All language subtitles for mnmg

Enid.

Enid, darling.

Oh!

Oh, Edna! Oh, thank goodness you've
come. Never mind, dear.

I'm sorry I'm late, the plane from
Melbourne was held up. Hello, Barry.

Hello, Auntie Edna. He's gone.
He's gone! I know, dear.

You've had a big prop pulled from
underneath you, pet. What am I going
to do without him?

In the midst of life...
Mrs McKenzie?
Mr Hopkinson will see you now.

Thank you. Be strong and brave.
Yes, I'll try.

Ah, Mrs McKenzie, do sit down.
How do you do? I'm Mrs Everage.

And to you,
Barrington Bradman Bing McKenzie,

I bequeath the sum of 2,000
on condition that you leave

for the United Kingdom immediately
to further

the cultural and intellectual
traditions of the McKenzie dynasty.

Strewth! Who'd want to go to
the dump where all them pom migrants
are leaving in their millions?

Still, dollars are better
than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick, eh, Auntie?

RADIO ON
I know, but we'll tell him together.

MUSIC PLAYS

Let me do it, Barry. She's apples,
Mum. You relax and put your feet up,
give your veins a rest.

Get your underwear, dear.

And don't forget to change them
every day either, Barry.

Geez, come off it, Mum.

No man knoweth the hour, dear.

Aunt Edna and I have been having
a chinwag and...

I'm going to London with you, Barry.

Come again?
I'm going to London with you!

Barry, seriously - I've promised
myself a trip to the old country
ever since my Norman's little op.

Our family came from Britain
many moons ago, you know.

Lucky they did. Immigration laws are
a bloody sight tougher now.

I won't be interfering with your
private life. Heaven forbid!

My dear friend and bridesmaid Madge
Allsop is in England now and we just
can't wait to see each other.

Hurry up, Edna, we'll but late!
Come on, Auntie!

Sorry, pet. I just bought you
a new, lovely, gorgeous kitbag.

I've got a gorgeous bag of my own.
We'll miss the plane.

Don't forget to change your
underwear every day. Come off it!

'Flight 530 for London is boarding
immediately from gate two.

'This is your final call.'

Good morning, sir.
Is there anything you'd like?

Too right - a Ned Kelly whiskey
and a naughty in the dunnies as soon
as the no smoking light goes out.

Fellas!

See ya!

I don't think they can hear me,
Auntie.

See you, Mum!

ANGELIC CHOIR: Bar-ry...

McKen-zie!

Ta.

I'm that hungry I could eat a horse
and chase the jockey. That's lovely.

CHINESE STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

ANGELIC CHOIR: Bar-ry...

McKenzie!

SNORING

'We are now landing at
London's Heathrow airport.

'Have your disembarkation papers,
customs clearance slips,

'currency control vouchers,
passports, tickets, identity dockets,

'travel orders, immigrations tickets,
temporary visas,

'racial origin certificates, baggage
cheques, leprosy immunisation cards

'and security clearances ready
for inspection, please.'

Hey, Auntie. This trip isn't
the full two bob. You can't even see
the flaming white cliffs!

Hang about, lads. Another
plane load of those bleeding convicts
on their way in.

Oh, excuse I, Barry,
I'm just going to declare that
jumbo-sized bottle of My Sin.

See you, Baz.

Good morning, sir.
Anything to declare?

No, not really.

Well, I picked up this little lot
on the way over. Yes, sir.

We'll see, shall we?

A transistor radio, mechanical toy,
typewriter, Hong Kong watch,

that'll be £234...

£234.55...57...58
and one half new penny, please, sir.

Stone the crows! That's over
a week's work where I come from!

Yes, sir.

What about this camera, sir?

Fair go, that's a present from me
Auntie Edna, you hungry pommy...

That sort of language'll get you
nowhere, sir!

There's fif...

Seventy pounds import duty
on this item, sir.

Don't come the raw prawn! I only
got the bloody thing to take slides
of the Queen and Phil the Greek

and a few other pommy ruins.
That's the law, sir. £70.

What have you got in this case?

Personal effects.

Just a few tubes of ice cold
Fosters. Don't tell me you're going
to make something out of that!

I'm afraid I shall have to confiscate
this lot, sir.

TILL CHINGS AND WHIRRS

Oh, Barry, where have you been?
You've been as slow as a wet week.

You wouldn't read about it, Auntie.
I wouldn't have minded if the
bastard had been civil.

When it comes to fleecing you, the
poms have got the edge on the gypos.

Listen to this, Barry - "Princess
Anne was born on 15th August 1950.

"She was always a tomboy,
hating to play with dullies,

"but expert at climbing trees while
her brother watched from below."

BAGPIPES PLAY

Strike me pink!

Hey! Aren't we at Earl's Court yet?

This is taking longer
than the plane trip.

Nearly there, guv.
Stupid pommy bastard.

Oh, Barry, was that altogether
necessary, dear?

No wonder poor old Phil's always
shooting through.

What a dump for the royals
to live in!

It'll be beaut to see the old Curly
again, Auntie. Curly?

What's he doing in the old country?

Well, for the past couple of years
he's been bludging down at
Australia House in Strand Street.

Real cushy job, he reckons.
Piss-up every day, no probs.

Strewth! That airport must have been
in bloody Woop Woop.

What's the damage, sport?
Let's see...

Extra passenger, use of luggage rack,

hire of ashtrays, over the five mile
limit, afternoon driving tax,

conversation surcharge, windscreen
wiper depreciation...

that'll be 68 new pounds, guv.

68 quid?! Stone the crows,
that's bloody highway robbery.

Hey, Bazza!

Curly, you old bastard!
I wasn't sure if you'd be home.

What are you doing? Taking a sickie,
you bludger, or did they give you
the sack at Australia House?

Those dozy bastards
wouldn't know a tram was up them
until the bell rang.

Hang on, I'll be down faster
than a whore's draws.

Don't rupture yourself, Barry.

Bazza! Curls! Bazza!

Geez, it's beaut to see you, Curl.

What's this? What's this with
the hair? Look like a hippie poof!

Hey, and what's this? Growing a bit
of scrub around the waterhole?

Ah, you bastard, get off my back or
I'll give you a knuckle sandwich.

Excuse I, Barry!

Hang on a second, you silly dag,
while I square off this fourby two.

All right, here's your money.
Hope it chokes you.

68 quid.

70 quid now, guv. I'm not sitting
here for my bleedin' health.

Stop bickering and pay the little
person. I have to get to Madge's.
All right, Auntie.

Hang on to your purse. These poms
charge like a wounded bull. Oh!

Why don't you go back to Australia?!

Go back to Israel yourself,
you Ikey Mo!

Don't forget to give me a tingle.

Hungry Arab. Would have dropped
the bastard if he wasn't qualified
for the pension.

Let's go in, mate, eh?

Er... Hang on a tick, Bazza.

Er... Listen, mate...

I picked up a sort at the party
the other night so my joint's a bit
on the crowded side.

But no worries, I lined you up
a beaut little place around
the corner to drop your swag.

Be on me Pat Malone, eh mate? Geez,
if it was raining virgins,

I'd be washed down the gutter
with a poofter.

Rag and bone!

This is the place, mate. A nice
little area, this, lot of character.

PHONE RINGS

"Pakistani vicar's teeth found
in nude nun's thigh."

"I had four Guinesses and everything
went black, says..." Page six.

Six... Six...

"The magistrate told the jury..."

I've come for the room for me mate
McKenzie. Ah!

You know, from Australia.
Ah, well... Oh!

McKrenzie. McKrenzie, yes. I'll...

HE COUGHS
..I'll show you to your suite.

Welcome to England.
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

HE COUGHS

Oh bugger!

Oh, it's only crap.
Just step over it.

The bathroom's in the basement,
the toilet's on the sixth floor,

luxury breakfast - luxury -
served from 6am to five past,

nobody...except on Sundays!

Nobody in the rooms...
..Hello, darling. Had enough?

Nobody in the rooms after 7 o'clock,
lights out by 8 o'clock

and you adjust your dress before
leaving because we got a very hungry
dog about.

We're going to give you the Winston
Churchill Memorial Suite here,

and we like three weeks rent
in advance

and a deposit on the Gideon Bib...

It's been knocked orf. Jamaicans!

You have to pay a deposit on it. Like
it? One coat of Dulux done this.

Er, that'll be...see now...
43 guineas for this suite, sir.

No need to call me "sweet sir".
Barry McKenzie's the name, mate.

An ordinary working man
like yourself.

I might have close to 700 quid
on me at the moment

but that's the result of four weeks
hard slogging down the snowy.

Oh! Oh, what's on the go? Don't tell
me we've got a flaming air raid!

I do some of me best work
in the dark. It's all right.

It's the...the meter on your luxury
chandelier is short of the lob.

Have you got a pound on you? I'll...
A pound? Just a little pound.

I'll show you how to put it
in the meter.

This one...

CLUNK!

Oh, just hold that torch, will you?

Ah, there you are! Don't forget,

just put one of those in

every 20 minutes.

Good little pub this, mate,
where all the Aussies drink.

All right, fellas? Bazza!

THEY GREET EACH OTHER

RAUCOUS GREETINGS

You old bastard! Are you kidding me?
Of course!

Hey, listen, we want you to try
a local drop now you're here.

I've heard it's dish water. No!

No, it's great, mate.

Go on. Youse wouldn't put me wrong,
would ya? No!

All right.

Hm... Terrific. Beautiful.
I don't know.

Get it down!

Bah! I've been poisoned!

It's as warm as piss! Come on, stop
mucking around and give us a decent
chilled Fosters.

That's more like it.

I really needed that. I was as dry
as a dead dingo's donger.

Listen, mate, that pom stuff's piss.

Geez, it's great to have you around,
Bazza. There's a whole lot of the
old Parra bloody Manor mob here.

Jonno, Matesy, Stanno, Spaz,
Scissors, Malloy and some of the
sheilas are real humdingers. Yeah?

Got any lead in your pencil?
I'm gonna choke one. See ya.

Beautiful drunk. Yes.

Well, how's the trip, mate?
Any stop-overs?

Couple of days in Honkers. A lot of
tinted bastards there, Curly.
Boy, have they got a colour problem!

What a fantastic bunch of bastards
on the plane, though. We demolished
the old tubes, that's for sure.

Got a bit rough over
the Hima-bloody-layas. One of
the blokes started chundering.

One fella near me yodling his jelly
and ice cream.

Eh, did you get your end in?

Come again? Aw, don't come the Uncle
Crustacean with me, Baz, did you get
the dirty water off your chest?

I hear some of them air hostesses
are pretty keen. You reckon?

Yeah, pretty often it's the captain
that dips his wick. How's that?

I remember the boat I came over on
was full of nurses I used to bang
like an outhouse during a gale.

One of the officers gave me
the good oil on that. He was English
and a real nice bastard.

He reckoned you could always pick
the sheilas that come across easy.
How's that?

They're the ones cried when they
said goodbye to their boyfriends.

All the officers lined up at every
port spotting the sheilas.

Fantastic! That night there in there
like a rat up a drainpipe. Yeah.

Hey, Bazza. Aw, cripes! You'd have
to be pulling my leg, mate.

Don't tell me with all those flaming
stop-overs you never cracked it.

Think I'd tell you,
you randy bastard?

Of course I did. Some of the sheilas
on the flight gave me their
addresses to look 'em up over here.

They reckoned
they'd never had such a good time.

They were dreading the pommy blokes,
cos they don't like it plain
and simple over here.

Yeah. It's the truth.

Geez, it's great having you around,
mate. Excuse me...

My name's Groove Courtenay.

DOn't tell me your problems, mate.
No, really.

I'm fron Transmedia Enterprises.
I have a proposition to make.

A bloody poofter. Hey fellas,
a pom poof!

THEY JEER

Let's go somewhere we can talk, eh?

BLOKES JEER

Eh, keep your back to the bar, mate.

OK, sport, give us the drum,
but make it snappy. I've got a lot
of drinking to catch up on.

Well, my agency has the account
for the new High Camp cigalettes.

It's great having him back.
Beautiful, eh?

Mr McKenzie, I have been watching you
for some time and you've got just
the image we need -

rugged, unconventional, he-man,
touch of the outback, just what
our English viewers want.

Aw, thanks very much, sport.

Good luck, mate. Thanks, Curl.

Super cossy, love, really nice. Yeah,
well, I feel a bit of a drongo.

Hope none of my mates see me
in this outfit. They'll reckon
I've turned poofter.

What have I got to do?
It's easy, Bazza.

All you do is ride in... Ride in?!

Yes, you Australians are such
fabulous horsemen. Oh, yeah.

Then, you kneel down on this
beautiful mountain and you offer our
High Camp cigalette to Caroline.

Who's that?

Caroline, love, this is
Barry McKenzie, the sun-bronzed Anzac
I told you about. Super!

Please to meet you.

Eh, what a colossal bit of skirt!

Look, this is what you do, Bazza.

Look at Caroline and say,

"Have a High Camp filter - firm in
your fingers and cool between your
lips." It's pretty easy, isn't it?

Is that all? No probs.

I'll give it a burl.

High Camp one, take one. Action.

High Camp!

ROMANIC MUSIC PLAYS

Have a High Camp.

Like, they're, er...firm in your
lips and cool between your fingers.

Cut! We'll try another.

High Camp one, take two. Action!

Have a High Camp - cool in your
fingers and tight in your mouth.

Cut!

199. Action, Barry.

Try a High Camp filter.

They're cool in your mouth
and firm between your hips.

Dig that crazy ad-lib.

Well, didn't I tell you this boy had
class?

This ad will sell a million.

Congratulations.

Look, can I get out of these tight
strides now? They're ruining me
future. Sure, great suggestion.

I'm glad that's over, Carol.
Could really go a couple of nice
cold ales.

Er, look, what say you and me get
together some time?

Mm, super.

Where do you hang out?

370 2660, and I'd love to see you
some time...Bazza.

Bye, Barry. Give me a tingle.

Hey, Curl.

Got a Biro?

Er, yeah, mate.

Seems a bit of all right, eh?

Yeah, I'm doing all right with that
pommy sheila, mate.

I've heard they don't like it
simple like good Australian lasses.

Yeah, that's for sure, mate. Hey...

You ought to go along to one of them
bookshops and get one of them

Indian hygiene magazines,
do a bit of swotting up.

Might just do that, Curl.

'Geez, I've blown me dough
on some long-winded yarn

'about a couple of slant-eyed
ratbags called Yoni and Lingam.

'What kind of hygienic publication
is this?'

Oh, geez, I'm shagged out.

'There must be an easier way of
tickling a girl's fancy.

'Hang on, what's this?'

"If a man after anointing his lingam
with the sprouts of the vaginisi,

"dips it in ghee,
then rubs on the juice of crushed
voteprahanta leaves

"and then engages in the congress
of the bee, he makes her subject to
his will."

Ah, look, sport,
I wonder if you can help.

Could you give us half a pound
of vagishnanti plant sprouts,

a tin of ghee, a packet of vot...
voteprahanta leaves, a half a dozen
shadvanstra...

HE SPEAKS HINDI

No, I'm sorry, sir. There has been
quite a run on exotic spices.

Oh. Strewth, now I'm really
in the poo.

Oh, well, look, in that case,
you'd better give us some chutney,

some rice, er...throw in some
mustard, some mixed herbs

and chuck in a couple of cans of
extra strong prawn and beef curry.

Once she cops an eyefull of me sexy
groceries, she won't tumble it's me
first time.

DOORBELL

Barry! Here, Carol. Super!

Come in, darling. Yeah, well...

Come on! Right.

Jeez! You've got a beaut
little place here, Carol.

I feel a full, wild
bit tonight, Barry.

Strewth!

You're a flamin' fast worker, Carol!

Something tells me
I'm not the first.

You'll be the first to give me a
taste of what it's like down under.

Come on, darling,
let's slip into the sheets.

Ah... Look, Carol, to save time,

while I'm anointing the ole lingam
with this beef and prawn curry,

you get stuck into this
cinnamon and mixed herbs.

All right? We can have a crack
at the congress of the ant.

Get that kinky
Aussie gear off, Barry.

Come on, darling.

I'm all ready for you.

Wait a sec, Carol.

I'll be finished with the exotic
aphrodisies in a few jiffs.

No wonder India's
got a famine problem

if this is what they do
with their tucker.

Hey, Carol,
I hope you're not a vegetarian.

I'm kinky for beef, sweetie,
but not the tinned variety.

Mmm!

Let's put out the light.
I think you're shy.

Shy? Not me.

Just can't sleep with the bulb
glaring, that's all.

Barry, what are you thinking about,
darling?

I've gotta be down at the bank
in New South Wales
a sparrow fart in the morning.

What's the hassle, darling?

We've still got all night.

Just hold your horses for a sec,
Carol.

I want to point Percy
at the porcelain.

OK, McKenzie, the game's up.

Groove!

I saw ya tryin' that he-man act
on Caroline while we were shooting.

Strike me pig, a pom perv!

I've heard about your type,
flashin' their torches on blokes
in the middle of congress.

I'll flatten ya!

CLATTERING

GRUNTING

I'll flatten ya!

GRUNTING

Oh, darling!

DOG BARKS

Christ!

Ronald.

What an appalling bore!

There's a letter
from one of those Australians

who inundated us with mouldy raisins

and home-made coconut ice
during the war.

They want to come here on Saturday.

Do you realise that is today?

Good lord! Well,
I'm holing up in the den.

Oh, don't be a fool, Ronald.

She's bringing her nephew with her.

He may be one of those fabulously
rich Australian shareholders.

We've got Sarah's future
to think about.

Aren't these gorgeous
Shakespearean homes? No worries.

This is the Gorts'.

You be on your best behaviour.

DOOR SHUTS

Oh, God! There's a couple of gypsies
frigging about on the front lawn.

I think it's up here, Auntie Edna.
I'd better just check in the A-Z.

Hey! I'm sure... Hey, you!

Just a minute! Can't you read?

No hawkers, no tramps.

I'm sorry, er... I was...

Mrs Gort, Mrs Ronald Gort? Yes.

Barry McKenzie's the name.
This is me Auntie Edna.

Oh! Nice little patch of vegetation
you've got here.

I am so sorry!
How utterly bonkers of me.

Do both come in and have some tea.

You must be exhausted
after such a long drive.

Well actually, my lady,
we came by train.

Oh. First class, of course.

Oh, I brought you a little gift.

It's a lovely sheaf of...
fresh, pink gladis.

It's Australia's national flower.

How very kind of you.
Just a token. Thank you.

This way.

Along here.

Er, I wouldn't say no
to a couple of nice cold ales.

You come indoors and meet my husband
Ronald and my daughter Sarah.

What a lovely home you have here,
Mrs Gort.

So redolent with history.

DOOR CREAKS

Well, Sarah, darling, this is
Mrs Everage and this is Mr McKenzie.

Hello.

How very sweet to meet you.
G'day. Glad to know you.

Barry McKenzie's the name,

but most of me mates call me Bazza.

I'm, er, Mr Gort.

Ronald, Ronnie, Ron.

Hello!

Bazza? How charmingly informal.

Sarah adores that sort of thing.

She went to the last Young
Conservatives dance in her jodhpurs!

But sometimes her father and I
wonder where she comes from.

Oh, by the by, wee brought you
a little prezzo.

Oh, how sweet... Oh!

Very sweet of you! I do hope
you haven't been too extravagant.

Goodness me, Mrs Gort,
it's only a thought.

It's a nice tin of old dripping.

During the period of hostilities,

our home in in Melbourne
was a Fat For Britain depot.

All our neighbours used to deposit
their old fat on our doorstep

and we'd whisk it off to
the Old Country post haste.

Er, yes, Auntie thought
you might still be a bit short.

SHE CHUCKLES
How quaint!

Cook will bless you.

Cook? Mary, we haven't got a...

Ronald! Go and get the tea trolley.

Do sit down, Mrs Everage.
Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you so much. Come along,
dear, sit down. Over here.

Come along, darling, over here.

Any chance of obtaining
a nice cold ale?

I sneaked into a pub on the way,

but it was 3.05 and the bastards
gave me the bum's rush.

We haven't got a drop in the house.

But, um, come into the den.

Will you please
bring the trolley over!

Not the den.

I remember what happened
last time you took one of Sarah's
boyfriends in there.

I hope you're enjoying your visit
to England.

Adoring it, thank you, Lady Gort.

I love the homes of yesteryear. Do
you realise that Shakespeare himself

might have lived here when
he wrote his wonderful shows?

Shows like To Be Or Not To Be,
or Lend Me Your Ears.

How do like your tea, milk and sugar?
Three lumps, thank you, Lady Gort.

..another piece of chocolate cake
for Barry. I can see he adores it.

It's all right, I'm full as a goog.

Had a gutful on the train.
Thanks all the same.

Oh no, no trouble at all.
Come on, Ronald. Mr Gort?

I've had my eye on your
rhododendrons for some time now.

May I take a snippet?

Oh, yes. Thank you so much.
I promise not to be too greedy.

Come on, Ronald. I'm sure
Barry and Sarah have lots to say
to each other.

Uh...well, yeah. Well, er...beaut.

Why don't you to piss off...er,
adjourn to the kitchen,

we'll talk about the price of fish.

CLOCK CHIMES

You great boneheaded fool!

Don't you realise this is our chance
to marry our daughter into money?

If we can talk him into
spending the weekend,

he can partner Sarah
to the Rickmansworth
Young Conservative Social.

Capital idea. I'll take the boy
into my den and put it up to him.

Oh no you won't, you filthy old perv.
I'll ask him.

Send him his beastly cake! Mr Gort!
Mr Gort! Coo-eee!

Mr McKenzie, it must be wonderful
living in Australia,

amongst all those wide open spaces.

I suppose you have hoards of
Aboriginal servants.

Abbos? Oh, cripes, no.
Never seen one in me life.

Mum does the solid jack
around our place.

Now, Barry, Ronald and I insist that
you and your aunt stay the weekend.

And I know Sarah will love to take
you to her social. It's informal,

just a few young folk in for dancing
and drinks. Coo-ee! Drinks?

Jeez, I'd buy that, m'lady.

It'll be beaut to get away
from Earls Court.

Am I jack of shoving pound notes
in that meter!

He mustn't waste his fortune,
must he, Mrs Everage?

You never know, Little Miss Right
might be closer than he thinks!

A fool and his money are soon
parted, your Excellency.

Look, I've been a wicked,
wicked woman,

snip-snipping away
all these lovely cuttings.

As my husband, Norm, always says,

it's the little bit on the end
that counts.

We've just been talking to Barry
about your staying for the weekend.

I'd be delightful,
but I hope we wouldn't be imposing.

No, no, I assure you.

And I know Barry will love
the dance tonight.

Barry'll have a wonderful time if he
enjoys dancing as much as I do!

I first met my husband, Norm,
at a dance in Melbourne.

It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Quite a few young people today are
as fond of holding balls as we were.

DISTANT CHILDREN'S CHOIR SINGS

CHOIR GETS LOUDER

Swing, swing together

With our bodies between our knees

Some may be more clever

Others may make more row...

Ooh! Oh, strewth, oh, um,
'scuse I, sir,

er...sorry to come busting in
on you like this,

tell you the truth, I was looking
for the snake's house, sir.

Think nothing of it.
And call me Gort.

I'll call YOU sir. Fair crack of the
whip, sport. I mean, Gort.

Then again, if that's the way
you want it...

Hey, is this do tonight fancy dress
or something?

If it is,
I'm up shit creek costume-wise.

Oh no you're not, sir.
I have got something for you.

Try them on, sir.

Hey...

Reckon I look a bit of all right
in this.

We'll make a gruesome twosome, eh,
Gorty boy?

All I need now is a cane.

Here it is, sir. Here it is.

You better thrash me, sir.
Go on, don't spare me.

I-I deserve it, sir! Flay me,
do as you like with me!

Oooh, ah, I've been naughty.

I've poured ink
all over your study floor.

Yes...give me a touch
of your iron discipline then!

Er...'scuse I, sir. Like,
thanks for the fancy outfit,

but I...just remembered I gotta whip
out for a few ice cold ales. No! No!

Don't go, sir!
Look, I've got my cap on indoors.

I've been smoking behind the lav!

I've got a bottle of Scotch in my
drawer, so I'm underage

in possession of alcohol!

Please forgive my husband's quaint
little whim, Mr McKenzie.

He's a war veteran, you know.
One of the few.

Glad to hear there aren't too many
around. Go and chat with Sarah,

while I have a few words
with her father.

You bloody fool!

Sorry, precious.

I...don't know what nearly
came over me.

Never get to the bottom
of the flaming poms.

Oh, don't mind Father, Barry.
He's not as other men.

Last time anything like that
happened was when I was a nipper.

Scoutmaster flashed his nasty.

Spruce yourself up, Barry boy,

you mustn't look like the wild man
from Borneo.

Oh, you're going to break
a few hearts tonight!

Just let your auntie whisk off your
cradle cap,

and pick out those
little custard corners.

Now remember, when he takes you onto
the terrace,

folds you in his arms and
wants to play hospitals with you,

don't suck your bloody thumb.
You understand? Yes, Mother.

Isn't Sarah a striking girl, Barry?

They're a delightful family too,

very comfortably off, I'd have
thought.

No thanks, Auntie. You'll do me.

SHE CHUCKLES

BAND PLAYS JAZZY TUNE

Raymond! This is Barry McKenzie.

He's from Australia! Australia?

I say, cobber,

show us how you convicts toddle
about on your heads down under.

Go and stick your head up
a dead bear's bum.

THEY LAUGH

What a delightfully refreshing
traditional old English meal that
was, Mrs Gort. Thank you.

And how unusual to serve spaghetti
bolognese without the toast.

Sarah, look, I just gotta go to the
snake's house,

busting to strain the potatoes.

Where's your boomerang, eh, cobber?

Go and dip your left eye
in hot cockie cack.

May I ask, do you cook spaghetti
in the saucepan, or boil the tin?

Oh, I'm afraid I'll have to ask Cook!
Cook? We haven't got a bloody cook.

Hey, you old convict bluey-digger.

Know what I hope?
What do you hope, old chap?

I hope all your chooks turn to emus
and kick your dunny down.

Oh, I wonder what Barry and Sarah
are doing now.

Probably waltzing round the
dancefloor,

gazing into each other's eyes,
whispering sweet nothings to one
another.

Why aren't you with the other
Aussies, drinking all that Fosters
stuff?

Listen, drongo, any more lip
and I'll floor ya.

No, really, there's a whole party
of them in the back room,

from the local agricultural college.

Ah, you little beauty!
Human beings at last!

THEY ALL CHEER AND SHOUT GREETINGS

Oh, am I glad to be shot of those
pommie drongos!

Have a Fosters, you sly old bastard!
Beauty!

THEY CHEER

I've heard such sad stories about
young Australians in London,

drinking and brawling
in these vile Earls Court dives.

Well, I can't deny that my nephew
does enjoy the occasional,

odd chilled glass of amber fluid,
Mrs Gort.

But he and his friends
are real little gentlemen.

I don't think they rely on alcoholic
beverages to have a good time.

I wish I was in London

I do, I do

I go down to Trafalgar Square...

Jeez, I feel like all me birthdays
have come at once.

What a fantastic bunch of bastards!
You are a pommy bastard...

All pommies are bastards
Bastards or worse

And England is the arsehole
of the universe...

There you are, Barry. I've spent
a long time searching for you.

I thought you might have got lost.
Me, lost? You gotta be joking!

Hey fellas, meet me sheila, Sarah.
G'day. Glad to know ya.

Glad to know ya, Sarah.

HE SNORES

Gotta go, fellas.
See ya, Baz. Bye, Baz.

Spending the night at the nest,
are ya, Baz?

Bazza. You might be on to
something there, mate. Yeah?

Some of those sheilas who don't look
so hot are great little performers.

Go on! Yeah.

See ya, fellas! See ya, Baz!

Oh, Baz, you sport, I'm so happy.

A lovely Rickmansworth evening, the
pressure of your arm against mine,

and the hint of wine on your breath.

Jeez, Sarah, I reckon you look
real bonzer tonight.

I reckon we could go a celebration
naughty before we adjourn inside.

Look, Ronald, he's kissing her!

Just imagine, the McKenzie millions
are almost mine!

Yes, yes, he's kissing her.
Fondling her young limbs.

Cupping her firm... Shhhh!

Yes...bruising her young petals...

stroking her hot...
Oh, God, I can't bear it!

Ah, there you are, my chickibitties.

Come in and tell us about
your wonderful evening.

It must have been so romantic.

Ah, yeah, well, m'lady, we had a
reasonable type of time, and...

Come along, Mr McKenzie.
Or may I call you Bazza?

Don't be shy. Give us your real news.

Uh, like, we met this real nice
crowd of bastards at the social...

No, no, McKenzie. What Mary wants to
know is did you exchange vows

with our little petal?
What came to pass?

Oh, you mean when Bazzie suggested we
had a naughty little celebration?

Fair crack of the whip, Sarah!
Give a bloke a break!

Now then, no whispering.
Can I hear wedding bells?

Did you fix a date? Shall we discuss
the enormous financial settlement?

What happened? What's the strength?
Strewth, m'lady, are you inferring

that me and Sarah committed intimacy
or something? Intimacy?

Oh, my fragile little petal!
Oh, don't come the raw prawn!

I gave her a smack on the chops,
didn't get to the fair dinkum
article.

Sarah, you's a woman now.

We must settle his funds at once,
before he rushes you to the altar!

Mummy, you don't understand.
Nothing happened.

We didn't even play hospitals.

What?!

You mean you weren't rude
with one another?

No marriage?

But...but the money...

I told you, he's cash,
and you promised!

She's a flaming ratbag!

Money, cars and garages, you fool!

Intimacy!

Doctors and nurses! Loins! Loins!

SHE CONTINUES TO RANT

It's all my fault.
I can't be punished enough!

McKenzie millions, gone!

Beat me, please!

Lash me!

We've lost everything!
Please, lash me! Oh, shut up!

And you can take your beastly plant
with you!

What happened? What's happening?
What's happening?!

Barry?! Where's my nephew?
Where is he?

Barry! It's all my fault!

Barry, darling! Barry! Whip me!

Barry! (Lash me!)

SHE WAILS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

Barry! Barry! Clout me!

Barry!

HE WHISTLES

Wouldn't be going to London,
would you, sport?

Where else is there, man?
Hop in, friend.

Hi! G'day!

I'm Hoot, this is Blanche,
and Sean, here.

Glad to know ya.
Barry McKenzie's the name.

I see you're affiliated with the
entertainment industry,
by these instruments. Right.

You must be Australian,
or you'd read papers that count
like Time Out. Cut the aggro, Sean.

Tony Palmer gave us a big review
last week.

We just roam around the country,
making a simple,

unaffected music that working people
like. Fair enough.

HE PLAYS BLUESY RIFF

Travelling down red route

Going to do it our way...

For the sun gonna shine

Ba-da-doh-ba-day.

Your song's bloody delightful.
We've got some grouse songs back in
Australia too.

You mean, friend, you could sing us

an authentic Aboriginal
protest song?

Oh, come off it, sport. No, some
of those ditties we used to sing

down at Bondi Beach.
Give us the guitar.

Here's one me mate Curly wrote.

Oh, I got a little creature

I suppose you'd call him a pet

And if there's something wrong
with him

I don't have to call the vet

He goes everywhere that I go

Whether sleeping or awake

God help me if I'd ever lose
Me little one-eyed trouser snake

Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake
Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake

God help me if I'd ever lose
Me one-eyed trouser snake

One day I got to reading

In an old sky pilot's book

About two starkers bastards

Who made the Lord go crook

They reckoned it was a serpent

That made Eve the apple take

Cripes, that was no flaming
serpent

It was Adam's one-eyed
trouser snake

Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake
Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake

God help me if I'd ever lose
Me one-eyed trouser snake

I met this arty sheila

Who I'd never met before

And something kind of told me

She banged like a dunny door

I said come up and see me etching

She said I hope it's not a fake

I said the only thing that's
etching is me one-eyed trouser snake

BOTH: Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake
Me one-eyed trouser snake

God help me if I'd ever lose
Me one-eyed trouser snake

Come, all you little sheilas

And listen to me song

The moral of the trouser snake

Is short as it is long

Beware of imitations

Don't lock your bedroom door

When me pyjama python bites you
You'll be screaming out for more

BOTH: Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake
Me one-eyed trouser snake

God help me if I'd ever lose
Me one-eyed trouser snake

Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake
Me one-eyed trouser snake

God help me if I'd ever lose
Me one-eyed trouser snake!

Oh-he-ho-he-ho-he-ho!

Fantastic, Barry!
Wasn't that fantastic?

Er, listen here, man.
We're doing a little gig tonight,

at the Freedom Arts Factory.
Very heavy little place.

What's say you come along and sing
one of your most meaningful

Australian folk songs, yeah?

There's plenty of bread in this deal,

and a bit of booze, eh? OK, mate. You
can forget the sandwiches though,

I wouldn't mind a few ice cold tubes
of Fosters.

Great, Barry, you'll dig the vibes
down at the factory.

All the kids are getting it together
with human rights causes,

and they're looking for a spiritual
gaiety with nature.

We'll really get it together.

I'll buy that, Blanchey.
Better together than by yourself.

Here we are, Barry McKenzie.
Make yourself at home, man.

Jeez, this place looks like the
inside of St Paul's Abbey I seen
with me Auntie Edna.

The alternative society has its own
iconography, Barry.

PSYCHEDELIC ROCK PLAYS

Listen, mate,
I need to splash the boots.

You know, strain the potatoes.
Water the horses.

You know, go where the big knobs
hang out. Shake hands with the
wife's best friend?

Drain the dragon! Siphon the python!

Wring the rattlesnake!

You know, unbutton the mutton!
Like, point Percy at the porcelain!

I think he wants to go to the loo.

Through the door, first left,
past my plaster cast collection.

Look. We'll keep this Aussie jerk
here today,

and then we'll tape his gig at the
Arts Factory tonight.

Properly exploit him.
He's worth a bit of bread to us, man.

I don't think he's so special.
Cool out, man. It doesn't matter.

If we can't make bread out of an
authentic Australian folk singer,

I'll quit this racket. I say to you.

The main thing is to keep him happy,
or he'll split.

You play up to him. I'll make sure
he gets plenty of this booze stuff,

as fast as he keeps shooting up.
Oh, I'll play up to him.

I've heard some fantastic stories
about Australians from a friend.

Yeah? She's a dentist receptionist
in Earls Court!

There'll be trouble if this berk
starts to fill cavities round here!

Relax, will you, or you'll screw this
deal! Go and get an artist contract.

I'll tie this Aussie jerk up so tight

even that cat Houdini won't be able
to get him out.

Look, here he is.

Hey man, did you lay one down?

Jeez, you've got some interesting
reading matter in your bathroom.

Beats the women's weeklies Mum kept
in the lavvy back home.

Barry McKenzie, would you just
sign this please, friend?

It's a mere formality that the
establishment insists on for
performers at the Arts Factory.

What's this then?

"I hereby assign all world rights
in perpetuity." Women's rights.

Negro rights. Civil rights.
World rights.

It's all the same thing. We believe
in the abolition of money,

and we'd like you to be a test case.

I better give me mate Curl a call
and tell him to meet us.

Where's the instrument?
The phone, yeah.

It's just over there, next to our
macrobiotic kitchenette.

G'day, Curl? Wait till I tell you
about the terrific time I'm having!

'Cripes, we've been worried about
you since you vanished.

'Where are you now?'
I'm with some singer types.

'Singer types? Jeez, they usually
have fantastic sheilas. Any there?'

Yeah, there's one. Not bad either.
Reckon I'll be in like Flynn soon.

Listen, I gotta sing a beach ditty
at some nightclub called the Freedom
Arts Factory this arvo.

Can you meet us there?
'Righto.'

FUNKY ROCK PLAYS

Good on ya, Blanchey!

When his light shines on me

A brighter world I see

Yeah, when his light shines on me

A brighter world I see

And when he takes my hand and
leads me down

Life's long and troubled road

My heart is full, my soul is free

And he helps me share my love

Yeah, he helps me
share my love...

I'll feature with that jam tart
or I'll bust me flaming boiler.

Seem to be doing all right, Bazza.
Yeah.

My life was oh so wrong

The empty void inside me

Was searching for a song

And then a mad ray of sunshine

Came shining through my door

And he walked in
My fears walked out

It was love forever more...

Listen, you call me Auntie Edna?
Yeah, she's apples, mate.

Hey, you sure got yourself mixed up
with a load of ratbags when you
went up the push.

Your auntie reckons she had to call
the local funny farm.

Reckon the old girl went
as mad as a meat axe.

What'd you do, Bazza?
Slip the daughter a length?

Ah, just screaming for it, Curl!

Her oldies wanted to get me to the
church

before I speared the bearded clam!

And he helps me share my love

Let his light shine

Oh, you gotta help me
sing his song

It's so easy to do
Let it shine through

When his light shines on me

A brighter world I see

Oh, when his shines on me

A brighter world I see

And when he takes my hand
and leads me down

Life's long and troubled road

My heart is full,
my soul is free...

I'll be on meself in a few jiffs,
Curl.

Think I better whip out the utensil
and shake hands with the unemployed.
OK, mate.

Yeah, he helps me...

He helps me share my love!

CHEERING

Leaving us so soon, Barry McKenzie?

Strike me pink, can't a bloke sneak
off to the dyke

without a half-nelson? What gives?

This Aussie twit was breaking
his contract. You're breaking
me flaming neck!

Let him go, Sean.

Forget it, Barry. Sean's just
uptight about the ecological threat.

I'll threaten you with a knuckle
sandwich! Don't get funny with me!

I'm a man of peace, so don't bug me!

Don't come the raw prawn with me,
or I'll doff ya,

you pommy drongo! Barry, you're on!

Come on. Come on.

Now kids, in aid of the Isle of Wight
Leprosy Benefit...

APPLAUSE

We've got a great new chartbuster,
just loved in from Australia,

who'll sing you one of his most
meaningful and urgent compositions.

SCANT APPLAUSE

G'day, ladies and gentlemen.

Barry McKenzie's the name.
I don't know why

me mates got me up here, cos I'm no
Perry Como, or Nelson Eddy.

Or for that matter,
I'm no George Formby

or Andres Segovia on the guitar
either.

But I got this beaut little beach
ditty that me and me mates

used to serenade the sharks with
down at Bondi Beach.

It's a beauty too.
I realise a lot of the lingo

might go over youse pom's heads,
so I better explain some words.

Words like chunder, for instance.

See, in them olden days when they
migrated people to Australia,

for little things like eating a loaf
of bread or a handkerchief, uh,

a lot of the tucker on the convict
ships wasn't too good.

There was a lot of tossing,
and everyone was buggered.

So the thing to do was, if you were
gonna throw up, move to the rails
and say,

"Watch under!"

See, that's in case, you know, some
poor dill copped a steaming eyeful.

Anyway, watch under was shortened
to chunder,

and I dedicate this ditty to all the
chundering pioneers of Australia.

The greatest country in the world,
no risk.

Thanks, boys.

I was down by Bondi Pier

Drinking tubes of ice cold beer

With a bucketful of prawns
upon me knee

When I swallowed the last prawn

I had a technicolour yawn

And I chundered
in the old Pacific sea

Drink it up, drink it up

Crack another dozen tubes
and prawns with me

If you wanna throw your voice
Mate, you won't have any choice

But to chunder in
the old Pacific sea

I was sitting in the surf

When a mate of mine called Mirth

Asked if he could crack a tube
or two with me

The bastard barely swallowed it
When he went for the big spit

And he chundered in
the old Pacific sea

Drink it up, drink it up

Crack another dozen tubes
and prawns with me

Now if you wanna throw your voice
Mate, you won't have any choice

But to chunder in
the old Pacific sea

Now I've had liquid laughs in bars
And I've hurled from moving cars

And I've chucked when and where
it suited me

But if I could choose a spot

To regurgitate me lot

Then I'd chunder in
the old Pacific sea

Drink it up Drink it up!
Drink it up Drink it up!

ALL: Crack another dozen tubes
and prawns with me

If you wanna throw your voice
Mate, you won't have any choice

But to chunder in
the old Pacific sea...

All together!
Drink it up Drink it up!

Drink it up Drink it up!

Crack another dozen tubes
and prawns with me

If you wanna throw your voice
Mate, you won't have any choice

But to chunder in
the old Pacific sea

But to chunder in
the old Pacific sea!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MC: Barry McKenzie!

Barry McKenzie!

Barry McKenzie!

Oh, Barry, you were sensational!

Your voice, your leg movement,
everything.

Yeah, the song went over pretty
bonzer, eh?

He's done it, man! We've got
ourselves a goldmine here!

You mean we've gotta hang on to the
Aussie berk?

What about you and me nipping
outside for a swift knee-trembler?

Mr McKenzie, I presume?
I'm Murray Miller.

I caught your act tonight. I wonder
if you and I could do a little deal?

Stone the crows! I'm nearly
doing a deal with this sheila!
Can I see you later?

No, Barry, it's THE Murray Miller.
We've got time.

No doubt about you sheilas.
First you're coming across,
then you're not!

Mr Miller launched groups like
Raspberry Ripple and the Y-Fronts.

He could help you too! Talk to him!

Glad to know ya.
What can I do youse for?

You have the authentic Aussie sound,
Mr McKenzie.

My organisation will be more than
interested in plugging you.

Come again? I don't like the sound
of that. Don't tell me I've struck
another pom poof!

Hey, look at this, man. It's Murray
Miller moving in on our property.

Fair suck of the sauce bottle.
We're doing the feature in here.

Don't be such a drag.

Most girls would give anything to be
groomed by Murray Miller.

Is that so? We'll soon see about
that! Listen here, man.

We got an option on this cat.
We got him this gig.

We got a tape, and a worldwide
contract to prove it.

Now look, boys, what's say we do a
little deal?

Most of these guys have got a limited
exposure anyway.

I'd like to buy your tape.

Would this take care of your trouble?

That just about squares us off, man.

It's not the bread with us,
you understand,

we just want to get our kind of
music to the kids,

and cut the corrupt establishment
down to size. Right.

Let's pack in these galahs, Blanche.

Why come the raw prawn when we're
lining up the old featuring?

Quit mauling me, schmuck. I wouldn't
score with you in a million years.

Lay another hand on me, and I'll
call Murray.

That Aussie berk is feeling up
our Blanche!

No, no, man! I'm a man of peace!

I'll get the bastard!

You take the little punk.

Take the money, man.

Er...spear...

Mum...

Didgeridoo...

Get away.

Er...

get...

Oh, I had this dream where I was
an olden-days Australian convict,

being chased by all these Abos.

But strewth, this is flamin'
ridiculous!

Calm down. You were picked up in an
appalling condition in Belsize Park,
and brought to this hospital.

Cripes! Were me underpants clean?
Why do you ask?

Me old mum would have a stroke if
she knew I'd passed out with skid
marks on me Y-fronts. Look,

where's the snake's house?
I'm dying to point Percy.

I'm afraid the case is out of my
prowess. Obviously a psychiatric job.

I'll call DeLamphrey.

What are you doing?

There's nothing wrong with me, mate,
that a few ice colds won't fix up.

I'm not hanging round here having
a bunch of Florence Nightingales
cop an eyeful of my equipment.

Where have the bastards
hidden me strides?

I warn you, gentlemen, the patient
could be a bit violent,
so lace him in tightly, please.

If he gets a naughty boy,
give him a jab with this.

Yes, Doctor. Thank you.

What d'you think you're flamin'
doin'?! Pommy bastards!

I'll tell me Auntie Edna.

Now, Mr McKenzie, you're back with
us. How are you? I'm sorry
about that little incident.

I'm Dr DeLamphrey,
and I'm here to help...

Pull your head in. I want you
to think of me as someone
you can turn towards.

You won't catch me
turning any other way!

Come, come, Mr McKenzie! Let's start
at the beginning, shall we?

When did you start having delusions?

It all started when I paid through
the nose for a ticket and landed up
a shit creek called England.

So you hat the mother country,
do you? What exactly is your
relationship with your own mother?

I'm her son.

What about your sex life?
Is it healthy?

Healthy?! Should be! Haven't had
a chance to catch anything yet!

Look, Doc, if you don't stop
shooting off your mouth, I'll
chunder on your wall-to-wall.

What?! I'll chunder, so help me!

You know, throw the voice!

Play the whale, laugh at the ground.
Make love to the lav.

You find my carpet funny?
It makes you laugh? Tell me...

which particular part of my carpet
amuses you the most?

You're getting warmer.

Would it be this particularly
phallic pattern here?

Am I any warmer?
You're really hot now, Doc.

Cop that, you rotten pommy bastard.

You must feel free to express
your aggressions in whatever way
is most natural for you.

Bella! Hugo!

Mr McKenzie,
I've got some good news for you.

You mean you're dying of cancer?
Yes. But apart from that,
I've decided to discharge you.

Boys, unlace him and give him back
his clothes.

Sorry you've had a rather
uncomfortable day, sir.

SHE SOBS
I've got the kettle on, Curly.

Don't worry, Mrs Everage.
Bazza'll be apples.

Auntie Edna?

Curl? Barry!

Where have you been?!

I even rang the Australian Lord High
Commissioner! I was worried sick!

Careful, Auntie,
most of me ribs are broken.

You all right, mate?
Yeah, it's just a broken arm.

Jeez, we were worried about you,
Bazza. When the fuzz stopped

the fight, I couldn't find you,
so I rang your Auntie Edna.

I don't know what I would have told
your mother, Barry.

Well, I wound up
in this pom hospital, Auntie.

He's a ring-a-ding blue, eh, Curl?

I kicked that bastard's teeth
so far down his throat,

he'll have to put his toothbrush up
his freckle to clean 'em.

Barry, if your father was here now
and heard you talking like that

he'd turn over in his grave.

Sorry, Auntie Edna,
I got carried away.

Hope you had a bonza time
with your mate, Madge. Oh Madge.

Barry, do you remember
Madge's little girl Gaileen?

When you were toddlers,
she used to play with you.

Gaileen? I'll say I do, no worries.

She's a real little butler.

I remember her from the Yabby Creek
Sunday school days.

Well, Barry, Gaileen has been
in the old country now

for approximately
in the vicinity of two years.

Madge is just about worried
out of her mind.

All the time she's been here
she's only seen Gaileen about once

and she's changed, Barry.

Madge wants Gaileen to come back
to Australia with her

but it's like talking to a brick
wall. Gaileen actually seems

to like it here.
You mean she wants to stay?

It's mad, isn't it, Curly?

Here's a snap of Gaileen before she
went on her trip. I'll get the teas.

What an exceptionally
nice type of lass.

Er, yes. I'd be up that
like I ran up a drainpipe.

She's even changed her name to
Lesley because it's more English

and sophisticated.

Some of the Aussie sheilas get
a bit ratty when they hit London.

They put on the dog and start
acting like Lady Muck.

Boys! Boys!

I've got such a nice surprise.

Your mother sent us some scrumptious
things all the way from Australia.

Close your eyes, close your eyes!

A tin of lamingtons and three jars
of vegemite!

You beaut! Fantastic.

Leave some for Mr Manners, boys.
The best black stuff!

I'm going to see Gaileen -
I mean Lesley - tomorrow, Barry.

You must come and meet her.
OK, Auntie Edna, I'll be in it.

Not far now, Barry.

Goodness dear,

all those poor little English people
living in these identical slums.

Though they're probably marvellous
by their standards.

Poms can live in the smell
of an oily rag.

Can't help feeling sorry
for the poor bludgers though.

After all, they are a member
of the Commonwealth.

Excuse me, mate, can you tell us
where Miss Allsop hangs out? Edna?

Gaileen! My little Gaileen!

Lesley. Lesley, I'm sorry.
What have they done to you, dear?

This bloke's a sheila!
You're Barry McKenzie.

By heck I am. Come on in.

This is a pal of mine, Claude.

This is Edna Everage and Barry
McKenzie, they're from Australia.

Charming. What a damn good-looking
woman you are, Mrs Everage.

That's sweet of you to say so,
Mr Claude.

I must say it's a great weight
off my mind to know our little one

has a nice mature gentleman
like yourself to turn to.

It's decent of you to say so. Now
then, how about wetting the whistle?

I'll get you a drink. I was going to
ask for a glass of Adam's ale.

I've never tasted any of your
English drinks before.

Husband around
on this little cruise, Mrs Everage,

or are you your own skipper,
so to speak?

I'm on my ownsome this time. My
hubby Norm has just had a little op.

The doctor says it will have
no effect on our married life.

He hit the nail on the head there.
What will you have, Barry? Hah...

HE LAUGHS

Now my shipmate over there, Lesley,
she's got her head screwed on OK.

London's absolutely teeming
with sex maniacs.

She wouldn't take a second look
at any of them.

You've got no beer. Sorry.

Pour yourself a gin, McKenzie. No
thanks, sport, thanks all the same.

Come on, how about you and me leave
Auntie Edna talking to the old fella

and whip down to the local
for a few swift coldies?

I can't leave those two together,
wouldn't be decent.

You've only just arrived.

Don't come the raw prawn!
What's the matter with you!

Remember that arvo at the
Yabby Creek Sunday school?

You know when Rev Hemmings
gave that sermon about those

randy biblical bastards,
Sodom and Gommorah?

On the way home we had a dip
in the nuddie? Remember?

Jeez, did you cop it from your mum!
Those were the days.

You know, you and my husband Norm
are as different

as chalk and cheese underneath.

Hm-mm. I'm sure we are.

The boozer's around the corner.

Nothing much can happen
while we have a few swift drains.

It's lovely to see Gaileen,
I mean Lesley.

You know, her mother was
a bridesmaid of mine.

Won't be a sec, just popping
to the pub for a few ciggies.

See you soon, Auntie Edna.

Have you ever dipped into
The Well Of Loneliness?

I can't say I've perused a
publication in donkeys' years.

Hey, Les, I like the look
of old Claudie,

built like a brick shithouse.

Sometimes I think you're a shingle
short, Bazzer.

Righto, sport. Line us up a few of
those soapy suds you call beer.

RCJ.

Come on! Put on a spurt,
or I'll drop you, you bastard!

Ta.

This must be the place where all
those top mannequins hang out.

Ahhhh! Lovely!

Never felt it touched the sides.

Look, er, Les,

what say you and me negotiate a few
frosties at feeding the feature?

Look, you've got the wrong lady.

I've had the old hetero scene
and it's a drag.

Edna probably didn't tell you,
but I've got a baby.

Tell me again?

I was just a young, innocent
Australian physiotherapist
lost in London,

fell for this creep from Granada.

You mean you got hitched to a wog?

You must be joking!

Granada's a TV company.

Dominic did arty features
for the telly.

But we split up.
He got custody of Samantha.

Features on the telly?
Strike me pink, he was game!

Was his face covered?

Ahhh! Look, Les...

those frosties have gone straight
to the old fella.

Hang on, I'll whip off to the snakes
house and water the horses.

Don't be too long splashing
the lovely boots.

We don't want Edna and Claude
to hurry their relationship.

Excuse me, sir.

Have you the time?

Sorry, but if you hang on for a few
jiffs, I'll give you the good oil.

In point of established fact,
at the present period of time,

watch, wrist and shaking hands
on me wife's best friend.

I'm sorry, but anything
you say in future

will be taken down and used in
evidence against you.

Come off it! What's on the go?

Can't a bloke point Percy
at the pommy porcelain

without some bastard
coming the raw prawn?

I'm an officer of the law, sir.

I've had my eye on you and your
friend for some time.

What's in the bag?

Stone the flaming crows!
Now I've heard the lot!

If you wanna know it's
just a few personal effects.

Well, if you don't believe me,
have a look.

Female attire, I see, sir.

You're in rather a serious
situation, I'm afraid, sir.

Jeez, I must have picked up my
Auntie Edna's Qantas bag by mistake.

Look, these female garments
belong to a sheila.

What do you take me for,
a poofter or something?

I'm not making any accusations, but
you'll have to come along with me.

Look, you pom perv, these garments
wouldn't even fit me.

Give us 'em here and I'll duck
behind this dunny door and prove it.

There, you see! Wouldn't be seen
dead in this lot.

I look like a ravin' ratbag.

It fits like a glove.

I'm afraid you're under arrest, sir.

Catch me first, you pommy bastard!

Hey, mate!
Ha! It's Waltzing Matilda!

Bazzer, you could have fooled me.
Why didn't you say you were ACDC?

I've gotta shoot through.
That bastard's a flamin' blue.

Which way did that
Aussie bastard go?

That way, darling.

Great idea!

Why stop here? Take off your drag
and I'll slip into it.

It's against my principles, but it
might throw the fuzz off the scent.

Here!

Oh! Excuse me.

Excuse I, Les, but I reckon you look
a bit of all right in that outfit!

Funny, I haven't worn a frock
since Dominic left me

and I met my sympathetic
friend, Claude.

I feel rather queer inside.

I mean, I don't feel
rather queer inside.

You wanna know what I thought when
I got a deco of that photo of yous.
No, darling, what?

I thought, "Kiss my bum,

"if that sheila wouldn't bang
like a dunny door."

Excuse I, Les. I realise that
was a bit on the crudey side.

I only got into this kinky gear
to save your skin,

so don't come the raw prawn with me,
or so help me, I'll flatten you.

Sorry, sport,
you're a real white man!

I don't blame you
for going a bit crook,

but I just wanted to ascertain
if you're one of those sheilas

that went off like an alarm clock.

Tell you, that blue
fairly put the wind up me.

OK, forget it.

Let's split, we better
get back to Edna and Claude.

Hang on, Les! There's a flamin'
dick over there.

Strewth! He's worse
than an abo black tracker.

Hey! Let's whip into this motion
picture palace here

and we'll hang low for a while, OK?

I wonder what's on.

Barons Court! Beauty! I can always
go to one of those olden day shows.

Hang on! It's an underground movie.

I've heard they're a bit
on the crudey side,

but let's give it a burl, eh?

Barry!

The bastard flogged me
the wrong tickets!

It's not the flicks,
it's a flamin' underground railway.

Oh! There's that
advertisement again!

Hope none of me mates see it.

God! Don't look now, Barry,
I've just seen my husband.

Who? That arty looking bastard
over there?

It isn't?

Good God, it is!

Lesley!

How terribly camp to see you!

What a super little giggle!

Oh, Dominic, I've missed you
somewhere deep down.

You still on the telly caper?

Same old rat race!
Trying to keep up the mortgage.

Excuse I, you two, but I feel like a
spare tonk in a knock-shop wedding.

Sorry, I haven't introduced
you two incurables.

This is Barry McKenzie.
This is Dominic.

We once had something
very big together.

Yeah, Lesley told me
you had a kiddie.

Glad to know you.

You're in the entertainment
business?

Must be really pulling in the notes!

Lesley, where did you find this
extraordinary, exotic creature?

Is he for real? Listen, don't come
the raw prawn with me

or I'll show you what you can do
with the rough end of a pineapple.

I don't like long-haired pommy
bastards

who get nice sheilas up the duff,
then shoot through.

If I had a tart with a bun in the
oven, I'd take care of her!

Er, let's not get too terribly
intense, shall we?

Thank you.

Lesley, how's that dykey friend
of yours, you know, um...

Claude! I forgot. She's alone
in the flat with Edna.

We can't just leave them.

Well, fair suck on the sauce pipe.

Claude seems like an exceptionally
nice type of bloke to me.

If he'd come the grope with Auntie
Edna, the Pope's a jew!

I've just had
the most fabulous idea!

I'm on the way
to the television studio,

we're doing a live programme
on Australians in London.

Why don't you come along -
you're very colourful!

You'd pick up a few quid, and I'd
really love to use you, old fella!

Come again?

I'd need a stack of greenies before
I flashed the old fella on TV.

What'd me mates say? Seeing me
point Percy at the public?

What about Edna and Claude? That's
all right, I can send a taxi,

pick them up, bring them
along to the studio. Right?

Right.

Make sure it's a nice
Aussie suntan, girlie.

Don't want one of those pommy
gooseberries and cream complexions.

I have to see the exec about
your appearance, Barry.

When you're finished here,
just come along the corridor
to the viewing theatre,

we've got some drinks laid on.
Right?

Lovely, Dommie. See you, Bazzer.
Bye, Les.

I'll just take these bags away
from under your eyes.

Leave them there as long
as you like as far as I'm concerned.

Ah, fair suck of the pineapple!
I'm as red as an oyster!

You'll look normal on the screen,
Mr McKenzie.

I might touch you up
later in the studio.

I'll be in that like a shot, miss.

Don't you think
it'd be more romantic

in the privacy of the toilet?

WOMAN SCREAMS

Strewth! I thought I'd lost you!

Not your own clothes, eh?

Now, I suppose you can explain this.

You're under arrest...

WOMAN SCREAMS

Don't do that, I can assure you
it's all a mistake.

I'm a detective.

Oh, you must be Mr McKenzie.

Mr Fry warned...told me about you.

Come and have a few
drinks before the show.

Sure! I'll be a flamin' codcase if I
don't get an amber transfusion.

These are our other
Australian guests.

Hi. How are you? Where are you from?
Melburnian, mate. Yeah.

Are these your paintings? Yeah.

What's that one called -
The Lonely Nappy?

Do you know Schonhausen?
Well, I've never been there, but...

Hello, Curl! It's Baz here.

I'm on the telly tonight.
Yeah! The BBC!

Some programme about Australians
in London or something.

Are the fellers there?

Get 'em together and jump in a taxi,
get yourself over here.

I'm going to see what's happened
to Edna and Claude.

Oh, my God! Edna! Hello, Lesley!
Claude! Come inside!

Courtesy will cost you nothing,
Lesley.

The other Australian guests
are all artists...

Claude, what have you done to Edna?

What do you think you're doing
in that ridiculous outfit?

I must say, Lesley, it's a relief

to see you looking
a little bit more feminine.

..you invited us, Lesley.
You mustn't be rude to Mr Claude.

You rang and invited us
to this fancy dress party.

He lent me some of his clothes.

He's a bit of a wag.

I've got a bloody good idea
what she suggested.

Oh, relax, Lesley!

Lesley, are you inferring
we played hospitals?

G'day fellers!

Barry, Barry!

Who in the hell
are all these people?

Some of me mates have come
to see me on the TV, Dom.

OK, look, just keep them in here
with the drink. All right?

Yeah, lovely. Keep them here!

I hope to God none of this lot
get loose round the building.

What is this?

Yes?

All right, fellers, get stuck
into the chilled article.

Problem sits down the hall, right.

How do they do it?
I remember Bazzer from way back.

We used to go rod-wallopping behind
the school board at Trumper Park.

Get us another one, will you, Curl?

I'm as dry as
a medieval monk's manuscript.

You wanna watch yourself
if you're gonna talk on TV.

Yeah? Yeah.

Lesley, I don't know
where we went wrong.

I'm sure it was 50% your fault...

I'm going down to the studio. Right.

I'd better go and chat up
Barry's aunt, all right? Yeah, do.

G'day, Les.

Barry, I've learned to appreciate
men again today.

You've done something for me. Yeah?

Let's get together after the show

and I'll rub me Daks
and yell the magic word!

No, you don't grab my chest.

Dominic and I are giving ourselves
a second chance.

Order. Let's go down to the studio,
we're due on in two minutes, right?

ALL CHATTER AT ONCE

See you, fellers!

See you, mate!

OK, Baz, we'll sit
by the jelly, mate.

Hey, turn the light off, Rocky!

'Once again, are the main points
from the news.

'The undertakers' strike
is now in its third day.

'The Queen has a slight chill
and all...'

Right, let's go.

'The leprosy epidemic, which has been
spreading south from Liverpool

'is believed to have reached London.

'However, a spokesman
from the London leprosarium

'said tonight there was still no need
to declare a state of emergency.'

Can I take that Mr McKenzie?

'..as the number of leprosy cases
reported can be counted
on the finger of two hands.'

McKenzie, let me see.

'And now Midnight Oil,

'a weekly survey of the arts
in Britain today.'

Over here, fellers, he's on!

'..a study of Australians
in Britain.'

INTRO MUSIC STARTS

Ten to go.

Off the set, off the set!
Barry! Barry, dear!

Hi, Auntie Edna!

And you're on, Joan.

Good evening and welcome again
to Midnight Oil,

Britain's leading
current affairs programme.

Most of us Europeans
think of Australia
as a tough uncompromising land,

stricken by drought and flood,

and inhabited by kangaroos
and tough, insensitive foul-mouthed,
beer-swilling boors.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

A seemingly insensitive land has
produced more than its fair share
of artistic talents

in every branch of creative activity
known to man.

Who can forget the immortal talents
of a Dame Nellie Melba?

A Don Bradman? A Ned Kelly?
Ah, beauty!

Let's go and watch him in the studio.

..and continues unabated
with thousands of young Australians

coming to London every year,

revitalising and rejuvenating
the flagging...

..European culture.

Well, we have some of those young
Australians here tonight

and they're going to
give us a taste, hopefully

of the new lifestyle down under.
Mr McKenzie, can I begin with you?

Oh, my God!

Can you tell me which artists have
made the greatest impression on you
in Britain?

Bull artists. G'day mate!

Cut to one! G'day, fellers.

Do you agree with the cynics
who say English culture
is going to the dogs?

I'll buy that! Flaming dogs
have left that many William IIIs
on the footpath

it's a wonder more people don't slip
and break their necks. Brilliant!

Mr McKenzie, what do you feel
about English girls?

Pommy sheilas?
Oh, they're apples, I suppose,

but to tell you the truth,
I'm that full at the moment -

if a nice potato peeler walked past
flashing a lovely pair of fun bags,

I ascertain there'd be
a sad case of brewer's droop.

I'm afraid, I don't
quite see your point.

Me point? Well, cop this then!

Fade up the music!

Go to one here.

That's right! Keep the zoom on it.

Filth!

Go right in on it.
I want the whole thing.

Lose the boom shadow.

The Director's on the line.
Damn the Director General!

This is a television breakthrough.

A rare moment -
a flash of spontaneity.

I wanna get out of here.

Go to one! Get him out of it!
Go to one!

You must be either mad or drunk,
that man can get us off the air.

Get him out of it! I don't know
what you're talking about.

Mr McKenzie's a distinguished
Australian intellectual. Go to one!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

It is McKenzie! He's mad!

Er, following those unorthodox views
of Barry McKenzie

we turn to another member
of the panel...

Hello, sir?

Hello, yes, I'm terribly sorry, sir,

but somebody must have let that
Australian yobbo onto the set.

I-I really couldn't do
anything about it, and I...

You did, sir?

Thank you very much indeed, sir.

It's very good of you to say so,

I thought I saw a certain
potential there.

This dichotomy is explored
in my latest work

through the multiplanar...

God bless you, sir.

Thank you very much indeed, sir.

Bye.

He loved it!

He said it was a pointed
condemnation

of an effete western society.

The Bishop of Wapping
wants an action replay.

..is highlighted in my work

through the organic
reinterpretation...

Jeez, it's warm in here!

Oh, we're on bloody fire!

You're under arrest!

PHONE RINGS

What were the rest doing,
standing doing sweet FA?

Hey, if you bastards form yourselves
into a chain gang

and keep us well supplied
with the chilled article,

I reckon our old one-eyed trouser
snake can do the rest.

Great idea, Curl!

Oh me one-eyed trouser snake

Oh me one-eyed trouser snake

God help is if we ever lost
our one-eyed trouser snake

Oh me one-eyed trouser snake

Oh me one-eyed trouser snake

God help is if we ever lost
our one-eyed trouser snake

Oh me one-eyed trouser snake

Oh me one-eyed trouser snake

God help is if we ever lost
our one-eyed trouser snake...

All right, McKenzie,
no getting away this time.

You're under arrest for assaulting
a police officer, resisting arrest,

drunk and disorderly, female
impersonation, offensive behaviour,

offensive language
and gross public indecency.

I warned... Oh, bloody fire brigade!

Push off, Bazzer,
we're blind at the bath!

if that's the fire brigade,
they're testing a new type of hose.

You crude...

Oh, Barry, get out of here
for goodness' sake.

Now you just come into the powder
room with me, there's a good girl.

Barry, that was the last straw!

Come on! You'll be the death
of me, Barry. Sorry...

Don't "sorry" me!
You turn your back.

I'll change into something
more feminine.

SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY

Barry!

What's up, my lovely?

Cripes! Leave us alone
will you, mate?

I've just done something more than
a bit on the embarrassing side.

Fancy a bastard flashing the old
mutton dagger in mixed company!

You don't understand. I've got the
most fantastic news for you.

You've been offered your own series.
Series?

"Series" fiddlesticks!

I'll tell you what you're doing,
young feller my lad,

you're coming to Heathrow with me

and I'm taking you back
to Sydney where you belong.

Come on, Barry. Hurry!

Ooohh!

See you, Les.

Barry!

Come on, Barry. Barry!

You wicked thing!
England isn't ready for you yet.

Hello, darling.

..that's what you're doing,
you're spoiling our image,

you come along with me.

< LAUGHTER

'..at 33,000 feet as far as Turkey

'and then depending on the winds,
I may be able to go higher.

'After we cross over Istanbul,

'we proceed to Ankara,
the capital of Turkey,

'and then cross Iran to Tehran.

'The forecast for Tehran is cold

'and there is a forecast
of some shallow fog.'

You know, Auntie,
in a funny kind of way,

I was just starting
to like the poms.

Ahhhhh

The...

Adventures...

The adventures of Barry McKenzie

Making dark tales
of a true blue boy

Fresh from the shores
of the antipodes

Wafting the scent
of the eucalyp trees

If you wanna get your sister
in a frenzy

Introduce her to Barry McKenzie

He's got a great big grin
and a great big chin

Give him half a chance,
he'll be in like Flynn

His great big fist
will flatten any pom.

He's got a great big first
You can do your worst

When they tap the cane
He'll be in there first

It's no use, mate
You'll never win

He's a better man than you are,
Gungadin

Barry

Barry

Barry

The adventures of Barry McKenzie

Dinky-di tales of a bonza boy

Lonely and lost
in the land of the pom

Wishing to hell
he was where he was from

From the team that brought you
Sir Robert Menzies

The Adventures of Barry McKenzie

He's got a big brown hat
and an Earl's Court flat

And a knack to show the poms
where Bondi's at

And he rushes in
where angels fear to go

He can sink a beer...