,
146
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:31,890
and it's not like
you have to give charity
147
00:06:31,930 --> 00:06:33,140
to be charitable!
I mean, it's the way
148
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:34,930
you say hi.
It's the way you smile
149
00:06:34,970 --> 00:06:36,390
-at people.
-Yeah!
150
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:39,890
Although you don't smile
at people a whole lot.
151
00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,360
-Stop! Neither do you.
-I--I smile constantly.
152
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,980
People think I'm
a lunatic half the time!
153
00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:45,440
All right, you know what?
That's not the point.
154
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,440
The point is,
we did give to charity, okay?
155
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,240
We gave $35!
156
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,950
-$35 is good money!
-Absolutely!
157
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,160
Ugh.
158
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,950
No, it's not.
159
00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:58,460
We are horrible
and selfish people.
160
00:06:58,500 --> 00:06:59,960
I mean, look at us.
161
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,880
We got a house,
we got food on the table,
162
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,080
a car, and what do we do?
163
00:07:03,130 --> 00:07:04,960
We keep it all
for ourselves.
164
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,170
-All of it!
-We're bad.
165
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:10,880
We're damned.
We're going straight to hell.
166
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,090
You know what?
Let's not panic.
167
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,600
We can still buy
our way out of this.
168
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,430
All right, now,
come on, come on, honey.
169
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:16,470
Who--who do we care about?
170
00:07:16,510 --> 00:07:18,020
Who's poor? Who's needy?
171
00:07:19,270 --> 00:07:20,520
Hey, we could buy, like,
1,000 candy bars
172
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,980
for Kirby's school library.
173
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,480
A school library.
174
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,940
-That's perfect!
-Yeah! From now on,
175
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,360
anybody who comes over
to our house will get
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00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,320
a free chocolate bar.
That will be our thing!
177
00:07:30,990 --> 00:07:33,110
No, you doof.
I'm talking about making
178
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,120
a real donation here!
179
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,370
"Opening up young minds...
180
00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:37,990
children are our future..."
181
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,040
this is a home run, hon!
182
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,170
We love children!
We love reading!
183
00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:46,500
Actually, we don't
love reading.
184
00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:48,510
No, but we do think it's
a good alternative to drugs.
185
00:07:48,550 --> 00:07:50,300
Yes!
186
00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:51,510
-Okay.
-Okay,
187
00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:53,970
so, this
is our pet cause,
188
00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:57,350
the Robert Hoover School's
new library.
189
00:07:57,390 --> 00:07:59,350
-Congratulations.
-And to you, sir!
190
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,520
So, how much
should we give?
191
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,060
$250?
192
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:06,230
We couldn't be
better people if we tried!
193
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,440
Unless we
bump it up to 500.
194
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,570
Look out!
Now we're better people!
195
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,160
Actually,
wait a minute.
196
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,910
Can we really afford
to give 500?
197
00:08:17,950 --> 00:08:20,540
Can we afford not to?
198
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:21,660
All right...
199
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:24,580
500 big ones!
200
00:08:24,620 --> 00:08:26,130
Okay, look, it says here...
201
00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:28,960
that that puts us
in the "Patrons' Circle."
202
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,050
Wow, we rocketed
past "Friends and Angels."
203
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:34,010
So long, losers!
204
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:38,470
-"Patrons" sounds fancy.
-DOUG: Yeah.
205
00:08:38,510 --> 00:08:40,680
I'm Patron Doug.
206
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,230
Just like in colonial times.
207
00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:45,650
W-what are you talkin' about?
208
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,940
I don't know, but why do you
gotta call me out on everything?
209
00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,490
How great is this?
210
00:08:59,530 --> 00:09:01,700
An elementary school
library dedication.
211
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,080
This is as good
as it gets.
212
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,630
We are out of hell
with a bullet!
213
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:10,550
Hey, guys, thanks again
for coming tonight.
214
00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:12,420
I wanted to introduce
you to Nana Louise.
215
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:13,590
She runs the place,
and she wanted
216
00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:14,720
to thank you
for your donation.
217
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,550
-Hi.
-NANA LOUISE: Oh, hi.
218
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,050
I can't tell you how much
219
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,430
we appreciate your generosity.
220
00:09:20,470 --> 00:09:21,600
Oh, well,
221
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,060
if we can help one child
read one book,
222
00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:26,440
then we've done our job.
223
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,360
Oh, absolutely.
224
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,150
You know, I always
say that reading
225
00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:33,570
is fundamental.
226
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,030
Nana Louise,
227
00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:37,160
can you read me
this book?
228
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,530
Oh, yes, of course.
229
00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:40,740
In just
a few minutes, David.
230
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,160
I'm Kenny.
231
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,500
There's so many of them.
232
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,670
-Excuse me a moment.
-Sure.
233
00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:51,800
NANA LOUISE:
Attention, everyone.
234
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:55,050
If you could come
toward me, please.
235
00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:58,300
We want to thank
our wonderful donors
236
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:00,510
for their generosity.
237
00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:03,470
Give yourselves
a great, big hand!
238
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,600
[EVERYONE CLAPPING]
239
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:12,150
And as our way
of saying thank you,
240
00:10:12,190 --> 00:10:16,530
may I present our
commemorative wall of donors.
241
00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:22,700
Ooh.
242
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:24,540
Nana Louise got back.
243
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,450
Stop it!
244
00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:38,340
[APPLAUSE]
245
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:40,430
Enjoy the rest
of the evening.
246
00:10:40,470 --> 00:10:43,560
[APPLAUSE]
247
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,520
Honey, our name
is on a wall!
248
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,560
How exciting is this!
249
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,640
Patrons, patrons.
250
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,480
This is great!
251
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,530
Here we are.
252
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,750
In "Friends."
253
00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:07,830
Friends?!
254
00:11:07,870 --> 00:11:09,370
Isn't that
the $50 category?
255
00:11:09,410 --> 00:11:10,580
Yeah!
256
00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:12,250
Are you sure
you gave 500?
257
00:11:12,290 --> 00:11:13,880
Yeah, I'm positive, Doug.
I already got
258
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,380
the canceled check
back from the bank.
259
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,840
The school must
have made a mistake!
260
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,670
Huh.
261
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:20,840
Huh.
262
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,180
Well, I mean...
263
00:11:24,220 --> 00:11:25,470
it doesn't matter,
right? We--
264
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:27,720
we didn't do it
for the credit. We...
265
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,430
did it for the kids.
266
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:31,640
Right.
267
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:32,730
The kids.
268
00:11:32,770 --> 00:11:34,230
It's not like
we can say,
269
00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:36,150
hey, we were supposed
to be patrons!
270
00:11:36,190 --> 00:11:38,190
You know? That wouldn't
be very charitable.
271
00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:39,570
Heh heh heh!
No, it would not.
272
00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:41,700
-Heh heh heh!
-Heh heh heh! No!
273
00:11:46,410 --> 00:11:47,540
Crap!
274
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,170
It doesn't matter
what it says
275
00:11:56,210 --> 00:11:57,420
on that donor wall.
276
00:11:57,460 --> 00:11:58,760
We know we're patrons.
277
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,510
We're patrons
where it counts:
278
00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:02,800
on the inside.
279
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,800
Yeah, but everybody
who reads that wall
280
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,600
will think
we're just friends.
281
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,020
Yeah, but if you
think about it,
282
00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:10,430
friends may actually
be better, right?
283
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,890
I mean, they write songs
about friends.
284
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,560
You don't hear anything
about "Gettin' by
285
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,560
with a little help
from my patrons."
286
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,610
I'll tell you
something, Doug.
287
00:12:17,650 --> 00:12:19,480
I think we should
tell Nana Louise
288
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,740
that there's
been a mistake.
289
00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:23,070
-What--no, we can't!
-Why not?
290
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,200
'Cause we'll
look like jerks!
291
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,120
Yeah, but now we
look like cheapos.
292
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,580
Listen to me,
if we say anything,
293
00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,080
we'll be undoing
all the charity we did
294
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,620
in the first place,
and then we're back on
295
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:33,120
the fast track to hell!
296
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,710
All right, cool your jets
297
00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:36,500
with the hell talk,
Johnny.
298
00:12:36,540 --> 00:12:40,260
Excuse me for caring
about our eternal souls.
299
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,550
Wait a minute.
Are you--are you serious?
300
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:43,970
Do you--do you
literally think
301
00:12:44,010 --> 00:12:46,090
we'll go to a place
called hell
302
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,970
for telling Nana Louise
about this?
303
00:12:49,010 --> 00:12:50,140
Not a place called hell.
304
00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:52,020
Hell!
305
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:53,770
Oh, okay, so
tell--wh--wh--
306
00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:55,480
wh--what are you
picturing here, Doug?
307
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,980
Are you picturing
the devil
308
00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:58,610
in red tights
with a pitchfork?
309
00:12:58,650 --> 00:13:01,860
DOUG: Those aren't tights.
That's his skin.
310
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:04,070
Okay, you know what, Doug?
I do not appreciate
311
00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:06,030
you making me feel
like a bad person
312
00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:07,700
just because I wanna
tell Nana Louise
313
00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:09,030
that there's
been a mistake.
314
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,700
Well, it doesn't matter,
'cause you're not saying
315
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:12,040
-anything anyway.
-Uh, you know what?
316
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,040
I think I am.
317
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,500
-You can't!
-I can.
318
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:15,750
I'm gonna tell her
at the read along
319
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:17,000
what happened.
Anybody would agree
320
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,000
that's totally
appropriate.
321
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,130
Okay, obviously,
we disagree here.
322
00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:22,630
You know what we need to do?
We need to find
323
00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:25,220
-a neutral third party.
-Okay, fine. Who?
324
00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:27,010
-My mom.
-Oh, yeah.
325
00:13:27,050 --> 00:13:29,010
'cause your mom won't
take your side at all.
326
00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:30,560
All right, fine.
Who do you wanna ask?
327
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,970
[SIGHS]
328
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,520
Soo-ji my nail lady.
329
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,100
Soo-who your what?
330
00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:37,810
Soo-ji my nail lady.
331
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,110
What? She's very moral.
332
00:13:39,150 --> 00:13:41,190
I ain't going to Soo-ji
your nail lady
333
00:13:41,230 --> 00:13:43,570
with my hell questions,
'kay?
334
00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:45,280
Well, then
that's your problem.
335
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,570
I wish we could
just ask God,
336
00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:47,990
'cause I know
he'd side with me.
337
00:13:48,030 --> 00:13:49,320
Well, we can't
ask God,
338
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:51,660
so where does
that leave us?
339
00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:57,000
So, what do you
think we should do?
340
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,130
Well, Doug, Carrie...
341
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,630
what doyouthink
you should do?
342
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:06,220
Well, I think
we'd kinda like
343
00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:07,840
to know
what you think.
344
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,010
Well, what do you
think I think?
345
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,180
Okay, let's just
cut to the chase here.
346
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,230
Uh, do you think
it's morally wrong
347
00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:17,690
for Doug and I
to tell Nana Louise
348
00:14:17,730 --> 00:14:20,190
that we were supposed to be
in the patrons' circle?
349
00:14:20,230 --> 00:14:22,610
Well, "Morally wrong"
is a strong term.
350
00:14:22,650 --> 00:14:24,150
Yeah, but it certainly
isn't morally right,
351
00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:26,240
-right? Hmm?
-In a perfect world,
352
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,360
charity should be
its own reward--
353
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,280
Okay, okay, okay.
Imagine this.
354
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:35,200
Imagine if there were
priest of the year awards.
355
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,710
Okay? We'll call them...
356
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,250
The Priesties.
357
00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:43,340
And you knew you got
most of the votes,
358
00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:46,340
but for some reason,
Father O'...
359
00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:49,300
Henry was named
the winner, okay?
360
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:51,680
Now, obviously
you should be a priest
361
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,760
for the sake
of being a priest,
362
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:54,810
but is there--
363
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:55,930
is there really
anything wrong
364
00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:57,310
in wanting
a little recognition?
365
00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:58,350
A little...
366
00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:01,770
"what-what"
from your peers?
367
00:15:01,810 --> 00:15:03,690
Well, it's human nature
368
00:15:03,730 --> 00:15:05,690
to wanna be praised
for a job well-done--
369
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,190
There you go.
Then you see our problem.
370
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,820
PRIEST: Well, Carrie, Doug,
371
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:11,700
this is your dilemma,
372
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:14,280
and only you
can find the answer.
373
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,120
But if you want
my advice...
374
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:22,290
it may be best to let
the matter drop.
375
00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:23,790
Really?
376
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,250
Hmm.
377
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,050
Man of the cloth thinks
we should drop it.
378
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,140
Fine.
379
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,310
Hey, anybody wanna
hear me read
380
00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:36,850
Horton Hears a Who?
381
00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:38,390
KIDS: yeah!
382
00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:40,440
Whoa, whoa, okay. Wow.
Wasn't expecting that.
383
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,810
Chill out.
It's just a book,
384
00:15:41,850 --> 00:15:42,980
not TV.
385
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:49,240
Hey, hey, Kirby. Psst.
386
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,110
Come here,
come here, come here.
387
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:52,700
Can I show you
something?
388
00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:54,950
-What?
-Well...
389
00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:57,830
Doug and I donated
enough money to your school
390
00:15:57,870 --> 00:16:01,250
[HIGH VOICE]
to be wa-a-a-y up here,
391
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:03,330
[POUTY VOICE]
but, instead, our names are
392
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,340
way down here.
393
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,340
Do you think
that's fair?
394
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,180
How'd you like to do
your Aunt Carrie a favor?
395
00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:15,260
"Should I putthis speck down?"
396
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,390
Horton thought
with alarm.
397
00:16:17,430 --> 00:16:19,270
"If I do,these small persons
398
00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:21,180
"may cometo great harm.
399
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,390
"I can't put it down,
400
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,350
"and I won't!After all,
401
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,230
"a person's a person
402
00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:28,780
no matter how small."
403
00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:31,950
Or how big.
404
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,830
So, you're just
gonna tell Nana Louise
405
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,210
that Doug and I
were supposed to be...
406
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,380
starts with a P.
407
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,170
Pay...
408
00:16:52,090 --> 00:16:54,300
Patrons, Kirby.
Patrons.
409
00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:56,340
Okay, maybe we should
go over this again. Okay.
410
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,850
I have to go
to the bathroom.
411
00:16:57,890 --> 00:16:59,010
All right, well,
you're a big boy,
412
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,930
you can hold it, right?
413
00:17:00,970 --> 00:17:02,390
-It hurts.
-Yeah, all right.
414
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:05,440
-I need you to focus, honey.
-No, no! Kir-Kirby!
415
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,310
Hey, uh,
what's going on?
416
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,820
Oh, well, um,
417
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,280
Kirby noticed
that we were listed
418
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,820
as Friends instead
of Patrons on the wall,
419
00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:14,030
and he was pretty upset.
420
00:17:14,070 --> 00:17:15,860
He wanted to talk
to Nana Louise.
421
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,200
Have you guys read this?
It's very good.
422
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,160
Why would Kirby care
where you're listed on the wall?
423
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,210
What?
424
00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:26,330
What is wrong
with you?
425
00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:27,460
CARRIE: It's perfect!
426
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:28,540
What's more innocent
427
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,300
than having it come
from a child?
428
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,550
All right, you know,
this is--this is it.
429
00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:33,970
This is where
I get off, girlfriend.
430
00:17:34,010 --> 00:17:35,510
-What does that mean?
-That means you're free
431
00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:38,090
to marry your true love:
Satan!
432
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:41,310
He said Santa. Okay,
433
00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:43,140
am I gonna have to
have you two removed
434
00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:45,060
-from an elementary school?
-Okay, but it's not my fault,
435
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,520
-it's her fault. She's sick!
-CARRIE: No, no, no,
436
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,980
I'm not sick, honey.
I--I--
437
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:49,270
I realized something
about myself, okay?
438
00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:52,280
I'm not a bad person.
I'm just very petty.
439
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,400
I want to do good things
for people,
440
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,910
I just want them to know
that I'm doing them.
441
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:58,280
And that's sick!
442
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,200
Is there
a problem?
443
00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:05,120
Actually, Nana Louise,
there is.
444
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,120
...so I guess
the zero got dropped
445
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,250
somewhere
along the way.
446
00:18:09,290 --> 00:18:10,340
Oh!
447
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:12,420
I feel terrible.
448
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,800
Well, it didn't bother us.
It's just that if people were
449
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,010
to see that
we were patrons,
450
00:18:16,050 --> 00:18:18,260
it might inspire them
to give more.
451
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,930
It's for the kids,
really.
452
00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:26,020
Again, I'm so sorry.
453
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,980
We'll have to make it
up to you.
454
00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:31,150
Well, um, you know,
I should get back out there.
455
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:34,280
I promised little Timmy
I'd read himCharlotte's Web.
456
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,110
There is no little Timmy.
You're the Queen of Darkness.
457
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,820
Shut up.
458
00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:43,450
All right, an extra zero
would make that...
459
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:44,490
[gasps]
460
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,210
$5,000.
461
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,170
Oh, my!
462
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,590
What the...
463
00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:58,930
They named
the library after us?
464
00:19:00,930 --> 00:19:02,600
Really?
465
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,020
Yeah.
466
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,430
Look, I don't really
have all the details,
467
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:07,600
but I've got a gut feeling
468
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,560
that wasn't
supposed to happen.
469
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,270
-You know what? It probably--
-Ah!
470
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,900
Please.
Understand something?
471
00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:17,990
I only stopped by
that day as a courtesy
472
00:19:18,030 --> 00:19:20,240
because I know
Doug likes candy.
473
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,450
I didn't realize the evil
474
00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:23,620
I would be unleashing.
475
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:25,240
So, if you don't
see me and my son
476
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:26,620
come around for a while,
477
00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,620
I think you'll know why.
478
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:30,210
Good-bye.
479
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:32,210
And good day.
480
00:19:34,250 --> 00:19:36,500
Nana Louise must have
screwed up again.
481
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,470
We're gonna have to go down
there and straighten it out.
482
00:19:39,510 --> 00:19:40,880
Do we?
483
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:44,350
-What?
-What?
484
00:19:44,390 --> 00:19:47,220
I've always
wanted a library.
485
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,230
-You've always wanted a library?
-Okay,
486
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:50,560
I've always
wanted a jaguar,
487
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:51,690
but I'm never
gonna get that,
488
00:19:51,730 --> 00:19:53,610
so let me have this!
489
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:54,940
Carrie, if we don't
fix this,
490
00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:56,360
we're definitely
going to hell!
491
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,190
No, we're going
to heaven!
492
00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,950
We donated
a freakin' library!
493
00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:04,950
But we didn't!
God knows that!
494
00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:07,200
God will see
the big sign
495
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,250
with our names on it
and move on to other stuff.
496
00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:11,920
He doesn't check
into those things!
497
00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:14,420
Carrie, sweetheart,
listen to me.
498
00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:19,130
The library
doesn't belong to us.
499
00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:21,050
We gotta give it back.
500
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:23,930
Tch, tch, tcha!
501
00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:28,560
Fine!
502
00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:33,560
I'm confused.
503
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,940
No, see--see,
we--we gave 500.
504
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:38,610
You just added
an extra zero, that's all.
505
00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:40,740
Look, if it's easier for you
to keep the sign up,
506
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:42,070
we're--we're
okay with that.
507
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,530
Carrie...
508
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,490
Oh, boy.
509
00:20:46,530 --> 00:20:50,410
I seem to make so many
silly mistakes these days.
510
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,540
The school board isn't
gonna be too happy with me.
511
00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:55,710
I'm sure
they'll understand.
512
00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,130
Children,
513
00:20:58,170 --> 00:20:59,460
the school board says
514
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:02,590
that Nana Louise
is very tired
515
00:21:02,630 --> 00:21:05,640
and can't read
to you anymore.
516
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,010
No, Nana Louise!
517
00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:08,260
Don't go!
518
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,260
Oh...
519
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,390
don't cry, Leonard.
520
00:21:11,430 --> 00:21:13,440
I'm Richie.
521
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,060
Oh...
522
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,400
oh, dear.
523
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,070
We got
a sweet old lady fired,
524
00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:25,110
and we're starting
to get a little concerned
525
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,280
about this whole hell thing?
526
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,580
Um...
527
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,240
what's the deal-io
on that?
528
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:43,420
Hi. I'm selling
boxes of cookies
529
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,800
so my troop can go see
the Liberty Bell.
530
00:21:47,260 --> 00:21:49,350
All right, I'm gonna
do you a favor here.
531
00:21:49,390 --> 00:21:51,890
Go away and don't
come back.
532
00:21:51,930 --> 00:21:53,430
Tell the others.
533
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,730
Wait, wait, wait!
534
00:21:55,770 --> 00:21:58,270
Quick. One box
of the shortbread.
535
00:22:00,690 --> 00:22:03,190
Now go! Go!
536
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,370
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
37045
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