Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:04,080
[**]
2
00:00:39,620 --> 00:00:42,450
* My eyesare gettin' weary *
3
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,210
* My back is gettin' tight *
4
00:00:45,250 --> 00:00:47,210
* I'm sittin' herein traffic *
5
00:00:47,250 --> 00:00:49,840
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight *
6
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:54,420
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do *
7
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,550
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you *
8
00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:02,890
* 'Cause, baby,all my life *
9
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:06,600
* I will be drivin' hometo you *
10
00:01:19,570 --> 00:01:22,740
I can't get this stupid
ketchup packet open.
11
00:01:22,790 --> 00:01:24,660
Just tear on the little
dotted line.
12
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:26,160
The dotted line
means nothing.
13
00:01:26,210 --> 00:01:28,880
It's like the "Door Close"
button on an elevator...
14
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,210
It's all show.
15
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:32,840
Here. Give it to me.
16
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:35,720
There you go.
17
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,590
Thanks. I need
about 12 more.
18
00:01:40,470 --> 00:01:42,930
Well, he's right,
there's not a lot of ketchup
in one of these bad boys.
19
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,310
Thank you.
They should be bigger.
20
00:01:45,350 --> 00:01:48,690
Like the size
of a pillow.
21
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:50,860
Yeah, or like a mattress.
22
00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:52,650
How cool would that be,
like sleeping on ketchup?
23
00:01:52,690 --> 00:01:54,690
Hey...
Ohh...
24
00:01:54,730 --> 00:01:56,820
OK, can we talk about
something other than ketchup?
25
00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:59,320
We're paying our sitters
$7 an hour.
26
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,240
Oh, my God!
Hey, you guys!
27
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:02,490
ALL: Hey!
28
00:02:02,530 --> 00:02:04,700
Guy and Lisa! Hi!
29
00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:08,330
Look at this little
Parkside Apartments reunion.
30
00:02:08,370 --> 00:02:09,670
What's up, man?
31
00:02:09,710 --> 00:02:12,920
Oh, nada much.
Nada much.
32
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,340
I miss you. I haven't
seen you in forever.
33
00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:17,010
I know.
34
00:02:17,050 --> 00:02:17,880
I totally understand.
35
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,050
I know how busy
you guys are.
36
00:02:19,090 --> 00:02:21,890
You two are so hard
to get a hold of.
37
00:02:21,930 --> 00:02:25,390
Actually, I do
owe you a call.
Yes. You're good.
38
00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:28,520
Well, I am really happy
that we ran into you,
'cause guess what?
39
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,060
We're finally
getting married!
40
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:32,560
Oh, my God!
Whoa! What the--
together!
41
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:33,900
Good work, man.
42
00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:36,150
Definitely.
I, uh, rented
a hot air balloon
43
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:40,360
and popped the question
1,000 feet over New Jersey.
44
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,820
Oh. I'm glad
she said "Yes,"
45
00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:44,530
'cause that would have
been an awkward float down.
46
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:46,620
Oh. Oh. Please,
please, please tell me
47
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:47,950
you're available
the third next month,
48
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,660
because you are all
so important to me,
49
00:02:49,710 --> 00:02:52,040
and I really, really,
wanna have you there.
50
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:55,800
Of course we'll be there.
We'll be there with bells on.
We wouldn't miss it.
51
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,800
Oh. Us, too.
Well, we're-- We're there.
52
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,420
Oh, yay! I'm so happy
you're gonna make it.
53
00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:03,350
I mean, Doug and Carrie,
I know how busy
you guys are.
54
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,180
We will see you there?
55
00:03:05,220 --> 00:03:06,180
OK.
Yeah.
56
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,810
Alrighty.
Bye.
57
00:03:07,850 --> 00:03:10,390
Wow. They're
finally doing it.
That's great.
58
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,640
I know.
It is great.
59
00:03:11,690 --> 00:03:12,940
Yep. It's pretty great.
60
00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:14,940
DEACON: Mmm.
61
00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:18,440
Is it me, or has
she gotten more annoying?
62
00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:19,780
Definitely kicked it up
a notch. Yes.
63
00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:21,570
Come on, you guys.
Stop it. She's fine.
64
00:03:21,610 --> 00:03:22,780
Yeah, and the wedding's
gonna be fun.
65
00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:23,870
I mean, it's one afternoon
of your life,
66
00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:25,080
so quit your bitching.
67
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:26,410
Hey, who's bitching?
As long as there's a guy
68
00:03:26,450 --> 00:03:28,080
with a big hat
carving roast beef,
69
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,040
I'm one jolly S.O.B.
70
00:03:34,210 --> 00:03:35,340
How do?
71
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:36,630
Hey.
Mmm.
72
00:03:36,670 --> 00:03:38,590
Hon, I can't
figure out
what to make.
73
00:03:38,630 --> 00:03:40,760
How do you feel
about eggs
for dinner?
74
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,640
It's unconventional,
but I'll allow it.
75
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,850
Oh, Douglas.
Just the man I was
hoping to find.
76
00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:50,310
Hey. Arthur-itis.
77
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,860
I'll say a phrase, and I want
your instant reaction.
78
00:03:57,900 --> 00:03:59,940
Don't think. Just speak.
79
00:03:59,980 --> 00:04:03,490
Half-price footwear. Go.
80
00:04:03,530 --> 00:04:06,950
Pass. Next question.
81
00:04:06,990 --> 00:04:09,740
Style-Rite shoes
is having a father
and son shoe sale.
82
00:04:09,790 --> 00:04:11,540
Father buys a pair,
son gets a pair for free.
83
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:14,120
If we go in together,
we get 2 for 1,
and we split the cost.
84
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:18,380
All I need
is for you to pretend
you are my son.
85
00:04:18,420 --> 00:04:21,590
Right. Right. No.
86
00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:26,800
You do understand
we are talking about
half-price footwear?
87
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,300
Yes, I do understand that.
I also understand
88
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:30,810
that you had some kind
of sausage for lunch.
89
00:04:30,850 --> 00:04:32,850
Sorry. Not interested.
90
00:04:32,890 --> 00:04:35,770
Fine. You have just
wise-guyed your way
91
00:04:35,810 --> 00:04:38,230
out of a very
sweet deal, friend.
92
00:04:38,270 --> 00:04:40,900
You picked yourself
a real loser, darling.
93
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,570
Hey, look at this.
We got Lisa and Guy's
wedding invitation.
94
00:04:44,610 --> 00:04:46,160
Oh, really?
Open it. Open it.
95
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,160
Yeah?
Yeah.
96
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,620
OK. Could have done
without the confetti.
97
00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:53,410
Read it.
98
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,330
All right. Blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Da da da da.
99
00:04:56,370 --> 00:04:58,000
Just the usual stuff,
really.
100
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,500
Hey. Fun fact.
Guy's mother's name
is "Midge."
101
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:03,130
[LAUGHS]
Midge.
102
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,010
So where's the wedding?
At Leonard's?
103
00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:07,050
Uh, that would be
in chapter 2.
104
00:05:07,090 --> 00:05:10,680
Uh, the Dellecave Manor...
105
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,020
Oh, sweet God.
106
00:05:12,060 --> 00:05:12,810
What?
107
00:05:12,850 --> 00:05:14,310
It's in Maryland.
108
00:05:14,350 --> 00:05:15,480
What?
109
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,690
Gaithersburg, Maryland.
110
00:05:16,730 --> 00:05:17,690
We gotta go to Maryland.
111
00:05:17,730 --> 00:05:18,860
Let me see that.
112
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:20,400
What? You don't think
I can read?
113
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,730
That's like
a 5-hour drive.
114
00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:25,490
This is an all weekend
stay overnight thing.
115
00:05:25,530 --> 00:05:27,360
She tricked us.
116
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,700
We're not going. You know,
they're friends, yes,
117
00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:31,870
but they're not
"drive to Maryland" friends.
118
00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:33,830
Doug, we have to go.
If we don't,
119
00:05:33,870 --> 00:05:36,370
we're not gonna
be friends with them
at all.
120
00:05:36,410 --> 00:05:38,790
Great. Where do I sign?
121
00:05:38,830 --> 00:05:41,710
Doug, I said
we were free.
You heard me,
122
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:43,800
and I said
we'd be there
with bells on.
123
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,380
But that was before
you remembered that...
124
00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:49,090
my Uncle Shmelman
was coming to visit
that weekend
125
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,720
and could possibly
be dying if necessary.
126
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,890
No. We can't
make up an excuse.
127
00:05:54,930 --> 00:05:56,730
Why not?
Do you remember
our wedding?
128
00:05:56,770 --> 00:05:58,650
They were in Munich,
and they flew back early
129
00:05:58,690 --> 00:05:59,810
so they
could be there.
130
00:05:59,850 --> 00:06:01,310
Do you know
where Munich is?
131
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,150
I'll tell you one thing.
It's a lot closer
than Maryland.
132
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:09,360
Doug, if we don't go,
I will never hear
the end of it.
133
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:10,450
You know how Lisa is.
134
00:06:10,490 --> 00:06:11,740
I miss returning
one of her phone calls,
135
00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:13,120
and she's,
"Oh, you're so busy,
136
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,750
and you're so hard
to get a hold of."
137
00:06:15,790 --> 00:06:18,000
Could you imagine
if we skipped
their wedding?
138
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,380
"Oh, so sorry
we missed you
at the wedding.
139
00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:22,380
Good thing we flew in
from Munich for yours,
140
00:06:22,420 --> 00:06:23,840
or we'd never see you."
141
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,760
We're going.
Deal with it, hon.
142
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,010
Well, if we go,
I'm punching Midge.
143
00:06:41,810 --> 00:06:43,060
I don't know
about this, Arthur.
144
00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:44,860
I mean, pretending
to be your son,
145
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:46,610
that's--that's
kind of like lying.
146
00:06:46,650 --> 00:06:47,860
Oh, you don't
like lying,
147
00:06:47,900 --> 00:06:49,240
but you sure
jumped for joy
148
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,360
when I mentioned
half-price shoes,
didn't you?
149
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:52,530
Now, shut
your pie-hole
150
00:06:52,570 --> 00:06:53,910
and start
calling me "Daddy."
151
00:06:53,950 --> 00:06:56,790
Hey, there.
Can I help you?
152
00:06:56,830 --> 00:07:00,960
Uh, yes. I'd like
to see these
in a 9 1/2.
153
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,670
What would
you like, son?
154
00:07:03,710 --> 00:07:06,210
Clarks Wallabees.
Size 7.
155
00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:07,710
That's my boy.
156
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,010
Hey, uh, you
and your son sit tight,
and I'll go grab 'em.
157
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:16,560
He bought it!
Ha ha! What a rush!
158
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,270
Just out of curiosity,
159
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:26,320
what's the story
with your real father?
160
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,150
Oh, uh...
161
00:07:28,190 --> 00:07:30,650
he walked out
on me and my mom
when I was 2.
162
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,490
Then, uh,
this little charade
163
00:07:32,530 --> 00:07:34,370
must be very painful
for you.
164
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:35,990
Yeah. Actually, uh--
165
00:07:36,030 --> 00:07:37,490
Shut up. He's coming.
166
00:07:38,870 --> 00:07:40,000
Found 'em both.
167
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,670
Oh. Terrific.
You know, it's funny.
168
00:07:42,710 --> 00:07:43,880
I remember
the very first pair
169
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,000
of big boy shoes
I bought for this kid.
170
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,590
You know what he said?
171
00:07:47,630 --> 00:07:49,960
"My toes got
their own house now."
172
00:07:50,010 --> 00:07:51,420
[BOTH LAUGH]
173
00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:54,010
Ah.
174
00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:56,350
So, uh, how do those fit?
175
00:07:56,390 --> 00:08:01,690
Wonderfully.
They remind me of my first
G.I. government issue.
176
00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:03,940
You served in W.W. II?
177
00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:05,650
Army. 71st Infantry.
178
00:08:05,690 --> 00:08:07,440
You're kidding.
The 29th.
179
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,360
I mean, we were the guys
that went in first...
180
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,030
I mean, cleared the way
for you.
181
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:16,240
Cleared the way? It was
no picnic for us, you know.
182
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,200
Yeah, but we took
a hell of a lot
more casualties.
183
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,290
Well, sure, but you understand
how difficult it was for us...
184
00:08:22,330 --> 00:08:26,040
tripping over
all your bodies?
185
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,090
Hey, Dad? We're out
of the Rockport Loafers.
186
00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:30,550
I'll call in
an order, 'K?
187
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:32,340
Thanks, Scotty.
188
00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:34,050
That's my son.
189
00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:35,890
Good lookin' boy.
190
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,970
Straighten up.
191
00:08:38,010 --> 00:08:39,510
Hey, I got an idea.
192
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,390
What do you say we go out
for dinner and drinks?
193
00:08:41,430 --> 00:08:44,350
We bring our boys, we tell them
how the war really was,
194
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:46,940
how my unit
saved your ass...
195
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:48,360
You mean
how we saved yours,
196
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,900
but, uh, we'll pick
this up at Tony Roma's.
197
00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:53,150
Uh, actually, Dad,
198
00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:55,070
I'm kind of busy
with things
right now.
199
00:08:55,110 --> 00:08:56,320
I don't have time.
200
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,910
Well, you sure
find time to shoe shop.
201
00:08:58,950 --> 00:09:00,080
You can't sit
with these good people
202
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,450
for an hour
and have dinner?
203
00:09:01,490 --> 00:09:05,290
Now, take those off
and go wait for me
in the car.
204
00:09:08,290 --> 00:09:11,340
And that's the cheapest
room rate you have?
205
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:14,010
You do realize
you're in a town
in Maryland
206
00:09:14,050 --> 00:09:16,180
no one outside of the state
has ever heard of?
207
00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:19,180
Tell them we're
Triple-A members.
Tell them.
208
00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:20,760
Yeah. Just for one night.
Uh-huh.
209
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,020
Tell them
we're Triple-A.
210
00:09:22,060 --> 00:09:23,180
Sometimes they give
you a discount.
211
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:25,770
All right. Well, thank you.
Bye-bye.
212
00:09:25,810 --> 00:09:27,100
Why are we a member
of an auto club
213
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,190
if you won't
bring it up?
214
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:30,400
I did. Before you came in.
215
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,280
189 bucks is the best rate
they can give us.
216
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,950
Can't we just mark "No"
on this RSVP card?
217
00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:40,080
It would be so simple.
2 little letters. N-O.
218
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,790
We can't.
We're in too deep now.
219
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:44,040
Lisa called me last night,
and I actually said again
220
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,540
we'd be there
with bells on.
221
00:09:45,580 --> 00:09:48,120
Again with the bells?
What is your obsession
with bells?
222
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,880
They flew in from Munich.
223
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,130
Oh, come on.
224
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:52,710
And you know
what the worst thing is?
225
00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:55,720
We go down there,
we give up our entire weekend,
226
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,090
we eat terrible
catered food,
227
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,800
and they have,
like, 300 guests coming.
228
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,970
We'll see them
for maybe 10 seconds.
229
00:10:01,010 --> 00:10:02,220
Somehow,
I always end up
230
00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:03,180
in the middle of
a cluster of cousins
231
00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,890
during theYMCAdance.
232
00:10:05,930 --> 00:10:07,890
Well, that's just because
you do it so well.
233
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,350
I know.
234
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:14,440
I mean, remember
Tedi and David's wedding?
We never saw them.
235
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,150
They would have never known
that we were even there.
236
00:10:19,030 --> 00:10:22,330
OK. I just--
I just had a thought.
237
00:10:22,370 --> 00:10:23,660
What?
238
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:27,500
300 guests.
We'll--We'll never
even see them.
239
00:10:27,540 --> 00:10:30,830
We should just
not go and say we went.
240
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,920
What? We can't do that.
241
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,840
I'm not sure we can't.
242
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,010
But it--
Isn't it illegal?
243
00:10:38,050 --> 00:10:39,260
No. Not at all.
You just said
244
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:41,340
we'll see them
for 10 seconds, maybe.
245
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,890
Who's to say
we weren't there?
We could do this.
246
00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:45,850
Do we dare?
247
00:10:45,890 --> 00:10:47,100
Yes...
248
00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:48,180
And then,
a week from now,
we call them,
249
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,520
and we say
we had a good time,
250
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,060
and how great she looked,
and that we're sorry
251
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,440
we couldn't spend
more time with them.
252
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,820
Mr. Heffernan,
you just might
be on to something.
253
00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:58,400
So, you in?
254
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,200
I don't know.
I'm scared.
255
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,740
Yes. Yes. OK.
There you go!
256
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:04,120
This is one
of the greatest
ideas I ever had...
257
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:05,330
And I thought
of Double Stuf Oreos
258
00:11:05,370 --> 00:11:07,580
way before
it was realized.
259
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,960
OK. RSVP "Yes",
260
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,210
and we will have
the chicken.
261
00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:17,760
Wait. What--What's
the other choice?
262
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:18,760
Steak.
You know what?
263
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,430
Mark me down
for that.
264
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:23,470
We're not going.
What's the difference?
265
00:11:23,510 --> 00:11:25,100
Such a red flag.
They look at it and go,
266
00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:26,560
"What? Doug's
not having the steak?
267
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,140
What the heck's
going on here?
268
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:30,640
Are they
pretending to come?"
269
00:11:31,940 --> 00:11:33,810
OK. I don't think
they'd jump to that,
270
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,150
but all right.
Steak it is.
271
00:11:35,190 --> 00:11:36,860
You know what? I will go
for the steak, too.
272
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,740
All right.
OK.
273
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,820
We're doing this.
274
00:11:40,860 --> 00:11:43,030
OK. I'm doing this.
275
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,910
This is living.
I did it. OK...
276
00:11:45,950 --> 00:11:48,240
And we are
officially saying
277
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:52,040
we are going to a wedding
and not going.
278
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,630
Make love to me.
279
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,560
The place cards.
280
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,270
Doug. Wake up.
I just thought
of something.
281
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,350
What?
The wedding.
282
00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:14,020
If we don't show up,
Lisa and Guy will see
283
00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:15,480
that our place cards
weren't picked up.
284
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,860
They'll know
we weren't there.
285
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,070
So that's all we really
need you to do.
286
00:12:21,110 --> 00:12:22,990
Just, you know,
pick up our place cards.
287
00:12:23,030 --> 00:12:25,450
And then push the food
around on our plates
so it looked like we ate.
288
00:12:25,490 --> 00:12:27,030
Yeah. Basically
just keep us alive.
289
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,330
DOUG: And as a bonus,
if--if you actually
290
00:12:29,370 --> 00:12:30,500
want anything
from our plates,
291
00:12:30,540 --> 00:12:31,620
like, if you want
a second steak
292
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:35,080
or some more potatoes,
go to town.
293
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,840
Is that all?
294
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:37,880
Well, you know what?
Hey, actually,
295
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,250
at some point
during the night,
296
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,840
I want you to go to the bar,
pick up 2 drinks,
297
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,470
then walk by Guy
and go, "What's up, man?
298
00:12:42,510 --> 00:12:44,510
Where's Doug?
I got his drink? Hey."
299
00:12:44,550 --> 00:12:47,720
Do you understand
that we don't want
to go to Maryland, either?
300
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,930
Hey. Let's--Let's
jump on their plan.
301
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,020
I mean, we could just
pretend to go, too.
302
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:53,600
Oh. No, no, no.
You can't.
No way. No way.
303
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,480
There's no way
4 people can
"fake" be there.
304
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,400
No. No. It's way
too obvious.
305
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,650
Besides, I thought
of it first.
306
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,190
What do you mean,
you thought of it first?
307
00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:02,530
You didn't invent the idea
of pretending to be somewhere
308
00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:04,110
when you're not really there.
309
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,860
Yes, I did.
310
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,780
Well, too bad.
If we have to go,
we're not gonna help.
311
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:13,370
Please, Kel? Please?
I'm begging you.
Help us out here.
312
00:13:13,410 --> 00:13:16,420
[SIGHS]
Oh, all right.
313
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:17,580
What?
314
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,710
We're going anyway.
315
00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:20,710
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
316
00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:22,050
And one other thing...
317
00:13:22,090 --> 00:13:23,470
If you wouldn't mind
giving them this,
318
00:13:23,510 --> 00:13:25,590
we'd really
appreciate it.
319
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:28,720
Thanks so much.
Really.
320
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,680
DOUG:
Hey, this is Doug.
321
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,060
CARRIE:
And this is Carrie.
322
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,430
We can't come
to the phone right now
323
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,270
'cause we're in Maryland.
324
00:13:36,310 --> 00:13:41,230
We're back on Sunday,
but you know what to do.
325
00:13:41,270 --> 00:13:42,480
Do it after the beep.
326
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,190
Good, 'cause
we're in Maryland.
327
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,320
[BEEPS]
328
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,740
I think they got
the point. Yeah.
329
00:13:47,780 --> 00:13:48,910
How sweet is this?
Yeah.
330
00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:50,450
We would have
been driving for 5 hours,
331
00:13:50,490 --> 00:13:54,330
and instead,
I'm parking my heiny
on the living room couch.
332
00:13:54,370 --> 00:13:55,960
It's pretty sweet,
isn't it?
333
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,920
We got the whole weekend
ahead of us.
334
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,300
Oh, yeah.
Relax-e-a-she-on.
335
00:14:04,050 --> 00:14:06,090
[DOORBELL RINGS]
336
00:14:06,130 --> 00:14:07,090
Who's that?
337
00:14:07,130 --> 00:14:08,390
I--I don't know.
338
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,060
Hi.
Hey.
339
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:16,980
Guess what?
My kid has 103 fever.
340
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:18,310
What?
341
00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:19,730
Yeah. So it turns out
342
00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:21,730
Kelly and I can't go
to the wedding.
343
00:14:21,770 --> 00:14:23,780
I just called Lisa and Guy
in Maryland and canceled.
344
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:26,610
They were disappointed,
but they totally understood.
345
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:29,320
Who's gonna
keep us alive?
346
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,620
Mmm. Not sure, so, um...
347
00:14:31,660 --> 00:14:34,450
let me give
you this back,
348
00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:36,830
and since I guess
you'll have to go,
349
00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:38,210
if you wouldn't mind, uh...
350
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:40,960
drop off Kelly
and my gift, would ya?
351
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,250
But we had
an arrangement.
352
00:14:43,290 --> 00:14:44,210
A very sick kid. Sorry.
353
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:45,710
I actually
should get back to him.
354
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,300
We're supposed
to bathe him in cold water,
355
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:50,010
so...see ya!
356
00:14:51,930 --> 00:14:53,640
So that's all
we were wondering.
357
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,970
If you could just make it
look like we were there.
358
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:58,140
You know, pick up
our place cards,
359
00:14:58,180 --> 00:15:00,020
dump some food
off our plates...
360
00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:01,600
Yeah, and, uh,
if you could just,
361
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:05,440
uh, you know,
give them this here.
All right?
362
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,940
Oh, and, uh...
363
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:10,910
Just this right there.
That'd be great.
Thanks. Yeah.
364
00:15:10,950 --> 00:15:13,660
So you want us
to lie to Lisa and Guy
365
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:15,580
and make it look
like you're there?
366
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:18,200
Yeah. So,
what do you think?
367
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,460
To be honest,
I think that's awful.
368
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:24,460
I'd be very uncomfortable
doing that.
369
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:26,880
I was gonna say
the same thing.
370
00:15:28,090 --> 00:15:31,050
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
371
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,930
So what else
is goin' on?
372
00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:40,730
[PIANO PLAYING]
373
00:15:40,770 --> 00:15:42,690
So, Scotty runs
the store with me,
374
00:15:42,730 --> 00:15:45,730
and at night, he takes
classes at St. John's.
375
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:47,230
He's getting
his business degree.
376
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,610
Yeah. When I'm done,
we're gonna see
377
00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:50,110
if we can turn our place
into a chain.
378
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,740
Maybe open up some franchises
around Long Island.
379
00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:54,660
Quite a boy, huh?
380
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:57,950
Yeah. Quite a boy.
381
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,790
So, Spence,
what do you do?
382
00:16:00,830 --> 00:16:02,870
He owns the subway.
383
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,540
I work in the subway.
384
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:06,500
I--I sell
tokens and maps,
385
00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:07,960
the occasional
Metrocard.
386
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,670
And would it kill you
to go to school at night?
387
00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:11,470
I don't want
to go to school.
388
00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:16,050
Yeah? Well,
there's a new thing out
called "ambition." Get some.
389
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,680
Fruit of my loins.
Emphasis on fruit.
390
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,230
Hey, leave me alone,
will you?
391
00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:22,770
I'll leave you alone
when you take
392
00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:24,980
a little responsibility
for your life! Be a man!
393
00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:26,060
Shut up!
Just shut up!
394
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,150
The mouth he gets
from his mother.
395
00:16:27,190 --> 00:16:29,690
Hey! Leave my mother
out of this.
396
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:32,240
Uh, I think I'll go
check on our table.
397
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,780
Actually, uh,
I'll go with you, Dad.
398
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:39,040
Yeah. Uh, look,
I think I'm gonna
get going.
399
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,120
What are you talking about?
400
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,410
We're gonna have
a delicious dinner.
401
00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:44,500
Yeah. Well, I'm just not
very hungry. Good-bye.
402
00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:45,920
Yeah. Go ahead.
Run away,
403
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,250
but there are
a million boys like
Scott out there,
404
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,000
and you can't run away
from all of them!
405
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,670
What the hell
is going on?
406
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,090
Why are you being
so mean to me?
407
00:16:52,130 --> 00:16:54,340
Have I said one thing
that isn't true?
408
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:57,680
Look at yourself.
You're 34 years old,
and you've gone nowhere!
409
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,810
You work underground
like a ferret!
410
00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:02,020
Yeah. OK. You know what?
Fine. You're right,
411
00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:03,940
but just once
during this entire time
412
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:05,940
that you've been
pretending to be my father
413
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:08,940
would it have killed you
just once to say, uh,
414
00:17:08,980 --> 00:17:10,730
"You're--You're
a good boy, Spence,"
415
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:12,530
Or "I'm proud of you,
Spence"?
416
00:17:12,570 --> 00:17:16,820
"I love you, Spence."
Would that have killed you?
417
00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:22,040
Oh, God.
What have I done?
418
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,300
It's gonna be OK, boy.
419
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,890
No! You can't say
I called you with this.
420
00:17:38,930 --> 00:17:40,510
Who's that?
421
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,470
The band leader
for the wedding.
422
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,980
OK. What I'm
asking you to say
423
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:49,110
is "Doug and Carrie
just requested
this song."
424
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,490
No! Honey,
you have to say
that Ijustdid it.
425
00:17:54,530 --> 00:17:57,660
OK. You know what?
Never mind. You--OK.
Thank you. Bye.
426
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:59,660
Uh, no help,
this guy over here.
427
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,200
Jeez. What is up
with people?
428
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,790
Well, the wedding's
in 2 hours.
429
00:18:04,830 --> 00:18:07,040
I'd say we're
pretty much screwed.
430
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,830
Yeah. It's,
uh, it's over.
431
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,000
You know
what I wonder?
432
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,630
What's that moment
gonna be when--
433
00:18:12,670 --> 00:18:15,130
when they
finally realize
we didn't show up?
434
00:18:15,170 --> 00:18:16,760
How's it gonna
come out?
435
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,550
Will the gay couple
tell 'em?
436
00:18:20,010 --> 00:18:23,640
The band leader?
Our accountant?
437
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,520
Here's how
it's gonna happen...
438
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,520
Guy and Lisa are gonna
come to our table
439
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,060
to thank us for sharing
their special day,
440
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:32,860
and all they're gonna find
are 2 uneaten steaks
441
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:35,610
and a dirty little secret.
442
00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:41,620
How we doing on time?
443
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:43,200
We're still
3 hours away.
444
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,450
Damn! Well, drive faster.
Maybe we can make it there
445
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,960
before they bring out
the frickin' cake.
446
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,710
Ooh. Bear left.
We need the 95 south.
447
00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:52,090
OK.
[CLEARS THROAT]
448
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:55,420
Hand me
the Snapple bottle.
I gotta pee.
449
00:19:20,610 --> 00:19:23,280
There they are! Hurry up!
I can see them!
They're leaving!
450
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,580
I can't run
in these heels!
451
00:19:25,620 --> 00:19:26,660
Why are you
wearing heels?
452
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:27,830
It's a wedding.
453
00:19:27,870 --> 00:19:30,000
Aah!
454
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,250
CARRIE: Lisa! Guy!
We're here!
455
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,880
Hey! Doug here!
The steak was delicious!
456
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,590
We're here! We're here!
457
00:19:39,630 --> 00:19:40,590
Hey! We're here!
458
00:19:40,630 --> 00:19:41,590
Excuse me! Excuse me!
459
00:19:41,630 --> 00:19:43,090
Whoo! Hey!
460
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,970
Oh. They're gone.
We missed 'em.
461
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,430
They probably
couldn't see us
462
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:50,100
through all
the frickin'
bubbles.
463
00:19:50,140 --> 00:19:51,980
OK. There's no way
we drove all the way
to Maryland
464
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:53,690
and we're not
getting credit
for it.
465
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,320
Come on. Come on.
Here. Take 'em.
466
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,620
I--I'm sorry. This
is groom's family only.
467
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:09,120
That's right. I'm, uh,
I'm his, uh, step-nephew.
468
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,660
All right. Hey.
469
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,290
Groom's family only,
please.
470
00:20:12,330 --> 00:20:16,590
All right. All right.
Fine. Sorry. Sorry.
471
00:20:16,630 --> 00:20:19,300
Excuse me. Sorry.
472
00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:21,760
OK. Everybody say,
"Wedded bliss."
473
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,300
ALL: Wedded bliss.
474
00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:30,020
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Groom's family only.
475
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:39,030
* People, let me tell you'bout my best friend *
476
00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:40,900
* He's a warm-heartedperson *
477
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,360
* Who'll love metill the end-a *
478
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:47,450
* People, let me tell you'bout my best friend *
479
00:20:47,490 --> 00:20:49,450
* He's a one-boycuddly toy *
480
00:20:49,490 --> 00:20:51,500
* My up, my down,my pride and joy *
481
00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:53,580
* People, let metell you 'bout him *
482
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,540
* He's so much fun *
483
00:20:55,580 --> 00:20:57,210
* Whether we'retalkin' man to man *
484
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,500
* Or whether we'retalkin' son to son *
485
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:02,970
* 'Cause he'smy best friend *
486
00:21:03,010 --> 00:21:07,180
* Yeah, he's my bestfriend, la la *
487
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:10,470
[**]
36017
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.