All language subtitles for The King of Queens (1999) - S02E06 - Doug Out_track3_[eng]

I get so sad when my food's
coming to an end.

I know you do, honey.

Then you start first seeing
the bottom of the container,

and you,
you know it's almost over.

Hey, what you got there?

The one you brought in for me.

Ah-ha.

-Do you want it?
-No, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

Then don't.

[MUMBLES]

Mmm.

I'm gettin' sad again.

MALE SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sitting here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

Where'd you
get that shirt?

This? It's velour.

It's nice.

My mother's got a toilet
seat cover like that.

DOUG: What's up, boys?

Slide it on over.

Do me a favor--
make a little room

for the I.P.S. Driver
of the Month.

SPENCE:
Oh, nice work, man.

Number one on-time record,
number one delivery record,

and the fewest
lost packages.

Driver...

of the Month.

I put a fire out
at a nursery school.

Oh, that's good.
Listen, could

we get a pitcher
of beer over here?

Anything you want tonight,
boys. I'm buyin'.

So what do you
get for this,

a trophy with
a little truck on top?

DEACON:
Hey, for your information,

they gave my man 4 Mets
tickets in the I.P.S. box

for this Saturday...
front row.

4 seats, 4 of us,
we're there!

Hey, let's
get there early.

You know what?
We should sleep at Doug's.

Actually, Carrie's
already called dibs

on one of the tickets.

And I know I get one.

-Why do you get one?
-'Cause I punched him in

6 times when he was late,

hence his perfect
on-time record.

Well, who
gets the fourth ticket?

I don't know. I guess
you guys gotta decide

-among yourselves.
-Here you go.

Doug, your wife's
on the phone.

Oh, thanks.

How do we decide who
gets the extra ticket?

I don't know. Deac,
what do you think is fair?

Don't care.
I already got my ticket.

Hey, we could
measure somethin'.

You know, like the length
of somethin'.

All right.

Or maybe
there's another way.

-What's up?
-Carrie's gonna be

at her office late.
I gotta go pick up Arthur

from work.

Basically what I'm sayin'
is pay for your own food.

Well, looks like
we're gonna be here for a while.

Yup.

You hungry?

-Yeah, you got some food?
-No, just making conversation.

Come on, man,
this traffic is brutal.

Well, on the bright side,

it gives us a chance
to talk.

Hey,

have you ever heard the story
about my foot surgery?

Uh...

yes?

It didn't take place
in a hospital proper,

but I'm gettin' ahead
of myself.

Let me first tell ya
about the accident.

So if I didn't sell at least
200 canned hams a week,

I didn't see a dime!

And that little baby

grew up to be
Miss Rosemary Clooney.

Douglas, let me tell you
how the Vietnam War

could have been avoided
with a simple phone call.

Imagine the possibilities,
Douglas.

You can sleep in it
at night

and eat it
in the morning.

And I guess the lesson
I learned from that was,

farm equipment
is serious business.

Well, here we are,
home again.

-Home again.
-Yup.

It only took
an hour and a half.

Yes, but in a way,
it was a blessing in disguise.

We had some wonderful
bonding time.

You're a good egg,
Douglas.

Oh,

and I will get you
that literature I promised you.

Great. I look forward
to it.

-[DOOR CLOSES]
-Oh, my God...

-[DAVID LETTERMAN SPEAKING
ON TV INDISTINCTLY]
-[LAUGHING]

-Hey, I'm home.
-Hey!

What are you
watchin'?

Letterman,top 10.

-Huh?
-Top 10 list.

What is it tonight?

Top 10 sign...

-Top 10 what?
-Well, hold on!

Carrie,
I'm listening!

Just tell me the topic!

Carrie, could you--
Ah! I missed it!

-Sorry.
-That's all right.

Hey, thanks
for pickin' up Dad

from work tonight.
Did it go okay?

Okay? Ha ha!

Let me tell you somethin'.
I love your dad,

but bein' trapped in the car
with him for 2 hours--

not even close to OK.

I mean, he just kept
goin' on and on

about every little
stupid thing.

And I'll tell ya
another thing--

I'd really like
to set up a meeting

between your father
and a Tic Tac.

Hot ziggety!

Whoo!

God, it was brutal.
It was like bein' trapped

in the car with a demented
old circus monkey.

Anyway, why are you late
from work again?

It's like the third time
this week.

You should
just tell your--

-Hey, Arthur.
-Douglas.

Where were you?

In the garage,
getting a beer.

-What's the matter?
-Carrie, my God.

I thought you were in there,

and I started goin' off
about your father,

and he came up,
and I don't know if he heard me.

Well, what did you say?

I think I called him
a demented old circus monkey.

A demented
old circus monkey?

I know it's hurtful.
That's the point.

But why did you say it?

You know he's always coming in
and out of doors.

He's been down there
for 4 hours.

I saw him take his pills.

It looked like enough
to put a rhino down.

Well, how did he act
when you walked in?

Did he act
like he heard you?

I don't know.
He just said, "Douglas."

Oh, I just wanted to come home
and have a beer and relax.

I know, just for a moment,

let's assume that he did hear
"demented old circus monkey."

How bad does that
actually sound?

Well, it
doesn't sound good.

Wait a second now. "Circus"--

fun for the whole family, right?

And "monkey"--I think
of the tricycle, mug of beer.

It's very cute.

What about demented?

That could bite me
in the ass, yeah.

Hey, there he is--
my man Artie.

Hey, the art man.

Art of the deal.

Hello, Douglas.

How ya doin'?

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Love this guy.
Rawrr!

Uh, you know, uh,

yesterday, right after
we got caught in traffic,

I was a little, uh,
v-v-v-p, little crazy, you know?

I was just sayin' stuff,

but I was thinkin'
later on,

that that time we spent
in the car together,

that was kind of special,
you know,

'cause you were just so--
you were...

you,you know?

I am me, yes.

Hey, Stanley,

you demented
old circus monkey, you!

Who's a demented
old circus monkey?

You are, yes, you are,
'cause you're so good

and fun to be around.

Yeah.

Hey, honey.
Hi, Dad.

Hey, Carrie, you
demented old circus monkey!

What?

It's just my new thing
I call everyone I love,

you know?

It's my catch phrase,
startin' yesterday.

I'm off to work.

See you tonight.

All right, I want you
to take it easy now,

you demented old
circus monkey!

That was subtle.

I know. I was tryin'.

He wouldn't give me
anything, you know?

He didn't seem that angry, but
he wasn't all that nice, either.

He was just kind of there,
like a cat.

Doug, listen to me.

You need to either
apologize to him,

or let this thing go,

because you're really
starting to annoy me.

I just need to know
if he heard.

Okay, I got it.

You and I, we're
gonna do a reenactment.

-A reenactment?
-Yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna be me.
You're gonna be him,

and I'm gonna repeat
what I said, exactly

the way I said it,

and then we'll find out whether
he heard once and for all.

Okay, what can I do
to make this not happen?

We need everything
to be exactly the same way.

This pass-way, this
was open right here, okay?

And the TV was on.

It was definitely on.

Okay...

How loud did I say it,
though, you know?

Demented old circus monkey.

It'd be like drivin'
around with a...

[LOUDER]
demented old circus monkey!

[SLIGHTLY QUIETER] Like
a demented old circus monkey.

Yeah, that was the one--
the third one, right there.

Are you sure
you're in the right key?

Now, come on,
you're Arthur,

and you're comin' up
out of the basement.

-Oy!
-Would you just work with me?

-Please? Okay.
-Fine!

You need me to say
something like, "action,"

or anything like that?

I can handle it, Butch.

All right, don't push it.
Throw it away.

Douglas!

I'm Arthur!

Arthur Spooner,
that's me!

I've invented
a new kind of pie.

Hi. Ahem.

Oh, my God.
This is not my hat.

Hey, Arthur,
we were just, uh--

I saw what you were doin'.

I guess when I leave you
do little skits about me,

is that it?

Well, I don't.

No, of course not.

You're too busy calling me
a demented old circus monkey

-behind my back!
-Dad--

No! I'm glad
I can be a source

of such amusement
to you two.

I'll be goin' now.

And by the way,

I didn't invent
a new kind of pie.

It was a crumb cake!

-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, wow,
he's really mad at us.

There is nous.

You started this, and then
you took me down with you

with that brilliant
little reenactment.

In my defense, Carrie,
it was your choice

to wear the hat.

You created an atmosphere

where it was easy
to get carried away.

Just go out there and try
to talk to him, will ya?

-Why don't you?
-I did.

Every time I do,
he just covers his ears

and shuts his eyes

and walks away...

usually
right into something.

Okay. I'll go.

Dad, would you just come inside
and eat with us?

Sorry.

I prefer to eat out here

with the other demented
circus monkeys.

You're not
a circus monkey, Dad.

Unh-uh.

Demented circus monkey.

Will you stop it?
We're sorry, okay?

Sure. It's easy
to say you're sorry

afterthe insult.

Well, it's kind of hard
to do it before the insult.

Heh. Heh heh heh!

If you're tryin' to
disarm me with your wit,

I recommend
you save your time.

Hey...

party Artie!

[CHUCKLES]

Chef Boy-Artie!

Yeah. We're--
We're in here.

RICHIE: All right,
I got it!

You wait
in the Shea parking lot,

and after 4 1/2 innings,

I come out,
and then you go in

for the rest of the game.

How's that?

You won't come out.

That's true.

I apologized
to the guy 20 times.

What else can I do?

I don't know.

Why don't you
take him somewhere?

What, like...

out to the woods?

Hey, I got an idea.

We got a dish here
with about a dozen butter balls.

You eat 'em all
in under a minute,

and you're goin' to Shea.

I know what you could do.

What?

You could give him
the other Mets ticket.

This is a lot of butter,

and I think we have a deal.

Not the game.
He'll ruin it somehow.

He'll yell
something embarrassing,

and the first-base coach
will look at me.

Look, man, you hurt
the guy's feelings.

You gotta deal
with the consequences.

I guess you're right.
I guess I gotta bite

the bullet on this one.

All right,
I'll bring 'im.

That's 12.

I win.

I get the ticket! Aah!

Eh...ah...

What?

MALE ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]:
Now batting...

number 61...

Gilbert Showman.

Okay, Arthur,
got you a program

and a pennant here
and a little bat.

Ha ha ha!
It's also a pen.

Look it! I'm a giant
baseball player

with a very
normal-sized bat.

Whoa! [CLICK]

[IMITATING
CROWD CHEERING]

He lays down a bump!

Okay, okay, it's not landing.

Would you just take
this stuff, will ya?

Thank you, no.

I accepted this ticket
because I love the Mets

and I enjoy the company
of Mister, uh...

-Palmer.
-Palmer here.

You two, I can do without.

All right, so what
do you wanna eat?

You want a hot dog,
peanuts?

Nothing, thank you.

What about one of those
ice creams you like?

Cool-A-Coo? Huh?

You love Cool-A-Coos.

If I got you a Cool-A-Coo,
would you eat it?

I might eat it.

Well, then, I'm gonna get
you a Cool-A-Coo.

And one for my friend, uh...

I'm sorry, son,

give it to me one more time.

-Palmer.
-Palmer.

ANNOUNCER:Now batting,

number 4...

Greg Jacobs.

Oh, God.

These seats are
pretty great, huh?

You sure you don't want
the pennant?

Because I think
it's pretty sweet.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sure.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Mets, yeah! God,
this thing is fun.

Hi. I need
2 Cool-A-Coos, please.

Sorry. Beer only.

Okay, I'll take a beer
and 2 Cool-A-Coos.

Beer only.

Wait.
What are you talking about?

You have Cool-A-Coos
right there. I can see 'em!

Beer only.

Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that.

Listen, um, I've got
an old man out there

with very hurt feelings,

and he's got his heart set
on a frickin' Cool-A-Coo.

Now, I'm gonna count to 5,

and if a Cool-A-Coo
does not appear in my hand,

I'm gonna put you on a stick.

What does Met
stand for anyway,

ya know?

I mean,
what's a Met?

What's the deal
with that?

Come on.
Give me something, huh?

It's short for
Metropolitan.

Or perhaps it's short
for "hurtful son-in-law."

All right,
that's it! Come on, ya know?

I said I was sorry,
all right.

I didn't even mean
what I said.

I've apologized.

I've shared front row
seats with ya.

I'm out.
I'm out. I'm out.

Never got a foul ball before.

Hey, buddy!

Back in your seat!

Hey!

[CHEERING]

Go, big man...

Go.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Oh, will you look at this?

This is terrible.

Is that Doug?

ANNOUNCER:Some moron
is running around the field,

ruining it for everyone.

Go, Moose!

Ah!

Ah..

Unh!

Hey? How you guys doin'?

That's my son-in-law!

Piazza!

Driver of the month.

This is a long way
to fall.

Um, excuse me, sir?

I'm sorry to bother you.

Could you just
let us go now, please?

He won't go
on the field again,

and I won't spit on any
more concession people.

Sorry. Rules are rules.

Oh, come on. It's
not like you're running

a real jail here.

It's Mets' jail.
Get a grip!

-Piazza!
-Hey, dude,

you know what?
We get it. You like Piazza.

-Okay, now settle down, drunky.
-All right now, honey. Easy!

This man has puking
in his future.

Hey, some guy's here
to claim you.

DOUG: Hey, Arthur.

Hi, Dad.

Well, I can't say
this is my proudest moment.

Sorry I didn't get you
that foul ball.

No, no, Douglas.
I was very touched.

You did toss it away
to save yourself,

but other than that,

it was a very nice gesture.

I almost got you
your ice cream.

Well, yes, but I heard you were
in the "beer only" line.

Last time I checked,
that means "beer only."

Well, anyway, I'm sorry.

Come on. Let's get you kids
out of this hell hole.

Listen, Arthur, I'm--

I'm really sorry about
that demented monkey comment.

Aw, forget it.

To be honest, Douglas,
behind your back,

I often refer to you
as the butterball.

That's good to know,
and...ouch.

[ORCHESTRAL FLOURISH ON TV]

TV ANNOUNCER:And from the at-
least-you-know-you're-smarter-

than-someone file,
here's a guy

who really wanted a foul ball
in Shea Stadium today.

Look at this lunatic go.

Boing! Boing! Boing!

Why don't
you show the part

where I make a crazy old man
happy, huh?

Oh, hey, Dad.

Oh, you thought
that was funny, huh?

-Ha ha ha!
-Funny. Funny. Funny! Funny!

[**]