All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2000) - S02E18 - The Shmenkmans_track3_[eng]

DOUG:Okay, two pieces left.

Two pieces left.

Oh, boy, one piece left.

Okay, let's do the math.

I'm on my third, he's had two,
and this is her second.

Okay, she's out of the game,
she's a two-slicer.

It's between me
and the old man.

Technically, he is entitled
to it, but I should be okay.

After all,
I am the only one counting.

ARTHUR:Three slices
and he's eyeing his fourth.

No wonder he's huge.

Well, that one's
got my name on it, big man.

DOUG:Oh, God, he made eye
contact with the slice.

I gotta throw this one down
and grab it.

ARTHUR:Oh, so that's
your game, is it?

CARRIE:Oh, God,
they're racing for
the last piece again.

I'm pretty full,
but let's have some fun.

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sitting here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

CARRIE: God, that restaurant
was good, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was. I hate when those
waiters come around,

they ask if you want
fresh ground pepper.

I always choke, you know?
It's like, "I can't decide
with you standing over me."

-Yeah. Why can't they just leave
the pepper mill on the table?
-Exactly.

-They carry it around
like it's gold.
-I know. I know.

It's pepper, you know?
It's like dirt.

-Yeah.
-Carrie, your place is great.

Oh, yeah. You might recognize
the furniture from a little shop
called IKEA.

-Ah, yes.
-Yes.

Here you go.
Here's that article you wanted.

Oh, fabulous. Thank you.

You're welcome. And also
There's a great review

of a new steak house
that just opened up
on Northern Boulevard.

Apparently, they fly their
steaks in from Chicago.

Yeah. Any interest
in going Saturday night?

Hey, anytime meat
is flown to me,

you caught my attention.

Sounds good. Abby?

Yeah. I'll check our book,

but I'm 75% sure
we can do it.

Okay, great.

All right. This is great.

It's great seeing you.
We had a lot of fun.

-Good night.
-All right, take it easy, now.

Okay.

Marc and Abby.

You see? I told you
you'd like 'em.

You're right.
I'm sorry I fought you.

It's just that
you met Abby at yoga class.

Sounded pretty weak.

Yeah, I know, but we were both
mocking the instructor.

I had a good feeling.

It worked out great.
I mean,

I like Marc,
you like Abby.

I even like Abby,
you like Marc.

There's crossover appeal.
That never happens.

What are you doing?
We just had dinner.

Just a late-night
once-over.

Oh, look at that.

New package
of American cheese slices.

Not taking any.
Just good to know.

It's also good to know
that I will be taking a pudding.

You know what I like
about Marc and Abby?

No kids.

-Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
-Yeah.

I mean, Deacon and Kelly
are great,

but it's always like,
oh, they can't get a sitter,

this one has an earache,

that one swallowed
a marble,

blah blah blah.

Very annoying.

But Marc and Abby?
No strings.

You know what they are?

They are our new
go-to couple.

Yeah. It's like we can
call them up on a whim

and boom!
We're on a Learjet

to Monte Carlo
with the Shmenkmans.

Honey, their name
is not Shmenkman.

It's Shropshire.

Shropshire?

Shropshire.

Too hard. I'm stickin'
with Shmenkman.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hey, Kel.
What's goin' on?

Oh, all right.
Hold on a sec.

Deacon and Kelly wanna
go out Saturday night.

They got a sitter.

We got the Shmenkmans
on Saturday.

Is that definite?

Well, they said 75%.

Hit the mute.

Okay.

Hit it.

I don't know where it is.

There. Okay.

I'm gonna test it.

[RASPBERRY]

-It works.
-All right. All right.

So what about Saturday night?
What are we gonna do?

Marc and Abby
gave us 75%,

but if that
falls through

and we say no
to Deac and Kelly,

then we got nothing.

All right,
so what do we do?

All right. We gotta hold
Deacon and Kelly until we know.

Tell 'em we're 75% sure
we can do it.

Carrie, the Shmenkmans
gave us 75%.

We only have 25% to give.

Well, we're not gonna
hold Deac and Kelly with 25%.

Cheat it.
Bump it up to 50.

Kel?

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I...saw a bird.

Uh, anyway,
about Saturday night,

um, we're 35% sure
we can make it.

Hmm?

Okay. Would it help
if I said 40?

Okay, then we'll do it
some other time, then.

Would you please
give them 50?

Huh?

Oh. Okay, hold on a second.
How about Sunday brunch?

Oh, yeah, there you go.
We'll do it here.

Okay. Yeah, that sounds great,
and we'll do it over here.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, no. No,
bring 'em along. That's fine.

Yeah, okay, mm-hmm.
Okay, bye.

They're bringing
the kids.

What was I gonna say?

Hang on to your hats,
people.

I got news.

I was over
at that newsstand

that has papers from
all around the country,

and I grabbed myself
anAkron Beacon.

Take a gander at this.

What am I supposed
to be reacting to?

It's a coupon
for Sergeant Salty's

Deep Sea Corn Loops.

And should I be happy
or...sad?

Happy. It's the greatest
breakfast cereal known to man.

When I was a boy,
I'd pour myself

a big bowl every morning

and listen to
The Sergeant Saltyradio hour,

where I'd be regaled
with the adventures

of Sergeant Salty

and his trusty sidekick
Bugle Dog.

Well, I'm glad
you found it, Dad.

Yeah.

I thought they'd
stopped making it

when it came out
that Sergeant Salty

kept a small Chinese woman
locked in his basement.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hey, Abby.

Oh, you can't make Saturday?
That's too bad.

What's that?

Uh, just hang on one second.

Yeah.

Nowtheywant Sunday brunch.

Well, this is a fine mess.

We gotta call
Deac and Kelly

and try to get
Saturday night back.

And say what?
Our better offer canceled?

That's like
a slap in the face.

You know what?

Let's just all have
Sunday brunch.

-Good. Do that.
-CARRIE: Okay.

Abby?

Yeah, Sunday is great.

Yeah, we'll do it here
at my house.

Some other friends of ours
are gonna join us.

Is that cool?

Okay, great. We'll see you
Sunday at 11:00.

All right. Bye, sweetie.

Well, that worked out.

Man, people are
really into us.

He's one of those guys
who leaves incredibly long
messages on the machine.

And I come home,
I gotta go to the bathroom,

I hit the button,
it's like, "Aaay...

guy...

it's Bob!"

How you doin'?

Gimme a call back.
I'm at..."

[SPEAKING FAST]

[LAUGHTER]

[BABY CRIES]

Oh.

Oh, your baby is
so adorable.

-Both your kids.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Actually, Marc and I have
been talking about

whether it's time to have one
of these little guys ourselves.

KELLY: Oh, really? Wow.
You should do it.

We think we might.

Really? So soon?

You guys have only
been married 2 years.

Haven't had time
to enjoy each other yet.

It's true.
Kids really do take over.

I mean, we haven't seen
a movie in a theater

in probably
6 months.

We have no life.

We're at the movies
literally every night.

On the other hand,
there's something about it.

It's like all my
priorities changed

the day we found out
we were having Kirby.

And when they smile at you
and call you "Daddy",

I'll tell you what,
it's the best.

Oh, Marc!

I know.
Maybe it's time.

You know, having a baby
really does ruin your
body, though, Abby.

It...

It never comes back.

Except for you.

Thanks.

Can I hold him?

Oh, sure.

Watch out, Abby.
That one's a drooler.

Hey there.
Oh, look, Marc.

Hey there.

-Hello.
-Hi.

I have
very small feet.

Hey, Marc, what's the deal
with capers, huh?

I don't know.

Okay, here's our home phone,

my work phone,
Marc's work phone,

our e-mail, which is always
the best way to reach us,

-and cell phone.
-Oh, great. Thanks.

All right, guys.

Thanks a lot.

Sure. You're welcome.

See you tomorrow.

All right. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Wow. Work phone,
home phone,

cell phone, e-mail.

Yeah, they really don't
wanna lose touch, do they?

It's good, though.
Now our friends

are friends with each
other.

Yeah. It's nice when you can
make that happen.

Yeah, absolutely.

Son of a bitch.
They stole the Shmenkmans.

Arthur, got a package
for ya!

It's my deep-sea
corn loops.

Sweet diggity!

[RIPPING CARDBOARD]

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
You gotta sign here first.
-Oh, I see.

So, that's how you're
gonna play it, huh?

I'm not playing anything.
You gotta sign it.
That's our policy.

Well, you must think
I'm a damn fool.

I sign your fancy
electric doodad,

and you got me.

I'm in
your computer,

I'm on your list,

and pretty soon,
you know what videos I rent,

and I'm considered
a pervert.

I'm begging you.

All right.

-There you go.
-All right. Thanks.

"Schmarther Schmooner."

Okay. You beat the system.

Douglas, get some milk

and prepare to be delighted.

Oh. Okay.

Gotta use your hands, huh?

You know,
you can tilt the box.

That's the way
most people go.

Well, I'm not
most people.

Mmm.

Ohh!

This is
taking me back.

-Give it a try.
-All right. All right.

They're salty.

And what part of
"Sergeant Salty"

didn't you understand?

I understand
what "salty" means.

It's just not a great quality
in a cereal.

These were beloved
by millions.

I don't care.

Cereal shouldn't
taste like a Slim Jim.

Sweet diggity.

Are you ignorant?

-Hey, hon.
-Hey.

Mmm.

What's in the box?

A life supply
of stinky loops.

Good, good.

So, listen, I just
got off the phone with Kelly,

and it's official:

she and Deacon are going out
with the Shmenkmans.

-Really?
-Yup. Dinner.

This Saturday night.

Ain't that
a kick in the chops?

I knew we shouldn't
have let them
leave together after the brunch.

We should've kept
one couple here.

You're so right.

We had them.
We had them right here.

What happened?

I'm sure your burping

in the middle of brunch
didn't help matters.

Whoa.

What just happened here?

Are you blaming this on me?

No. I'm just saying
it might be possible

that not everyone enjoys
a sausagey burp

as much as I do...

which, P.S.,
is not that much.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
And you telling them about

your deviated septum surgery
for 40 minutes,

that's really what
won 'em over.

-They asked.
-Yes.

But you know what?
Here's a nice little phrase

you might wanna learn
in the future:

it's called
"Long story short."

Okay. And here's one
for you:

"No, thanks.
I'm full."

Wow.

Honey, I'm sorry.

We shouldn't be turning
on each other.

You're right. This is just
such a rough one.

I mean, now we've
lost the Shmenkmans

and Deacon and Kelly.

I mean, Deacon and Kelly,
they were solid, you know?

I mean, they weren't flashy,
but they got the job done.

Hang on. We haven't
really lost anyone.

I mean, they're just
going out to dinner.

Carrie,
that's where it starts.

First they're going
to dinner together,

then they're going
to the movies,

then they're going
on vacation together,

and the next thing you know,
we're watching their slides

from Disney World
and dying inside.

Well, you know what?
The Shmenkmans, they're fine.

But, you know,
they're not that great.

I guess not.

And there are plenty
of other couples

-we can go out with.
-That's true. That is so true.

I mean, couples
are a dime a dozen.

You can't spit without hitting
a couple in this town.

Absolutely right.

So who you got?

Okay, let me think.
Let me think...

What about--
oh, no, they're dead.

I know!
That is so true.

Is Japanese okay?

Oh, yeah. There's
a great place over on 58th.

Maybe I'll get udon.

Ooh.

Kim, right?
Kim...Milner?

Right.

Accounting.
You just started?

Yeah. And you're,
uh...

Carrie Heffernan.
I'm Grossman's secretary.

Oh, you know, I thought
I recognized you,

and I was right,
I did. Hi!

Hi.

-Gary Milner. How are ya?
-Hi, Gary.

Would you guys like
to go out tonight?

I can't wait
to see this.

I hear Kevin Spacey
is amazing.

Oh, he's always great.

Oh, the man's
a national treasure.

Red Hot, anyone?

Oh, yeah, all right.

Oh, great.
Here you go.

Whoa! Spicy.

Speakin' of spices,
how about pepper, huh?

You know when you go
to a restaurant

and the waiter
comes around

and asks if you want
fresh ground pepper?

I can never decide.

Oh, yeah.
That's kinda true.

And they do that with
the parmesan cheese, too.

Yes, yes, they do.
Sometimes.

He's good.
I can work with him.

So, you guys thinking
about having kids?

What?

You know, babies...

offspring?

We're brother
and sister.

Hello, darlings.

It's Saturday night.

Aren't you
going out?

No. We don't have any plans.

Deacon and Kelly
couldn't get a sitter?

Actually, they did.

They're just out
with someone else.

What about that other
lovely couple
you had over for brunch?

They seemed like
a lot of fun.

Pack it down, okay?
The lady said
we had no plans.

Okay! Okay!

Cool your jets,
Eddie!

You know, Dad,
if you don't like
those salty corn loops,

you don't have to eat
all hundred boxes.

Has he been
talkin' to you?

Have you been
bad-mouthing my cereal?

Yes. It's all
I talk about.

Well, I love
this cereal. I love it.

You may not because
you're an angry man,

but I love it.

Okay. God bless. Enjoy.

Oh, who am I kidding?
It's disgusting.

Besides which...

I'm so very
thirsty.

You know what?

Maybe we would feel better

if we just got out
of the house.

All right, yeah.
What do you wanna do?

I don't know. You wanna try out
that new steak house?

Do I wanna?

You plus beef
equals fun.

DOUG: Whoa, this place is nice.

You're right. The sweats
wouldn't have worked.

-Table for 2?
-Yeah.

-This way.
-Thanks.

-Oh, no.
-What?

They're here.

They took
myrecommendation,

and they used it
behind our backs.

Can you believe that?

What do we do?
Let's get out of here.

Hey!

Hey, man! Hey!

-Hi, you guys!
-Ohh!

What's going on,
you guys?

We just came by
for some steak.

And possibly
a bloomin' onion.

Yeah. We stole your little tip
on this place. Sorry.

Hey, where's a cop,
right?

You want to join us?
We could squeeze in.

No, no. You guys
already have your food.

-No, don't be silly!
-You know what?

We're having a little
romantic celebration, anyway.

It's Doug's...
half-birthday.

So you guys enjoy, okay?

-Okay.
-All right, man.

*Uncomfortable*

*I know*

Maybe we should
sit down with them.

-No.
-Carrie, they asked us
to sit down.

Yeah, it was
a pity-ask, okay?

They don't really
wanna sit with us.

-Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha!

Do you hear that?

Every laugh
is another inside joke
we're not a part of.

-I think we should
go back in there.
-You think so?

Yes! Let's go over
to the table,

kick it up a notch,
and show them

we're the fun,
great couple we know we are.

And we are, damn it.

We're the Heffernans!

We've got...

Heffer-vescence.

Let's go.

Hey, changed our minds.
Decided to join you.

And we come
bearing bread.

-We'll scooch over.
-Okay, great.

Thank you.

So, wassup, meat-eaters?

Oh!

This is like a Sunday
brunch reunion, right?

-Ha ha!
-Yeah, right.

-Ready to order?
-Yeah, I believe we are.

You know what, we'll start off
with a bottle of wine

for the table, on us.

-Thanks, guys.
-Red? White?

I don't care if a wine is red,
white or purple,

as long as it gets us loopy.

Whoa! What's up, guy?

Ma'am?

I'm gonna have
the salmon.

Whoa! Fish
in a steak house.

What is she, a witch?
Get her!

I think she is.
Witchy!

Hey, the Porterhouse
is really good, man.

Is it, really?
Okay, then Porterhouse it is.

Actually, Porterhouse
sounds like a lot.

How about a Porter-hut?

-Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha!

Thank you very much.

-All right.
-Okay.

So, what is going on
over here, huh?

Heard a lot
of laughing.

Abby?

Actually, I was just
telling these guys

that Marc and I
have definitely decided

to have a baby.

Oh! That's great.

Yeah! Way to go,
you two!

You wanna hear
something weird?

Uh, Carrie and I have
decided to have one, too.

ABBY: Really?

Yup! Yup! Race ya!

-Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha!

You know they're gonna
start expecting me
to grow a big belly.

Unless I happen to have
a very low sperm count.

-Yes, yes.
-There you go.

Of course, once we don't
have a baby, and they do,

we're back to square one,
friend-wise.

Who cares?

Friends just
keep you away from TV.

Oh, look.
Someone's car broke down.

Should we pull over
and help 'em out?

Yeah. They look nice.

Actually,
they lookverynice.

Young couple...

about our age...

Well-dressed...

Miata, 2-seater,
means no kids.

Let's make some friends.

So you guys like
rock, jazz?

Hey, hey, we just went to this
great steak house tonight.

-We should all go sometime.
Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, uh, there's a gas station
right up there.

That one? You don't want
their gas. It makes
your engine knock.

I'll take you
to my place.

Hey, when we go
to that steak house,

you gotta watch out for the guy
with the big pepper mill,
you know?

Hey, what's the deal
with those anyway?
What's up with that?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]