All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2002) - S04E17 - Missing Links_track3_[eng]

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back
is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN:Well,
it was a blockbuster day

for the Pittsburgh Pirates

as they acquired the rights to
college phenom Ari Berenson...

A question
about the eyepatch:

How come so many pirates
had their eyes poked out?

What was goin' on back then?

Well, a lot of them had
those hook hands, right?

So maybe
the first day or 2

before he got used
to his new hook hand,

he'd just go to rub
his eye and just--

just poke that bad boy
right out.

But how'd they get
the hook hands?

Probably from shakin'
hands with a pirate

who already had one.

-Hey, guys.
-Hey.

-Hey, Car.
-Uh, Doug.

Can I talk to you
for a sec?

Peg legs.

Work on some answers.

What's up?

Well, we've got
a little situation here.

My boss just gave me
our tickets

for this year's employee
golf day thing at Briarwood.

Yes!

"Your foursome will be
our special guests

for an all-expense
paid day at New York's finest

private golf club and spa."

Aha! Aow!

Okay. Before you
wet yourself,

may I remind you that
we have this tradition

of taking Deacon and Kelly?

-Oh, my God. You're right.
-Yeah,

so what do we do
now that they're split up?

Do we just not go this year?

What? No, no, no.

We have to go.
This is Briarwood.

If I was gonna cheat on you
with a piece of land,

it would be Briarwood.

What, you don't think
I wanna go?

If I could cheat on you
with a massage therapist,

it would be Justin
at Briarwood.

Okay. Technically,
mine was impossible.

Yours has a name.

Shouldn't we
invite Deacon anyway

and just play as a threesome?

No, this is
a couples thing.

You remember how great
it used to be?

You and Deacon
were all intense,

bettin' on the scores,
and Kelly and I would

be playing crappy golf,
making fun of everybody.

Oh, my god.
You remember last year,

she actually shot a 300?

That included picking up
the ball and throwing it

a few times, too.

Well, she's gone, and
he's in our living room.

What should we do?

Hey, Arthur,
Holly.

-Greetings to you, Mr. Palmer.
-Hey, Deacon.

Holly, if you have a moment,

-I'll go get you that book.
-Oh, sure, sure. I'll wait.

So, uh, hey, Deacon.

When are you
gonna get a dog?

Huh? Oh,
I think if I got a dog,

my wife would probably
wind up taking half.

-The good half.
-Heh.

Yeah, yeah. I heard about
that divorce thing.

I'm kind of
in the same situation.

-You're divorced?
-Me? No, no, no.

It's just, you know,
I'm not with anybody,

you know, which is
the same situation you're in,

you know, minus the rage.

Here you go.
This is the real story

of why Martin
and Lewis broke up.

-This guy got it right.
-Oh.

-Well, thanks a lot, Arthur.
-See you tomorrow, Doll.

Okay.
Bye, Deacon.

All right.
Take it easy.

-So, what's it gonna be, bub?
-I don't know.

Well, take the ticket
out of your mouth.

You're chewin' off
the lamination.

Even their lamination
tastes good.

How do you do it,
Briarwood?

Oh.

Uh...

look, I don't want you guys
to feel awkward about this,

so just, um, just invite
another couple. It's fine.

Really? I mean,
we'd be happy to do it

-with just you, sweetie.
-Yeah, you know what?

-Let's do that.
-No, don't even worry about it.

Look, I'm chillin',

I'm just
gonna grab a beer,

and, uh, you know,
it's cool.

It's cool.

Oh.

CARRIE: Okay. What about
the Wallaces?

Hate 'em.

You hate
the Wallaces? Why?

Well, let's start
with this:

they're both
loaded with freckles.

They're perfectly fine
to play golf with.

Okay. Fine.
Invite 'em, then.

Actually, you know what?
I kind of hate them, too.

-Um, oh, the Glickmans.
-Who are they again?

From our old apartment building.

She's 40.
He's, like, 26.

Pass.

Well, we're kinda running out
of options here, bub.

Come on. We can do this.
We can find another couple.

Our phone book just can't be
a list of people we hate.

Got it. The Kelsos.

-Who?
-From Kelso's chicken wrap.

They're very nice people.
They always give me,

like, a million
extra napkins.

Hon, not sure
providing us with take-out

makes them
great golf buddies.

Well, I guess that
rules out the Fung Lees.

Man, Deacon and Kelly
were our couple.

-They were it.
-We just fit.

Yeah.

You know,
it's true what they say.

"Divorce is hardest
on the best friends."

"Hardest
on the kids."

Please.

They get presents.

So, um...

who are you guys inviting
to this golf thing?

I don't know. Probably
Eddie Dugan and his wife.

Ah.

Did you get a tee time yet
or, uh--

Why are you doing this
to yourself?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Look, we can still play
as a threesome. It'll be fine.

No. No threesome.
I'm sorry I even brought it up.

Excuse me,

can I borrow
your salt?

Hey, take the pepper, too.
It can't survive on its own.

[LAUGHS]

Have 'em back
by closing time.

Ha ha ha ha.
That's funny.

You guys are
funny. Ha ha ha.

Hey, hon.

What are you
so happy about?

*We met someone*

DOUG: Carrie!

CARRIE: I'm almost ready.
Stop rushing me.

Where are my waffle golf balls?

CARRIE: I don't know.

-What was that?
-Arthur!

Carrie, come on.
Deac just pulled up.

I'm ready,
I'm ready, I'm ready.

All right. We gotta hustle.

We gotta pick up Leslie
on the way.

Oh, and by the way,
you're gonna love her.

She's awesome.

Well, I'm a little
nervous to meet her.

I feel like I'm going
on a first date, too.

You know, I actually made sure
my bra and panty's matched.

Is that a little weird?

I don't think it's weird.
I slept on cologne.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I gotta tell you.
I think Leslie's the one...

for all of us.

What's up,
golf enthusiast?

-I can't go.
-What?

My baby-sitter
just called me on my cell.

She's got a family emergency.
I gotta go back home.

-Oh, no. No, no. No.
-Come on.

Don't you have
other baby-sitters you guys use?

Yeah. Kelly's cousin
and sister.

I'm sure they'd love to cover
for me while I go on a date.

Arthur, it's Holly!
Ready to walk?

ARTHUR: Be right up,
sunshine!

-Go!
-Yeah, right.

-Holly.
-Oh, hey, Deacon.

Looks like someone's
getting ready to go--

Yeah, I am. Listen,
I have a huge favor to ask.

Uh, you met my kids, right?
I was here with 'em last week.

Oh, sure.
They're adorable.

I love the way
the little one--

Yeah, it's so cute
when he does that.

Anyway, I'm supposed
to go golfing right now

with Doug and Carrie
and this great girl I just met,

but my baby-sitter
just canceled on me.

So you want me
to watch your kids

-while you go on a date?
-Can you?

Well, no. No, no. I mean,

I'm not a baby-sitter.
You know,

that's not what I do,
you know, at all.

I'm--I'm a dog-walker.

-I walk dogs.
-Yeah, but you--

you walk Arthur, right?
I mean, he's like a baby

if babies were old and strange.

Yes. Yes, I--I do walk Arthur,
and actually,

I have to walk him right now.
He gets very cranky if he

doesn't get his walk
and a knish.

Well, look. The baby-sitter
can stick around

-for another hour.
-HOLLY: No. I can't do it, okay?

Okay. All right, um,

-all right. Sorry.
-All right. Okay. I'll do it.

-You just said--
-I thought it over.

Where do you live?

Lefrak City, building 6,
apartment 16-c.

I'll call the baby-sitter
and tell her you're on your way.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Man, have you ever seen so many
rich people in one place?

I feel like we're the only ones
not named "Van Snootington."

[LAUGHS]

Van Snootington.
Ha ha ha ha ha.

Everyone looks at me
like they think

they should be
tipping me for something,

-you know what I'm saying?
-[LAUGHING] I do!

Okay. Looks like
we got a laugher here.

-Ah ha ha ha.
-Will this chariot

do for me ladies?

Oh, it's fine, sire.
Heh heh heh heh.

It's fine, honey.
Let's go.

DOUG: All right.
Let's go spank the dimples

-off some little white balls.
-[LAUGHS]

Doug and I will grab
some scorecards.

If we're not back
in 5 minutes,

it means
they threw us out.

[LAUGHING]

So, nice place, uh?

Yeah. It's beautiful.

So, you got the ticket
from your law firm?

Well, it's not actually
my law firm.

I'm just a secretary/
legal fetcher. [SCOFFS]

What do you do?

I'm a receptionist
at a car dealership.

Oh, really? Well, later,
we'll compare notes

on all the creepy people
we have to suck up to, right?

Well, actually, everyone's
very nice where I work.

That's good.
Good for you.

-DOUG: Let's do it.
-All right.

Load 'em up,
move out.

All right. You
any good at golf?

-Me? No.
-Oh, great. Me, neither.

Okay. This is officially
the crappy golfers cart.

Whoa.
That's a rocket.

DEACON: Ringer.

I think we got
a ringer here.

[HIGH VOICE]
Girl outdrove me.

[LAUGHING]
Stop it.

Hey. I thought you said
you weren't that good.

Oh, I'm not. No, I could
never play on the tour

like my sister. Heh.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. My turn.

-2? Another stinking 2?
-Heh heh.

1, 2.

How much longer
do we have to stay here?

Arthur, I told you,
I have to be here all day,

and if you hadn't
taken a half an hour

to sit and eat
your ice-cream cone

in the park,
I would've had time

-to take you home.
-Ice-cream cones are not meant

to be eaten on the move!

Actually,
they are.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

3. 1, 2, 3.

Look at you putting all your
ducks in the truck, Major.

Good work, buddy.

So, the fact that I'm bored
to tears means nothing to you?

Arthur, we invited you
to play trouble with us.

Your explanation of the rules
was incomprehensible.

My turn.

5. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Gotcha.
You gotta go back.

Aw, I don't
wanna go back.

You gotta go back,
you big cheater.

-You're the cheater.
-You're the cheater.

-You are.
-I hate it here!

Oh. Good caught. All right.
Just keep your head down Car.

I know.

You know, shouldn't you guys
be hitting your own balls?

We're on the green babe.

Whoa. That's a big debit.
What, you put it on a hot tub?

[LAUGHTER]
Stop it.

Okay. You know what,
why don't you guys

go to the green
and I'll catch up.

You sure?
'Cause we're fine watching you.

Just give us a little wiggle.

-I'm sure.
-DOUG: All right.

-All right. You're on?
-I'm on.

-Jeez, the cops!
-Hang on.

I'm gonna try
[INDISTINCT] trip.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

DEACON: So,
the whole game,

Doug's just raggin'
on their, like, what,

8-foot Lithuanian Center,

kept calling him "lurch."

DOUG: So, finally, the guy
just whips around and

-glares at me, like--
-LESLIE: [LAUGHS]

He did not.

DEACON: This boy
jumps under his seat.

He's kissin' peanut shells
for the rest of

-the fourth quarter.
-Hey, you'd be surprised

at how many good ones
are there.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Don't you think
this is funny?

No. No, I do. I just heard

this story a couple of times.

DOUG: Hey, Deac. You know
what I just remembered.

Jimmy at work, he wants
to sell off part of his

-season ticket package.
-He's got 4 seats, right?

You know, we should all go
to a bunch of Knick games

together.
That'd be awesome, huh?

-Would you want to do that?
-What, are you kidding?

-Where do I sign up?
-All right, great.

I gotta make a quick pit stop
before we hit the back 9,

and then I got some serious
ass-whoopin' to do, my man.

Hey, the only thing that's
gettin' whooped around here

is your wallet.
So pee well, my friend.

I Actually,
I'm gonna follow you

'cause I need to go
to the ladies' room, too.

Oh, man.
This is great, huh?

Yeah. It's fine, Doug.
I just wish you would've

talked to me first
before you hog-tied

the four of us
together for life.

-What are you talkin' about?
-Well,

in case
you haven't noticed,

I'm not really clicking
with Leslie here.

How can you not be clicking
with her? She's phenomenal.

She's click-a-licious.

It's a magical foursome
we got going here.

No. No, I admit you have
a magical threesome going.

You and Deacon are doing
a nightclub act,

and she's the happy drunk
in the audience.

But I'm kinda
out of it, hon.

Oh, now I get it.

You just don't like her
because she's not as bitchy

and sarcastic as Kelly.

I miss that
a little, yes.

And you know why
you miss it?

'Cause you don't welcome
joy into your life.

Where's your joy?

Where's your laughter?

-I laugh.
-No. Laughter's happy,

-and that terrifies you.
-Okay.

You know what? You're about
to get a melon fork in the eye.

Look, the foursome
is back, okay?

You can be part of it
or not. The choice is yours.

Well, Einstein,
if I'm not part of it,

then you
don't have a foursome.

Ha ha ha.
You've never been wronger.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. Here's
a pretty easy one.

-"Cat"? That's easy.
-I said it was easy.

I'm just gettin' you
warmed up, buddy.

Okay. Here's
a pretty tough one.

"T-tr-tr--"

-"Train."
-Arthur.

He was taking an eternity.

Can you please go to the bedroom
and watch TV?

No. There's a poster
of Dizzy Gillespie in there,

and his eyes follow me
around the room.

All right. Ooh.
Here's a fun one, Kirb.

-"Zebra."
-Arthur!

You said it was fun.
Why can't I join in the fun?

Will you please
stop it?!

I want fish sticks.

-Yeah, me, too.
-All right, all right.

Arthur, could you keep
an eye on the kids?

-Me? Why?
-'cause I gotta go make

-fish sticks.
-But I haven't looked

after a small child in years,

and according to her,
I botched it pretty badly.

You'll be fine.

So, uh,

where do you fellas
hail from?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ow.

Crap.

TINA: Carrie?

Tina.

Hey.

-How you doin'?
-Oh, girl.

I hate
this stupid game.

-Uhh.
-I think the partners

just give us these passes
to torture us,

-you know what I'm saying?
-Yeah, I know

what you're saying.
I'd be fine playing 3 holes

and laying out on the sand trap,
gettin' some rays.

Yeah right.

-Is Carlos here?
-No, I dumped that loser

2 weeks ago.

Just invited
some girlfriends.

Hey, Carrie.

I think your ball's in the rough
about 30 yards down.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, Deacon, this
is my friend Tina.

She works with me
at the firm,

and, Tina, this is
our friend Deacon.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.

This is wild,
you know?

My 2 friends
who love jazz

together
in the same place?

What are the odds?

You're into jazz?

-Um, it's okay.
-What are you talkin' about?

You have that radio
on your desk.

You're always
boppin' around.

Oh, that's
a salsa station.

Well, it's
pretty darn jazzy.

I think the point is that
you both listen to music,

and that's--
that's fun.

Hey! What's goin' on?
How we doin' here?

We're doin' fine.
Tina lost her ball. Go away.

Oh, well, Tina.
I got a brand-new

titleist right there.
You're back on the fairway.

-Nice seein' you.
-Oh, well, okay. Thanks.

Bye, Car.
Nice meeting you, Deacon.

Uh, you, too.

I'm gonna go catch up
with Leslie.

Yeah. Good.

Take it easy now.

You were tryin' to fix him up
with your friend Tina,

weren't you?
What'd you do?

Arrange this little
chance meeting?

Yes, Doug. I had Tina
airlifted into the woods

-just to mess up your day.
-I can't believe you.

Doug, I just ran into her,
okay?

But I will tell you something.

When Deacon
looked at Tina,

there was a connection.

No, no, no. I think
when you looked at Tina,

there was a connection.

-Okay? Deacon likes Leslie.
-Oh, please.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha.

"I have no personality,

so I laugh at everything.
Ha, ha, ha, ha."

do you actually think
he can have a relationship

-with someone like that?
-Do you think he'd have

a great relationship
with Tina,

the office slut?

I was mad at her
when I said that.

This thing we got
going here works, okay?

Deal with it.

Wait. Where you goin'?

I am
dealing with it.

Obviously you have
a great thing going here,

and I don't want
to be in the way

when you three
start to make out.

Car-Carrie, get back here!

Carrie.

Carrie.

Stop it!

Carrie!

Carrie, stop!

-Get off!
-Stop it! Stop it!

Would you stop?

All right.

Almost made it
through the whole day

without sliding back
down crap mountain.

[LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

ARTHUR: Then, from the comfort
of their cushy headquarters,

the generals commanded our weary
platoon to take the town.

This fellow is me.

You can tell
by the firm-set jaw

and the look
of steely determination.

Who's this?

That's O'Shannon.

He didn't make it.

-Hey, I'm home.
-Hey, Dad.

Hey, Kirb. Hi, Arthur.

Fish sticks
are on the table.

Hey, Deacon.

Hey.

Come on.
While we eat,

I'll tell you
what really goes on

inside an army
psychiatric hospital.

You're home early.

How was your date?

Well, I'm home early.

Listen, thanks
for covering for me.

-How'd it go here?
-Good, good. It was good.

Everyone's accounted for.

Although it is easier for me
when they're all on leashes.

Heh heh. I wasn't suggesting
that you put

-your kids on a leash.
-I mean, well, actually,

that's probably
not a bad idea.

-Ah heh heh.
-Uh, please don't laugh.

HOLLY: Oh. Okey-doke.

Well, I guess
I should be going.

Arthur, you ready?

Actually, I've been
invited to sleep over.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll see you around,
Deacon.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait.
Let me pay you for today.

-Money? No, no, no. No.
-What? Come on.

-I gotta give you something.
-HOLLY: No, no, really,

I mean, I just got
a bunch of new clients,

a whole family
of beagles.

I'm doing
quite well, really.

Really. It's fine.

Okay.

Thanks.

I owe you one.

I may just
take you up on that.

Bye.

Oof.

Come on, you two.
It's late.

Lights out.

Clarification, sir.

When you say,
"lights out,"

does that
include flashlights?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]