All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2001) - S04E05 - No Retreat_track3_[eng]

[**]

If eatin' hotdogs
is wrong,

I don't wanna
be right.

Man, I read an article
on what actually goes
into a hotdog--

Hey, man! That's
none of our concern.

Hey, listen, uh,
Saturday I'm takin'
my brother's boat out.

You guys wanna go
water-skiing?

Not me. Not me.

Hey, let me tell you
about the one time
I went water-skiing.

Or as I like
to call it,

my 40-mile-an-hour
enema.

I'm in the water,
right? I'm adjusting
my vest,

and the guys
I'm with, they just
take off, you know.

So I'm screamin'
"Stop, stop!"

And they're like,
they keep--

Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey, listen, I'm telling
my water-skiing story.

Oh, did you throw in

your 40-mile-an-hour
enema line yet?

Yes, I did,
and it was
very well received.

Finally, I get up
for, like, 2 seconds,
and then I wipe out.

I hit the water,

my bathing suit
literally explodes
on impact.

So I'm just floatin'
there, and I--

Oh, do the floaty thing.

Oh, yeah. I'm like this.
Whoa. Whoa. You know?

And I realize I scream
exactly the same

if a great white
is gonna attack me

or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot.

Same scream.

All right, I'm gonna
go finish packing.

I wanna leave
early tomorrow.

Bye, you guys.
Later, Car.

Where you guys goin'?

Oh, Carrie's got
a retreat with her
law firm upstate.

Sounds brutal.

Yeah, but it's
a big deal for her.

Hey, listen, Deac,
could I get you to
check in on Arthur?

There's no, uh, washing or
wiping involved, is there?

No, he's still
on top of that.

OK.

All right, who needs
another brew?

Oh, right here.

Alrighty.

Oh, look.

Look at the tie
I bought you
for the retreat.

It's gonna go great
with your brown jacket.

Yeah, the, uh,
brown jacket

doesn'tclose
in the traditional
sense anymore.

What? Why didn't you
tell me that before?

I could have
had it altered.

I'll wear
my blue jacket.

What are you getting
so worked up about?

Because, Doug,
this is the first time

I've been invited
to a work function

where I'm actually
a guest,

where my name
will just be Carrie,

not "Carrie, coffee, now!"

All right, OK.

Well, the senior
partners are gonna
be there.

You know, I wanna work
for one of these guys.

Their secretaries
make a lot of money.

They have
their own offices.

They're on
the lunch list!

Honey, I'm with you.

I'll go. I'll dress up.
I'll be your trophy husband.

I know that's why
you married me.

Thanks, honey.
You're being
great about this.

Come on, I love you, you know?
I'm here for ya.

Oh, oh, I bought you
another thing for the trip...

A book?

Yeah, I heard it's
supposed to be great.

It's about those guys
who climbed Mount Everest.

I thought you might
want something to read.

I have never wanted
something to read.

You know,
here's the thing, honey.

Um, I was looking
at the brochure
for the lodge up there,

and, um, the thing is
there's no TV.

* My eyes are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight *

* But I don't care
'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check
and drive right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby, all my life *

* I will be drivin' home
to you *

Isn't this great?

OK, I'm the only one
in a tie.

But you look nice.

Carrie, a guy thought
I was the manager,

told me the toilet
won't stop flushing in 312.

It'll be fine.
All right, I wanna
schmooze everybody.

Let's Heffernate
the place.

Mr. Thompson, hi.
Hi.

I wanna congratulate you
on becoming partner.

Oh, thanks.

This is my husband Doug.

Doug, this is Mr. Thompson.

He just made partner.

Oh, really? Wow.

Howdy, pardner.

Hey, Carrie,
real quick.

I want you to meet
Sue Rabinowitz.

You talk to her
all the time
on the phone,

and she wants
to put a face
with the name.

Sure. Excuse me
for one minute.

[SOFTLY] No, Carrie. Wait,
please, God, I hate you.

[CLEARS THROAT]
So... partner...

Actually, it's been
quite a journey there, Doug.

You know, funny story, um,

originally, I was admitted
to the bar in Virginia.

Uh, and then I made my way
back up to New York,

and, so, I had to take
a new bar exam.

Now, that was difficult
because some of the laws

are similar,

and then some of them
are slightly different.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

I see you're enjoying
your doodles.

Yeah.

You realize Doug
and Carrie left me

a limited supply
of food.

I brought these
from my house

and I left you
another bag right there.

Why don't you
check the attitude, son?

I'm gonna get
a glass of water.
You want some?

No. Look,
I'm 76 years old,

and I don't need
a baby-sitter!

I should be
baby-sitting you.

Look, man,
Doug just asked me
to check in on you.

I'm just being nice.

Nice, my ass.

You just like
playing God.

Hey, I could be at home
with my wife and kids.

Do you also sit
in front of them

eatin' cheese puffs
like a wolverine?

You want me to leave?

I want that
with every fiber
of my being!

Fine, then I'm out of here.

Good!

And thank you
for the doodle crumbs!

OK, so, as the head
of the contract department,

what I do is
I sit down with all
the corporate officers,

and, uh, together
we draw up the various...

[THINKING]
I should be listening.
I just can't lock in.

OK, if I start
listening now,
I might get into it.

OK, now.

Now!

Damn it!

...you have to do
the whole thing over again.

Now, there's a green copy,
a pink copy...

I wonder if I could lift
this guy with one arm.

Hi. I'm done in here.

Hey, how's it coming
with my toilet?

Oh, I, uh, I sent the guy up.

...around here somewhere.

Listen, if you can't
make it happen,

I'll take
my business
elsewhere, OK?

Honey, I wanna--
I wanna introduce you
to someone important, honey.

No, no.
I understand that,

but I am at
my wife's retreat
right now, OK?

I don't
have time to be--

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Whoa. Whoa.
This thing's
going crazy, man.

I'm talkin'.
She's ringin'.

Doug Heffernan.
How are you?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. I have, uh,
chicken kebabs and a quart
of curry clam soup.

Well, thank you,
my good lad.

I'll tell ya,
you build up
quite an appetite

delivering packages,
which is what I do.

MALE NARRATOR [ON TV]:
It has been written
since the beginning of time,

even unto
these ancient stones,

that evil, supernatural
creatures exist...

You sure your, uh,
company's paying
for all this?

'cause if they're not,
it's gonna affect
my choices.

Yes, Doug, it's all free.

But just do me a favor.
Try not to eat the door.

Whoa.

Where the hell
is that coming from?

Where's it coming from?

How about your pathetic
performance down there?

What? What mixer
were you at?

Oh, OK, any of these things
ring a bell?

Avoiding eye contact,
faking cell phone calls,

and did I see you
running a floor polisher?

I was moving it
to a safer place.

Do you know who
that was I was trying
to introduce you to?

That was Lou Kaplan, OK?
He's a senior partner.

And you know
what I just found out?
His secretary's leaving.

And I want that job, Doug!

But what do you care?
Right? It's amazing.

When you're
with your friends,

you're funny,
you're telling stories,

but up here, you're like
a friggin' idiot!

Well, you know what?
My friends are a little
more fun than these guys.

[BORING VOICE]
Oh, yes, the documentation
of the documents

was very well documented.

Really? Tell me
that story again,
from the beginning!

You know what,
if that's not
exciting enough,

I can always come upstairs
here andread!

Yeah, oh! A harrowing climb
from base camp to 29,028 feet.

[FART NOISE]

All right,
you know what, Doug?

Nobody told you
this was gonna be

the best weekend
of your life,

but you're here for me.

Just like when I went up
to Buffalo with you
for Sausage Fest.

That was
a "you" weekend.

But did I shut down?

No, I did not.

I entered and won a very
embarrassing contest.

Why? Because I love you.

And I'm just,

I'm just asking
the same from you.

All right.
I'm sorry, OK?

I'll try to be
better tomorrow.

Aah...

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaaah!

Aaaaaaaaah!

So I said, "Are you a judge,
or do you just like
wearing the robe?"

That's so true.

Yes, it is.
You are one bad
senior partner.

You said you would try,
so jump in.

I did. I talked
about the eggs.

You said you got eggs.
That's not enough.

So now, my grandson tells me
he needs a jet ski,

and on top of that,
he wants to turn professional.

Oh, he's talking
about jet-skiing.

Tell him your
water-skiing story. Come on.

Mr. Kaplan!
Speaking of jet-skiing,

Doug has a funny story
about water-skiing.

Oh, oh, great,
just one sec.

So, bottom line,
I tell my daughter,

get him the best jet ski
they make.

I don't care
what it costs.

I mean, the kid
has cystic fibrosis.

I just want to see him
happy, you know.

How's the little guy
doin'?

Not so good.

So, Doug, you have
a water-skiing story?

Oh, man! What the hell
happened here?

Uh, what is
that smell? Whew.

That may or may not be
the curry clam soup

I spilled on the bed.

How did you spill soup
on their bed?

Well, technically,
I was in their bed.

Well, did you wipe it up
with Doug's uniform?

Technically, I was
in Doug's uniform.

Let me get this straight.

You were in Doug's uniform,
eating soup in their bed?

Those are the tent poles
of the story, yes.

Were you trying to...
be Doug?

Look, we can
stand here all day
and point fingers,

or we can work as a team
and get this place
cleaned up!

[VOICE CRACKS]
And then I, uh,
fall, and, uh,

my bathing suit
literally explodes
on impact.

And, uh,
I'm just, like,

I'm floating there,
you know,

I'm floatin' there,
like, whoa...

Don't float.
Hmm?

Don't float.

And, uh, and then, uh,

seaweed touched me,
and it was gross.

The end.

That's some story.

I tell ya, Doug,
you may want
to look into

editing that bad boy.

Well, this has been
a super breakfast.

That's the last thing
I'm saying all weekend.

You were just thrown
by the fibrosis thing.
Don't give up.

I just want
to say thank you
so much

for hosting this
whole thing.

It's really
great up here.

Oh, yeah. I love it here
in the mountains.

You know, when I was younger,
I used to climb these things.

Oh, yeah.
Climbing's great.

You a climber, Doug?

Yeah, yeah,
a little bit, yeah.

Nothing like it, is there?

No, there is not.

How high up ya been?

Hmm?

What's the highest elevation
you hit?

Uh, oh, uh,
29,028 feet. Yeah.

29,000 feet?
That's Everest.

You've climbed
Mount Everest?

Yes, I did.

Why would you say
you climbed Mount Everest?

I don't know!

What were you thinking?

I don't know!

You were pinching me
and poking me.

He brought up
mountain climbing.

I remembered
the book.

The book isn't about you!

I know that now!

See? This is why
I don't read.

OK, you know what?
You know what?

For the rest
of the trip,

you stay in this room,
and you will make

a very brief appearance
at the final dinner, OK?

A lot of lawyers
do that with
their alcoholic wives.

It works.

Fine, yeah,
I'll stay in the room.

You know what I'll do?
I'll just watch TV.

Hey, look what's on.
Flowers!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Oh, all right.
Yeah, no, we can make it.

OK. We'll see ya then.

Bye-bye.

Crap!

What?

That was Mr. Kaplan.
Apparently, now
he finds my husband,

the mountain climber,
delightful.

We're going horseback riding
with him in 15 minutes.

What? We can't!
He'll grill me
about Everest!

Maybe he won't ask.

Carrie, I scaled
the highest mountain
in the world.

Who wouldn't
ask about that?

I'm fascinating.

Oh, you're right.
What are we gonna do?

Here, we've got about
6 1/2 minutes. Read.

We need to know
where Mount Everest is,

what kind
of equipment you need.

Is there any good
mountain lingo in there?

What's it say?
What's it say?

I'm looking!
I'm looking!

Hey, this guy
lost a big toe.

I'm very screwed.

Yeah,
I'll never forget it,

up there on Everest.

It was so cold,
you know.

Snow was everywhere,

so much snow that...

like, schools would be closed
for two or three days.

I mean, if they had schools

up there, I don't...

I didn't see any.
I did see a see-saw.

And when, exactly,
did you lose the big toe?

Uh, oh,
I don't even know.

I just took
my boot off,
and it was gone.

Yeah. He still
has trouble balancing.

You know, I envy you, Doug.

I'm tough as nails
in the courtroom,

but I wonder if I could have
held up on that hill.

I think you would have
been pretty great.

Ha ha! Thanks.
Means a lot.

Hey, you know,

next weekend,
you and Carrie

should come up to
our house in Connecticut.

Do you like
hot-air ballooning?

Uh, uh--

We love it!

I would pick up
the broken glass
from the crystal swan

before I put
the mattress back.

Hey, I think
I can handle it.

I would put
the other side up.

Stop telling me
what to do!

Well, if you
put the mattress
soup side down,

it's gonna get moldy.
Any idiot knows that!

You got soup
on both sides
and on the wall!

What'd you do,
pour it through a fan?

Look, don't make this
a black-white thing, OK?

You're out of your mind.
I'm going home.

You can't go.

Douglas will smack me around
like apiñata.

Good.

I am not going away
on another weekend with him!

Why? I think hot-air
ballooning sounds fun!

No. You told me
that all I had to do
was get through this ride.

That's all I'm doing.

And look how great
you're doing.

You're up on that horse.
You're lying like
a son of a bitch--

No!
Come on.

If we go away with him,
I can have a lock
on that job.

One float in a basket
over Connecticut.
I'll bring chicken.

OK, you are now
officially insane.

I tried my best here,
but now you've
crossed the line.

I'm done schmoozing.
I'm done lying.
I'm done reading.

I'm done!

Me and Whiskers,
you know what?
We're out of here.

We're out of here, man.

I don't need any of this.

Yeah, tell me...

Tell me...

Unh!

I don't need you.

Hyah!

Giddy-up!

I'm--oh,
we're outta here.

Yee-yee-yah!

Yee-yah!

Oh-yah!

Yeah.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

DOUG: Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, sweet Lord.

So outta here.
So outta here.

I don't need you.

So don't need you.

[NEIGHS]

I am outta here.
I am so outta here.

Come on back, Whiskers.

We can walk.

We can walk.
Yes, we can.

Your shoulder
still hurtin', baby?

It's better that
it's back in the socket.

At least it
got us out of
hot-air ballooning, huh?

Yes, honey.
You were so great--

Aah!

Oh, so sorry.
Mama.

Yes. You were really great
this weekend, sweetie.

I know I went a little nuts.

I'll get that job somehow.
You don't have to
worry about it.

You ever think of just
sleeping with the guy?

Yeah, um,
actually I talked to
his current secretary.

Apparently, it's
a lot of work.

CARRIE:
Oh, hi, Daddy.

Darling. Douglas.

How was your weekend?

Quite nice,
except when

your friend Deacon
stopped by.

Why? What happened?

He lurched in here,
reeking of soup
and bourbon,

went right up
into your bedroom.

I heard some noise,

but I didn't think
it was my place

to go into your
private quarters.

CARRIE: Oh, my God!

DOUG: Sweet TV.

[**]