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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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SINGER:* Santa Clausis comin' to town *
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00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:17,260
* Santa Clausis comin' to town *
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00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:20,680
* Santa Claus is comin' *
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00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,640
* To town *
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00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,310
Carrie!
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00:00:25,350 --> 00:00:26,350
CARRIE: Yeah?
8
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:27,730
Don't come down yet.
9
00:00:27,770 --> 00:00:29,400
I'm wrapping your
Christmas present.
10
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:30,820
CARRIE: Okay.
11
00:00:51,420 --> 00:00:53,090
All right,
you can come down now.
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00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,220
CARRIE: One sec.
13
00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:57,590
What are you doing, anyway?
14
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,140
CARRIE: Peeing on a stick.
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Yeah. I'm hoping
it's a pregnancy test.
16
00:01:02,470 --> 00:01:04,270
Here it is.
17
00:01:04,310 --> 00:01:06,730
So? We getting
a baby or what?
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00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:08,190
I don't know.
We'll know in three minutes.
19
00:01:08,230 --> 00:01:09,900
Oh, come on, be positive,
be positive.
20
00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:11,360
Daddy wants
to be a daddy!
21
00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:13,860
All right,
stop waving it.
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It's not a Polaroid.
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Just set it down there.
24
00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:18,570
-Set it down!
-All right.
25
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,530
God, I just wanna be
pregnant already.
26
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:21,790
We've been trying
for so long,
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and I'm sick of it.
28
00:01:22,870 --> 00:01:24,200
Thank ya.
29
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,420
I'll telling you,
if I'm not pregnant,
30
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:30,460
I'm gonna call
that fertility place
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and make an appointment.
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00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,130
Will you stop it?
We don't need to go there.
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00:01:34,170 --> 00:01:37,880
Why not? We've been trying
for five months and zippo.
34
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Why are you so opposed
to getting checked out?
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00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:41,850
[SIGHS] Because we'll be sitting
in the waiting room and...
36
00:01:41,890 --> 00:01:43,810
people will look over
at us, and...
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00:01:43,850 --> 00:01:45,600
let's face it,
they're gonna assume it's me.
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Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
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I will announce to the room
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00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:53,690
that you are a champion
sperm donor from Yugoslavia.
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00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:57,530
Look. We don't need a clinic.
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00:01:57,570 --> 00:01:58,700
I'm telling you, that test
is gonna come up positive.
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00:01:58,740 --> 00:02:00,280
I can feel it.
44
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,280
Yeah?
How do you know?
45
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:03,870
Because the other night,
when we were trying...
46
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,330
I was right on
the money.
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00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:07,210
I made good contact,
48
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,620
I followed through.
49
00:02:09,670 --> 00:02:10,920
-You gotta get the legs into it,
that's the key. The legs.
-Oh.
50
00:02:11,580 --> 00:02:13,340
Ah!
51
00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:15,630
Well, I hope you're right.
52
00:02:15,670 --> 00:02:17,470
It would be nice to be...
53
00:02:17,510 --> 00:02:18,630
pregnant for Christmas,
wouldn't it?
54
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,930
Yeah, and when my parents
come up,
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00:02:19,970 --> 00:02:22,180
we can give them
the good news in person.
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00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:23,930
Actually, that's gift enough,
we could return
the matching sweat suits.
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00:02:23,970 --> 00:02:25,560
Oh, that reminds me,
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00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:26,930
I gotta get the office
cleaned up
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00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,690
and the futon ready for them.
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00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:29,730
You did tell them
they were staying
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00:02:29,770 --> 00:02:30,810
in the office this time, right?
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00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:32,560
Uh...
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00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,480
You are such a wimp!
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00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,480
[SIGHS] Carrie, it's hard.
I mean...
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00:02:36,530 --> 00:02:39,320
the first time
they came to visit
we gave them our room.
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00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,740
Sliding them
across the hall now
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00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:42,490
would be a delicate
bit of business.
68
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,660
Why? When we go to visit
them in Florida,
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00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:46,580
they don't give us
their bedroom.
70
00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:49,620
Do they know we sleep
on a fold down couch
that smells like a cat?
71
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,880
And need I remind you
they don't have a cat?
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00:02:54,670 --> 00:02:56,380
Yeah, but you're right,
I'm sorry,
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00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:58,420
I just can't look my parents
in the eyes
74
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,380
and say, you know,
"Mom, Dad, you're sleeping
next to the fax machine.
75
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,840
Merry Christmas."
76
00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,970
You don't have to say anything.
77
00:03:04,010 --> 00:03:05,640
When you bring their
suitcases upstairs,
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00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,810
just put them in the office.
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00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:10,270
You're smart.
80
00:03:10,310 --> 00:03:11,270
I'm not that smart.
81
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:12,480
Just smarter than you, honey.
82
00:03:15,690 --> 00:03:18,230
Say... whose negative
pregnancy test is this?
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00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,780
* Silent night *
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00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,370
* Holy... *
85
00:03:28,580 --> 00:03:30,750
-Night.
-Thank you, darling.
86
00:03:30,790 --> 00:03:33,460
* Holy night All is well *
87
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,830
You hungry, Dad?
You want a snack
88
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,250
-before Holly comes?
-Sure do.
89
00:03:38,710 --> 00:03:40,260
Why, what is this?
90
00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:44,390
A festive platter
of assorted cheeses!
91
00:03:44,430 --> 00:03:45,760
Hello, Cincinnati!
92
00:03:47,010 --> 00:03:49,390
Don't unwrap that.
93
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,390
I'll make you
a tuna sandwich.
94
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:51,770
I see.
95
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,900
A cheese platter
suddenly appears,
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00:03:53,940 --> 00:03:55,900
yet I'm forbidden
to partake.
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00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:58,900
This couldn't possibly
have anything to do
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00:03:58,940 --> 00:04:02,570
with the impending arrival
of Douglas' parents today,
could it?
99
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:05,740
It's not just for them,
it's for all of us.
100
00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:07,580
Oh, splendid.
Then you won't mind
101
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,580
if I take a spoon
to the wheel of brie.
102
00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:11,910
Dad, you are driving
me crazy. Stop it!
103
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,750
No, I will not stop it!
104
00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:15,420
In the four years
I've been here,
105
00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:17,670
you never once bought me
a cheese platter.
Not once!
106
00:04:17,710 --> 00:04:19,420
Then I'll buy you one next week.
107
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:20,670
I don't want cheese
out of pity!
108
00:04:20,710 --> 00:04:21,800
I want cheese out of love!
109
00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:26,050
You love your parents
more than me! Admit it!
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00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:27,390
Done.
111
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,060
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
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[KNOCK ON DOOR]
113
00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:35,480
Hello?
114
00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:37,310
-Hello, Holly.
-Hi.
115
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,900
-Hey.
-Hi.
116
00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:40,400
Oh, look, Arthur,
you and Scout
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00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,650
are wearing
the same sweater.
118
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,610
Did you guys call
each other this morning?
119
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,030
No, but I will admit
120
00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:48,580
I saw him wearing that
the other day,
121
00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:49,780
and he looked
quite sharp.
122
00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:53,000
Okay, let's go.
Bye, guys.
123
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,620
Hold on, one sec.
124
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,960
Dad, I just opened up
a can of tuna for you.
125
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,420
Well, when it turns into
delicious cheese,
126
00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:00,550
I'll eat it!
127
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:05,090
You know what,
that sounds great.
128
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:06,050
Yes, we'll see you
in a half-hour.
129
00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:07,720
Thank yousomuch.
130
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,470
All right.
Bye-bye.
131
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:10,890
Who are we seeing
in a half-hour?
132
00:05:10,930 --> 00:05:12,680
The fertility doctor.
They had a cancellation.
133
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,640
-Come on, they can
get us in right now.
-Now?
134
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,560
We got to pick
my parents up at three o'clock.
135
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,560
It'll be perfect.
We'll go, we'll get checked out,
136
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,070
then we'll go straight
to the airport.
137
00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:22,690
No, no, no. I don't feel like
dealing with this today.
138
00:05:22,730 --> 00:05:24,650
Why not?
139
00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:25,820
'Cause I'd... [SIGHS]
I'd rather be told
to switch to baggy shorts
140
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:27,570
after new year's.
141
00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:29,820
Let's go. Come on.
142
00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:31,030
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
143
00:05:33,450 --> 00:05:35,500
Okay. Well,
I'm pleased to tell you
144
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:37,420
that the preliminary tests
we took this afternoon
145
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:38,880
have been enough for us
to isolate the problem.
146
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:39,880
Oh, well,
that's good.
147
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:40,960
So... so what's
going on?
148
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,380
-Doug...
-Yeah?
149
00:05:46,170 --> 00:05:47,930
Your sperm count
and motility check out fine.
150
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:50,100
Yes!
151
00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:51,470
Love you guys!
152
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,480
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
153
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,520
However, Carrie,
154
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,770
we did find something
irregular in your tests.
155
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:02,070
Apparently, you have
only one functioning ovary,
156
00:06:02,110 --> 00:06:03,650
which means
you're only fertile
157
00:06:03,690 --> 00:06:05,070
half as often
as you would otherwise be.
158
00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:07,570
Really?
159
00:06:07,610 --> 00:06:09,030
Well, there are
some drugs you can take,
160
00:06:09,070 --> 00:06:11,030
but I'm hoping that
that won't be necessary.
161
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:13,700
Um, actually,
as a matter of fact,
162
00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:16,500
you are beginning
an ovulation cycle today.
163
00:06:16,540 --> 00:06:18,710
-I am?
-Yes, you are.
164
00:06:18,750 --> 00:06:20,130
These next three days
would be a perfect time
165
00:06:20,170 --> 00:06:22,590
for you to try
to get pregnant. So...
166
00:06:22,630 --> 00:06:24,420
my professional advice is...
167
00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:26,760
get crackin'.
168
00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:34,010
So, what's new, kids?
169
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:40,560
Come on in,
come on in.
170
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,440
Oh, my goodness,
Carrie,
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00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,110
the house
looks beautiful.
172
00:06:44,150 --> 00:06:45,440
It's so festive.
173
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:46,820
Thank you, Janet.
174
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,900
Hey!
175
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,490
Where's that Miami dolphins
ornament I sent you?
176
00:06:50,530 --> 00:06:52,200
You didn't hang it up?
177
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,410
No, I got my jets ornament
up there.
178
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,490
So?
179
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,080
So? I'm not gonna
cancel out my jets ornament
180
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,540
with the friggin' dolphins.
181
00:06:59,290 --> 00:07:00,960
What, are you crazy?
182
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,170
One ornament doesn't
cancel out another.
183
00:07:03,210 --> 00:07:04,840
Dad, they're both
in the AFC East.
184
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,170
While you two discuss
185
00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:08,380
the true meaning
of Christmas,
186
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:09,880
can I make anybody
some coffee?
187
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,050
JANET: Oh, that would
be lovely, dear.
188
00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:12,470
Do you need some help?
189
00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:15,100
You know what, mom, you relax.
I'll help her out.
190
00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:16,350
Leave his ornament
alone, Joe.
191
00:07:16,390 --> 00:07:18,060
I was taking
a candy cane!
192
00:07:19,390 --> 00:07:20,350
So how you...
193
00:07:20,390 --> 00:07:21,980
how you doing?
194
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,610
Well, it wasn't my
most favorite trip
195
00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:26,020
to the doctor
I've ever had.
196
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:27,860
Did you have
any idea before?
197
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:30,070
Like, did you feel weird
in, like, a...
198
00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:32,200
a one ovary-ish
kind of way?
199
00:07:34,530 --> 00:07:36,280
Well, I wasn't
tipping to one side,
200
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,540
if that's
what you mean.
201
00:07:39,330 --> 00:07:41,500
This sucks!
202
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:44,130
Look, you heard
what the doctor-lady said.
203
00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:45,540
You still got one
that's open for business.
204
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,340
That's true.
205
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,260
We've got three fertile days
coming up,
206
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:51,550
so we've got to
make this happen.
207
00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:53,890
Hey, with my bullets,
208
00:07:53,930 --> 00:07:55,430
I can knock up you
and anyone standing behind you.
209
00:08:00,430 --> 00:08:02,480
I just wish we weren't
going through this
210
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,520
with your
parents visiting,
211
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,560
but at least we'll have
our room this time, right?
212
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,570
Yeah.
213
00:08:07,610 --> 00:08:09,150
Oh, God!
The suitcases!
214
00:08:09,190 --> 00:08:10,320
Go!
215
00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:17,530
Mom! Mom!
216
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:20,370
What? What are you running
around crazy for?
217
00:08:20,410 --> 00:08:21,910
[STUTTERING] I'm not. I just...
you know, let me take those.
218
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,120
Oh, thank you, darling.
219
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,540
God forbid your father should
get off his you-know-what.
220
00:08:25,580 --> 00:08:28,000
[LAUGHS]
Yeah. Uh...
221
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,050
You know what? Follow me
into the office.
222
00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:30,050
There we go.
223
00:08:30,090 --> 00:08:32,050
All right.
224
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:33,300
There we go.
Now we're in business.
225
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:34,590
Lookin' good, huh?
226
00:08:36,510 --> 00:08:38,510
Why are we in here?
227
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,720
Oh, uh, well,
to tell you the truth, Mom,
228
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,100
Carrie and I
were talking and...
229
00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:45,940
we thought that
you might like to...
230
00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:51,280
see our computer.
231
00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:54,320
Why, dear?
232
00:08:55,610 --> 00:08:57,570
Why?
233
00:08:57,620 --> 00:09:00,700
'Cause we're buying you one
for your birthday, that's why.
234
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:03,120
Oh, my God!
235
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,460
Come on, sit down.
Try that one out.
236
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,120
-See how you like it.
-That is so sweet!
237
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,130
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, sweet.
238
00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:08,290
Oh, it's nice.
239
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,590
Hey, Spooner!
240
00:09:12,630 --> 00:09:14,220
Good to see you.
241
00:09:14,260 --> 00:09:15,340
Season's greetings.
242
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,430
Who is this?
243
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,680
Little young for you,
isn't she?
244
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:21,560
Hi, I'm Holly Shumpert.
245
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,270
Joe Heffernan.
246
00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:24,560
You got a couple of nice
puppies there.
247
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:32,110
Thank-- oh, the dogs!
The dogs, right. No, no. No.
248
00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:34,110
No, they're not mine,
I'm just walking them.
That's what I do.
249
00:09:34,150 --> 00:09:35,280
-So you're a dogwalker?
-Yeah.
250
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,490
And a very busy one
at that.
251
00:09:36,530 --> 00:09:38,070
Good-bye.
252
00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:41,120
So what's the deal
here, Spooner?
253
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,330
Are you
a dogwalker, too?
254
00:09:42,370 --> 00:09:44,660
You two work as a team.
Is that it?
255
00:09:45,790 --> 00:09:47,670
Not exactly, no.
It's a...
256
00:09:47,710 --> 00:09:50,630
Doug and Carrie
pay me...
257
00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:52,340
Arthur needs to get out
occasionally--
258
00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:54,090
Now wait, wait,
wait a second.
259
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,680
Is she saying
that Doug and Carrie
260
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,600
pay a dogwalker
to walk you?
261
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,600
She does notwalkme.
262
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,230
She walkswithme.
263
00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:07,810
If I want to go left,
I go left,
264
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:09,650
if I want to go right,
I go right.
265
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:12,690
No dog on this earth
has that kind of leeway!
266
00:10:14,730 --> 00:10:16,700
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
267
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,240
You had her suitcase
in this room.
268
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,530
You couldn't just
close the deal?
269
00:10:23,370 --> 00:10:25,700
I just froze up.
270
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,540
I tried to speak, but
the words wouldn't come.
271
00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:30,290
All right, forget about it.
It's not the end of the world.
272
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,250
By the way, we gotta
buy her a computer.
273
00:10:32,290 --> 00:10:33,250
Okay...
274
00:10:33,290 --> 00:10:34,750
You know what?
275
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,460
If I don't get
a friggin' baby out of this,
276
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,050
you are so dead.
Yeah.
277
00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:40,720
All right.
278
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,760
Hop on in, butch.
279
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,060
[CREAKS]
280
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,310
Oh, God,
it's creaking.
281
00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:47,350
That's okay.
Just come on.
282
00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:48,440
It's not
gonna hold us.
283
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:49,690
Just go slow.
Come on!
284
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:51,520
[CREAKS]
285
00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:54,770
You see?
There, it stopped.
286
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,070
Yeah, 'cause I'm
just lying here,
287
00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:57,530
but once we start
doing stuff,
288
00:10:57,570 --> 00:10:58,820
it's gonna sound like
Geppetto's workshop in here.
289
00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:04,530
You're gonna be fine.
290
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,330
-You ready?
-Yeah.
291
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,290
All right,
here we go.
292
00:11:12,330 --> 00:11:13,710
Okay. Easy.
293
00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:15,460
All right.
294
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,630
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
295
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,510
-Okay.
-Yeah?
296
00:11:20,550 --> 00:11:22,220
Hey, Dougie, I forgot
to tell you,
297
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:24,180
I promised Lou Dimaria
298
00:11:24,220 --> 00:11:26,470
that we'd go see
his grandkid in his...
299
00:11:26,510 --> 00:11:29,560
Christmas choir show
tomorrow night.
300
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,350
-You remember Lou, don't you?
-Yeah, Lou. Yeah.
301
00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:33,190
Yeah, so you'll come?
302
00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:35,190
It'd mean a lot to Lou
and your mother.
303
00:11:35,230 --> 00:11:36,360
Sure, Dad.
We're there.
304
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,280
-Okay. Good night.
-Good night.
305
00:11:39,940 --> 00:11:41,490
Okay.
That didn't help.
306
00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:47,290
No.
307
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:51,750
Has you dad always had
those brown spots on his legs?
308
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:53,920
I couldn't tell you.
309
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,500
You know, they could
laser those right off.
310
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:56,920
Okay. You know what?
This isn't helping, either.
311
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,460
Okay. I'm sorry.
312
00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:00,170
You're right. I love you.
Okay. Come on. I love you.
313
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,720
-[FAX MACHINE RINGS]
-What?
314
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,770
[FAX MACHINE STARTS PRINTING]
315
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:13,480
We're getting a fax.
316
00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:17,820
This won't take long.
317
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,240
We'll have sex
in a minute.
318
00:12:27,950 --> 00:12:30,500
[FAX MACHINE STOPS]
319
00:12:30,540 --> 00:12:32,370
-Okay.
-All right.
320
00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,670
-[FAX MACHINE STARTS]
-Argh!
321
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:44,680
Okay, I'm at least six inches
lower than last time.
322
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:46,800
Okay. You know what?
323
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,260
Let's just forget
about this tonight,
324
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,560
and tomorrow morning,
we'll talk to your parents
325
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,230
and tell them what's going on
and have them
326
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:54,640
-give us our bedroom back.
-No, no, no.
327
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:55,690
I don't want to have
that conversation with them.
328
00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:56,980
-Why not?
-Because...
329
00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:58,440
I don't feel like
asking my parents
330
00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,520
to help me have sex, okay?
331
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:00,650
You know, I'm funny that way.
332
00:13:00,690 --> 00:13:02,240
[SIGHS] All right,
how about this...
333
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,400
tomorrow night
we blow off that choir thing,
334
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:05,660
and then we'll have
the house to ourselves.
335
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:06,740
No, we can't
blow it off.
336
00:13:06,780 --> 00:13:08,320
It's Lou Dimaria's
grandkid.
337
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:10,200
Who the hell
is Lou Dimaria?
338
00:13:10,830 --> 00:13:12,290
Uh, Lou Dimaria
339
00:13:12,330 --> 00:13:14,500
of Lou Dimaria Subaru?
340
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:16,750
Oh!
341
00:13:16,790 --> 00:13:18,880
Oh, my God!
I had no idea!
342
00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:22,590
He's an old friend
of the family, okay?
343
00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:24,840
Look, I'll get
the job done now.
344
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,470
I'll figure a way
to do it, all right.
345
00:13:26,510 --> 00:13:27,510
Come on, now let's do it.
You're hot. I love you.
346
00:13:27,550 --> 00:13:29,220
-Let's do it.
-All right.
347
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:32,600
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
348
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,730
[LAUGHING] Okay.
349
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,560
Yeah?
350
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,860
I hear you're joining us for
Lou's grandson's choir recital.
351
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:42,400
We are so happy!
352
00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:53,240
So you want
to keep going or--
353
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,750
I couldn't make love
to Julia Roberts right now.
354
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,630
* Four calling birds,Three French hens *
355
00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:05,340
* Two turtle doves *
356
00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:09,300
* And a partridgein a pear tree *
357
00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:10,970
* On the 11th dayof Christmas... *
358
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:13,970
Friggin' kids.
359
00:14:15,770 --> 00:14:17,100
What's the matter?
360
00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:18,270
What's the matter is,
361
00:14:18,310 --> 00:14:19,980
I've only got
one good ovary.
362
00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:21,770
It's firing right now,
363
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,980
and I'm stuck here
listening to these losers.
364
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,360
Can we just
back it down a notch?
365
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,650
No, I'm not gonna
back it down. I want a baby.
366
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,410
Can't we just
get out of here?
367
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:30,370
-No.
-Why?
368
00:14:30,410 --> 00:14:31,950
We live five minutes
from here.
369
00:14:31,990 --> 00:14:35,080
We can-- we can go home
for a half hour,
370
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,790
do what we gotta do,
and get back
371
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:37,960
before they get to
the Hanukkah songs.
372
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:41,420
I don't know.
373
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,670
Come on. Your parents
won't even notice.
374
00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,800
I think it's fate
that we couldn't find seats
next to them.
375
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,760
It's like
the spirit of Christmas
376
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,840
telling us to go home
and squeeze in a quickie.
377
00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:53,140
All right, but be careful.
This place is crawling
378
00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:54,350
-with Dimarias.
-Okay.
379
00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:03,360
-Uh...
-And now, would you all
please join us
380
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,190
for our famous
Jingle Bellsdance!
381
00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:08,030
Oh, I'm sorry.
382
00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:10,740
My wife
has one ovary.
383
00:15:10,780 --> 00:15:12,990
* Jingle bells,jingle bells *
384
00:15:13,030 --> 00:15:14,990
* Jingle all the way *
385
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,370
* Oh, what funit is to ride... *
386
00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:20,250
Want to dance
with us, sir?
387
00:15:20,290 --> 00:15:21,330
Yeah, you know what? I can't.
My wife's got a bad ovary.
388
00:15:21,370 --> 00:15:22,750
Oh, come on!
389
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,000
No, she really does.
One bad one.
390
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,750
* Oh, what funit is to ride *
391
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,050
* In a one-horseopen sleigh *
392
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:32,510
Okay. We've got a problem.
393
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:34,180
I only have one good ovary.
394
00:15:35,890 --> 00:15:37,430
-Oh, my!
-Yeah,
395
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,770
and we're trying
to make you a grandkid,
396
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:41,390
but it turns out
these three days,
397
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,810
the three days
that you guys are here,
398
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:47,030
are our last shot to conceive
for a couple of months.
399
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:50,450
Actually, we're down
to one night now.
400
00:15:50,490 --> 00:15:52,030
I told you
it wasn't Dougie.
401
00:15:57,580 --> 00:15:58,830
We're so sorry.
402
00:15:58,870 --> 00:15:59,870
What can we do
to help?
403
00:15:59,910 --> 00:16:02,040
Well, um...
404
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,250
a little more privacy
might make it easier for us.
405
00:16:05,290 --> 00:16:07,880
Well, why didn't you say so
in the first place?
406
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:09,380
Joe, maybe we should
go to a hotel.
407
00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:12,180
-What? Why?
-"Why?"
408
00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:13,220
'Cause Dougie
can't make love
409
00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:14,890
with us across the hall.
410
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,430
Why the hell not?
He did it in high school.
411
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:19,970
Never!
412
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,940
Sure.
With that, uh,
413
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,230
that girl that
played lacrosse.
414
00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:24,480
What was her name,
son?
415
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:26,940
Betsy Keenan.
416
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:28,480
Yeah, that's right!
They were in the den.
417
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:29,900
I heard 'em
plain as day.
418
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:31,820
You fell asleep
watching Carson.
419
00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:34,990
I had no idea.
420
00:16:36,910 --> 00:16:39,540
-I hope you used protection.
-Oh God!
421
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,160
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
422
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:45,920
I got it, darling.
[LAUGHS]
423
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,460
-Oh. Good morning, Holly.
-Hi.
424
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:48,500
-I'll see you all later.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
425
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,300
Hold up there, Spooner.
426
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:52,260
Janet, this is the one
I was telling you about,
427
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:54,090
the one that
walks Arthur.
428
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:57,390
-HOLLY: Hi. Happy holidays!
-JANET: Hi.
429
00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:58,810
Hey, you know what?
I could use some fresh air.
430
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:00,180
You mind if I join you
on the walk?
431
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,140
No, I don't mind.
432
00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:04,980
Terrific!
All right!
433
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:06,440
I'll see you all
in a couple hours. Huh?
434
00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:13,280
Okay. Here's an idea.
435
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,610
How about if Joe and I go out
to dinner tonight with Arthur
436
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,530
and leave the whole house
to you kids.
437
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,290
And... you can take
your bedroom back, too.
438
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,120
That would be perfect,
Janet. Thank you.
439
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,370
Our pleasure.
440
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,580
So...
441
00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:27,130
what time do you need us
to stay out until?
442
00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:29,460
Uh, midnight,
1 a.m.?
443
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,130
Ma, that's crazy. You don't
have to stay out that late.
444
00:17:31,170 --> 00:17:32,460
Well, how much time
do you need, Doug?
445
00:17:36,380 --> 00:17:38,050
-Definitely not till midnight.
-Okay.
446
00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:43,600
Uh, come back at 9:00.
9:00 is good.
447
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,140
9:00?
448
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,900
Speedy Gonzales here.
449
00:17:56,610 --> 00:17:58,410
-Doug, it's 8:25.
-I know.
450
00:17:58,450 --> 00:17:59,570
They're gonna be
back at 9:00.
451
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,160
I know what time
they're coming home.
452
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,490
I'm obviously having
a little problem here.
453
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,330
8:26.
454
00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:07,460
I don't understand this.
I've never had this
problem before.
455
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:08,880
Actually, you have, honey.
456
00:18:10,210 --> 00:18:11,380
Okay. That time
doesn't count.
457
00:18:11,420 --> 00:18:14,050
The Mets had just lost
the World Series.
458
00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,920
What are you
so stressed about, anyway?
459
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:18,010
Nobody's home.
460
00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:20,140
Your parents are out having
a nice dinner with my dad.
461
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,390
Exactly. They're out
having a nice dinner
462
00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:22,930
so I can be here
having sex with you.
463
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:24,350
That's the entire purpose
of the dinner!
464
00:18:24,390 --> 00:18:26,230
Do you realize the pressure
that puts on me!
465
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:28,440
Doug...
466
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,400
Doug, they're not even
thinking about you.
467
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,360
They're probably obsessing
468
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,480
over how little
they can leave the waiter.
469
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,490
DOUG: Oh, believe me
they're talking about us.
470
00:18:36,530 --> 00:18:38,200
"So, you think they made us
a grandchild yet,
471
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,570
or should we get
some more coffee?"
472
00:18:39,610 --> 00:18:40,990
"I don't know. Ask Spooner."
473
00:18:41,030 --> 00:18:42,370
"I invented coffee!"
474
00:18:44,950 --> 00:18:46,160
It's 8:27.
475
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,040
It's 8:27!
476
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,670
Come on. Come on.
Damn you!
477
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:54,960
Doug, that is not gonna
help you relax.
478
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:56,920
[CALMLY] Oh, damn you!
479
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,590
Doug, listen to me.
480
00:18:59,630 --> 00:19:01,300
Listen to me.
481
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,260
Just forget about everything,
everyone, okay.
482
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,390
It's just you
and me here.
483
00:19:06,430 --> 00:19:07,600
Just come back
to bed. Okay?
484
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,020
-Okay.
-Okay.
485
00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:12,520
-Okay.
-All right.
486
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,610
Let me fluff up
your pillow
487
00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:16,070
the way you like it.
All right?
488
00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:18,240
-Okey-doke.
-What was that?
489
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:19,450
No. It's done.
It's done. It's done.
490
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:20,530
Oh, my God.
It's my mother's pajamas!
491
00:19:20,570 --> 00:19:22,280
Oh, my God!
Mama's pjs.
492
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,160
-All gone!
-Mama's pjs! No!
493
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,410
All gone!
All gone!
494
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,200
Okay? All right.
495
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,620
No, no, no.
496
00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:31,420
Come back to bed.
Come on.
497
00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:32,540
-This way, baby.
-Oh, God!
498
00:19:32,580 --> 00:19:34,380
That's right.
Come to mama.
499
00:19:35,630 --> 00:19:37,130
Sorry.
Bad choice of words.
500
00:19:39,050 --> 00:19:40,380
All right.
Now, listen to me, you.
501
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:46,770
You are the most wonderful man
I've ever known.
502
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,140
And there's nothing
I want more right now
503
00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:50,440
than to make a baby
with you.
504
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:54,690
The thing is,
we only have 20 minutes.
505
00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:57,610
Okay?
506
00:19:57,650 --> 00:20:00,490
So help me... help you.
507
00:20:02,490 --> 00:20:03,620
Okay.
508
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,530
How's that?
509
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,120
Well, that's...
510
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,290
-that's good right there.
-All right.
511
00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:13,460
-Now, you just think
real sexy thoughts.
-Okay.
512
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:14,750
-All right?
-Like what?
513
00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:17,000
Um, think
of Alyssa Milano.
514
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,130
Huh? She's hot,
515
00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:20,420
plus her last name's
a cookie.
516
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,720
Ooh, yeah.
Okay.
517
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:27,680
-Oh, that's good.
-Yeah.
518
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,640
[MURMURED VOICES]
519
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:34,310
-Do you hear something?
-Yeah.
520
00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:35,690
What is that?
521
00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:37,360
You know what?
I-- I-- I don't know.
522
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,650
Where's it coming from?
523
00:20:39,690 --> 00:20:41,150
JOE: Why can't we go in?
524
00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:47,030
JANET: ...not supposed to be
back for another 25 minutes.
525
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,490
They're trying to make a baby.
526
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:49,740
JOE: It's freezin' here.
527
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:52,160
JANET: Then take a walk.
528
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:54,250
Or do you only like to do that
when a pretty girl takes you?
529
00:20:54,290 --> 00:20:56,710
-Finally! Someone had the guts
to say it!
-Shhh!
530
00:20:58,420 --> 00:21:00,210
We are just gonna
stand here
531
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,220
and wait here
until nine o'clock,
532
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:03,720
because that is what
Dougie needs.
533
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:23,360
Meet you back here
in a couple months.
534
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,570
-You got it.
-Okay.
535
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,170
Carrie!
I'm ready!
536
00:21:49,140 --> 00:21:51,720
So, your whole family
is back in Maine, huh?
537
00:21:51,770 --> 00:21:53,180
Yeah, all 13 of them.
538
00:21:53,220 --> 00:21:55,190
I'm the only one not still
working at the fish hatchery.
539
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:56,940
Fish hatchery, huh?
540
00:21:56,980 --> 00:21:58,100
What is that,
cod-country up there?
541
00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,480
Blue fish mostly.
542
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,030
Don't worry, fellows.
543
00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:03,610
He's just flavor of the month.
544
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,030
Flavor of the month.
545
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,620
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
38361
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