All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2002) - S04E21 - Bun Dummy_track3_[eng]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

CARRIE: So,
I'm making the copies,

and this freak show,
Mark Churnin,

comes up and says,

"Hey, can I just jump in
for one quick copy?"

and what happens?

Paper jam.

3 hours to fix.

All for a friggin'
Wizard of Id cartoon.

-It was so annoying.
-[HORN HONKS]

Watch out!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Well, that was
incredibly annoying, Doug.

What?

You know, tellin' me
how to drive, okay?

I wasn't telling you
how to drive.

I was letting you know
we were about to die.

I saw him.

Yeah, I saw him, too.
He was almost in my eyeball.

For your information,

the only reason
I swerved

is 'cause you screamed
like a little girl.

"Eek, a mouse!"

Okay, you know what?
It wasn't, "Eek, a mouse."

it was,
"Eek! An oil truck!"

Let me just drive,
butch, okay?

I promise I will get you
and your doughnuts home safely.

Fine. You know what? From now
on, I'm not saying a word.

-That works for me, hon.
-Fine.

Red light!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I saw that.

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check*

*And drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be driving home
to you*

MAN [OVER TV]:Mark Twain was
more than a mere nom de plume.

He was a full-bodied
alter ego

who allowed Clemens
to speak with a voice

that was inelegant,
at times profane,

but always
uniquely American...

-We even talked--
-Hey, Spence, do me a favor.

Stuff that oily rag
in my mouth

and light me on fire.

This is
a great documentary.

Give it a chance.

All right, but if Mrs. Twain
doesn't take her top off soon,

we're going back toCops.

Oh, hey, you know,
that's light beer.

I know.

Well, just,
you told me to warn you

in case you ever
grabbed one by mistake.

DOUG: No, no.

I know. It's okay.

I'm trying to get back down
to my football weight

for the reunion.

You know what?

Light beer does suck,
and I am who I am.

[GRUNTS]

So do you want me to pick
you up? We'll go together?

Um, I don't think I'm gonna go
to the reunion.

Why not? 'cause you
work in the subway?

Look, I bet there are
guys from our class

who live in the subway.

That's not why.

[TURNS TV OFF]

[SIGHS]
The truth is,

I had a very intense
relationship

with someone
from high school,

and it would be
quite awkward for us

to see each other again.

Who was it, Sally
your-right-hand?

No!

If you must know,
it was a teacher.

Miss Berman, the weird
home EC teacher with the limp?

No, no, no.
It wasn't Miss Berman.

It was Miss Mancini,
the Spanish teacher.

Okay, yeah.
You had a thing

with the hottest teacher
in school?

SPENCE: Yes. Yes.

It was the summer
after we graduated,

and we ran
into each other

at the Jersey Shore.

I won her
a stuffed frog

playing skee-ball,

and that night,

she made me a man.

I--I promised
to call her back.

I never did. I'm sure
she's very upset.

Okay, little tip.
If you want anybody

to believe
any part of this story,

I would have gone with limpy
from Home Ec.

Hey, hon. Hey, Spence.

I'm gonna go to the gym now.

Okay. Hey, look,
remember how I was

gonna lose 20 pounds
for my reunion?

Yeah.

Well, that's
not gonna happen,

so I'm gonna need you
to get your body

just that much tighter,

you know,
to make up for me.

-I will do my best.
-Okay.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hey, what you got going
on your head there?

Oh. Oh, I just
put my hair up in a bun

for spinning class.

Hey, knobby!

This thing
get F.M. Stations?

Okay, hon.
All right, I'm going.

-All righty. Bye-bye.
-[LAUGHS]

DOUG: Hey, honey,
instead of the movie,

you want to go to
the new sculpture garden

at the Brooklyn Museum?

Oh, I'd
love to see that.

[IMITATES FART]

Who do you think I am?

All right.
You ready?

Yeah.

Hey, you going
with the bun again?

-Yup.
-[CHUCKLES]

You know, we're
going to the movies.

We're not going
to the library.

[MIMICS LAUGH]
I like it, okay?

And Amy, the spinning
teacher at the gym,

said it
looked really cute.

Come on, give me
one of these:

Shh. People are
trying to study.

Like you know what
goes on in a library.

Come on, honey,
let's go.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, babe, what's up?

Nothing. Just getting
some chips for the boys.

Hey, you guys
want to hit Cooper's

for the Mets game
on Friday night?

Ooh. Can't.

Me, Doug, and Spence
got a reunion that night.

Actually, I don't
think I'm gonna go.

Por que?
Senorita Mancini?

Doug told you
about that?

Si, senor.

Okay. Well, hey,
it's true, okay?

We had a very intense
thing together.

Right, right.
That probably happened

while I was busy smoking
crack with Mrs. Greenbaum.

I mean,
you believe

it happened,
right, Deac?

I believe
you believe it.

SPENCE: All right.
You know what?

Fine. I'll go,
all right?

But just be ready for
a very big, ugly scene.

Oh, hey, Doug.

Thanks for turning
my personal memory

into a cheap laugh.
Hope you had fun.

You got it.

Let me ask you guys
a question.

What do you think about women
wearing their hair up in buns?

-Ooh.
-Fugly.

Am I crazy? I mean,
is that a good look?

Yeah, if
you're the old lady

who owns Tweety bird.

Thank you. Carrie started
wearing her hair in a bun

like a week ago, and I thought
it was just gonna be

like a one-time thing,
but it's--it's hanging on

like a bad cold.

-Ouch.
-That's a tough break, man.

I just don't get it. I mean,
tying your hair up?

I mean, why not tape
your breasts down

while you're at it,
am I right?

You're so right.

And the only reason
she's doing it

is because some
stupid girl at the gym

told her
she liked it that way.

Why do they ask other women?
I mean, we're here.

We know what we want.

We're ready to answer
their questions.

It's easy.
Halter top? Yes.

Driving Miss Daisyhair?
No, thank you.

Amen.

Oh, God.

What if Carrie
wears the bun to my reunion?

She--she wouldn't
do that, would she?

I don't know, man.
She sounds pretty messed up.

[SIGHS]

I might have
to say something to her.

You're gonna tell Carrie
she doesn't look good?

[LAUGHS]

I admire your acorns.

HOLLY:
Arthur, I'm here!

DOUG: Holly, Arthur went down
to Atlantic City

with his friend Mickey.

He--he didn't call you?

Oh, I must have missed it.
I was pretty hung over.

Anyway,
see ya next time.

H-hold up a second.

Okay, look,

here's the thing:

Carrie started
wearing her hair in a bun.

Okay.

Well, the problem is, I can't
tell her I don't like it

because I think I wrote
something in my wedding vows

about loving her
no matter what.

But--

but if it was to come
from someone else--

say, like,
another woman--

Me? Oh, no, no, no.
I could never do that.

Plus, Carrie wouldn't care
what I thought, anyway.

That's not true.

I mean,
she has mentioned to me

how much she admires
your sense of style.

-Really?
-Yes. Just the other day,

she was wondering where
you got this very outfit.

This?

-Dress barn.
-Dress barn. Thank you.

-I will tell her.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

Look, you'd really
be helping me out,

and you'd be helping
Carrie out, too.

It's like when you do
an intervention

with a drug addict,

except in this case,
the monkey,

it's on the back
of her head.

[EXHALES]

I don't--
I don't know.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

20 bucks right there.

HOLLY: No, I couldn't
take money for this.

Although I am
a little low on cash.

Going a little crazy
with the lotto tickets.

Here. Thanks.

Oh, hey, Hol.

Um, my dad's
in Atlantic city.

Yeah, I know.
That's okay.

Well,
see ya later.

Hey, hey. Um...

like your shoes.
Heh heh.

-Well, thank you.
-Yes, but that bun--

not working for you,
girlfriend.

What?

You know, just maybe there's,
you know, a better look,

you know, for you.

Well, Holly, my hairstyle
is really my business,

-now, isn't it?
-Yes. Yes, it is.

I got this
at dress barn.

Good to know.

And then,
out of nowhere,

Holly starts talking
about my hair

and where she bought
this horrible dress

she was wearing.
It was creepy.

Yeah, I hear
she drinks a lot.

What you--
what you doing?

Well, I'm in the mood
for a little lovin',

and you're
the only guy here, so...

I love you.

Oh, honey,
you're sweet.

I love you, too.
Come here.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, I love you
so much.

Oh, god, I love you.
I just love you.

Oh--okay, honey, get off.
What--what are you doing?

-Get off!
-Get it out!

What?!

What are you
talking about?

It's just...

your bun.

My bun?

You don't like my bun?

[WHISPERING]
I can't stand it.

Oh, my god.

So that stupid thing
with Holly, that was you?

You asked her
to do that?

Actually,
I paid her to.

You paid her?

Well, I thank God

that money's not going
to our mortgage,

'cause we got
a bun crisis on our hands!

It's just that you got
so many great hair looks,

like down, over here,
you know, bangs.

When we met,
it was all big, and...

I just don't think the bun
is the pick of the litter.

Well, what don't you like
about it, Doug? Tell me.

I mean, obviously,
out of the two of us,

you are the one with
the fashion sense. I mean--

[GASPS]

T-shirt over
stained sweats--

how is that not
in every magazine?

It's not just me, okay?

Buns are bad.
Everybody thinks so.

Oh, really, everybody
thinks so? That's funny,

because everybody at work
who sees me like this says

they think it looks
really good.

They're just
kissing up to you.

Why is that,
because I'm a secretary

and I know
where the Sweet'n Low is?

No, Doug,
buns are very chic, okay?

They happen to be
the preferred look in Spain.

Well, then, why don't
you wear a sombrero, too?

That's Mexico,
you friggin' idiot.

The thing is,
I'm not making this up.

Like in the movie,
there's always

the mousy receptionist
with the bun.

And no one
will look at her twice

until finally
she lets her hair down.

And then, everybody's,
like, "Why, Miss Fryhoffer,

you're beautiful!"

And what movie
is that, Doug?

I don't know,
but it's a movie.

Mmm.
Must have missed that.

Sorry, I don't watch
112 hours of TV a week.

Okay, you know?
You want to talk

about my TV problem,
that's valid,

but not until
this bun thing is over.

Well, I'll tell you,
I don't think

this bun thing
is gonna be over,

because the more
you talk,

the more
I'm liking this.

It's just
a stupid little problem!

Why are you giving me
so much crap about it?

Because when
I came in here

to make love
to my husband,

his idea
of foreplay

was to pull my hair
out of my head

and tell me
I repulse him.

I never said that!

It's not
about you or me,

it's about the bun.

You know what?
Maybe you would like

my bun better if it had
powdered sugar on it.

Oh. Okay.

It took some time,

but I knew
you'd go there--

"Fatty like cake."

How predictable.

I'll tell you one thing,
you're not wearing

that little hair burger
to my reunion.

Oh, okay,
so you're scared

my bun
is gonna humiliate you

in front of
your high-school friends?

Not just
my friends.

People I don't
even know, too.

Well, you know what, Doug?

I could take the bun out
for your reunion--

easily done--

or, and I am
leaning this way,

I could leave it in
and just not go.

Let's do that.

Fine.

Fine.

Good night to you.

Good night.

Yeah, look at it,
look at it!

-Morning.
-Morning.

Ahh. That feels good.

By the way, I'll be going to my
reunion directly from work.

I'm probably
gonna be late, too.

CARRIE: Great. Gives me
a little alone time.

Yeah. Hey, maybe
you can kick back

in your rocker
and knit something.

Sorry
I won't be there

to help you impress
your little buddies.

Oh, you'll be there.

What's that?

Just a little picture of you
from our trip to Barbados.

Beautiful, long hair
flowing in the breeze,

and, yeah,
a little younger.

-Give me that.
-Ohhh, no. Ow!

Give it to me.
You retard, give it--

get your own,
bun head! Ow!

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, you know what?
I make shakes in there!

Ohhh. All right.
So long.

[knock on door]

-Hi.
-Hey, guys. Ooh, coffee.

Come on, man.
Let's get out of here.

Carrie,
you mind if I--

-No. Go ahead, hon.
-Thanks.

Deacon...

can I ask you
a question?

Sure.

What do you think
of my hair like this?

You--you mean
the bun?

Yeah, come on,
the truth.

Well, you know, in general,
I think it's, um--

-Just tell me.
-It's ass ugly, girl.

SINGER:
*Karma, karma, karma,
karma, karma chameleon *

*You come and go...*

Then, after medical school,
I designed this implantable

insulin pump for diabetics.

I do pretty well
from the patent on that,

but I'm still working over
at Mount Sinai with the kids.

Oh, excellent.

-So what do you do?
-I'm married to her.

Cute. Very cute.

What happened
to the picture?

I had
to tape it together.

My wife stuck it in
a blender, but, uh,

everything's good.
We're very happy.

-Well, great.
-Itisgreat.

Hey, Spence,
why aren't you mingling?

What happened,
you run into Miss Mancini?

Was it awkward?

No, but do you know
what is awkward?

Your obsession
with my sex life.

Ooh, you got me.

Yeah, I should take a good,

-hard look at myself...
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But first, guess who
just walked in the door.

She taught you Spanish,
then you tossed her paella.

Job's going great.
I mean, it couldn't

be going better, you know?

Basically, I get paid
to wear shorts.

That sounds great.

Itisgreat.

Carrie!

Hey, sweetie.

Your hair's down.
What did you do?

Yeah, well,
I just realized, you know,

who cares who's right
about the bun?

The point is,
you didn't like it,

so it came down.

You know,
this is your night,

and I want to look good
for my Dougie.

Well, I love you.
Come on,

let's trot you
around the ring.

All right, first off,

I want to introduce you
to this little pinhead

who invented
an insulin pump.

Hey, check it out.

Now Mancini's
talking to Miss Berman,

that Home Ec teacher.

I think she's trying
to make her way over to you.

Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna go.

Oh, oh, too late.
Here she comes. Miss Mancini!

-Stop it.
-Come here.

Remember me?

Level 2 Spanish,
repeated it.

Danny Heffernan, right?

Wow. That is some memory
you have there, yeah.

Well, if you remember me,
I get the feeling

you might remember
this young gentleman.

SINGER: *You come and go,
you come and go*

I want to say
Mark Shine?

Spence Olchin.

Right. Right.

Well, it's wonderful
to see you guys.

Hasta luego.

Oh, sorry, guy.
You had a good run.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, Miss Berman.

You said you'd call me,
you bastard!

Well, I--

[SPANDAU BALLET'STRUEPLAYING]

SINGER:
*I know this much is true*

I'm just gonna move you
a couple steps to the left.

Stu Gibbs is checking out
your ass,

and I want him
to get the whole picture.

All right, honey,
can I be off the clock now?

You know what?
You're right.

I'm sorry,
you've been a champ.

Look, now that you've, uh,
come around to my side

about the bun, maybe
we could talk about retiring

that orange dress
you always wear.

My orange dress? You don't
like my orange dress?

Not unless you're wearing it
as a hunting vest.

You're a moron.
That's a Versace knockoff.

And F.Y.I., the only reason
I took the bun down

is because Deacon said
he didn't like it.

But thanks for weighing in,
Mr. Blackwell.

You asked Deacon
about this?

Yeah. I asked him
if he liked my bun.

He said,
"No, it looked bad."

so I just went,
"Bwoop."

[LAUGHS]

So let me
get this straight.

I, your husband,

who you
theoretically love,

beg you for 2 days
to go "bwoop"

and nothing.

But then
Deacon comes along

and "bwoop,"
there it is?

That was the sequence
of events, yes.

So where do I fall on this list
of people you do listen to?

Because apparently,
Deacon's first.

We know that.
But then who?

I mean,
guys in prison,

you know,
our insurance agent?

Hey, you know what?
I'm not gonna listen

to you or anyone else.

I think
the bun looks great,

so the hair
is going back up.

JIMMY:Hey, excuse me,
folks. If I could

just get everybody's
attention for a sec.

Uh, as you all know,
St. Gregory's has lost

a beloved member
of its family recently,

Mrs. Palsgraf,
our school librarian.

She's passed away
after 22 years on the job.

So, why don't we all
just take a brief moment

and remember Mrs. P.

What's up, Palsgraf?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER:
*Take my breath away*

*Take my breath away*

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]