All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2002) - S04E14 - Double Downer_track3_[eng]

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[BASEBALL GAME PLAYING ON TV]

Hey, I'm going to the gym.
You sure you don't want to come?

Hmm. No, but you're
adorable to keep asking.

Oh, shoot.
I need a towel.

Aw, come on.

Oh, don't do this
to me now. Work.

Work.

[SIGHS]

Are you seriously
stealing my batteries?

Yeah.

So when I got to the gym,

I'd just find out that
my batteries were dead?

Yeah, and I left
your Walkman on play

so you'd think
you did it yourself.

That's just evil.

And you're
married to it.

Don't steal my stuff, okay?

By the way,
if you could, uh, manage

to roll yourself
off the couch,

there's a whole drawer
of batteries

upstairs in my office.

Hope you can
smell smoke, sister.

*My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back
is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

Bye, hon.
No time for breakfast.

Not that you're making
any.

Wait, wait. Don't go yet.

I got something for you.
Wait, wait, wait.

[SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on.

Kitchen sex?

No. It's not sex.

You know what?
I really am late.

No! Come on, Doug. I am trying
to do something here.

-What?
-Come on.

Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.

I don't know
what I'm doing.

Come on, honey. Gimme
a little spin. Gimme something.

-What am I doing?
-Shake it! Shake it!

I don't even know
what I'm doing.

I don't know
what I'm supposed--

There you go, baby.

I'm starting
to sweat

and you're not telling me
what's going on.

We are doing this
to remind you

of our first date,
where we went?

To second base?

Salsa dancing.

This weekend is the anniversary
of our first date,

And by the way, you didn't get
to second base, okay.

You got under sweater,
but over bra.

Yeah, well, if you
would have told me

the clasp was in the front,
I woulda got there.

Come on. I made
reservations in the city

at this place
called El Caliente.

They serve you
a romantic dinner,

They give you salsa lessons,

the band plays all night.
It'll be fun.

Salsa dancing?

That's got "split my pants"
written all over it.

Doug, that was
a very important night

for our relationship,

and I want to do something
special to remember it.

But we never
celebrated it before.

I know, but I was
reading this magazine,

and don't roll your eyes,

but the article said

it's important in a relationship
to have tent poles.

Tent poles?
Like in the circus?

No, no.

They're like
the big moments

that the rest of your
relationship is draped on.

If you don't have
the tent poles...

[SINGS CIRCUS THEME]

-then you have nothing to go
by-- stop that!
-What?

Will you go salsa dancing
with me this weekend?

Okay, all right.
God bless.

We'll go dancing,
huh?

I want you
to have tent poles.

-Thank you.
-All right?

Last chance
for kitchen sex.

Actually, now I'm late.

Hey, Heffernan.

Hey, boss.
H-h-how was your weekend?

My bird died.

I had him
for 31 years.

Oh, 31 years.
That's a good ride.

For a bird.

Had a 300-word
vocabulary.

The only words he couldn't say
were "I ate glass."

Yikes.

So you, uh, you gonna get
another one?

Oh, sure.
Just get another one.

They're all the same.
Feathers and a beak.

That's all
you people see!

I'm sorry. I put him
in the ground this morning.

Just get to work.

Hey, hey.

I've been
looking for you, man.

-What's up, player?
-Listen, this weekend,

I'm throwing a trip together
to Atlantic City.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I can't go.
I can't do it.

What are you talking about?
I got a ton of guys going.

Nick's going.

Hey, Rico, you're coming
on my trip, right?

-Sure, you got it, Jack.
-It's A.C., man.

It's drinking,
it's gambling,

-it's cheap-ass buffeting.
-You don't have to tell me

what Atlantic City is,
all right?

I dream about it,
for God's sakes.

I can't do it.

Carrie's got this whole
salsa dancing thing planned.

So you can bring her
on the trip.

Kelly's coming.
Carrie can yap-yap with her,

get her off my case
for 5 minutes.

It's not gonna work.

She's all psyched
about this weekend

because it's the anniversary
of our first date.

That's a choke hold
right there.

Aw, man. There's
no trip without you.

You're the straw
that stirs the drink, man.

Just let it go, okay?
I can't be the straw.

All right. Let me come at this
another way, all right?

Atlantic City.

-I'm in.
-That's my boy.

I just gotta think of a way
to tell Carrie.

Why don't you just do
what I did and tell her,

"Oh, you're going, woman."

Right. I might have
to cute that one up a little.

-All right. I'm out of here.
-All right.

Whew.

So...

Atlantic City, huh?

Heh heh.

There she is.

-Hey, hon.
-Hey.

What you got
going on there?

Your emergency candy bar
melted in my purse again.

I love ya,
but I just can't do it anymore.

Come on,
just 3 more months.

By the way, I bought
some new shoes

for El Caliente
on Saturday.

Very spiky,
muyslutty.

Cool.
You know I was, uh,

I was caught in traffic
and I--

I know I was
mocking you before,

but I was thinking about this
whole tent pole thing.

-You were?
-Yeah.

I think about us
sometimes.

Does that shock you?

Somewhat.

Anyway, uh,

we're building the poles
of our relationship,

and I was just wondering
is one night at El Caliente,

which, by the way means
The Caliente...

really enough?

-What do you mean?
-I just think we should do

something really special here,
you know?

Maybe like
a weekend sort of thing.

Something that we can
drive to that's not too far,

like Atlantic City
or something?

Are you saying you want to go
on the trip with Deacon?

I'm sorry. Who-con?

I'm best friends
with his wife, you moron.

We had lunch
today.

Didn't think
that one through.

Okay, look, I'm sorry,
but I...

I honestly think
Atlantic City

could be a great
tent pole for us, too.

How? You play
blackjack all day

and then I watch you actually
eat all you can eat?

We'll do all the things
that you want to do.

We'll have
a romantic dinner,

we'll go dancing,
we'll walk on the boardwalk,

and you can get a nice massage
at the spa and...

I can do
a little gambling.

I mean, it'll be
a great weekend

'cause we'll
both be happy.

And isn't that what tent pole
really means?

No, not really,
but you sold me.

Okay. We can go.

-Thank you.
-Welcome.

All right.

Hello?

The straw
is in the drink.

What? Who is this?

It's Doug,
you idiot. I'm in.

-I got her on board.
-Cool.

-Is that Deacon?
-Uh, yeah.

Oh, ask him if Kelly's
bringing her workout clothes.

Oh. Carrie wants to know
if Kelly's bringing
her workout stuff.

Hold on.

Kel, you bringing
your workout stuff?

KELLY: I don't know
what I'm doing

about anything anymore!

Undecided.

She's not sure.

Okay.

All right. Well, I guess
the next time I'll see you,

I'll be
in your vodka tonic.

What?

I'm the straw.

I gotta go.

A-all righty.

[SLOT MACHINE DINGS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Gotta tell ya,

I am liking this
whole Egyptian thing.

How much did you tip
the mummy back there?

I gave him a dollar.

-Doug.
-Well, he did nothing.

He opened the car door
and then he checked out my buns.

-He should be tipping me.
-Oh.

Have you seen
anybody else yet?

No.

Uh, hi. I can
help you over here.

-Oh. Hi.
-Hi.

Checking in.
Heffernan.

Heffernan...

Doug and Carrie.
I have you right here,

and we've got
a very nice room

on the 14th
floor for you.

Oh. Great.
Um, by the way,

what's your most romantic
restaurant here?

Uh, that would be
Queen Nefertiti's.

Nefertiti's?

Should be, like, the name
of a strip club, huh?

Go check out
her titis.

Here are your
hotel keys and, uh...

Oh, we have
a message.

"Tried to call
you at home.

Something came up.
trip's off,

but you two have
a kick-ass time.

Deacon."

Huh? Deacon
canceled?

What's
that about?

I don't know.
He said something came up.

Actually, this
could be kind of nice,

just the two of us.

Hey, Heffernan.

You made it.
Thank God.

I thought it was
gonna be just me.

By the way, honey,

you look
beautiful tonight.

You really do.
You look great.

Thank you, Doug.

Yeah, she does.
She really does.

Thank you,
Mr. O'Boyle.

Hi. I'm Pam.
I'll be your waitress.

Could I get you folks started
with something from the bar?

Definitely. I'll have a glass
of Chardonnay, please.

Yeah. I'll take
a Heineken.

Nothing for me.

I'm a recovering
alcoholic.

Okay.

Recovering
alcoholic.

I guess we'll just
have to have our fun

at the blackjack tables.

I don't gamble, Doug.

You don't gamble.

Nope. Not unless
I want to lose

another house and family.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, you know what?

You kids, you don't need
the boss here to bring you down.

Maybe I should just
shoot a cup of coffee

and drive back to the city.

You want me to go?

No. No. No, no, no.

We want you to stay
right here with us?

What,
are you kidding me?

Well, okay, then.
What the hell?

I'll stay.

-Super.
-O'BOYLE: Hey,

I saw a rack full
of brochures in the lobby

with lots of fun things
to do without dice or booze

here in Atlantic City.

I'll go check 'em out.
Don't go anywhere.

-Oh, we won't.
-[O'BOYLE CHUCKLES]

-He wanted to leave.
-No, he did not.

He was just saying that.

Okay, little tip, Doug.

When a weird
and boring guy

offers to leave,
you say, "Drive safely."

He's my boss.

He can make things
very bad for me.

Oh, and I can't?

I can make it bad for you
in ways he's never dreamed of.

Why do you
gotta go there?

And another thing, Doug.
Do you know what?

If we would have done
what I wanted to do tonight,

you would be eating
a Brazilian steak right now,

getting ready to rub up
against me on the dance floor.

Instead, we're
eating with a man

who keeps a feather
from his dead bird

in his wallet.

He's grieving, okay?

And this isn't my fault.
It's Deacon.

He's the one who wanted me
to come down here.

What the heck is
going on with him?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

DEACON [OVER PHONE]:Hi.
You've reached Deacon,

Kelly, Kirby, and Major.

We're not home, so leave
a message at the beep.

[BEEP]

Hey, Deac, it's Doug.

Little question
for ya, buddy:

Where the hell are you?

You know where I am?
I'm in A.C.

DOUG:Remember you said I'm
the straw that stirs the drink?

Well, guess what's getting
sucked through me right now.

O'Boyle!

The point is,
this was your trip.

Now, come on. Get in the car
and get down here.

I'm dying.

[BEEP]

Did I tell you we could have
a good time

without gambling
or what?

Yeah.
How about that

Ripley's Believe It
or Not museum, huh?

You know what
I couldn't believe?

The condition
of the women's restroom.

Hey, let me buy the two of you
a thank-you drink.

Oh, you know,
we're okay.

No, no. You two paid
for the Rickshaw ride?

I want to do this.
Come on.

I promise this
is the last thing.

Doug, I am ready
to run out into the sea.

Look, we're
at the finish line.

You've been a champ.
Just one drink.

[SCOFFS]

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

So, here we are...

7 hours later.

Wow. Look at that.

I used to love
to dance.

Did you, now?

Carrie,
I'm a little bit rusty,

but would you
do me the pleasure?

You know what? Uh...

that sounds great.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doug.

Do you mind if I dance
with your freak-o boss

on the anniversary
of our first date?

If you wanna.

Hey, yo, Doug!
There you are!

Hey, buddy, you made it!
Hey, Deac's here!

Hey, Deac.
Where's Kelly?

-Huh?
-Your wife. Kelly.

Oh, she left me.

She took her clothes
and the kids

and just, uh,
skedaddled.

All right.
Point me to the $100 tables,

and let's get this
party wagon rolling.

Whoo!

My God...

I can't believe
Kelly left him.

I'm still getting over
a black guy

using the word
"skedaddled."

Doug.

Look, you're
her best friend.

You just had lunch with her.
Didn't she say anything?

No, nothing.
Go talk to him.

All right.

All right.
Change me, baby.

Hey, Deac.

I'm gonna make this table
beg for mercy.

Come on, yo eleven.

Listen, guy,
I know you're--whoa.

Guy, those chips you're
betting are $25 each.

Oh. So,
let's double 'em.

Got a new
shooter.

All right.
Doug, you want to jump on board?

-I'm feelin' lucky tonight.
-No. Look, bro.

Listen, we can go talk
and get a beer--

No, no. Not until I win
a big bag of money.

Now come on!
Papa needs a whole new family!

Nine. Nine
is the point.

Easy point.
Nine will be fine.

I understand
what's going on,

but listen,
you gotta talk to me.

-Whoo!
-CROUPIER: 9. Winner.

Well, maybe I'll just
piggy-back on you here.

You know, Palmer,

I know what you're
going through.

If you want
to talk to somebody,

-you can come to me.
-Uh, sir, are you playing?

Just 100.

All right, we got
the boss on board.

Let's win one
for the big man.

-Come on!
-Yo eleven.

Yes! That's what
I'm talking about.

All right. Keep it moving.
Keep it moving.

Keep it moving.

Six. The point
is six.

All right. Six.
Pickin' up sticks.

Five. Five--we're
still alive.

-What is going on?
-We need a six.

-Doug!
-Seven out.

Nice job, jinxy.

CROUPIER:
New shooter.

I'm gonna
hit the slots.

-Seven.
-Yeah! Huh!

Who do you have to boff
to get a whiskey sour

around here, huh?

-Deac, hold up.
-Yeah, stop,

and tell us
what's going on.

I already told you.
Kelly left me.

She took the kids and went to
her mother's in New Brunswick.

Well, did you, like, have any
idea that this was gonna happen?

No. I mean, I knew
we were having problems,

but I didn't think
it was this bad.

Yeah, I thought you guys
were working things out.

I don't know.

We got into this
huge fight yesterday,

and she started talking
about how she married too young,

how our whole relationship
just wasn't right,

how we didn't
have any tent poles.

And tent pole--
what the hell
does that even mean?

[SIGHS]

What?

You told Kelly
to get tent poles?

I mentioned
the article to her.

I didn't know she was thinking
about leaving Deacon.

Maybe she wasn't
till you got a hold of her.

Oh, that's ridic--
you heard him.

They said they were
having problems anyway.

Yeah. The only problem is you
having lunch with her, going...

[HIGH-SPEED BABBLING]

-Tent pole.
-Would you stop?

I could tell Deacon
right now,

and he wouldn't
blame me at all.

-Oh, really?
-No.

Well,
then why don't ya?

Okay, fine. I'm going.

Okay.

-Oh! Spank me with a shovel!
-[CROWD GROANS]

Hey, Deac.

Hey.

[SLOT MACHINE BEEPING]

Hey, you know
what drives me crazy?

Those old women who play,
like, 5 machines at once.

I say, "Back it off, Granny.

Give us kids a chance."

[CLEARS THROAT]

Anyway, you said that
Kelly mentioned something

about tents or tent poles.

Funny thing.

Um, I had lunch
with Kelly last week.

We were just gabbing away
about shoes and recipes.

You know, girl stuff.

Anyhoo, she seemed like
she could use some perkin' up,

so I may have said--
just in passing--

that it was important
to have, um, tent poles.

But then, we got back
to the shoe thing, you know?

Oh, it turns out
we both hate clogs.

She got that crap
from you?

She may have.

Well, what did you
tell her that for?!

Hey, come on.
It's not her fault.

I know.

It's just...

It's gonna be okay,
buddy. We love you.

Yeah, sweetie...

We're gonna
get you through this.

We're here for you.

[SLOT MACHINE SIRENS WHOOP]

Oh, we have
a $1,500 winner!

Congratulations!

Okay. 100...

200, 300...

We're still here for you.
Just a second.

400.
500...

-600...
-Hey, smile for the camera!

700, 800, 900, 1,000,

-1,100, 1,200...
-Yeah!

1,300...

I gotta be honest.

I think we found
a lot of tent poles.

I mean, hey,
Nefertiti's--

an unbelievable
Caesar salad.

I didn't
expect that. Did you?

I didn't.
It was incredible.

I didn't even know what
they made their croutons out of,

but they
were incredible.

Unbelievable.

And not only that,
I think next year,

you know
what we should do?

We should try Vegas.

We'll find
so many tent poles.

Wow. I don't think
my boss' ass

has ever been quite
this close to my face.

You know what that means,
my friend...

Another tent pole.

Hey, do I have to tip
the mummy again on the way out?

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