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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,304
Previously
on Malcolm in the Middle...
2
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,405
Baby's a little bit
bigger than expected.
3
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,840
So we're going
to induce labor on Thursday.
4
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:09,077
MALCOLM:
Festival of Brides?
5
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,511
I just dropped 15 bucks
on parking.
6
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:11,579
We're going in.
7
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,747
Baby just started
kicking like crazy.
8
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,616
It's almost like
something was
upsetting...
9
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:17,918
Mom!
10
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,920
I'm moving in.
11
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,389
Everybody decent?
12
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,591
God, I'm having a contraction.
I'm going into labor.
13
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,593
What?
I have to get to the hospital.
14
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:26,994
Got it on
the oldies station.
15
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,329
They're doing a
Beatles "A" to "Z."
16
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:32,100
So I'm just going
to make myself some tea
17
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,635
and relax until you get here.
18
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:39,840
♪ Yes, no, maybe
19
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,376
♪ I don't know
20
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:45,713
♪ Can you repeat the question?
21
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,915
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
22
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:50,384
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
23
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,785
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
24
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,888
♪ And you're not so big
25
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,358
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
26
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,393
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
27
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:00,794
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
28
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:04,697
♪ And you're not so big
29
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:08,936
♪ Life is unfair.
30
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,876
These contractions
are coming so close together!
31
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:16,777
Oh!
32
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,479
(screams)
33
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,715
Lois, you have to stop
doing that.
34
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,484
You are really
freaking me out.
35
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,119
Yeah, me, too, Lois.
And I'm a doctor.
36
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,121
We can't wait for Hal anymore.
37
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,257
We've got to go
to the hospital now!
38
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,958
You really think
you're ever going
39
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,660
to see your husband again?
Mom!
40
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,795
He's a man, isn't he?
41
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:35,896
He's had his way with you.
42
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,831
What's he need
to stick around for?
43
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,667
Look, if you're not going
to have the decency
44
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,335
to choke on the fumes
of your own bile,
45
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,571
can you at least
take your poison
over to Aunt Susan's?
46
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,274
Did she ask me to come?
Did she call you?
No.
47
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:49,777
No, of course not.
She only wants to see me suffer.
48
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,979
Can you imagine
how she's laughing at me,
49
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:55,716
knowing that now I'm stuck
with you as my favorite.
50
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:57,818
Knock, knock.
51
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,620
Lois, I need to borrow
a coat hanger.
52
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,855
I dropped my sandwich
underneath my car seat.
53
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,592
What's going on here?
54
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,627
Lois is in labor,
and Hal's not here.
55
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,696
(whimpering)
56
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:12,500
I have dreamed of this moment!
57
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:13,701
Here's what
we're going to do.
58
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,303
I'm going to carry you
in my arms to my van.
59
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:19,006
I have one of the three
original sirens from
Starsky and Hutch.
60
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,275
I can make that trip
in seven minutes flat.
61
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:23,043
You're talking crazy!
62
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,346
There were only two sirens
used in that entire series,
63
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,880
and they're both
in the Smithsonian.
64
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,949
Au contraire.
There were four sirens.
65
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,184
(all talking at once)
66
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:33,454
Oh, Hal, where are you?
67
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,789
Well, let's go!
Your mother's in labor!
68
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,226
We just wasted 45 minutes
in the security office.
69
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,027
Just our luck--
we get a rent-a-cop
70
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,562
trying to make sergeant.
71
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:44,532
I think he made you
pee in that jar just
because he could.
72
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,834
You boys have really outdone
yourselves this time.
73
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,002
Now, I'm going to take your mom
to the hospital,
74
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,371
and I'm not going
to hear one word
75
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,306
out of any of you until we come
back with the baby.
76
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:55,376
(engine starts)
77
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,445
(crashing)
78
00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,147
Okay, Dr. Kerr's going
to meet you at the hospital.
79
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,749
The guys are packing your bag,
80
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:03,851
and Craig is cleaning out
his car to make room for you.
81
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:04,885
Two more trips
82
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:05,919
and we're good to go.
83
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,355
We're ready.
84
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:10,891
What are you
doing with all
those suitcases?
85
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,093
I told you she didn't need
both sundresses.
86
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,828
Hey, don't look at me.
87
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:18,031
When I fly, I take one
carry-on. That's it.
88
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,099
(men arguing)
89
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:22,836
I'm ready to go to the hospital.
What?
90
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,505
You're not going
to the hospital.
91
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:27,040
I'm not going?
You're not going.
92
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,742
Oh, you want to go to
the hospital so bad?
93
00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,578
I'll send you
to the hospital.
94
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:33,414
I'll send you
to the hospital!
95
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:34,715
Nobody's going to the hospital!
96
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:37,951
It's too late.
97
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:41,322
Somebody call the paramedics.
I'm having the baby here.
98
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:45,926
Boys, call me a taxi,
99
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:48,362
and then call Dr. Kerr, let him
know your mom's in labor.
100
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,430
He's in the book.
101
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:50,398
Then call AAA...
102
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,365
Dad, calm down.
103
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,466
I will not calm down!
104
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,435
(phone ringing)
105
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:57,438
Hello. Hello?! Oh!
106
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,406
Hello! Lois?
107
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,442
What?! Honey!
108
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,776
Sir, stop moving.
109
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,378
MALCOLM AND REESE:
What'd she say?!
110
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:07,415
My wife's at home, and she's
having our baby right now!
111
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,049
I have to get home to her!
112
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,484
She's having the
baby at home?
113
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:12,720
Sir, you're not going anywhere
in the shape you're in.
114
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,455
Give him ten milligrams
of diazepam.
115
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,490
HAL:
Let me out of here.
116
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:20,428
I'm fine! Wait. What is that?
117
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:21,261
What-what is that?
118
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:22,496
Wha-What does that do?
119
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,031
Breathe in a bit.
120
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,738
(groans)
121
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,506
I've got to get home to her!
122
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:35,409
Give him ten more.
I want him immobilized.
123
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,745
Why don't you boys
come with me?
124
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,613
We have all sorts
125
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:42,215
of fun magazines
in the waiting area.
126
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,788
You like Highlights?
You like "Goofus and Gallant"?
127
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,323
We don't want to read
stupid magazines.
128
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:50,491
Our mom is
having a baby!
129
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:53,193
I'm sure she's being
very well taken care of,
130
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:54,962
and so's your father,
131
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,330
so there's nothing
for you boys to do
132
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:59,833
but relax and wait for someone
to come and get you.
133
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,470
But we have to do something.
This is all our fault.
134
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,438
You're obviously
very upset young men,
135
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:07,007
and frankly, I have no idea
how to deal with you.
136
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,442
That's why
I'm not in pediatrics.
137
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:12,012
Now, let's go
into the waiting room
138
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,614
like I told you.
139
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,183
If you don't want
to look at magazines,
140
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:19,186
I'm sure there's a chair
you can spin around in.
141
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,493
My God, what does
this woman weigh?!
142
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:26,960
I'm losing my grip
on her thigh!
143
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,028
Let's get her
to the bed!
144
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,530
Let's get her in
there! Let's go!
145
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:30,998
Move it, move it,
move it!
146
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,534
All right, all right, all right!
Count of three, count of three.
147
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,536
MEN:
One, two... three!
148
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,070
(all grunting)
149
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,039
That was like moving
150
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,675
a concert grand.
FRANCIS: Just relax, Mom.
151
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,177
The paramedics will be here soon
and they'll know what to do.
152
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,414
Don't worry, Lois,
I just Googled the word "baby."
153
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,383
Here we go. 28 million matches--
there ought to be
154
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,084
something useful in there.
Craig, get off
that thing.
155
00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:53,353
We don't need it.
Trey's a doctor.
156
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,989
Oh, no, Lois, I'm a dentist.
157
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,058
But you have medical training,
don't you?
158
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,560
Yes, but I took up dentistry
159
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,596
specifically because...
well, that area down there,
160
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:05,866
whe-when I look at it,
I get giggly.
161
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,001
I just do...
162
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,237
since high school.
163
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:11,939
Oh, for God's sakes.
164
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,775
I doubt I'm the only one.
(doorbell rings)
165
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,578
The paramedics are... oh.
Hi, is Malcolm home?
166
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,280
No, and we're in...
I just need to use his notes
for my biochem homework.
167
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:23,183
This really isn't
a good time.
168
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,918
You don't say hello
to your own grandmother?
169
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:28,756
I'm not Malcolm.
We've been through
this before.
170
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:31,358
(shouting):
Oh, God, the baby
is pressing down
171
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,860
so hard on my cervix!
172
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,629
Well, good, looks
like everything's
under control here.
173
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:37,598
Piama and I are
going to head out
174
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,399
back to the ranch.
175
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,968
What are you talking about?
176
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,770
Nothing!
You think I'm running away?
177
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:45,439
You think being here
when my own mother gives birth
178
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,808
is-is making me
so intensely uncomfortable
179
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,910
I've made up a fake excuse
to leave?
180
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,945
That is not even
a tiny bit true.
181
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,482
CRAIG:
Okay, clothes for babies,
names for babies,
182
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,417
truck drivers dressed like...
ew.
183
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:58,619
Excuse me, can
somebody help me
184
00:06:58,652 --> 00:06:59,920
find Malcolm's
biochem notes?
185
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,088
I need them
186
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:01,955
to do my assignment.
187
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,724
Get out of here, Lloyd!
188
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,727
I'm in labor!
I'm about to give birth!
189
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,130
It's a really important
assignment.
190
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,468
We are the worst kids
in the world.
191
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,103
Mom was right.
192
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:19,640
We really are evil little trolls
who have absolutely
193
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,408
no consideration
for anything
194
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,776
but ourselves,
195
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,178
and destroy everything
we come in contact with,
196
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:28,315
and we're lucky if we don't
end up in prison or dead.
197
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:29,783
Here's what we're going to do.
198
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,351
There's a class that starts here
199
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:32,786
in ten minutes.
200
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,755
It's all about how to be parents
to newborn babies.
201
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,356
We're going to take it.
202
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:37,357
What are you talking about?
203
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,792
We're going to learn
how to help out.
204
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,994
We're going to learn
how to be good for once.
205
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:42,930
All right!
Yeah, this baby's
not going to get
206
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,264
dropped on its head
all the time.
207
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,866
Yeah!
208
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:46,900
What?
209
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,703
Take a deep breath,
and blow it out
210
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,004
like you're blowing out
a candle.
211
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,005
(puffing)
212
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:54,808
(puffing)
213
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,310
Oh!
Oh!
214
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,812
Oh!
Oh, my God!
215
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,981
I thought my fingers
were going to explode!
216
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,883
Way to breathe through it.
CRAIG:
Hey, hey,
217
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,885
I found something!
218
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,054
There's been a slight increase
in the incidence
219
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,990
of babies born with a tail.
220
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,726
I wonder if that makes it easier
to tell when they're happy?
221
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,728
Where the hell
are those paramedics?
222
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,996
They'll be here
any second.
223
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,364
Steve called them
224
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,432
ten minutes ago.
225
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:23,537
Yeah, that's right.
226
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,439
That's what I did
ten minutes ago.
227
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,544
So, when did you get
this wallpaper?
228
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,511
(men chatting)
229
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:33,513
So, anyway,
230
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,715
we just feel awful,
231
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:37,049
and that's why we really
want to take this class.
232
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,919
Oh, my God,
you should feel awful.
233
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,654
You're horrible children.
234
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:41,589
That's our point.
235
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,190
Well, I suppose
236
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:46,594
everyone deserves
another chance.
237
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,062
All right, you can
take the class.
238
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,397
Thank you.
Ah, we're in.
Yes!
239
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,032
When your milk duct is blocked,
240
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,166
it's called mastitis.
241
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,102
It's important
that you let your baby
242
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,404
suck the obstruction
out of the breast,
243
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,673
and don't be alarmed
if the baby then vomits up
244
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,875
a cottage cheese-type substance.
245
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,510
Now, join me over here...
246
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:07,447
Like I needed another reason
to hate cottage cheese.
247
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,917
I've been kind
of zoning in
and out here,
248
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,285
but did she just
say milk comes out
of those things?
249
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:15,122
Reese, that's what
they're for.
250
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,590
My God!
251
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:19,793
Women are the cows of people!
252
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:22,529
(whimpers)
253
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,465
Oh!
254
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,635
I'm coming, Lois.
255
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,237
(grunting)
256
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,445
(grunts)
257
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,948
I'm coming, Lois!
258
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,950
I'm coming,
Lois!
259
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:48,722
(grunting)
260
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:51,992
I'm coming, Lois!
261
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:58,498
I'm coming, Lois!
I'm coming!
262
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,233
I'm coming, Lois!
263
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,601
(screeching):
I'm coming!
264
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:05,138
I'm coming, Lois!
I'm coming!
265
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:08,041
I'm c...
266
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,455
(whispers):
I'm coming...
267
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:25,793
Lois.
268
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,833
Here, I brought some towels
269
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:33,801
to put under
your knees.
270
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:34,802
Oh, Piama,
271
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:35,803
don't use the good towels.
272
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,838
IDA: What does she
know about towels?
273
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:42,342
Her people dried themselves off
by throwing dirt on their backs.
274
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,611
Thank you, Piama.
275
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,913
Thank you very much.
276
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,348
I'm sure
277
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:51,685
the paramedics will come
get you very soon,
278
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,220
and before they do,
279
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,355
there's something
I want you to know.
280
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:59,693
Your father had
a second family.
281
00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:00,961
What?!
282
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,864
This slutty cocktail
waitress in Manitoba.
283
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,665
She was nothing
but a pig,
284
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:08,568
and the children that
came out of her...
285
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,503
Why are you
telling me this now?
286
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:11,538
In case you die,
287
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,240
I don't want you
thinking of him
288
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,307
as a decent man,
289
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,143
but don't tell your sister.
290
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,411
Let her stew
in her own ignorance.
291
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:21,381
I only tell this
to my favorite.
292
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:22,783
(loud hammering)
293
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,085
What are you doing?
294
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,720
Building calms me down, okay?
295
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,756
We're all trying to find
ways to cope with this.
296
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,591
Yes, Francis, I'm trying
to cope with this pregnancy
297
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,761
by giving birth!
298
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:36,329
Excuse me. I'm
working quietly.
299
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,430
I'd appreciate it
300
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:40,133
if you could work
quietly, too.
301
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,037
Got to get out...
302
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:45,705
I gotta get out.
303
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:47,340
I gotta get out.
304
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,375
H-Hey!
305
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,342
How's it going?
306
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,677
You gotta get me
out of here.
307
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:51,779
I don't belong in here.
308
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,446
I have to get home.
309
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,115
It's okay, little fellow.
You'll be fine...
310
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:58,251
as long as someone claims you
in the next six hours.
311
00:11:58,285 --> 00:11:59,953
Six hours?
What happens then?
312
00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:02,622
Wait! What happens then?!
313
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,124
Oh, boys!
314
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,592
Boys!
315
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:06,860
Over here.
Pick me, pick me.
316
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,028
Wow, look at this guy.
317
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,629
Yeah!
318
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,664
That is the ugliest dog
I've ever seen.
319
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:13,801
What did he roll in?
320
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,202
I'm gonna be sick.
321
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,870
Oh, look at this one.
322
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,538
No! No, please come back.
323
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,773
Please, please, please!
324
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,509
Can someone shut
this yappy one up?
325
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,978
That's right, Dewey.
326
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,815
Come back to Daddy.
Pick Daddy.
327
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:31,051
Can we take this one's collar
and put it on the good one?
328
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,486
Collar?
329
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,654
What?
330
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,489
No! No!
331
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,892
(howling):
No!
332
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,928
No! No! No!
333
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,863
(barking)
334
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,117
My biggest fear...
is that I won't be
335
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,485
a good big brother.
336
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:06,786
Babies are born stupid
337
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,755
and they're
really counting on you.
338
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,357
They'll touch stuff
they shouldn't.
339
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,259
They'll eat anything.
340
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,495
I'd say half of all our Legos
have been through this kid.
341
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:16,563
Probably more.
342
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,001
Can I get a new baby?
343
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,503
(man screaming)
344
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:24,671
Lois, Let go!
345
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:26,639
Or at least
grab his hand!
346
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,475
They say that childbirth
347
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:32,312
is the most painful thing
a person can go through.
348
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:35,348
With a little light pancake,
you could pass.
349
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:39,552
You don't have to hang out
with the other ones, you know.
350
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,621
Okay, you know what?
351
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,023
See, here's the thing...
352
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,158
Lady...
we're better than you.
353
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,627
Every one of us in every way.
354
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,661
I'm smarter than you,
355
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:51,865
more educated, and
I contribute more to society.
356
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:52,699
I have a family
357
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:53,867
that loves me.
358
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:55,302
I live in a big house,
359
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,570
drive a nice car
and make more money in a year
360
00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,739
than you've probably made
your whole lifetime.
361
00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:03,911
Big deal.
So you're a drug dealer.
362
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:06,646
Booga-booga!
363
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,680
(shrieks)
364
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:08,982
LOIS:
Hal, where are you?
365
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,918
Put the ice on it.
366
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,552
The paramedics'll
be here any minute,
367
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:13,686
so just hang on.
368
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:14,888
I can't hang on.
369
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,389
It doesn't work
like that.
370
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:17,925
This baby is coming now.
371
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,759
Lois, you don't want
to push until you're
372
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:22,162
at least ten
centimeters dilated.
373
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,264
Well, take a look if you want.
374
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,433
Uh... I-I...
375
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,069
I'd be happy to
look in your mouth.
376
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,939
Do you know those animals are
in your backyard right now
377
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,908
pacing back and forth
like it's Africa?
378
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,609
When this is my room,
379
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:40,113
they don't come
within 20 feet of the door.
380
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:42,549
Oh, I can't believe she's
here. I can't believe
381
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:45,118
my sister picked now
to have a fight with her.
382
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,553
I can't believe
I'm going to have
383
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:47,620
to move into
the boys' room.
384
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:48,688
Calm down.
385
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:49,756
Does your sister know
386
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,758
your mom is dying?
387
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,026
What are you
talking about?
388
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,362
Does your sister know your
mother has a fatal disease
389
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,429
that she's been hiding
390
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,131
and this might be
her last chance
391
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,267
to make peace?
392
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,702
With her mother.
393
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,004
Who's dying.
394
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:07,140
Wipe.
395
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:08,441
Cream.
396
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,509
Ready.
397
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,911
Done!
ALL:
Yeah!
398
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:12,645
Number one.
399
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:13,713
In your face!
400
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:14,747
We're just learning
401
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,483
how to take care
of our babies.
402
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,917
That's loser talk.
403
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,387
We're gonna be
the best big brothers ever.
404
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,256
We aced Diaper and we
totally owned Tub Time.
405
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:24,391
I'm so glad I memorized
406
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,959
all the common
household chemicals
407
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,660
that can be poisonous
to the baby.
408
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:31,164
You know, all this stuff
parents have to do...
409
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,400
all the feedings
and bathings
410
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,501
and diaperings
411
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,569
and safety stuff
and scheduling--
412
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,038
just made me realize.
413
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,008
Mom never did any of this.
414
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,310
There's a bottle of this
on our headboard.
415
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,378
No wonder we turned out
the way we did.
416
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,747
(groaning)
417
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,516
It's six months,
maybe a year.
418
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:50,850
I'm gonna need
that computer.
419
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:53,120
Not today, squirt.
Lois is about to have a baby,
420
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,255
and I'm in charge of research.
421
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,790
She's hot.
422
00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,660
I can't work with someone
looking over my shoulder.
423
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:01,828
Well, I'll see
if I can find her.
424
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,863
Mother! Telephone!
425
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:07,667
Is the border station
going to return my rifle?
426
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,169
Hello?
427
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:12,839
Yes?
428
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,708
Oh, I'm glad
to hear you say that.
429
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,977
No, I'm fine.
430
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,847
I'm here with you-know-who,
and she's doing...
431
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,149
you-know-what.
432
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,551
Again. Yeah.
433
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:28,388
(laughing)
434
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,690
(groaning)
435
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,294
Where are the paramedics?
436
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,296
These contractions
are too close to time.
437
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,032
Francis, this baby's going
to be born any minute.
438
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,867
I want you to do
something for me.
439
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,302
What do you want me to do?
440
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,071
I want you to deliver the baby.
441
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,072
What?
442
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,206
No.
443
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,407
You can do it.
444
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,575
You've done it
before.
445
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,643
You deliver barn
animals all the time.
446
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,045
You're not a
barn animal.
447
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:53,180
Francis, your father isn't here;
448
00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:55,014
you're the only person I trust.
449
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:56,549
You don't even like me.
450
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,985
But I love you,
which is why
451
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,020
you're going
to do this.
452
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:03,056
No! You can't make me!
453
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,857
Francis, your mother
is asking for your help.
454
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:06,226
LOIS:
Francis.
455
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,861
You can do this.
456
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,063
You know that you can.
457
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:12,565
Now, you're going
to put your hands
458
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:14,666
inside of Mommy
and take out
459
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:15,968
this baby!
460
00:17:22,474 --> 00:17:24,944
Lois.
461
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,247
Oh, Lois.
462
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:32,085
I finally found you.
463
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,555
Oh, I missed the baby.
464
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:36,756
It's okay.
465
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,459
The baby is fine, Hal.
466
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,994
Honey, I'm the worst husband
in the world.
467
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,400
I can't believe
how terrible I am.
468
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:48,735
Oh...
469
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:55,408
I can't believe I made you
go through this alone.
470
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,546
I wish I could have been there.
471
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,081
You were there, Hal.
472
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,916
I was?
473
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:06,286
We're a part of each other.
474
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,921
Wherever I go, you're there.
475
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:11,924
You are always with me.
476
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,593
I love you.
477
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:17,297
(monitor beeping rapidly)
478
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,634
(both moaning)
479
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,612
Oh, my God, what
is that man doing?
480
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:33,513
What?
481
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:36,249
Get that sicko off of her.
482
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,618
What? Lois? Are you...?
483
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,120
Someone call the police.
484
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:42,522
MALCOLM:
Dad!
485
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:45,925
Oh, my God!
486
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,294
What the hell
are you doing?
487
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,331
(shrieks)
488
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,333
(Lois groans)
489
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,168
Can you see the head?
490
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,503
Not yet.
491
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,371
You're not even looking.
492
00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:00,039
Is it starting
to crown?
493
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:02,041
Uh... yes.
494
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:03,109
That's good. That's good.
495
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,110
God, I can't believe
496
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,845
I'm looking at... this.
497
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,647
I'm going to die.
498
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,551
If the head is completely
crowning, it's okay to push.
499
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,886
(moaning)
500
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,890
If anyone calls,
I'll be at your sister's.
501
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:19,192
(moaning)
502
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:21,928
No, don't worry.
I'll let myself out.
503
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,198
Come on, Lois. Come on.
504
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:27,900
Ew!
505
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,570
Ew!
506
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,906
Ew!
507
00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,177
(baby crying)
Was that the...?
508
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,813
(gasps)
509
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,416
I got it. I got it.
510
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,651
Oh, my God.
511
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,085
I got it!
512
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,186
Yes!
513
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:49,422
It's here.
514
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,293
Put it on her chest.
515
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,264
Oh.
516
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,266
Hi, baby.
517
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,933
Hi.
518
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:04,437
(crying)
519
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,274
Hi, baby.
520
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:11,444
Oh, thank you, Francis.
521
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:15,248
This is the nicest thing
you've ever done for me.
522
00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:16,816
I am so proud of you.
523
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:23,290
You can go vomit now.
524
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,393
ABE:
Way to go.
525
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,127
Here he comes.
There he is.
526
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,931
(Francis gags, others murmur)
527
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,099
Well, is it
528
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:34,934
a boy or a girl?
529
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,736
It's a beautiful,
healthy baby...
530
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,204
(siren blares)
531
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,641
ALL:
Aw...
532
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,209
I knew it!
533
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,611
Oh, that's all right.
534
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:46,245
Hi there.
535
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:48,715
I'm your mommy.
536
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,182
Okay, so who's having the baby?
537
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:55,922
I told you we shouldn't
have stopped for coffee.
538
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,290
(vibrating lips)
539
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,125
Oh, I've forgotten
how small they are.
540
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:01,961
I forgot
how good they smell.
541
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:02,995
LOIS:
Yeah.
542
00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:04,331
Okay, hand it over.
543
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,632
MALCOLM:
It's 5:30.
544
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,400
It's time for the baby's
sponge bath.
545
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:09,168
Look how full
this diaper is.
546
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,538
When was the last time
you changed it?
547
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,474
Have you at least come up
with a name yet?
548
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:17,844
Yes. Jamie.
549
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:20,947
It fits.
550
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:26,653
We'll come back
when your udders are ready.
37396
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